Maine attractions (get it?)

Catjjy and I are ditching The Cha this weekend and heading to Maine for a wedding. He is very broken up about it, but we are excited about seeing the Killer B’s.

In researching establishments to hit while we are there, Killer B 1 came across a topless donut shop. It is actually part of a strip club, but it is open from 6am to 11am. Presumably, you buy the donuts from topless girls. This raises a host of questions.

Toplessness is generally a good thing, when applied to attractive women (like the readers of this blog). Donuts are certainly a good thing. Combining the two just might be brilliant. Consumers have shown a willingness to buy their coffee in an attractive Starbucks coffeeshop, even though the exact same Starbucks brew is available for $1 less at the gas station. Will people pay $1.50/donut at the topless place, versus $0.50/donut at the regular donut store? And if so, do you have the most profitable donut store ever?

Or does the whole thing fall apart when you combine toplessness and food service? Are we all a bit squeamish about half naked people handling our food? And perhaps more importantly, do you lose the interest of your audience when you replace the highly-engineered titillation of a strip club at midnight with the mundane everydayness of an operating donut shop at 7am? Is the same topless girl just as sexy doing a pole dance to throbbing R. Kelly beats as she is, say, sweeping up the area where someone dropped a tray full of bearclaws?

I suspect Catjjy and Killer B 2 will veto an early morning run to this particular donut shop, but we will try to get our friend The Cock to check it out and report back. In the meantime, are there any other business models whose profitability could be greatly enhanced by simply removing the employees’ shirts?

Manolo Orders Some Chinese Food

I just finished a late lunch from Canton Chinese Restaurant. When I order chinese, I usually end up ordering the same thing (General Tso's or Shredded Beef)...

Anyway, today I ended up ordering the General Tso's lunch combination (hot/sour soup & pork fried rice). After finishing, I dutifully went for my fortune cookie. I always follow protocol and add the "in bed" part to whatever fortune I get...

I opened my fortune cookie and there was no fortune...

The question is...since I had no fortune, does the "IN BED" part applies or is it a wash...I hope is the latter because even though it may be true, it is still somewhat sad to say:

Manolo has no fortune in bed.

Manolo’s Homemade Tomato Sauce Recipe

Hey DullerBiatch…Thanks for the tip. I got the job!!! I am getting $4.16 per post. Money will be coming in via Paypal so I don't even have to go to the bank…Wooooo!!!!

Anyway, I spent this whole weekend cutting up tomatoes. You see, I was working on my first post for TomatoCasual (Everything Tomato for People Who Love Tomatoes). My recipe is being reviewed but in the meantime, I decided to cross post to the Hose for your reading pleasure.

Manolo's Homemade Tomato Sauce Recipe

Ingredients

1/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil

1 large onion, peeled, coarsely chopped (2 cups)

1 large carrot or 2 small carrots, peeled, coarsely chopped (about 3/4 cup)

3 garlic cloves, peeled, finely chopped

5 large tomatoes, coarsely chopped (4 cups) or 2 (28-ounce) cans whole tomatoes, drained, coarsely chopped

2 tablespoons tomato paste

Coarse sea salt to taste

Freshly ground black pepper to taste

DullerBiatch’s head

Instructions:

In a large heavy skillet, heat the olive oil over medium-high heat. Saute the onion and carrot for 2 to 3 minutes, reduce the heat to medium, cover and sweat the vegetables over medium heat for about 25 minutes or until soft and golden.

Add the garlic, stir well, cover and sweat for 5 minutes more or until softened. Add the tomatoes and tomato paste. Add DullerBiatch’s head. Bring to a boil, reduce the heat to medium-low and simmer, uncovered, for about 10 minutes to blend the flavors.

Push the cooked sauce through a food mill or blend in a food processor and push through a sturdy, small-holed strainer into a large bowl. Add salt and pepper to taste.

The sauce can be cooled and stored in the refrigerator for up to 1 week or frozen up to 3 months.

Yield: 8 servings

P.S.- You can also try Giada De Laurentiis recipe. It seems she LOVES tomatoes too...

Successfully Self-Defeating

Evil

I ran 6 miles with Evil Twin #2 yesterday. I haven't done 6 miles in probably a year. Big win! Right? Well, yes -- completing the run was a big win. But what I did afterwards was not. Here's the sequence of events:

- Run 6 miles
- Shower
- Eat a giant plate of pasta
- Food coma... pass out on couch for 3 hours
- Wake up, drink two glasses of wine
- Go grocery shopping
- Make and eat 4 burgers

Who eats 4 burgers in one sitting?! Apparently, me. :(

Mid-Oscar update

Evil

I just finished eating an entire roast chicken. I've had 4 glasses of sparkling wine. And I'm ironing my dress shirts for the upcoming work week. The Oscars are riveting. I might go eat 4 tangerines during the next segment.

Critical Update

Evil

For dinner tonight: half a bar of dark chocolate. For dessert: self-reflection. Contemplating my own sadness. Watching Pats-Colts game in the background. Not sure what to do now.

Is This A Problem?

Evil

It seems that I no longer like to drink wine out of a wine glass. Instead, I find it much more fun to drink wine out of a tumbler! Is this a problem?

Has This Ever Happened To You?

Evil

1. Think to self, "Oooh! I'm going to have some of that great cheese I have in the fridge!"

2. Go to fridge. Open fridge door. Look around for cheese and don't find it.

3. Finally remember that you ate the ENTIRE BLOCK of cheese last night while either drunk or very, very sleepy.

Sometimes I Feel Like This Guy

Evil



Today, especially. (But at least I'm not alone, according to this article.)

Potentially Bad News

Evil

I think I might be pregnant. My tummy keeps getting bigger and bigger.

Hi People

Evil

- Floyd Landis is innocent. The thing they're trying to do to him is a travesty.

- Big Head and I had burgers and beer together a couple of days ago.

- What's with all the flash floods in NYC this summer? Is the end of the world near?

- Why are Manolor's posts so mysterious? (BTW Manolo, it's not surprising that a girl wouldn't notice if you kissed her. I've heard that girls don't even notice when you penetrate.)

- I'm so chubby now that doing ordinary things is more difficult. For example, tying my shoelaces.

- I've recently noticed that I'm smelly. It's disturbing.

Quote of the Day

Evil

I (briefly) saw my parents today. My mom said to me, "If you've been working out, how come you're still so chubby?" Thanks, mom.

Gluttony

Evil

I bought a bag of tangerines today. I've already eaten 6 of them. I might finish the other 6 before the day is through!

Sacrifice

Evil




I've never really had to give up anything before. I guess that's the good part about not having much to start with. I remember when I was 7, I REALLY wanted that Transformer... the one that transforms from a panther into a cassette tape. One day, my mom and I walked past it -- all shiny and on display in a toy store window -- and I was instantly paralyzed by the feeling of Want. But despite all my curbside pleading and hystrionics, my mom refused to buy it for me. Looking back, I can really appreciate that incident because it basically flushed the feeling of Want clear out of my mind. And now that I think about it, I sorta suspect that my mom didn't have the money to buy it for me, even if she wanted to. Maybe my mom was being a wise parent, or maybe she was just poor. Or maybe both. Maybe one day I'll ask her.

So anyway, that "never really had to give up anything before" thing is about to change. My doc called me today with results from my physical and she suggested I give up the fatty, high cholesterol foods. She rattled off some examples: Eggs ("No sweat, I don't even eat that stuff," I was thinking in my head), Butter ("HAH! I never touch that stuff"), Red Meat, especially Steak ("I'd have to actually leave my apartment to get a steak. No danger."), Cheese ("NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! For the love of God, please. PLEASE don't make me give up the cheese!")

I'll be honest: at any given point, I usually have 3 to 5 different cheeses in my fridge. You know, some Nevat always goes well with the crisp summer white wines. GOTTA have some Parmigiana-Reggiano to grate on pasta. Ooooh, and Pecorino! I could sit around all night, slicing paper-thin little slices of Pecorino... transferring cheese to mouth... cheese to mouth... cheese to mouth.

I guess that's my problem right there.

OK, I'll start eating better. Maybe I'll even lose a bit of this chub! Woooo!

What I Love

Evil

If I had children, my way of showing my displeasure would be to say: "I would trade you in for a wheel of cheese, I swear." I really love cheese. I might love cheese too much.

Emotional and Dietary Yo-Yo

Evil

What I had for dinner today:

* A plate of fried calamari
* A bowl of beef noodle soup
* Pad Thai
* Roasted Duck Curry with a bowl of rice

WTF? What happened?

Eat me, cont'd

Evil

For dinner tonight, I had:

* 3 beers

And when I got home, I sprinkled a few grains of table salt on my tongue because even though I was craving food, I knew I didn't absolutely need to eat. My body just wanted a little taste of salt.

Eat me

I had the strangest dinner tonight:

* 4 carrots, followed by
* some leftover italian sausage in my fridge, followed by
* 6 little pieces of white chocolate
* 2 glasses of milk

Evil

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm just a chubby kid at heart. There are periods in my life when I'm not actually chubby, like in 8th grade where thanks to a growth spurt, I got taller much faster than I got wide, which conveniently stretched me thin. But that didn't last long. And last year, where for no good reason at all, I decided to train for and eventually run a marathon. (Hey, it was a down year.) But here I am now, 20 pound heavier in the time since. When I go pee, I sometimes lift my shirt and rub my round belly a little, just to pass the time. Once it gets a little bigger, I'll be able to rest my arms atop my belly; it'll be like a shelf of sorts. I saw this fat guy do it once and it immediately occurred to me that not having to carrying around the weight of one's arms is Very Convenient indeed!

The main reason why my steady state gravitates toward chubbiness is my inability to eat like a reasonable person. (Some have suggested that the real reason for my chubbiness is Depression, but those are Bad People!) It's especially hard for me because there's always food around the office. We have a makeshift kitchen where I work, so each day, food is brought in and today, we had the best lunch ever because it involved trays and trays of homemade cupcakes! The trays looked endless, with a dozen cupcakes to a tray, all neatly lined, looking moist and soft and overflowing with frosting. For every pair of cupcakes I saw, I had the hardly-controllable urge to go bury my face in between them.

For lunch I was reasonable and had one cupcake. At 1pm, I took a walk to the kitchen to see how many cupcakes were left. There were dozens. I hovered over them, but I didn't take any. At 4pm, I went to visit the cupcakes again. I took a slow stroll pass them and walking in the opposite direction, I noticed a chubby female co-worker doing the same thing! I flashed her a look of disdain, as if to say, Control Yourself, Woman. Show Some Self Respect! I didn't take a cupcake during that visit either, but while walking back to my desk, I did swipe three little bags of Raisinettes and boy were they good.

By 8:30, the office had nearly emptied out... just the usual crew of evening folks around. I bet those people IM the whole fucking day away because why else would they still be at work so late. I sure as hell know that's why I'm there. One guy calls me over to show me a video of him and his friends doing Karaoke this past weekend and I say "Hey, that's cool" but in a way that makes it unambiguously clear to all parties that I really meant to say, "You, sir, are a toolbox." I walk away and decide that I need to pee.

Walk. Walk. Walk. (Toward the bathroom.) Walk. Walk. Walk. DAMMIT! Cleaning lady in the bathroom. Door is blocked off. I can't go pee. Have to go to another floor. OOOOOH. But wait. What is this I see? Sitting peacefully and majestically on the table next to the bathroom is 4 cupcakes -- that is, 4 Perfect Cupcakes -- and they are calling my name. Without thinking, as if overtaken by the chubbiness instinct, a cupcake falls into my clutches and in an instant, I am devouring it. But then -- in an instant and a half, as I'm walking back to my desk with half a cupcake in paws and half a cupcake stuffed in my mouth, I have almost an out of body experience and I see the image of myself as I just described and suddenly I am burdened with Heavy Guilt. I want to cry, but in just another half instant I realized the bigger picture of what just happened...

The cleaning lady. The 4 cupcakes on a plate, right outside the bathroom (not in the kitchen). Those were HER cupcakes! This is a woman who makes $20,000 a year cleaning toilets and she's probably bringing cupcakes home to her kids for all I know, just as a little treat, you know?, because those were damn good cupcakes and there I go, stealing one of her cupcakes and for no good reason, except that I couldn't control myself. The seriousness of the situation settled in quickly. The half of that cupcake still in my paws got stuffed in my mouth, extra quick. I shuffled back to my desk. With pressed shirt sleeves, I wiped my mouth and with much urgency, at that. I sat down. I started to type. When the cleaning lady is done with the bathroom, she will at some point come over to my desk. She will empty the garbage can under my desk. She will smile at me. I will smile back, politely, as if nothing had ever happened.

Evil

I'm out too. Beer #5.