Evil

BE HONEST!

I just heard that John Kerry tore his right rotator cuff. The articles says that he tore it while campaigning in Iowa. C'mon now. What does that even mean? Take it from someone who has firsthand knowledge: Mr. Shoulders. There are only two ways to tear your right rotator cuff:

1. Throwing too many 98mph fastballs
2. Well... you know

Baseball is your favorite co-dependant ex-girlfriend

It's baseball season again! HooRay! That's great! I love baseball, its means summer and peanuts and openning day and "root root root for the hometeam" and box scores and crazy stats (OPS? Holds? what? who?) and fantasy league.

Baseball is great, I love baseball right up until the first pitch. After that it's all down hill. There is no where to go, but down. You ate your hotdog, you got indigestion. You're mets fan, and somehow you are ten game out 4 games into the season. You're a yankee fan and with every loss you're worried about Jeter getting traded to the Orioles for a bag of peanuts and Brady Andersen. Somehow, 1 game into the season your fantasy team is 15th out of 16th. Its just not fair.

I mean has anyone sat in Yankee Stadium in mid July, Its hot and people are crazy! Who needs it, the sweat and the smell and the $6 dollar icey treats.

But you'll all be back next April....

Air America

Air America is starting on March 31st tomorrow. Check this website for air times and where to find it on the dial.

Evil

BETTER THAN THE SPICE CHANNEL

The WWE is launching a 24 hour wrestling channel? Woooo! Even better, the channel will be like ESPN Classic. I'll be able to sit in my underwear and watch Hulk Hogan and Andrew the Giant vs. King Kong Bundy and Big John Studd. And then some vintage footage of Superfly Jimmy Snuka vs. Rowdy Roddy Piper. Damn, I am pumped up.

Evil

WEEKEND AT BIGHEAD'S

Traveling for work is sucky, but the one cool thing is staying the weekend in California. I was pumped for the weekend because baby, I had big plans. Unfortunately, my Well Profiled Friend cancelled her CA weekend trip sort of last minute. Oh well. I wasn't going to let that stop me from having a kick ass weekend tho. Enter Plan B. Unfortunately, my little PhD friend from Berkeley cancelled also because it's the start of spring break and she decided that she'd rather go camping in Joshua Tree than hang with me. No matter, because I am a dynamic person. Enter Plan C. Unfortunately, My Maniacally Overworked Friend (MMOW) cancelled because she's tied up with a new product launch. Damn. What now?

I had two choices for Plan D: sit in my hotel room and cry -or- hang with Big Head in the East Bay. It came down to a coin flip and the coin said to hang with Big Head, so hang with Big Head it was.

Clownery started on Friday night. First up: Golden State Warrors vs. Houston Rockets. The arena was nearly packed and 80% of the people were there for the visiting team. That's right: Charles Oakley in a Rockets uniform. (Mark Jackson too! Jeff Van Gundy and Patrick Ewing on the coaching staff!) Too bad Oak only played 20 seconds. 0 points, 0 boards, 0 assists, but a whole lot of toughness. You can't put toughness in the box score.

After the game, we went in search of food. Someone decided that Korean would be a good idea. After putting away 13 little appetizer dishes, 1 bi bim bop, 1 spicy chicken bbq, 1 bulgogi, and 1 fish and egg dish, all parties admitted to having an unhealthy relationship with food. We then proceeded to look for bubble tea as a dessert and actually found a place, but the asians in there gave us dirty stares so we blew outta there.

Back at Big Head's Oakland Hills estate, we watch Sportscenter and promptly pass out from either exhaustion, food guilt, or both.

Saturday morning: two guys stagger to the driving range. One guy is wearing a giant coffee stain on his shirt. The other guy is wearing a tshirt with cutoff sleeves and showing some big guns. The dude in the pro shop gives us a squinty stare. This is what happens when two ill-dressed dudes show up at a posh golf club. Whatever. I go to the ball machine and proceed to dispense 100 balls directly onto the ground. (Damn! Forgot the bucket!) Balls go bouncing and scattering everywhere. A guy with a stained shirt and another guy with a cutoff T are running around chasing golf balls. Everyone at the range turns and shoots glares of disgust. No one asks us to leave, which is a win in itself.

Back at the Estate, we watch School of Rock on DVD and I have an internal monologue about making a porn parody called School of Cock. It would involve young girls in private school uniforms. Now that's a winner!

Unfortunately, I had to leave Sunday afternoon and miss some grilling action at the Estate. Big Head apparently has a gay hanger-on who chills at the estate in exchange for certain services, like cooking and preparing a very involved marinade for grilled ribs.

I'm just going to trail off now and pretend that I actually wrote an ending....

I think Sleeve was going to proposition Beniot Benjamin in the same way!

Sopranos Recap

David Chase is challenging us. He's challenging us to continue watching The Sopranos and he redefines the notion of television pacing. Last night we were given hour two of his attempt to set up the entire season. A new character, Tony B was introduced and then played for comedy. There was about 20 minutes of dialogue. It was really frustrating.

Evil

Joss Stone, will you marry me?

Evil

Outdated Book Review

The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay by Michael Chabon


The author of Wonder Boys apparently took the world by storm six years ago with this prototypical great American novel. At the time I was too far into the grips of self loathing to notice or do anything about it. I remember reading a lot of Camus and lying down a lot. (SHOUT OUT TO EVIL)

Sam Klayman (later Clay) is laying in bed one night minding his own business, when his mother walks into the room shoves him aside in his own bed and introduces him to his cousin Joseph Kavalier, a trained escape artist who managed to escape the Nazis and get to New York. The two cousins quickly strike up a friendship and convince Sam's boss (a woopie cushion maker) to get into the comic book business. From this lush backdrop we get it all, a view into the jewish experience during the 1940s, the second world war, Gollems, the Kevaufner Hearings during the 1950s, repressed homosexuality and of course comic books (yah!). Sam and Joe leverage their marginal fame into meeting people from Orson Wells to Salvador Dali. Joe even manages to fall in love with a member of the Saks family before he leaves it all to enlist and fight in World War 2.

I managed to read the whole book on the flight to and from Atlanta in about 2 days. Check it out..

Evil

To the posters on this site: please start posting more so that I can stop sharing stories about my scrotum. Unless of course, you like that sort of thing.

Evil

HOT IN THE CROTCH

Ever have a habenero pepper? Lemme tell you, these babies are HOT. How hot, you ask? Well, I was slicing some of these up and apparently, I also mistakenly touched my scrotum while having pepper residue on my fingers. DUDE, my crotch is on fire right now. This stuff doesn't even wash off. What should I do???

Evil

HELP WANTED

Hey XTIAN, my nephew noticed the help wanted sign that you posted for becoming a writer on this blog. Dude, that kid meets all the requirements, man. And he's only 14 months old! He's got a lifetime of emotional closed-offness, struggles with food, and emotional scarring ahead of him. You wanna get in on the ground floor here. This kid is gonna be a star. Attached is evidence that he meets the requirements:

"Emotionall closed off": This is a pic of me and him hanging out. We literally keep each other at arm's lenght. Also notice the giant box of Veniero's in the foreground. I sat there and ate no less than 1 dozen mini canolis. (Hey, they were mini!) I think some of that rubbed off on the kid. See next pic...

"Unhealthy relationship with food": No futher commentary needed.

"Emotional scarring due to underloving parents": This is a pic of new nephew and his dad. Apprently, in that household, a crying baby is not really a crying baby. Instead, a crying baby is an excellent shield against the paparazzi.

So apparently the New Sopranos' poster is supposed to be an homage to The Raft of the Medusa a painting by Theodore Ge'ricault. The painting depicts the story of the Medusa a ship that ran into problems on the way to the Port of St. Louis in Senegal, apparently due to a slightly overbearing captain, continued to the point where certain crew members were throw overbored or chopped to bits, and ended with members of the crew on a raft, resorting to Cannibalism.



Crazy internet rumor? maybe...but you have to admit there is something to be said for the parrallels in the story.

Evil

SCUMBAG MOVE

EVIL: dude, go apply for the apprentice 2

Manolo: lets roll

EVIL: i am not kidding
EVIL: you are a shoo in
EVIL: you'll win that thing
EVIL: plus you are ethnic
EVIL: they need you

Manolo: why? because of my rugged good looks

EVIL: that show it too whitebread

Manolo: lol
Manolo: i haven't seen the last two...have them on tape
Manolo: don't spoil anything

EVIL: how many times during a season do i have to listen to "i'm just a good ol country boy from boise idaho"

EVIL: omarosa gets fired
EVIL: HAHA

Manolo: fuck u

EVIL: have a good weekend :-)

Evil

OLD SCHOOL

Michael Powell has been in the news a lot lately. He's the FCC chairman and there's this whole uproar about Janet Jackson's boobie and Howard Stern.

For yucks, go check out this dude's page on the FCC website.

DUDE, that is sooo old school. The only thing that page is missing is making reference to "my little corner of the Internet." Oh, and maybe links to some of his favorite sites, like espnnet.sportszone.com and the SGI homepage, featuring the Silicon Surfer character.

Evil

UNWANTED




Poor Marcellus Wiley (CC'98). Just three years ago, he signed the richest contract of all time for a defensive player. Now he's kicked to the curb. No wonder he's looking beat. Rough patch.

Evil

OVERHEARD...

Someone on the other side of my cube wall should try to be more aware of what she says out loud. Overheard just now:

"The cockroach crawled right up my crotch!"

LADY, this is a professional work environment. And yikes, what kinds of disrepair has your crotch fallen into that you now have pest problems down there???

I went to vote today in the primary, more important than deciding who was more charismatic (Kerry vs. Edwards) I felt compelled to weigh in on the California (Kah-LEE-Four-NYA) budget crisis. The governor ( who i think is being incredibly aggressive trying to get things done, for good or bad, its hard to say) has been heavily supporting Prop 57-58 which are inexplicably tied together, the gist being, a bond to bail Kah-LEE-Four-NYA out of its budget crisis in the short term and basicaly refinance it all ( I am oversimplifying yes, so feel free to yell at me, but its late and whatever). I voted yes on these props but almost wanted a little dialogue box where I could suggest some alternatives or complain about my options.

Here's my deal:

I get the point that mortgaging future is not the way to go and how in the long run that does not help anyone. But gosh, why would I vote against this refinancing. If I do vote against it, its not like some politician is going to grow a backbone, make a tough choice and raise taxes. NO, they would never do that, there are re-election campaigns to run. This stuff is going to come out of necessary services which I generally think we don't have enough of.

I run around Lake Merritt sometimes and honestly, its the prettiest part of Oakland. Really nice, about 3 miles in perimeter. Unfortunately, one cannot run around there without being accosted by the some f*cked up homeless guy. My heart breaks for them, because they are clearly slow or demented or sometimes it seems both. I asked someone how all these guys congregate around the lake and what I was told was that some time ago, a mental hospital just kind of closed and let all these people go. Damn! I have no idea how true it is, regardless there is a problem. These people aren't being served, clearly no one is rounding them up and taking them somewhere to get help so clearly there is a service here that should be rendered.

Let's not even touch, schools. That's a whole other issue. Anyway, I don't know what the right answer is, but I felt like I was backed into voting for this thing.

Evil

OUTDATED MOVIE REVIEW

Seems that The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King has been getting a lot of buzz lately. Well, I saw it, and if you haven't seen it yet... dont bother unless you have some sort of homo midget fetish. This movie should really be called The Gaylord of the Rings or something. Remember in the mid 1980's when kids used to run around and call each other "gaylord"? That was hilarious stuff. Why did that term fall out of favor? For that matter, why did terms like "doofus" and "dickweed" disappear from the popular venacular? Booooo...

Anyway, back to the movie... in this film, we follow our heros Frodo and Sam as they go on some sort of "journey" together. Sam is in love with Frodo, but Frodo is a heartless little bitch and all he cares about is the bling bling. To complicate matters, there is this weird love triangle involving a computer generated animation. I just don't get why Sam and Frodo bother so much with a CG character. Don't they know that he goes away once they power down the computers?

I sort of feel bad for Sam because he's the "loyal pal" who's not-so-secretly in love with his friend. At eight different times during this movie, I thought that Sam and Frodo were going to either tongue kiss or have a full-on bitch fight.

Parents be warned: there are sexually suggestive scenes in this movie and not really suitable for kids. In the cave scene, Frodo gets his ass kicked by a big spider and is left for dead. Sam, trusty as ever, comes along to save Frodo by peeling away the spider webs from his buddy and then undresses him altogether. Gay midget sex is one thing (some of my best friends are gay midgets!), but gay midget necrophelia is crossing the line!

My favorite scene is probably when Frodo comes back after dropping the ring in the volcano and he wakes up in a bed back in his home village. This scene makes deft use of porn lighting, you know, the soft white lighting effect. Frodo looks toward the door and Sam comes skipping in and jumps on the bed and the two hobbits hug and frollick. (It reminds me a little of X-TIAN and SCP from back in the old days, but that's neither here nor there.)

To be honest, I don't remember 90% of the movie because it was so ass long. At one point, I lost circulation in my butt cheeks and didn't know what to do with myself.

Despite the overall gayness of this movie, I am sort of pumped up about the 4th installment of the LOTR trilogy. I hear that the next movie actually stars our own Mr. Shoulders. I remember in college when XTIAN, Mr. Shoulder, KenTak3, and I used to get together for study groups. Inevitably, the first thing to happen is that Mr. Shoulders would take off his shoes. DUDE, that guy has big hairy toes. Have you ever tried to do graph isomorphism while staring at some kid's big hairy toes?

Evil

I am soooo Gellin'. Damn, I wish I had bought these gels 2 years ago. Then maybe I would have never gone thru that rough patch.

Cross Marketing

I did an Oscar recap for my friend's site, Randomtica.com.

You can read it here.

Evil

VH1 – KICKIN' IT OLD SCHOOL

Has anyone watched VH1 lately? I cancelled my cable 2 years ago – in the midst of my rough patch – so I haven't been up to date on the cable scene. But I've started going to the gym recently and noticed that there's some pretty kick-ass programming on VH1.

They don't show music videos anymore, so if you thought I was going to write about Richard Marx and Lionel Ritchie… wait, I just lost that train of thought. Anyway, there was this one show that pondered, "What if minorities ruled the world?" They asked compelling questions like, "What ethnicity are Bert and Ernie?" My initial reaction was, DUH, Bert is Dominican and Ernie is Mexican. CMON, that's a no-brainer. But then I thought to myself, Wait, I haven't seen too many Dominican/Mexican gay male couplings. Which made me change my mind and say that Bert and Ernie are both white preppy gays. I mean, Bert has this weird pigeon "hobby" and you know how gay male couples do weird things with their money. BTW- the marketers already know this. Marketing targeted at gay males typically has the best ROI out there, owing to the fact that gay male couples have the highest disposable income of all households. Two male, white-collar salaries. Think about that.

(On a side note: What ethnicity is Animal? I always thought that Animal was Albanian, or some other flavor of Eastern European, like maybe Romanian, or more likely, Azerbaijani. Can't you just see that? Animal is that crazy dude from Eastern Block Europe who has only the most rudimentary command of the English language, yet, he gets smashed at the local pub and is the life of the party. Plus, he smells slightly of BO.)

Another great show on VH1 is "I love the 80's". Man, that show ROCKS! They bring back all the old music and celebrities of the 80's and it reminds me of the good old days. They even bring back the toys of the 80's, which is the most kick-ass part. Remember Hungry Hungry Hippos? Woooo! Cabbage Patch Kids? For the record, I never had a Cabbage Patch Kid but I hear that Big Head had five of them. Remember the Glow Worm? Damn, that's old school.

Thinking of the 80's makes me happy and sad at the same time. Things were simple back then, but then again, things were complex. All I really wanted in the 4th grade was to get a HJ in the back row of the school bus from the red-headed, freckled girl who had to avoid direct sunlight at all cost or risk burning up like a protesting Tibetan monk. Funny what they say about "The more things change…" You know the rest. Today, in 2004, all I'm trying to do is to get a HJ in the exit row of a California to New York flight. The chick sitting in my row is not cooperating.

Peter Jackson Again? Best Picture? What? THis show sucks I'm going to bed. I cant deal with this.

Evil just downed a handful of valium and chased it with a fifth of vodka. He might be done tooo...