Star F*cker

Evil


At the office, we host a weekly speaker series. It's called "Tech Talk." We've had leading scientists, professors, and business leaders from the tech industry come speak to us. The Tech Talk is usually during lunch, so people just go to the cafeteria, get some food, and listen to some smart guy (or sometimes, gal) talk. These events are usually sparsely attended. I mean, do I really care if the world's leading authority on quantum computing is here to talk about how his research can lead to processors that solve NP-Complete problems in polynomial time? C'mon! What we all want to know is how to get computers to download porn faster.

But anyway, this week was no ordinary week for Tech Talk. At around 11:30am, I started to hear the buzz. People in the hallway were saying things like, "Are you going to get your lunch early and grab a seat in the front?" People at the urinals were saying things like, "Are you going?" "Yeah!" I had scheduled a team lunch to welcome someone who just joined the company. But due to overwhelming demand from other people on the team, I had to re-schedule.

Why? Because the "PC" guy from the Mac & PC commercials was in the house. He came to our New York office to give this week's Tech Talk. We even did live video conference to 4 other offices, 2 of which were international. The guy spoke for an hour and then signed autographs and copies of his book for a full hour after that. At some point, he might have gotten a BJ, but I can't say for sure.

Guy Love

The Bumpasaurus and Manolo Story captured in song and interpretted by Zach Braff and Donald Faison

Critical Update

Evil

For dinner tonight: half a bar of dark chocolate. For dessert: self-reflection. Contemplating my own sadness. Watching Pats-Colts game in the background. Not sure what to do now.

Eye on the Prize

Evil


If you haven't already, go visit the blog of our friends Evil Twins to read about ET#2's triumphant marathon through Philly.

This Is True Love

Evil

The women out there are always swooning and cooing over depictions of love they see in Zales commercials and Meg Ryan movies. Ugh. That's not love. THIS is love.

The Hold Steady - Chips Ahoy!

WOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOO

In case you were wondering where Mr. Met was

But Mr. Met , you're a month early for Mardi Gras....those beads won't get you any boobies yet

Let the Baby-Making Begin!

Evil

Being apparently more Asian than me, Evil Twin #1 informed me that 2007 is not only the Year of the Pig on the lunar calendar, but it's the year of the Golden Pig. Babies born in the year of the golden pig are said to be blessed with great fortune and the ability to lay eggs of solid gold. So long as you don't cut these babies in half, you greedy bastards, you'd be set for life.


Doing some math (Manolo style)... babies take about 9 months to pop out... a month is already gone from 2007... that leaves only 2 months for me to get a baby started! Man, I better get going. Or rather, I better get mentally prepared for more failure. Thanks, Evil Twin #1.

The Big Winner

Evil

Following the NFL playoffs this year has made me realize something: what Tom Brady is to football, KenTak3 is to real life. I mean, Tom Brady is the consumate winner on the gridiron. But KenTak3 is the winner in life. The matinee idol. The Hall-of-Famer-in-Waiting.

Agree or disagree? Please discuss.

On a related note: XTIAN is Chad Pennington. Weak arm. Cerebral, but look how far in the playoffs (or life) that's gotten him.

The Prayer

This Album might end up being a bigger deal!

The Shins - Phantom Limb

I'm quite pumped about this new album...i've heard a few tracks and i think its going to be quite great

Manolo Finds Love

I am in love...I am so getting one of these...look at some of its features.

I Am Not a Stoner!

Evil

I've been excitedly telling people that my wii is going to arrive in the mail tomorrow!!! Except that everyone has been responding with "You're getting weed in the mail?!" I am not a stoner, people.

Manolo's Public Service Announcement #3

The Bucking Bronco is an all time classic sex act. You start by going doggy style and then just when she is really enjoying it, you grab her breasts or hips as tight as possible and repeatedly yell another girls name. This gives you the feeling of riding a wild bronco as she desperately tries to buck you off.

Manolo Does The Bucking Bronco

I bested my record by 3 seconds...My new personal record is 11 seconds!!!

Genius!

Evil

Way, way back in the day, I was a fledgling student of journalism. I don't remember much from those days (or for that matter, last week), but I do still appreciate a well-written article.

I just read this feature article, which has a killer lead.

Manolo Does Some Math

I have always contended that most women (not all) plan their weddings and the man they are going to marry years in advance. Men on the other hand just wake up one day and decide they want to be married and have kids. The gal that happens to be with them at that particular juncture of their lives usually ends up getting the ring. That is why there are plenty of guys who break up after 4-5 years of dating someone and then get engaged to the first girl they like.

I recently woke up with that thought in my head. In April of this year I will be turning 30 and I have realized I have gotten to that juncture in my life. In other words, I am ready to settle down and will like you to keep me in mind when you are trying to hook someone up...

I have only one minor request besides the obvious fact that she doesn’t look like Dostoevsky. She has to be between 24 and 27 years of age. Someone older just won’t work in my mental equation…

You see, I did some math and this is what I arrived at...I am going to meet someone and it will take about two years from meeting her to the rituals of courtship to actually marrying her. I think every couple need some time for themselves to get to know each other before any kids are brought into the picture. Therefore, I believe my new bride and I will need about 2-3 years to really get to know each other.

After she finds out I am a sick bastard but still love me enough not to leave me, 5 years or have passed before we have our first kid...and I want to have the second and third kid right after…

When you take into consideration a woman’s biological clock and the “expiration date” of their eggs, that means I can’t marry someone older than 27 because by the time the first kid rolls around, the prime childbearing age threshold would have been crossed and this could lead to unnecessary complications.

Anyway, feel free to either correct my math or to let me know when I can expect my first introduction to that special someone…

NYC

Evil

I thought Evil Twin #1 was coming to town this weekend? Wha-ha-pened? Where is she? Up to some evil doings perhaps!

One Step Forward, Two Steps BacK

Evil


All the world records in typing speed have been set using the Dvorak layout keyboard. It's also supposed to be much more ergonomic. I'm trying to learn it. This post has take me forever to type. Little steps, I guess.

Date Places?

Evil

In (perhaps unrealistic) anticipation of having an active social life in 2007, I'm asking for your help! What are some good date places for dinner? You know, 2 people, good food and ambiance that leads to chicks finding me attractive.

Brotha, Can You Spare A Wii?

Evil
I need a wii. I neeeeeeed a wii. I'll do anything or a wii. Can someone help me out?

Bets For The New Year

Evil

Officially, I am NOT taking bets because that might be illegal if these servers aren't offshore. But let's just say we can do these deals offline. Email me! Even money. $20 per bet. Here are the categories. Timeframe is now til Dec 31, 2007.

* Number of dogs living in the Mamacita/KenTak3 household by the end of the year
Over/Under = 1

* Number of women impregnated by Xtian
Over/Under =1

* Number of months til Xtian buys a house/apartment
Over/Under = 6

* Number of times Evil refills is Ambien prescription
Over/Under = 6

* Who will get married first in 2007:
(a) KenTak3, (b) Manolo, (c) Evil, (d), Mr. Shoulders, (e) Xtian, (f) None

* Who wil have a nervous breakdown first in 2007:
(a) KenTak3, (b) Manolo, (c) Evil, (d), Mr. Shoulders, (e) Xtian, (f) None

* Who will post more on The Hose in 2007:
(a) Xtian, (b) Evil, (c) Soon-to-be-announced new writer!

* Condition that Mr. Shoulders is most likely to come down with:
(a) torn rotator cuff, (b) pulled hamstring, (c) the clap, (d) sickle cell disease, (e) stroke

* Condition that Xtian is most likely to come down with:
(a) the clap, (b) the clap, (c) the clap, (d) depression, (e) bipolar disorder

* Condition that KenTak3 is most likely to come down with:
(a) rust, (b) blue screen, (c) memory fault, (d) overheating, (e) BIOS discontinued

* Condition that Evil is most likely to come down with:
(a) loneliness, (b) bed sores, (c) lupus, (d) painkiller addiction, (e) death

The Look of Sheer Disappointment

Evil


In the above photo, the gifter is clearly very pleased with the gift that he selected. It's a little lab coat and toy stethescope. The gifter is pointing to the custom embroidery, which reads "Jason" (the giftee's name). The giftee, who's dad is a doctor, is clearly not as pleased as the gifter. In fact, the thought going through his mind? "My uncle, the gifter, is an asshole."

Desperate Act of Self-Validation

Evil

Congrats to Mr. Shoulders for getting the Porsche. That guy is so money, he doesn't even know it. My friends are an accomplished bunch. All very successful. Graduate degrees. People who love them. Well-written blogs. Crazy! Because I have none of those things, I have to resort to desperate acts of self-validation. Like this post, which has the apt and funny "show off show off" comment from Mamacita. Well, here comes another dammit!

For Xmas this year, I got a gift from the US Patent Office! The patent application was filed way back in 2000 and since it had gone so long without approval, I figured it would just never make it through. But surprisingly, the patent was granted recently. Aww yeah! Will this translate into more ass with the geeky chicks?

To read the very exciting (not!) patent, go here:

http://patft.uspto.gov/netahtml/PTO/search-adv.htm

In the "Query" box, search for:

"in/last-first"

(Replace "last" with my real last name, and "first" with my real first name.)

I'd link to the doc directly, except that... well, you know. (State of Delaware, State of Virginia, State of Florida: Screw you! You will never find me!!!)

It's 2007! Party On, Biotches.

Evil

Hey, happy 2007 to all you Hosers out there! I hope your 2006 ended with a bang, because mine sure as heck didn't. But hey, I can't complain. At least I wasn't hanged or anything! (And have the video show up on YouTube.)

Oh, one unrelated note... Super Bowl is Feb 4th this year. Super Bowl party at my place. Get ready for Jets vs. Giants in an all-NY Super Bowl.