Evil
I am soooo Gellin'. Damn, I wish I had bought these gels 2 years ago. Then maybe I would have never gone thru that rough patch.
Tuesday, March 02, 2004
Monday, March 01, 2004
Evil
VH1 – KICKIN' IT OLD SCHOOL
Has anyone watched VH1 lately? I cancelled my cable 2 years ago – in the midst of my rough patch – so I haven't been up to date on the cable scene. But I've started going to the gym recently and noticed that there's some pretty kick-ass programming on VH1.
They don't show music videos anymore, so if you thought I was going to write about Richard Marx and Lionel Ritchie… wait, I just lost that train of thought. Anyway, there was this one show that pondered, "What if minorities ruled the world?" They asked compelling questions like, "What ethnicity are Bert and Ernie?" My initial reaction was, DUH, Bert is Dominican and Ernie is Mexican. CMON, that's a no-brainer. But then I thought to myself, Wait, I haven't seen too many Dominican/Mexican gay male couplings. Which made me change my mind and say that Bert and Ernie are both white preppy gays. I mean, Bert has this weird pigeon "hobby" and you know how gay male couples do weird things with their money. BTW- the marketers already know this. Marketing targeted at gay males typically has the best ROI out there, owing to the fact that gay male couples have the highest disposable income of all households. Two male, white-collar salaries. Think about that.
(On a side note: What ethnicity is Animal? I always thought that Animal was Albanian, or some other flavor of Eastern European, like maybe Romanian, or more likely, Azerbaijani. Can't you just see that? Animal is that crazy dude from Eastern Block Europe who has only the most rudimentary command of the English language, yet, he gets smashed at the local pub and is the life of the party. Plus, he smells slightly of BO.)
Another great show on VH1 is "I love the 80's". Man, that show ROCKS! They bring back all the old music and celebrities of the 80's and it reminds me of the good old days. They even bring back the toys of the 80's, which is the most kick-ass part. Remember Hungry Hungry Hippos? Woooo! Cabbage Patch Kids? For the record, I never had a Cabbage Patch Kid but I hear that Big Head had five of them. Remember the Glow Worm? Damn, that's old school.
Thinking of the 80's makes me happy and sad at the same time. Things were simple back then, but then again, things were complex. All I really wanted in the 4th grade was to get a HJ in the back row of the school bus from the red-headed, freckled girl who had to avoid direct sunlight at all cost or risk burning up like a protesting Tibetan monk. Funny what they say about "The more things change…" You know the rest. Today, in 2004, all I'm trying to do is to get a HJ in the exit row of a California to New York flight. The chick sitting in my row is not cooperating.
Sunday, February 29, 2004
Evil
Tom Cruise just presented. I saw a picture of him and his mom in The New York Times today. Look at this women's crazy chompers.
Peter Jackson accepts an award and run out of breath halfway through his speech. This dude needs an intervention. He has an unhealthy relationship with food. This dude hates himself. Oh wait, let me shut up now.
Evil
Peter Jackson, a fat woman, and a homeless woman just won for best adaptation. Peter Jackson didn't even make an effort for the Oscars. He put on a tuxedo and all, but dude, button the top button of your shirt and don't wear that tie all loosened up like you just got back home from a long day at the office.
Toby McGuire comes out to present... err... he came out to present two presenters. Weird. Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon come out. They give Sofia Coppola some award. I feel like I'm in a coma. Nothing matters to me anymore.
Eugene Levy and Catherine O'hara reprise their roles from A Mighty Wind, Mitch and Mickey....apparently they are nominated for Best Song.
I like them both very much, Eugene Levy because he's generally good and Catherine O'Hara because I found her attractive in a Orange County....
I have nothing bad to say, I hope they win...
On other topics, why the hell isn't In America nominated for anything? that's the best movie i saw all last year....
Is anyone else bothered by the fact that the four hobbits came together? What message are they trying to send?
Who is Pierce Bronson kidding? no one is going to nominate his ass for an award, he couldn't even get nominated for an Emmy back in the Remmington Steel Days
BEST EDITING? Do they want me to cry? THey friggin pre-empted Alias for this?????
Evil
Okay, okay, I get the point. The Lord of the Rings will win every f'ing technical award out there. Film Editing. Sound Mixing. Making People Look Like Hobbits. C'mon, can we fast forward through the 45 remaining technical awards?
Hey, did anyone notice that Julianne Moore's boobs are not up to par? I mean, this is the Oscars. Make your boobs look better. On the other hand, Diane Lane's cans were super hot. It make me sweat a bit.
The one funny line of the night so far
After a rousing speech by Erroll Morris where he likened the situation in Iraq to the "rabbit hole" that was vietnam" Bill turns to the screen and deadpans "I can't wait till they do his tax return' - Good line
The president of the Academy comes out, poops himself, mispronounces "Atticus' four times and then drifts into dementia. Its the most gripping 10 minutes of television ever.
Evil
Am I watching the Technical Oscars? They just gave out the award for Best Sound Editing. Before that was Best Sound Editing. Before that was Outstanding Visual Effects. Before that was Best Make Up. You'd think that the two dudes who won for Best Make Up would make themselves look better. Were those two ugly dudes or what?
Hey, I am wondering... did they present the awards for Best Picture and Best Director in a private ceremony before the show?
Julia Roberts is on... how old is she? I wonder if she's ever given BJ for a role. Like in the early days.
When did Sofia Coppola divorce Spike Jonz? Man is her nose huge? I am in love with her...I am in love with both her and Scarlett Johansen at the same time.
Why does Bill Murray look like an older Tom Hanks from Philadelphia?
Clearly, Scarlett JOhansen dropped out of school before she figured out how to read.
Its clear to me that ABC is trying to drive all viewers away by front loading the awards with the likes of Best Make up, Best Effects and "best animated documentary about nature"
OMG!!! Jim Carey tries too f*cking hard and its exhausting and i can't deal with it, and i want to cry. I think they dimmed the lights on him because everyone was getting annoyed. What is his connection to Blake Edwards?
What did Jennifer Garner do to merit her punishment (hosting the Technical and Scientific Achievement in Film Awards).
Carey just made some poor jokes about Blake Edwards being senile...
Also, Evil's GAY!
Billy Crystal used to be funny right? I mean i dont for a fact or anything, he's never made me laugh.
I wonder how Jada and Will Smith have sex, given the 4ft difference in height, i just imagine the whole thing being awkward
Granted I sat down late, but so far i have only seen the "best short animated" and "best special effect". Could I care less?
Oscar's Round up
(sorry for the late start)
Liv Tyler normally looks strange but here she looks like someone who just fell out of porno scene, what's with the fake glasses and the F*** me voice??
I am compelled to ask: Did Alison Krauss and Sting steal a song cut from ROTK and claimed it as the song from Cold Mountain ???
BTW, Elvis Costello ROCKS!!! Why can't he save us and write an interesting song for one of these overbloated movies?
Wednesday, February 25, 2004
Tracy and Hepburn: Outdated TV Review
I must admit, I am a sucker for the happy ending.
I finally got around to watching the last Sex and the City last night. Damn, I misted up worse than I did that one time my mom sucker punched me after I made fun of her hairdo.
I loved that Carrie didn't stay in Paris. The City is NY, not Paris. A writer movng to Paris is SO 1922. Honestly, I don't know that I approve of the impact the show has had, I am pretty sure the Marina section of SF is entirely the fault of SATC and for that alone someone should be punished. Besides, is it really appropriate for 40 year old women to go out on a friday night, get drunk and shout about penis all night? I don't think so.
But really, the show captured a moment in time really well. I never watched the show until I moved in with Manolo in late 2000 and became hooked. I could never admit it, because i spent the whole half hour mocking Manolo and Mr. NonCommital for watching this "show for old chicks who haven't gripped reality", but really I was really digging it. Carrie would go on a date to Bungalow 8, I was just at Bungalow 8 the week before. They'd be at Sushi Samba, I would have just been there. It was all very dot.com era, all very posh, all very "how great is this new scrubbed down, ritz NY". I was there, I saw, I knew.
But that moment passed, jsut like my time in NYC passed, I was done there and the show was done for me. Still I'm glad it ended, and I think it ended the right way, Carrie and Big (why was he called big anyway? because of his member? or his wallet? I hope to one day earn the name Big, i'll take either reason). Its all very Tracy and Hepburn....
Besides, Chris Noth rocks....I've been drunk enough to get tossed from the Cutting Room, and I didn't.
Tuesday, February 24, 2004
Evil
'ROIDED UP!
I have to know, man, who in baseball is 'roided up and who isn't? It's like when I was a kid and someone broke the lamp in the living room. My mom just wanted to know who the heck broke the lamp: me, my no good little brother, or my snotty big sister. My mom wouldn't have gotten mad or anything. She just wanted to know, you know? (Or at least that's what she said. Moral of the story: never trust my mom. I owned up to breaking the lamp and that woman beat me within an inch of my life. You think The Passion of The Christ has some violent scenes, you should have seen my childhood. But I digress...)
Back to baseball... I'll admit that take steroids doesn't do anything for increasing bat speed or foot speed. I don't really know why baseball players would do it, seeing as it makes your pee pee smaller, gives you acne, and makes your head bigger. WHO WANTS A BIG HEAD??? But you have to admit though: Barry Bonds does look pretty suspicious these days:
Sunday, February 22, 2004
Thursday, February 19, 2004
Evil
I GOT A HUG TODAY
It was weird. I'm not used to getting hugs in a professional environment. Yes, the hug happened at work. And luckily, it wasn't from a dude. That would have been really weird. As it is, it's just sort of weird. I liked it tho. The girl who hugged me is a 24 year old sex pot. I sometimes try to avoid her on purpose because I'm afraid if I talk to her, I will somehow oogle her too blatantly and then get fired.
I should have more to write about, but I might have caught X-TIAN's case of the blues. Screw you, Big Head! I'm off to mope around now. If you happen to see my parents, please do me a favor and remind them that they didn't hug me enough when I was a kid. (I stole that line from X-TIAN. HAHAHA.)
Save Angel!
Dude, the saddest part about Angel getting cancelled its clearly getting better with time, last night's episode where Angel was pure hilarity as Angel and co. fight off a bunch of demons who take over a children's show with some interesting results.
I like Joss Whedon (Buffy, Firefly) well enough but Bend Edlund (The Tick!!!) is a friggin genius
SPOOOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can someone put the O.C. up on BitTorrent please? I can't seem to find it.
Wednesday, February 18, 2004
I feel as if the world is moving about a half step faster than i can deal with today. Its very wierd.
I noticed that I have been relying heavily on caffine the other day. On any given day, I pound the following:
16oz cup of coffee (830am)
1 can Diet Coke (11am)
1 can Diet Coke (with lunch)
1 can Diet Coke (3 pm)
and then somehow end up needing a nap from 5-6pm. Its a bit extreme. So I decided to cut out caffine today to see how I could do without it.
I sat down in class and basically wanted to cry. People seemed to be shouting al around me, "....dinner plans" "chris....ugly"
"hit tennis balls....court" none of it was making any sense. It was all i could do to not get under the table and ball up.
During class was no better, I basically sat there like a sad sack examining both the Sleave/Rina blog and Web's Blog. Outstanding blogs thru and thru, that make me insanely jealous. How do these freaks put all this time into their blogs, it took me 3 months to resurrect comments after my initial comment provider went out of business.
Anyway, in between classes I ran off and got some coffee. but this is not the right way to be. I need a new plan...
Any thoughts on how I should deal with this?
Tuesday, February 17, 2004
Adding Insult to Injury
So today is rough on a couple of levels.
(1) The Yanks have A-Rod, I can't say its wrong because whatever, its not really wrong, just mildly depressing. The only thing that will make it ok is if A-Rod and Jeter get in a slap fight in the club house over a woman. That's how it all ended for the Kidd, Jackson, Mashburn Mavs I believe
(2) The WB cancelled Angel! The hell?! It was going so good this season, I like the show about the vampire with a soul. Really dark stuff sometimes...and good over alll.
Find out what you can do here:
http://www.renewangel.com/
Monday, February 16, 2004
Evil
WOOOOOO!
Don't have to work today, so I'm listening to Mike and the Dog on the radio. The show is pretty much a 5-hour ARod-fest. Wooooo! Pumped up!
Actually, the Dog is on vacation but fat Mike Francesca really brought his "A" game today. During one of the commercials, they were playing this pre-recorded jingle promoting a Mets call-in contest. Basically, be the 13th caller and win 2 tickets to some random Mets game. Fat Mike cuts in during the middle of the jingle and goes, "What? Are the Mets nuts!? Does anyone care about the Mets today?" Hahahaha. Good one.
To add insult to injury, fat Mike yells over to his producer and asks, "Are we even gonna get 13 callers for this content?"
Poor Mr. Met. Not only is he gay, but his team sucks to boot.
Friday, February 13, 2004
Evil
MEDICAL COMPLICATIONS (Part 2)
My tongue is swollen, as I mentioned earlier. Something bad happened last nite... I bit my tongue while eating. What does one do to heal a tongue? I can't stick a band-aid on it. I can put some rubbing alcohol or iodine or peroxide on it. WTF? All I can say is that I now have an open wound on my swollen tongue and it hurts like a bitch.
Thursday, February 12, 2004
Evil
MISOGYNY?
EVIL: i called my cleaning lady and asked when she could come clean
EVIL: and she was like
EVIL: "saturday ok?"
EVIL: i was like, "i guess"
DangerZ: heh.. why do you need a cleaning lady?
EVIL: dude
DangerZ: you're already a cleaning lady!
EVIL: because cleaning is hard work
EVIL: why am i already a cleaning lady?
EVIL: that makes no sense?
DangerZ: your place across from McBain was always so spick/span
EVIL: cleaning has bad ROI
EVIL: same thing for doing my own laundry
EVIL: it's all about outsourcing
DangerZ: good for you!?
EVIL: see you are smart
EVIL: because you either gotta outsource or get married
EVIL: hahahaa
EVIL: why couldnt this be like 1950 all over again
DangerZ: no, you live the life of a bachelor, no worries, you can do anything you want!
EVIL: i wonder what it was like back then
EVIL: when you could marry a woman and then all of a sudden she does all of your housework and whatnot
EVIL: that's a wild thought
EVIL: maybe i should move to china
EVIL: i bet i could still get that sort of deal there
EVIL: altho i would want to marry a girl with good teeth
DangerZ: well, back then, you were never supposed to do your housecleaning,
DangerZ: you stayed at home until you got married
EVIL: damn, what a life
EVIL: seamless transition from mom to wife
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
Evil
MEDICAL COMPLICATIONS
This is not good. I know I've been losing muscle tone for a while now. Never really thought much of it because I am cuter when I'm chubby, so hey, no sweat. But recently I've also noticed that my tough is getting bigger... or rather, it's getting more swollen. It's at the point now where my tongue gets in the way of my teeth. I guessing that in a week it will start to protrude out of my mouth and I'll become all drooly.
I started to worry, so I hopped on WebMD tonite. Like I said... this is not good. Lost muscle tone. Big tongue. I think I'm getting Down Syndrome. I'm not sure how to break this to my parents.
Monday, February 09, 2004
Evil
SCREW YOU, Big Head.
Just for the record, I don't have any Lilith Fair concert albums. Secondly, it's 2004 already. Who's still mentioning Lilith Fair in everyday contexts, as if it were 2000 all over again.
Too bad I was already asleep while this whole "real-time" (cough cough) blogging was going on. Because I would have liked participating. The Grammys are a fun event to watch and make fun of other people. Woooooo.
During the Sarah McLaughlin performance I think of Evil and wonder if he cried when watched this. He has all of Sarah's albums including the Lilith Fair Concert Albums...
Ozzy comes out in a neck brace and clearly not keeping it together. Sometimes, I want to smack Sharon. Stop wasting his money, you trollop!
I start bopping for Earth Wind and Fire
The camera work is all messed up
Sam Jackson is high and breaking up all momentum with his talking...go away...
What's the Grammys without Farnsworth Bentley?
Later Snoop comes out with Jason Alexander, I would call him a sell out but that's nothing new...
For some reason, Pharrell and Chad are asked to stand for an award they won earlier.
Coldplay beats out a bunch of hip hop guys for an award.
The Black Eyed Peas come out and i pull down my pants in anticipation of watching Fergie...
Damn she's hot!!!!!!!!
Jaffet and I have an argument where I explain that JT should not come out because the second he does it takes all attention away from the Peas and puts it on him
As J makes his point, JT comes up on some scaffolding...i stand corrected. But then they pan back to Fergie and we loose our respective trains of thought
JT comes back out and sings Senorita and Arturo Sandoval comes out for kicks...and they turn it into a crazy soulfull jam, except with a white dude and a puerto rican cat...wild...
During a beatles tribute, Jaffet points out to me that Yoko Ono looks a lot like John Lennon. I don't necessarily agree but the idea makes me laugh.
Sunday, February 08, 2004
JT beats out two dead guys for Best Male Pop Vocal performer
The chick from "Joan of Arcadia" tries to maul him...why is Amy Lee wearing a dress made of duct tape? JT brought brought his moms, what? No Cameron? he makes a few awkward jokes about exposed boobs and there is an awkward cut to Hillary Duff...
And we're back....
Queen Latifah comes out, I wretch and then she introduces X-Tina who treats us to Beautiful. I feel compelled to look at myself in the mirror proudly.
She is wearing a lot of clothes right now, probably encouraging us to focus on her voice rather than her ass...
What's with the lighting? Is she sporting a bunch of zits right now or is someone asleep at the wheel in the booth?
John Mayer and "From the Whole Ten Yards" Matthew Perry, is that a joke about Friends being over?
Beck has a serious trouble with his microphone and says something like
"ladies and gentleman, Jesus and Children of America...The White Stripes"
Jack White has his guitar tuned wierd and there is a timing issue between something and something else...fire someone please? Meg looks hot...really hot...plastic surgery?
Joe Perry made a deal with the devil when? Is he Dorian Grey? Is Steven his portrait? They and BB King present the rap grammy for my benefit. Juxtaposition amuses me. Outkast is lost somewhere and the camera does not know where to cut to...hahah...only dre comes up...where's big boi? did he refuse to come up because they only shouted out the Love Below?
Gwen Stefani and Quentin Tarrantino welcome us here...and point out that its the twentieth anniversary of "Purple Rain" which also means its the 20th anniversary of me seeing my first naked movie boob (APOLLONIA!!!!!!!!!) Quentin is trying to do a ghetto thing with his voice. It sucks and i want to hit him...
Beyonce comes out, looking tired and worn and thanks all 20 peole involved in writing her album
We cut to Ellen Degeneres who does a stuttering Woody Allen thing, not funny...
She cuts to a Beatles tribute by Sting, Vince Gill, Dave Matthews and Pharrell????????
WHAT???
Luckily Pharrell and his weak voice play the part of Ringo. But is Sting then John, George? Should Vince GIll mix in a salad from time to time?
Hey ITS PRINCE!!!!!!!! WOOO! Parade was the most underrated album ever.
I missed Prince..he still rocks and boy does he still have a great ass
I need a danceoff between Prince and Morris Day right now...with Tyrone making jokes in the background
Oh look ther's Beyonce. I still don't like her legs...
I just complimented a dude's ass and dissed a sexy's chick's body...am i gay?
Why did Prince change guitars...the purple one was better.
Saturday, February 07, 2004
Evil
FEELING SAD
Picture a sunset and a quiet road leading away from you. The slightest breeze kicks up a facefull of dust. Picture me alone, walking down the road. This is my theme music:
Click to play
(Kickin' it old school! Recognize that one?)
Wednesday, February 04, 2004
Evil
Check out this street fight video. It kicks ass. (Har har.) Honestly tho, I don't know whether it's funny or disturbing.
Sunday, February 01, 2004
Have you naked by the end of this song
Anyone got an online shot of Janet's boob?
Best we got so far is here.
Money shot
I got the Panthers over the Pats in a squeaker. 24-21...
I am taking the Panthers because they are more manish. Have you see Kris Jenkins? Him and Julius Peppers are going to do work. Brigit Moynihan is not even going to recognize Tom Brady he's gong to be so broken up. Kris Jenkins, Stephen Davis et al, are just going to go out there play their game and take it to the overly cerebral Pats. F*** stupid Belicheck and his strategizing, That fat moose Charlie Wiess is probably strategizing his fat ass thru a Pizza right now, F***er will probably have a coronary before kick off.
SCREW THE PATS, YO!!!!!!
Monday, January 26, 2004
Man, who said the pope was out of touch with the youth?
CNN.com - Papal blessing for break-dancers - Jan. 26, 2004
Thursday, January 22, 2004
The Elf Vote
Anybody worried that this guy will base his economic plans on baking cookies in treehouses?
Man, am I caught up in some campaign fever. 10 days ago, sitting in my house -drunk and high- I prediced that Jon Edwards the was the man to watch. If he places 3rd in NH and wins SC its a downhill sprint for him. How great...Candidate Dean is increasingly disturbing and scary, and Kerry seems to always look like he died 14 days ago. Its sort of like Weekend at Bernie's with that guy. How odd.
Jay-Z sipping champagne, courtside at a Net's game in three years in Brooklyn, who'd have thought it...crazy
Monday, January 19, 2004
Tuesday, January 13, 2004
Wednesday, January 07, 2004
Evil
SLEEVE: where's xtian?
EVIL: i think he died
EVIL: call him
EVIL: and let me know
SLEEVE: didn't make it to 2004
EVIL: wasnt tough enough
EVIL: let's have a moment of silence for our big headed friend
EVIL: (silence)
SLEEVE: can you write his eulogy on The Hose
EVIL: i should
EVIL: let's go to FD's in memory of Big Head
SLEEVE: 1976-2003
EVIL: "He is survived by Little Big Head, his parents, and loads of chicks that he felt up in the late 90's"
EVIL: ok back to work
EVIL: laters
SLEEVE: :-D
Friday, January 02, 2004
Saturday, December 27, 2003
Evil
A TALE OF TWO FATTIES (PART 1)
My two youngest cousins are 9 and 12. Conveniently, the 9 year old weighs 90 pounds and the 12 year old weighs 120 pounds. Also conveniently, we (the older cousins) refer to them as the Fatty Brothers. The nickname started of course as a joke, but it kind of stuck and sometimes the meanness of it makes me feel bad. I first realized this when the older kid started to understand the meaning of Fatty Brothers and every time we used that term, he would protest:
"Don't. call."
At this point, he would need to pause and catch his breath.
"Me. That!"
But relatively speaking, being one half of the Fatty Brothers is still much better than his original nickname, the one we gave him before his younger brother popped onto the scene. See, the older one didn't start speaking until very late. He didn't even have the ability to babble, like most kids do before they learn how to form words. Instead, he just grunted. He would sit at the table and grunt to his dad and his dad would give him more food (more food!). He would run to his mom and grunt and his mom would give him and hug and say softly, "Aww, are they picking on you again?"
So naturally, we called him Grunty.
My sister hypothesized that Grunty might be retarded. At one point she even set a firm deadline, saying "If that kid doesn't start speaking within 6 months, I'd bet anything that he's retarded." I almost took her up on that bet just because betting on whether a family member is retarded is really damn funny.
(To be continued...)
Thursday, December 25, 2003
Evil
SEASON OF GIVING
I met some friends for drinks last week and one of them told me a pretty interesting thing: when you donate blood, they can put that stuff on the shelf for up to 6 weeks, but platelets are only good for 5 days... so around the holidays, platelets are in seriously short supply everywhere because people rarely think about this stuff while in the midst of holiday shopping.
Since I live only a few blocks from Memorial Sloan Kettering (and seemingly, a dozen other hospitals as well), I dropped by to donate platelets after work on Dec 23rd. I've given blood before, but apparently, donating platelets is a whole other monster. I stepped into MSK feeling pretty jazzed about doing a good thing but things started heading downhill, and fast...
They made me sign all sorts of disclaimers. I easily waived my right to sue in the event of death (who ever heard of a dead man suing anyone?), but when I read the part about "the procedure may cause bruising..." I seriously thought about bailing. But I didn't. Toughness in action right there, boys.
Then came the medical history forms. Like I said, I've donated blood in the past, so I knew there would be a checkbox that asks "Since 1977, have you had sex with a man?" And this question always makes me chuckle: "Have you ever had sex with anyone with jaundice or anyone who appeared jaundiced." HAH. I don't know why that's funny, but it is. The thing I didn't expect is that in this hospital, you fill out some of the answers in a form, but for the morally-probing questions, they ask you face to face! So I sat in front of this lady as she ran me through a battery of moral challenges:
"Have you ever paid for sex?"
"Have you ever had sex with someone who has paid for sex?"
"Have you ever been paid for sex?"
"Have you ever punched someone in the stomach while soliciting sex?"
"Have you ever had unprotected sex with a drug user?"
"Have you ever punched someone in the stomach while buying drugs?"
There were others, but you get the point. At the end of it all --because apparently they get lots of liars-- the lady hands me two stickers with bar codes printed on them. She shows me that one sticker means "Use my blood" and the other one means "Throw away my blood." And then she turns away so I can choose the appropriate sticker to put on my answer sheet.
Isn't that somewhat extreme? Oh well, whatever.
Then comes the actual donating of platelets. Whereas donating blood is a 15 minute deal involving one needle, donating platelets is a 90 minute ordeal involving one needle in each arm. Basically, they take blood out of one arm, spin it around to extract the platelets, and feed the remaining blood back into the other arm. I say it's an ordeal not because one extra needle makes a huge difference, but have you ever had to sit perfectly still for 90 minutes? About 2 minutes into the procedure I was already in trouble. I had an itch above my right eyebrow. Fuck.
I moved my right arm to see if scratching would be feasible but I quickly realized that the needle was jabbing me in quite the wrong way when I bent my arm.
It's weird having an itch and not being able to scratch it because it doesn't go away. In fact, it jumped around my face and even multiplied so before long, I had itches on my chin, under my collar, on the tip of my nose, basically everywhere.
I'm still not entirely sure how I managed to get through the whole 90 minutes, but lemme tell you, the instant that the nurse pulled out the first needle from my elbow, I scratched my face so vigorously that I basically clawed my face into pieces. The nurse was horrified. It was almost worth the whole experience to see her face.
Luckily, the nurse quickly grabbed my arm because had broken any skin, I surely would have bled to death seeing as I had just donated all of my platelets. Hah. How ironic would that have been.
Anyway, that was that. I'm not sure this post had a point. But whatever...
Monday, December 22, 2003
Who cares about the Jets. I want to kiss you.
Broadway Joe, on the sidelines in 1968, pimping hos between snaps
Did anyone catch Joe Namath being interviewed on the sidelines during the Pats/Jets games on Sunday Night? Apparently, old Broadway Joe pulled a ham handed, Evil type move on ESPN sideline Reporter, Suzy Kohber. When asked about the Jets and what they needed to do to improve, Ol' Joe Willie started hitting on her.
Click here to read the AP story.
Thankfully, Suzy is not that attractive. Imagine if it had been like Jill Arrington or the other chick that used to be on Monday Night Football, there might have been some full on "lead with the left" Chick-a-bow-a-wow
Sunday, December 21, 2003
HITTING THE WALL
For once, I write about hitting the wall and it's not me doing the hitting. Maybe that's a good sign for the upcoming year. Actually, since you've all been good boys and girls this year (HAH!), I have TWO hitting the wall stories to share...
One. On Thursday night, we had our company holiday party. It was great... open bar, the whole thing. You know. The only downside is that people had to come in to work the next day and as you'd expect, everyone was hurting to various degrees. I think the prize for Most Hurting went to this girl...
Girl: You don't know how much I'm hurting today.
Me: Well, we're all hurting.
Girl: No, you don't understand. Have you ever had to take a nap in the shower?
Me: Umm, no.
Girl: I was showering this morning and I realized that I just couldn't get through it. I went and napped in the shower.
Me: Wait. You were lying down in the shower?
Girl: Yeah.
That was great. I was picturing her naked and passed out in the shower. Hot.
Two. On Saturday morning I ran a race in Central Park. It was the "Holiday Run For Kids 4-Miler." I'm not sure what the For Kids element was all about, but there certainly were lots of kids entered in the race.
Shortly after the race started, I ran past a kid and someone who was probably his dad. The kid stopped his stride, threw his hands in the air and then slapped them down on his sides. Then he huffed in exasperation, "A mile is a long way!"
To which his dad responded, "You're not even at a mile yet! C'mon let's go!!!"
That's some tough love right there, but I think his dad did the right thing. Kids need to learn what toughness is all about.
Wednesday, December 17, 2003
conversations I witness
The Bumpasaurus: Is [random comic book title] any good?
Comic Book Girl: I hear it is, but i'm a preacher's daughter
Bump; huh?
CBG: I'm a preacher's daughter and I can't get behind curse words every other dialogue box.
Bump: oh...umm..ok
CBG: 'scuse me for just one second
[CBG goes off and rings something off, Pacey, looks over at me browsing some trade paperbacks and goes back to reviewing his subscription form or something]
CBG: oh, so I haven't finished my story..
Bump: Story?
CBG: 'bout my dad, so he's a minister but the funny part is I was excommunicated...but it's wierd right because I'm not a bad girl, I'm actually a good girl and its wierd that I would be excommunicated [Bump looks over at me and I sign that I'm ready to go. He presents his stack of comics for her to ring up]
I mean I dunno, him and my mom got divorced and what not but still, I never really got a clear reason for why I [Bump walks over to me and brings me back over so we can clearly communicate that we are waiting for her and then will leave...he clearly wants her to end her story] It was wierd. I got a letter in the mail and everything.
Bump: what faith is that?
CBG: Lutheran
Bump: oh...umm...figures...
CBG: 'scuse me [grabs the stack of comics to ring up]. Ugh, I am so sore I can't reach or bend over anymore, I'm still sore from last night...
Bump: [i didn't see it but I assume he gave her the arched eyebrow. I covet the lil' bast*rds forehead dexterity]
CBG:have y'all seen Return of the King yet?
Bump: yeah...earlier
CBG: Don't tell me 'bout it. Normally I like going to the midnight showing...but I can't because I am workin a second job at UPS at nights.
Bump: oh how's that? things must be going crazy
CBG: Yeah, sorta i am supposed to be doing 460 packages a night but I can only do about 3...
Bump: Hey, take care...have a good holiday season
As we leave the shop, Bump turns and asks "did you notice me walking over to you three times." I admitted i was too distracted by the wierdness. I asked if he was her therapist or something?
Bump: It can't be a real religion if they let ministers have kids
me: [shrug]
Tuesday, December 16, 2003
Evil
CLEARING THE AIR
On Saturday night, I ran out to Bed Bath & Beyond and bought an air purifier. I'm not sure why I had the sudden urge to purify the air around me, but the feeling hit me and it hit me hard. As such, I bought one of those heavy duty HEPA filters. Good stuff.
I was reading the instruction manual and noticed a couple of interesting points:
1. "The HEPA filter removes virtually all airborne particles passing through it." More specifically, it filters out 99.97% of all particles, down to 0.03 microns.
2. "The HEPA filter should be changed every 12 months."
Points 1 and 2 combined has me thinking: When I go to change that filter 12 months from now, HOW SKANKY IS IT GOING TO BE? I mean, that thing will have trapped all sorts of pollen, dirt, house dust, comet dust, dust mites, bed mites, boogers, flu viruses, HIV, airborn cum and dried fecal matter in it over the course of a full year. Will I die instantly once I touch it? I am afraid.
I spent thursday, friday and saturday in close proximty to a number of people of had the "flu". I never stood a chance.
That's my problem with these people. They just don't know how to be sick.
When you're sick. Do the following
(1) Close all your windows and put up heavy blinds. In a pinch, feel free to use heavy blankets
(2) Put on ill fitting sweat pants. Not like wind pants or anything you would wear out to a book store. Sweatpants, the sort of thing that you would put on if you wanted to fit in at wal-mart
(3) lay in bed, all day, with nothing more than a few bottles of water, some boxes of tissues and buckets...many buckets.
What you should not do, is
(1) show up to a group meetings and liberally handle all sorts of calculators, laptops and writing instruments that your classmates might be using.
(2) Do not, show up a party, get ripped and liberally sniffle in front of everyone you talk to
(3) Basically, please just stay away from me.
I am going to go lie down somewhere in the dark....
Tuesday, December 09, 2003
Things Said to me on Saturday Evening when the worlds collided and EVIL met some of my school friends
(1) "so let me get this straight, none of you are in a relationship. Neither of you are trying to hook up with her? That settles it you and [Evil] are both clearly gay" - my cool, female married friend.
(2) "That's personal and inappropriate." - My friend's wife
(3) "where are all the single women at?" -EVIL
(4) "He's not even vietnamese is he?" - A short vietnamese classmate that EVIL tried to put the move on. I defended him with "He's actually half vietnamese/half Puerto Rican. Jackson Heights Baby"
(5) "did your friend just say he's getting off on the boob rubs as he walks around...ill"
(6) "you can't dance" to which i replied "i'm just drunk"
Here's an exchange EVIL and I had
Me: Gotta admit pretty funny
EVIL: ONly you would think that's funny. That's not funny at all.
ME (not said but thought): I could crush your windpipe right now. That would be funny, you Knee Cutting Bastard
I was pretty ripped towards the end of the evening. Apparently, I thought better of it and bagged the afterparty I idea and jumped in a car going to the East Bay. I did not realize this until we were well over the bridge. When I was asked what exit to take to where I lived I realized that a Trinidadian dude was passed out on my shoulder and the creepy classmate with an asian fixation (CCWAF) were also in the car. The car btw, belonged to my vietnamese classmate, who i had spent the better part of 2 hours positioning EVIL to hit off. I wondered aloud "what am i doing in this car? who are you people?"
When I got home my roommate was asleep on the couch. I woke his ass up and we continued drinking. He was discussing some problem he had with a significant other. I encouraged him repeatedly (occasionally with shoves towards the door) that it was a problem that needed to be resolved right that second, by driving to South Bay at 4am (while drunk)!!!
Later I passed out on the rug.
Proof that EVIL is in fact evil...
EVIL"are you going to try to stab you cool married, friend's husband in the back? I think you are"
X-Tian "that thought had not even crossed my mind. What's wrong with you?"
EVIL"oh...um...nothing...hahaha"
Monday, December 08, 2003
Evil
The snow storm kept me from getting back to New York this weekend, which was great because I stayed in the Bay Area an extra day and got to hang with X-TIAN at a party in SoMa. The party was in a packed lounge and it took all of 30 seconds for X-TIAN and EVIL to revive our two-man pickup routine from the mid-to-late 90's. Our act is not like The Eagles or The Rolling Stones, where the material stands up to the test of time. Come to think of it, I'm not sure that we got much success (err, ANY success) of out the act during its orginal run, but hey. I think we're much more like Whitesnake because as Saturday night proved yet again, when the team of X-TIAN and EVIL work a bar scene, things are sure to go down in flames.
The night's festivities started with me driving from South Bay up to the city. In amazing defiance of the odds, there were three accidents on US-101 between Mountain View and San Francisco and none of them involved ME! Bay area people are SO not tough, it's embarrassing. Granted, a torrential downpour left the roads wet and obsured some visibility, but bay area people just freak out and start crashing into medians. Crazy stuff. Being the tough Northeasterner that I am, I cruised up to the city unscathed, ready for an evening of partying or clownery, whichever came first.
I bop in to the lounge with my tall Chinese friend in tow. I have this theory that being seen with a spectacularly tall Chinese girl will bring me more cred when I work the scene, but somehow that hasn't panned out. We grab drinks and go look for a Giant Head in the crowd. That takes only a few seconds.
X-TIAN and I break into some banter that involves making fun of these two blonde girls who are right behind us. They get up and leave and throw disgusted glances in our direction. That's the old magic working right there. We haven't lost a thing, lemme tell you.
Basically, repeat the part about grabbing drinks and receiving disgusted looks and that pretty much sums up the evening. A good time was had by all!
By the way, I should mention that I almost got a bit of the ol' Sex that evening. Yes, it's true. The place was so packed that were it not for the fact that I was wearing pants, I'm pretty sure I would have scored. Sure, it would have been Sex via Incidental Contact, but hey, no one needs to get all technical on me. I did get rubbed by boobage from a dozen different girls, so that was cool too. Yes, I have the mentality of an 8th grader.
All in all, this makes me think that we should bring Team Rachel back together for the traditional President's Day weekend in Vegas. ("Traditional" meaning that we did it once and X-TIAN wasn't even there. HAH.) This time though, being older and wiser and because Mr. Shoulders and Kentaro make more money than they know what to do with, we will raise the stakes. I am proposing that we get our hands on some cocaine and hire a hooker so that Mr. Shoulders can re-enact the infamous scene from Gia where a coked-up hooker get punched in the stomach while trying to score her next fix. That's classic stuff. Real classic stuff.
Friday, December 05, 2003
Evil
FIGHTING THE WRONG FIGHTS
I have a bruise on my head. My left ribs are sore. I am fighting the wrong fights.
The car door did it to me. You see, I am in California this week and the lady at the car rental place gave me a brand new car. It's a less than dynamic Chevy Cavalier with all of 6 miles on it. The engine isn't quite broken in so the ride is not great, but I sort of expected that. What I didn't expect was that the doors would have super f'ing strong springy hinges. Or that each door weighs 67 pounds. Combine those two things and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out I've been getting battered by a car door all week long. (For all you rocket scientists in the audience: we're talking a force of 1.69 x 10^9 Newtons. Yes, that's some serious shit.) This is what happens every time I try to get out of the car:
1. Evil shuts off car engine and swings door open.
2. Evil moves body (160 pounds) toward outside of car.
3. Car door (67 pounds) swings out and springs back in with amazing force.
4. Freak collision.
This is bad. I'm going to go cry now. Bye.
Wednesday, December 03, 2003
The Simple Life
Couple of points I came up with:
(1) Pretty, rich girls are pretty boring
(2) Ugly, rich girls are mind numbingly so
(3) Hicks, being poor, probably under-educated, and probably beaten by life, are just not funny
(4) Just because you go to Regis, doesn't mean you're smart. Evil, who went to Stuy, has probably believed this for quite some time.
(5) Paris like Jessica Simpson before her, is pretty dumb, but unlike JS, she is someone that's really easy to hate.
(6) Paris is really pretty but has an unattractive ass, because its so flat. She has a pretty face but man her legs are like bow-legged
I am thru watching until someone double teams a farm hand or a farm animal!
Monday, December 01, 2003
Evil
THANKSGIVING AND MY FAMILY (Part 2 of 2)
Over dinner, my dad and I had somewhat of an awkward conversation. Not that we were discussing an uncomfortable topic or anything… it's just that all our conversations are awkward. We are not a socially graceful crew. This reminds me of the time that I saw my dad hold his grandson (my nephew) for the first time. He looked so awkward that I thought to myself, "That man has never held a baby before." But then I realized that he had 3 kids himself and must have held at least one of us at least once, right?
When we do talk, my dad often surprises me with how much he actually knows or how utterly stupid he is. It's weird. There's usually no middle ground. He was at both ends of the spectrum over Thanksgiving dinner. It went something like this:
Dad: So how's your new job going?
Evil: It's good. Beats my last job by a lot.
Dad: What do you do there?
Evil: You know, sales.
Dad: You're selling advertising now?
Mind you, I work at a search engine company. I bet at least 99% of the people who have heard of it know it as a search engine company. Frankly, before I started working there, I hardly had a clue how they were making money. But for some reason, it appears that my dad is familiar with the company's business model. Crazy! Anyway, the conversation continues like this…
Evil: Well no. I don't personally sell anything. I work on sales strategy in general.
Dad: I see. Have you ever thought of getting a federal job?
Evil: What?
Dad: You know, work for the government. They're always looking for people to do networking or programming or whatever.
Now, what's this crap all about? I have a cushy sales strategy job at pre-IPO search engine company that's so hot it receives over 1000 resumes a day and my dad is suggesting that I try to get job coding HTML for the Housing and Urban Development website or something. As if we were still living in Confucian times (that's 500 BC to you westerners) and the most noble occupation in all of The Middle Kingdom is to serve as an official of the state.
All in all though, I'm glad I had Thanksgiving with family this year. In previous years, I've gone around telling people that I'm an orphan and guilt-tripping them into inviting me over for Thanksgiving dinner. Boy, I gotta say, those meals were great. But someone once told me, "You jackass, Thanksgiving is for family," He was right of course. Even though I had to spend time with my crazy uncles and my brilliant / retarded dad, I was glad I did it.
Evil
You know how sometimes you're drunk and you'll say a bunch of stuff that you don't really mean? Or you'll email someone a bunch of stuff and in the morning wish you hadn't? Well, I had that type of moment the other night. I hopped on Friendster and wrote a drunked Testimonial for our old friend, Columbia. You can check it out on the site, of you can just read below, you lazy ass.
Well well well, Columbia. Funny that we should run into each other here. You look good. Really, you do. It's been what, over 5 years now. Is that right? Wow, it's been that long. Hey, I couldn't help but notice that you're now #11 on U.S. News and World report for undergraduate universities. What ranking were you when we met, Columbia? Number 7 or 8 and headed for Top 5, wasn't that right? Anyway, who pays attention to those rankings? I still remember you fondly, Columbia... Like the night that I explored your tunnels for the first time. Wow, I was really drunk that night, but I recall that you not only took me, but 4 of my friends as well. I learned a lot when we were together. You know that. You know you made me a better person. You know that, right? Columbia, OK, I'll won't beat around the bush. I'll just say it: I want us to be together again. Think about that. How great would that be? Take me back, Columbia. Take me back for business school. Think about two more years together. It'll be like old times again, except that we'll both be a little smarter and wiser. I have more money now! More for you to take! C'mon, what do you say? Call me, Columbia. Better yet, send me a big, thick envelope and include all the details of our rekindled relationship. Write me soon!
Friday, November 28, 2003
Outdated Movie Review
I caught Jon Favreau's new movie, ELF today. Well, its not really that new at all...now is it. I got to admit, for a kiddie movie/hollywood fluff there was a lot there to stare at. The north pole scenes made me think of those old ass stop motion animation Christmas specials that they used to show on CBS when i was a kid and that took me back into all these childhood memories about Christmas. Like the time I bitched to my parents that they didn't even try that Santa Claus gag with me, and the next morning (like december 3rd) there was a gift from Santa under the tree. Or that time my mom took me to Toys-r-Us and asked me which toys I would like for christmas, promptly bought them all, wrapped them, threw them under the tree and handed them out to all my cousins on Christmas, while she handed me some socks or underwear...(f*** YOU, dude! I want Zartan!)
Where was I? Oh yeah, the movie! So what I liked. I liked Zoey Deschanel! She rocks. She is really attractive in a japanese anime kind of way. I like her being cynical and with a slouched back, in my wierd fantasies that's usually how she is. I liked the cameo by Amy Sedaris (sister of David) and the shout out to David Sedaris' book Santa Land Diaries , " Did Crumpet send you?". Nice, subtle. Well played. But what was not subtle and what saved the movie is Will Ferrell. I have decided that will be in my movie when i make it and he's going to play my brother. Damn that dude is great. Hah!
Evil
THANKSGIVING AND MY FAMILY (PART 1)
For the most part, my family doesn't eat together at the table anymore. It started years back -- I had just entered college at the time -- and my parents moved from Jackson Heights to Flushing. The new house had a dining room, but from the start my dad claimed it as his office space. Besides, with me leaving the house, my sister already in college, my dad with his erratic work schedule, it only made sense to use the dining room for something practical. On occasions when we did get together as a family, we would just eat scattered about the house and that seemed fine to everyone.
I mention this bit of history because I spent Thanksgiving with my parents and grandparents. My uncles, aunts, and cousins were there too. This was at my grandparents' house so they actually had a dining room table and as such, I sat down to a meal with family for the first time in quite a while. My dad made me sit next to him, which I guess was fine because it beats sitting next to any of my strange uncles.
We have this one uncle, Second Uncle, who was in the military for many years and fought on the front lines in Vietnam. We're all pretty sure that the experience made him somewhat crazy. He's unmarried, works in a factory, and has several gold teeth -- old school style. He likes to talk about "the war" and offer to break out the old black and white photos of him in his army uniform.
And then there's Third Uncle, but everyone calls him Fat Uncle because, well, because he's fat. My family is creative like that. But anyway, I try to avoid Fat Uncle as much as possible because he's always pestering me to mentor his son, who of course, is my cousin. My cousin is 2 years younger than me and has been trying to complete his undergraduate degree going on 7 years now. He's declared and undeclared majors in business management, American literature, and international relations. He lives in his parents' basement and emerges into the light only to play networked games on the PC. I mean really, what am I supposed to do for this kid?
Lastly, there's Fourth Uncle, but since he's the last, we call him Small Uncle. In his youth, Small Uncle dreamed of being the biggest pop star in all of Vietnam. He's 36 now and in some ways, he's still holding on to that dream. About once or twice a month, he'll work a gig at a Vietnamese wedding, doing the MC'ing and singing. Apparently (according to my dad), there's quite a demand for Small Uncle in the Vietnamese wedding circles. Who knew?
One time, my dad told me that Small Uncle has promised to sing at my wedding and my immediate reaction was to make this gesture of a noose going around my neck and snapping taut. My dad was so disappointed at my outright disrespect that he simply lowered his eyelids and shook his head. My mom caught hold of the entire exchange but she kept in the background, as she was nearly doubled over in laughter. My mom does a lot of that stuff -- hanging in the background and laughing at other people (mostly at family).
Part 2... coming soon.
Wednesday, November 26, 2003
Road Trip!!!
In a couple of hours, I will be leaving for O-Town, Orlando for those not familiar with the "Dirty South." I am going to be hanging out with my former roomate Bad Will Hunting and his brother (his fantasy baseball league team name was CreamOfSomeYoungThai).
I think we are ready to start scouring the Magic Kingdom for some boobage...I am ready to try one of those patented moves I read here in the blog a while back, you know, the one where you just grab the girls arm or something or other.
If you get a collect call from Orlando, please take the call. Its probably me calling for bail money because Minnie is pressing charges.
I just hope its not as lame as when Los Bros. Barrera invaded Miami.
Big Head / Little Big Head
Yo, are you guys going to be in town for Thanksgiving?...I have been meaning to pay a visit to that hot spot of Orlando's nightlife, what is it called? Oh yeah, Rachel's Steak and Gentlemen Club...Give me a call on my cell if you want to hang...
I just spent two hours editing video of myself conducting an interview with a Product Manager at a company called WindRiver (they do embedded systems).
First off, I am one ugly mofo...and apparently (according to the interview) I am also quite dumb asking inane questions, like Charlie Rose, only with a much poorer vocabulary.
Excuse me, I msut go drink...
Tuesday, November 25, 2003
Xtian, your previous post is titled "morning wood" and the content refers to myself as well as Steve. Hmmm...which one of us does your subject line refer to? We don't know whether to be honored or worried. Actually, Steve is really hoping its about him. I don't want to have to food-fight him over your attention.
morning wood
I think i have found my soulmate and her name is Rina. Rina, check out my Friendster photos, I'm good stuff. I just have less time on my hands than Sleeve does.
BTW Sleeve, nice job with the photoshop. It would be funnier if you cropped out Paris' face and crop mine in...WTF???
I wholeheartedly agree with Xtian's rant concerning TV characters who just get too f**king lucky. Its screws up our youth.
Do you remember when Saved By the Bell's Zach - a moron who couldn't even think of clever schemes to avoid detention or that horny psycopath Screech- got a near perfect SAT score and was recruiruited by Harvard? Godamn Harvard, people. Zach Morris would not even be capable of handling ITT Tech.
I blame shows like this for scewing my vision of reality and contributing to my breakdown when I ate ding-dongs, watched the Nanny, and played foosball during senior year instead of studying and was then rejected by Harvard. "Zach got in - so why can't I?"
I'm so sick of situations working out for TV characters. Although I love them, I kind've want to see them suffer [is that normal?]
However, I disagree with you XTian concerning Kelly. I want to see more of 90210 Kelly Taylors -- pretty girls who get shot at, burned, robbed, abused, kidnapped, cheated on 18 times, in addition to getting drawn into a cult by lesbians [Dec. Season five]. Now that's refreshing and entertaining.
BRITNEY SPEARS PERFORMING ARTS FOUNDATION CAMP APPLICATION:
NAME: Rina [last name withheld by COB]
AGE: 21
LOCATION: 200 [street name withheld by COB], New York, NY
TALENT: Being just like Britney
DID YOU INCLUDE $25 APPLICATION FEE? Yes, and one of my favorite thongs as well
PLEASE EXPLAIN WHY YOU ARE QUALIFIED AND WANT TO JOIN CAMP BRITNEY:
When I first performed on Star Search, I remember losing to some Ku Klux Klan 10 -year old pimply shithead who sang Whitney Houston's "I Wanna Dance With Somebody." After he kicked me in the groin, infected me with Type 2 cooties, and stole my candy machine money, I held my arm out to heaven and swore as God as my witness, I'll never let white trash win again. To me, that's what Britney embodies - not letting trash like Christina Aguilera or Willa Ford prevail in the radio-airwave battle for pop music icons. Over the past years, I’ve studied and emulated Britney's strategic moves: pigtails, wearing slutty clothing while claiming to be wholesome, lying about my sexual history, dancing erotically, dating a gay pop singer, and kissing older women.
I've taken numerous belly-dancing and stripper dance classes at New York’s esteemed Baby Doll Gentlemen’s Club in addition to training with zoo snakes and sea lions in preparation for my future MTV VMA skanky dance performance. Whenever I wrap a baby seal around my shoulders and swing my hips back in forth while singing "I'm a Slave For You," I can strongly feel the presence of Britney's spirit. I think of how Britney overcame her leg injury and gathered the courage to pose virtually topless in Esquire and it gives me the strength to venture sans-bra to the corner supermarket to pick up some Campbell's canned tomato soup. I understand the incredible impact Britney has on my generation and I want to join the forces of Britney's PR campaign to help transform more young pre-pubescent girls into her hot-ass image.
At Camp Britney, I intend to express my singing and acting talents and hopefully pick up a nasally Southern drawl - just like my BritBrit. In addition to performing in my 2nd grade "Hanukkah Maccabe spectacular," I also hum the Beverly Hills 90210 theme every time I drive in L.A. and know all 23 Old Navy commercial jingles by heart. In addition, I have recorded, on my Hello Kitty personal tape recorder, my very own version of Sir Mix-A-Lot's "Baby Got Back" called "Brit's got a rack"
I hope you will consider me as a candidate for Camp Britney as I look forward to spreading the gospel of Pop's Princess to those less fortunate without MTV or Access Hollywood.
I can't wait to have naked pillowfights and roast nuts Brit! See you soon!
XOXO,
Rina
Monday, November 24, 2003
TV Educations
Had a pretty long breakfast conversatin about Party of Five this morning with one of my roommates. After a while we realized that neither one of us remembered anything about season 6. Although I do recall a lot about the ill-fated, Time of Your Life spin off that featured Jennifer Love Hewitt's character.
Anyway, interest pequed I hit TvTome to figure out what fate befell the poor Salinger family, kids that could never catch a break.
Apparently, Julia wrote a book (the hell? wasn;t she like a stripper? and what about Griffen? Was he still working as a grease monkey?)
Charlie married Kirstin (i guess it stuck that time)
Claudia went to Stanford (over Julliard...weren't these kids left orphan?? are they actually the descedants of JD Salinger?)
Here's the kicker....freaking Baily, useless quiter, boozer baily who managed to flunk out of San Fran Community State College (or was it Pen.) somehow moved to Philly to attend the Wharton School of Business????
The hell??? that's bullsh*t. In a rage, I checked with Scooter about this. He was amused and confused as well, but also pointed out that 90210 ended with boozer, coke head, cultist, Kelly leaving the zip code we all don't know but love for the warm embrace of morningside heights, to attend Grad school AT COLUMBIA!!!
Are you kidding me?
Are there any other shows where characters get cut a break on the season finale just so no one has to worry about them anymore? what a cop out! write me if you can think of another one...
See that's what made Buffy the Vampire Slayer a superior show, most characters (Zandar, Cordelia) didn't even get into college (freaking Oz got held back!!!) and those that did (Buffy and Willow) quickly flunked out admist a wave of slaying, lesbianism, S&M and addiction....that's reality (well except the vampires maybe)
Sunday, November 23, 2003
A Man of Limited means and talent...
can still put it on Big Dog style when he needs to.
Fill in your own backstory. Here's mine:
His suit looks sharp, but its bargain basement from a Ralph Lauren Outlet store. It was one of those rare finds. You know how it goes at the Outlets, you walk from rack to rack, sticking your hand in there and fishing about, bogarting every old lady within 5 ft of you. Most times you come empty handed, every once in a while you find a sharp pinstripe suit and somehow run out with it. The shirt looks decent too, except our hero neglects to tell anyone its a Today's Man knock off of a far more expensive shirt. The cigar is of the low end on a good brand.
The whole look costs 200 bucks at most....what a posuer
While we're on the subject, why are his eyes closed? Like I said, posuer...
Wednesday, November 19, 2003
Monday, November 17, 2003
Sunday, November 16, 2003
Evil
A conversation between Bill Singer (Mets special assistant) and Kim Ng (Dodgers assistant general manager), according to the New York Times:
Singer -- "What are you doing here?"
Ng -- "I'm working."
Singer -- "What are you doing here?"
Ng -- "I'm working. I'm the Dodger assistant general manager."
Singer -- "Where are you from?"
Ng -- "I was born in Indiana and grew up in New York."
Singer -- "Where are you from?"
Ng -- "My family's from China."
Singer -- Nonsensically mock Chinese, then "What country in China?"
Dude! That is sooo right out of second grade. People need to grow up. Besides, is Bill Singer gay or what? (Personally, I think the entire Mets organization is gay, but that's another topic altogether...) Kim Ng is a 31 year old chick who's assistant GM of the Dodgers. When she was 29, she was assistant GM of the Yankees. That chick sounds like a winner. If I ever met her, I'd be busy trying to hitch my wagon to her star instead of making fun of her.
Kim Ng, if you're reading this: email me or link up on Friendster, yo!
Saturday, November 15, 2003
A Decade of Deviance...10 years of Hard Ons
There's a new No Doubt CD coming out, well a compilation of their hits actually,The Singles, 1992-2003 and its been 10 years of me wanting to bang Gwen Stefani! The compilation has all those songs you pretend you don't like but can't get out of your head and includes a new track, well a cover of It's my Life, a Talk Talk song from the early 80s that even a 9 year old X-Tian could not get out of his gigantic head. I visualize myself wearing karate shoes for no reason and a preposterously tight shirt singing along. Then I started thinking back on the decade and got back to the first time I realized Gwen was like the hottest chick ever! It was the Don't Speak video. Granted it was not their first video, but it was the first time i was like "damn, i wanna bang this chick" I was living with Weber on Riverside drive and it was the first time in my life I had cable. DAMN! This continued on till I read somewhere that she and Gavin Rosedale liked having sex to my favorite At The Drive In CD, Relationship of Command. After that, my love only grew stronger! And now even at the age of 34, I swear to god, I think she looks even better.
Annecdotal Evidence
Messr. Evil is speaking entirely from second sources on this whole B School Busines. But as someone who is living it, I must agree wholeheartedly. In Haasweek (home of the Hustle, published weekly!) at the beginning of the year there were over 2 pages full of wedding photos. Everyone in site with a rack to speak of was getting married. Now Haas, is an interesting scenario because there are not a lot of women here, but the women in general lean towards the attractive (well, far more so than Columbia Engineering did, with the possible of exception fo sexpot Janice...and maybe the short friend, on a very good day) The one thing that blows you away though, is the first week, you're walking around eager to make a pitch, and bam! you get poked in the eye with an engagement ring. Some of these things are so big, I expect Chad Pennington himself, to line up, take the snap and throw these things 15 yds. Its all about insecurity. Its like the dude is sitting there playing his playstion one day peaks up and realizes his GF is leafing through B School apps. One thought races through the mind.
"Holy Sh*t, this girl could meet and marry a banker at any moment!"
Next thing you know, the dude is overcompensating for his penis size with an engagement ring! Ladies, if you are at the point where its "shit or get off the pot" time with you man, just request some b school apps from Kellogg, Columbia and Wharton (and of course Haas...GO BEARS!) and just leave them around. Quickest way to close the deal I ever heard of.
Of course, if the lady does accept your work doesn't end there. My friend just started school and I dunno what her man is waiting on, but he has not produced the ring yet. Something about "the moment" or some crap. Dude, hurry up, there's a line forming yo! I mean sh*t I'm running around here hitting on everything in site, engaged chicks, single chicks, lesbians...(so sad)
On the ROI issue, its a good question, at least these Google chicks are going to generate some cash. Sounds great. These B School chicks are just racking up debt...debt and potential suitors for when you screw up. It's a loose loose situation. Fellas, think twice!
Evil
IPO FEVER
I've been at my new job for three weeks now and one thing is clear: IPO Fever is in the air. Now, all this IPO talk is pure speculation (and sooo 1999 at that), but a lot of people are really into it. Specifically, the boyfriends of females in the company.
Since I started work there, I've noticed a rash of marriage proposals. Every Monday, multiple chicks come in to the office wearing huge rings and bigger smiles. Clearly, their boyfriends are locking them up before the big IPO.
I guess it's like buying options on a stock. You don't actually own the stock (that would be marriage), but you own the option to buy. I think the boyfriends are making a smart play here, for several reasons:
For one thing, once a chick knows she's getting married, she starts working out like a maniac. Gotta look stunning in that wedding dress right? If you ask me, that's just an excuse for being vain. But hey, what man doesn't want his girl to lose a little chub off her thighs?
Secondly, the engagement ties her up until IPO time. If the IPO goes well, then marriage is obvious. If the IPO bombs, then... no commitments right? Isn't that what engagement is all about? Seeing if things will work out BEFORE getting married?
This situation in general also reminds me of dudes who propose to their girlfriends who are about to enter bschool. I mean, because everyone knows that bschool is a sausage factory and any girl who is unattached going in will surely have sausages waving at her face. I'd just like to point out that while the pre-IPO proposal is a good play, the pre-bschool proposal is risky at best. It's not like buying options. It's more like a venture capital investment. That stuff is so early stage, it's really hard to predict how things are going to turn out. But more importantly, remember the "capital" in venture capital. While your girl is back in school, guess who's paying for her Louis Vuitton handbag and other junk of the next two years? Yes, you! The VC game isn't for everyone, kiddies. How many John Doerr's are out there?
By the way, if there are any chicks out there reading this, I'm sure you've noticed that I'm quite the sensitive and caring guy. And oh, I'm pre-IPO!!! Drop me and email and a picture. You don't have to be naked in the picture, but it's preferable because if you're not, I'm just going to assume that you have bad stretch marks.
Tuesday, November 11, 2003
Here is an excerpt from next week's edition of the Hustle (appearing weekly in HaasWeek)
You know it’s bad when you can’t see.
Here I was sitting in this air-conditioned cab wondering where exactly this cab driver was taking me, becoming more and more convinced that he was more interested in taking me on a tour of Ft Lauderdale rather getting me back to my hotel in a timely fashion.
My excuse is the drinking. Somewhere between being sober and being drunk I’m just paranoid. As he sits there telling me stories about Nigeria and driving at his own pace, my mind is racing. Trying to figure out if I had seen any of this strip the night before or if I was anywhere near my hotel. At one point he slows down looking for my hotel in an area that I KNOW is not my hotel. That’s it. Party over.
“Let me out here”
“Sir, its no safe here”
“Shut up, pull over and let me out. You don’t know where I’m even going.”
“Sir I go to the address I gave you…”
This goes on for another block; I shove some bills at him and tell him to [expletive] off. This goes on back and forth for a minute as I get out of the car. The second I do the humidity in the air causes condensation to form on my glasses and they mist up something awful.
Like I said, you know it’s bad when you can’t see.
Anyway, now I am just pissed off and he drives away I drive home the meaning of my hand gestures with a series of disparaging comments about the Nigerian National futbol team.
As I wipe my glasses I evaluate the situation, I have no idea where I am and start walking. I dial 411 and narrow down what hotel I am staying at and get some directions. Apparently, the cab driver did sort of know where he was going, I just have 10 more blocks to go. En route, I interrupt a drug bust to ask the police officer if I am heading the right way.
I survey the detainee and ask him if he’s Haitian, the cop seems more than a little bothered by the fact that some possibly drunk dude who has managed to sweat straight through a wool suit is interrupting his bust. I tell the cat to “stay strong” and bop off towards to my hotel.
To read more, Please visit my site after Friday.
Monday, November 10, 2003
Evil
Today, I spent two solid hours sitting in on a conference call where people were throwing out issues left and right and nothing was getting done. It was the best two hours I've spent in a long time. Possibly, the best two hours ever! Let me explain...
I was in a conference room, the long-ass kind, where they put the long-ass table. You know, like a 20-foot table or something. The conference room has a row of windows that look out onto a skinny little hallway. The only reason why anyone would be in the skinny hallway is to get to the women's bathroom. During the entire conference call, I was looking into the hallway, but I couldn't see everything... because the window shades were pulled half-way down to make the room dark for the projector. As a result, all I could see was a little 18-inch sliver that extends from a normal person's waist up to that person's shoulders.
Is this all coming together? I spent the entire two hour call watching an endless parade of breasts saunter past the window. Breasts and breasts only. No head. No legs. Just jugs. Some great ones at that.
Having seen all this, I now realize what a tool I was to spend the last 3+ years of my life in the telecom industry. I should have been in the advertising industry all along. What scenery. Damn.
Sunday, November 09, 2003
Evil
I saw on the news today that the unemployment rate dropped by 6% last month, which is pretty great news I think. The indicators are pointing toward an economic recovery. And even though I'm typically skeptical about these things, something happened last week to finally convince me.
I caught Sleave on IM and asked him is Falling Apart Index. Sleave reports that he's at 90. Then I caught X-TIAN, who reported that he's at a whopping 101 on the Index. Dude, X-TIAN is literally off the scale. I would have figured that living in a loser state like California (crazy Governor, out of control fires, the Oakland Raiders, etc.) would automatically knock 5 points off your FA Index, but apparently not. Pretty amazing stuff.
Then I thought about myself. As much as I like to claim that I'm falling apart, it's been a pretty good few weeks. For one thing, I'm part of the 6% who no longer wake up at noon and spend the day scratching our collective balls. That was fun the first 3 or 4 months, but you can only scratch so much before developing some bruising. Really. Take my word for it.
The other thing is that I actually managed to do that marathon thing last week. I don't really know why I decided to do it in the first place. I mean, I'm the type of person who won't get off the couch to pick up the remote control if I've knocked it to the floor. Instead, I'll try to change the channels with my toes. I've gotten decently good at it, actually. But anyway, now that the marathon is done with, I can do things that I enjoy, like resume my alcoholism. Boy, I really miss sitting on my living room floor on a Saturday night and popping open cans and cans of Natty Lights. Strictly a class operation.
So if you're watching Moneyline with Lou Dobbs and he throws a bunch of economic indicators your way, take all that stuff with a grain of salt. If you really want to know where the economy is headed, ask Sleave, X-TIAN, and me for the current FA Index measurements. (For the record, I am at 85.)
Tuesday, November 04, 2003
Evil
Every once in a while, people will insinuate that I'm a bad person. I hate that. You be the judge... this conversation took place recently, the night before the NYC Marathon:
Frog: It says here that the wheelchair record for the marathon is one hour something.
Evil: Big f'ing deal. Those guys don't need to do any work on the downhill. They get half the race for free!
Frog: I'm sure they'd trade that in for the use of their legs.
Evil: Oh.
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