"You're Screwed, Dude"

Evil

(This is real-time blogging from the tax preparer's office, baby.)

I get my taxes done by this guy named Steve. This guy is good. He's so good that he only refers to himself in the third person. Actually, what he does is use a third person nickname. So if I'm like, "Hey Steve, how are you?" He'll be like, "The Guru is doing fine, thank you." And if I'm like, "Hey Steve, you look like you lost weight," he'll be like, "Yes, The Guru's doctor told him to lose some weight, or else!"

So anyway, this operation isn't just one-man show. During tax season, they have an entire staff, so the first person I saw today was some woman, who was supposed to "prep" my taxes. To call her a woman is pretty generous because I am pretty sure that she's part ogre, probably on her dad's side. She has fists the size of boulders and I'm sure if she rapped her knuckles upon my skull, my head would surely cave in. She also has this huge, mother-f'ing sore on the side of her lip. Very sexy. She also speaks with a lazy slur.

At one point, she's (literally) punching in the number from my W2 and various other documents and then she pauses and says, "You're screwed, dude."

Spring is in the HAir

Last night, I got the best haircut of my life. I went to this Japanese salon recommended by my co-worker. When you get in there, everyone bows to you and a little man gives you a head massage. Then he bangs on your neck for 10 minutes while your hair air-dries (it's all included in the price). A hipster little supermodely girl (who weighs under a buck) emerges and snip, snip, snip, my head feels 10 pounds lighter. I am pretty sure she cuts each strand of hair individually, but at lightening speed. Soon enough, I'm paying the bill and I get a discount since my friend sent me there.

Who wants to go next? You'll get 10% off too. I'm going to take my dog there. It's been a while and I think he might need it.

Do You Ever Get This Feeling...

Evil

Do you ever wake up and get this feeling like you're falling behind in life? Like you've always considered yourself "doing well," but all of a sudden, that's not true at all and you're moving backwards in life or something. I felt like that for a little bit this morning. But maybe it's just the case that my friends are moving ahead in life, which is good news, not bad.

Congrats to my friend Mike, who now has baby girl #2. She's a cutie (based on photos posted on her blog) and I also heard, very well behaved! Aside from having very femine sperm, I think my friend Mike is a lucky guy.

Kids Are So Smart These Days

Evil

One of my co-workers thought it would be fun to bring kids from his son's school into the office so they could learn more about the company and our products. About 20 kids visited in all, ranging from kindergarten to 4th grade. I helped out during the visit by leading a little product brainstorming session. They assigned me the youngest group of kids, which were K, 1st, and 2nd graders. Those kids were so cute. And smart! Kids are too smart these days. I was surprised that kids so young are even on computers to begin with... not only that, they had some pretty intersting feedback on how we could improve our products. Crazy.

In a bad mood

Domo-kun (?????) is the mascot of Japan's NHK television station, appearing in several short stop-motion sketches. Domo-kun, a strange monster-like creature born from an egg, is short, fuzzy and brown with beady black eyes and an open mouth revealing pointy teeth. He lives in an underground cave with Usajii, a wise old rabbit, who loves to watch TV and drink astringent tea (in Japanese, "Usagi" = rabbit and "Oyaji" = older man). The name "Domo" was acquired during the second episode of his show in which a TV announcer said, "Domo Konnichiwa" (roughly translated to English as "Thanks, hello"). Domo's favorite food is seasoned beef with potatoes and he has a strong dislike for apples (an unexplained mystery in his DNA). Domo is known to pass gas repeatedly when nervous or in a bad mood.

Is It Something In The Air?

Evil

I don't know whether it's the warmer weather coming around or what, but I've been in a good mood lately.

Nephew and Niece

Evil



This is my nephew, Jason, and my niece, Julia. They're "playing" in a basket. That's so old school!!! If we were still in the old country, that would be understandable. Half the pics of me from that age show me sitting in a basket or little plastic tub of some sort. Jason and Julia's mom is keepin' it real.

Feeling Bad, But Feeling Good

Evil

Ran 6 miles today... pretty good result, seeing as I knew my legs were feeling tired within the first quarter mile. Running out doors, which I did today, makes a big difference. As the weather gets better, so too does the people watching!

Bad Dream

Evil

I had another bad dream last night. I can't remember how this dream started, so it basically picks up like this...

My brother and I suddenly realize that the door to our apartment was left unlocked. (In the dream, I guess we were living in the same place.) We both start to panic and I'm yelling, "Why did you leave it unlocked?! Why did you leave it unlocked?!" We both race to the door and try to lock it, put the door chain on, the whole bit.

Just as we get to the door and are pushing it shut, someone is trying to barge in. I lean my back against the door as hard as I can and am trying to push it shut. I feel a fist pounding on the door. It feels like the door is rubber because I can feel the fist on my back. I feel the door is going to break. I tell my brother to go get a knife from the kitchen.

The door indeed breaks... the fist comes busting through. I duck at just the right moment and I have the knife in hand now, so my intention is to slit the wrist of this arm that's coming through the door.

The next thing I realize... I'm slitting someone's wrist, but it's not a stranger's. It's my brother's wrist. He's yelling in pain. I recognize it's him. I notice that his blood is a watery pink. Not deep red as I expected. I also notice that he's not bleeding as fast as I expected, seeing as I just gave him a deep slit on the wrist. So then I slit him again, just to make sure.

And that's all I remember before I woke up.

Good News

Evil

My sister just sent new pics of her daughter (my niece). I'm quite relieved to see that my niece no longer looks like a raisin. Thank goodness! Although.. I will say that my niece is so chubby that she has bends where there aren't any joints. For example, on her arms, there are bends where the elbow should be and where the wrist should be. But in between, there is also ANOTHER bend. There's no joint there!?

Ungentlemanly Behavior?

Evil

At the gym where I work out, there's this really cute Chinese girl. I see her all the time but we both work out with ipods, so it's one of those things where you can't really strike up a conversation, right?

I left the gym yesterday at just after 8pm. Steps outside the gym, there's a guy who sells fruits on one of those street stands. I go buy some bananas. I basically buy every single ripe banana that he has at the moment, which is 3 bags. It was about 15 or 20 bananas. Just as I'm paying, the really cute Chinese girl from the gym walks out and heads toward me. She smiles. I smile. She walks up to the fruit stand and looks for some bananas. What she finds is a whole bunch unripe bananas, which look greener than Shrek. She makes this face that's a cross between pouty and angry. Then she notices that I'm holding a giant bag full of ripe bananas. At this moment, I feel like a real tool. And then I take off!

For The Record

Evil

I was watching the local news today and heard some very sad news involving 2 students from my high school, Stuyvesant. According to the news reports, the kids were killed while traveling to a swim competition in upstate New York. The news reporter also mentioned that even though the competition organizers received word of the deaths, they decided to go on with the meet anyway because that's what the two dead kids would have wanted.

Let me just say -- for the record -- if I should die in a tragic accident, whatever I was scheduled to do the next day... please f'ing cancel it, OK? I mean, geez. Would it inconvenience you too much to mourn my death for a day? Just a day. That's all I ask. If I was due to host a dinner party, but died, please do NOT come over anyway and cook my food and have a merry old time. I would not have wanted the dinner party to go on. If I was due to go get my back waxed with XTIAN and Manolo, but died, please CANCEL the freakin' appointments. I'm sure they won't charge you, even for a late cancellation, if you just tell them that someone DIED.

Thanks, people.

Money Found

Evil

I have this jacket that I don't wear very much. But I wore it today and I just found a 20 dollar bill in the left outside pocket. The bill was folded once along the long edge and then another time along the short edge. It was done very neatly and the bill was crisp to start with. How did this money get into my pocket? I need to get to the bottom of this.

Deal or No Deal

Evil

I've decided to make a pact with the Big Guy in Heaven. Here's the deal: if He shall bless me with a son -- to be conceived no later than the end of this weekend -- then I will name the kid Benedict.

Hitler Moustache

Evil

Today I saw a guy wearing a Hitler moustache and he wore it with irreverence. As if to say, "Hell yeah I know I'm wearing a Hitler moustache. And I fuckin' love it."

Bad Dream

Evil

I had a bad dream last night. I dreampt I was sleeping and my phone rings. It was 3am and I was really annoyed that someone was calling me. I ignored the ring but the person calls back. I pick up and it was my mom. I was doubly annoyed. The reception was bad but I hear my mom saying something to the effect of "Your dad just died." The call drops off. I try to call my mom back but can't connect. I start crying. I finally reach my mom. She says, "No, I said your dad's flight just took off." (This is all in Chinese.) I was like, Oh. Now I'm really annoyed and I ask my mom why she's calling me at 3am. And she was like, Just because.

Why Can't I Be Autistic?

Evil

OK, this autistic kid is getting waaay more props than he deserves. He has a mental disorder... he shot a few baskets. BIG F'ING DEAL!!! Let's see him solve a differential equation or something. Not even a partial differential or even a multivariate one. Just an ordinary differential equation. F'ing little punk. I'm glad Prez B. kept it real by calling this kid what he is: "a special person."

Honest Mistake

Evil

At night, I take 4 pills: 3 vitamins and 1 Ambien. Last night, I mistakenly took 1 vitamin and 3 Ambiens. Hilarity ensues. (If, by "hilarity" you mean "a near coma.")

Futility

I work at a company where there are plenty of employee perks. One of them is that you can get your VO2 Max tested for free.

I had my VO2 Max tested today. Let's just say that my results are SUPER, for someone who is female and in the 75 to 85 age range. Not very good for someone who is male and in the 25 to 35 age range. :(

Sad But True

Evil

Yo, I'm at the airport now... Going out to sf. Anyway, I had just passed thru security before and immediately started fussing with both my cell phone and blackberry because you know, I am a very important "high tech professional." Just as I was about to make a phone call, one of the airport people hail me and she goes, "hey, do you speak her language?" And she points over to this little old chinese woman. I go over to her and interpret a little. Turns out, they just wanted to see her boarding pass and luckily, I know enough chinese to say, "airplane ticket." So anyway, they have this wheelchair out for her and she starts telling me how she's flying out to LA because her son lives there and is taking her to see some sort of medical specialist. She said that she went to see a doctor in chinatown about her bad leg and they told her it would probably need to be amputated above the thigh. But she's going out to LA for a specialist and a second opinion. She seemed like a nice old lady. Isn't that sad? Maybe I am just getting old and gushy.

Should I Be Worried?

Evil

My niece is now 3 months old, but she still looks like a little raisin. I don't have kids of my own, so I'm curious how long it takes for babies to stop looking like raisins. My guess is that it shouldn't take 3 or more months. Well, on the bright side, my niece does look younger than her actual age. She doesn't look a day over... err, 2 days old. It might not be a big deal now, but she'll probably appreciate that fact a little later on in life.

There's a Hole In My Heart

Evil

Literally. There is. I have a cardiac birth defect. I might die before I reach my 30th birthday. Oh, speaking of which, it's coming up! Please buy me something from my Amazon Wish List. Don't get left at the dock when the karma ship sets sail! Remember, I might die!