The Hose

BRITNEY SPEARS PERFORMING ARTS FOUNDATION CAMP APPLICATION:


NAME: Rina [last name withheld by COB]
AGE: 21
LOCATION: 200 [street name withheld by COB], New York, NY
TALENT: Being just like Britney
DID YOU INCLUDE $25 APPLICATION FEE? Yes, and one of my favorite thongs as well

PLEASE EXPLAIN WHY YOU ARE QUALIFIED AND WANT TO JOIN CAMP BRITNEY:


When I first performed on Star Search, I remember losing to some Ku Klux Klan 10 -year old pimply shithead who sang Whitney Houston's "I Wanna Dance With Somebody." After he kicked me in the groin, infected me with Type 2 cooties, and stole my candy machine money, I held my arm out to heaven and swore as God as my witness, I'll never let white trash win again. To me, that's what Britney embodies - not letting trash like Christina Aguilera or Willa Ford prevail in the radio-airwave battle for pop music icons. Over the past years, I’ve studied and emulated Britney's strategic moves: pigtails, wearing slutty clothing while claiming to be wholesome, lying about my sexual history, dancing erotically, dating a gay pop singer, and kissing older women.


I've taken numerous belly-dancing and stripper dance classes at New York’s esteemed Baby Doll Gentlemen’s Club in addition to training with zoo snakes and sea lions in preparation for my future MTV VMA skanky dance performance. Whenever I wrap a baby seal around my shoulders and swing my hips back in forth while singing "I'm a Slave For You," I can strongly feel the presence of Britney's spirit. I think of how Britney overcame her leg injury and gathered the courage to pose virtually topless in Esquire and it gives me the strength to venture sans-bra to the corner supermarket to pick up some Campbell's canned tomato soup. I understand the incredible impact Britney has on my generation and I want to join the forces of Britney's PR campaign to help transform more young pre-pubescent girls into her hot-ass image.



At Camp Britney, I intend to express my singing and acting talents and hopefully pick up a nasally Southern drawl - just like my BritBrit. In addition to performing in my 2nd grade "Hanukkah Maccabe spectacular," I also hum the Beverly Hills 90210 theme every time I drive in L.A. and know all 23 Old Navy commercial jingles by heart. In addition, I have recorded, on my Hello Kitty personal tape recorder, my very own version of Sir Mix-A-Lot's "Baby Got Back" called "Brit's got a rack"

I hope you will consider me as a candidate for Camp Britney as I look forward to spreading the gospel of Pop's Princess to those less fortunate without MTV or Access Hollywood.
I can't wait to have naked pillowfights and roast nuts Brit! See you soon!
XOXO,
Rina