The Hose

Evil

VH1 – KICKIN' IT OLD SCHOOL

Has anyone watched VH1 lately? I cancelled my cable 2 years ago – in the midst of my rough patch – so I haven't been up to date on the cable scene. But I've started going to the gym recently and noticed that there's some pretty kick-ass programming on VH1.

They don't show music videos anymore, so if you thought I was going to write about Richard Marx and Lionel Ritchie… wait, I just lost that train of thought. Anyway, there was this one show that pondered, "What if minorities ruled the world?" They asked compelling questions like, "What ethnicity are Bert and Ernie?" My initial reaction was, DUH, Bert is Dominican and Ernie is Mexican. CMON, that's a no-brainer. But then I thought to myself, Wait, I haven't seen too many Dominican/Mexican gay male couplings. Which made me change my mind and say that Bert and Ernie are both white preppy gays. I mean, Bert has this weird pigeon "hobby" and you know how gay male couples do weird things with their money. BTW- the marketers already know this. Marketing targeted at gay males typically has the best ROI out there, owing to the fact that gay male couples have the highest disposable income of all households. Two male, white-collar salaries. Think about that.

(On a side note: What ethnicity is Animal? I always thought that Animal was Albanian, or some other flavor of Eastern European, like maybe Romanian, or more likely, Azerbaijani. Can't you just see that? Animal is that crazy dude from Eastern Block Europe who has only the most rudimentary command of the English language, yet, he gets smashed at the local pub and is the life of the party. Plus, he smells slightly of BO.)

Another great show on VH1 is "I love the 80's". Man, that show ROCKS! They bring back all the old music and celebrities of the 80's and it reminds me of the good old days. They even bring back the toys of the 80's, which is the most kick-ass part. Remember Hungry Hungry Hippos? Woooo! Cabbage Patch Kids? For the record, I never had a Cabbage Patch Kid but I hear that Big Head had five of them. Remember the Glow Worm? Damn, that's old school.

Thinking of the 80's makes me happy and sad at the same time. Things were simple back then, but then again, things were complex. All I really wanted in the 4th grade was to get a HJ in the back row of the school bus from the red-headed, freckled girl who had to avoid direct sunlight at all cost or risk burning up like a protesting Tibetan monk. Funny what they say about "The more things change…" You know the rest. Today, in 2004, all I'm trying to do is to get a HJ in the exit row of a California to New York flight. The chick sitting in my row is not cooperating.