Counting Down

I know this crew is disproportionately made up of Scarlett Johansson music fans. So just in case you aren't on the listserv I figured I would take this opportunity to point that the single to her forthcoming duet album with Pete Yorn, Relator (Vinyl) comes out June 20th!

Reserve your copy now! or you know just stare at this picture indefinitely

The Hosecast Episode 8: Over/Under Celebrity Edition

Because you don't hate us enough yet, Evil came back and dragged xTian into more offensive chatter...

This week we build off the ongoing discussion of celebrity hotness. Evil tests xTian's ability to guess potential ages of female celebrities. Along the way, the guys discuss what makes these women more or less hot and the downside of Crystal Meth.

Listen to the whole discussion here.

We'll be back Friday with an in-depth interview with KillerB on his Galapagos quest!

Subscribe via iTunes here

Manolo Reads The Paper

A few days ago, xTian posted the front page of the New York Post.

Today, I give you the NY Times online version that greeted me this morning (perhaps I should clear the cookies in my browser cache).

Since we are done with American Idol, I think one of our analysts should start working on the Mark Sanchez bracket...

Everyone should look at the Jets calendar (minicamp, exhibition games, regular games) and guess when one of the NY tabloids will actually run out of single entendres and splash the back page (or front page) with "Dirty Sanchez." The actual reason doesn't matter. It could be something he does in a game or it could be something like impregnating a 16-year old American Apparel model at his next photo shoot...

Manolo Pitches A New TV Show

Hey people,

I AM BACK!!!! Not really...You see, I am no longer failing in life or online so I don't need The Hose for validation...I have a life unlike some people (I am looking at you Evil)....

Nevertheless, I came across the following video of Ricky Gervais and Elmo on Sesame Street and I could not in good conscience not share it with my dimwitted Hosers and their 3-4 readers...



Can you imagine a show with these two? I don't know who was funnier...Are there any TV network executives paying attention? I would so watch this show in a heartbeat...

"Where did you lose this interview? Where? Where?" Hahaha...Brilliant on Elmo's part....

"Do you know what necrophilia is?" GENIUS!!!!

I'm working on my DeNiro impression

I was proclaiming the imminent shark jumping of 30 Rock, but Alec Baldwin, douche or not (I say not), continues to provide us much viewing pleasure. Last Thursday's episode had a scene that I am still giggling about: Jack Donaghy does Robert DeNiro as an auctioneer.

The Douche List

Nepotism rocks! For my first Hose post, I thought I’d clarify and expound a bit on my earlier comment on a douche list, which for some reason, xTian always shortens as d*, but since I’m a girl, I figure I have full rights to the full name.

So for a long time, I’ve been harboring a trivial annoyance with certain public figures. Now that I’m a Hoser, I’m going to solidify these annoyances into my douche list. It really is only a list of four, but each of these has been thoroughly vetted.

1. Peyton Manning
2. Matt Lauer
3. John Mayer
4. Matthew McConaughey

I puzzled over this some because a) who cares to have an opinion, much less a strong one, about any of these people b) what does one have to do to earn a position on the douche list and c) why are not some obvious candidates not on the douche list, such as Charlie Sheen and Ryan Seacrest? XTian came up with a good starting point, and I will quote him here for purposes of accuracy:

“Limited data here but I think you are reacting to ratio of success/popularity to general lack of personality.

Here's what I mean, Seacrest while kind of annoying is ubiquitous but at the same time he is not taken seriously so he does not raise your douche meter

John Meyer, writer of catchy but unremarkable songs and possessor of inoffensive looks is hooked up with super woman Jennifer Aniston and sells more music than anyone. Thus, Douche Alert!

and on and on.”

This was something to build upon. If we take popularity to be P, and dullness to be D, then a high P/D ratio would indicate placement on the list. There is more to it though, because this does not account for Charlie Sheen and Ryan Seacrest, who are very successful, much more so than their talent would indicate, and also have very boring public personae. I will add to the mix the element of immodesty (I). Peyton Manning is SO annoying because he’s a student of the game. He works hard. He watches tape. He loves football. He pouts when he loses because dammit, he’s a student of the game, he works hard, he watches tape, he loves football. Lots of people work hard. I haven’t watched morning television in some years now, so this may have changed, but I very much dislike Matt Lauer’s interviewing skills. As if 3 minute segments make him an expert on bioethics/economic history/new trends in fashion for spring. He’s like a social studies teacher, just ahead of his audience by 10 minutes but acting with total authority (and I say this as a former social studies teacher).

So let’s revise that equation to be P/D + I = Douche.

I’m not really always snarky. It just seems that way.

Crazy person

Known She-male and reputed political pundit, Ann Coulter showed up for a slap fight with Matt on the Today show...

It just makes you want to watch more Regis

xtian is undone

 


Evil and I walked around a bit on Friday night, soaking in the Halloween scene. As we crossed Elizabeth Street, I quickly turned to Evil and said

"That's Media Mogul/Star Editor-At-Large/Time Out NY Dating Columnist Julia Allison!"

His response was something to the effect of "No way"

He drifted over to her and whispered in the creepiest way possible "Are you Julia Allison?"

"Yes" she chirped...

I'll admit, I was elated. I am legitimately a huge fan of hers. Wierd I know. However, I have always been fascinated by her TV appearances on MSNBC and Fox News. Beyond that, Gawker spent a good deal of time obsessed with her. Most recently, I developed a new found appreciation for her reading this article a few months ago. She clearly knows how to generate buzz.

Evil and I have been plotting quietly about how to finally take the world by storm, using her story as a blue print.

She definitely sticks out, even on the street in costume. I mean she's gorgeous in person. Though shorter than I imagined. Perky, and generally engaging, the sort of chick that could take over a room when she entered...

Evil noticing how slackjawed I was, asked if I wanted a photo with her.

"Noooooooooo" I stammered, before recovering and following up with a question of my own "Would you like one?"

Evil quickly resisted while communicating a mild disgust that was directed to me, but not in an obvious way.

Looking back at us, she pipped in with a snarky "Thanks guys..."

Realizing that we were ruining this, I took action. Stuttering and tripping over myself, I brushed past Evil to get to her.

Mid pose, she switched sides, offer that this pose was on her good side...

Staring at her boobs I asked quietly "you have a good side?"

Stupid! Stupid! It did not come out the way I intended. Nothing was. Oh no!

She looked back at me judgingly.

"I mean a better side" I offered meekly...attempting a recovery after banging my head on the diving board.

We stood there for a moment, watching her and her friends bound down the street.

Evil managed to laugh at me the whole walk to the next bar.

The Cha takes over

It seems that The Cha is the new face of The Hose. I must be the only person (perhaps excluding Catjjy) who sees this as a reasonable trade for Padma.

It's been a big week for me, Hose-wise. Three posts, several comments, and now the boy as frontman.

P.S. - Whose banana do you have to peel to get your name listed as a Hoser on the right-side of the screen? Is there voting involved, like there was to get Manolo kicked out?

Does the Mamacita work for the NSA?

Check this out, a comment from the mamacita earlier today:

"Also, should we have real people visible on the site? What happened to no real names? I am afraid that the wrong people will go on Facebook, connect everyone together, and somehow we will all be indicted."

Lots of questions here -
Who is going to take the face that is the "O" in our site and connect it to a real name and then go thru the exercise of connecting all of us together? We need to do a lot of pattern matching across the WWW. I took a computer science course or ten. I know how much resource that takes. Who exactly cares enough to do that? Also, when did Dr. Cosby become a reader of the hose?

Manolo Thinks He Offended Someone

I have been working with a buyer who is interested in buying a sizable chunk of my project. The lawyers have to fix some minor line items in the contract but the deal has been agreed upon on principle. The developer wanted to meet this buyer so he invited the buyer, his Realtor and me to his house for cocktails.

I have been in this house and it’s the house I want when I finally have some money. This house was designed, built and decorated by the developer himself. It has an open floor plan. The whole first floor is open with no dividing walls so you can see everything and everybody whether you are the kitchen, or the dining room or the living room. You have huge windows all around so you can see the backyard or the people jogging by. Anyway, we are engaging in small talk when this super cute 6-7 year old girl with long flowing black hair wearing a light pink swimming trunk with lots of flowers and a dark pink shirt comes running in. She shyly waves hello to everybody when she is introduced as Andy and immediately starts to play with two Labradors that were lying by the pool.

After 5-10 minutes the little girl gets tired of playing with the dogs and sits next to me. I have always been great with kids so I kind of engage in small talk but no reaction. This is expected because she doesn’t know me and probably has been properly taught not to talk to strangers. She just looks down at her feet and after a minute or two, she leaves again. As she opens the door, the dogs sneak into the house and run towards me. They already know me from my previous visits so they just jump on me hoping that I will play with them…I borrow a tennis ball little Andy has and throw it a couple of times. The kid and I start then start playing catch having the dogs go back and forth between us.

It seemed as if the dogs had vouched for me because all of a sudden the little girl started talking to me. She told me how she went fishing and caught a lobster with her hands and how she swam with the dolphins that morning and how…….All of a sudden, I became her best friend…

It also seems our host has his door always open because other kids and adults are coming in, saying hello, hanging out for 3-5 minutes or giving each other the heads up as to the next event and walking right out…At one point, we transition to the kitchen where our host is going crazy on his Viking stove while we are munching on cheese and olives and engaging in chit chat. Everyone is exchanging recipes and I let everyone what a mean piña colada I can make, or succulent roast pork or how I make the best mango salsa ever…

As this is going on, I hear the front door open and someone else walks into the kitchen and says: “My kid loves mango salsa…You MUST give me the recipe”

I am always very protective of my recipes so I jokingly answer to the group in a very serious tone…”No, I will not give you my recipe…I don’t give my recipes to just ANYONE…I guess I could tell you but then I would have to kill you.”

No one laughs at my joke. Maybe it wasn’t funny but they could have given me a pity laugh or something. I turn around and I am looking at the Godfather III himself. I am a huge Godfather fan and have seen the movies a gazillion times (even Godfather III which is not even on the same scale as the first two…freaking whiny Sofia Coppola messed up the movie…)

Anyway, I digress….I am looking at none other than Vincent Mancini…It is freaking Andy Garcia in matching pink shorts with one of those old Cuban straw hats and Harry Potter glasses…

He just looks at me funny and walks away without even giving me a chance to say I was joking. He goes on to sit in the dining room by himself. Our host then proceeds to tell us how he has been friends with Andy since 1972 and how they play the drums together and how they try to keep up with Arturo Sandoval to no avail…He is obviously proud of his friendship with Andy and talks of their days back in high school…

The little girl comes in yelling "daddy" and sits on Mr. Garcia’s lap. I am glad I spent those 10-15 minutes talking to the kid because the kid will now smooth any ruffle feathers between me and Mr. Garcia…They just need some quiet time….father and daughter…father will ask the daughter what she has been up to and she will say she was playing catch with me and the dogs and how much fun she had…I need this conversation to happen so the guy doesn’t think I am a total douche bag.

This conversation is interrupted by the ringing of my cell phone which is on the dining room table where Mr. Garcia is sitting with his daughter. Again, huge Godfather fan so if you haven’t heard my ring tone before, you can guess what it is. It is the actual Godfather theme music…As I am walking towards the table, Mr. Garcia grabs the phone and hands it to me while giving me a very quizzical look.

The rest of the night progressed with Mr. Garcia and I keeping our distance even though we were less than 3 feet from each other. After a few more drinks and more chit chat, it was time to say our goodbyes. Mr. Garcia was being polite when he gave me his hand. I knew it and he knew it but that was okay because the lovely little girl Andy came out of whatever corner she was hiding out to become my savior. She comes to tell me how one of the dogs licked her in the face and that she will show me pictures of her lobster and…I see a smile forms in the proud father’s face…

I start to apologize about the mango salsa and proceed to tell him that if I knew that the mango salsa was for his kid, I would have given to him in a heartbeat because of such a lovely kid. I tell him how she and I became best friends and how she told me how she caught a lobster and how she swam with the dolphins and…

His smile is gone…his eyes narrow…his jaw clenches…his lips move…

“SHE IS A HE…HE IS A BOY….”