The OOs: TV Shows We Liked to Watch: #7 True Blood

It is important to note that I have been consistently gay for vampires for most of my life, whereas the country as a whole goes through a pretty cyclical love affair. The end of the decade was the latest resurrection of America’s love affair with the bloodsucker.
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True blood is quite different from most other incarnations. For instance, instead of taking place somewhere more cosmopolitan it takes place in rural Louisiana. The world is very much like the setting for other vampire stories – similar to our own, but with a twist. Instead of vampires existing in hiding, they are an acknowledged if not quite accepted fact of life. True Blood is also totally gross on several levels. Humans take vampire blood (V) like it’s a drug and “fangbangers” love sexing vampires, pretty wild. Of course, it’s not only about vampires. The protagonist, Sookie, is a normal human (except she can read thoughts) and her boss is a were-person and the fry cook is a gay. Their problems though (stilted out of time dialogue aside), are terribly human. We are only two seasons in, but Alan Ball has already turned these goofy novels into totally must watch TV.

The OOs: TV Shows We Liked to Watch: #8 Battlestar Galactica

I suspect none of the fastidious forty ever watched this show. Unlike Glee, I found it hard to evangelize this show. How would I do it – “yeah…it is a remake of that dippy sci-fi show starring Face (pre-A- Team) but its so much more…” does not really sell it. Neither does “So it’s like the last 5 years of human civilization”, nor does “really it is an on going meditation about the natural tension of social evolution and how that impacts society’s notion of faith as referenced in an evolution from polytheism to monotheism…but in space”. So it’s all those things and so much more…want to watch? Yeah, did not think so…

More...The pitch for this show is simple enough. The last few thousand human beings in the universe are stuck on an increasingly decrepit space ship looking for a new home. They are being terrorized by their “children” - hot human looking robots – because the humans refuse denounce polytheism and embrace the love of the one true monotheistic God that the robots worship (or something). I am not even remotely kidding. Over its 5 seasons the show moves in all sorts of disturbing ways as humans become increasingly desperate. It is pretty tough to watch and the highs never quite match the lows. Watch people debate hot robots about faith and destiny. Try to figure out just how completely insane Dr. Baltar is as he argues with his super ego (in the guise of the hottest looking robot ever). This show is also the logical extreme of serialized inaccessible lunacy that television networks explored in the 00s to drive up DVD sales. More than anything, this show is one story…clearly I am biased.

The OOs: TV Shows We Liked to Watch: #10

Following the same drill as before, I decided to highlight some of the shows that I thought were important in the last ten years. Same rules as before, but I liked Killer B #1's style so much I am going to do them one post at a time but with a twist. I am actually doing this countdown style. So I have 10 to get to, and sometime around December 31st I will unveil what I thought was the show of the decade
So without further ado...
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The Chappelle Show: No show soared higher or flamed out more quickly. White kids everywhere started declaring themselves Rick James, even though most had no idea who Rick James was. People were talking about it everywhere and almost entirely by accident in a way that no one ever talked about Half Baked, even though I always argued we should.

Everyone knows how this story ended. Dave had an incredibly successful second season and then was offered $50MM to do several additional seasons. An offer he accepted then ran away from as he became less comfortable with the show and the pressures of fame and fortune.

Of course, the weirdest thing about all this, was how aware Chappelle was of his undoing as seen is this clip below...

Chappelle's Show
Dave Has $55 Million
www.comedycentral.com
Buy Chappelle's Show DVDs Black Comedy True Hollywood Story

The 00s: Music that Mattered to xTian

Coming up with a top 10 list was actually really hard. So I did not do that, instead I did this. I thought about some key musical acts that I felt represented the decade thematically (either in terms of their success over the decade or a music trend that they somehow started or ended) and jotted down thoughts around key songs that propelled them into the zeitgeist

Arrogant? Yes
Well Conceived? No
Well Executed? eh

...do your worst!

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Crazy In Love: Beyonce (with Jay-Z) - No one could avoid this song (thankfully I was out of the country for most of its dominance). Jay Z decided Beyonce was the hot one in Destiny's Child and a nation agreed to avoid mocking her unattractive legs even when she refused to hide them. If Beyonce were Michael Jordan this would be her 63 pt game in the playoffs against Bird and the Celtics.

Such Great Heights: Postal Service - Ben Gibbard takes a break from wallowing in self pity to wallow in some self pity with keyboards. Manic Depressives, sexually abused emo-punks, tech heads and Nintendo aficionados unite under one banner(!) and pave the way for the Howard Dean campaign and Radiohead's return to Ok, Computer levels of greatness. Finally, it re-energized everyone's love for synthesizers, a subversive touch that quietly snaked it way back into our collective consciousness and exploded like Aphrodite out of the water with the emergence of MGMT and other like minded acts.

New Slang: The Shins - Nerds and frat boys come together to discuss the isolation brought on by teenage binge drinking...and totally miss the point of this song. The band goes on an aggressive multi-album initiative to alienate all their mainstream fans and re-embrace their core fans - repressed lesbians, child abuse victims and kids who got stuffed in lockers in high school...

Last Night: The Strokes - A couple of rich kids with a lot of hair decide that goofing on lo-fi punk recordings from the mid 70s would be better than getting real jobs. Most of Europe (and xTian) gets sucked in. The growing trend of old things suddenly being really hip and the irony intrinsic to hipsterism are brought to the forefront of our cultural consciousness in a way that only Dov Charney could have ever imagined. Of course in Dov's dreams there are more half naked teens...

Banquet: Bloc Party/Evil: Interpol - Once the Strokes exhaust the 70s lo-fi vibe everyone from London to Brooklyn agrees to release re-interpretations of every Depeche Mode albums from 1980-1986. This all came to a crashing halt with the Bravery and everyone just wished these guys would all get on a bus and fall off the back of a steam ship.

Seven Nation Army: The White Stripes - A guy and girl decide to flummox America by creating confusion around whether they are married or siblings - distracting everyone from the real question - what are these white kids doing in Detroit? xTian sits in the Berkeley Greek Theater and wonders how two people can produce such amazing music...I also think they took the drum and bass movement to its logical conclusion. I spent most of the late 90s hearing people ruin everything with some really "great" drum and bass. They actually did it well, and all these other jokers got embarrassed and became bankers or something. You know, so they could go ruin something else. Go f*ck yourselves drum & bass/banker douches...

Where Is The Love: Black Eyed Peas - BEP, a somewhat underground break dancing crew with occasional rap albums in late 90s, unleash their master plan for world domination - Step 1 - kidnap a recovering meth addict with lovely lady lumps Step 2. Force her to sing hooks on the most banal childish songs conceivable Step 3. Become the biggest "band" in the world even though no one plays an instrument and only two people seem to "sing". Step 4. Actively support their puppet in his bid to become leader of the free world. Step 5. Rule the world with an iron (though lyrically banal) fist...You think you're sooo smart will.i.am but I see your game. Go bend a spoon, you Matrix watching motherf*cker.

Hey Ya: Outkast/The Seed 2.0: The Roots featuring Cody Chestnutt - Before they became Jimmy Fallon's band The Legendary Roots Crew toured the country 3-4 times a year bringing the most amazing hip hop party/jam session to every town they visited - proselytizing the notion that there was actually music to hip hop and making it more palatable to a broader audience. Their efforts made the Jay Z Unplugged album possible/marvelous and pushed HOV to a new level of cross over appeal. It also laid the ground work for the neo soul movement and could be considered the proud uncle of what became backpack hip-hop movement. This where Outkast came and took the backpack pack hip hop movement out of the very specific Buppie element and broadened it by introducing a level of showmanship that had heretofore not been seen. Now, white kids can love a Talib Kweli record without having to assume the self loathing that is implicit in half of Eminem's songs...This has since been taken to its logical conclusion by Kanye West...

Brighter Discontent: The Submarines - You all know Submarine songs. You do. They license their music to every product you have ever imagined and are perfectly happy to promote their songs through any TV show that will have them. You've heard them on Grey's Anatomy, Gossip Girl, Nip/Tuck and potentially my forthcoming web series about two young boys trying to get girls to come to their poorly advertised rainbow party. Everyone uses TV shows and commercials to market their product, but The Submarines are the most pervasive. Apropos of nothing I will mention that the female lead, Blake Hazzard, is actually F. Scott Fitzgerald's granddaughter. She is also totally lovely. ET #1 and I went to their concert last year and watched her finish her set and get behind the booth and start hocking CDs and t-shirts the most upbeat disposition. All reasons to love her.

Since You Been Gone: Kelly Clarkson - Kelly Clarkson is totally different than most other pop singers. Despite being the first product off the American Idol assembly line she feels completely genuine. This is true for several reasons - her construction (on American Idol) was completely transparent most of America can draw a line from what we started to her SYBG roscker girl act and no attempt to tart her up has been even remotely successful. She is exactly who she is - a little fat, overly perky, decidedly unsexy, and unwilling to be a cypher (as proved by her song writing which at times has proven to be career limiting; proof point - most of us were completely unaware of her third album). I am shocked she is still famous. It's all kind of amazing...and her continued commercial viability is the standard that future basket job victims like Adam Lambert have to live up too...

Almost Crimes: Broken Social Scene - The idea of a rock super group is fairly old so rather than pursue that, Toronto's BSS evolved as a rather meticulously conceived and hastily implemented jumble of rock noise - a concept perfected later by Montreal's Arcade Fire. Disappointingly, this rumble of musical enclaves failed to exacerbate Anglo/Franco tensions to a fever pitch we are all demanding. In my head, I envision a snowy bar in middle 2006 and one scarf wearing Quebecer getting into a heated exchange/debate with some Toronto hipster that yielded no punches and several "ehs". 10 minutes in, the entire conflict would dissolve - they would then agree to disagree, toast with Molsens and agree that each band is popular thanks to their hard work and earnest presentation. Dull story, just like every other story that takes place in Canada. Still their influence is plain. The biggest benefactor from BSS was contributor Leslie Feist. She found great success in the later part of the decade and managed to include her old friends whenever she could.

Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa: Vampire Weekend - I think there is something to the idea of incorporating world music elements (like soukous) into modern rock. Beirut did this with less success (and much less aplomb) earlier in the decade...I am excited for where this trend will end up

I will think about TV sometime next week and post those comments as well...

Ask xTian - Breaking Up The Tension

Former Hoser DZB1 checked in with this email to me today
From: DZB1
To: xTian
Re: Spontaneous Masturbation

...So this girl im dating and I are having a robust(I dare say arguement)about her boyfriend. She says she wants me to be her main boyfiriend now that the summer has ended(along with his usefulness of having a house in the Hamptons) and the fall is approaching. I state that although Im flattered by her offer I'm content with being the number two man. This rejoiner for some reason causes her to "tense up' so in the middle of our conversation she pulls down her pants and starts masturbating herself. Although I am not one to state the obvious i had to ask, "Are you masturbating yourself?" "Yes," she says, "I'm tense and this helps me relax."

Any thoughts on this issue? I'm telling you this because I'm hoping that you of all people sum it up in that wry way you have.
--------------------------------------------------
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Well DZB1, this is certainly a pickle. In the past, when I've been presented with such a situation I have considered two options (1) look around for something to steal and quietly excused myself or (2) jump in for some angry sex.

These are the obvious things and I am sure you checked off these options as sub-optimal given the obvious depth of your relationship. Here are a few options might have failed to consider -
1. Say something like "Oh OK, let me know when you are done." and find something to read. The Atlantic has some good stuff this month
2. Watch it go down. If she at all closes her eyes ask accusingly "Who are you thinking about?" and demand that she focus on you
3. Invite a friend over. I'm usually very busy but Mr. Shoulders has nothing going on at work. He used to play basketball for two hours a day but recently broke his finger so now he can't even do that. Besides, I think Mr. Shoulders still thinks he can beat you at spades, you gotta remind him who is boss. If he does come over, stare at him while he stares at her. He hates that. I paid a stripper extra once to stare at him from across the room while she gave someone else a dance; he got so upset he tried to leave
4. Hold her and cry a little. Chop an onion if you have to, there is no better way to deal with an awkward situation than to escalate it to its illogical conclusion

Ask xTian: Sports Round Up Edition

Wherein we cover a few questions that were raised this week
-World Cup Qualifying
-Michael Vick


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What's up with all of these qualifying matches? Do some teams get a bi from this? Do any big teams ever fail to advance out of their pre-Cup bracket? It would be odd to see a World Cup without England, Spain, Italy, Brazil, Argentina, etc.- Sparks
Great question. There are a ton of qualifying matches. One has to remember that only 32 teams are invited and they come from 6 regions (into which all the countries of the world are broken into)

* Europe (UEFA): 13 places
* Africa (CAF): 5 places
* South America (CONMEBOL): 4 or 5 places
* Asia (AFC): 4 or 5 places
* North, Central American and Caribbean (CONCACAF): 3 or 4 places
* Oceania (OFC): 0 or 1 place
Note: South Africa qualified automatically as host nation for a total of 6 places

As you can see the strength of soccer, number of countries in the region, and population of the regions all come into play. There are some swing scenarios where the 5th place team from CONMEBOL has to play the 4th place team from CONCACAF to see who gets that swing spot.

Now within each region, the countries are seeded and the higher seeds don't have to play in the first rounds of qualifying. This provides some additional advantage to Argentina and Brazil (the tops in CONMEBOL) and to the US and Mexico (I think in CONCACAF).

It should be pointed out that this does not preclude movement. Back when the drug lords were running things Colombia was a World Cup regular. Since abdicating that position a few countries have stepped up to grab that last spot. In the last two world cups Dr. Orgy's adopted country Ecuador has grabbed that last spot It's an open question who will grab it this time.

Why did the Philadelphia Eagles get Michael Vick? Why was Donovan McNabb for this move? Why didn't Michael want to go to a place where he could start? What does Tony Dungy, neither a league nor eagles offical have to do with any of this? - The Bump

From Vick's side - According to Peter King, Vick wanted to come back and prove he was a good teammate and a still an effective football player first. Then in year 2, find a situation where he could be a starting QB. Going to the Redskins, might seem like a good idea, but in addition to having to deal with the fall out and the protests he would also have to win games.

From McNabb's side - McNabb has taken the eagles to a Superbowl and taken his team to 5 NFC Championship games in his career. he is one of the better QB's of the last ten years, third best in my opinion after Peyton and Brady. Yet Philly has never embraced him. If you listen to people like Eagles Super Fan Sleeve, you will come to believe that this is because these jackasses are basically racist and always looking to start a white guy. I can't comment on this, but everyone knows that Philly sports fans are animals and dangerous to themselves and those around them. Normally, the old saying goes that the most famous guy in town is always the back up QB. Will that be the case with Vick? Probably not. Thus McNabb can QB without people screaming about starting Jeff Garcia (like they did 2 years ago) or Kolb (like they did last year)

From the Eagles side - They get a guy who can literally change the game. Whether or not Vick was a great QB is irrelevant. He was a great football player and he could win games by himself. If he can still do any of that then they win. They are also forgiven for taking the chance because Tony Dungy (Apparently, he won the title GREATEST MAN EVER while I was not looking) told the NFL that Vick was repentant and that was enough for the NFL to reinstate him. He also stood with Vick at the Eagles Press Conference and spoke as much as Vick or Andy Reid did. Honestly, that's enough for me and enough for most football fans out.

From my side - I get that what he did was unconscionable. I also get that he went to jail for 18 months and lost 75% of his unguaranteed contract while in there. He's paid his debt to society period. If you don't think he should get a second shot then you don't believe that anyone who gets out of jail should be given a second chance. That makes you unfair and an idiot.

Thanks

Ask xTian: Facebook Etiquette

Several high school friends have joined Facebook in the last few months. You might wonder why they are behind on the trend, I think many of the reasons are socio-economic, but that's not really what I'm hear to weigh in on. Because they joined late, these people are also behind on the learning cure of what you should or should not put up on facebook. So as a public service, here are some recommendations for facebook newbies:

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If you're a guy, don't tell me that the John Legend song "Ordinary People" is the best song ever written, or write small haikus about how much you love your son. It's cute, but its also a little fey. Also, you're a high school English teacher, some cholo could see this as a sign of weakness and consider this ample reason to shove you out a second story window. Remember the cholos we went to school with?

Don't fight with your wife about your children and carry it on in wall posts. That's silly

Don't talk about how the "taint" is awesome and how it's like a second penis. Just don't...

If wish the Cha a happy birthday, don't think I'm talking to you. You are a 300lb black dude I went to high school with. Why would I call you cha? While we're here, stop calling me gummi bear, at some point people will stop thinking we're thugs and just assume we're gay. Neither categorization suits my purposes.

Stop posting generic comments about "haters" being out to "get you". It looks very paranoid or very junior high. or both.

DO NOT, under any circumstances, discuss your ongoing child custody battles and/or describe how awful and frustrated you are with your baby mamma. How could this possibly help your long term cause?

I Can Barely Contain Myself!

xTian asks: Eli Manning

Eli Manning is on the verge of signing a six-year, $97.5 million contract. That would make him the highest paid quarterback in the NFL. This is big news and a huge turnabout for young Eli.
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About 19 months ago I sat in a bar with Mr. Shoulders watching the Giants play the unbeaten Patriots in a regular season game. As folks were wont to do at the time, Mr. Shoulders declared that he hated Eli and wanted him run out of town. I'm not as big a Giants fan, more of a Jets fan, so I could consider his emotional reaction more analytically. I demanded that Mr. Shoulders name 5 QBs he would rather have than Eli. My theory being that there were very few QBs who clearly better than Eli. Btw at that point I only had Peyton, Brady and McNabb clearly ahead of him. Mr. Shoulders came up with 5, but after a lot of struggle and debate. Two months later, Mr. Shoulders had to sit in Evil's apt and eat a d*ck as Eli Manning led the NY Giants to the Super Bowl and was proved wrong (again).

Anyway, it's two years later and Eli is about to get PAID. I imagine Killer B is somewhere throwing up in his mouth that Eli is making more money next year than Peyton. I will put the over/under for the "Eli is overrated" chats at week 2. Therefore, I pose the question again, but with a twist:

For next year, are there 5 QBs you would rather than Eli? If so, then who?

For the next six years, are there 5 QBs you would rather have than Eli? If so, then who?

I have answers for me, I'll post mine later today. But discuss amongst yourselves.

Sincerity

Question for all of you Hosers: What sign-off do you use for your work emails? I do not mean quick little blackberry missives; I'm talking real emails, to clients and superiors and what not.

I used to use “Regards” on all of my office emails. In fact, I had it as part of my auto-signature, so even Catjjy would get a nice “Regards” if I wrote to her from that account. I became bored with it a few years ago. Now I end with “Thank you” if thanks are warranted, or, more often, I don’t put any sign-off at all. The latter looks a little odd at the end of a formal, letter-style email, but I don’t know what else to do.

Some of this is cultural. If I were English, I would absolutely use “Cheers;” if Italian, “Ciao.” Those are great, but Americans look sorta lame using either of those.

One guy I work with uses abbreviations that he leaves the reader to figure out. Two of his favorites are “VTY” and “HTH”, which I’ve guessed to mean “Very Truly Yours,“ and “Happy to Help.” OMFG.

Sometimes I get things like “Warmest regards” or “Very Truly Yours,” but those feel WAY too personal to me. I feel like they can be used in court to prove a common law marriage.

So, what are you using?

XOXOXO,

Sparks

Poof! No more Print Media

Last fall, Conde Naste mailed me a postcard to inform me that Men's Vogue was being discontinued. They offered to fulfill my subscription with issues of Conde Naste Portfolio. Like all Hosers, I had just read Michael Lewis' The End of the Bull Run so I was very comfortable with this proposition. The fact that I was not in fact a subscriber to Men's Vogue seemed like a secondary concen. I was coming out ahead. Hooray.
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Alas, my euphoria was short lived. I received one issue before Conde Naste decided to shut down Portfolio. It did not include a Michael Lewis article. What now, you ask? Well, this subscription was in turn replaced with a subscription to Details Magazine.

Wow! Talk about a time machine. I was suddenly 14 again - a young Latino with hair down to his chin line living in the Black section of a Latino community with no sense of how to be cool aside from a hand full of overside shirts with poka dot and paisly patterns, incredibly think soled shoes and two black hoodies (one for the Miami Hurricanes and one for the LA Raiders). On Mondays and Wednesdays I was a half assed Kwame and Tuesday and Thursdays I was a chumpish version of Ice Cube. Details and a few other magazines helped me address the schizophrenia, self expression rut and cultural identity confusion that I was suffering from all at the same time. I was able to establish a physical identity for myself that I more or less still maintain.

Having said all that, I was 14 or 15 when this happened. I have no use for this magazine. More importantly, why does this magazine live when other magazines are shuttering? Did we really need Portfolio? Maybe not, but we certainly need it no less than we need Details. Right? I would much rather be reading that than reading some article about Jason Bateman or the learning disabled kid who went to vegas to get laid.

Meanwhile, its been like 7 months. No one's asked me for any money.

Poll Results

The people have spoken! Adam Lambert is a better bet than all the rest
Qualitative research after the poll shows

• You are convinced that Glen Beck will end up doing something awful to himself on camera
• Mark Sanchez will complete less touchdown passes than the number of models he bangs
• Swine Flu is a passing fad, going the way of fanny packs and Swatches
• Gavin Newsome's political career will be undermined by an extreme fiscal and social conservative with a B List acting background

Ask xTian: Computer edition

Cha Cha is getting a new computer for his birthday from his grandparents, who want to Skype with him. His mother's computer is a 5 year old PowerBook G4 hand-me-down from his uncle. His mother hates it. It has no memory, slow processing speed, can't handle her iTunes nor her digital photos.

What should Cha Cha get? Here are the needs that this new computer should fulfill:

1. Skype
2. Some kind of video editing program, maybe. We have a video recorder with MiniDV tapes. Can anything be done with these things?

Woooo. Big list, eh? Being neither a Brooklyn hipster nor a fop in a bowtie, I don't know whether to get a Mac or a PC. Can I buy a computer from Costco? Is that just not done?

Ask Xtian - March Madness Edition

Evil

Dear Xtian- Which coach has left a greater coaching legacy: Pat Riley or Bill Parcells?

Oh No...

I think Scarlett is great across several dimensions. I don't even think she has a bad voice. It's not great but its cool sounding. After she issued an album of Tom Waits covers she decides to cover one of the great songs, Jeff Buckley's - "The Last Goodbye". The cover itself lacks...it just lacks.

What is wrong with her?

Goodbye, Ryan

Randomly, when I lived in Berkeley, I went through a fairly intense country phase. I spent an inordinate amount of time trying to sort out the progression from Uncle Tupelo to Wilco, and subsequently coming up with a position,simultaneously pro and con, on the Old 97s....the sort of thing you do when you have nothing to do but smoke some pot and contemplate the universe I guess.

One of my favorite discoveries from that time was Ryan Adams. His first solo album, Heartbreaker bordered on inspired. Gold, a later effort, had one of the prettiest songs ever on it - "When the Stars go Blue"; a song later covered by Andrea Coor. By the time I came upon him he was already shifting gears, aggressively playing with arena rock on 2002's Rock-n-Roll.However, between the recently released Demolition, his collection of b-sides, and tracking down his older work as the frontman for Whiskeytown I had more than enough to keep my engaged. Of course, when I finished all that he was good enough to release a pair of EPs - Love is Hell Part I and II (2002).

You might see a pattern forming here.

Back in NY, I read Ryan had taken up with Parker Posey and started a band. I was pumped. A few years earlier I had relegated Ryan to someone who was capable of nothing more than one or two perfect melodies per album. Of course, I liked Cold Roses (2005). So did a lot of people. He rewarded this new found faith by releasing the terribly forgettable Jacksonville City Nights and 29 over the next 8 months. He was suddenly everywhere. He was even modeling in a John Varvatros ad.

I was done.

In 2007, I saw Ryan sing "I Taught Myself How to Grow Old" on Letterman and almost cried myself into a stupor. I told ET #2 about the song. ET #2 likes her songs sad, like me. She agreed it was great. I remembered what I enjoyed about his stuff. Articles trumpeted Ryan's new found sobriety and hailed the album Easy Tiger was one of his better works in years. Best of all, his band was growing around him and his stuff was better because of it.

Rather than rush out the next album 3 months later, he and the Cardinals toured extensively. I liked 2008's Cardinology a lot. Finally, I thought we were on the cusp of something great, rather than one or two great songs surrounded by a lot of crap. Of course, these hopes were fleeting.

Last week Ryan announced he was quitting music for a while so to focus on his writing.

He has 3 books planned for 2009.

Ask xTian: The difference between the 3-4 and 4-3 defense in football

This is a great question. I will answer in two parts

(1)What is the difference between the 4-3 defense and the 3-4 defense?



On the left in red, we have a base 4-3 defense on the top lining up against your typical offensive line. On the right in red we have a base 3-4 defense. There are few differences to note.
(1) First, and most obviously in a 4-3 there are four down line men with one hand touching the ground. In the 3-4 there are three down line men. The remaining defenders in the box are made up of linebackers who at the hike of the ball are more or less standing upright.
(2)In the 3-4 the Nose Tackle(NT) is expected to demand the attention of two offensive line men. By doing so, the NT can in effect neutralize any potential running lane up the middle for the running back and/or create an opportunity for either the weakside or middle linebacker to attack the middle. The extra linebacker also limits the overall effectiveness of a running back who now has to deal with one more guy on the field who can keep up with him. In the 4-3, the defensive linemen attack the gaps between the offensive line men and hope to intercept the running back at the line of scrimmage. As you can imagine in a 4-3 linemen get more sacks and tackles than in the 3-4 where the linebackers have to do all the playmaking.
(3) In the 4-3 the primary pass rusher (usually attacking the left tackle) is a defensive end (DE) who mixes speed and strength to attack a quarterback. In the 3-4 the same pass rusher is usually a larger linebacker who uses the same mix of speed and strength to press the quarterback but starts the play in an upright position.

Everything on the football field is about trade offs. Abstractly, trade off being made is that the the 4-3 makes it easier to get to the QB vs. the 3-4 which improves the chances to stop the run. But realistically it will always come down to personnel. The Giants in the 80s ran a 3-4 but you could not tell because one of their linebackers was Lawrence Taylor and his only responsibility was to hit QBs. Around the same time, Buddy Ryan introduced the 46 defense, so named for his Free Safety who basically lined up with the linebackers in a base 4-3, basically putting another blue bubble in that circle. Pretty revolutionary really.

(2)Can't players be flexible enough to play both defenses, and switch up as the game conditions dictate?
Sometimes but not often. The players used in each scenario actually have different physical attributes.

You will notice in the pictures above, below the position I have listed a series of weights. For the offensive line, I used the Philadelphia Eagles in both diagrams. The Eagles are currently the biggest in the league. It should be pointed out that the Eagle tackles, Tre Thomas and John Runyan are both 6ft7. To put it plainly they are big. To be dramatic I will call them an "immovable object"

So we need an irresistible force, right?
For my protypical 4-3 defense, I used one of the better defenses in the league, the NY Giants. You will look at their weights and scratch your head "these guys are small! How could this possibly work?" Pull out a physics text book:

Force = mass x velocity

Yes they are relatively small but they are also incredibly fast. The ends are almost as quick as linebackers and the linebackers all share above average speed. Most of their sacks come from beating larger offensive linemen off the ball and getting by them. Its pretty neat to watch.

For the 3-4, I chose the NY Jets. You will notice that the NT (Kris Jenkins) weighs 350lbs. He is the biggest man on the field. He's a pretty weird athlete. He could overpower any single lineman relatively easily, so he usually commands two defenders. His lineman also have the responsibility of attacking one on one, so they have to be close in size and strength to the offensive linemen they line up against.

It's just plain hard to ask Giant defensive linemen to ever line up in a 3-4 scenario. The linemen they have on their roster (usually around 6) are all optimized for the 4-3 scheme, trading size for speed. They just don't have any one to be a Kris Jenkins type and the opportunity cost of having one of these guys on the bench is really high and grows exponentially when a player gets hurt.

It's easier to go from a base 3-4 to a 4-3. When you do this, you ask your 3-4 linemen to play a different role than they they are accustomed to, making tackles etc. The Jets would shift periodically with mixed success. Its unclear that this provides any competitive advantage. The Giants had a better defense than the Jets in most categories.

There are exceptions. The New England Patriots start at a base 3-4, but depending on the opponent or even the game time situation they will take out the linebacker and put in another lineman and switch to a 4-3. Not every team can do this. Again this is due to personnel. Most of the Patriots linemen and linebackers are similarly sized so they trade off very little when they do this. They are also incredibly well coached.

Ask Xtian - Super Bowl Edition

Evil

Dear Xtian- With the Super Bowl less than 2 weeks away, I had a football-related question. What is the difference between the 4-3 defense and the 3-4 defense? More specifically, why do people always talk about it like it is fundamentally such a big deal for a team to play one defense vs. the other? Can't players be flexible enough to play both defenses, and switch up as the game conditions dictate?

Ask xTian: The Speech

All day people have been coming up to me asking me the same question "xTian, President Obama's speech was not very great. I mean there was no '...but fear itself' line in there at all. What gives?"

A few immediate reactions
It is my position that history will tell us if there was a great line of any sort. It is unclear if anyone knows what they are watching when it happens. Apparently, one of the few notable exceptions was Lincoln's Gettysburg Address. Of course it had the benefit of following some cornball who banged on for one hour reliving the battle and reading his "honey-do" list. By the way, I might be alone here but I've been thinking to myself that there are a lot of similarities between Lincoln and Obama. I do not understand why the media has not picked up on this more and discussed it.

There were more allusions than I knew what to do with, it was like a foreclosure sale on history (beat). What did Washington at Valley Forge have to do with anything? I guess it was cold out today...

The speech was demonstrably muted. We all know he can get a crowd to its feet. My theory is that he simply chose not to. People are using the word "sober".I think that's a good word to use especially in light of all the excess of the last 8 years. Everybody needs to sober up and go help your fellow man or something. While you're at it stop hoping some dude is going to walk in and lift your spirits every other week. He's busy trying to save the country you self involved goons.

The whole idea of "our better history" was neat. It also gave him a chance to rail on our recent history. Ronald Reagan tried to "starve the beast" and mostly succeeded. He was so successful that the next time the Democrats came in, there was no more talk of a "Great Society". All the sudden we started balancing budgets and talking about how "The Era of Big Government is over". WTF? Way to roll over Bill! Of course, if these months of bail outs and crises have shown us anything, it's that this was all hogwash. Thankfully, Barack took back the baton and reasserted the potential to do good with government. As dessert to that main course,he made sure to remind everyone that the US has a leadership role and slapped our GWB for his unilateralism and occasionally reckless foreign policy. Jimmy Carter was there to, but the President did not poke at him at all. Poor Jimmy, always getting ignored...

If there is a lesson in all this its this. Don't walk up to me in a Starbucks and ask me about stuff like this. Your coffee will get cold while you politely stand there listening to me bang on endlessly.

BTW- I am looking for a picture of George H W Bush and his wife Barbara. First off, 41 was sporting a nifty hat. He and his wife wore matching purple scarves. They looked great on TV.

Wedding Bells

There have be a lot of weddings lately around the Hose Offices. The Mamacita married her favorite robot, and the Killer Bs tied the knot. Congratulations to all involved.

In preparation for one last wedding, Catjjy and I cooked up a list for the pending nuptuals of Sparks sister. It was her task but she asked me for some input. This is not quite what she used but I thought it was fun enough to throw up on the blog...