The Hose

Tacitly Colluding

One of the things that's been really interesting about my (triumphant) return to New York is that I have been using my old stomping grounds of Perth Amboy, NJ as a staging area. Its really quite great, except that I don't seem to know where anything is anymore and its clear that other get very frustrated with that.

"Where's Penn Street?"

"do you remember where you used to live?"

"ummm...yeah" (lacking confidence)

"well, instead of making a right on that block make a right 5 blocks before?"

and so on. I tried to get to Menlo Park Mall one day and it took me something like 11 hours to cover 3 miles by car.

So I don't know landmarks of the town I spent the first 18 years of my life in, a town that was prominently displayed as my hometown in the Berkeley MBA 2002 Face Book. Imagine now running into people that I either hung out with once, bought weed from once, or met at church once or something equally meaningless. Would some vague hint of a half memory appear or not? Or maybe it would but if it did. Would it be shouted down by whatever freaks and misfits spend their days vying for control of my body?

This happened during my morning commute. I stood there mind my own business vacillating between reading my book and checking out some girl standing on the platform.

"if its a full train, maybe I can pull an EVIL and crowd her" I say to myself...My dastardly plotting is interrupted by me noticing that SOME DUDE is starring at me.

I look back passively, not trying to make any sudden moves. Were my stares that obvious, is this guy judging me silently or preparing to agree via a nod in an act of subtle male solidarity. If I play this right, I might convince him to help me execute the crowding technique, a move Evil and I perfected in semi-rural Illinois.

While considering this, I notice I actually know the guy...From somewhere. Have no idea where...But I do...He used to be someone I knew. The first guess is high school, because that's the easiest guess. The second guess is possibly church. But really, it could be one, the other or possibly both. The options are limitless.

The world stands still for a moment as we look at each. Some might think we are sharing a moment, but really what we're doing is negotiating. Negotiating whether one of us approaching the other is worth the risk of potential embarrassment

"Do you recognize me? If I walked up to you, would you totally dis me and act like we've never met?"

"I vaguely recall you but really, its so vague that if I acknowledge the recollection and am then tested on it i.e. you drop a "remember that time..."

I'd fail. I'd not remember the time at all or the other parties involved or how we all laughed about it. Really it'd be mortifying. Rather than deal with that, I will just pretend I have never seen you before, thereby limiting my embarrassment

"right, regardless of whether we both remember each other or not, we really can't trust each to not sell the other party down the river a raving lunatic and possible stalker."

"Maybe its best if we go back to looking at our respective book and newspaper"

"agreed"

None of this is said, but it is all communicated through a series of blank stares, raised eyebrows and finally a mild shrug.

All was right with the world, till later that day.

I met a friend for lunch and as I walked back to my office I was stopped on the street by a rather poor greeting

"Gosh! You're back"

At first, I did not realize it was me she was addressing, I've been back (triumphantly) for a while now and no longer really consider it being back but just consider it being here, right here.

"I'm sorry..."

I look at her blankly, not so much trying to negotiate...the blank stare gives it away, I am going to sell this woman down the river as someone who can't tell an 6ft tall Ecuadorian from a 5ft tall Mexican or possible a 5ft 5in tall Korean.

"You have no idea who I am?"

I look towards my friend for some back. She clearly knows her but decides its best to let awkwardness reign. Not knowing what else to do, I extend my hand

"my name is [Xtian]"

"What is wrong with you? I helped you get an an apartment. We hung at [some place I don't really remember ever being at]"

This is getting bad, her indignation is severe, yes I vaguely remember who she is but I don't know her name or where I know her from...

"You're friends with [some person I don't know]!"

Now, she's hanging herself. I don't know anyone by that name and later she goes back and renames that kid with a different surname suddenly transforming him into someone I do know. Not only does she barely remember me, she barely remembers the person who introduced us. Why is she persisting?

Finally, she mentions how she hooked me up with my former landlord Danny, except I never had a landlord named Danny, if she did hook me up with my former landlord then she's talking about Steven who is my former landlord. Clearly this woman has been on a meth binge for 3 years. She must be doing this all the time, getting names wrong and making things awkward. I take this opportunity to regain the upper hand and point out that I know our mutual friend reasonably but she only seems to know his last name half the time, and I know my former landlord's name far better than she does and after these corrections she decides its best to disengage and go about her day and I am left looking for a speeding truck to rush in front of.

How much better her life would be if she just learned some tacit collusion?