Thursday, December 31, 2009
Sometimes I Feel Like This Guy -- Indie Short Film Edition
Evil
For when you're in the mood to watch an 18 minute indie short film in Danish. Here's the synopsis:
When Dennis, an introvert bodybuilder, invites a local girl out on a date his mother is hurt and disappointed. Despite the pressure she puts on him to cancel the date, Dennis ventures into a night that he will never forget.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Worst Decade Ever (Part 1 of 2)
Evil
Some aspects of the 00's have been truly great, as Sparks has pointed out in his Top Technology Advances post. We've also had some great television, as Xtian has posted about. The 00's was a great decade for pop culture, perhaps the best decade yet for pop culture, but you wouldn't know it from KillerB's lackluster Pop Culture Moments series. Try harder next time, KillerB.
But in some regards, the 00's have been a truly disastrous decade, and I'm not just talking about my hair follicles. For the following things, the 00's have been the Worst Decade Ever...
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10. The Chicago Cubs - 2003. Only 5. more. outs. to. go! And then Steve Barman happened. Sighhhhhh. 2007: made it to the playoffs, only to be spanked by the Diamondbacks in an embarrassing 3 games to 0 sweep. The hapless (but lovable) Cubbies stranded 30 baserunners in 3 games. 2008: back to the playoffs, but yet another 3-0 sweep. This time by the Dodgers. The Cubbies were outscored 20-to-6 in the series. 2009: learned their lesson and decided to not make the playoffs at all, preferring a second-half swoon over the embarrassment of another playoff sweep.
9. NASDAQ - Peaks at 5,134 in March 2000. Closes the decade at 2,291. Sigh. I can't even fathom how long it'll take to get back above 5,000 again. Perhaps more than an entire decade.
8. Rock 'n Roll - This is the music of youth, of rebellion, and of angst. This is the music that you wouldn't want to run into in a dark alley. Rock 'n Roll was born in the 1950's (or so) and in its first decade, we had the likes of Elvis Presley and Jerry Lee Lewis (if marrying your 13 year old first cousin is not the rock 'n roll lifestyle, I don't know what is). The 60's gave us The Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, Jimi Hendrix, Cream, and many others. The 70's brought The Ramones, Sex Pistols, Blondie, all while acts like the Stones and Zeppelin kept kicking ass. It wasn't until 1987 that Guns 'n Roses released Appetite for Destruction, but that in itself was enough to make the entire decade in my book. G'nR = Best Rock Band Ever. The 1990's was of course the decade of grunge rock, Nirvana and the like. And then the 00's hit us... clearly the worst decade ever in the history of rock 'n roll. Who was the defining rock act of the decade? Was it those pussies that we call Coldplay? Ugh! Blink 182? Linkin Park? Is rock 'n roll dead forever?
7. Airline Passengers - Remember when the biggest annoyance in air travel was having to answer those two questions about whether anyone else had packed your bags and whether your bags have been in your possession the entire time since you've packed them? And now look at the inconveniences that we suffer through: long lines, taking off your shoes, fishing out your laptop from your perfectly packed bags, getting your metrosexual facial creams confiscated because it's more than 3 ounces... and the situation is only getting worse. No pillows and blankets? Nothing on your laps? No use of iPods during the last hour? No TV during the flight because it shows a live map?
6. Newspapers - Whereas the NASDAQ will likely rebound (it's just a matter of how long) and Rock 'n Roll may likely find new life in a new decade, few will deny that newspapers are on a slow march towards death. People are reading more than ever. People are consuming more news than ever. Just not using newspapers. Goodbye old friend.
Pop Culture Images of the Decade
Do you guys remember when X-tian dyed his hair blonde, bought a 12 pack of white t-shirts and walked around with his arms folded for what seemed like an entire year? Well that year was 2000.
This, of course, is from the 2000 VMA's. The VMA's were a show people like us used to look forward to - like a Top Chef finale for the beginning of the decade.
The OOs: TV Shows We Liked to Watch: #1 The Wire
The Wire was a television program that could not have happened before the 2000s. Really, it was probably 20 years too soon but it came when it came and it was awesome.
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The concept was huge
The concept was simple enough I suspect when he sold it. A police procedural about drug dealers and wire taps in Baltimore. David Simon (a former City Reporter for the Baltimore Sun and later a producer and writer for Homicide and author of the The Corner) delivered on this but he also gave us so much more. In the end he told a broad story about the failure of large US cities at the beginning of the 21st century starting first with the drug trade, and subsequently exploring the evaporation of the middle class, the inherent bureaucracy of local government, the complete failure of the educational system and finally why the media is no longer in a position to expose all these limitations.
The narrative and the characters are complex
Lots of writers who got paid to watch TV called the show “Dickensian in scope”, something that annoyed Simon so much that he used it as an example of the sort of drivel that Editors use at flailing newspapers in season 5. What the meant is that he managed to avoid following a strict linear narrative. Dominic West was ostensibly the star of the show but he spent the entirety of season 3 showing up every other episode, smirking, and then drifting back into the background. This is because the city (its street corners, funeral homes, projects, police precincts, city hall) was the star with several characters going into and out of focus at any given time.
They also never give you an upper hand over anyone in the show. You learn things as they do. You also have to pay attention. Police Chief Bunny Colvin shows up for 3 minutes in season 2, quietly observes a situation and decides then and there what his only course of action is; as witnessed by his Hamsterdam experiment in Season 3.
People love Omar Little – the Robin Hood of the ‘hood. They fear Marlo Stansfield. They inexplicably want Bunny to succeed and mostly because you are willing to trade anything away for a cessation of the insanity.
It also manages to be quite funny.
It won’t make you feel good
There is no redemption for the system it’s a disaster. Some characters find individual redemption but its few and far between and even then their position is assumed by someone else from the cast ensure that their system stays broken and things stay hopeless.
Season 4 is essentially about the children raised on the streets of Baltimore and it is at times heartbreaking. Your investment in the “hoppers” – Namond, Michael, Dukie, and Randy will leave in pieces after you realize where Baltimore leaves most of them… You also get to meet Kinard – who turns out to be the most evil 5 year old ever.
A closing thought
This is a tough show to watch. No one stops to explain anything to you - its one long sprawling narrative that unfolds bit by bit. It was also the single vision of one creator - an auteur – just like filmmaking in the 70s. This is the conceit of television in the 00s. Prior to this decade TV shows were pretty consistent. The status quo could not be disrupted week to week so viewers could check in or out without much work. This is no longer the case. As technological advances drove a drop in prices (as VHS went to DVDs then On Demand to our eventual post net work future), the revenue opportunity for television series also changed because revenue could be made up in the secondary market. This allowed people to stretch on TV. I suppose it could have happened earlier with VHS but it didn’t for whatever reason. I mean really, who went out and bought MASH or even Friends on VHS? I don’t know many folks who did.
I am not sure which was the chicken or the egg here. Was it the burning platform (the 10 hour drama of the Sopranos, FX’s The Shield or ABC’s Alias) or the technology? The best answer is that they probably helped each other out – a virtuous circle with each element re-enforcing the other. Now telling a story (large or small) across a series was possible because any audience sacrificed week to week could be made up future consumption. The medium of that consumption continues to evolve and soon no one will consume DVDs and eventually we won’t even being paying for cable (the next inefficiency to fall and I can’t wait)
So this is the TV story of the 00s. The first few examples of this in the decade (JJ Abrams work on Alias and the guy from Sopranos) begat others like Lost and even Glee. But it reached it potential with The Wire - a brilliant show that is probably best consumed on DVD or on Demand as one long single narrative.
A Question That Needs To Be Asked
Evil
Seriously, people... can we start racial profiling already? Let's not have the TSA waste their time screening old white ladies in wheelchairs. I'd be willing to bet that they're 100% harmless. Let's focus our screening efforts on brown people. For example, the only brown Hoser is turdhurdler... and he's the most dangerous person I know! Q.E.D.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
A Prodigy In Douchiness
Evil
The NYT is featuring an article on 15-year-old ping pong prodigy Michael Landers. The article mentions that he's writing to sporting goods companies to try to get them involved in sponsoring his sport.
"As opposed to a 30-year-old guy, I'm so young that people might actually listen to me if I write in about Ping Pong," Landers said.
Wow! What amazing display of douchiness at such a tender age. This guy really IS a prodigy.
Hey, a-hole ping pong player... what exactly is wrong with 30 year olds? And you think that high flying marketers are more willing to listen to you just because you're "so young"? Naive little runt. Go along... practice your little ping pong thing and savor your youth while you have it.
Shocking Fact Of The Day
You know the insane little Asian guy who jumps out of the trunk naked in the movie The Hangover? That guy is a medical doctor!
Technological Advances
When we look back on this era, it will be hard to explain to our grandchildren just how fast technology was changing our lives. This decade really began to deliver on the promise of the massive internet technology investment bubble of the late 1990s, bringing connectivity to a place that would have seemed like science fiction in 1990. Below are 10 technological innovations born of the 00’s that have changed our daily lives (note that some of this technology existed in the 90s’, but reached critical market mass this decade).
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10. Flat screen TVs & monitors – In January 2000, nobody had a plasma or LCD TV. Today damn near everyone does. One could argue that these TVs didn’t change anything; they just replaced a slightly different version of the TV. But I would argue that they are changing our lives at least aesthetically. The TV as furniture is done. The hulking entertainment cabinet as the centerpiece of a home is a thing of the past. These fantastic TVs have also changed the viewing experience. A decade ago, a 37” TV was really, really big. Today it is the smallest model Costco carries.
9. GPS + mapping sites – There is just no reason to be lost anymore. Nobody uses atlases or maps. We print up directions before we go, or we pop in our destination in our ubiquitous GPS devices.
8. Digital cameras – Over the course of this decade, the price of taking a picture went from ~$1 (film + development), to zero. This declining cost has led to an explosion in photography. Every human event is thoroughly documented in a way that would have been unfathomable a short time ago, as noted in a recent Onion article. Interestingly, as the ability to take and share photos grows, the production of physical photos has fallen off a cliff. I have shoeboxes full of pictures from college and before, but only maybe a dozen physical photos from the last 7 years. Sure hope my hard drive holds up!
7. Wikipedia – Wikipedia started out as a joke, but man, they have really turned things around. I would argue that it is the single most useful site on the internet (search engines collectively are more important, but there are several of them, and only one Wikipedia). I wasn’t thinking of including it in this list until I realized that I had looked up every one of my entries in Wikipedia. It has killed the encyclopedia outright, and it has evil designs on research libraries. Here’s a fun wiki time killer, if you are interested.
6. Facebook – Email brought down the cost of keeping up with people you don’t see every day. A lot of us still have high school friends we would have lost touch with in an era of letter writing. But keeping up via email still has a cost. You need to compose a message, get the right email address, etc. Facebook dropped the cost of keeping tabs on people down to zero. Kids today will need to opt out of keeping up with their high school friends. The concept of whittling down one’s social circle as life progresses – a constant feature of civilization for the last 5,000 years – will cease to be.
5. TiVo – Remember trying to be home at a specific time to catch your favorite show? As recently as 2004, I was scheduling my graduate school classes so I could catch the 5pm Simpsons reruns. TiVo has made that a thing of the past. Good riddance!
4. Wireless internet – As the importance of the internet grew in the 1990’s, the usefulness of the laptop computer diminished. What’s the point of having a mobile computer if it had to be tethered to your network to be at all useful? Nowadays, we just assume every café, airport, hotel and strip club has wireless available. At the end of this decade, it’s the desktop computer that is looking more and more obsolete.
3. Home broadband connection – Remember that terrible shrieking sound your modem made when it connected to your ISP? Remember the per-minute charges? Can you believe that was just 8 years ago? Installing the capacity to bring broadband internet access into every home nearly took down the entire telecom industry, and it certainly bankrupted a number of its biggest names. But the result was worth it. Bringing the internet in all of its glory into every middle class home has really unlocked its potential, allowing everything else on this list to flourish.
2. Smart phones – Man, what can’t these things do? They have truly turned the 10-hour worker into the 24-hour worker, which is either a good thing or a bad thing depending on your perspective, but definitely a different thing. It has made escaping work harder and less tolerated, but it has also made escaping the physical office much, much easier, for which I love my Blackberry dearly. To grasp its importance, 25 minutes of downtime of a device that didn’t exist 10 years ago now makes the front page of the NYTimes.
1. The Segway - Do any of us even remember life before the Segway?
And now a few things that get a lot of talk, but did not warrant a top-10 placement on my list
Google – It’s a search engine. Yes, we use it every day, but before we used Google, we used Yahoo, and before we used Yahoo, we used Alta Vista. Whatever algorithmic advantages it may have over its competitors doesn’t mean much to the casual search engine user.
Ipod – I had a walkman that a rarely used. After that, I had a discman that I rarely used. Now I have an Ipod that I rarely use. The concept of carrying music around with you has been around for 25 years. Yes, the Ipod made it easier to carry much, much more music, but there is a very finite amount of music one can actually consume on the go. The Ipod changed nothing and doesn’t deserve a spot here.
DVDs – No consumer product has ever taken off as quickly as the DVD player. But I am not sure it changed our lives very much. I use DVDs exactly as I used VHS tapes – to watch movies and occasionally to use as a coaster.
Net Flix – This almost made the list. It has singlehandedly made the phrase “going to the video store” as obsolete as “going to the soda fountain.” Let's call it #11.
Pop Culture Images of the Decade
Now this one is a bit of a political image of the decade, but let's face it, this had crossover appeal. Even people who didn't give a flip about politics enjoyed watching Howard Dean implode in Iowa on that brisk January evening in 2004.
Things I don't want this man doing:
1) Responding to emergencies
2) Responding to requests
3) Responding to enemies
4) Responding to supporters
5 - Infiniti) Anything that is more than trivial
Of course, he's now in charge of the party that largely supported him before this epic meltdown.
Manuary Beard Update
Evil
Why do I even bother trying to grow a Manuary beard? It's day four of my beard growth and it looks like the beard has stopped growing. I've encountered this in the past. After a few days, the beard makes no progress. It just looks sparse and a bit sickly. I have to go to two meetings tomorrow. I might have to shave beforehand because I feel like a tool leaving the apartment with this half-beard on my face.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Exposé!!!
Evil
The Hose is constantly trying to improve and expand our operations. One of our 2009 projects has been to build up our investigative journalism department... we call it TMHoZ.
As the first TMHoZ exclusive, we've gotten hold of various Hosers' letters to Santa and the results. Here goes...
XTIAN wrote:
Dear Santa, I was a good boy this year. For Christmas this year, I would love if you could bring me: Enzyte, Viagra, and any Pete Yorn CD. He's just so dreamy. --XTIAN
What XTIAN got from Santa: Lump of coal.
KillerB wrote:
Dear Santa, I was a high-flying good boy this year. For Christmas, I want more than anything else: Enzyte, Viagra, and Avacor. --KILLERB
What KillerB got from Santa: Lump of coal.
Sparks wrote:
Dear Santa, I've calculated that the probability of your existing is less than 0.1%, but I shall write you nonetheless. If you indeed exist, please bring me the following for Christmas: Enzyte, Rogaine, and a LZR Racer suit.
What Sparks got from Santa: Lump of coal.
Manolo wrote:
Hey Santa, Manolo very good. Manolo want presents. Please give Manolo: Enzyte, Avacor, and Extreme Weight Loss Pills.
What Manolo got from Santa: Enzyte, Avacor, and Extreme Weight Loss Pills.
Wow, looks like Manolo was the only good boy this year. Manolo, hope you enjoy your gifts from Santa!
Useless Photo Of The Day
Evil
This is the temp roommate and me, making our "serious" faces. Also, note my 3 days worth of facial hair growth. I'm getting an early jump on Manuary this year.
Rome
A while back, I asked you Hosers for TV series recommendations. Many of you strongly suggested that I go watch Rome, the 2-season series from HBO. Well, I finally found the DVD set this past Friday. I started watching on Saturday and by Sunday night, I had finished all 10 DVDs! I wish I could have savored it and watched it over a longer period of time, but man, it was too good. I just couldn't stop watching! Thanks to all you Hosers for the recommendation.
My one minor gripe with the series is that the big fat f*ck of a newsreader is soooo annoying. Why does he have to read the news with such a douchy attitude? Why does he have to make those ridiculous hand gestures when he's reading the news? And how does he get so freakin' fat? Wasn't there a major grain shortage during Season 2? How does the newsreader explain to the citizens of Rome why he still weighs 550 pounds?
Lookey-Likey - Rome Edition, Volume 4
If Chris Parnell (of SNL and 30 Rock fame) were an evil thug, he'd totally be Erastes Fulmen (played by Lorcan Cranitch).
Lookey-Likey - Rome Edition, Volume 3
George Clooney and the affable Roman solider Titus Pullo (played by Ray Stevenson).
Lookey-Likey - Rome Edition, Volume 2
It was hard to take Mark Antony (as played by James Purefoy) seriously because I just kept imagining Ferris Bueller.
"We need to send four legions to the East to bolster Octavian's forces. Who shall lead them?"
"Bueller? Bueller?"
He even has the same voice as Bueller!
Lookey-Likey - Rome Edition, Volume 1
Staunch and ever-loyal Roman solider Lucius Vorenus (played by Kevin McKidd) and Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin... but which is which?!?!
Sunday, December 27, 2009
The OOs: TV Shows We Liked to Watch: #6-2
So, I got backed up on this and was struggling to catch up. I think there is more potential for debate and discussion if blow through 6-2. By Tuesday, I will put up what I think #1 is.
There are some notable exceptions that I want to proactively mention:
I am declaring Survivor a creature of the 90s
I hate everything to do with forensic science
Rome went for only 2 seasons and the second season was undone by budget pressures that made them skip through about 10 years of their story
So none of the make the cut, though there are strong arguments for all.
Having said all that, I still had 7 to go and only 6 slots, so I am going to have a tie for 6th.
So without further ado,
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6A. Top Chef
Our first Reality Show Entry! Let’s admit the following as a group: Bravo is primarily geared towards gays. I just needed to get that out of the way. This show is also super surprising. I think a lot of other reality shows tried to manufacture drama - Survivor through their ‘coalitions’ and what not, The Real World with their booze, the bachelor and the . Top Chef is a little different. They really rely on the nutty diva personalities, much like a chef who relies on the natural qualities of his ingredients. Who knew that cooking could be so competitive.
6A. Mad Men
Mad Men is great for several reasons. First, it works very hard to put us in a different time and place. Second, it has complex characterizations. Lastly, it refuses to indulge its audiences with quick resolutions. I have had conversations with people who argue that somehow, even though its a highly serialized drama they never disrupt the status quo. I am not sure it could be more wrong. As near as I can see, all the characters are exactly where they are as a direct result of the decisions they have been making. We all have to respect that.
5.Arrested Development
I suspect many shows are too smart for their own good. I think Arrested Development is one of these shows. Prior to writing this I went and looked up the definitions of surrealism and absurdist humor to see if those were phrases I should use to describe this show. They aren't and that's too bad because there should be a word, a phrase, a style to describe what Arrested Development was all about. I mean why was the camera shaky? As if they were taping a reality show? Why did that one episode have a "live episode" ending, even though it was not taped live? Why is GOB so motherF***ing hilarious? What exactly was Charlize Theron doing in those last few episodes?
This show raised more questions then it ever answered. But that's ok. I just knew I was in a good place if GOB was on camera and I knew I hated Buster. Can you really hate a show that brought us Michael Cera? Or the show that will springboard Maybe's eventual Cinemax career? Of course not. It was awesome.
4. 30 Rock
This show makes the list because I am sexually attracted to Tina Fey. I think she's HOT. In an earlier draft of this post, I went on at length about how attractive her scar looked when she did "Weekend Update" and how that scar makes me think of sex. I took this out for obvious reasons.
Tina Fey is hot because she is really funny and this show is really funny and post coital joking is awesome. Also I find Tracy Morgan hilarious.
3. Lost
Lost is the most successful, completely inaccessible sci-fi TV show ever. It is also the most successful piece of serialized television ever. It is also the most character driven drama of the last decade. Their ability to balance all these elements enabled this show to dominate the zeitgeist for 2-3 years in the middle of the decade. It also makes it nearly impossible to jump in on now and makes every new episode worthy of substantial, if unfulfilling discussion. Regardless, I can’t not watch this show. I am completely convinced that this show has not won a new viewer over since the middle of season 1. I am terribly worried that with 18 hours left, people will not get every question answered and that will somehow undermine its legacy. There will never be another Lost. We should all be sad about that.
2. American Idol
Everyone watches this show. It turns people like the chick in clip below into super duper stars. It's a huge deal week in, week out. The dynamic between the judges is awesome and it was a juggernaut for most of the decade. So its #2, not #1.
Things That Make You Say GOOD GRAVY!
Evil
NBC Sports has posted a very good gallery of "Decade's Most Infamous Sports Moments." Nothing like a walk-through of other people's downfalls to make a sad, lonely drunk like me feel better about myself. I was familiar with most of the incidents in this compilation, but a couple were totally new to me and I could not help but say "Good Gravy!" as I read them.
#29 of 37: "In March of 2008, Formula One racing chief Max Mosley appeared with five prostitutes in a Nazi-themed sex video." Wow, this guy is checking off many boxes all at once. Good Gravy!
#30 of 37: "Immediately following the defeat of the Blues in the 2004 Stanley Cup Playoffs, St. Louis center Mike Danton was arrested on the charge of conspiracy to commit murder. According to the charges, Danton had attempted to outsource the murder of his agent, David Frost, to an undercover police officer posing as a hit man." At least I have to give this guy kudos for standing up to his agent. They're such blood-sucking fiends, those agents. Good Gravy!
One item conspicuous by its absence... Steve McNair and his crazy girlfriend's murder-suicide. What, that couldn't crack the top 37? Good Gravy!
Friday, December 25, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
The OOs: TV Shows We Liked to Watch: #7 True Blood
It is important to note that I have been consistently gay for vampires for most of my life, whereas the country as a whole goes through a pretty cyclical love affair. The end of the decade was the latest resurrection of America’s love affair with the bloodsucker.
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True blood is quite different from most other incarnations. For instance, instead of taking place somewhere more cosmopolitan it takes place in rural Louisiana. The world is very much like the setting for other vampire stories – similar to our own, but with a twist. Instead of vampires existing in hiding, they are an acknowledged if not quite accepted fact of life. True Blood is also totally gross on several levels. Humans take vampire blood (V) like it’s a drug and “fangbangers” love sexing vampires, pretty wild. Of course, it’s not only about vampires. The protagonist, Sookie, is a normal human (except she can read thoughts) and her boss is a were-person and the fry cook is a gay. Their problems though (stilted out of time dialogue aside), are terribly human. We are only two seasons in, but Alan Ball has already turned these goofy novels into totally must watch TV.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Evil's 2009 Year In Review - Wordle Edition
A Wordle created from every single Facebook status message I posted this year.
"DRAFT LE TROIS" campaign
Evil
Just saw this headline in the New York Times:
Yes, I'm thinking what you're thinking... we need to draft Le Trois to run for office!
I demand to be the campaign strategist because I called it first! Who can make a website? Who can raise funds? Who will manage the funds without siphoning off more than 50% on hookers, Viagra of Canadian origin and late night pizza delivery? Who can help re-brand and market this reluctant-but-patriotic man?
Hilarity Ensues...
Girl posts facebook status message inviting friends to her birthday party drinks at a bar called Happy Ending.
Friends weigh in with obligatory immature jokes about "happy ending."
Girl's 13 year old brother ("Jason") also comments... hilarity ensues!
(Now do you think he understands the joke in the previous comments? And do you think his comment was a joke too? I can't figure it out!)
The OOs: TV Shows We Liked to Watch: #8 Battlestar Galactica
I suspect none of the fastidious forty ever watched this show. Unlike Glee, I found it hard to evangelize this show. How would I do it – “yeah…it is a remake of that dippy sci-fi show starring Face (pre-A- Team) but its so much more…” does not really sell it. Neither does “So it’s like the last 5 years of human civilization”, nor does “really it is an on going meditation about the natural tension of social evolution and how that impacts society’s notion of faith as referenced in an evolution from polytheism to monotheism…but in space”. So it’s all those things and so much more…want to watch? Yeah, did not think so…
More...The pitch for this show is simple enough. The last few thousand human beings in the universe are stuck on an increasingly decrepit space ship looking for a new home. They are being terrorized by their “children” - hot human looking robots – because the humans refuse denounce polytheism and embrace the love of the one true monotheistic God that the robots worship (or something). I am not even remotely kidding. Over its 5 seasons the show moves in all sorts of disturbing ways as humans become increasingly desperate. It is pretty tough to watch and the highs never quite match the lows. Watch people debate hot robots about faith and destiny. Try to figure out just how completely insane Dr. Baltar is as he argues with his super ego (in the guise of the hottest looking robot ever). This show is also the logical extreme of serialized inaccessible lunacy that television networks explored in the 00s to drive up DVD sales. More than anything, this show is one story…clearly I am biased.
Pop Culture Images of the Decade
Ah, yes Larry Birkhead, you are a winner.
No fewer than 5 men claimed to be the father of little Dannielyn, daughter of Anna Nicole Smith, and you came out on top. Congrats. You must rea$$y, rea$$y, rea$$y love that child.
Here we see your quiet dignity in the months following the death of your daughter's mother.
Evil Loses Again
Evil
First the Well-Profiled Friend comes off the market. Now I get word that Carrie Underwood is engaged... to some major goon! Look at that guy's jaw! Holy smokes. How many generations of inbreeding have his family been through? If you look at his family tree, I bet it's shaped like a ladder. Although he's not all bad... I hear he traces his heritage back to royalty, the Hapsburgs of Austria.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Crowdsourcing New Years Resolutions
Evil
Dear Hose Community,
I've been told that I need to improve myself. Honestly, I don't see it. But nevertheless, I'll go with it. Please tell me which areas I should improve, in the form of New Years Resolutions. Put your suggestions in the comments section. No need to limit yourself to one! (Best suggestion will win a non-leaded prize from China.)
Thanks jagoffs,
Evil
D**che Sighting: Brett Favre
Jets fans do have something to cheer! Brett is falling apart, is arguing with coaches and refusing to be pulled from games! YAH! YAH! F you, Brett!
The OOs: TV Shows We Liked to Watch: #9 Gilmore Girls
This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Pop Culture Images of the Decade
Take note, fellas. This is what love looks like.
If you love your wife (beard), and want the world to know it, you need to act irrationally, in public, on tv, just like Tom Cruise did.
This. Is. Love.
Now Only Peyton Is Perfect
Wow! DeMarcus Ware makes Drew Brees his bitch.
Not that I'm a Cowboys supporter by any means, but I'm glad they beat the Saints. The Saints and especially Drew Brees always seemed like a bit of a fraud to me. Also, Drew Brees sports a Hulk Hogan hair style. Cmon, dude.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Revelations While Sleeping
Evil
Sometimes I fantasize that I will one day rise to power and rule the entire world, if not the entire universe. Sometimes I walk through the details of this empire in my head. I will have a small circle of trusted advisors and one of them will certainly be a cat, specifically, my temp roommate. I will give the the temp roommate an important role in the inner circle, like Chief Diplomat or Head of Technology. But after what happened last night, I'm afraid that the temp roommate has ruled himself out for the role of Chief Strategic Military Planner.
It's been getting quite cold here in Shanghai and these Chinese buildings have virtually no insulation at all. It gets very cold at night unless the heat is on. So recently, I've started letting the temp roommate sleep in my bedroom since that's the only room where i turn on the heat at night. He usually sleeps in his little kitty bed at the foot of my bed. But occasionally, he jumps into my bed for some reason, as he did last night.
But last night, he did a weird thing. Instead of sleeping on the corner of my bed as he is wont to do, he started burrowing underneath my comforter. This burrowing woke me up from a deep sleep induced by three or four vodka tonics consumed alone between the hours of 10pm and midnight. I was sleeping in the fetal position and I felt the temp roommate snuggling up against my butt. Fearing future repercussions of such inappropriate bedroom behavior, I sat up, grabbed the temp roommate, and tossed him off the bed. Sometime later in the evening, I felt the familiar burrowing underneath the comforter. Burrowing, burrowing, burrowing. Again, the temp roommate was at my butt. But this time, instead of being content to snuggle up to my bottom, he kept burrowing his nose into my ass.
Then it struck me. I can never let the temp roommate be my Chief Strategic Military Planner. He'd get himself killed and bring down my entire military with him. What was he thinking burrowing his nose into my butt? Doesn't he know that all I'd need to do is lay down the boom and he'd be wiped out? I considered it, but decided to hold back, mostly because I wasn't sure if my weaponry was in gaseous state or solid/semi-liquid state. Better not risk it. I tossed him off the bed again and quietly sobbed myself back into a deep slumber.
Weather... or Large Member?
Evil
Is it snowing in the Northeast? I've been seeing messages like, "Wow, 9 inches!" and "9 to 12 inches... can't wait!" in my Facebook status message feed. Please confirm if a snowstorm is approaching... of if John Holmes is on the loose.
Evil
This baby was born without a brain and has survived a full year. It's being hailed as a Christmas miracle. I say, BAH-HUMBUG!
So what, this kid is a year old? Our very own Manolo has survived a full 38 years without a brain. And look at what a full life he's led. I say we give Manolo his due! Yay for Manolo!
Friday, December 18, 2009
Greatest Interview Ever? Maybe...
You might have caught my new besties on Leno or Jimmy Kimmel or George Lopez (he's bringing the party back to late night...have you heard? no? Me neither) but the only appearance that was awesome was their proper interview with Conan.
It got me thinking - isn't it time to thin the herd a bit. I know NBC has Leno on at a 10 because its cheaper than scripted TV or a reality show, but can he just go away? I mean seriously. If they are that worried about cost, they could just QVC us for an hour...oh who cares, I don't watch any of this crap anyway. I am just copying gawker posts for your amusement.
The OOs: TV Shows We Liked to Watch: #10
Following the same drill as before, I decided to highlight some of the shows that I thought were important in the last ten years. Same rules as before, but I liked Killer B #1's style so much I am going to do them one post at a time but with a twist. I am actually doing this countdown style. So I have 10 to get to, and sometime around December 31st I will unveil what I thought was the show of the decade
So without further ado...
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The Chappelle Show: No show soared higher or flamed out more quickly. White kids everywhere started declaring themselves Rick James, even though most had no idea who Rick James was. People were talking about it everywhere and almost entirely by accident in a way that no one ever talked about Half Baked, even though I always argued we should.
Everyone knows how this story ended. Dave had an incredibly successful second season and then was offered $50MM to do several additional seasons. An offer he accepted then ran away from as he became less comfortable with the show and the pressures of fame and fortune.
Of course, the weirdest thing about all this, was how aware Chappelle was of his undoing as seen is this clip below...Chappelle's Show Dave Has $55 Million Buy Chappelle's Show DVDs Black Comedy True Hollywood Story
Pop Culture Images of the Decade
Oh Man. Who can forget this crazy lady, with her crazy eyes? Is she the craziest looking person ever?
So why was everyone so surprised when the "Runaway Bride" Jennifer Wilbanks disappeared in 2005? As you'll recall, she went out for a jog in her ritzy Atlanta neighborhood and disappeared.
I'm not certain, but I think this was kinda the kickoff to the news media's "missing white girl" fetish. Or maybe it was Chandra Levy? But that was more of a political thriller.
Anyway, Wilcox hadn't been abducted and taken to Albuquerque by a Hispanic man as she claimed. She had just gone nuts.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Amazing Photo!
Evil
If you want to see a photo if a croc biting off a person's arm, click here. (Warning: graphic image! Don't click if squeamish.) Amazingly, the arm was reattached. I find that hard to believe.
Pop Culture Images of the Decade
Ah - now this one is classic. Most of you will remember this as the famous Superbowl "wardrobe malfunction". Parents were outraged. JT was embarrassed. Janet Jackson was momentarily famous again. And, Evil came within an inch of seeing his first real boob ever.
It's All Xtian's Fault
Evil
And now, scientific proof that XTIAN and his "geeky" ways scared off all the chicks while we were at university. Damn you, XTIAN. You suck.
Pop Culture Images of the Decade
Ah - Adorable Prince Harry, he's so cute and innocent..... WTF!!!, is he dressed like a Nazi?
Oh, Harry, you royal douchebag. You've lived such a sheltered life you really don't know what offends people. Some day you will grow up and make Grandpa Philip seem seem positively charming and compassionate by comparison.
The Evolution of Tiger Woods
Evil
First, he was a talented but petulant golfing great. Winning tournaments seemingly without trying but also dropping F-bombs to any photographer within 50 yards of him who dare snap a photo during his swing.
Then he was a shut-off, arrogant a-hole. After all that winning, Tiger didn't find it in his heart to give back to either the press or his adoring public. By "give back," I am not talking about material items. I'm talking about simply opening up to the press and sharing ANY genuine thoughts at all with his fans. Have you ever heard Tiger say anything interesting in a press conference? Never. He only gives generic, closed-off answers.
Then the car crash happened, followed by a rash of Clinton-era "bimbo eruptions." YIKES! Tiger suddenly became a wife-disrespecting philandering douche bag.
So what next? Where does Tiger go now? Apparently, the answer is... CRYBABY.
After rumors of Tiger taking HGH, he sent his agent to plead to a newspaper about to break the story:
"I would really ask that you guys don't write this? If Tiger is NOT implicated, and won't be, let's please give the kid a break."
First of all, Tiger... when a kid in the school yard punches you in the nose, do you run to mommy and/or your agent? Dick.
And what's with his agent saying "give the kid a break." Is he a kid anymore? And does a $1 Billion dollar worldwide athlete who's banged at least a dozen bimbos behind his wife's back deserve a break? I'm optimistic that this will be the end of Tiger for good. Don't need or want to see him ever again.
Go Phil! (Great golfer and a class act.)
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Helping The Homeless... What A Scam!
Evil
In the midst of our difficult economic times, I'm glad to see that justice and order are both slowly being restored. Here's today's example:
Court Orders United Homeless Organization to Remove Tables
The state attorney general, Andrew M. Cuomo, obtained a court injunction on Tuesday ordering the United Homeless Organization to immediately remove its sidewalk donation tables pending the outcome of a civil lawsuit Mr. Cuomo's office has filed against the group, which he has called an elaborate sham that does not help the needy.
Luckily, I never donated to this group (or any group, for that matter, except for my college and high school alma mater), so I don't feel ripped off. Nevertheless, I'm glad to hear that others won't be ripped off in the future. Use the money to donate to your university's billion-dollar endowments, people!
Pop Culture Images of the Decade
I think we can all remember where we were and what we were doing when we first saw this one...but let's not elaborate.
For those who want to pretend they don't know what this is because their strict parents and sheltered upbringing requires them to squash any suggestion of prurient tendencies, this is what Paris Hilton looks like while having sex in the dark, when shot with a military grade night vision camera. In case you were wondering.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Shocking Fact Of The Day
Evil
In an otherwise grim report about service cuts in NYC public transportation, I learned this shocking fact:
"Handicapped riders who are now picked up at home and driven to destinations throughout the city would no longer be able to use the so-called door-to-door service under the plan. Instead, the authority would transport disabled riders to handicapped-accessible subway and bus stops, which is the minimum service required by federal law."
What the F have we been doing all this time?! Picking people up from their house and driving them to their destinations? That's not public transportation! It's private transportation!!! I am outraged that my taxpayer dollars have been used in this manner. Thank goodness for budget cuts so that we can now get back to a saner system.
Watch It, Obama
Evil
Oh no he di'int!!! Obama lashes out a "fat cat bankers"?! This anti-feline bias is unbecoming for our first post-racial president. If you start a war with the felines, you better be prepared to end it. Also be prepared for Bo to be a casualty of this war. I don't think you're ready for the consequences.
Pop Culture Images of the Decade
Michael Jackson made headlines twice this decade - this was the first time.
Worst Olympics Ever!
Evil
It's not good news for an Olympic host city when news outlets start publishing headlines like: "Rio's Olympic Task: Fighting Crime."
Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy
This is going to be the WORST OLYMPICS EVER!!! I don't fault Rio, though. It's not their fault they have such chaos on their streets. I blame the insufferable Europeans on the Olympic committee who did this just to give the USA a big ol' F-YOU.On a related note, you should watch this video if for no other reason than because Erin Burnett is in it! Although what are the NBC bigwigs thinking, sending her on location in Rio?!? Erin is your cash cow, fools! She could have easily taken some shrapnel in the face... and then what?
Also, this video features a rare view of Erin Burnett in casual clothes, full body shot. Surprising revelation: her hips are growing out of control!!! Now, some people like the big hip / big ass look (I am partial to it myself), but I cannot imagine that a white girl like Erin Burnett is pleased with the rapid expansion of her lower half.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Pop Culture Images of the Decade
Introducing my contribution the The Hose's Decadendingpalooza - memorable pop moments caught on film.
Today I bring you Fonzworth Bentley, P-Diddy's personal valet, making an even bigger than usual jackass of himself, holding an umbrella over his client's head as they stroll back to Diddy's yacht, anchored off the coast of Dipshitolia.
Where Are They Now? - Family Ties Edition
Remember that cute little Brian Bonsall from Family Ties? OMG, look at him now!!! I've never been so scared of a white man before.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Music that Mattered to KillerB
I think X-tian did an impressive and concise walk down his memory lane with the music of the aughts.
Rather than trying to think about artists - I'm going to think about places - specifically, places I lived, and what I remember about the music I was listening to. Just as the Counting Crows and Snoop Dogg will forever be associated with my freshman dormroom, many artist of the 00's will always remind me of places.
More...
Place: Nashville - my first solo apartment at 2108 Hayes Street, right next to the legendary Exit-Inn. My 00's began in October 1999 when I saw Ryan Adams play a solo gig there. Then, when Heartbreaker was released in September 2000, the decade was on! When Gold was released 1 year later, New York, New York was a Friday night anthem of sorts. I remember coming home from a Super-T show one night, New York, New York blaring, car full of the happiest people ever. Super-T was also a big part of my Nashville years. Aging gym teacher by day - Superman costumed soul/funk/punk explosion by night.
In 2002 I moved to New Haven CT. When I wasn't watching the Paris Hilton sex tape I spent a lot of my time pulling White Stripes songs off of Napster. Seven Nation Army still gets me amped up. Then, in 2003 I went to the Austin City Music Festival. Kings of Leon weren't anybody yet - as evidenced by their Friday morning, 11Am slot on a side stage. They admitted not being awake yet - and then went apeshit berzerk for 45 minutes. I would wager that of the ~200 people there to see it, ~199 haven't seen anything like it since.
Johnny Cash had died a few days earlier. Roseanne Cash was supposed to play ACL, so instead the Drive-By-Truckers hosted a Johnny Cash tribute during her slot. For me, their 2003 Decoration Day was one of the best song-by-song albums of the decade. To kick off the tribute, they played video for Hurt, which is one of the most remarkable videos ever aired.
At that same festival, Conor Oberst fronted Bright Eyes played a respectible set from "Lifted or the Story is in the Soil, Keep your Ear to the Ground", but it was their 2005 "I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning" that was their best contribution to the decade. I still put this CD on when I cook on Sunday nights. Too bad they diluted it with the simultaneously released "Digital Ash for a Digital Urn".
KillerB2 and I went to the Newport Folk Festival in 2005 and saw Conor Oberst play a really cool set with M Ward, who has also had some great contributions in the second half of the decade, both as a solo artist, as the Him to Zooey Deschanel's She, and in the Monsters of Folk with Oberst and Jim James (Yim Yames).
Lastly, I'll throw in someone I've been listening to for the last month - Somali born K'naan. He did a killer Tiny Desk Concert on NPR's all songs considered:
I kinda lost track of my "places" theme - but I'm not going to re-write this. I'm sloppy.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Evil Gets His Feelings Hurt
Evil
The place where I usually go to for massages is quite good. The place is clean, the prices are reasonable, and most importantly, it's the closest massage place relative to my apartment. So for someone as lazy as me, there really isn't any other choice.
But the place has this little quirk. I think they have an unwritten rule that the more skilled a massage therapist is, the more they are allowed to insult the customers. I've been there dozens of times and have encountered four different massage therapists who I consider to be really excellent. All four have insulted me!!! The rest are mostly decent and none of them have insulted me. I've encountered a few that were not very good at giving massages (weak hands), but they were the nicest, sweetest girls. I think there is some kind of inverse law going on here.
I went for a massage yesterday afternoon. Got a girl with strong hands and excellent technique. Needless to say, she was ruthless with her insults. Here are some highlights... err, lowlights:
- "You're the kind of person who works out very little but gets massages very often, arent you? I can feel it in your muscles."
- "You look like you're in shape, but your muscles are very soft. The truth is hard to listen to, isnt it?"
- "Oh my god, you're so pale. Dont you ever go out into the sunlight?"
- "You know, giving you a massage gives me enjoyment as well." ("Why?" I ask) "Because your muscles are so soft. It's relaxing on my hands."
Booo! Evil's feelings hurt.
The 00s: Music that Mattered to xTian
Coming up with a top 10 list was actually really hard. So I did not do that, instead I did this. I thought about some key musical acts that I felt represented the decade thematically (either in terms of their success over the decade or a music trend that they somehow started or ended) and jotted down thoughts around key songs that propelled them into the zeitgeist
Arrogant? Yes
Well Conceived? No
Well Executed? eh
...do your worst!
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Crazy In Love: Beyonce (with Jay-Z) - No one could avoid this song (thankfully I was out of the country for most of its dominance). Jay Z decided Beyonce was the hot one in Destiny's Child and a nation agreed to avoid mocking her unattractive legs even when she refused to hide them. If Beyonce were Michael Jordan this would be her 63 pt game in the playoffs against Bird and the Celtics.
Such Great Heights: Postal Service - Ben Gibbard takes a break from wallowing in self pity to wallow in some self pity with keyboards. Manic Depressives, sexually abused emo-punks, tech heads and Nintendo aficionados unite under one banner(!) and pave the way for the Howard Dean campaign and Radiohead's return to Ok, Computer levels of greatness. Finally, it re-energized everyone's love for synthesizers, a subversive touch that quietly snaked it way back into our collective consciousness and exploded like Aphrodite out of the water with the emergence of MGMT and other like minded acts.
New Slang: The Shins - Nerds and frat boys come together to discuss the isolation brought on by teenage binge drinking...and totally miss the point of this song. The band goes on an aggressive multi-album initiative to alienate all their mainstream fans and re-embrace their core fans - repressed lesbians, child abuse victims and kids who got stuffed in lockers in high school...
Last Night: The Strokes - A couple of rich kids with a lot of hair decide that goofing on lo-fi punk recordings from the mid 70s would be better than getting real jobs. Most of Europe (and xTian) gets sucked in. The growing trend of old things suddenly being really hip and the irony intrinsic to hipsterism are brought to the forefront of our cultural consciousness in a way that only Dov Charney could have ever imagined. Of course in Dov's dreams there are more half naked teens...
Banquet: Bloc Party/Evil: Interpol - Once the Strokes exhaust the 70s lo-fi vibe everyone from London to Brooklyn agrees to release re-interpretations of every Depeche Mode albums from 1980-1986. This all came to a crashing halt with the Bravery and everyone just wished these guys would all get on a bus and fall off the back of a steam ship.
Seven Nation Army: The White Stripes - A guy and girl decide to flummox America by creating confusion around whether they are married or siblings - distracting everyone from the real question - what are these white kids doing in Detroit? xTian sits in the Berkeley Greek Theater and wonders how two people can produce such amazing music...I also think they took the drum and bass movement to its logical conclusion. I spent most of the late 90s hearing people ruin everything with some really "great" drum and bass. They actually did it well, and all these other jokers got embarrassed and became bankers or something. You know, so they could go ruin something else. Go f*ck yourselves drum & bass/banker douches...
Where Is The Love: Black Eyed Peas - BEP, a somewhat underground break dancing crew with occasional rap albums in late 90s, unleash their master plan for world domination - Step 1 - kidnap a recovering meth addict with lovely lady lumps Step 2. Force her to sing hooks on the most banal childish songs conceivable Step 3. Become the biggest "band" in the world even though no one plays an instrument and only two people seem to "sing". Step 4. Actively support their puppet in his bid to become leader of the free world. Step 5. Rule the world with an iron (though lyrically banal) fist...You think you're sooo smart will.i.am but I see your game. Go bend a spoon, you Matrix watching motherf*cker.
Hey Ya: Outkast/The Seed 2.0: The Roots featuring Cody Chestnutt - Before they became Jimmy Fallon's band The Legendary Roots Crew toured the country 3-4 times a year bringing the most amazing hip hop party/jam session to every town they visited - proselytizing the notion that there was actually music to hip hop and making it more palatable to a broader audience. Their efforts made the Jay Z Unplugged album possible/marvelous and pushed HOV to a new level of cross over appeal. It also laid the ground work for the neo soul movement and could be considered the proud uncle of what became backpack hip-hop movement. This where Outkast came and took the backpack pack hip hop movement out of the very specific Buppie element and broadened it by introducing a level of showmanship that had heretofore not been seen. Now, white kids can love a Talib Kweli record without having to assume the self loathing that is implicit in half of Eminem's songs...This has since been taken to its logical conclusion by Kanye West...
Brighter Discontent: The Submarines - You all know Submarine songs. You do. They license their music to every product you have ever imagined and are perfectly happy to promote their songs through any TV show that will have them. You've heard them on Grey's Anatomy, Gossip Girl, Nip/Tuck and potentially my forthcoming web series about two young boys trying to get girls to come to their poorly advertised rainbow party. Everyone uses TV shows and commercials to market their product, but The Submarines are the most pervasive. Apropos of nothing I will mention that the female lead, Blake Hazzard, is actually F. Scott Fitzgerald's granddaughter. She is also totally lovely. ET #1 and I went to their concert last year and watched her finish her set and get behind the booth and start hocking CDs and t-shirts the most upbeat disposition. All reasons to love her.
Since You Been Gone: Kelly Clarkson - Kelly Clarkson is totally different than most other pop singers. Despite being the first product off the American Idol assembly line she feels completely genuine. This is true for several reasons - her construction (on American Idol) was completely transparent most of America can draw a line from what we started to her SYBG roscker girl act and no attempt to tart her up has been even remotely successful. She is exactly who she is - a little fat, overly perky, decidedly unsexy, and unwilling to be a cypher (as proved by her song writing which at times has proven to be career limiting; proof point - most of us were completely unaware of her third album). I am shocked she is still famous. It's all kind of amazing...and her continued commercial viability is the standard that future basket job victims like Adam Lambert have to live up too...
Almost Crimes: Broken Social Scene - The idea of a rock super group is fairly old so rather than pursue that, Toronto's BSS evolved as a rather meticulously conceived and hastily implemented jumble of rock noise - a concept perfected later by Montreal's Arcade Fire. Disappointingly, this rumble of musical enclaves failed to exacerbate Anglo/Franco tensions to a fever pitch we are all demanding. In my head, I envision a snowy bar in middle 2006 and one scarf wearing Quebecer getting into a heated exchange/debate with some Toronto hipster that yielded no punches and several "ehs". 10 minutes in, the entire conflict would dissolve - they would then agree to disagree, toast with Molsens and agree that each band is popular thanks to their hard work and earnest presentation. Dull story, just like every other story that takes place in Canada. Still their influence is plain. The biggest benefactor from BSS was contributor Leslie Feist. She found great success in the later part of the decade and managed to include her old friends whenever she could.
Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa: Vampire Weekend - I think there is something to the idea of incorporating world music elements (like soukous) into modern rock. Beirut did this with less success (and much less aplomb) earlier in the decade...I am excited for where this trend will end up
I will think about TV sometime next week and post those comments as well...
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