Douchebaggery

HAHAHAHAHAH...THOSE GUYS....HAHAHA

Gluttony

Evil

I bought a bag of tangerines today. I've already eaten 6 of them. I might finish the other 6 before the day is through!

Weird Apartment Cleaner

Evil

The apartment cleaner sent over by the cleaning company is a weird chick. In the last 3 hours, she's sat down to take two food breaks. The first time, she was eating a yogurt. And now she's chomping on an apple. Why does it take 3 hours to clean a 1 bedroom apartment anyway? Maybe she has low blood sugar. Or maybe she's just weird.

Rip Me Off Before You Go-Go

Evil

I can't watch even a few minutes of TV without bumping into 18 or so commercials for "Skating With Celebrities." While it's pretty insulting that they're trying to pass off Todd Bridges and Bruce Jenner as "celebrities," I'm most offending by the rip-off nature of the concept itself. I mean, how hard was it to come up with "Skating With Celebrities" after watching "Dancing With The Stars"? If there's one thing I can't stand -- and would NEVER do -- it's stealing other people's ideas.

Have I mentioned that I have a few TV shows in development? I've been a pretty busy guy lately. All these shows are in various stages development -- you know, contact negotiations with the talent, sponsorship negotiations with advertisers, distribution and syndication details to iron out... oh wait, you DON'T know. Because you don't have any shows in development. Losers! Maybe you can just live vicariously through me and all the balls I have in the air right now. (Or you can live vicariously though Manolo and have balls in your mouth.)

Anyway, here's a sneak preview of my TV shows, which should be hitting the airwaves next season:

Dancing With Celebrity Impersonators
Do the cha-cha with Young Elvis! Do the tango with Old Fat Elvis! Do the Charleston with Drag Queen Madonna! Each week, viewers will vote for their favorite dance couple via a toll-free phone line and text messaging. At the end of the season, the last remaining dance couple will be crowned campions and win $20 (in cash!).

Celebrating With Retards
If you're touched and motivated by shows like "The Biggest Loser," you're going to love "Celebrating With Retards." This show documents the lives of 6 very special retards. Follow their lives as they celebrate extraordinary accomplishments ("yay!"), such as eating apple sauce with minimal drooling ("yay!"), going to the bathroom ("yay!"), successfully stepping onto the curb without falling ("yay!"), and being a financial, emotional, and physical drain on their families ("yay!").

Krumping With Osama
Clown make-up, break dancing, and Osama bin Laden. I'm smelling an Emmy, bitches!

Beatifying With Benedict
Each week, three contestants will compete in dare-devil stunts -- such as tightrope walking between two tall buildings, driving a car into a canyon, and eating cow testicles -- to win an audience with the Pope. At the end of each show, the winning contestant gets blessed by Benedict.

Dry Humping With Mormons
OK, I'll admit... I don't really have an angle for this one yet. It might have something to do with jacking off on a Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints pamplet, but I'm not sure.

Begging With Hurricane Victims
Watch and laugh as our cameras track out-of-work, smelly, homeless Katrina victims as they beg for quarters (and dignity) on the streets of San Antonio.

Breaking The News With Gay Teens
This show is essentially the same every f'ing week, but I guarantee you, it'll never get old! Watch along as a homo teenager breaks the news to mom and dad that he's gay. Mom will weep. Dad will turn beet red, forget to breathe for 6 or 7 minutes, then punch Mom in the face, and then storm off to the garage workshop to cool down.

Guess Who's The Clown? (Double Dose!)

Evil

If you correctly guess the identities of Clown #1 and Clown #2, you win a special prize!

=====
Clown #1: did you hear about kobe's 81 point game?
Clown #1: he was getting great penetration all night
Clown #1: no one could stop him from going to the hole
Clown #1: there was no defense against kobe's aggression

Clown #2: was the penetration against the denver nuggets?
Clown #2: because he always does good work in colorado

Clown #1: he was scoring at will
Clown #1: and against everyone else's will
Clown #1: he was able to concentrate and zone out all the shouts of "noooooo!"
Clown #1: what an athlete
Clown #1: and role model

Clown #2: and after the game the other team took a shower and went home, so i bet they'll get over it

Clown #1: ouch!
Clown #1: it still probably hurt them the next day though
Clown #1: even if they didn't want to admit that it ever happened
Clown #1: there was debate over whether the other team just layed down and let kobe score on them
Clown #1: the other team supposedly lays down for everyone

Clown #2: they may lay down for everyone, but they didn't want kobe to penetrate in the back court, so i can see why they might be upset

Clown #1: they should really work more on their back door defense then
Clown #1: they were wide open all night
Clown #1: even a guy has big as kobe was able to slide right in

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Day

Evil

Those of you who don't have to go to work this upcoming Monday may be wondering what the special occasion is. Well, asswipes, Monday is when our great nation celebrates Dr. Martin Luther King Jr's birthday. Unlike lame holidays such as Veteran's Day and Flag Day -- where no one knows what the hell to do in celebration, other than sitting at home in boxers, watching The Price Is Right, because there's nothing better on TV -- there's a long and celebrated tradition around MLK Day. I hope everyone is able to go out (or stay in, as the case may be) and have a good dream on Monday. I know I will.

And for those of you who don't have Monday off: HAH! Suckers! Hey, what can I say? I guess not all holidays are created equal. Three-fifths of us get to tool around at home while the rest of you losers have to slog it in to the office as usual.

Regardless of whether or not you have the day off, I figured that we should do something to commemorate the day. I'm happy to announce that as of right now, The Hose has acquired the domain name www.metabigot.com. (Really, try it: www.metabigot.com.) Why "metabigot"? Well, it's in honor of Sarah Silverman and the improving relationship between Jews and blacks (or as Dr. King would say, "Negros") in this country.

Things To Do When Bored

Evil

Go to the gym. So straight to the steam room. Squat down. Drop a huge shit in the steam room. Let steam.

Question

Evil

Do you love me?

IM'ing fun

Evil

I saw this on the web and thought it was funny...

=====
Anonymous1: i read this article recently about suirrels
Anonymous1: this guy was telling a story about how he was walking behind these teenage girls in nyc
Anonymous1: and they walked by some rats and they acted disgusted
Anonymous1: and then the guy said they werent rats, but suirrels
Anonymous1: and then they thought they were cute

Anonymous2: dumb bitches
Anonymous2: did you watch The Biggest Loser last night?
Anonymous2: it was a special "couples episode"
Anonymous2: those should extend the franchise
Anonymous2: and make similar shows

Anonymous1: only parts, i was watching lost

Anonymous2: like "The Biggest Dick"
Anonymous2: and "The Biggest Asshole"

Anonymous1: i thought that was the name of your autobiography

Anonymous2: why you makey me sad?

Anonymous1: i meant the first one

Anonymous2: oh yes
Anonymous2: of course
Anonymous2: it's so big, i could take my own dick and stick it in my own asshole
Anonymous2: if i wanted, of course
Anonymous2: which, i dont
Anonymous2: but just in theory
Anonymous2: i could

Anonymous1: mtg

Anonymous2: oh
Anonymous2: bye

Big Day

Evil

A great and amazing thing happened to me today. Just after lunch, I got a call from the producers of The Biggest Loser. Looks like I'm going to be on the show for next season! They start taping in 3 weeks... whoa, 3 weeks! I still need to get more info on the details and logistics. I'm not sure about internet access or whether they'll allow me to post during the show. Probably not. Well, who knows. I'll find out soon. Anyway, this is big news for me. I'll see you all when I'm skinny.

Superhandz

Evil

Check out this video of Emily Fox, a girl known as "Superhandz." She's only 12, but in a year or two, her mouth will likely be just as super.

More Pop Quiz

Evil

Remember in high school lit class where all the final exams included an "identification" section? You know, they give you a few lines and you have to identify the book and author.

That shit was ass-hard, especially when you only read a third of the assigned reading list. Anyway, this pop quiz is easier, and again, it's multiple choice.

Identify this: "It wasn't bad. I just went to sleep. I love you."

Is it from...

(a) A dying miner's last note to his family

(b) What Cheo said to The Bumpasaurus after some banging

Danger! Danger!

Evil

Have you ever had one of those days at the gym... where no matter how hard you try, you just cannot for the life of you, seem to avoid getting perilously close to some guy's dirty schlong in the locker room? I mean, wtf?! I had one of those days today. I felt more in danger than a U.S. Army PFC in Fallujah. I was trying to dodge penis like the Army tries to dodge car bombs.

To all the oafs who work out at the upper east side Equinox, I'd like to suggest the following:

1. If you're gonna take a full 5 minutes to blow dry your back hair, you might as well take 2 seconds to wrap a towel around your waist

2. You don't need to stand in the locker room naked and waggle your pee pee around while trying to place a limit order with your stock broker

3. If you really wanted to include squat thrusts in your workout, why didn't you do them BEFORE you came back to the locker room?

Pop Quiz... But It's Only Multiple Choice

Evil

Pop quiz... only 1 question... and it's multiple choice.

Question: I haven't been posting on The Hose lately because...

(a) I've eating so much cheese that my fingers have gotten too chubby to type without significant difficulty

(b) I've come down with a bad case of cancer and/or HIV and/or bird flu

(c) I've been trapped in a mine

(d) I've been too busy hanging out with my "real friends"

(e) I've met a nice girl and come to the conclusion that blogging is for girlfriend-less losers

(f) None of the above

(g) XTIAN is wack

Whoever said the Internet bubble burst?

Clearly no one with any real insight into the world of bits and bytes.

<Click here for some depressing news.>