The Hose Hates Manolo

Recently, Manolo in a brazen act of aggression, declared on facebook that he is starting a blog to discuss depression and suicide (or possibly Miami real estate, wait is that the same thing?)

Way to act like Iran, d*ckwad...

The Hosecast Episode 12: The Hangover + Miami + Hosers = Comedy Gold?

Part 1 of 2 - It's a THREE WAY DANCE! Manolo and the Bump stop by to discuss Miami Social, The Hangover and their own experiences in Miami and try to figure out if there is enough to pitch a movie in all of this?

Listen to the whole discussion here.

Subscribe via iTunes here

Manolo Has A Dream

I went to an inner city high school in the means streets of Queens, NYC so at a very young age I learned to be sensitive to the fact that other people were inferior to me. When I graduated, I knew I wasn’t going to see many of them ever again except at the McDonalds or at the pharmacy around the corner. In fact, except for 5-6 individuals, I have not kept in touch with any of the 368 people in my graduating high school class.

More...15 years later, and because of the Facebook phenomenon, I seem to be getting in touch with some of them. In fact, I have about 20 pending friend requests from high school. I honestly don’t remember or recognize many of them…and I can’t use my yearbook for reference because I seem to have misplaced it.

Of course, all these people know me…How can they not want to be friends with me? I was super popular…In fact, I am in almost in every page of the yearbook (student council president, senior class council, baseball team, track and field, volleyball, soccer, bowling, Latino club, etc…) I think the only teams/clubs that I was not part of were gymnastics and wrestling (aversion to tights and men groping me unlike Killer B #1). Oh…and basketball…made up of black dudes from Queensbridge except for Big Mike, the 6-6 foot Caucasian secret weapon. And the Asian club because, well, I just hated Asians….

Anyway, I guess all these pending Facebook requests filtered into my subconscious because I had a dream about it. I seemed to be attending some sort of high school reunion; only thing is no one knew me. They couldn’t find my name on the list and wouldn’t let me in. When they turned their backs for a second, I sneaked in. I went to every person I recognized but they didn’t know who I was. I tried to introduce myself to every single table but all I got was the cold shoulder…

A normal person could use the Google thing on the Interweb to look up my dream and interpret what it means but that is too much work…I guess I will just post to the Hose and see what comes back...

Sincerely,

Slightly rejected in Miami…

Manolo Goes On A Date (aka Original Date or Die)

(Author's Note: Unlike some people at the Hose, Manolo has a real life so he was never seriously emotionally wounded when he was unceremoniously dumped from The Hose...At the same time, Manolo never left. He comes back to check upon The Hose every 4-6 months to see how this gang of misfits is holding up...For example, I have noticed that xTian and Evil have taken my original date concept and run with it. Kudos to them...In fact, I hope they never go through some of my worst moments and refuse to pay medical bills...In their honor, I tell the following tale of woe...)
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My name is Manolo and I have a disease. I am too picky when it comes to women…I seem to be looking for perfection in a world where imperfections are what makes us unique. These imperfections (real or made-up) are used by me as nothing but as a shield not to get close to somebody. Every time I met a new woman, I would ask myself if she was girlfriend/wifey material…If she was not, I would use these imperfections as reasons to abandon the possibilities of what may have been and focus more on short-term satisfaction of physiological needs…Don’t get me wrong, guilt-free no-strings-attached sex is great but like every man before me, I have a hunger for something more…I have arrived at that point in life where one longs to be one with somebody for more than a couple of hours (who am I kidding? I meant minutes…but best 4 minutes of your life…wink!)…

Therefore, I am trying to be a little less picky…a bit more open minded. I am trying hard about overlooking imperfections and giving everyone a chance…

Two weekends ago, I went out to paint the town (color didn’t really matter) with some friends...We are at this trendy lounge when this young woman walks by and catches my eye…what was not to like…tall (5’9’’), slim, red hair, blue eyes, smooth porcelain-like skin…

We seemed to really hit it off. In fact, we spent close to 5 hours together (last 2-3 hours walking down the beach). At the end of the night, we exchanged phone numbers and we went our separate ways, but not before agreeing to meeting once again.

As I was driving home, I kept going back to two things that were holding me back….One of them was her accent. Don’t get me wrong, I like accents. I think they are sexy, especially in the throes of passion. In fact, I am such a believer in accents that I went out and got one of my own. Nevertheless, her Russian accent meant that I found myself at times asking her what she had just said. The other thing was that she has a small mole around her lip…I then told myself if Cindy Crawford has it, why not her? I noticed I was falling into my old patterns so I decided then and there to give her a chance…

I spoke to her a couple of times on the phone and after finding out that she loves the beach, we agreed to go to the beach for our first date. I pick her up and as we are driving to our destination, she starts talking about Halloween and how she needs to buy a costume…I don’t know why she is looking for a costume since the outfit she has already makes her look like a Russian sailor (white short shorts, blue and white striped shirt, hat, sunglasses, pig tails). I think she looks very sexy but afraid of how the comment may be construed, I keep it to myself. Taking a cue to be spontaneous, we drive to a Halloween store I passed by on the way to her house to try on some costumes…Some of them were too hot to handle on a first date but I did not care…if she did not like seeing me in a Hooters outfit, perhaps she shouldn’t have looked…

Anyway, we finally arrive at the beach where I proceed to impress her by breaking out the blanket, a bottle of champagne and a full spread of cheeses and fruits…We sit there talking watching the waves crashing upon another…we start feeding each other and at one point, I drop an apple into the chocolate. I pull the apple out but my finger is drenched in chocolate…she laughs, jumps towards me and cleans my finger dry…I didn’t need another hint…I put a drop of chocolate on her cheek and I clean it…she then puts some chocolate on the tip of my nose and she cleans it…I put some chocolate on her lips….

All of a sudden, we are rolling on the blanket squishing the occasional strawberry or grape as we jockey for an ideal kissing position…From time to time, I put some chocolate on her neck or shoulders or thighs and kiss it away…I put some on her stomach and then….

I see it…I had felt something but I thought it may have been the shorts or the shirt…No, it’s not what you think…you see, my Russian sailor has an outie…I have only seen outies in the belies of malnourished third world children so imagine my surprise…

You would think that if you ever ran into one, you could just gnaw on it…maybe even treat it as a kind of a third nipple…

I guess I am not a better man after all...Back to the drawing board...

Manolo Orders Some Chinese Food

I just finished a late lunch from Canton Chinese Restaurant. When I order chinese, I usually end up ordering the same thing (General Tso's or Shredded Beef)...

Anyway, today I ended up ordering the General Tso's lunch combination (hot/sour soup & pork fried rice). After finishing, I dutifully went for my fortune cookie. I always follow protocol and add the "in bed" part to whatever fortune I get...

I opened my fortune cookie and there was no fortune...

The question is...since I had no fortune, does the "IN BED" part applies or is it a wash...I hope is the latter because even though it may be true, it is still somewhat sad to say:

Manolo has no fortune in bed.

Manolo Recaps Idol Gives Back

In my previous apartment, I had a built in entertainment center (picture shown) which though handy for all my crap, limited the size of my TV screen. I recently moved to a new place and first thing I did was to break down and buy a 52’’ LCD... Supposedly, you can see people Halle Berry and Jessica Alba in all their glory. On the other hand, you have to be careful you stay away from high def when watching people like Howard Stern or Keith Richards or Evil. Anyway, while waiting for my high-def porn shipment to arrive, I decided to watch one show stocked with celebrities to see how they looked. That lucky show was Idol Gives Back…

Since xTian and Evil are always talking about quality and about the high level of standard for The Hose, I found myself with the urge to do a recap in the spirit of Evil’s movie reviews or xTian’s live blogging about the Grammys (little secret between you and me, they are usually done from his bathroom)…

I wanted to get a feel for their style. You know, get the right amount of lameness so besides reading their stuff, I also read some of KillerB’s posts. I immediately fell asleep (reason why I am posting this today instead of last night). I didn’t get to finish watching the show live but thank goodness for my DVR. Is there anything that baby can’t do?

Anyway, below is my recap of Idol Gives Back. Please note that this is done in an Evil/xTian mindset….

-Show starts with some dancers, some of whom are amazingly hot. I wonder where they are from…People always have the hots for dancers. Think that they are going to move the same way when they are in bed. That is simply not true. I can’t dance for crap but I am a tiger in bed….grrrrrrr!!!! Idols are on the side of the stage. They clearly can’t compete with the dancers.

-They bring Nascar Champion Jimmy Johnson…good thing they tell me who he is because otherwise I would have been lost. Perhaps they should have told me he drives the Lowe’s car…

-George Lopez is trying to raise money from the Latino viewing audience. It is very unlikely that if you speak only Spanish, you will be watching American Idol. You are most likely watching Pasion, the tale of a woman who falls in love with the pirate that kidnapped her in XVIII Mexico. This is of course not true if you are a self-hating Latino like xTian.

-Kylie Minogue comes onstage….is she still a celebrity? She must have a new album coming out…

-Mariah Shriver goes on about how we are the ones we are waiting for. Reminds me of Obama and all his Obama-rama-ding-dongs…Anyway, she was wearing one of those blouses that under unusual or harsh lighting become see through. I was waiting for an Alex Kerry moment...and I have no idea why since I don’t think she is pretty. Oh wait, I know…ta-tas are ta-tas!!!

-Ben Stiller. I had a friend just like Ben Stiller’s character in Zoolander. I wonder what ever happened to him. One day he just stopped calling and writing. What’s even weirder is I still stay in touch with some of his sisters. They send me pictures, throw a sheep at me every so often on Facebook and give me the occasional life update (marriage, kids, etc) but no word whatsoever on their brother…I think Balls even sent him some pics of Baby Balls and still got no response…

-Jennifer Connely – I think she is so hot. Her eyebrows kind of freak me out so if we were to have sex, I would so avoid the face money shot. Oh by the way, she talks about getting clean drinking water for Africans…

-Snoop Dog performs with Charlie Wilson (don’t know who he is) – I love me some Snoopy Dog…guy is/was a hard core rapper…does a porno video but still comes across like a family man. I wonder if that diamond studded microphone is for real or if he has someone from his entourage just to bedazzle stuff…

-Kobe Bryant with probably huge zit on his face asks for money. Is he still married to Vanessa? I vaguely remember her being kind of hot…

-Triple H – Wrestling guy is a blast from the past. It makes me think back in the day when I shared an apt with xTian and Balls. You would not believe the girlish screams from xTian every time the Rock came on stage. And don’t forget about Balls. He would say over and over again “Can you smell what the Rock is cooking?”

-Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson - She looks short. If I were to have sex with her, I would really have to fight my deeply ingrained desire to partake in a game of midget tossing…They are talking about obese children which is funny given Randy’s hefty size. He seems to have lost some weight though…

-Carrie Underwood, Teri Hatcher and some plumber guy who is supposed to be her husband (Desperate Housewives?) – Didn’t watch American Idol the season Carrie Underwood won so I am not emotionally vested. She is kind of hot. Not my type though. I used to like Teri Hatcher back in the day when she was Lois. Teri goes onstage to sing with the Band from TV. I thought it was a joke and that Carrie Underwood was going to come out and sing but they are actually a band. Her breasts kept bouncing….they look real and they look spectacular – looks like she didn’t have any makeup though. She looks really old.

-Who the heck is Mary Murphy? Why is she so annoying? Reminds me of Evil….

-Don’t know who the Jonas brothers are! Are they the new Hanson? MMMBop!!!

-I don’t watch the Disney Channel but it seems that Miley Cyrus is pretty popular. Miley Cyrus and Billy Crystal have a schtick that goes on forever. I walk away to make myself a grilled cheese sandwich (hmmm, cheese) and they are still going back and forth…She sings something…

-Now they go to the studio where the Idols are manning the phones. They have Syesha Mercado front and center. She is remarkably cute given how ugly her folks are...it seems kids of mixed race always pick up the best traits of their parents. I had a huge crush on an Euroasian chick back in college. I have moved on…Anyway, Syesha lives in Miami so I will see if I track her down…maybe she can introduce me to Kristy Lee Cook or Carly Smithson.

-Bono comes on and talks about AIDS. He says they need more money. Who is he again? That guy should keep his glasses on…his eyes are freaking me out!

-Julianne Moore comes on asking for money. I have a thing for red heads and thought she was hot but my brand new TV shows her lip wrinkles. It leads me to count them as if they were tree rings and become quite the huge turnoff…

-Fergie comes out with John Legend. Never thought she was hot and the high def shows her with hairy arms. I am very choosy and I have a thing regarding hairy arms…this takes Fergie out of contention.

-Heart comes out. I don’t know a lot about pop culture and have no clue who they are. Fergie joins them in some leather pants. The whole time was spent looking for camel toe…

-John Cena is another wrestling dude. In the background, there was video of him in his wrestling glory. For the record, I was only looking checking his shirtless body to compare muscles.

-They are back to the studio where the Idols are manning the phones. I am thinking about donating so I can have phone sex with Amanda Overmyer.

-Adam sandler looks like he is 40…that guy is falling apart…at least comb your hair. He reminds me of xTian (the falling apart part).

-Peyton and Eli Maning talk about New Orleans. I can’t say anything about Eli…the guy wins a Super Bowl for my New York Giants while slaying the Patriots. Suck it Boston!!!

-Damn that high definition signal. David Beckman is flawless. I guess there is something to say for metrosexuality (are Metrosexuals still around? Do they prefer a different name? Hey xTian, let me know)…Victoria on the other hand is as skinny as a toothpick and her big head is not proportionate to her body…reminds me of xTian as well…

-Annie Lenox is crying on a video and then comes onstage to sing like nothing happened. I have no idea who she was so I googled her. “Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This).” Woooooo! Now I know…

-Kiefer Sutherland – Love me Jack Bauer. Besides, I can’t say anything about him…that guy will track me down and waterboard me…by the way, who is down to go watch Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay?

-A clip of Celine Dion in Africa…that woman is all bones…I think some of the money will go to feed her…

- Jimmy Kimmel – He starts making fun of Simon and his man boobs. I see that guy and think of Sarah Silverman. I think she would be a wild cat in bed with all the cursing and bad language…

-They cut to a montage of Simon Cowell in NYC in a medical mobile that provides assistance to children without health insurance…Nothing to add here except that they could have used a more photogenic family…They cut back to him on the studio asking for money.

-Carrie Underwood goes onstage. As stated before, I never saw an episode from her season so I probably have only seen her 2-3 times on TV. Know some of her songs though. A LOT of close ups. I guess they know who they can zoom in with high def…

-Whoppi Goldberg asks for money. I noticed the tattoo by her breast…I wonder if she has a tramp stamp too…

-Ellen Degeneres pretends to be Oprah asking for money…

-Gloria Estefan comes out with Sheila E on drums (no clue who the latter is). I remember one time Gloria was one of the mentors and I think it was one of the worst shows ever. Sheila E knocks down the cymbals so just stays with the drums for the rest of the set

-Speak of the devil, there is Sarah Silverman. She is not that pretty but still willing to try the sex thingie. Also, malaria is not funny!

-Now we cut to Forrest Whitaker and his wife with a story about a little girl with malaria. Mosquito nets to prevent…is that so hard? Ooh….the Prime Minister of Great Britain Gordon Brown pledges to purchase 20 million mosquito nets for Africa…impressive but disappointing at the same time because all these governments pledge money and they fail to follow thru. Not to say anything about George W. Bush but I am always impressed at how eloquently British politicians speak. I need to double check if CSPAN still carry parliamentary debates…

-Keith Urban asks for money…

-Reese Witherspoon…I loved her on Election…she has a very pointy chin though…will have to deduct a point…

-The Idols perform “Seasons of Love.” Only reason I know it is because I recently saw the movie version of Rent. Has anyone seen Kids, Rosario Dawson’s first movie? Hard core stuff….I digress though…

-Dane Cook comes on…I never thought this guy was funny…I don’t understand how some people become famous and make tons of money while I toil day to day to make ends meet…

-Alicia Keys is in Africa. She is hot…man, I sound like Paris Hilton…

-Ashley Tisdale and Vanessa Hudgens come on TV asking for money. Apparently, they are from the movie High School Musical. It seems I am missing a whole demographic. Time to start watching Disney….

-Speaking of Disney, Miley is back…does she have a new CD coming out? The whole show was about her…I think she stole Fergie’s pants….and Evil, she is 15…don’t go checking for camel toe…

-There is a montage of Billy Ray and Miley in rural Kentucky...Don’t go breaking my achy breaky heart….that guy is smart….riding the gravy train once again!!!

-Robin Williams comes out as the winner of Russian Idol…Is he trying to be Yakov Smirnoff? Simon is not amused…Neither am I!

-Rob Schneider – another comedian asking for money…

-Tyra Banks – does anybody watch her show besides xTian? By the way, “giving to charity is “fierce”

-David Spade – Hahaha….his whole 10 seconds onstage was to introduce Brad Pitt…reminds me of xTian and Evil’s relationship…

-They kept announcing Brad Pitt for the past 2 months, and all he did was to be on a short clip about Katrina for about 3 seconds…Besides, Katrina is so 2 years ago…Yes we know, Bush doesn’t care about black people…

-Brad Pitt comes onstage and got huge cheers. His mike didn’t work …more cheers...waiting to get a new one…okay…what is he going to say? He goes on to introduce Chris Daughtry who is then shown in a video of himself in Uganda…

That’s it…seems “Idol Gives Back” when longer than its allotted 2 ½ hours and my Tivo stopped recording…

Besides, all this typing should have pushed my enemies' posts beyond the first page...

PR Announcement - A Measured Response

It’s with great sadness that we announce a dramatic shift in the direction of the Hose.

For a long time, The Hose has been about the trials and tribulations of a core group of friends. Originally, it started with xTian then we added Evil, then Manolo. That was a core. That stood for something, as long as we had that we would be ok.

As we grew the Hose grew. Soon, things got completely out of hand. We were joined by conspiracy theorists (The Mamacita), an animal (Bruno) and celebrities (Dr. Cosby). It was great. We were building momentum. However, many people who came also went. Some due to personality clashes (we miss you Sleeve) some because we had no idea who they were (Rina?). This is different. This is new. Today, we say goodbye to a member of our core, Manolo.

Manolo was, for a time, an inspired contributor. Well, he posted often and could spell, that counts in this business. Things were good. Then, he got "busy", whatever the hell that means. Evil and I jut got tired of carrying the load. We found this a tough decision to come to. We agonized. We knew it was necessary but were looking for an out, looking to respect old covenants. We went as far as to put it up to referendum. We let you, the fastidious forty fans vote. Maybe you could bring him back to the fold?

No response, not a word till this random declaration of war. That’s fine. Have your war. We battle. Bring your dancing shoes bitch.

So he's gone. That's it. Clean break.

We’re moving on. Evil aside, The Hose is first and foremost about quality. We think KillerB is a huge upgrade. First off, he posts. Secondly he’s brilliant. What’s not to love?

To Manolo- we say "Thank you. That was nice for a while. We hope the door doesn't hit you on your way out."

Many thanks,

Evil and xTian