Date or Die: Catharsis

When you told me that you just weren’t “emotionally available for a relationship right now” I had two completely independent reactions

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• In your head, that’s not why you broke up with me. In your head, you just realized that I was no where near as big a d*ck as you initially thought. This makes me less attractive. So basically you just don’t like me. That’s cool. Just say so. I would at least respect your honesty. I don’t like you much either
• You are totally right you are completely and utterly emotionally unavailable. Tragically, it’s the most attractive thing about you

So you are lying to yourself and simultaneously telling me something completely true. That’s amazing. It’s really sad that you are completely unaware that this admission was the most interesting thing about you.

Still. Grow a pair. Tell me what you really think. I'll go first. Here is a list of flaws you have that I would like to go over in the order in which they annoyed me:

1. You are always bored. I can confirm this statistically using the interweb and your various status updates. I got news for you: Usually if a person is bored more than 10% of the time it’s a problem with them. Get a hobby, read a book
2. You don’t give BJ. Who doesn’t do BJ? Maybe if you did, you would be less bored. I hear its a great hobby
   
3. These lines actually worked on you and that’s just embarrassing - “I have no interest in being your friend” and “Let’s go back to your place and play Nintendo Wii”. All excitement is washed away if that’s all I have to do before ripping your clothes off. That’s completely random
4. We seem completely unable to have a conversation. It took me about 3 weeks to notice this. Everyone knows I give good talk…so I am going to lay that one totally on you

Have a nice life. You're a perfectly fine person. I just needed to be a total d*ck today. Thanks

Manolo's Picture of the Week

Can you spot the hipster douche in this picture? Once you spot him, feel free to write your own caption...

The Douche List, teen edition

Would that I could cut this kid some slack, but please. What a douche.
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Tyra Banks interviews the inaugural member of the Teen Douche List.

I'm working on my DeNiro impression

I was proclaiming the imminent shark jumping of 30 Rock, but Alec Baldwin, douche or not (I say not), continues to provide us much viewing pleasure. Last Thursday's episode had a scene that I am still giggling about: Jack Donaghy does Robert DeNiro as an auctioneer.

The Douche List

Nepotism rocks! For my first Hose post, I thought I’d clarify and expound a bit on my earlier comment on a douche list, which for some reason, xTian always shortens as d*, but since I’m a girl, I figure I have full rights to the full name.

So for a long time, I’ve been harboring a trivial annoyance with certain public figures. Now that I’m a Hoser, I’m going to solidify these annoyances into my douche list. It really is only a list of four, but each of these has been thoroughly vetted.

1. Peyton Manning
2. Matt Lauer
3. John Mayer
4. Matthew McConaughey

I puzzled over this some because a) who cares to have an opinion, much less a strong one, about any of these people b) what does one have to do to earn a position on the douche list and c) why are not some obvious candidates not on the douche list, such as Charlie Sheen and Ryan Seacrest? XTian came up with a good starting point, and I will quote him here for purposes of accuracy:

“Limited data here but I think you are reacting to ratio of success/popularity to general lack of personality.

Here's what I mean, Seacrest while kind of annoying is ubiquitous but at the same time he is not taken seriously so he does not raise your douche meter

John Meyer, writer of catchy but unremarkable songs and possessor of inoffensive looks is hooked up with super woman Jennifer Aniston and sells more music than anyone. Thus, Douche Alert!

and on and on.”

This was something to build upon. If we take popularity to be P, and dullness to be D, then a high P/D ratio would indicate placement on the list. There is more to it though, because this does not account for Charlie Sheen and Ryan Seacrest, who are very successful, much more so than their talent would indicate, and also have very boring public personae. I will add to the mix the element of immodesty (I). Peyton Manning is SO annoying because he’s a student of the game. He works hard. He watches tape. He loves football. He pouts when he loses because dammit, he’s a student of the game, he works hard, he watches tape, he loves football. Lots of people work hard. I haven’t watched morning television in some years now, so this may have changed, but I very much dislike Matt Lauer’s interviewing skills. As if 3 minute segments make him an expert on bioethics/economic history/new trends in fashion for spring. He’s like a social studies teacher, just ahead of his audience by 10 minutes but acting with total authority (and I say this as a former social studies teacher).

So let’s revise that equation to be P/D + I = Douche.

I’m not really always snarky. It just seems that way.