Outdated Movie Review: Lebowski Fest 2009

Caught Lebowski Fest 2009 at the House of Blues in Boston. Speed of Sound Tour. Of all days for this year's Lebowski Fest, it just happened to be on Shabbos. Shomer f****** shabbos. Actually, Rosh Hashanna. I s**t you not.

Several Dudes, a few Pinheads, a Nihilist, and several White Russians also attended the event. Brought Donny in a nice Folger's can from Ralph's. Really tied the room together.

Looking forward to the next Coen foray, A Serious Man.

I Can Barely Contain Myself!

(Un) Funny People

There is probably a lot of enthusiasm out there for this movie. I mean its called "Funny People", it stars genuinely funny people like Adam Sandler, my hetero soul mate Seth Rogan and the Coppola from Rushmore! It's written, directed and produced by Judd Apatow who has written or produced every funny movie the history of mankind ever! All the makings of comedy gold - still I have my doubts.
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Some of Judd's movies have a habit of intermittently not being funny. Here's an example from Knocked Up. Paul Rudd's character is part of a fantasy baseball league. His wife, the totally lovely Leslie Mann, catches him in a lie about it while trailing him to see if he is cheating on her. She is crushed. They proceed to have one of the more gut wrenching arguments I have ever seen. In the end she feels totally betrayed. How could her husband take so small a lie and whip it up to a minor conspiracy? I remember sitting there perfectly still and uncomfortable for a long while. Eventually let off the awkward hook by a really well placed pink eye joke. The more I hear about Funny People, the more I am concerned that this movie will reverse the 80/20 rule of fart jokes/soul aches.

I don't know if you know this but its about Adam Sandler have some serious disease and realizing he's going to die. Hey! That's not funny

Not only that, but much like how I plan to react to eventual terminal disease, he becomes obsessed with what a mega douche he's been in his life and becomes fixated with fixing all his broken relations. I'm not going to lie, I am starting to feel really uncomfortable....

He's so alone in the world that he hires Seth Rogan to hang out while he waits to die. Wait a minute, if we make Seth a stripper with big fake boobs then....

ummm

Am I in a Dickens novel or something?

Outdated Movie Review: Away We Go

I have been way to excited to watch this movie. There are several reasons for this.

It was co-written by Dave Eggers (who made me laugh out loud at his mother's cancer in A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius and made me care about rwandans in What is the What? ).

It was directed by Sam Mendes (who made American males simultaneously more and less gay with American Beauty).

The preview looked very charming.

I am very gay.


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I dragged ET #2 along with me as a prop. It's one thing to want to see a movie like this. It's quite another to go by yourself and break down in tears in a theater as a baby is being born on screen.

The movie is legimately awesome. Early only Maya Rudolph asks Jim Alpert "Are we screw ups?". The resign themselves to finding the perfect place to raise their gestating baby. Their travels take them from Pheonix to Tuscon to Madison to Montreal. Along the way they size up their friends and loved ones as potential examples of successful families. The entire thing would be maudlin if not for the pitch perfect absurdity of several of the people they meet. Allison Janney is hilarioius. Her laugh is disturbingly similar to my godmother's laugh, which for no apparent reason made the whole thing very authentic. There is also some hilarity with a stroller and Maggie Gyllenhall but that's all I'll say about that.

The movie is great. You should watch it. Please be sure to smile the whole way.

There was one joke that looks like it got chopped up in the script to the point where it was lost. Two completely different characters under their breath somewhat accuse Jim Alpert of being afraid of something like the rest of America...it was not well placed or called out in anyway so after the second time i was like like "that's weird". Please explain it to me if it makes more sense when you watch it.

Outdated Movie Review - The Reader

Evil


This movie is utterly ridiculous, in so many ways. More on that in a bit, but first, the prerequisites...

This movie stars the incomparable Kate Winslet, her saggy breasts (gentlemen beware: these are not the perky young breasts you saw in Titanic!), and her hairy 'pits. The movie also stars Ralph Feins in a tour-de-force performance where he manages to look very young and very old in the same movie.

Okay, now back to why this movie is ridiculous...

First, the movie is set in Germany, yet everyone is speaking English with German accents. Wha?? Confusing. That's what.

The beginning of the movie features a most improbably scenario where a 16 year old young man gets seduced by an older woman. Cmon, people. I've basically been praying for this scenario every day since i was about 16 and it's never happened.

The middle of the movie features many sex scenes. Kate Winslet's saggy breasts aside, I give the sex scenes a rating of three tissues.

The second majorly confusing this about this movie is that halfway through, it suddenly stops being a soft core porn flick and turns into a Nazi war crimes trial. WHAT??? I was totally lost at this point.

This movie's tagline is "How Far Would You Go To Keep A Secret?"... I won't reveal any spoilers in this review, but let's just say the secret is utterly improbable and lame. It would never happen. For any reasonable person, the secret that Kate Winslet ends up hiding is like #98 on their list of things to hide, right behind #97: forgetting to take out the garbage last week.

Final rating: 3.0/5.0 stars.

Update: Eagle Eye Sparks correctly pointed out that Kate Winslets boobs are blurred out in the pic above. I didn't notice it when I pulled the pic from Google Images, but it does appear that the pic has been modified. If you wanna see Kate Winslet's boobs from this movie, click here. NSFW NSFW NSFW!

Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?

The laughing was what really bothered me. I am sitting in an imax theater in Times Square and for the life of me, I can't figure out why these lunatics are laughing.

Alan Moore wrote the Watchmen between 1986 and 1987. That's important, without this detail, a layered and occasionally impenetrable story makes absolutely no sense. Without a sense of what the threat of nuclear war meant, it makes no sense. Without having walked down the street in mid 80s NYC, it makes no sense. Without some dubious feeling about the underbelly of all that Reaganism, it makes no sense. Without a general feeling that that the world is going to hell in a handbasket it makes no sense. Without this context, you're just an idiot in a movie theater laughing at a dude getting chopped to death with a meat cleaver.

With this context, the scene I am referring to is almost breath taking. Rorschach, a hero in this world, is telling his prison therapist about when he reached his breaking point, about the exact moment he gave up on the world.

That is the central conceit of this story. All the heroes differ from a Superman or a Batman in two ways. First, they have remarkably human weaknesses. Second, they seem to be loosing the battle for their humanity for the entire movie. Rorschach, a cross between Batman and Jeffrey Dahmer, highlights this well. Dr. Manhattan, a man who exists in several times at once, in several universes at once and yet somehow is incapable of whipping up a pair of pants is another. Sure it starts sunny and bright, but this is a pessimistic film. Truth be told all the optimism is limited to the opening credits, an inspired extended walk through the history of these heroes that starts with V Day and ends with a hate crime perpetrated on one of the heroes.

This is by no means a great movie. It's certainly not a great comic book movie. My favorite comic book movie ever was "Iron Man", it had not point other than to be super-fun. The Watchmen comic book was inspired, but as you probably guessed the story has not aged very well. Still it is amazing to look at, detailed, dense almost too much. The comic book itself was practically a movie. Every page was laid out assuming nine panels, and more closely resembled a movie story board than anything. It is practically unfair to make a viewer watch these images blow by you in real time without giving you the proper time to digest it.

There are some scenes of high unintended comedy, a particularly ill placed love scene between two of the weakest characters in the script pretty much fails. But the rest is gloomy. The ending is so cynical I was besides myself when I read it and just about crawled under my seat when I saw it on a screen.

Somewhere in the middle, there is a flashback to a "hero" named the Comedian, who closely resembles what would would come out if Captain America ever raped and impregnated the Joker. As he stands over a a Vietnamese hooker he has just killed, he starts talking about how its all "a big joke" and laughs awkwardly, something he'll do several times throughout the story....15 years since I read the stupid thing and I still haven't figured it out. What in the world is there to laugh at?

wooooo

Outdated Movie Review: W

Movies about recent history are always a challenge. As a viewer you spend more time checking out how similar the actor is in appearance and mannerism than you do watching the movie, following the story etc.

“W” suffers here for just that reason. Why rob me the chance to stare at Thandie Newton for 2 hours by boxing her into a disturbing physical caricature of Condolizza Rice that brings a fused back to mind. W is not as good looking as Josh Brolin and Elizabeth Banks is the most “attainably hot chick in Hollywood”…is she really a credible Laura Bush?

That aside, the movie is great. The trailer makes the film seem a bit like an extreme parody with a goofiness that would be unworthy of the material. Instead, Oliver Stone took us to some familiar ground for him - Presidents, critical flaws, evil guys with lighting to let you know they are evil, and of course, everyone’s favorite, a weak son trying to earn his too cold father’s love. There is an element of the movie that is a period piece and that works well.

Brolin handles the role of W well enough, not just relying on squintiness in the eyes but infusing a goofy charm, a tinge of ego, and a lot of insecurity together to bring someone who feels very real to life. Brolin’s W is only a little flawed redeemed by the idea that though completely over his head, he is almost completely aware of it.

Good movie, go watch it

Outdated Movie Review: Stardust

Last summer, on an idle Sunday I invited Le Troisieme to watch a movie. He objected to watching Stardust with me because watching the "most romantic movie of the summer" (according to NY Times) with xTian was just going too far.

Instead he went by himself. Further, I never got around to watching it, even though it had everything I would like. It was based on a short story by Neil Gaiman. The film had just the sort of Princess Bride sensibility to it that I knew I would really enjoy.

Well, I just watched it. It was awesome and Trois was right, it would have been really gay for us to watch it together.

I would say Claire Danes was radiant in a strange way as the star fallen from the sky. Robert De Niro as the Lightening pirate, Captain Shakespeare amused me.

Add it to your Netflix queue. You will enjoy it...

Thanks

Outdated Movie Review: The Wackness

Last night, Evil Twin #2 and I went to watch The Wackness starring Ben Kinsley, the doofus from Nickelodeon and future hottest chick on earth, Olivia Thirlby.

The movie takes place in the summer of 1994, the time between graduating high school and starting college for the two main protagonists. We were both excited because the fall of 1994 was when the Evil Twins, KenTak3, Sparks and I all attacked NY for the first time for our freshman year of college. Probably our favorite NY, on display in the big screen just minutes before all the charming grit got washed away in a blur of late 90s prosperity/excess. Further, I was excited because one of the key elements of the movie was a tight early-mid 90s hip-hop soundtrack featuring B.I.G., Nas, Raekwon...all the greats.

Could a movie live up to such expectations? Somewhere in between the dream sequence that include "fly girls" and a scene where our protagonist had to blow into his Nintendo cartridge to make it work, I knew the answer. YES.

The story was a bit of a rehash of the usual "coming of age" story. But it was well executed, details in how people spoke, drank, talked and dressed gave it the feeling of a period piece and it was superbly acted. Ben Kingsley was all manner of awesome. For a minute, I totally wished I was in high school again so I could have a pining rush on Olivia Thirlby's character.

Even a minor cameo by Mary Kate Olsen as a pre-millennial hippie, a unique creature that we all knew really well in college was credible and well executed.

I liked it, I smiled a lot. I had no other ambitions for my 2 hours.

Outdated Theater Review

A few weeks ago, I attended a preview of the new Neil Labute play Reasons To Be Pretty. I have a standing date with one of my favorite people in the world. Every spring she and I hit the Lucielle Lortel Theater and take in the latest mind f*ck that Labute puts out. Its a great time every time.

This show as really compelling. Like every other Labute play its about dudes who are sort of d*cks and can't grow up. Like The Shape of Things and Fat Pig (which was I'll admit...AWESOME)its about everyone's contemporary fixation with body image.

This show was different though. For the first time, at the end of the play someone actually learns a lesson and grows up. That's a first for one of his plays. As we walked out, I turned to my friend and smiled "maybe there's hope for me yet".

"hah...you wish"

:-)


Here is the NY Times review of the show.

Booooooo

I hate Sex and the City. I really do. I can’t imagine a worse punishment in life than being with one of those broads, except maybe the brunette. She would probably make a good mom.

I hate it for a few reasons, here’s a quick rundown:

10 years ago, Sparkes and I would get drunk in the middle of the day and walk around the Meatpacking District talking to hookers standing outside of HELL you know just to ask them what’s up. Now it’s a Disney World for Euro-trash and 19 year old girls from Bergen County.

Women who navel gaze all day about dating on their blogs – enough! All of you…back to work…or something

Old chicks screaming about c*ck at the top of their lungs – you’ve seen it. You’re out somewhere getting a few drinks and some ladies are knocking drinks back like water and talking like sailors. This is what I do! I don’t need to be met crass comment for crass comment by someone who should have developed a better vocabulary 15 years ago at Wellesley. Seriously, Evil and I have a schtick, it looses all effect if we’re trumped by two blondes who thinks being 19 lbs too thin is a good way to maintain their youth.

Outsized expectations – Klosterman argued that Lloyd Dobler ruined it for everyone. I am fairly certain it was Mr. Big. Thank god Chris Noth is starting to look really disturbing…

I think that’s why I really hate it. I didn’t watch this show but it sure was popular when it was 1999 and the party didn’t look like it was ever going to stop. Those were good times. Spending money like we didn’t care, staying out till all hours. Manolo was in the strip club every night. Shoot, loose women abounded…awesome…

What now?

Outdated Movie Review: Forgetting Sarah Marshall

I loved this movie. It was awesome. Some reviews thought it was too dark, with protagonist Jason Segel crying a bit too much. I didn't think so, the theater I saw it in, found those scenes really funny and laughed heartily all the way through his sad fits. The most damning criticism I have for it is that I did not need to see Jason Segel's schlong that much. Though her dumping him while he is naked was sort of hysterical.

I have never thought Kristen Bell very attractive. Her eyes are a little strange and she is quite short. Still she convincingly plays a TV starlet here, which I guess is not much a stretch for her.

Mila Kunis on the other hand? To die for...totally. That made much more sense.

go watch it, its awesome

Outdated Move Review: Knocked Up

Evil


Watched Knocked Up on the plane ride back to NYC yesterday. This movie is exactly XTIAN's life! Or at least, what XTIAN's life will be soon. Here's the premise:

Chubby, funny guy meets hot girl at a club. Both get smashed on drinks and head back to her place. Various mishaps with contraception take place and before you know it, sperm and egg do their thing. Hilarity ensues.

Actually, if you've ever heard XTIAN do his rant about "I just need to impregnate" someone, this movie is what he's talking about. Because in the end, the shlubby guy and the hot girl become a happy couple, have an instant family, and live happily ever after.

BTW- there are other parallels in this movie, especially the lead character's band of tooly friends. XTIAN has a band of tooly friends too! One of the friends in the movie even has a girlfriend. Mamacita- that's you!

Outdated Movie Review: Pan's Labyrinth

Evil


According to Netflix, Pan's Labyrinth is a "fairy tale for adults." I was expecting something like Edward Scissorhands or even Beetle Juice. But noooo. Pan's Labrynth is a different type of movie altogether. First of all, it's not even in English. WTF? The entire movie is narrated in German. Or Mexican. Or something. Who the hell knows? Isn't English the official language of the great United States of America?

Back to the Netflix description, which adds: "10-year-old Ofelia (Ivana Baquero) stumbles on a decaying labyrinth..." Whoa! 10 years old? C'mon. This role was completely mis-casted. The girl had little boobies and child-bearing hips. It was quite uncomfortable, actually. When I watch a movie, I want no doubts as to whether I should be pants-on or pants-off. This movie was squarely in between. It sucked!

There's not much good stuff I can say about this movie. The characters are completely one dimensional, with no development that takes place over the course of the narration. The flat characters are epitomized by the Facist officer, Capeetan (Sergi Lopez). Why is that guy such a dick throughout the entire movie? I mean, cmon. Take a chill pill, dude.

Even if you're totally bored and have nothing better to do with your life and must absolutely get this movie on Netflix just to get your money's worth from your $21.95 membership (you cheap bastard), at the very least, avoid the DVD director's commentary at all cost! Holy crap! This director is the most self-absorbed douche bag this side of Dennis Miller. His commentary is unbearable. He comments on his movie as if he were the combination of George Lucas, Woody Allen, Jesus Christ, Albert Einstein, and Walt Disney. Two words aptly describe his commentary: mental masturbation. Someone hand me two Kleenex.

Overall, this movie gets 1 star (out of 5,000).

Outdated Movie Review - American History X

Evil



In American History X, Edward Norton plays a skinhead... a very buff skinhead. Just when did Edward Norton get so buff? Norton delivers a brilliant feat of acting in this movie, and not just because he manages to pull off not looking like the skinny little twerp that he is.

Overall, this movie is amazing. I think it's just a shame that they ran out of budget and had to film some scenes in black and white. There's no telling what the full potential of this movie could have been.

This is a movie that really makes one think. For example:

- Avery Brooks (from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine), plays a guy with 2 PhDs, is the Principal of Norton's high school, and rides around with the LAPD on skinhead crime investigations. How does someone have time to do all that and still be the captain of a star ship? Dude, I know how far away Deep Space Nine is. It's more than a 45 minute commute from out there to L.A.

- There's a scary rape scene in this movie, where 5 dudes grab Norton in the prison shower and then this huge dude, who must have been 8 feet fall, takes Norton from behind. Despite his tough guy role, Norton also demonstrates that he as sensitive insides: in the scene following the shower rape, he cries like a little bitch and begs Avery Brooks to spring him from jail.

- After Norton gets raped for the first time, I didn't understand why he immediately went and alienated his crew, the other skin heads. They were the only thing keeping Norton's butt away from everyong in prison who hated him, namely the huge black dudes.

OK, enough blogging. I need to go watch another movie.

Outdated Movie Review: King Kong

Evil



UGH! This movie should never have been (re)made. King Kong is essentially Jurassic Park, except throw in a big monkey and a boring ass script. Which Hollywood exec jacked up on blow thought this movie was going to be a hit? DUDE! The dramatic male lead is Jack Black. Jack Black people! And the tough guy in this movie was... Adrien Brody? I was supposed to believe that he could save the girl? I can't even convince myself that Adrien Brody can save his own career. And I've had 6 drinks (alone) tonight.

Outdated Movie Review: Brokeback Mountain

Evil



I got this movie via my Netflix recommendations... it's called Brokeback Mountain. All I can say is, holy crap! I was expecting an Incredible Hulk meets Oriental kung fu movie, but what I got was a sappy love story. A love story that involved a very unrealistic butt-sex-during-the-first-night-in-the-tent scene. I mean, come on!

Outdated Movie Review: The Motorcycle Diaries

Evil



In The Motorcycle Diaries, Gael Garcia Bernal (above) reprises his role as the impressionable gay youngster from the homoerotic thriller, Y Tu Mama Tambien. This movie is about a nubile young man and an older, experienced man who ride 8000 km through South America on a motorcycle.

Before watching this movie, I thought it was going to be like Easy Rider -- a kick ass movie about kick ass manly dudes -- except in Spanish. DUDE, was I wrong. First of all, these two guys didn't have their own motorcycles. Instead, they rode through South America while sharing the same bike: one guy's groin pressed to the other guy's ass... all while the motorcycle was vibrating vigorously upon the rocky terrain.

Unlike Y Tu Mama Tambien, this movie didn't involve any man-woman screwing in an attempt to hide its gayness. Let me tell you, my friends, this movie is full-on GAY.

And on a somewhat unrelated note (and I don't mean to get all political on you)... the two homos in this movie traveled from Argentina to Venezuela, so those countries and the ones en-route (Peru, Colombia) got prominent mention... Oh wait, they left out Ecuador. What happened to Ecuador? Is it a second-tier South American country? I guess it's sort of like if I were traveling from Miami from Boston, I wouldn't bother to mention anything that happens in New Jersey.

BTW- I am so smashed right now.

Outdated Movie Review: "Ray"

Evil

"Ray" is a movie about the early life of Ray Charles, who apparently is some handicapped dude who played the piano and sang. I've heard a few people describe "Ray" as in inspiring story, but I just don't see it. I mean, yeah, Ray Charles had this crazy limp, but that doesn't really make piano playing and singing all that tough.

Story aside, Jamie Foxx's interpretation of Ray Charles is difficult to fathom. Instead of feeling like I was watching Ray Charles, I felt like I was watching Adam Sandler doing a Ray Charles impersonation. What was with that mumbly, slurry speech? Was this Water Boy? Happy Gilmore? Little Nicky?

There was one bright spot in the movie though: Kerry Washington, who played Ray Charles's wife. She made me want to lose my pants.