First of all, thank you Sparks for shining a bright light on another glaring omission by the US media on a subject that affects us all. It is dedicated citizens like you that keep this republic alive.
In fact, I was all ready to jump on the "Free Amanda Knox" bandwagon but before I did so, I decided to do a little bit more research than the one presented by that liberal ragtag known as the NY Times. Anyway, I decided that Amanda is innocent and the victim of gross prosecutorial miscondunct but I believe we are all better off with her locked up...are any of us really prepared to tackle her herpes outbreaks?
Don't get me wrong...in spite of the deep dose of Valtrex needed, I wouldn't kick Amanda out of the altar if all of a sudden I found myself in a drug-fueled Tuscan Satanic blood orgy. The thing is that in the course of my investigation, I seem to have developed a crush on the Kercher sisters...they are the product of an interracial marriage and it is my theory that interracial kids probably make the cutest kids since they seem to pick up the best traits of their parents (the Cha is a good example)....in fact, I think society would be better off if everyone was mixed but I digress....
Picture below of the Kercher sisters (the one on the top left is the dead girl, Meredith Kercher). The other two are of her sister Stephanie Kercher attending the trial...
Who is in charge of buckets at the Hose? Do we need to create a new bucket for accused murderers, the victims, and their families?
I went to an inner city high school in the means streets of Queens, NYC so at a very young age I learned to be sensitive to the fact that other people were inferior to me. When I graduated, I knew I wasn’t going to see many of them ever again except at the McDonalds or at the pharmacy around the corner. In fact, except for 5-6 individuals, I have not kept in touch with any of the 368 people in my graduating high school class.
More...15 years later, and because of the Facebook phenomenon, I seem to be getting in touch with some of them. In fact, I have about 20 pending friend requests from high school. I honestly don’t remember or recognize many of them…and I can’t use my yearbook for reference because I seem to have misplaced it.
Of course, all these people know me…How can they not want to be friends with me? I was super popular…In fact, I am in almost in every page of the yearbook (student council president, senior class council, baseball team, track and field, volleyball, soccer, bowling, Latino club, etc…) I think the only teams/clubs that I was not part of were gymnastics and wrestling (aversion to tights and men groping me unlike Killer B #1). Oh…and basketball…made up of black dudes from Queensbridge except for Big Mike, the 6-6 foot Caucasian secret weapon. And the Asian club because, well, I just hated Asians….
Anyway, I guess all these pending Facebook requests filtered into my subconscious because I had a dream about it. I seemed to be attending some sort of high school reunion; only thing is no one knew me. They couldn’t find my name on the list and wouldn’t let me in. When they turned their backs for a second, I sneaked in. I went to every person I recognized but they didn’t know who I was. I tried to introduce myself to every single table but all I got was the cold shoulder…
A normal person could use the Google thing on the Interweb to look up my dream and interpret what it means but that is too much work…I guess I will just post to the Hose and see what comes back...
Sincerely,
Slightly rejected in Miami…
A few days ago, xTian posted the front page of the New York Post.
I either DVR or illegally download everything I watch so watching TV commercials is something I haven’t done in years.
Recently, I have been watching some live telecasts and started seeing those Ashton Kutcher camera commercials selling SLRs...
The question to our resident high flying marketing executive is…WHY?
I am trying to figure out the thought process why someone at an ad agency picks Ashton Kutcher to sell high-end cameras…Is Ashton Kutcher that creative? Is he like a good photographer? Is there a gallery somewhere in LA hosting his pictures?
Then, as I was looking for the ad to include with the post, I came across other ads with Ashton living it up in the party circuit surrounded by hot chicks. Why can’t the marketing executives respect the fact that he is in a relationship with Demi Moore. Don’t get me wrong, he is not free of sin either….Why isn't he at home with Demi, Bruce and Rumer, Scout, and Tallulah? Why is he going around taking pictures of other chicks? If I was Demi Moore, I would be very upset…
Also, what kind of utopian society does he live in? He leaves his camera behind and girls start taking pictures of themselves. I have left my camera behind all that happens is that I am out a camera…
I am just saying….
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Manolo and I got down to it this week exploring what brought him back to the Hose and what he thinks of Evil, KillerB, and all the rest...
I recently flew in to an undisclosed location for a "live" taping of the Hosecast...it was set in a neutral location just in case it came to fisticuffs...and please, do not ask about location. Said location will not be revealed since we don't want a bunch of Hosers saying we didn't meet them for drinks or something even though I was there for almost a week and said location was full of Hosers...I am sure the Hosecast will be posted as soon as xTian finds any decent material in our train wreck of a conversation...
I do want to take a moment though to thank the Hose editorial board for flying me in. I flew coach which is less than what I am accustomed to but we are in recession after all....I guess I have always been okay with coach as long as I get to sit in the emergency row. And you must sit in the emergency row that reclines...For one, you have more legroom and second, the people in front of you can't recline their seat. I think the only drawback is you can't lift the arm rest to make more room to the side. You also have to listen to the speech and say that you will help with the door in case of an emergency yada yada yada...
More...Anyway, I get on the plane and in my haste to get out of the aisle, I threw everything in the overhead bin. As soon as I sat down, I realized my mistake...Oh well, I guess I will pass the time watching a movie or an episode of Family Guy on my Iphone...oh wait, I can't...the sun is reflecting of my screen and blinding the fellow sitting in the aisle seat...so sorry sir...I will put it away but I will need to get up to get some reading material from the overhead bin...Two minutes later, I get up to get my laptop and headphones. About 5 minutes later, I get up again to get the power supply for my laptop...
I was feeling like a total douche....breaking all sorts of plane protocol...that is, until a minute before take off, a fellow passenger comes rolling down the aisle...I say rolling because the guy must have been 300 pounds...my fellow row mate and I look at each other and I know what he is thinking...please don't let this guy sit next to us...I am not worried...there is no way they would sit this guy in an emergency row...he comes to our row and mumbles something...he then pushes and shoves his carry on to the overhead bin with no concern whatsoever for the items already in there...he then squeezes himself into the middle seat...kind of glad for the metal armrest between us because this meant our butts wouldn't be touching (by the way, in all my plane rides, I have never traveled next to a beautiful woman but I digress). He then elbows me out of position in the never ending arm rest battle. He also calls the office and loudly starts complaining to his secretary/mistress about his seating arrangement. The plane finally takes off and I proceed to recline my seat, except I can't. It seems the button is broken...Defeated, I finished my magazines, lowered the window shade, hugged the wall and dozed off.
I wake up an hour or two into the flight as he opens the window shade and notice that he is flipping through my reading material. They are just magazines so I say nothing, but I do lower the shade and try to go back to sleep. Only thing is I can't fall asleep since now I am afraid he will just take my laptop and start playing minesweeper or something. 20 minutes later, he puts the magazines away in his seat pocket, turns on his cellphone and tries to make a phone call...I proceed to tell him cell phones are not allowed during flight...
The plane finally lands and everyone starts picking up their stuff except this guy is picking up my stuff....what the fuck! I kindly request my stuff back and tell the guy off on a glorious rant about plane protocol and the social compact...
What a douche!
You see the offspring of everything else but pigeons...is it just me? Has anyone ever seen baby pigeons?
Can you spot the hipster douche in this picture? Once you spot him, feel free to write your own caption...
My birthday was just a few days ago and I want to thank everyone that is part of the Hose for all the birthday wishes sent my way. I have been having quite the blast...
Unfortunately, today I had to come to the office and instead of finishing what I am supposed to do so I could go back to partying like a rock star, I find myself procrastinating by checking out the latest lame Killer B post. That guy does not disappoint...he is like the little engine that couldn't...I definitely do not feel like that guy...
It kind of made me wonder as to why that was...in 32 years on this earth, it had never occurred to me to do the math until now...I am not to good with the graphics a la sparks and I did fail Calculus in college so I may have messed up a negative sign here and there but here it goes...
My birthday minus 40 weeks(y)=possible date of conception(x)
Solving the first equation for y means possible date of conception gives us a range of July 18 to July 25...
Thus second equation is log4range/(special occasion+birthday(32). Solving the inequality (1/2) <= x <= 32 = parent's one year wedding anniversary.
One year wedding anniversary=weekend getaway + the horizontal mambo parental unit A / parental Unit B + 240 seconds = L-O-V-E = GOD = MANOLO
I bet you Evil or xTian can't say the same thing for themselves, no matter how much fuzzy math they use...
About a year ago, I was unceremoniously dumped in what was clearly a fixed and corrupt poll. I disputed the poll results and when that didn’t pan out, I took to the mountains and staged a bit of a revolution. I was doing okay for a while but changing real estate market conditions meant I had to go back to my regular life. I took refuge in my work and tried to keep the banks at bay. You would think I owe them money…oh wait, I do.
As an escape, I also started blogging in the new and improved Hose… That didn’t last too long since I was too busy and my lack of activity had nothing to do with the fact that a lot of nights I stayed home drinking my sorrows away or playing with my Wii (Evil, please mark this as a single entendre).
Every 3-4 months I would come back and scan the Hose and saw how everyone was patting themselves in the back. I saw how snide comments were heaped upon me every few posts. This did not happen with the Bumpasaurus or Sleeve or Cheo (previous members of the Hose). I saw how charts were made up to showcase how the amount of comments per month went up during my absence. Of course, said chart did not take into account that the number of posts per month increased as well. Where is the chart to show that the number of comments were proportional to the number of posts and that said ratio has kept pace, if not decreased through the years?
It seems that the Hose became a popularity contest were quality was eschewed in favor of quantity. Trust me, I know about quantity versus quality. I have slept with quite a few ugly chicks in my day…Nowadays, it seems the Hose now revolves around American Idol and lame “looky-likeys”, and teabagging all in a ploy to pad the numbers in the Google page rankings….
Can’t you see that money and fleeting popularity have blinded you? Can't you see that you sold your souls for the ad revenue?
The Hose has failed to live to the founding tenets of its charter….and I quote “The Hose is like "id Gone Wild". Join us as we fail to push our agendas both online and in real life.”
How are Sparks and Catjjy failing online and in real life? Beautiful family, happily married, probably in the top 1% of wage earner, living in San Francisco, beautiful kid, tons of Facebook friends with photos to prove it…
Where is the emotion exposed? Where is the rawness? The pain? Where are people’s dark and inner secrets? Why doesn’t anyone talk about the time xTian gave himself a roofie? Does anyone make fun of him for his love for Gilmore Girls? Where is the counter to see how many 16-and-under country girls Evil has "erroneously" banged while in China? Why isn’t anyone questioning Killer B’s sexuality? Come on, you kind of have to wonder with all his American Idol reviews...
You see, I was going to comment all this on a random post, but as I was scrolling the Hose, I was very surprised to find my name listed back as one of the contributors…Perhaps it was an editor’s mistake (someone should be fired for this)….I took it as a sign from above (not religious at all but the thingie that moves my chair up and down broke and since I am too lazy to swap it with the one in the office next door, technically the monitor is kind of above me)…
I have decided that I may not be the most popular but my stuff will always be from the heart with no filters...it will be raw, emotional, personal…it will be just like the original Hose except that my posts will include the more/hide feature (once I figure how that damn HTML code works...Satan's spawn, I tell you).
More to come...that is unless my access is revoked once again...and please, don't call it a comeback because I'm gonna knock you out [huuuhhh!!!].... More...
I suspect no one is working today, so there will be no opportunity to blog.
For those stopping by for a quick read, I figured I would dig in the crates and link back to an early and disturbing Manolo post. It's about him seducing a midget while playing trivial pursuit. Sadly, I'm not at all lying.
Have a GOOD Friday
Hey people,
I AM BACK!!!! Not really...You see, I am no longer failing in life or online so I don't need The Hose for validation...I have a life unlike some people (I am looking at you Evil)....
Nevertheless, I came across the following video of Ricky Gervais and Elmo on Sesame Street and I could not in good conscience not share it with my dimwitted Hosers and their 3-4 readers...
Can you imagine a show with these two? I don't know who was funnier...Are there any TV network executives paying attention? I would so watch this show in a heartbeat...
"Where did you lose this interview? Where? Where?" Hahaha...Brilliant on Elmo's part....
"Do you know what necrophilia is?" GENIUS!!!!
(Author's Note: Unlike some people at the Hose, Manolo has a real life so he was never seriously emotionally wounded when he was unceremoniously dumped from The Hose...At the same time, Manolo never left. He comes back to check upon The Hose every 4-6 months to see how this gang of misfits is holding up...For example, I have noticed that xTian and Evil have taken my original date concept and run with it. Kudos to them...In fact, I hope they never go through some of my worst moments and refuse to pay medical bills...In their honor, I tell the following tale of woe...)
=================================
My name is Manolo and I have a disease. I am too picky when it comes to women…I seem to be looking for perfection in a world where imperfections are what makes us unique. These imperfections (real or made-up) are used by me as nothing but as a shield not to get close to somebody. Every time I met a new woman, I would ask myself if she was girlfriend/wifey material…If she was not, I would use these imperfections as reasons to abandon the possibilities of what may have been and focus more on short-term satisfaction of physiological needs…Don’t get me wrong, guilt-free no-strings-attached sex is great but like every man before me, I have a hunger for something more…I have arrived at that point in life where one longs to be one with somebody for more than a couple of hours (who am I kidding? I meant minutes…but best 4 minutes of your life…wink!)…
Therefore, I am trying to be a little less picky…a bit more open minded. I am trying hard about overlooking imperfections and giving everyone a chance…
Two weekends ago, I went out to paint the town (color didn’t really matter) with some friends...We are at this trendy lounge when this young woman walks by and catches my eye…what was not to like…tall (5’9’’), slim, red hair, blue eyes, smooth porcelain-like skin…
We seemed to really hit it off. In fact, we spent close to 5 hours together (last 2-3 hours walking down the beach). At the end of the night, we exchanged phone numbers and we went our separate ways, but not before agreeing to meeting once again.
As I was driving home, I kept going back to two things that were holding me back….One of them was her accent. Don’t get me wrong, I like accents. I think they are sexy, especially in the throes of passion. In fact, I am such a believer in accents that I went out and got one of my own. Nevertheless, her Russian accent meant that I found myself at times asking her what she had just said. The other thing was that she has a small mole around her lip…I then told myself if Cindy Crawford has it, why not her? I noticed I was falling into my old patterns so I decided then and there to give her a chance…
I spoke to her a couple of times on the phone and after finding out that she loves the beach, we agreed to go to the beach for our first date. I pick her up and as we are driving to our destination, she starts talking about Halloween and how she needs to buy a costume…I don’t know why she is looking for a costume since the outfit she has already makes her look like a Russian sailor (white short shorts, blue and white striped shirt, hat, sunglasses, pig tails). I think she looks very sexy but afraid of how the comment may be construed, I keep it to myself. Taking a cue to be spontaneous, we drive to a Halloween store I passed by on the way to her house to try on some costumes…Some of them were too hot to handle on a first date but I did not care…if she did not like seeing me in a Hooters outfit, perhaps she shouldn’t have looked…
Anyway, we finally arrive at the beach where I proceed to impress her by breaking out the blanket, a bottle of champagne and a full spread of cheeses and fruits…We sit there talking watching the waves crashing upon another…we start feeding each other and at one point, I drop an apple into the chocolate. I pull the apple out but my finger is drenched in chocolate…she laughs, jumps towards me and cleans my finger dry…I didn’t need another hint…I put a drop of chocolate on her cheek and I clean it…she then puts some chocolate on the tip of my nose and she cleans it…I put some chocolate on her lips….
All of a sudden, we are rolling on the blanket squishing the occasional strawberry or grape as we jockey for an ideal kissing position…From time to time, I put some chocolate on her neck or shoulders or thighs and kiss it away…I put some on her stomach and then….
I see it…I had felt something but I thought it may have been the shorts or t
he shirt…No, it’s not what you think…you see, my Russian sailor has an outie…I have only seen outies in the belies of malnourished third world children so imagine my surprise…
You would think that if you ever ran into one, you could just gnaw on it…maybe even treat it as a kind of a third nipple…
I guess I am not a better man after all...Back to the drawing board...
I didn't know what to have for breakfast...great choice...thanks DullerBiatch!
I just finished a late lunch from Canton Chinese Restaurant. When I order chinese, I usually end up ordering the same thing (General Tso's or Shredded Beef)...
Anyway, today I ended up ordering the General Tso's lunch combination (hot/sour soup & pork fried rice). After finishing, I dutifully went for my fortune cookie. I always follow protocol and add the "in bed" part to whatever fortune I get...
I opened my fortune cookie and there was no fortune...
The question is...since I had no fortune, does the "IN BED" part applies or is it a wash...I hope is the latter because even though it may be true, it is still somewhat sad to say:
Manolo has no fortune in bed.
I tried counting but it didn't work...
By the way DullerBiatch, I am not interested in any hugs from you...and it has nothing with you being gay. I just don't like you...
* When a girafee's baby is born, it normally falls from a height of six feet without being hurt. I am sad to report that the same thing can't be said for the time DullerBiatch got dropped on his head.
* Camels have three eyelids on each eye. They also have two testicles which is two more than DullerBiatch has...
* A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate. I really don't know how Evil has survived this long.
* A pregnant goldfish is called a twit. I apologize Evil...I didn't know you were either a goldfish or pregnant...
* Cats have over 100 vocal sounds while dogs have only about 10. Xtian makes over 500 vocal sounds as he cries himself to sleep every night...
* A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out...and Xtian can't get an erection...
Hey DullerBiatch…Thanks for the tip. I got the job!!! I am getting $4.16 per post. Money will be coming in via Paypal so I don't even have to go to the bank…Wooooo!!!!
Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy...
P.S.- And you Hosers say I don't bring anything to the Hose. Do you see how I am going after the younger Disney demographic? I don't see DullerBiatch doing anything for the younger readers besides molesting them in the playground...
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