Demon Sheep Leaves xTian Confused and Afraid

Can anyone explain this metaphor to me? Who is the dude crawling around in the demon sheep mask? Is it me? Is it Tom Campbell? Is it Carly? Is Carly one of the sheep? Who are the other sheep? Maybe poor people in Oakland? Or angry farmers with no water? Charleton Heston? Am I the demon sheep because I let the state of California give me an MBA and then ran out of Dodge?(Head scratching). This is the worst political ad ever, it has left me confused and afraid.

Full Disclosure: Tom Campbell is a friend of mine. He is. He, L3, Sparks and Mamacita are the only conservative friends I count in the world. I usually only associate with like minded pinko/commies. Back to Tom; a few years ago, we were both affiliated with the most greatest Public Institution Higher Learning Ever Conceived by Man. During my first year, I lived in the I-House and he used to randomly have dinner there several nights a week. More than a few times we would have dinner and he would indulge my leftist views and explain weird laws to me.

The Hose Offers Ana Marie Cox a Job

Now that Air America is gone, former Wonkette Editor/Recent White House Correspondent/General Internet Personality/Pretty Hot Redhead Ana Marie Cox is out of a job. This is a huge opportunity for us. One we intend to capitalize on.

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The synergies are obvious. Ana Marie is a big deal, a known quantity and brings her own fanbase. She also has major balls - who else would take on the future Managing Director of Corporate Relations for Goldman Sachs in such a direct manner. The Hose could benefit greatly from her sharp political mind. For her, she gets a forum from which to continue her tough brand of political reporting.

So after much discussion with our finance team and strategy team we have agreed to extend an offer to AMC to occasionally comment on my increasingly inane posts, retweet any Hose articles she finds entertaining to her fanbase and explain teabaggers to xTian and Sparks.

AMC - please reach us on thehose@gmail.com. According to your twitter feed you have been drinking since the AirAmerica announcement. It's my hope that are you still drunk and will seriously consider this offer


Best

The Hose Editorial Board

Out Of The Box Thinking

I did some quick math, if we implemented this kid's job growth strategy and the federal government applied a random sales tax (7%) to these these suddenly legal "services", I would expect to pay an additional $350 in taxes a year. You multiply that by some likeminded people (another 100MM or so?) and we get 35B without even trying, plus we get to tax all these people in these high paying "service" jobs - 10% unemployment? THING.OF.THE.PAST.

Thoughts?

Should a Man This Fat Be My Governor?

NJ Gubernatorial Candidate Chris Christie shakes hands with voters before eating his young

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On my way to vote today in one of the elections that is a universal referendum on how people everywhere feel about our president (or not), I was accosted by a woman (possibly high on meth) in a green Chris Daggett shirt.

She asked if I was interested in learning more about Chris Daggett. I admitted I was, though not for the reason she thought. I had no intention on voting for him but earlier in the day I had said something to the effect of "Who even is this guy?" and felt uninformed. I don't like being uninformed. I have like one job as a citizen - vote for people I agree with, you do a little research and this is easy. Anyway, I tuned in for whatever she was banging on about.

She started by pointing out that I should trust no man as fat as Chris Christie. She pointed out that I should take this as a sign of his lack of self control. In addition being ludicrous she also made me nervous by her demeanor. She shrieked her thoughts as she bit on her thumb, and thrust her sign under her arm and used the other hand to address a running nose. She then looked at me and at took half a step back:

"I mean you're a big guy, but this man is OUT OF CONTROL". I reflected on how little self control I had as this woman blinked at me incessantly.

I asked about her view on Corzine. She blurted that incumbent John Corzine had had his chance and raised taxes and ruined everything for everyone everywhere. She then began screaming about her landlord and his personal relationship with Chris Daggett (whoever that is). I stayed engaged with her just so others could scoot by and vote but when the coast was clear I made a break for it. As I walked briskly, she yelled some more about how I should vote.

Inside, no one could find my registration and people stared at each other blankly until I started speaking Spanish. They a woman pulled out a provisional ballot and asked me to fill it out, seal it in the adjoining envelope and hand it back to her. I wonder if the tweaker had this hard a time voting...

I can't comment on whether Chris Christie being a fat f*ck (fact!) has anything to do with his self control but I will use the word "slovenly" to describe how he ran his content free campaign. His entire platform more or less added up to "vote for me! I'm not John Corzine! Who used to run Goldman! and is evil! and uses all your tax money to light cigars with his yuppie pals! in Hoboken! QED"

I hope he loses. Then I hope he takes left over campaign contributions and commissions a portrait of himself - half man- half elephant and hangs it over his bed.

Truth on Napkins I Have Not Pooped On Yet

Thanks to Lil A for sharing this!
Healthcare Napkins All

View more documents from Dan Roam.

Awesome Typo

Did anyone see this slideshow on the NYTimes web site this morning? This screen capture is a bit too fuzzy to read, but here is the text:

"Former President Al Gore, the founder of the media company that employs the journalists, hugged Ms. Lee. The two women who were stopped on March 17 by soldiers near North Korea's border with China while researching a report about women and human trafficking. They faced years of imprisonment in the gulag-like confines of a North Korean prison camp."

Ahhh, the New York Times. It doesn't matter how much you WANT it to be true, Al Gore was never the President.

Incidentally, did anyone else think that Euna Lee was much cuter in these photos than she appeared in that one picture the press has been showing of her since she was captured? Maybe she should write a book: Lose Weight and Look Great with the North Korean Hard Labor Gulag Diet.

Open Mic Night at the Supreme Court Hearings

Did Senator Tom Coburn just do a Ricky Ricardo voice? Is SoSo now Lucille Balle?

I hear Senator Russ Feingold is going to work "Pow alice! Straight to the moon!" into his questioning...

Programming Note - We are going to recap the whole confirmation hearing with the TurdHurdler, the New Hosecast Legal and Gay Matchmaking Correspondent!

More teabagging

I live in the Bay Area, where any tax is a good and justifiable tax. But today I took a business trip to the Inland Empire – California’s GOP country. Hosers occasionally call me a rich guy. I’m not there yet, but I have nothing to complain about (though I would trade it all for a little more). Today I was cruising around with my boss who really is a rich guy, and a guy whose company we bought for nine figures. He’s a really, really rich guy. We drove by all these crazy MF’s protesting the tax system.

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Don’t get me wrong - we were all very touched that these working stiffs would cash in their precious vacation days to protest President Obama’s tax policy, which would raise taxes very slightly for the guys in my car, and lower them for all the sign wavers. That shows a real commitment to their countryman. Still, I’m not sure I understand their position. Are all these people really out here protesting a 3% increase in the marginal tax rate for people making over $250,000? Who would possibly be sympathetic to that position, except plutocrats?

The only other explanation is that these people cheered while their party dramatically decreased government revenue and increased government spending during an economic expansion, but are now taking to the streets because the other party is also increasing spending, this time to stave off the next great depression. That makes even less sense.

This is going to be a bizarre couple of years, GOP-wise. I predict they will put forth a real crazy dude in 2006.

Teabagging in the Free World

Political protests are fun. People are all worked up, there are usually hot chicks floating around. It can be a good scene. There's a dark side though. People who are out there earnestly are usually pretty nuts. I remember 2003 when the Iraq War was hot, I attended a protest in downtown San Francisco to soak in the scene. Ostensibly, everyone was there to talk Iraq. As I looked around, I noticed that people were out there representing a variety of interests and agendas, shouting things about gay marriage a ban on nuclear stuff etc.

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So basically you have no control over what's going on out there. I get that. Still it's a little dangerous. Sure you might be out there because you are some intense deficit hawk. Hey, if that's what you care about, great. Who am I to judge?
But you run the risk of standing next to some libertard nutjob who wants more automatic weapons and no taxes. I mean what if you end standing next to a dude holding a sign that says "End the Fed", like I saw on MSNBC today. Who wants to end the fed? What are you talking about? How would our banking system (such as it is) work without that?

Worse yet, what if you end up standing next to this dude. Not only is he crazy, he's mixing metaphors worse than Manolo on a whiskey bender. What do the Wayans Brothers have to do with anything?

I also think this might lack the purity of other protests. I am not entirely sure how credible this "movement" is. Fox News have been undermining the event by becoming part of the story. .There's a lot of debate about how "grassroots' these things are and the connection between these events and the Boston Tea Party are tenuous at best. Of course, that has not stopped d*uche bag politicians (sup Rick Perry) from stepping in and pandering to anyone who will listen. Of course, idiots that they are, CNN undermined their credibility by just showing up and picking a fight.

You gotta love that Anderson Cooper though. As a master of giving and receiving teabags, he just can't get enough of this joke. I'll be honest. Neither can I!

Embarrasing Democrats Part 1

Most of you know me for the pinko that I am. I want big government, gays everywhere (generating awesome dance music day and night if possible), and embryonic stem cell research into accentuating my cheek bones.

I hope you also acknowledge that I am an equal opportunity hater. Sure I think Glenn Beck is frightening and Lou Dobbs is a criminally bigoted, but I also find Keith Olbermann totally insufferable and Rachel Maddow's default smirk face really annoying.

The place where my equal opportunity skin crawls the most is Congressional hearings. We consistently learn a few things from these hearings
(1) Barney Frank is partisan but hysterical
(2) Every member of the House of Representatives is a grandstanding tool
(3) Most of them have no idea what they are talking about

Maxine Waters is the Congresswoman from Watts (LA County). Last week, she was investigated for potentially directing TARP funds to a Bank her husband is on the board of. Yesterday, during the AIG hearing with Secretary Geithner and Chairman Bernake, she made a point of implying that some how Goldman Sachs and their alumni were driving all the bail out decision in such a direction that would be beneficial to Goldman. Geithner almost threw up in his mouth when he realized where this nonsense was going:


Given that over half of our readership are employees at Goldman (according to Sparks), I have to take umbrage here. Shut up please. The people of Watts deserve better.

The incomparable Michelle Bachmann is also on this committee. Yesterday she managed to prove she has no idea how the Constitution and the legislative process works but that's a discussion for another day.

The Hose opposes H.R. 1586

Yesterday the House of Representatives passed H.R. 1586, a bill that would institute a 90% tax rate on employee bonus payments from firms taking more than $5 billion in TARP money. The bill received overwhelming bi-partisan support, resulting in a vote of 328-93. The Senate seems likely to support a similar bill, and the President has expressed interest in signing something along these lines. The Hose editorial board soundly opposes this capricious, retroactive, and possibly unconstitutional seizure of property. H.R. 1586 has the following troublesome provisions:

• The bill is a reaction to the excessive bonuses paid to executives at the morally and fiscally bankrupt insurance giant, AIG. However, by including in its reach employees at any firm accepting more than $5 billion in TARP money, the bill extends the punitive provisions to even low-level employees at basically every major American financial institution.


• The bill covers banks like JPMorgan and Goldman Sachs that took TARP money at the request of the Treasury. Punishing these healthy and helpful firms now seriously undermines any future effort on the part of the Treasury to orchestrate financial relief. No CEO in his/her right mind will participate in Treasury-coordinated programs when such abusive retroactive costs are a possibility.


• Several prominent Hose supporters will be ensnared in this unsavory wealth-grab. We look out for our own.


• Americans deserve a certain degree of tax predictability. Most of the money involved here was paid out in January of 2009 (bonus season for banks). People have spent the money, invested it, paid down mortgages or other debt, etc. Many of these people will have real trouble coming up with funds to pay this retroactive tripling of their taxes.


• This represents an unwanted and unpleasant distraction from March Madness.

The Hose editorial board urges you to contact your Senators and tell them to vote NO on the Senate version of H.R. 1586.

Jim Cramer Can't Catch a Break

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

The Sheinhardt Wig Company, through its subsidiary GE, found a bus and shoved poor Jim under it this morning. Under the pretense of "synergy", the mothership had Cramer and Street Sweetie Erin Burnett show up on Today for some coffee klatch with Meredith Viera. Of course, the show producers, clearly under the duress, sold Jim out. It gets painful around the 3:30 mark when Meredith cuts to a clip of the Jon Stewart killing Cramer some more. The split screen, and Jim's sinking face is what makes it all worth it.

This just in, Sheinhardt is now making Cramer show up on the Daily Show this coming Thursday in attempt to put an end to all hostilities. I think the segment will include Immelt running on stage and giving Jim a wedgie.

Update(Wednesday Morning):
This is unfair. It's like kicking a dude when down.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Basic Cable Personality Clash Skirmish '09

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things With Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Economic Crisis

Stewart on Dora the Explorer, ragging on cnbc, at the 730 mark is particularly funny

The Countdown Begins - Le Trois Announces Senate Run!!!!!!!

oh wow

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

CNBC Gives Financial Advice

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things With Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Joke of the Day

The pantsing of fat cats continues unabated...The Daily Show decided to appease its base and go after Cable News...

A Confused Resident of Twitteronia

I really don't get Twitter, I usually get on, say something silly and check to see if QuietStorm has done a 140 character review of a movie or album. But it's really been picking up steam lately so I decided to play around with it a bit more.

In honor of my fifth favorite state, Arizona, I decided to follow my three favorite Arizonians on Twitter. They are in order - Shaq, Steve Nash (our nations favorite socialist), and of course John McCain (the senior senator from Arizona and father to the most self involved 22 year old ever).

All three are serious Twitter users but all have different agendas.

Shaq is constantly twittering. The Big InterWeb is basically on his Blackberry constantly; offering to buy people slurpies, letting people know he extra Suns tickets in his pockets, telling people to meet him on given street corners in downtown Phoenix, and goofing on Chris Bosh as he scores 45pts on him in a game. It's crazy.

Nash is much more nuanced in his usage. Steve only involves himself as a foil to Shaq, making witty comments and setting Shaq up on the break like a good straight man/point guard.

John McCain is a whole other matter. He has decided to use his twitter feed to keep us up to date on the latest "pork barrell" spending he finds in whatever bill is being argued before the Senate at that moment. Entries like this are common:

SenJohnMcCain #3. $380,000 to revitalize downtown Aliceville, AL
about 8 hours ago from web

Right, because I care. These are billion dollar spending bills, dude. If every once in a while a dude needs a lamppost painted somewhere, I think we as a country can power through. Wake me up if Eric Cantor attaches a rider that frees up 150K to pay off his bookie. Otherwise, leave me alone.

Still as I watch dudes twitter away, I wonder, what's the point? Everyone seems to be doing it. I am following Tina Fey and all she talks about is junk food. It's weird. Someone explain it to me, please

The rudderless but loyal opposition

Check out David Brooks ripping future Hose Contributor, Bobby Jendel to shreds...



Do you think Brooks was making a Lebowski reference with this talk of being a "Nihilist"?

I smell a drinking game.

One of my friends on facebook called Jendel a coconut...that's a bit over the top I think. Especially when we can point out that he took the name Bobby because he was a fan of the Brady Bunch growing up...

In other news, Olbermann's streak of d-bagery continues with that "oh god" business. Way to be a professional Keith!

Ready, Set, Sexism!

omg...the 40 second mark! Brilliance!

Crazy person

Known She-male and reputed political pundit, Ann Coulter showed up for a slap fight with Matt on the Today show...

It just makes you want to watch more Regis

Open Letter to David Plouffe

Sir,

It would be better if you sat down before we discussed this. Some of this may shock you.

The Election is over. As the dictated by law, we had elections on November 4th, and yes, Barack Obama is President. You won. Why do you insist on emailing me from the "Obama for America" distribution list?

I read the newspaper, I know that the National Security Team is now in place. I don't need you to update me on the transition, a transition you have no obvious role in. It would be one thing I suppose if you wrote asking for a donation for the run off Senatorial election in Georgia. But you didn't and now that's going to go the way its going to go.

Go be like David Axelrod, who's moved on, most likely working on his Tobey Zeigler impression somewhere. It's time to let go, its time to leave the bunker and move on with your life. It's be two years. Take a vacation. More importantly leave me alone.
I'm sure they have a nice gig lined up for you in White House Communications set to start when you get back.

As an aside, I do miss getting emails from Barack and Michelle. Those were fun. Lots of characters from the election were fun. I think Reggie Love should start a blog, so we can continue to follow his Turtle like escapades as Barack's body man. "Got another email from Scarlett Jo, she just can't take a hint" or "Dunked on the President Elect Today, made a poster of him. The secret service tackled me mid air". I am all for a reality show following Reggie around. Our country is in such bad shape we need this, Today!

Your brother in peace,

xtian

Quiet Lull

Everyone is too scared to make a call of any note in a swing state. MSNBC cut to Grant Park to talk to a little black girl who is super excited about Barack...

Texas just went to Sen. McCain but Catjjy and I just did some math and are feeling pretty good about things