Daymares - Volume 5

Today's Daymare is a Daymare that happens at night. Crazy, right? What makes it a Daymare is that it happens while I am awake, but it's too late to rename this feature Awakemares.

Before I go to bed at night, I pour a glass of water and put it on my nightstand - right on top of all of the books I've started and never finished (that Lincoln book is like 19,000 pages).

Then I go to sleep.

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But, I tend to wake up a few times every night. (If you are one of those jerks who claims they sleep straight through the night no problem, keep your comments to yourself. I hate you. I don't do that.) I wake up a few times, do some pillow flipping, maybe roll over, and have a drink of water. It's dark of course, but I've gotten pretty good at reaching out and grabbing the cup - haven't spilled it once since moving to our current place 3 years ago. Anyway, this is where my Daymare starts.

The last thing that always goes through my mind as I put the glass to my lips is "I hope there isn't a bug in here". I guess I have a sense that bugs gravitate towards water - and if they got in my cup they probably wouldn't be able to get out. So I always take a little sip first to see if anything solid hits my lips. Once I've confirmed it's bug free, I take a few more sips and go back to sleep.

I haven't had a bug yet, but if I ever do, that will be the worst night of my life.

Daymares Volume 4

Many Hosers may not know that I spent my early childhood living in Oklahoma. O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoma, O-K!!!! I lived there from the time I was 2 until I was in the 2nd grade (however old that is). As a kid I really liked it. The dirt is red in Oklahoma, and we had a lot of it, so when you went out and played for a whole day, you could home looking like a real mess. I had a huffy bike. I played t-ball. I learned to look both ways before crossing the street. It was great. But it was in Oklahoma where one of my recurring daymares was born. Check it out after the jump.


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We had lots of critters where I grew up. Scorpions. Fire ants. Cute little things called Horned Frogs that always peed on you when you picked them up. And in the 8-legged realm, tarantulas and black widows.

Tarantulas were okay because they were big enough you could see then from pretty far away. Only occasionally would one catch you by surprise (usually when climbing over fences or on trees). And I don't think these tarantulas were poisonous because I don't remember my parents ever freaking out about them. Black widows, on the otherhand, were made by God to kill small children. To do this, they would hide in your shoes, and then they would bite you. That is how kids in Oklahoma died. So, as a child, it was always a rule that we had to shake our shoes out before we put them on. Pound your shoe on the groud, turn it upside down, and wait for the killer spiders to leave before you put it on. You knew they were killer spiders because they have an hourglass on their back (but it doesn't really look like an hourglass in my opinion). That is how I made it out alive.

And now this is my daymare in 2009 - that I will get bit by a spider hiding in my shoe. I don't always look inside my shoes, but if I'm putting on a pair I haven't worn in a few days, you bet I do. That's what happened this morning - I was going out to get a coffee and I reached for a pair of Puma's I haven't worn in a month or so. So, I smacked them heel down on the floor a couple of times, lifted up the tongues, looked inside and WAIT FOR IT......... No spiders. Whew! KillerB1 lives to see another day.

Daymares Volume 3

One of the great things about living in a big city is it gives you plenty of things to think about and consider as you walk down the street. There are people everywhere, so your eye is constantly drawn here and there. Well, when I walk down the street, I often end up imagining a purse-snatching happening right in front of me. I'm not sure why I have this association with NYC, but I do. I've never seen it happen - in fact I don't think I've ever seen a crime committed, but I nonetheless have the expectation that some day, right in front of me, some thug is going to knock a woman to the ground and run away with her purse. The fun starts after the jump....

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And when I imagine this, I also always imagine that he is running towards me. But because he is running from the scene, he is looking over his shoulder - looking back to see if anyone is after him. Which creates the perfect situation for: the clothesline.

I think the clothesline is probably the most perfect form of violence one person can commit against another. Hitting or kicking someone is easy. Clotheslining someone is on a whole different level. The opportunity doesn't come along very often though. It's a rare combination of circumstances that must occur in order for it to be done perfectly. First, you need someone running full speed right past you. Second, that person needs to be not paying attention (otherwise they might duck or fight back). Third, you need a reason to clothesline a person. Someone just being in a hurry doesn't cut it (Evil). All of this makes a purse-snatching in a busy city ideal.

Another thing I like about the clothesline is that has the potential to do immense damage to one person, with minimal damage to another. Yes, I might bruise my arm, but in return for that bruise I'm giving someone whiplash, and 2 impacts (my arm, and the ground). Plus there is embarrassment. If you got clotheslined on a crowded street, and then caught and apprehended, you would be soooooo embarrassed. Especially when it is me doing the clotheslining.

Anyway, in my Daymare, I always get the guy as he is rounding a corner, looking over his shoulder, and then BAM!!! my arm extends out, swinging forward slightly, and the punk ends up on his back, knocked out cold. I casually pick up the purse and walk it over to the poor woman (often old, but sometimes insanely hot). Then I walk back to the punk, and stand over him until a police officer shows up. The next day I am on the cover of the Post with a really clever headline, and then things go back to normal after a few days of media interviews.

Daymares Volume 2

Almost everyday I have a bowl of cereal for breakfast, and almost everyday I'm surprised when I don't find a mouse inside the cereal box. I've never found a mouse inside - I'm not sure I even know anyone who has - but that is nonetheless one of the first images in my head everyday - a little brown mouse hiding amongst my bran flakes and honey clusters, waiting for a chance to escape over my arm and down my leg.

Daymares - Volume 1

The New York City Subway system is, as far as I'm concerned, really really great. A lot of people like to complain about the service (it runs 24 hours a day - how do you complain about that), the price (it cost $2 - wtf? you can get from Coney Island to Yankee stadium for the price of a Snapple!) and so on. I'm pretty happy with it though. One thing I really like are all of the musicians the MTA auditions and allows to play on the platforms. You hear all sorts of stuff.Polka. Jazz. Rap. Oldies. Everything. As great as the music is, however, it can't snuff out one of my recurring daymares - which is a lunatic pushing someone onto the tracks.
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I know this happened famously to someone back in the 90's - but I don't think it happens much, and I'm certain it doesn't happen often. Nonetheless, almost 100% of my time on a platform is spent looking at all of the characters deciding which one is going to lunge at me just as the train approaches. For this reason I never stand near the tracks. Instead, I plant myself on one of the steel beams - with the beam between me and the track. That way, if someone does lunge for me, I'll have something to brace against. I also try to keep a low center of gravity. I've even got it worked out that if someone does try to push me, my plan is to fall into a heap on the ground. I think it would be harder to get a person on the tracks from this position than from a standing one.

I get 2X nervous when I ride the subway with KillerB2, because in addition to protecting me, I've got to be aware and protect her. Add in a child of any kind and that's enough to give me a panic attack. Could anything be more inviting to a lunatic than a clueless kid goofing around on a subway platform! I don't know what I'll do if KillerB2 and I have a kid. I can't believe other parents aren't terrified of this.

I have to stop writing about this - I'm getting worked up.