The Hose

Fundits

Since returning (triumphantly) to NY, people have been recognizing me on the street and approaching me. After asking for an autograph, exposing their genitals and occasionally urinating on me, they start asking me questions. The most prevalent question has been something like this

“Yogi Xtian, how would you describe the Hose?”

I never have a solid answer. I mean who can describe a blog maintained by 3-9 random people all failing to push their respective agendas both online and in their personal lives? Its very difficult you should try it some time.

Well, the other day it hit me. I was reading a NY Times article about VH1’s new programming for the month I Love the 90s. Mo Rocca (a genius and someone I myself once tried to pee on in central park) termed himself a “fundit”, a fun pundit! Brilliant! That’s us exactly. We, the contributors of The Hose are, are Fundits! We are not Michael Ian Black from The State but rather Michael Ian Black from Best Week Ever, fitting snuggly on the comedy spectrum between Sharrod Small and Miss Info.

(Miss Info btw, recently revealed on Hot 97 that Janet Jackson has two kids and they’re like teenages! What!? Who? When? I need proof! Who has some?)

Anyway, we’re fundits and that jives very closely with the goal Evil and I recently hatched. Our goal for Q3 is to kick it up a notch on The Hose and take ourselves to the next level. What does that mean here? It means a couple of things
(1) Consistently higher quality humor - Everyone has to take it up a notch, people like Manolo have to progress past the macho man, latin lover routine and take to the next darker level, like a sexual predator in clown make up or a gay shampoo specialist whatever works for you Manny, follow your instincts.
(2) Media Relations – Starting this week, all death threats, media inquires, hate mail and dirty picture should be sent thehose@gmail.com Hopefully we can create a deeper level of interaction with you, our reading audience of 7. VH1, if you need me, Evil, Sleave, Buckethead or (lord knows why) the Bumpasaurus to appear on Best Fortnight Ever or I love 2003 please don’t hesitate to hit us on the email.
(3) Greater reliance on you our customers. If all seven of you evangelized The Hose just enough to get us one more reader we would then have...you guessed it...14 readers, that in this hyper segmented market of entertainment options would put us in front of a fresh new episode of Summerland or North Shore in terms of eye balls. Some people have been very successful in using pressure techniques. KenTak 3 has apparently forced his girlfriend, Dr. Susan Calvin to read The Hose under threats of leading a robot uprising. I'm not saying everyone should go to this extreme, I am just sharing what has proven successful.

Evil and I are planning to have a Hose BBQ, and everyone's invited. We're just waiting for a weekend when Sleave is out of town so we can use his roof deck in peace.

Ok, I’m going to go figure out what the deal is with Janet Jackson and her 16 year old daughter.