Demon Sheep Leaves xTian Confused and Afraid

Can anyone explain this metaphor to me? Who is the dude crawling around in the demon sheep mask? Is it me? Is it Tom Campbell? Is it Carly? Is Carly one of the sheep? Who are the other sheep? Maybe poor people in Oakland? Or angry farmers with no water? Charleton Heston? Am I the demon sheep because I let the state of California give me an MBA and then ran out of Dodge?(Head scratching). This is the worst political ad ever, it has left me confused and afraid.

Full Disclosure: Tom Campbell is a friend of mine. He is. He, L3, Sparks and Mamacita are the only conservative friends I count in the world. I usually only associate with like minded pinko/commies. Back to Tom; a few years ago, we were both affiliated with the most greatest Public Institution Higher Learning Ever Conceived by Man. During my first year, I lived in the I-House and he used to randomly have dinner there several nights a week. More than a few times we would have dinner and he would indulge my leftist views and explain weird laws to me.

And I thought football season was over!

Last night, America's Coach, Rex Ryan reminded us all why we loved him. While getting into it with some fans at an MMA event in Miami last night (featuring Herschel Walker! G*dd*mn), he gave everyone the business.

He then went on the mic and delivered a WWE style promo to the Miami crowd!

Reports indicate that later he consumed 70,0000 calories...

Who's in for HBO's Hard Knocks this summer featuring the NY Jets? (HAND RAISED)

Sunday Coffeehouse - Katy Perry's Cover of MGMT's Electric Feel ( A Decidedly Unelectric Feel)

As you know, I am currently mildly obsessed with Katy Perry and bring her up constantly. During a recent conversation, an infuriated person pointed out to me that this was the most interesting thing she had ever done - a live cover of Electric Feel done accustically for Live Lounge on BBC Radio 1.

I love it...cheers...

Katy Perry: Hot (and attractively b*tchy)

Did anyone catch American Idol last night? I have been DVRing but not watching. After reading some commentary that Katy Perry was a little out of order I decided to check it out. Several quick observations

-Katy Perry is like an anime character brought to life - alabaster skin, huge blue-green eyes, dark hair and about 70% legs. If she were a vampire, I would have lost my pants after about 30 seconds

-Why does she hate Kara? Did Kara stiff her on some song writing royalties? How much are you willing to pay for a porn staring Kara and Katy? Please note, I am too embarrassed to answer this question myself

-Avril Lavigne is motherf8cking weird yo! First off she has very pronounced canines and she was wearing a hoody with horns. WTF?

Liveblogging: Our NFL Championship Sunday Open Thread

Game 1: 3pm - Fatman and Robin invade the Lucas Oil Dome; a monster looking to duel their very own Dr. Frankenstein...Peyton Manning and the Colts

Game 2: 6:45 - The King of All Douches leads the Purple and Gold into the NFL's most raucous dome against God's Team

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Game 1
As always, the Jets have two missions. Keep the game close and don't let the colts score more than 21 points.

Let's not get confused with a lot of talk about Revis Island or Dallas Clark or whatever. The key match up of this game is simple enough - Can Rex Ryan mix coverages and blitzes enough to fool Peyton Manning? Rex tries to fool you - for all his bluster and buffoonery and 7K calorie diet he is also a football genius. The measure won't be in sacks it will be in secondary and tertiary metrics like "QB Knock Downs" and "Hurries" and the real impact will be in Peyton's completion percentage and if he is seen having to throw on the run. If Peyton is rolling he turns into a pretty mediocre QB. If he's not, its probably going to be a long day for all involved. J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS!

Game 2
Can Brett Favre and his crew silent count their way through an entire game? Can the Viking defense get to Drew Brees? Who reminded Reggie Bush how to run hard?Who will have sex with Kim Kardashian in the owner's luxury box? Has Jared Allen picked his pants up off the ground yet? I have more questions than answers about this game...go Saints!

Great Moments in Bad Photoshopping

Clearly the NY Post is running out of angles on tomorrow's Jet's game...

The Hose Offers Ana Marie Cox a Job

Now that Air America is gone, former Wonkette Editor/Recent White House Correspondent/General Internet Personality/Pretty Hot Redhead Ana Marie Cox is out of a job. This is a huge opportunity for us. One we intend to capitalize on.

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The synergies are obvious. Ana Marie is a big deal, a known quantity and brings her own fanbase. She also has major balls - who else would take on the future Managing Director of Corporate Relations for Goldman Sachs in such a direct manner. The Hose could benefit greatly from her sharp political mind. For her, she gets a forum from which to continue her tough brand of political reporting.

So after much discussion with our finance team and strategy team we have agreed to extend an offer to AMC to occasionally comment on my increasingly inane posts, retweet any Hose articles she finds entertaining to her fanbase and explain teabaggers to xTian and Sparks.

AMC - please reach us on thehose@gmail.com. According to your twitter feed you have been drinking since the AirAmerica announcement. It's my hope that are you still drunk and will seriously consider this offer


Best

The Hose Editorial Board

The Bad Penny: Migs has Turned Up

Like any good friend, my former freshman year suite mate Migs will occasionally write me an email.

Like any good serial killer these emails usually contain no pertinent details about his own life and only a middling interest in mine. Efforts to change this dynamic are met with standoffish behavior (e.g. he does not respond) so I just enjoy what I get. Here is a recent example
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--------------------------------------------------------------
From: Migs
To: xTian
Subject: You at the Jets Game this weekend in San Diego
Date: Jan 19, 2010



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That's it, that's the entirety of the email. Not sure what to do and knowing a response from him was unlikely, I took the opportunity to have fun with his beaner ass.

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From: xTian
To: Migs
Subject: You at the Jets Game this weekend in San Diego
Date: Jan 19, 2010

hater. You love the Jets.

How big is the Mark Sanchez poster hanging over your bed?
How big?!

Hope this email finds you well.

-xTian
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I did some quick math, I am pretty sure this has been going on for 15 years now.

I distinctly remember him goofing on me as we sat there watching the fake spike game during the 94 season.
He was also there, laughing and pointing when Vinny went down on the first drive of the first game of the 1999 season, the season the Jets were prohibitive favorites to win the Superbowl after losing to the Broncos in the AFC Championship game the year before.
I am fairly certain I somehow heard from him when the Jets got run over by the Raiders in that 2003 playoff game. This may be the defining dynamic of our relationship.

Why is he showing up now? What is the significance of this and what bearing will it have on the outcome of Sunday's game? These questions need answering

Important Conversations: Incredibly Rewatchable Movies

Over the course of a conversation with Catjjy about something else, we drifted into a discussion about the new HBO show Boardwalk Empire, a show that highlights the involvement of Martin Scorsese. Catjjy used this as an opportunity to mention she had recently watched Goodfellas and that it still holds up very well.

I used this as an opportunity to drag Catjjy into a multiday conversation about movies that you can pretty much watch whenever they are on because they hold up so well. Poor Catjjy. Anyway, here is the list
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Goodfellas - I think because its a period piece that takes place in the 70s and early 80s its always looked a somewhat dated and therefore will always hold up. I dunno about you, but I always stumble onto this movie in one of two scenes. The single camera shot thru the kitchen of the Copa OR the scene where Ray Liotta narrates over the the bodies of all of DeNiro's co-conspirators in the Lufthansa heist. Both are worth sitting thru and you may as well sit through the scene where Joe Pesci gets whacked, because why the hell not? Am I right?

Heat - I am not sure why Michael Mann is responsible for some many impenetrably dull movies but he is responsible for the single most compelling heist scene ever. No matter what part of Heat I happen upon while flipping channels, I will stick with it right up until Tom Sizemore gets shot up with a 6 year old girl in his hands and only then consider bailing out.

Serenity - The movie no one demanded based on the TV show no one watched. I dragged L3 to see this with me when we lived together and 5 months later watched our roommate watch the movie over and over on HBO. FX always shows it and everytime I have watched someone watch this movie, they always start laughing hysterically and then immediately get shocked by a rather grisly death and basically stick with it till the end. For the life of me, I still don't know why a space cowboy action soap opera never worked on either the large or small screen.

Godfather - The first time I saw the Godfather was on TV and it was godfather part 2 and it was the last 5 minutes when Michael flashes back to his decision to leave Brown and enlist in the army. This was my first introduction to the Corleone family and somehow though it was the last scene of the second film it could have easily been the first scene of the first. This two movie set is awesome, no matter when you happen upon it.

The American President - Something about Aaron Sorkin dialogue is just awesome. This movie is sort of great and its neat to think that all the work that went into this movie eventually became the framework for The West Wing. I sort of like the minor imperfections of actors not being sure how to deliver Sorkin dialogue. Its also the last time I remember seeing my teenage crush Samantha Mathis in a movie. Btw, I think Charlie Wilson's War will make this list some day soon.

Rudy - For Serious, who is going to challenge me on this. If you did not cry the first time you saw them stack their jerseys on the coach's desk then you are not a man and don't know what fellowship is.

I had Training Day on this list but Catjjy disagreed wildly. I want to put Boogie Nights on this list but it never gets on regular cable (why?). I should point out now that no Star Wars movie (ever) is very re-watchable with the possible exception of Empire Strikes back. I recently watched The Inside Man again on TV and enjoyed that more than I thought I would the second time around. Sort of makes me wish that the 25th hour was on TV more.

Do any of you have a movie you think is imminently rewatchable?

Things I like

I can't sit through the whole Golden Globes. I am just glad the Glee kids won. Here is the second best part of the Golden Globes after that moment

Liveblogging: Your Sunday Divisional Round Open Threade

The early game More... features the Cowboys visiting the Vikings. The Vikings have lost several games in a row and the Cowboys look like world beaters. That probably means that the Vikings will win 75-14 and prove once and for all that neither my brother nor I have any idea what is going on.

In the late game, Darrelle Revis will shut down Vincent Jackson, Shonne Greene and Thomas Jones will combine for 200yds and 3 TDs and the game will fall to Mark Sanchez to make a huge play.

Once again, liveblogging in the comments section. Remember gang, less gay, more play!

The Hosecast: Episode 17 The Bump explains football to xTian

Every dog has his day - The Bump shows up to get xTian ready for the divisional round of football. Topics include : how big a d**che is Brett Favre anyway, Kurt Warner and his brilliant game, the meanness of Ray Lewis and the what Jets need to do to beat the Chargers.

Watch them disagree on every pick and leave confusion in their wake here.

The Hosecast: Episode 16 Evil Returns

Evil! (Part 1 of 2). Evil drops in to discuss the year that was and the year that will be on the Hose. He also gives fans an inside look at how the Hose is put together. Finally, xTian gives Evil a Date or Die update...

Listen to the whole discussion here.

WE DID IT!

WOOOOOOOOOOOO!


It's a official! The Hose Official Superbowl Party is moving to my house!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to make a doctor's appointment to discuss my rapidly developing sleep disorder

D-Bag of the Week: Jay Leno

Rational people like Sparks will probably complain that I am being unfair to Jay and that some soulless network executive is probably to blame for all this but I say no. Soulless network executives are by definition soulless and likely cannot tell right from wrong so I blame. Jay. F U , Jay!

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Conan and his good friend, the Masturbating Bear, in happier times

More Pitch Meeting

I have been doing a lot (3 or 4 episodes shorter than 5mins) of webisode watching, hoping to understand a few things:
(1) Who the F cares?
(2) How do you measure success?
(3) What works and what doesn't?

And then I came across this, which initially seemed tangential and later appeared to be another article on not much, something Vanity Fair excels at. I mean all these chicks have twitter followers but what gives? What's with the flirty trenchcoats? amiright?
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I recognized Felicia Day from my minor obsession with Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog a year or so ago so I did some research. Apparently, this article was disappointing to all involved and rather than just move on (and more than likely because the Sunday football games were boring) I looked into what she was complaining about.

To net it out, I don't have much to report, This woman seems to earn a living as a working web series actress. Having said that, I still don't understand how, or the answers to any of my original questions. Still, I found this catchy and highly entertaining



You can actually buy this on iTunes...

Live Blogging - The Hose Official Wild Card Weekend Open Thread

Game 1 - Jets at Cincinnati aka The Santa Margarita Catholic High School Alumni Bowl featuring two of its most famous Alums - Carson Palmer and "The Sanchize" Mark Sanchez.

Game 2 - Philly at Dallas in the "Who will earn the right to run the table and lose to an AFC team in the Superbowl" Bowl.


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The Jets are threatening to run 70% of the time and the Bengals are threatening to put a tenth man in the box to stuff the run. You know what that means? The Jets should roll Sanchez out and have him throw slants the first three drives and give him the option to take off if he can find the edge. I am not even remotely kidding. Sanchez can complete 3 throws - The wide receiver screen, over the top to Braylon and slants. So I am declaring today -Slant City and will change Sanchez's nickname from "The Sanchize" to "Manchez" if this works!

Did you know - The Jets average more point per games than the Bengals. What does that mean? Probably not much. No takeaways here....

Lots of storylines in the late game - Can McNabb find Jackson down field? Can the center block anyone on the Cowboys line? Will Romo implode? Will the Eagles actually try to blitz someone? It's been three weeks since Felix Jones has pulled a hamstring so will he pull two tonight?

Did you know - The Eagles have not scored a point since their starting Center went down in the second quarter of their Week 16 game against the Broncos. The Take Away - Centers matter.


New ground rules for the Live Blogging. Let's stick all thoughts in the comments section of this post. That will allow us to do this from your favorite smartphone.

28 Hours of Football Pregaming

The Hose Official Wild Card Game Viewing Party is kicking off tomorrow at an undisclosed location in the East Village!!! Come bear witness to xTian slitting his wrists around 7:15 Eastern!

Prize for whoever can name all the coaches in this video!

Btw, Parcells + autotune = genius!

xTian's Pitch Meeting

Prior to Thanksgiving, I was in LA for a friend’s engagement/wedding reception thingamabobber. At this event, I met several people who seemed to be planning to produce or had recently starred in some sort of web series or guest stared on webisodes of a web series. I found this fascinating. Mostly because it sounded like code for "I'm an unemployed actor" but whatever...

The storytelling approach has to be completely different because you sort of have to tell a small story in a shortened format. Even in a situation where you have some sort of cliffhanger you have to introduce characters and a scenario in a compressed time frame. I have spent a lot of time, thinking about strange things so I spent some time wondering what sort of concepts would lend them selves to webisodes.

Here are a few:
More...Push & Kick
I met a guy recently who lived somewhere in Brooklyn, not terrible close to a subway. So whenever he went anywhere he would bring along a collapsible foot scooter so that he could ride more quickly to the subway. Since he thought it ok to lug it into a restaurant where we were having dinner with mutual friends, I thought it was ok to ask him if he brought this on dates etc. He admitted he did and that at times people had found it off putting. Of course, this started percolating in my head – doesn’t this work as a broader metaphor for the isolation brought about our modern usage of technology? Wouldn’t it be sort of fascinating to watch this guy get turned down on dates, possibly knock small children over and alienate his friends and family in several situations –each in its own webisode? Then this could also be elements of a longer narrative. Each webisode taking our hero deeper into the dumps till he bottoms out (extremely isolated) and then he can redeem himself by doing something truly heroic and it ends with him basically reigniting a foot scooter craze. We could also use a Segue I guess, but only if they come through with promotional considerations

Summer BreezeI also think Mr. Shoulder’s life deserves its own webseries. I will let your mind run wild with the possibilities. I had an idea 5 years ago when Mr. Shoulders was hitting the Jersey Shore and Vegas with voracious frequency. Of course, MTV sort of swiped that idea and now we have to deal with “The Situation” and Snooki, even though I had the idea first. Still, the life and loves of Mr. Shoulders sounds compelling...much more so than Cat Fancy staring Evil.

Mid-Teen Afternoon Social
This one was actually devised in conjunction with another Hoser, who can choose to reveal himself if he likes. I recently have been reading a lot of about how today’s teens have a far different value system than we did growing up and now kids are running trains, giving BJs left and right and generally running amuck. The more I thought about this, the more I thought movies like Super Bad are actually a little innocent and a reflection of an earlier more innocent time. Imagine if instead of trying to have sex or make out our whatever our teen heroes were trying to talk various women into basket jobs and rainbow parties or ass play (as a first sexual experience). Every mini episode could be their attempt to get their party together could be wrought with hilarious little failures and them trying to use current porn dialogue to get women to react. I am not sure how it would actually end. Maybe they will learn something. Maybe someone will try to trick them into having unprotected assplay. I have not really decided.

Anyway, I consider all three of these ideas as valid as most of the episodic web shorts I have seen online.

Date or Die: I don't know you that well now please help me with my bra

I went on a second date this past Saturday. Though not very into the woman, I thought it was pretty important to not leave this world never seeing a redhead naked. We had a fairly successful conversation though I found her indecisiveness about her academic pursuits somewhat annoying.

We stepped out to find a bar for a nightcap. The January air whipped us in the face so fast that we ducked into the first bar we could find, not the bar I was suggesting and one that turned out to be very overcrowded. Not wanting to stay, I suggested we return to her apartment. She stared at me, somewhat shocked about my directness. In the cab she jumped me. On the elevator going up to her apartment she suddenly hesitated admitting she was unsure given that she had to this point spent 3 hours with me. 15 minutes later I was helping her out of her clothes. 1 hour later she again discussed her hesitancy though by that time the point was moot. 2 minutes later I mocked her faux-indecisiveness. 5 minutes later she helped me find my socks after suggesting I leave. 10 minutes after that, as I walked to the subway, she phoned me and asked if I wanted to come back up. 45 minutes later, I was home, alone and reasonably happy to be going to sleep before 2am.

The redhead thing turned out to be a minor disappointment overall. Just in case, anyone out there was as intrigued as I was on the topic.