Manolo and Balls Mahoney, playing with the sand in between their toes...with horses

My old roommate, Balls Mahoney got married this past weekend. I was pleasantly surprised to be invited. At the end of the day I am not that good at keeping in touch with people and Balls is a good example of this. For example, this past December, Balls called to mention he was in NY and wanted to get together. I wasn't sure if I was mortified because I took a call from the toilet or because I had not told a good friend that I had moved to California 16 months prior to receiving this call.

Sitting at the Columbia University Chapel, I reflected on what a poor friend I am, on how even now I am getting invited to parties in the Bay Area and ignoring invitations to play "No Limit, Texas Hold'em" in SF. Right then and there, I resolved to do a better job as a friend. I was so gripped by these thoughts that I did not really look at the crowd as it formed. When I finally looked up, rather than seeing a ruddy cheeked, Boston Irish clan or a proper Chinese family, I was greeted by stares from a decidedly Indian looking family. At first, I reasoned:

"Hey, if I were getting married today there'd be a distracting amount of Indians there too"

Except it would be balanced by a disproportionately loud Latino contingent.

So this all merited further investigation. Maybe these people are sneaking one in, during the next 5-10 minutes, in between other services. It was worth checking in on. I asked someone standing in front who was getting married. The names he gave were not familiar. Not only that, but Balls was no where to be seen on the wedding schedule....

Holy shit! I went to the wrong church!

Before you run off and judge, let me defend myself. There are a couple of reasons I was sitting at the Chapel up at Columbia Chapel

(1)When last we got together, Balls had mentioned that the wedding was going to be in the Columbia area, This was logically supported by the fact that we were meeting on 95th St. He went as far as to mention "we were just getting some location details straightened out"

(2) The invitation I received, though very nice had been lost when I moved so really I had no idea about details. I had to call KenTak3 the night before to verify date and time (but not location)

(3)I really love Columbia University and have fond memories of walking by the chapel and wishing I could one day be at (or participate) in a wedding there.

(4) I generally suck

Not knowing what to do, my flee response kicked in.

By the time I stopped running I was on 114th and Amsterdam walking towards a Kinkos. Hoping http://www.theknot.com could bail me out. Instead I started making calls

I quickly called the bumpasaurus and he bailed me out. As an aside, I have to wonder what did people do before the advent of the cell phone and the internet? I make a mental note that I need either a wife or a blackberry very soon, if only to keep my personal schedule under control.

The wedding itself went off without a hitch except for the part where a disheveled, large headed Ecuadorian ran in thru the front door like something out of "The Graduate" only to fix his hair and find a seat with out creating any further commotion.

The reception was itself very classy. Subdued except for one very drunk white woman who kept flipping around a 4 year old Chinese girl in the air on the dance floor.

The one thing to mention here, is that Manolo is far better friends with Balls that I am to either of them and it touched me. After watching the slide show everyone in the audience thought it ok to debate the depth of their bond. The slide show started, very normally, presenting assorted pictures of the happy couple growing up...It was great. At some point though, Manolo's face overtook the whole situation. He was in every picture towards the end, often with out the future Mrs. Balls. His outsized personality captured forever on 32mm film. Look there's Balls and Manolo camping, here's a picture of Balls and Manolo hugging each other in tuxedos, and lest we forget here's the time Balls and Manolo went horseback riding on the beach as the sun was setting. I've been to a lot of gay weddings in the last few months, but let me say none of have been as heartwarming.

Except this was not a gay wedding at all, where was Balls' fiancee Sandy in all of this?! Why were there more photos of Manolo than either sets of parents or any number of siblings? Very strange...

By around 1am, things had gone from bad to worse. What started out as a group of 35 leaving the reception to head to a bar in Chelsea, ended with me, Manolo and an Asian girl looking for an HBI walking into a bar in the meat packing district. Normally at this point, I would have pulled a ken and just left. But tonight, Manolo, who was drinking like his boyfriend had just abandoned him (did he?) needed me, his brother, to step in and watch his back. Like most other nights spent with Manolo, this was going to end one of two ways
(1) He and I eating horse meat out of a garbage can in an alley way at 330am.
(2) He and I proclaiming a brotherly love in front of anywhere from 2-8 silicone supported boobies.

Surprisingly, it ended in a completely different way, with me ripping my blazer off a (different) Asian girl on 14th and 9th, giving a big thumbs to a happy group of party goers in a limo and running down the street like I owed somebody money.

Somewhere, Manolo is still drinking, and holding himself...

Evil

SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE THIS GUY

Evil

Since XTIAN and Manolo have gotten all political on us, I might as well weigh in. My fellow Americans, please be honest and tell me if you think this man is actually alive.



It looks to me like he died in 1994.

Evil



Lyle Menendez is the guy on the left. Manolo- please post a pic of yourself and everyone can have a good chuckle.

Evil

GUESS WHO'S THE CLOWN

This is tough one...

=====

GWTC: hey tom its [XXX]

EVIL: what do you want

GWTC: what does straight foward mean

EVIL: use it in a sentence

GWTC: you are pretty straightfoward

EVIL: oh
EVIL: it means "the opposite of complicated"
EVIL: something like "simple"

GWTC: oh
GWTC: is that good or bad

EVIL: who said it to you

EVIL: it's usually a good or neutral thing

GWTC: when a female says it to you

EVIL: generally not a bad thing
EVIL: yeah, it's either good or neutral
EVIL: not bad

GWTC: a female my age

EVIL: next time she says it, punch her in the stomach
EVIL: and see what happens

GWTC: what?

EVIL: you heard me
EVIL: punch to the gut
EVIL: it's funny

GWTC: that is wrong

EVIL: dont be so judgemental

GWTC: you know how many women get hit

EVIL: actually, i dont
EVIL: how would i know something like that??

GWTC: whatever
GWTC: is straight forward a name for a punch

EVIL: yah
EVIL: that's why it's funny
EVIL: like a left hook, or an uppercut

GWTC: oh man

EVIL: but a straightforward is a punch to the gut
EVIL: but you have to do it hard
EVIL: or else you're a wuss

GWTC: so basically you played with my mind

EVIL: no
EVIL: why would you say that
EVIL: now lemme go back to work

Evil

Apparently, our Japan office will be closed on Monday to commemorate "Respect-for-the-Aged Day." I did a little research and this sounds like a scam to me...

"Because Respect-for-the-Aged Day is a relatively new holiday, there are no customs particularly associated with this day. Usually, though, cultural programs and athletic events spotlighting the elderly are held in the community. In some elementary schools, kids draw pictures or make simple handicraft items to present to their grandparents or residents of nursing homes."

CMON! Dude, someone made up this holiday just to get off from work.

BTW, Ken... what are your plans for Monday?

Evil



I heard that Hooters is opening up shop in India. Man, I think that's crazy. Based on what I know about Indian men (sample size = 1, i.e. Mr. Shoulders), this sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. Those Hooter girls should brace themselves for several punches in the stomach.

Bush vs. Kerry

I don't know what Xtian was thinking but he opened the floodgates when he posted the link to WhiteHouseWest...

I don't want to get too political either but now I feel the need to make some sort of political statement.

Hopefully, it won't offend any of our readers...who am I kidding? We don't have any readers...

Evil

SMOKER'S VAGINA

Thanks to search engines, millions of people are able to find The Hose. OK, maybe not millions, but let's say tens of people are able to find The Hose. OK, to be honest, ones of people find The Hose. But there's good news... at the current rate of growth, our readership will break into the double digits sometime in mid-2005. XTIAN and I are already giving thought to monetizing all those eyeballs.

In the meantime, checking out how people find The Hose via search engines is quite amusing. Certainly more amusing than, say... doing one's job. HAH. Here are a few of my favorites:

bert and ernie ethnicity

gay ecuadorians

jenny finch's feet

"a woman to get kicked"

fat man picture with hose

Evil

Those of you who are loyal readers *coughcouch* might have asked yourself at some point: Hey, what ever happened to The Bumpasaurus? He'll post once or twice and manage to be fairly entertaining, but then he'll disappear for months. What's the deal you ask?

I think I had a Bumpasaurus sighting this weekend. Not in person. More exciting that that... On TV! In fact, I'm pretty sure I spotted The Bump while watching the Yankees-Orioles game.

Here, decide for yourself:

Anyone going to check out Jack & Bobby tonight???

Outdated Hurricane Review

I think I have been in hurricanes back when I lived in the islands but I was probably a little kid and really was oblivious to the weather related happenings of the world.

Last week Hurricane Frances had Miami on its sights and everyone was running around like a chicken without a head trying to stock up on the essentials. There were huge lines for gas, wood, water and those inventories promptly ran out. There was no electricity for a lot of people…I think all it needed to officially become a third world country was more Spanish people and maybe a messed up election or two…oh wait!!!

You couldn’t say the same thing about me. I was woefully under prepared and proud of it. My fuel gage was past the E mark and since I hardly ever drink water, I found no need to stand in line for 2 hours to buy H20. I had new hurricane impact resistant windows so there was no need for plywood or shutters.

You know what, I did go shopping. I went to the liquor store and bought some ice, vodka, whisky, rum, and tequila. I also visited Target but that was to stock up on a bunch of 3-ply toilet paper that was on special.

Since there is another hurricane around the corner, there were a couple of lessons learned that I will need to apply for this new one.

1) You need to have some sort of pre-hurricane party. Get really wasted so you are totally oblivious to what’s going on outside…
2) Create a schedule so you don’t suffer from “Cabin Fever.” Throw in Olympic events such as Dominoes, Pictionary, Monopoly and Twister.
3) Don’t buy condoms…you will just realize how lonely you are when you drink, get horny and start placing “booty calls.” Everyone I called was weathering the hurricane with “family or friends”…family and friends? what the f&@# is that?

Evil

Although I am evil, most people don't realize that I am also psychologically fragile.


XTIAN: what is Ray's #?

EVIL: i lost that kid's number

XTIAN: much the way ken lost yours

EVIL: stop trying to hurt my feelings
EVIL: who are you?
EVIL: my mom?

XTIAN: hah

EVIL: leave me alone
EVIL: bye

Cheap Attention Grabber...



(from Gawker)

Evil

I can't tell whether this ad campaign is the stupidest thing I've ever seen or whether it's secretly brilliant.



I mean, on the surface, it's retarded. You might also have seen the TV commercials. Those are way stupid. The premise isn't even consistent: "liquid" or "ice"? It would really be liquid or SOLID. Or perhaps... water or ice. But as it is, they mix it all up. That bothers me.

On the other hand, maybe this entire ad campaign is stupid in an ironic way. Just because Jessica Simpson is so stupid. But then again, I don't think that the hussies who design these ad campaigns are that smart.

HEH

Not to get too political...but...

http://whitehousewest.com/

Right now I feel like this guy

SHM ISO WM

I’m not much of a wing man. Most people know this about me.. Being a wing man is a thankless job; you hang out and make your friend look good (yawn) and maybe someone gets some ass, most likely it won’t be the wing man. The only guy who ever forced me into the wingman role was a fellow that Evil accurately (if unfortunately) dubbed Bobby Bo. Yes he was named after former Met, surly f*ck, and general maniac Bobby Bonilla. Bobby Bo was a legitimate maniac who once asked me to act on as his wing man while he stalked his ex-girlfriend from across the street of her apartment. I knew he was a crazy but always thought he was good for a few laughs. One such moment was when his job made him take a sabbatical and get into therapy, it provided me with cocktail party jokes for at least a month!

Being his wingman was easy. We’d be at a bar, a chick would come over he’d be this close to picking her up and need to go to the rest room. While she waited I’d step in and do the right thing:

“Get the f*ck out of here now, this kid is a crazy. Last night, he called a bartender a c**t for about 20 minutes. Don’t walk, run.”
So eventually even Bobby got the hint that I was not quite wing man material and left me alone. Yes he could go off at night play out his like Tom Cruise/Maverick fantasies,..but I was going to respond with a passive/aggressive “f*ck you bro! I ain’t no Goose! I ain’t no bland chinless, balding white guy to act as your comedic fodder! No Way”

This is all a rather long, round about way to introduce the idea that this week, I lost MY wingman of 6 to 8 years and honestly I don’t know what to do.

The exchange itself only took a second but everyone there recognized it for what it was. We were all standing on 14th St. and 9th Ave. and as he was about to jump in a cab he stops is like

“I’ll see you around”
There are three people standing there not getting into the cab, but the comment is directed at me. I look over at Evil, whose standing behind me and even his dense ass picked up on the significance of KenTak’s statement. That was it, maybe I was never Maverick but I was still loosing my Goose!

KenTak 3 is the best wingman ever. Unlike Mr. Shoulders who never seems to be having fun and is always a drag Ken managed to keep his opinions to himself, never act bored but never really enjoy himself. Unlike Mr. Shoulders, Ken could handle me saying:

“Hey, that stripper I just got a lap dance from looked really familiar to me and then at the end of the dance I realized she reminded me of my mother.”

Without getting too worked up or asking to leave or calling me sick. It’s a unique gift and it made us brothers.

Evil was never a good option either. One could never trust him because he’s…you know…evil…

As Evil and I walked towards our respective subway stops we didn’t say much. If I were to hazard a guess I would posit that Evil was debating which one of us were traded in for ½ ownership in a little dog and which one of us was put on waivers like Eddie George, broken down and unwanted…

The only thing I could say with certainty is that we both closed this whole line of ugly thinking with same question:

What now?

Evil

Sometimes I feel like this guy...

The Good/Bad Old Days



I just finished The Bad Guys Won! by Jeff Pearlman (an SI writer of some note and a Long Island guy of no note). The book is the true story of the greatest baseball team to ever grace a diamond...the 1986 NY Baseball Mets. Great stuff, everyone should hear about the coke excess and the hookers, and the backstabbing and how Daryl used to hate Gary Carter and call him camera because he was such a phony, and used to pop him in the face and so forth. I mention this because its funny - everyone should read as Kevin Mitchell denies slitting a cat's throat in front of Doc Gooden as an intimidation tactic. It's also important because of what I read on page 281.

Regarding whatever happened to then Met’s setup man, eventual closer and forever jackass, Randy Meyers, Pearlman writes:

“Randy Meyers saved 30-plus games six times including a career high 53with the Cubs in 1993….he lives in relative seclusion in Vancover, Washington where he hunts, fishes and practices Martial Arts. “

Wha? seclusion? Martial arts? hunting? Randy's clearly gone around the bend. I think Jeff forgot to mention the anti technology manifestos and the ritualistic sacrificing...

What’s in a name?

As mentioned in a previous post, the VMAs were in town this past weekend and I was lucky enough to get a ticket for the MTV VMA Block Party. I have no idea why I went…its not like I care who these people are and as a few of our readers will attest, I know very little about pop culture. The little I know I have picked up from hanging out with Xtian and my knowledge base mainly revolves around which videos have the most scantily clad voluptuous women. By the way, it’s usually the hip hop videos…

So there I am and I don’t know which end is up. Usher was there (who from what I hear it’s now supposed to be a gangsta rapper) and Jojo and Lil Jon were at one of the other stages…I also saw Puff Daddy who I knew from that “Every breath you take” song. Anyways, trying to fit in with the younger crowd I give a shout to Puffy. Two girls turn around, rolled their eyes and chastised me for calling him Puffy. “It’s P. Diddy now!”

The point of the story is to see if anyone remember a few years ago when Xtian announced that henceforth he was to be billed as Xtian and not the shorter version of his name which is what everybody called him? Does anyone also remember his attempts at variations of his name? He would use his middle name or his mother’s maiden name...

Word was that Xtian, who once seemed so cavalier about his name, was known to sternly admonish those who dare address him as X to “please call me Xtian”. I want to know if anyone got chastised for calling him plain old “Chris”…I certainly did…

Xtian’s stab at respect by changing his name from a diminutive to its more formal version was clearly an attempt to gain credibility and to lend him a much-needed air of maturity but the question we ask today was that the right move? I know it worked for Marky Mark (shout to Entourage on HBO) but did it work for Xtian? Does anyone actually respect him? Does anyone think of him as mature?

We have Sean Combos changing it to P. Diddy and we have Jennifer Lopez to JLo and who knows who else…Is Xtian going to go back to the shorter version once VH1 and MTV comes on knocking…

Anyways, going back to the VMAs, it was too hot, and I was too far from the red carpet so I went home and watched the Olympics Closing Ceremonies…Go Beijing 2008!

Evil

The MTV VMA pre-show has been going on strong for 30 minutes now, but no one is online to real-time blog with me. Maybe no one likes me. In desperation, I even checked out what ericf was up to. Mind you, ericf is like 35, has three daughters, and was a senior manager even years ago, when XTIAN and I worked for him.


EVIL: are you watching the MTV Video Music Awards?
ericf: no
ericf: why - interesting?
EVIL: oh
EVIL: why not?
EVIL: hahaha
ericf: lol - world series of poker, man!


I'm not sure who in that conversation was more lame.

Evil

They were showing the women's Olympic Tae Kwon Do competition on CNBC. If you're like me and not very familiar with Tae Kwon Do, let me catch you up quickly: this is a martial arts discipline that involves a lot of kicking. Specifically, a lot of kicking of your opponent's crotch area. How insane is that.



Being a dude, I'm not exactly sure how it feels for a woman to get kicked in the coochie, but I imagine it couldn't feel great. The weird thing about watching the TKD competition is that those chicks didn't even flinch. They just kept coming out with more kicks -- thereby exposing their coochie area again -- and then getting kicked all over again. I am baffled. Someone who owns a coochie please clear things up for me.

Semi-Famous

MTV is in town...therefore every club and bar has some sort of VMA event for better or for worse. Anyways, I find myself last night at Crobar with all sorts of semi-famous people. You know, those individuals that have some claim to fame which allows them to pass the velvet rope outside and look down on the little people...They give a nod to the bouncer and they bypass a line of 50 people...

Do you know who I am talking about? I am talking about that big breasted chick who got a high colonic from a girl who went to traffic school with Jennifer Lopez's Mom's former astrologer...or what about the guy who got drunk with the second cousin of Charlie Sheen's first parole officer...

What is my claim to fame? How did I bypass the velvet rope? How did I become one of those people? Well, one of my neighbors went to high school with a friend of a THIRD cousin of Gloria Estefan's former hair dresser back when Gloria was with the Miami Sound Machine.

Wooo!

INSIDE TRACK

First of all, I need to talk to the Treasurer so he can send me some money...then we need some Hose t-shirts and bikini thongs and fast... I have recently become acquaintances with one of the girls involved in the PR marketing for the MTV Video Music Awards and for the right amount, she is willing to put Hose T-shirts and thongs in the goodie bags...

In the meantime, until the shipment of Hose T-shirts and bikini thongs comes in, I have taken one of my "wife beaters" and with a black marker, have put the Hose address front and center...I will be at the MTV VMA Block Party taking one for the team due to our limited resources (and no Evil, not that way).

A.P.R.

I think a new phrase has to be added to the lexicon.

"Let's hug it out, Bitch"

Thanks to this phrase the flawed genius of Entourage will live on indefinitely.

Ari (as played by Jeremy Piven, heretofore known primarily for playing John Cusack’s best friend in every movie ever made), the smarmy stereotype Hollywood agent, dropped this quote on E (as in Eric...) after they were fighting over something stupid. I dig Ari. I think its lazy writing that in episode 2 he is JD/MBA from Michigan and in Episode 6 he claims to have taken business ethics at Harvard (HBS?). Of course they might redeem themselves if they reveal he's a college drop out who can't keep his educational background lies straight. Ari is a great character, possibly the only great character on that show.

Still, it’s the phrase that sticks. Though dropped subtly into the dialogue, it’s a really unique phrase that merits further meditation. What exactly does he mean?

Let’s hug it out – like let’s let our peace and mutual understanding manifest itself physically with a little intimate touching. Please feel free to caress anything on my back (buttocks excluded of course).

Or maybe its more like

Let’s hug it out – Hug me under the threat of physical violence. While we’re at it (hugging that is) I will work hard to suffocate you much like a deranged woman might her child. You will accept this because I am your better and you are a masochist begging for acceptance!

Which do you think is the right answer?

[xtian]: dude
[xtian]: was on randomtica yesterday
[Sleeve]: yeah?
[Sleeve]: you were on it?
[xtian]: no i was reading it
[xtian]: up the skirt
[xtian]: that pic was hot
[xtian]: hah
[Sleeve]: i like how she wrote not to look up the skirt
[xtian]: clearly drawing eyes up her skirt
[Sleeve]: yup...even she was looking up her skirt
[Sleeve]: she needs more up the skirt shots on that site
[xtian]: you need shots of that on your site too
[Sleeve]: i have topless photos of [sleeve's ex, the one without the blog]
[Sleeve]: i can post those
[xtian]: you should
[Sleeve]: haha.. you give good advice
[xtian]: i am going to post this conversation on the hose
[Sleeve]: please don't
[Sleeve]: :-D
[xtian]: i will post a scrubbed version of it
[xtian]: and allow you to link off, topless photos of [sleeve's ex, the one without the blog]
[xtian]: who had a great rack as i recall
[xtian]: no, wait she had a great ass
[Sleeve]: it was nice rack
[Sleeve]: i saw her on saturday at a party on 168th street
[xtian]: oh
[xtian]: what did she say?
[Sleeve]: why was i on 168th street is another story
[xtian]: visiting my old hood
[Sleeve]: "we should hang out... it's really good to see you"
[xtian]: i think that means she wants to hook up
[xtian]: you know what will close the deal though right?
[xtian]: posting pics of her on the web
[xtian]: then you're in there
[Sleeve]: and sending the link to her dad, to show off his little girl's assets
[xtian]: exactly
[xtian]: at least one of us hates women

Evil

EVIL: i watched about 6 hours of VH1 yesterday
EVIL: getting myself pumped up

XTIAN: heh

EVIL: HAHA

XTIAN: who's funnier, [The Bumpasaurus] or the Jesse Klien?
XTIAN: Who funnier, you or christian finnegan

EVIL: who's jesse klien?
EVIL: yo man

XTIAN: who's funnier, me or sharrod small

EVIL: do you krump?

XTIAN: i did a little on thursday

EVIL: there's no reason why i cant be on best week ever
EVIL: you know who my character will be?

XTIAN: i was cruising in the Jetta with 19 dudes
XTIAN: that was clowny

EVIL: i will be the creepy dude who Google-stalks people and celebs

XTIAN: google stalks?

EVIL: your character will essentially be The Man

XTIAN: you know who's not funny?

EVIL: how gay is it to be in a jetta with 19 dudes?

XTIAN: the guy with the gap in his teeth
XTIAN: jim sheer?
XTIAN: not sure

EVIL: i watched the new George Michael behind the music

XTIAN: you could be on Best Week Ever over him

EVIL: i was thinking exactly the same thing
EVIL: i saw him and was like
EVIL: whoa, i am better than him
EVIL: there a chick that looks like natalie portman's sister

XTIAN: you're not better than Miss Info though
XTIAN: that's Jessie Klien
XTIAN: she's hot

EVIL: the best week ever doesnt have the techno geek representation
EVIL: there is a slot there for one or both of us
EVIL: hey, you know what

XTIAN: what about "The Modern Humorist"

EVIL: have you ever thought of yourself as a brand?

XTIAN: they are techno geeky
XTIAN: all the time

EVIL: if you're a brand, what would your tagline be?
EVIL: i thought of my tagline over the weekend?
EVIL: it's perfect
EVIL: my tagline is "creepy but loveable"
EVIL: how great is that
EVIL: that is perfect for Vh1

XTIAN: thats a good tagline
XTIAN: almost true except for the last part

EVIL: dude, the public will love me
EVIL: you're just pre-jealous

XTIAN: i am telling you
XTIAN: we could be the modern humorist

EVIL: i know

XTIAN: but with less/more homo-erotic undertones
XTIAN: depending on the day

EVIL: hey, it's 9:12am
EVIL: i have to work
EVIL: haha
EVIL: later

XTIAN: me too

Evil

EVIL: yo
EVIL: i thought of something
EVIL: send me a pic of you
EVIL: where you are in a bar
EVIL: and there are a few other people in the shot
EVIL: i have the equiv photo of myself
EVIL: i will then photoshop celeb heads
EVIL: onto the photos
EVIL: then post on ebay
EVIL: i have an account, etc
EVIL: tell me which celebs you want to be seen with
EVIL: i call dibs on gary coleman
EVIL: it will be "third tier photoshopping" meets viral marketing
EVIL: dude, you will be seen with the President of the VH1 division
EVIL: whoever that is

Evil

XTIAN: if I type "thehose" into google we are at the bottom of the search page
XTIAN: we need more inbound links

EVIL: wow
EVIL: i didnt know that
EVIL: some more links would help

XTIAN: [J.Web] can help

EVIL: i cant to be #1 for "sausage bbq"
EVIL: cool!
EVIL: you might get a lot of accidental hits
EVIL: xtina searches -> misspelled as xtian

XTIAN: i figure if we mention "VH1" and "Best Week ever" often enough
XTIAN: someone might pick up on it
XTIAN: heh

EVIL: i need to be on tv
EVIL: even vh1
EVIL: have to work
EVIL: later

Tacitly Colluding

One of the things that's been really interesting about my (triumphant) return to New York is that I have been using my old stomping grounds of Perth Amboy, NJ as a staging area. Its really quite great, except that I don't seem to know where anything is anymore and its clear that other get very frustrated with that.

"Where's Penn Street?"

"do you remember where you used to live?"

"ummm...yeah" (lacking confidence)

"well, instead of making a right on that block make a right 5 blocks before?"

and so on. I tried to get to Menlo Park Mall one day and it took me something like 11 hours to cover 3 miles by car.

So I don't know landmarks of the town I spent the first 18 years of my life in, a town that was prominently displayed as my hometown in the Berkeley MBA 2002 Face Book. Imagine now running into people that I either hung out with once, bought weed from once, or met at church once or something equally meaningless. Would some vague hint of a half memory appear or not? Or maybe it would but if it did. Would it be shouted down by whatever freaks and misfits spend their days vying for control of my body?

This happened during my morning commute. I stood there mind my own business vacillating between reading my book and checking out some girl standing on the platform.

"if its a full train, maybe I can pull an EVIL and crowd her" I say to myself...My dastardly plotting is interrupted by me noticing that SOME DUDE is starring at me.

I look back passively, not trying to make any sudden moves. Were my stares that obvious, is this guy judging me silently or preparing to agree via a nod in an act of subtle male solidarity. If I play this right, I might convince him to help me execute the crowding technique, a move Evil and I perfected in semi-rural Illinois.

While considering this, I notice I actually know the guy...From somewhere. Have no idea where...But I do...He used to be someone I knew. The first guess is high school, because that's the easiest guess. The second guess is possibly church. But really, it could be one, the other or possibly both. The options are limitless.

The world stands still for a moment as we look at each. Some might think we are sharing a moment, but really what we're doing is negotiating. Negotiating whether one of us approaching the other is worth the risk of potential embarrassment

"Do you recognize me? If I walked up to you, would you totally dis me and act like we've never met?"

"I vaguely recall you but really, its so vague that if I acknowledge the recollection and am then tested on it i.e. you drop a "remember that time..."

I'd fail. I'd not remember the time at all or the other parties involved or how we all laughed about it. Really it'd be mortifying. Rather than deal with that, I will just pretend I have never seen you before, thereby limiting my embarrassment

"right, regardless of whether we both remember each other or not, we really can't trust each to not sell the other party down the river a raving lunatic and possible stalker."

"Maybe its best if we go back to looking at our respective book and newspaper"

"agreed"

None of this is said, but it is all communicated through a series of blank stares, raised eyebrows and finally a mild shrug.

All was right with the world, till later that day.

I met a friend for lunch and as I walked back to my office I was stopped on the street by a rather poor greeting

"Gosh! You're back"

At first, I did not realize it was me she was addressing, I've been back (triumphantly) for a while now and no longer really consider it being back but just consider it being here, right here.

"I'm sorry..."

I look at her blankly, not so much trying to negotiate...the blank stare gives it away, I am going to sell this woman down the river as someone who can't tell an 6ft tall Ecuadorian from a 5ft tall Mexican or possible a 5ft 5in tall Korean.

"You have no idea who I am?"

I look towards my friend for some back. She clearly knows her but decides its best to let awkwardness reign. Not knowing what else to do, I extend my hand

"my name is [Xtian]"

"What is wrong with you? I helped you get an an apartment. We hung at [some place I don't really remember ever being at]"

This is getting bad, her indignation is severe, yes I vaguely remember who she is but I don't know her name or where I know her from...

"You're friends with [some person I don't know]!"

Now, she's hanging herself. I don't know anyone by that name and later she goes back and renames that kid with a different surname suddenly transforming him into someone I do know. Not only does she barely remember me, she barely remembers the person who introduced us. Why is she persisting?

Finally, she mentions how she hooked me up with my former landlord Danny, except I never had a landlord named Danny, if she did hook me up with my former landlord then she's talking about Steven who is my former landlord. Clearly this woman has been on a meth binge for 3 years. She must be doing this all the time, getting names wrong and making things awkward. I take this opportunity to regain the upper hand and point out that I know our mutual friend reasonably but she only seems to know his last name half the time, and I know my former landlord's name far better than she does and after these corrections she decides its best to disengage and go about her day and I am left looking for a speeding truck to rush in front of.

How much better her life would be if she just learned some tacit collusion?

Evil

Is anyone at all watching the Olympics? The Olympics are so gay, or maybe I'm just referring to these two Greeks:

I'm rich, bitch!
The VMAs are August 29th. I think we are going to do a thing where Hose contributers are going to get into a AIM chat room and just riff in real time. At each commercial break someone will scrub AIM handles and post.

AIM me the day of if you want in...

Evil

This is what makes the Olympics great:


Athens - A South Korean judo coach has been expelled from the competition venue for slapping his competitor after she lost her match, the International Judo Federation (IJF) said on Wednesday.

The coach, Suh Jung-Bok, was seen slapping Ye Gue-Rin after she lost to Germany's Julia Matijass in the Under-48kg bantamweight quarter-finals on Saturday, IJF spokesman Michel Brousee said.

"We cannot tolerate such an attitude," he said.

The IJF has instructed the Korean Judo Federation to take action against Suh, he said.


Dude, Korean men... those guys gotta relax. Abusing of women should be left to people named Wil Cordero.

It's wierd I am not getting into the Olympics at all. So instead I surfing the dial for other options. Today I managed to catch my new favorite show - the groundbreaking HBO Original series Entourage.

>
Great show, everyone should check it out. What makes it groundbreaking though is that I believe this show is the first program to ever target mysoginists only! Not only that but I am pretty sure everyone involved in the show is a mysoginist. This is the first show ever to made entirely by, about and for mysoginists. That's right Hose Readers...synergy. Someone get my agent!

Other than that I got nothing to say, however do check this out...anyone wondering what was up with the LEAN BACK remix on the radio lately, its contributed by these guys and the rapper is Tego Calderon, I caught him on MTV this morning, he is a special kind of ugly but he might also be partially responsible for Reggaeton which makes him my friend.

Evil

I gotta hand it to Jim Gray... that guy asks the best / most asinine questions ever. I'm watching Puerto Rico trounce the US in basketball. The first half just ended and PR is dominating: 49 to 22. The US is down by 27! Jim Gray is interviewing Lamar Odom...

JG: The lack of enery, the lack of aggression... is that something the team has been practicing the past few days?

LO: No. We're an energetic team, we're an aggressive team. The best team will win.

Give Lamar credit for staying cool. Me, I would have popped that smartass Jim Gray right in his teeth.

Evil

SURVIVAL FOOTBALL!

Readers of The Hose, all VH1 execs, and all MTV execs are invited to join our Survival Football league. This league is for money! $25/head, winner takes 80% and second place takes 20%.

Sign up, you hoser!

http://football.fantasysports.yahoo.com/survival
League ID: 16263 (Name: Hoser)
Password: tool01

Evil

Sometimes I feel like this guy...

Evil

XTIAN FOR GOVERNOR!

American politics is as much about stories as it is about policies. Who remembers anything about George Washington's administration, except that he was the first President and oh, he also chopped down an apple tree but didn't lie about it. Abe Lincoln? Born in a log cabin and eventually became President. (There was also something about a Civil War, but accounts of that are sketchy.)

XTIAN has the kind of story that any political handler would give his left nut for: Chubby, big-headed kid grows up in the rough and tumble town of Perth Amboy. Overcomes ADHD in grade school and makes it into an Ivy League University. There, he overcomes narcalepsy and gets his degree. Some work in big time consulting, then gets a graduate degree in business on the West Coast.

And now... New Jersey's prodigal son has (triumphantly) returned!

XTIAN, your home state needs you. They are without a leader. The governor has deemed himself unfit for governing. The state is in chaos (or is it just usually like that in New Jersey?). New Jersey is calling and your grassroots followers want to know: are you going to report for duty?

Evil

Bill Gates is reportedly ready to unload an expensive hobby and sell Slate for $12 million, which is nearly twice its annual revenue. Founded in 1996 by editor Michael Kinsley, who has since moved on to the LA Times, the e-zine has always been a money-losing proposition. Despite an audience of 4.6 million readers a month, according to Nielsen//NetRatings, the site is only operating at break-even. Kinsley got out, Gates wants out. The question is: Who wants in?

INTERESTING! Slate is for sale and it only costs $12 million? Yes, you and I are thinking the same thing: that XTIAN and I should buy Slate and take our witty stylings to the big time! We can be "Co-Editors-In-Chief" and have bitch fights over the "creative direction" every single day. That would make a great reality TV show.

Hey, anyone want to lend us $12 million?

Evil

WHO KNEW?

I read this little snippet this morning:

While shopping magazines have undoubtedly been among the hottest categories of late, Conde Nast's Cargo was definitely considered experimental, given its target: Men who love to shop.

Five months into its launch, Cargo appears to be resonating, and then some. The magazine will increase its rate base to 350,000 effective with the February 2005 issue. That's a quick 17 percent jump in rate base since the March 2004 launch.

WHO KNEW? Lots of XTIAN-like dudes running around out there. What is the world coming to. What happened to the good old days when men were men?

Evil



Look at Jenny Finch's butt ugly teammates. How much do you think those girls hate her? What do you think goes on in that locker room when they're changing? Someone should put a web cam in there. (Oh, speaking of which, I just installed a wireless web cam in my bathroom. That thing rocks.)

Evil

I am obsessed about VH1 calling me... fame calling me. I just checked on how the advertising campaign is going thus far. To my surprise, there have been a fair amount of hits for MTV execs. But less so for VH1 execs. Dude, these people should be calling me right away. No one else wants them. If you're interested, here are the latest stats...

MTV execs



VH1 execs



Note: The "Impr" column means how many times the ad has shown and the "Clicks" column... well, that's self explanatory, you asshat.

Evil

If you love me, you'll buy this for me.

Evil

VH1, WHY NO LOVE?

Still no contact from anyone at VH1? Are they playing hard to get? Is my advertising campaign not working?

I'm not discouraged though. I saw this stat today:



Wow, look at all the self-absorbed people out there. Almost 4 out of every 10 people will search for themselves on a search engine. Sooner or later...

Notes from Boston
(or rather notes from Northern NJ, where the TV has been stuck on MSNBC for 4 days)

Boy do the democrats know how to throw a party! The only other fiscally conservative bunch i know that can get down like this just got indicted over that whole Tyco mess.

It seems to me that the fundamental strategy for this campaign is "Assume most people are as disturbed by GWB's born-again fuckwaddery as we are, drag our asses to the middle of the road, and try not too piss off too much of the core lefties." Sure that worked for Bill C. but he's a lot different than Frankenstien. No one wants to bang Frankenstien, where as everyone (men, women, children and EVIL) really wanted to hook up with Bill. I'm hating myself for saying this, but thank god Al Sharpton got to speak...


The convention over all was a bit of a drag but one interesting story that developed was the race to see who on the dems side could match the sheer over the top sexiness of the president's nephew, George Prescott Bush. As you may recall GPB made a spectacle of himself during the last RNC in 2000, jumping in front of every camera in sight, just so Uncle George could point to his mexican nephew...

The race came down to a few contenders

Barak Obama	Ben Affleck
Dennis Kucinich	Chris Heinz

You can vote here for your choice....

Evil

A one-armed, zero-legged man in introducing John Kerry. The one-armed, zero-legged man has a cheery smile. More cheery than I would have expected.

He's also fatter than I would have expected. For some reason, I always expect one-armed, zero-legged people to be skinny... gaunt. But no! Mental stereotypes have been broken tonight.

Evil

They're playing a bio-video of John Kerry. Morgan Freeman is the narrator. YAY! This is the best part of the convention thus far. Morgan Freeman rocks!

Evil



Vanessa is the younger Kerry daughter. She looks like my left foot. Alex is the older Kerry daughter. She looks like my right foot. My root foot with a nose job. Her nose looks spectacular! Good for her for getting that nose fixed!

Will these two girls stop telling dumb-ass stories about their dad. Girls, the country couldn't care less. Really. Who is the strategist in the Kerry camp? That person sure as heck isn't George Stephanuphalous.

Is it too late to pick a new Democratic nominee? I really wouldn't be able to stand having this family in the public eye for the next 4 years.

Evil

Andre Heinz is speaking now. He's quite awkward. What a weird looking dude. He just introducted John Kerry's two daughters.

Can I ask you a question? How ugly is John Kerry? I'm not just refering to the fact that he looks like he died in 1998. I mean, he's unconditionally an ugly dude. I just realized how ugly he is... whoa! His two daughters look like my feet. Damn. Them are strong "ugly genes" he's got.

Evil

CNN is showing Larry King interviewing Bob Dole. Bob Dole looks scary! The man is 80 years old, yet... he doesn't have a single wrinkle on his face. His skin is completely smooth. Pulled tight. CMON! There is something amiss here.

I think Bob Dole is dead. His face looks really waxy. It reminds me of Uday and Qusay Hussein after they got shot up and the morticians re-built their faces in wax. Bob Dole is creeping me out. The Republicans just lost my vote. I am going independent.

Evil

Madeleine Albright is on. Who gave her a speaking role? Why don't I have a speaking role? This night of the convention is going straight into the shitters. Holy cow. Kerry sucks monkey balls, and I'm saying that based solely on how boring this convention is.

If I were running this show, Jamie Spears would be the keynote speaker. Holy cow, have you seen her lately? She looks exactly like her older sister, except that I'm pretty sure she hasn't been sullied by Colin Ferrell.



I would also have Mary Kate and Ashley speak. They look like little toads, but cmon. When you think of entrepreneurship, who do you think of? Yes, Mary Kate and Ashley. We should all try to be more like them.

Evil

PBS is showing all the second-tier speakers, but CNN is not. Instead, they have some real-time analysis by Wolf Blitzer and Judy Woodruff. I think Judy Woodruff is a little sexy for a 60 year old. I wonder what getting BJ from a 60 year old reporter would be like.

Evil

They gave Joe Lieberman more time than Wes Clark? Why is Joe still on the stage? Someone give him the gong, please! Someone take the hook and pull him off the stage by the neck. Who's running this show?

How did Joe ever get anywhere in politics anyhow? I swear, I'm going to run for the Sentate in CT.

Evil

Switched to PBS (Ch. 13). They are still showing Joe. Bad move. That guy just lured the entire crowd to sleep. The entire convention hall is dead silent. Except for some snoring.

Evil

Whoa! Joe Leiberman is on. DANGEROUS BACK-TO-BACK COMBINATION. Who planned the schedule tonite? This blows!

Joe is giving props to Barack Obama. People are cheering. That was cheap. Pandering to the crowd by riding someone else's coattails. Ooops, CNN just cut away from his speech!!! Hahaha. Looks like the director got bored too. DUDE! They cut away to Wolf Blitzer, who promptly threw it to a commercial. This is great.

Evil

REAL-TIME BLOGGING!

Wes Clark is on. They gave him the 8:15pm timeslot? That's 5:15pm on the west coast. Dude, they gave him 6 minutes. No respect. Poor Wes Clark.

I'm listening to this guy talk and I can't imagine how he could have been an inspiring general. Has anyone ever been inspired by Wes Clark? I might go take a nap now.

Evil

TWO GUYS, DESPERATE FOR FAME

In lieu of having a publicist who is actually aware that she's our publicist, I am appointing myself to the post of Interim Director of Online Marketing for The Hose. And I've already executed my first marketing campaign! See how good I am?

Here's the deal: XTIAN and EVIL are two dudes who are desperate for fame. Specifically, we NEED to get on VH1. On-camera work. Fame! Failing that, we might settle for an on-camera role on MTV.

As such, we need to get our good work (this blog!) in front of some VH1 and MTV executives. As of right now, The Hose has a marketing campaign running on Google. Search for any VH1 or MTV executive, and there should be an ad targeted toward that exec, promoting The Hose. For example, Mimi James is VH1's SVP of Talent and Creative Development. Search for her on Google and look for our ad!

(If you don't see our ad and it's late in the day, it could be that we've exhausted our ad budget for the day. But try again the next day!)

Just for kicks, here is the list of VH1 and MTV executives whose name should work on this campaign:

VH1
Christina Norman President
Doug Rohrer EVP and General Sales Manager
Michael Hirschorn EVP News and Production
Nigel Cox-Hagan SVP and Creative Director
Laura Nelson SVP Communications
Cliff Lachman SVP Production and Development
Ben Zurier SVP Programming Strategy
Mark McIntire SVP Sponsorship Development and Integrated Marketing
Richard Gay SVP Strategy and Business Operations
Mimi James SVP Talent and Creative Development
Melissa Cobb VP Motion Pictures and Television

MTV
Judy McGrath Chairman and CEO
John Cucci CFO
Herb Scannell President, MTV Networks Group
Van Toffler President, MTV: Music Television, MTV2, and MTV Films
Harvey Ganot President, MTV Networks Advertising Sales Worldwide
Bill Roedy President, MTV Networks International
Brian Graden President, Entertainment, MTV and VH1
Brent Hansen President and CEO, MTV Europe
Frank Brown President, MTV Asia Pacific
Larry Divney President, Comedy Central
Cyma Zarghami President, Nickelodeon
Albie Hecht President, Spike TV
Christina Norman President, VH1
Brian Phillips SVP and General Manager, CMT
Li Yifei Managing Director, MTV Networks China
Karen Flischel Managing Director, Nickelodeon International
Alex Ferrari COO, MTV Networks International
Carole Robinson EVP Communications
JoAnne Griffith EVP Human Resources
David Sussman EVP Law and Business Affairs and General Counsel
Doug Rohrer EVP and General Sales Manager, MTV and VH
Susan Danaher EVP and General Sales Manager, Nickelodeon/Nick at Nite and TV Land
Tina Exarhos EVP Marketing, MTV and MTV2
Tom Calderone EVP Music and Talent Programming, MTV and MTV2
David M. Gale EVP, MTV Films
Dave Sirulnick EVP MTV News and Documentaries
Lois Curren EVP MTV Series Entertainment
Michael Hirschorn EVP Production and Programming, VH1
Betsy Frank EVP Research and Planning
John Shea EVP Sponsorship Development and Integrated Marketing, MTV Networks
Jeannie Kedas SVP Communications, MTV
Linda Alexander SVP Communications, MTV Latin America
Laura Nelson SVP Communications, VH1
Nigel Cox-Hagen SVP and Creative Director, VH1
Jason Hirschhorn SVP Digital Music and Media, Music and Comedy Group
Michael Day SVP Finance
Michele Megan Dix SVP Music and Talent Programming, MTV and MTV2
Kevin Mackall SVP On
Cliff Lachman SVP Production and Development, VH1
Charlie Singer SVP Programming and Production, MTV Latin America
Ben Zurier SVP Programming Strategy, VH1
Janet Hill SVP West Coast Communications
Melissa Cobb VP Motion Pictures and Television, VH1
Jeff Goldberg VP Program Planning, Spike TV
Tatiana Rodriguez VP Programming and Acquisitions, MTV Latin America and Nickelodeon
Ian Rowe VP Public Affairs and Strategic Partnerships
Alicin Reidy VP Public Responsibility
Tim Rosta VP Trade Marketing, MTV and MTV2
Kim Rozenfeld VP West Coast Programming and Development, VH1
Joe Simon CIO
Graham James Director of Communications
Graham M. Wallace CFO, MTV Europe

Evil and I were Available
Here is a former classmate of ours (apparently) doing an appearance at a Target openning.


I would have thought she'd be too big a star for something like this, but Evil and I as F list celebrities would be more than willing to appear at a Target Opening. Guys like Sleave and Manolo are so hard up for appearances they're showing up at Grey's Papaya at 3am greeting hobos as they get egg sandwiches...they'd do this sort of thing in a second...

We need a publicist.....fast!

Evil

Whoa! What is about to happen in this photo?! Are Middle East relations THAT good now?

Evil

MMMMM

Let's go to the driving range!

Evil

TREND SETTER

People, "The Internet" is the next big thing. Take it from me!

Where are our credentials?

Neither I nor Evil were contacted regarding this. I think our publicist is sleeping on the job.

Evil

The cool thing about having site stats and raw logs is that you start to realize how many people wander upon The Hose purely by accident. Well, OK, only 1 person. But hey, considering that this site has 7 readers total, 1 accidental visitor is not bad!

Someone dropped by looking for "scarlett johanson". Hey you retard, learn to spell!

Evil

Isn't it pretty gay to start a fight while having your catcher's mask, catcher's mitt, and catcher's pad still on? I mean, cmon. Show a little toughness already.

Evil

GUESS WHO'S THE CLOWN (both of them)

This is sort of a lay-up. But you need to guess who's who to make it count.

GWTC1: she will be out tonight
GWTC1: you coming?

GWTC2: no
GWTC2: cant
GWTC2: go spread the word tonite
GWTC2: get viral

GWTC1: [jweb] thinks we're insane

GWTC2: you could literally "get viral" by bio-engineering a virus
GWTC2: and calling it The Hose virus
GWTC2: that's taking viral marketing to a whole new level
GWTC2: why does he think that

GWTC1: a virus that sets all urls to go to "thehose.blogspot.com"

GWTC2: no, i mean a real virus
GWTC2: if you catch it, it gives you diarreah
GWTC2: for like 4 days and then everything is OK again

Evil

I think I've become a fan of Sleeve's competitive blog. I checked in this morning, and to my delight, there was a new post and also a kick ass custom logo to go with the post. Imagine that! A custom logo just for a post!



Look at that creativity... merging the Parks logo with the MLB logo. Look at that attention to detail. That's not a regular bat, it's a whiffle bat!

Good work, Sleeve. You competitive butthole you.

Evil

Sometimes I feel like this guy:

Evil



Props to the NY Post for putting the white man in his place! (Granted, this is the German white man, and not the white man in general, but hey, it's a start.) I look forward to the Post printing "Honky" in 192 point font on the cover...

I Need Eyes in the Back of my Head.
Someone has a competing blog. I don't know if I am more upset about its existence or the fact that it was hidden from me. Maybe what I'm really upset about is that Sleeve put all this effort here instead of working on getting us a workable logo for The Hose.

Evil

Feeling unpopular and unloved, I went and ordered this...



Now that I'm an adult, as Xtian would say, I get to spend money on frivolous things. I don't even have mp3's! I am just going to carry it around so people will think I'm cool. It's the new iPod, baby!

Debauchery
 
I am sorely dissapointed that there was an Astoria reunion this weekend involving some members of this Blog and nobody has posted any stories about people getting drunk or getting into a fight...Or how somebody proposed marriage and got turned down? What ever happened to the good old times of taking your shirt off and dancing on top of the bar.  Or is it the old adage, what happens in Astoria stays in Astoria...
 
Anyways, I am going to be in NYC from July 23-26 and I expect some wild crazy times. I think July 24th will be a total loss but we can make something happen the other days. Does anyone want to volunteer themselves or do I nominate Xtian and Evil to arrange the venue, the hours, and the strippers?
 
Let me know...

Evil
 
GETTING OLDER BUT NOT GROWING UP
 
Early Sunday, someone called me, sounding distressed. "Yo," he says. "Yo, whatup," I say. "Yo, help me figure something out," he says. "Yah, whatup," I say.
 
He wants me to walk him through how I manage to pay my rent each month. Specifically, now that he's graduated business school and has a job working for The Man, he himself wants to know how he's going to make his own rent payments.
 
How absurd is this question? Someone who is going to pull in well over six figures per year should not have dillemas about maintaining food, shelter, and clothing at livable levels. I think someone needs to grow up. I think someone needs to stop prefacing his sentences with "Now that I'm an adult..." and actually starting being an adult.
 
Shout out to Someone Who Does Not Know What She Wants (SWDNKWSW)!
 
Evil, OUT.

Evil
 
IT'S ALRIGHT MA, I'M ONLY BLEEDING
 
The building public announce system just came on again. It was the building Fire Safety Director again. It was him telling everyone to disregard the fire alarms. Again. You know what they say. Where there's smoke there's fire. Hah. Stupid pun. But seriously, if they keep getting on the PA system and telling everyone to ignore the fire alarms, I am just not going to come in to work anymore. I don't want to die and then have my family go to my apartment to collect my stuff and then discover all the internet porn I have in my cache.

Creating a healthy sense of self loathing is good for everyone and better when you are the traumatizer rather than the traumatizee 
 
When I was little, I was equally cute and crazy. As such I was capable of inspiring a wide range of emotions. When combined with mother’s apparent tourette’s syndrome it would lead to some interesting results. 
 
Periodically, mother would spy me playing with GI Joes and stop and stare. After some time I would look up and she’d quickly turn away. It was quick but in my mind’s eye I always imagined she was looking at me with mild disappointment. Grief stricken, I’d look down…and then it’d come…in a high shrieking voice with chin up and some sick mix of pride:
 
“MONKEY!”   

Yes her declarations were sporadic. But the impact of her cruelty hung over my head everyday in exactly the same way the smell of fried plantains clung to my jeans.
 
Thankfully, along with the loud smelly mess came the Bumpasaurus and I was allowed a reprieve. No longer was I the victim of the vicious monkey chant, but in turn it was now left for Bump, and really he deserved the title more. As a toddler he sucked his toes happily and seemed to have arms longer than his legs. Of course even this minor happiness would be taken from me. My maternal uncles and aunts, young enough to never take themselves or anyone else too serious took to calling us both “monkey boy” and even developed something of a theme song, “mon KEEEY BOOOOY! Mon KEEY BOOY”
 
After some time, we both got over it. Whenever someone yelled “Monkey Boy”, one or both of us would look up and reply as though someone had not said something really offensive. Just once, either bump or I should have had the courage to say something like “You wouldn’t call us that if we were black!”…that would have fixed it…maybe…probably not…
 
Like avictims of sexual abuse or a kidnapping victim we soon sided with our oppressors. Rather than break the cycle, we immediately began looking for our own victims to dehumanize. Our younger cousins all fell victim at one time or another. It didn't always stick,  besides “monkey girl” is far meaner than it ever was funny. That is until came the most ultimate monkey boy, or as the Bumparsaurus refers to him Monkey Boy 1 or MB1 for short.
 
Dude, MB1 is on a different level. His arms are so gangly that when he walks he comes off like an elephant trying to put a condom on with his nose. He might be the messiah of monkey boys. I suppose that would then make the Bumpasaurs his John the Baptist, announcing his arrival. On a good day, I might get to be Abraham but more than likely I'm probably just Jonah sitting inside a fat whale begging for repentence.

Worst Sports Moves Ever

Lost in the hoopla of Shaq and Kobe’s divorce is the fact that the NJ Nets traded Kenyon Martin for 3 lottery protected draft picks.  Now I recognize that real story here is Shaq/Kobe revealing that the true source of their issues over the last couple of years is their on again off again love affair but I just can’t seem to care. What I am interested in is the deranged, stuttering maniac from my home state. The self professed “Bad Ass Yellow Boy” is the heart and soul of the NJ Nets and now he’s gone and the Nets are going to be horrible and it sucks. Yes he has a temper problem, and that stuttering jag is unnerving, and he has no jump shot and his knees suck. But he’s the fifth or sixth most intimidating guy in the NBA. Guys like Antoine Walker and Jermaine O’neal shit their pants when they see K-Mart coming.
 
This Bruce Ratner guy is a complete clown. Not only is he a fundamentally evil corporate stooge but he needs to make everything about that. Who buys a sports team and tries to run it like a business. He should meet the guy who owns the Texas Rangers, Tom Hicks, that guy made his money in LBOs and he runs his freaking team like it’s a monopoly game. Sports teams are big boy toys you dumb f*ck! Why don’t you focus on what you do best, displacing the working class of the five boroughs with his luxury high rises and other offensive crap. Jeez I hate this guy.
 
Having said all that, I think the NY Jets absolutely deserve a Manhattan stadium and their owner, Woody Johnson is a spectacular human being.
 
The most unnerving thing about the Lakers trade is the only guy they got back was Lamar Odom and the Goods, though a great player is a mess. That guy, in his eyes, it says that he’s one terse comment away from doing coke lines off a fifty year old tranny prostitute’s belly.

Too Punk Rock for This
 

I might be too punk rock for this. I’m not sure yet and I’m somewhat scared that I will figure it out too late to be able to do anything about it, that somehow I will come to the conclusion just before I am on the verge of a major success. Right there as papers are about to get signed and plans are about to be made for what to do with all the money I could make, I will realize that I don’t give two shits about the Escalade and I’ll do what everyone who’s ever been self defeating has ever done…you know…defeat myself. Pee on someone, maybe share a racial epithet or two…whatever gets the job done.
 
It’s really odd. On paper I got all the tools to make for someone who can do well in corporate America. It’s like I’m Mike Mamula or Tony Mandarich to large corporations - a big tool with lots of upside. Instead of having a vertical, or impressive bench strength (actually I have that) or great wing span (wait, that’s a check too…I’m practically proportioned like a monkey) Instead of these things I have the “combine” credibility corporate America values, I have good height, solid (borderline great) academic credentials, a full head of hair that promises to continue stay black well into my fifties before settling in a mellow salt/pepper blend, all topped off with a scary blend of wit and charm. At the end of the day I got all the things that matter except I guess for membership in the illuminati.
 
But like I pointed out earlier I just might be too punk rock for all of it. You’d figure somewhere over the course of business school someone would have stopped me and pointed this out to me. Shit, how did I get into B School in the first place?  There are a couple of tell-tale signs:
(1)   The way I wear my hair – Inspired by Ewan MaGregor’s Catcher Block in Down with Love, I recently started coifing my hair with a part and a half comb back. Except my part is not a straight line drawn with a comb its sort of zig-zaggy much like a road allowed given over to overgrowth? The end result is that instead of inspiring a early sixties hipster I end up mocking the convention with small rebellion.
(2)   I don’t button my cuffs. Buttoning cuffs are for the un-inspired. People who button their cuffs are basically just giving in to the Mullahs of corporate convention. What, will I get flogged if I don’t cuff my buttons, so what if I wear a French cuffs shirt but disregard the cuff links? What then, what will your fashionista gestapo do then? Nothing that’s what? Nothing
(3)   My Chipped tooth – There’s nothing more ghetto than a guy missing an eight of his front tooth. I’m keeping it street yo!
 
I didn’t even get into the fact that my wristwatch looks like I took it off a dead midget gimp with a crystal meth addiction that I saw/touched/smelled  in a dark alley…and maybe it is best if we don’t revisit that topic again. Even the punk in me don’t need no jail time.

Evil

I want to be David Blaine. I watched his old magic special, "David Blaine: Street Magic," on The Learning Channel yesterday. It reminded me that I want to be David Blaine. I want to be famous. I want people to be captivated by me. I want to levitate and have girls on the street freaked out by my magical powers. I want to make random people's clothes disappear. (And I'm not talking about you, Mr. Shoulders. Calm down.)

I thought to myself, What's with this obsession for fame? For attention? What is going on here?

I will tell you what... and I told my shrink the same thing... the happiest times of my life were when I was a kid and had a cold and my mom would take care of me and make me feel better. Unfortunately, I was a relatively healthy kid, so I really didn't get that kind of attention so often. Why couldn't I have had juvenile diabetes? Or lukemia? Damn, some kids have all the luck. This is why I turned out so messed up.

Evil
 
It has come to my attention that I am now within striking distance of having posted the most words on this blog! Here is the current count...
 
Me: 24,327
Xtian: 24,650
 
And that's not counting THIS post!
 
Because my life is essentially empty, I need to engage in absurd competitions to keep me going. As such, I am devoting myself to overtaking Xtain. Whatever it takes!
 
Tomorrow, I am playing golf with Kentaro. I will probably post a hole-by-hole recap of my round. "Hole 14, third stroke... there was a slight wind behind my left shoulder... 147 yards to the pin and I was feeling confident with my 7 iron..."
 
You will be bored to tears, but see if I care!

Evil

I am not kidding, this might be my last post due to death. The fire alarm came on in my office building. But then the fire marshall got on the speaker system and said "Do not be alarmed. We have a smoke condition on the second floor, but it's under control. Do not be alarmed."

That was two minutes ago. I am waiting for him to get on the speaker again and say, "Do not be alarmed. We have a smoke condition on the 9th floor, but it's under control." Dude, I am on the 21st floor. If the smoke condition get above double digits, I am jumping out the window and taking my chances.

PS - If I die, someone please manage my estate. My baseball cards should be sold on eBay, except for my Don Mattingly 1984 Topps rookie card, which should be buried with me. That's the extent of my estate. Not too much work, so please don't screw this up!

Evil

THE HOSE BBQ

I'm taking a short break from the intense planning session to tell you all, our loyal readers, about the upcoming The Hose BBQ. I'm telling you, XTIAN and I have been up day and night putting this together. It's not going to be like any BBQ you've ever been to before.

Our first order of business is figuring out how we can get Sleeve the hell out of town so we can use his rooftop deck. After kicking around various ideas, we concluded that luring the kid out of town is just way too much effort, not to mention, way too unpredictable. This BBQ need to go off without a hitch. So the going plan is to tie that sucker up, gag him, and stick him in his own closet for the duration of the BBQ.

Now, with that out of the way, let me highlight for you what it means to throw a BBQ, The Hose style...

Hooker Pinata - Because our readership consists mostly of angry males, we'll have a hooker and a whiffle bat. In no way are we condoning violence against women, but you put two and two together. I personally will be too busy working the grill to care what the hell you do.

Sausages aplenty - In addition to being angry, our readership generally is withholding a lot of homoerotic angst. Therefore, when you find me at the grill, you can be sure that I'll be roasting nothing but sausages and weiners. This is all for your enjoyment. You should thank me.

Roofies on the Roof - One of the funniest things I ever heard was how one of the authors on this blog (who shall remain nameless, for obvious reasons!) went and drugged himself with roofies. Imagine that, trying to date rape yourself. But anyway, while said author is tied and gagged in his closet, we will raid his roofies stash and dump it into one of the punch bowls. We will try to label the bowl correctly although I can't guarantee anything because XTIAN is in charge of that and I can't even count on him to use readable english in his emails.

Live webcast - For those of you who can't make it to the BBQ or are too afraid for your physical safety to show up at such an event, there will be a live webcast. However, please note that the webcam is be place down my pants. Again, this is for your enjoyment.

Lastly, I'm happy to announce that The Hose BBQ will be a family event. That means Future Wives are invited, including my own. (The Future Mrs. Evil -- where have you been? I haven't seen you since your birthday party!!!) Additionally, the new puppies of Future Wives are also invited. Younger brothers are also invited, in fact, strongly encouraged to attend, so that when we make fun of you, others have something to point to and laugh.

Please RSVP to thehose@gmail.com.

Evil

I'M LOOKING BUT IT SEEMS SO HARD TO FIND

People, I need to become famous. Not just any type of famous. I need to be in entertainment. Hollywood. I've been looking for my launching pad to fame. I checked on craigslist and didn't find it listed. I checked on eBay, but it wasn't for sale. I Googled for it, but no results. For every day that passes and I'm not famous, the world is missing out on my uplifting humor. Not to mention that my penis is missing out on some uplifting T&A.

Will someone give me a show on TV already? I mean, how many cracks at TV shows is Ahmet Zappa gonna get? John McEnroe? He has a show now. C'MON! You have GOT to be KIDDING ME! ARE YOU SERIOUS? That guy hasn't been relevant since my pre-pubescent days. Back then, my sister didn't have boobs and now she has a kid. The world is changing and I think the world is ready for Evil.

What would Evil do in entertainment, you ask? Well, I am multi-talented. Next to me, Wayne Brady looks like a singing and dancing clown who sold out his identity to entertain the white people of America. Oh wait...

First of all, I could have a late night talk show. Sort of like Conan O'Brien (self-conscious, awkward humor) meets Beavis & Butthead (un-self-conscious, awkward humor). I could also have a nationally syndicated cartoon strip. Has anyone seen the cartoon section lately? There are about 35 different strips, but you'd only recognize three of them. Now that I think of it, I can't even remember which three those are. Go pick up a paper and check it out. You'd be dumbfounded by the crap that's in cartoon these days. My cartoon will be about our hero, Evil, and his gay sidekick Xtian. See? It's both ironic and un-ironic at the same time. Genius. I should also have a recurring column in Details magazine. Sort of like Davis Sedaris, except that I don't suck cock.

Hollywood execs, I am your next big find! Drop me a note (thehose@gmail.com) and let's make something happen.

Evil

THE BEEF WITH KOBE

I don't know what to make of Kobe Bryant. As expected, the news came down this morning that the Lakers had traded Shaq and even though all parties deny it, everyone knows it's because Kobe wanted Shaq out. Ok fine. There was also the firing of Phil Jackson. Most people generally accept that Kobe was pulling the strings here. Me me me. That's what everyone's saying about Kobe. Oh, and after all this, Kobe might actually bolt and go play for the Clippers. He even wanted the Clippers to play some games at the Pond in Anaheim, closer to his house. Everyone's saying that Kobe is selfish.

And oh, one last thing... this guy is still on trial for rape. At the end of the day, he might end up in the slammer.

But here's what I don't get. How did all this happen? Two years ago, Kobe was squeaky clean. Remember? Huge success story of a kid coming out of high school and making it in the league. People liked to mention how he was raised in Italy and speaks fluent Italian. And when he got married -- especially because he was young -- people said that Kobe was a good family man and not interested in chasing ass at various NBA cities around the country.

I've concluded that PR is a fickle bitch.

Fundits

Since returning (triumphantly) to NY, people have been recognizing me on the street and approaching me. After asking for an autograph, exposing their genitals and occasionally urinating on me, they start asking me questions. The most prevalent question has been something like this

“Yogi Xtian, how would you describe the Hose?”

I never have a solid answer. I mean who can describe a blog maintained by 3-9 random people all failing to push their respective agendas both online and in their personal lives? Its very difficult you should try it some time.

Well, the other day it hit me. I was reading a NY Times article about VH1’s new programming for the month I Love the 90s. Mo Rocca (a genius and someone I myself once tried to pee on in central park) termed himself a “fundit”, a fun pundit! Brilliant! That’s us exactly. We, the contributors of The Hose are, are Fundits! We are not Michael Ian Black from The State but rather Michael Ian Black from Best Week Ever, fitting snuggly on the comedy spectrum between Sharrod Small and Miss Info.

(Miss Info btw, recently revealed on Hot 97 that Janet Jackson has two kids and they’re like teenages! What!? Who? When? I need proof! Who has some?)

Anyway, we’re fundits and that jives very closely with the goal Evil and I recently hatched. Our goal for Q3 is to kick it up a notch on The Hose and take ourselves to the next level. What does that mean here? It means a couple of things
(1) Consistently higher quality humor - Everyone has to take it up a notch, people like Manolo have to progress past the macho man, latin lover routine and take to the next darker level, like a sexual predator in clown make up or a gay shampoo specialist whatever works for you Manny, follow your instincts.
(2) Media Relations – Starting this week, all death threats, media inquires, hate mail and dirty picture should be sent thehose@gmail.com Hopefully we can create a deeper level of interaction with you, our reading audience of 7. VH1, if you need me, Evil, Sleave, Buckethead or (lord knows why) the Bumpasaurus to appear on Best Fortnight Ever or I love 2003 please don’t hesitate to hit us on the email.
(3) Greater reliance on you our customers. If all seven of you evangelized The Hose just enough to get us one more reader we would then have...you guessed it...14 readers, that in this hyper segmented market of entertainment options would put us in front of a fresh new episode of Summerland or North Shore in terms of eye balls. Some people have been very successful in using pressure techniques. KenTak 3 has apparently forced his girlfriend, Dr. Susan Calvin to read The Hose under threats of leading a robot uprising. I'm not saying everyone should go to this extreme, I am just sharing what has proven successful.

Evil and I are planning to have a Hose BBQ, and everyone's invited. We're just waiting for a weekend when Sleave is out of town so we can use his roof deck in peace.

Ok, I’m going to go figure out what the deal is with Janet Jackson and her 16 year old daughter.

Long-Time Poster, First-Time Reader


I was listening to NPR this morning while I was driving to work and they were talking about the 15th International AIDS Conference. I know this is a serious topic but for some reason I couldn't stop giggling like a little Puerto Rican schoolgirl abducted by her 6th grade teacher...

Perhaps it was because they kept mentioning BangKok and THAIland in the same sentence...Who knows?

Perhaps I am bad person but I think I will have exhibited the same childish if somebody kept talking about Lake Titicaca....hahahaha! You just said Titi and Caca!!! hahahaha!

Manolo's Communist Propaganda

I have gotten (or rather the Editor has gotten) some messages which have voiced grave concern regarding my posts and the direction to which I seem to be taking the Hose.

I will like to express my sincerest apologies as my intention is not to offend anyone. I am just a very forthright individual and feel very comfortable discussing all sorts of topics in its nitty gritty...

Nevertheless, I have decided to tone it down a bit...for everyone's benefit...

So last night I had this young woman over and after "watching a movie" we did the old cuddling in the arms bit...Anyways, all of a sudden she blew raspberry noises in my tummy...what am I? A three month old baby...

Therefore, I felt compelled to execute a pre-emptive strike and kicked her out my place...If she felt comfortable blowing raspberry noises, what would prevent her at a later date from biting my ass or for that matter, sticking a finger up my...?

Woooohhhhhh

Shaving of the balls?

I consider myself a considerate lover...I am always aware of my surroundings and I try to pick up as many signals and cues as possible. I also try to be as discreet as possible. For example, when I am giving oral pleasure to a girl and a "p" hair somehow makes it way to my mouth, I casually get rid of it. You will never know I was choking to death...In the other hand, when a chick gets a "p" hair in their mouth, they make a big production of it. Sometimes it sounds like a cat trying to get rid of a hairball...And its not like I am Chewbacca or something...

Anyways, I am currently contemplating shaving my balls...is that something the kids are doing in this day and age or is that too metrosexual? Is that outright gay? Not that there is anything wrong with that...

P.S.- Anybody excited about the new Andy Dick show "The Assistant." That show is going to kick "The Apprentice" out of the water...

i need an apartment, studio or one bedroom. some one help me out


thanks
xtian

Stick it to 'em HOWARD!

Don't call it a comeback!

Bourgeois Tendencies

Recently I caught myself judging people I love. I was having dinner with some family, and someone was explaining how she conned some flight attendant into giving her a bottle of champagne. Her shtick included pointing out how both my cousins had recently graduated and how they were all traveling to SF in order to celebrate. As it were it was something to celebrate, but the point of her story is that she, as a high power sales executive with more frequent flyer miles than anyone EVER deserved that sort of treatment. She then lightly disparaged Southwest Airlines for treating everyone the same regardless of how important they are to sustaining the fragile airline industry. I, a product of Berkeley and Columbia but still a child of the working class, was offended. You see, I am down with the proletariat in spirit if not in recent experience and I think everyone (even the depressingly poor) should be treated well on flights. I mean besides, who the hell do flight attendants think they are? How much are they pulling down a year?

From my perch on a nice couch in the bar of a high priced hotel on Nob Hill I smugly judged the bourgeois tendencies of people who have only ever showed me love. I felt bad about it for a moment but then was reassured by my own smugness. Of course, later, I realized what everyone always assumes about me…I am completely full of shit.

I was flying to the ATL, Hot-lanta (Holla if ya hear me!) to resume my career after 18 months of waking up at 10am in B School. It was Sunday and I had to get in by Monday morning, my flight was at 5pm I would get in by 8pm and it would all be great. For a moment let me digress and point out that Newark Airport is the most ghetto airport ever. I need to stop going there and start flying out of LaGuardia; it’s really the only airport I can tolerate. By the time I got to the gate it became apparent that there was some trouble, the flight had already been delayed till 6 and every other delta flight heading anywhere (all of them seem to go to Atlanta) was similarly delayed. In the distance, a Russian man berated the desk representative and asking her if he was her slave. The attendant, repping hardcore for jersey trash, told him to shut up and sit down. Not knowing what else to do, I curled up in a ball on the floor and fell asleep.

I was awoken and taken and on board the plane by 7pm. Everyone was confident that we would get to Hot-lanta (holla if ya hear me!) by 10pm. I was surprised to notice that I was seated in seat 1C. That’s right! First class! My neck was hurting from sleeping on the floor so I welcomed this surprise despite the reservations of my inner xtian. When the flight attendant offered me a drink I gladly welcomed a rum and diet coke. Maybe it wasn’t so bad up here. Who doesn’t need this once in a while? People were asked to take their respective seats, the engine started, the plane moved towards the runway, and then the pilot got on the intercom and sadly stated that airport in Atlanta was shut down for at least an hour. The flight attendant sadly pointed out that there was no movie for flights of less than 3 hours. I pulled Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim out of my bag and continued reading. I gladly took a second and later a third rum and diet coke. Sitting in the first row I was able to put my legs up with my feet flat to wall in front of me and celebrated the leg room in the first row. I don’t know about heaven, but I can’t remember a happier moment in my life. While we waited the flight attendant proved to be very flirtatious and attentive, by my fifth drink I was gearing up to ask her to join me in the bathroom…

Into the second hour on the runway, waiting to take off, I was handed a very nice cobb salad. In first class, apparently you still get to eat meals. Who knew? Hungry as a mother fucker I gobbled it down in 5 minutes. Momentarily, I looked back and pitied the poor slobs in coach. How can people live like that? I began chatting up the attendant and pointed that within the last month I had (1) graduated with an MBA (2) had a birthday and (3) was beginning a new job. As a token of congratulations she handed me a small bottle of champagne. I thanked her profusely.

We finally got off the ground and touched down in Atlanta around midnight. As we were landing the flight attendant asked everyone whose final destination was Atlanta to stay in their seats to give the people connecting to somewhere else a fight chance to make their flights. I assumed these instructions were primarily for everyone in the main cabin not for the Brahmans in first class. I calmly collected my things and promptly stepped to the exit door. I was the first person out the door and made sure to step briskly to avoid the manic onrush of plebeians behind me.

What type of drunk are you?

So I go to Happy Hour on Friday evening with my entourage and even though I like to live in the moment, I am also kind of planning a few steps ahead...so 5 minutes after I get there, I check all the girls in the group and I strike a conversation with this young lady who is a friend of a friend of a friend...Anyways, she offers to buy me a martini but I had to turn it down...I told her I only really drink beer because I can't handle hard liquor. I tell her that if I drink hard liquor, I get drunk faster and when I am drunk, I get horny...For curiousity's sake, I asked her what does she usually do when she gets horny...she refused to answer...Taking her silence as a sign, and being the nice person I am, I volunteered my services...I told her that if its a long night and midnight rolls around and she is horny, and she wants to resolve her horniness issues, then I will gladly oblige...I explained to her it was one of those pacts old friends do (like, the one Xtian and Evil did that if they are not married by the age of 40, they will marry each other).

Anyways, she gets all huffy and puffy and walks away towards her friends (and I am assuming) to tell them what a dork I am...I later find out that she is a 26 year old virgin and nobody had ever talked to her that way...it turns out she was in a convent in Alaska for the past 8 years. Nice!

The moral of the story is that nuns shouldn't be out in public and least of all at a bar @ happy hour...

While we are at it, what is the deal with all those young single mothers? You meet them and then later find out that they have 2-3 rugrats back at home being babysat by their grumpy grandmother...there should be a law that young single mothers can't go out, at least not until their children are of legal age and there is a possibility that their 19 year old daughter is going to join the action.

Maybe I am hanging out with the wrong crowd....

You saw the note Bush sent to the new Iraqi Prime Minister..."Let Freedom Reign"...I didn't know Bush could spell "let" or "freedom" or "reign"...

Evil

BACK!

The bubble is back, baby! I saw in the news that some company went and bought SBI.Razorfish for $160 million in cash and notes. Consider that when SBI bought Razorfish back in late 2002, the price was only $8.2 million. 20x bump in valuation... not bad. Also recall that SBI.Razorfish additionally includes the assets of Scient (HAHAHA!) and iXL.