The Hose

Evil

IPO FEVER

I've been at my new job for three weeks now and one thing is clear: IPO Fever is in the air. Now, all this IPO talk is pure speculation (and sooo 1999 at that), but a lot of people are really into it. Specifically, the boyfriends of females in the company.

Since I started work there, I've noticed a rash of marriage proposals. Every Monday, multiple chicks come in to the office wearing huge rings and bigger smiles. Clearly, their boyfriends are locking them up before the big IPO.

I guess it's like buying options on a stock. You don't actually own the stock (that would be marriage), but you own the option to buy. I think the boyfriends are making a smart play here, for several reasons:

For one thing, once a chick knows she's getting married, she starts working out like a maniac. Gotta look stunning in that wedding dress right? If you ask me, that's just an excuse for being vain. But hey, what man doesn't want his girl to lose a little chub off her thighs?

Secondly, the engagement ties her up until IPO time. If the IPO goes well, then marriage is obvious. If the IPO bombs, then... no commitments right? Isn't that what engagement is all about? Seeing if things will work out BEFORE getting married?

This situation in general also reminds me of dudes who propose to their girlfriends who are about to enter bschool. I mean, because everyone knows that bschool is a sausage factory and any girl who is unattached going in will surely have sausages waving at her face. I'd just like to point out that while the pre-IPO proposal is a good play, the pre-bschool proposal is risky at best. It's not like buying options. It's more like a venture capital investment. That stuff is so early stage, it's really hard to predict how things are going to turn out. But more importantly, remember the "capital" in venture capital. While your girl is back in school, guess who's paying for her Louis Vuitton handbag and other junk of the next two years? Yes, you! The VC game isn't for everyone, kiddies. How many John Doerr's are out there?

By the way, if there are any chicks out there reading this, I'm sure you've noticed that I'm quite the sensitive and caring guy. And oh, I'm pre-IPO!!! Drop me and email and a picture. You don't have to be naked in the picture, but it's preferable because if you're not, I'm just going to assume that you have bad stretch marks.