The Hose

Evil

I'M LOOKING BUT IT SEEMS SO HARD TO FIND

People, I need to become famous. Not just any type of famous. I need to be in entertainment. Hollywood. I've been looking for my launching pad to fame. I checked on craigslist and didn't find it listed. I checked on eBay, but it wasn't for sale. I Googled for it, but no results. For every day that passes and I'm not famous, the world is missing out on my uplifting humor. Not to mention that my penis is missing out on some uplifting T&A.

Will someone give me a show on TV already? I mean, how many cracks at TV shows is Ahmet Zappa gonna get? John McEnroe? He has a show now. C'MON! You have GOT to be KIDDING ME! ARE YOU SERIOUS? That guy hasn't been relevant since my pre-pubescent days. Back then, my sister didn't have boobs and now she has a kid. The world is changing and I think the world is ready for Evil.

What would Evil do in entertainment, you ask? Well, I am multi-talented. Next to me, Wayne Brady looks like a singing and dancing clown who sold out his identity to entertain the white people of America. Oh wait...

First of all, I could have a late night talk show. Sort of like Conan O'Brien (self-conscious, awkward humor) meets Beavis & Butthead (un-self-conscious, awkward humor). I could also have a nationally syndicated cartoon strip. Has anyone seen the cartoon section lately? There are about 35 different strips, but you'd only recognize three of them. Now that I think of it, I can't even remember which three those are. Go pick up a paper and check it out. You'd be dumbfounded by the crap that's in cartoon these days. My cartoon will be about our hero, Evil, and his gay sidekick Xtian. See? It's both ironic and un-ironic at the same time. Genius. I should also have a recurring column in Details magazine. Sort of like Davis Sedaris, except that I don't suck cock.

Hollywood execs, I am your next big find! Drop me a note (thehose@gmail.com) and let's make something happen.