Evil! (Part 1 of 2). Evil drops in to discuss the year that was and the year that will be on the Hose. He also gives fans an inside look at how the Hose is put together. Finally, xTian gives Evil a Date or Die update...
Listen to the whole discussion here.
“There are an a**load of motherf*ckers in there right now”.
The bouncer outside Jumbo’s Clown Room was exactly the sort of person we had been encountering all weekend, someone very intentionally semi-disheveled and projecting an air of confidence about it that I could never match.
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I wondered aloud if people should hide their mothers, given the sheer numbers of motherf*ckers in the vicinity. Only Evil laughed. When I asked if any of the goth burlesque dancers inside would make me a balloon animal, I was met with blank stares.
I would categorize this as an auspicious end to an entertaining if non traditional engagement/wedding weekend.
Evil and I had met up the day prior in LA. We were in town because the AY (formerly the MPCGEB) was getting married (sometime soon) and she wanted to hold a pre-reception for all her friends. In truth, it’s not obvious to me why I was invited, but I was so I came. I had met her boyfriend maybe twice and both times walked away worried that he was moments from kissing me. Outside of them, the only person I knew there was Evil.
For his part, Evil is properly great friends with the AY and absolutely should be there. So he traveled farther than I, getting on a plane yesterday (though there it was already today) just to make the event. When we met I noticed he was sipping Ginger Ale, Evil admitted that he overdosed on Ambien on the plane and proceeded to vomit in the aisle before he passed out about 1 hour into the flight. I found this hilarious. He did not even seem remotely embarrassed.
He was even less embarrassed when he put on his pork pie hat and suggested we walk two blocks and get in line for Jimmy Kimmel Live. Ostensibly, our agenda was to be invited to Jimmy’s house for Sunday football with the Killers, Tom Cruise’s mom, Adam Corolla and the Sports Guy Bill Simmons. What Evil neglected to mention to me was that he really wanted to see the Twilight kids. That was a major disappointment, no Twilight kids (they were pretaped) and no invite to Sunday football. Evil and I were disappointed. Evil was so disappointed that he ordered a pizza at 3am and ripped it apart.
The weekend itself was more hipster than I expected. There was a visit to the Magic Castle, the rental of the most awesome Korean BBQ Taco Truck, a 5 card no limit texas hold ‘em tournament and me singing a very disturbing rendition of Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Heart Club Band.
Saturday night, we did Dining in the Dark and ate in complete darkness - pretty wild. Coming back from our evening out, Evil and I introduced a brother on the trip with us to In-N-Out and we tore it up animal style at 2am.
It was good to see Evil again…
Evil, Killer B #1 and Killer B #2 stop by to discuss the recent run of celebrity deaths and muse on who might be next.
Programming Note - This was actually recorded almost immediately after Michael Jackson died but given the tone of 'cast we decided to hold off till people had some time to reflect and mourn.
Listen to the whole discussion here.
Subscribe via iTunes here
Because you don't hate us enough yet, Evil came back and dragged xTian into more offensive chatter...
This week we build off the ongoing discussion of celebrity hotness. Evil tests xTian's ability to guess potential ages of female celebrities. Along the way, the guys discuss what makes these women more or less hot and the downside of Crystal Meth.
Listen to the whole discussion here.
We'll be back Friday with an in-depth interview with KillerB on his Galapagos quest!
Subscribe via iTunes here
I spent four days and four nights in NYC last week. Here’s the detailed recap:
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Day 1 – Napped off my redeye sleepiness.
Night 1 – Had a drinking contest with xTian, Le Troisieme, and Our Black Friend. Pulled a respectable tie with Le Trois. Crushed xTian, who actually ordered water at one point. Stayed out past 3am for the first time since…well, since last time I was in NYC.
Day 2 – Fought and won a gallant struggle to prevent my stomach from leaping out of my mouth. Made it in to work at 4pm.
Day 3 – Spent a beautiful NYC Saturday visiting old friends, wandering the Upper West Side, and wondering why KB1 wasn’t returning my calls (ah yes, Ecuador).
Night 3 – Late night at a Koreatown karaoke bar, just days before the NYTimes deemed it cool.
Day 4 – Became a Godfather! Tried to meet up with xTian, who informed me at 4pm that he was too hung over to consider meeting me. Went to a secret cocktail lounge speakeasy that THE VERY NEXT DAY appeared in a NYTimes article about secret cocktail lounge speakeasies.
Not a bad trip, all in all. A few general observations:
1. This is the first time I’ve felt generationally older than most of the people roaming the streets in Manhattan. Everyone is in their mid-20’s, just like Catjjy and I were when we lived there.
2. I spent quality walk-around time in probably 10 distinct neighborhoods. The demographics in every neighborhood were nearly identical: white and Asian people in their mid 20’s. But the styles changed at every subway stop. Columbia was all college gear and Urban Outfitters. UWS was Gap/BR. UES was swimming in Lilly Pulitzer. K-town was keeping LV and Gucci in business. The LES was a large-format American Apparel ad. It was just like The Warriors.
3. I didn’t see Evil once. Hadn’t realized he was back from China. This is all xTian’s fault, since he is the only person who knew we were both in town.
4. NYC doesn’t feel as economically depressed as I thought it would, but I was still able to go do pretty much whatever I wanted to do on short notice.
5. The trip would have been much more fun with Catjjy and The Cha.
6. I probably saw more human beings in four days than I have in the last six months combined. NYC has an incredible energy to it that even other major cities, like San Francisco, cannot match.
7. I used to live in NYC and still love it, but I sure was happy to come home to the Bay Area.
EVIL IS BACK (!) and the Hosecast has him here for a double dip.
Listen to Part 1 here. Evil tells xTian all about China, the underbelly of economic hyper expansion and basket jobs.
In Part 2 xTian and Evil go over the changes to the Hose since Evil went off the grid. Evil unable to help himself picks a fight with a fan favorite Catjjy, explains why Michelle Obama is not sexy, and clears up the entire Marisa Tomei issue once and for all.
Part 2 is a doozy - A listener's guide is available after the jump
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Evil and xTian realize that it was Catjjy who started this whole attainable business with regards to Marisa Tomei. They find the proof here.
How sexy is Michelle Obama exactly? Evil and xTian had strong opinions here. Recognizing there was no competition for her in the "First Ladies" bucket. They guys moved her to a new one - female ESPN personalities - just to see where she would fall.
Where would you stack her up against Pam Oliver (=sex), Hannah Storm, Suzy Kolber, Collen Dominguez and Michelle Tafoya?
In other news, I was listening to Adam Carolla's podcast today, and they can't get Skype to work clean either! Big ups to our IT Staff.
Apologies for not getting one in last week, between the Memorial Day holiday and the Bump's flakiness I was not able to get one up.
Subscribe via iTunes here
The people have spoken! Adam Lambert is a better bet than all the rest
Qualitative research after the poll shows
Evil
Just read this quote by Kelly Clarkson, talking about her dating life:
"I don’t ever worry about it. I really love being single. I like having that freedom,” Kelly explained. " I like having that freedom. I’m only 26 years old so I’m not in any kind of rush… I’m not really that girl that’s looking for it."
Whoa, BIG MISTAKE!
Listen to me, Kelly. You might be 26 now, but you'll be 36 in no time at all. And let's face it, you're not the kind of person who's going to get better looking with age. Even watching you go from age 23 to age 26 has been pretty painful. You're an awesome singer and I love to you to death, but don't focus 100% on your career and then drown your sorrows in Haagen Dazs at night. Take it from someone who knows first hand. Go out there and meet some people!
Evil
Dear Xtian- With the Super Bowl less than 2 weeks away, I had a football-related question. What is the difference between the 4-3 defense and the 3-4 defense? More specifically, why do people always talk about it like it is fundamentally such a big deal for a team to play one defense vs. the other? Can't players be flexible enough to play both defenses, and switch up as the game conditions dictate?
Evil has this funny move. He frequently accuses me of being "white-washed" in very subtle ways.
Evil,
Would love if you could take a few things on this week
I looks like we need to call a repairman - it hasn't been updated since September 13. With the holidays here, we know Evil needs to be vigilant. There are cookies around every corner, and drinks inside every door.
I'm willing to suggest we put some of the $5.89 we've generated from ad revenues to get this Weight Counter fixed post haste.
Hose readers are no strangers to Evil's huge claims on a range of matters from weight loss to Scrabble. Well, turns out we can expect fewer big shot posts from him now. Above you'll see the play-by-play results of our first ever Hose ScrabblePalooza Invitational. After drawing "Z" on the opening rack ("razed" for 34 points) and scoring 79 points on his 4th move ("quoit" - whatever that is) Evil jumped out to a commanding lead. I knew I had a tough road ahead. He clearly was feeling very confident too, as he started 'chatting' with gems such as "jerk", "that's such a gay word", "butthead", "you've got a huge douche coming", "why don't you just forfeit", and "you're so dumb".
I tried not to let these distract me, however, and just kept trying to play good solid scrabble. You can see from the graph that I'm remarkably consistent, while Evil is anything but. Towards the end I made one last push to tighten things up. I played "anthem" (while also getting credit for "dent") for 32 points, but this left me with just 2 tiles, H and E. Evil came back with "bloom" on a triple word score for 21 points (at which point he told me I was gay again). But did I have a move in store! Down 36 points with just two tiles left I created 3 words ("Her", "He", and "Bee"), including 2 on a double word score tile. Final score, KillerB 335, Evil 332.
Inexplicably, I was stuck in Los Angeles this weekend trying to commute home. I missed a connection. It was no one's fault but my own. It was a reach to think it would work out for me anyway. I had 18 hours in LA and nothing to do.
A quick scan of my cellphone address book showed three people I knew in LA. None were around to entertain me. Finally, I called Sparks, hoping his brother-in-law was in town. Catjjy informed me he was not. I was left alone, in a nice hotel bar, exchanging glances with several other gentlemen who like me were wondering where all the women were.
I finished my drink. Outside, on the curb, I sat near some smokers hoping someone would engage me in conversation. An affable valet who asked me what i needed
"A plan?" I arched my eye brow...a cool breeze hit me...
"huh?"
I explained that I was stuck and no one I knew was around. He nodded knowingly...
"Nah, doooooood, you know what I do when I got nothing to do around here?"
"shoot somebody?" I thought to myself. Somehow I lacked the courage to say that out loud. He reminded me of Miguel...the way he uttered "dude" took 3 seconds to long, just like my old friend and he was of course Mexican
"There's a strip club up the street just past the Hilton"
I nodded and sat there for a while. I don't go to strip clubs, not anymore anyway. I outgrew that, or maybe I just stopped going because Manolo, Sparks, The Bumpasaurus, Jazzy, TMO, Evil, Balls Mahoney, KenTak3, ET #1 and 2 and Mr. Shoulders all stopped going...they were the ones with the problem, not me. No one more so than Mr. Shoulders of course...
(One second, Let me see if there is anyone left for me to throw under the bus about going to strip clubs...umm...no...we're good)
Bored with the stream of cars pulling up to the Hotel, I drifted off walking in the general direction he pointed.
It was a bit further off than he implied but I found it easily enough. The place was horrible. The front was a sex toys shop,around back, in an alley, there was a sign that said "Live Nudes". An adjoining door had a small cage surrounding it, for smokers apparently. Promising.
The patrol cars parked outside, sealed the deal for me. I would go in...
Walking in, I scanned the place as I ordered a cranberry juice. It was a typical California dive, decorated by a wannabe cowboy in 1975 then never considered again, the floors were sticky. There were red disco lights everywhere.
I took a seat amongst what looked like a small eclectic collection of bikers, airport attendants and cholos with nothing to do. I felt comfortable at first, my catholic middle school had much the same demographic. Then I remembered High School. The likelihood of my ass getting a shiv for being mouthy was growing by the second.
The announcer mentions that it is 2 for 1 time...and a row of women poured out of the back room. I was surprised; these were the prettiest strippers on earth. It's LA, I guess that's how it works when the top 5% of America's beauties move here every year. Not everyone gets to be Vicky Christina Barcelona
Eventually, a Hawaiian stripper approached me. After half a joke that was not at all funny, she walked me to some back closet with a couch.
"It's thirty, but for an extra twenty you can touch anything but [down there]"
"wow" I was glancing around...this is where the cops bust in, I just know it.
"yeah…for 30 bucks more than that…"
"that's fine, I'll take a number 2" I interrupted her mid sentence...I mean who knew what she would say next…and what I would then be implicated in...
Back at the stage, I sat down and started texting…a dancer asked me to stop as it was rude for whoever was performing.
"That's fair"
I turned my eyes back to the show. A large brother (let's say he weighed 4 bills) looked my way
"Damn, this place is off the hook"
I wondered why he was talking to me. I mean that girl there is showing him the goods and he's looking to me for affirmation. What could I, a total stranger, do for him? Where is the woman in leopard print telling him that talking to some dude you don't know is just as bad as texting. Where are the manners? Society is doomed.
Soon another stripper, (who looked disturbingly like the Ecuadorian girl from Cheetah Girls on the Disney Channel) informed me that her booth was way in the back and very private.
I said no, and went to get another cranberry juice. I have been very worried about toxins lately.
After working every other deadbeat in the room she came back and sat near me. I bought her a cranberry juice. We discussed natural antioxidants at some length - that and the nature of beautician school. It was here that I learned that the extra thirty led to "hand work"...
This place might have been something less innocent then it first seemed. At this point I decided to clear out before Vice busted in...
Back in the parking lot of my hotel, I ran into the valet. He offered me some green and a seat in a Porsche that was parked there for the night.
Not sure what else to do, I followed him. He dropped the top and we sat there scoping out the stars. I asked him if we were going to take the car out for a spin.
"nah homes, i don't do that no more"
smart dude
Few of you may know that Evil and I patterned our schtick after Mike and the Mad Dog the drive time hosts of a sports talk radio program on WFAN in NY. You should watch us in a bar, it's exactly like that, we laugh at our own jokes but not each other's. We are constantly trying to one up each other. It's all very sad and desperate.
Anyway they broke up and there was a huge media uproar. The final show on Friday included people crying (see above video at th 3:02 minute mark) and calls from the Governors of NY and NJ...
Links:
NY Times Coverage of the Break up
Newsday coverage of the break up
ESPN's The Sports Guy keeps a running log while watching Mike and the Mad Dog on the YES Network (2006)
New Yorker Profile on Mike and The Mad Dog (2004)
Things are getting out of control in China. Now that I have linked to this article, I am pretty sure Evil won't be able to report back from Beijing.
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