Scenes from a Bad Date

Her: I like to read
Me: Do you?! Me too...what's the last book you read?
Her: A book on Fixed Income
Me: Oh...great....what about before that
her: A book on Structured finance. it was very helpful
Me: I see what about for fun?
Her: I don't have much fun.
Me: Right now I understand you exactly...

I miss you, PBT!

i miss my Peanut Butter Tramp (PBT)...there I said it. I may even say it again because its true.

She earned the name because on more than one occasion I woke up went to the living room and discovered her asleep, in some manner of undress with peanut butter on her in a non trivial way. When challenged she would admit a fascination wiht peanut butter. I was always saddened that I was never there to see her in action. hmmm

I'll miss her for the time she showed up at 3 in the morning and the dude that followed her in sat down and watched an episode of scrubs with me

I'll miss her for the time some crazy drunk chick tried to follow her home and that was worth a laugh for like a week

I'll miss her for the hottie friends that would randomly be hanging out when I showed up.

that's a lot of missing...i'll miss you PBT! Come BACK!

Unemployed - Day 4

Well, I don't really have anything interesting to say today, so I'm going to post a few Pictures of the Day, circa last weekend at the beach.

Unemployed - Day 3

Today I am in hiding.

Why, you ask? Well, yesterday I posted a bunch of furniture for sale on Craig's list and now my phone will not stop ringing. For someone who doesn't really like to yap yap yap on the phone all that much, this is bothersome. And Craig's list is strange - people call right away and ask is the item is still available?, can I pick it up tomorrow afternoon?, I need to borrow a car from my brother on Saturday, etc.

But time passes... people don't show up, or call again, and never come to get the item. This has been independently confirmed by the neighbors downstairs - the same thing happened to them. It's a mystery.

It's only 8:46 and I have already gotten 4 calls for today, plus about 20 from yesterday. KenTak3 has advised that I should respond to the calls in the order that they were received, so I organized a spreadsheet with name, phone number, time of call or email, item, and yay/nay of interest. This is stretching the capabilities of my home computer.

If anyone plans on calling me shortly, I would advise against it otherwise I will confuse you with prospective buyers, and you might end up mixed in the spreadsheet. Please just come over yourself with a pick-up truck and end this madness.

Manolo Wants To Play

Where do I sign up? This video reminds me of my T.A.T.U. phase. Don't know what they are singing about but love the video...

Unemployed - Day 2

Today I am waiting for a UPS package. Anyone who lives in a non-doorman building and shops excessively off of the internet should know about this. Getting packages delivered to your apartment via UPS is a pain unless someone is home to sign for them.

If you are not home, they leave a stupid yellow post-it on your door, and you helplessly wait for another one to show up again tomorrow. Eventually, you have to trek into the depths of Bushwick, Brooklyn on some shady road with warehouses and dead people lying around, where the UPS headquarters is to pick it up. Any you can’t send someone else - it has to be YOU. In Manhattan, I think the UPS building is off of Houston street by the Holland Tunnel.

Anyway, I am waiting patiently but plan to furtively sneak out of the apartment at opportune times to get sunlight and run other errands.

Unemployed - Day 1

I'm now officially in-between jobs, which means that I get to spend the next 2 weeks in complete freedom, embracing recklessness, and without responsibility to anyone. I thought I would check in from time to time with some daily accomplishments.

Today I have done some laundry and am now having a grapefruit vodka cocktail. The vodka was purchased in Duty Free at the Cancun airport two weeks ago. It was only $12.99 USD, but it's great!! I might go for a run later, although it's 100 degrees outside and there is a really good article in TimeOut magazine outlining the fact that running in poor weather conditions and smog actually has negative effects on your body. What a pain! Going through all that trouble for reverse exercise! By the way, if you've clicked on the link above you'll notice there is an advert for Restaurant Week coming up shortly. If people tell me their preferences, I'll make some reservations. But it's NOT in honor of X-Tian's birthday because he gets all fussy boots about that!

Bruno has been sleeping all day, and has recently moved from the couch to a pile of warm laundry on the floor. What a life he has!

I hope these next two weeks do not fly by too quickly.

Alone and Abandoned

A long running theme of this blog is how KenTak 3 thinks and acts like he doesn't need me anymore, like he's better than me because he's all happy and domestic with his woman and his tiny dog (the main advantage of his tiny dog being that it from a proportional perspective he looks way bigger than he is, hands and otherwise)

Anyway, I'd like to point out that recently KenTak had been altering his behaviour. I must have seen him socially 6-7 times this past spring/early summer...but that is all changed. Who exactly does he think he is? He's been going out of town without me a lot lately and I'm not liking it...

KenTak...where is the love

Followup to Good Karma...

Evil

(Follow-up to "Good Karma. Oh Crap, Now What?")

the convenient thing about meeting someone while waiting to buy an iphone is that you have a built-in excuse to call each other. talking to her on the phone feels different from talking to her in person. not worse, just different. her voice didnt sound quite the same or maybe it's that i had already created a character of her in my mind and that character's voice was slightly different... more bright and bubbly than that of the real person.

we're both upper west siders but she didnt feel like staying in the neighborhood. "i'll swing by your apartment at 8 and we'll cab it down to meatpacking for a drink and then take it from there."

at 7:45, i get a text message that says she's running late. more like 8:20, not 8, sorry.

at 8:20, i get another text message. more like 8:45. really sorry.

at 8:45, she calls me and says she's downstairs. i head down. she's sitting on the bench in the building lobby. her hair is still damp. she must have just showered. she's rail thin. she looks great in a black summer dress with a little flower pattern. i immediately feel under-dressed because i'm wearing a janis joplin t-shirt and jeans.

Response to "Stale Crackers"

Evil
(In response to "Stale Crackers")

if i were the typical immature, insensitive male friend, i would response to xtian's post with something along the lines of: "whoa, what's up with that post, xtian? is it that time of the month? are you depressed because you feel like your fallopian tubes are shriveling up?"

but i am indeed not that type of person, so here's what i really have to say in response to xtian's "stale crackers" post...

dude, it was only two years ago that you almost witnessed orgy's death by weed. that means two short years from now, your life might be totally different. you know... marry a white girl (because you are self-hating), making major bank even though you dont need to because your new wife will have a crapload of family money. and who knows, you might even have a "little big head" in the oven. as in a bun in the oven, not that you would put a kid in a real oven.

put yourself together, xtian. at least you're not mister shoulders!

btw- anyone who's interested, meet xtian and me at this rooftop happy hour on july 17th. watch me demonstrate my techniques in being a horrible wing man.

Stale Crackers

Two weeks ago the crack pack had a big reunion. I am reasonably sure this is the first time we have had a quarum since the last time someone stole a large potted plant from the steps at columbia university. Everyone was there except for Miguel, who apparently hates everyone. But that's fine because we all still love Miguel

We were there for Taylor's wedding. I am happy for him because I think he might have married the prettiest girl ever. I mean like seriously. I was floored. Apparently I went to University with her and she claims she remembers me but I was apparently too busy messing with weed and hitting on indian chicks.

We managed to regress and act like the lovable chumps we were at University. There were a series of bets about and around the wedding which I might have won. Questions ranged from "how many brides maids will there be?" to "is taylor's little sister actually not now that she's 19 instead of 12?". At the end of the night in a drunken stupor we did actually debate what a SHOCKER was, with shouting, and hand gestures and rhymes and ending with us being asked to excuse ourselves from a bar.

But things are different. Things are wierd now. Sparkes for example has a baby. What the hell? I'm too young to be a cool uncle. In lieu of naming me godfather the heathen has named me Uncle in charge of Pop Culture and Cool Music. I feel that affords me a certain cache but like most things I am not going all the way on this front. If I did, i would be doing A&R at a record label. I could have a lot of tattooes and one cool leather jacket...

Others are getting married, others are married. Dr. Orgy, bless his heart is married with a mortgage and a private practice. When did that happen? Wasn't it just two short years ago that Orgy and I went thru this!

Wow...i feel like something dramatic needs to happen but I'm not sure what.

Later, I came home and the Last Kiss starring Zach Braff and Summer Roberts was in my mailbox from netflix. I watched it and wondered if I was a chubbier version of the slacker/bartender/waster...

Can You Make My Eyes Slantier?

Evil

i think i need a little pick-me-up. going to get some plastic surgery from this place:

http://www.asiansurgery.com/

" Dr. Edmund K. Kwan, a New York-based Korean American plastic surgeon is targeting Asian American patients who want to preserve their ethnic heritage while seeking plastic surgery."

Manolo Wishes Himself A Happy Anniversary!!!

Here at the Hose we do not just celebrate America's b-day. We celebrate Manolo's addition to the greatest country on earth...

You see, it was 18 years ago today that Manolo came to this country...July 4, 1989. I remember it like it was yesterday...I was 12 years old with a baseball glove in one hand and a piece of tried and true American apple pie on the other (I had flown first class and I had not eaten my dessert).

I won't admit that I was stupid enough to believe that the Macy's fireworks going on that night were for me but it did feel nice. I guess the only drawback was my stay at Ellis Island while my TB cleared up...

Anyway, I am not familiar with immigration law but I think being 18 makes me legal. I think that means no one can call INS on me anymore. I believe that the rules state that America has to make me an honorary citizen. As long as I don't get drafted, we are cool...

Happy Anniversary Manolo!!! You are the best!!! America Loves You!!!

Write your own caption!

Happy Birthday, America!

Evil

happy birthday to the greatest country on earth (current foreign policy notwithstanding). america, you dont look a day over 225. even though we know you're really 231. you're letting yourself go a bit in the midsection (shape up, you fatties in chicago!), but we still love you. luckily, you're in such good health for your age, because you have no healthcare. but whatever, botox and boob lifts arent covered by insurance.

and to our loyal following on the hose, some words of advice as you celebrate america's birthday (because i care about you and want you to have a fun but safe holiday)...

xtian: no really means no.

the bumpasaurus: you shouldnt try to clench that roman candle in your butt cheeks, no matter how good you are at it.

manolo: there's a difference between a bottle rocket and a pocket rocket. try not to mix them up (like last year).

kentak3: yes, you can take today off from work, even though you're japanese (and a robot).

mamacita: see you at the BBQ... dont pretend like you dont know me! makes me sad. :(

evil twin #1: if you're going down to the esplanade, might as well pick some pockets.

evil twin #2 (TFME): will you post some more on your blog already?!

bruno: stay away from the bbq grill at all costs!!!

Flight of the Conchords: ''Most Beautiful Girl in the Room''

YOU COULD BE A PAAART TIME MODEL!

Oldie But Goodie

Evil

Golfer Cristie Kerr won the U.S. Women's open today, defeating Lorena Ochoa. Every time I read about Cristie Kerr in the news, I always think of this classic photo:



This might be the 3rd or 4th time I'm posting this pic on The Hose. But I SERIOUSLY cannot get enough of this photo. It makes me laugh every single time!!!

Wishful Thinking

Evil



i just ordered 4 new running shirts from road runner sports. grand total came to $135.97. i dont even run anymore!!! why do i insist on lying to myself? why? someone help me.

Good Karma. Oh Crap, Now What?

Evil

got hold of an iphone yesterday. it wasnt even that hard. took me about an hour and a half. did it at 9:30pm at the flagship apple store. been playing with it for a little bit. it's a great device. love it. although i think i'm more excited about meeting this cool girl who was on line with me. turns out that she went to columbia too, but was a year ahead of me. she conveniently lives on the upper west side. she's cool and fairly snarky. we stood on line and mostly made fun of other people, especially the losers who were walking out of there with the 4Gb model. i mean, cmon! spend the extra hundred buck and go with the 8Gb. gonna meet her tonight for dinner.

What Is Happening In This Photo?

Evil
What is happening in this photo? Should I be scared? Should society in general be scared?

#16 on the right looks like he's licking his chops. Ready for something tasty? What, exactly? Are these men about to perform an act of violence on an unsuspecting young woman? Oh, that was the Mets of the early 90's, not this team.

What is #7, in the front, doing? Is he showing his teammates how wide he can spread his butt cheeks?

What about the camera man in the back? I think I recognize him from the Bang Bus series of videos. That man does some fine work.

Can we put the Mets in jail already?

What Does This Say About Us?

Evil

Here are the top 25 keyword searches that led visitors to The Hose:

1. thehose blogspot
2. thehose.blogspot.com
3. the hose xtian
4. zeytunas
5. ryan gosling
6. american idol
7. gael garcia bernal
8. ian rowe
9. "meg ryan's feet"
10. tim rosta
11. "mimi james"
12. "woody johnson" "jets" "married"
13. michelle kwan's ass
14. jenny finch
15. "bert is dominican"
16. "jordan from g string divas"
17. ryan gossling
18. blake lewis
19. http://thehose.blogspot.com
20. "16 year old boobs"
21. enema pictures giving and receiving
22. ryan gossling mickey mouse club
23. rina randomtica
24. thehose
25. "michelle kwan's ass"

Source: Data from Jan 1, 2007 thru June 26, 2007, via Google Analytics

Goodbye, Chris Benoit

Evil

The Rabid Wolverine... he did too young. I just got off the phone with Xtian... he's all broken up. Xtian really loved Chris Benoit. Not in a gay way.

Manolo Is In Shape

A circle is a shape, isn’t it?

Even though I have packed on the pounds over the years, I have never really suffered any self-esteem issues. All my life I have been comfortable with myself and who I am as a person. I am very happy with my station in life. I have been fortunate enough to have a great family, great friends, great job and loyal readers. Things always seem to work my way and in the immortal words of Yakov, I am one of “the few truly shiny people.” He refers to me as one of those bastards that have everything go their way and the sun is always shining on them and everything falls on their lap and so on…

I was happy with the current setup until this weekend. You see, I was having adult relations (with a young lady, evil) this weekend and after 2 ½ hours of thrusting and lifting and trying to contort myself to the ongoing proceedings, I just ran out of breath and couldn't go on…I was sweating like Paris Hilton in jail (do not care about Paris Hilton one bit but maybe this small reference about Paris Hilton will move us up in the Google rankings).

This lack in stamina has me concerned…Maybe this stamina situation it’s just a question of age or maybe its my out of shape behind, or it may be both but like any one worth his salt, I am not ready to throw in the towel. I need to reclaim my title as the “energizer bunny”

I have decided that today is a new day. I am going to change. Today I am going to start a new life regime. I will be exercising both my mind and body in order to become a better-rounded individual (no pun intended). I am going to start taking small baby steps. I will soon be canceling my Tivo subscription and reading more books. I will start doing some cardiovascular work. Hopefully I will soon come back to fighting shape and that 2 ½ hour hiccup will be a thing of the past…

As I stated before, I will be taking the first steps. I need someone to take me the rest of the way. I will be taking applications for life coaches in case anyone is interested in the job...

Mii

Evil

Aren't I handsome? That's my Mii, bowling.

Sometimes I Feel Like This Guy

Evil

Also, Chinese and Mexicans don't mix?

Ask Yakov (The Series)

Dear Yakov,

How did you get the name Yakov?

Happy Birthday, Big Head!

Evil

it's xtian's birfday. wish him a happy one, even if you dont like him (which makes all of us).

YouTube on apple tv

Evil



they finally finished the youtube integration in apple tv. now i can watch the fat kid on roller coaster on my 50 inch plasma instead of on the computer screen. i may never need to leave the couch again.

Manolo's Public Service Announcement #4

Threesomes are awesome!!!

Manolo Has A Threesome!

I had a threesome this weekend!!!

And no Evil, it wasn't like the time Big Shoulders, Xtian and you got together.

It was two real life women and myself...and even though it wasn't my first threesome, I still felt like I needed to share the news...

What's My Type?

Evil

i took an online myers briggs type indicator test. i came out as ISTJ.

Random Memories

Evil

i have a younger brother. growing up, he and i were partners in crime. we used to mix the chemicals in household cleaners and other items to see which would fizzle, sizzle, change colors, eat through cardboard. we'd then apply heat, sometimes cooking the concoction on the stovetop, but most often, we just throw lit matches into the brew. once, we burned a plate-sized patch of the rug. my dad fumed over it. but he never bought a new rug, so for years, we just covered up the burned area.

for about eight years, we lived on the 2nd floor of a two-family house. our living room faced Northern Boulevard, which was a five-lane street, two going in each direction and one turning lane. our house (well, we rented it, so it wasn't technically ours) was on the corner. when cars came to a stop at the traffic light, they were right below our living room window. i dont remember exactly how we developed this idea, but it was pure genius: we made shaving cream grenades out of Kleenex and shaving cream. Squirt a child-fist-sized lump of shaving cream into a sheet of Kleenex and pinch the ends together. we'd make a bunch of these and set them below the window. we'd watch the cars on Northern Boulevard stop at the red light. and just as the light turned green and the cars started their acceleration, we'd lob a shaving cream grenade onto the street. when we'd hit a car (which was often!), it would already be moving forward, so there was nothing the driver could do... except keep driving. we were geniuses who never got due credit. those were great times. my dad never caught on that we used his shaving cream to make these grenades, thanks to the fact that he had (and still has) this penchant for buying things in bulk. so we'd basically exhaust and entire can of shaving cream at a time and he never noticed when one or two can disappeared.

one summer, my brother and i perfected how to make rubberband guns out rubber bands and chopsticks. this must have been why i ended up going to an engineering college. mid way through the summer, we had a robust gun design that included a working trigger mechanism. this rubber band guns were powered by rubber bands (and held together by rubber bands too), but it didnt shoot rubber bands. no! it shot paper "V"s. you did NOT want to get hit with one of these V's because they hurt like a motherfucker. if you're like my sister and welt up easily, then you'd see little red V imprints on your skin.

i'm glad we came up with the rubber band guns because they were so much sophisticated than what we used the previous summer, which was slingshots fashioned from metal clothes hangers. for bullets, we used chick peas. those things are hard as rock. you can buy a pound of that stuff for 79 cents. in retrospect, i'm glad we never shot anyone's eye out because that was certainly a possibility. but we didnt realize it back then. there was one time when we were on a bus and landed a perfect bulls-eye on this mexican guy's bare belly. he had been sitting on his front stoop, shirtless, trying to beat the heat.

What an Indignity!

Evil


Following this news cast, he drove himself down to the police station, locked himself in a cell, and stuck his member into his own butt.

Manolo Surfs The Web

Today was a crappy day and I had no desire whatsoever to do any work...

Therefore, I spent all day online watching videos such as this one or this one with Will Ferrell.

I also spent a few hours playing the Redistricting game...

Manolo Barely Survives The Night

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Celebrity Dating Advice

Evil
How to pick up a girl in a bar... celebrity dating advice from James Carville:

"Go ugly, early."

As quoted from Meet The Press, this past weekend.

Happy Birthday!

Evil

Today, The Hose is 4 years old!!! (Well, 4 years and 22 days.) Happy Birthday, The Hose! Congrats to you and all your Hosers.

Scenes from a Party Part 1

She was fuming as I stared at her. I could not look away. I stood there. I watched her stand up adjust her panties and pull up her skirt
"F*ck you" she said "I am suffering from performance anxiety...I can't pee...our argument has ruined the mood"

All I could think was "Thank f*cking god"

As we depart the restroom we run into the chap she came with. I pat him on the back and keep walking "let's grab a drink"...I don't want to beat him silly. I'm sad that it may come to that.

I walk over to my friend sangay who was like "whats wrong with you?"

"[she] just dragged me into the bathroom and tried to make me watch her pee...that was wierd..."

Two days later, Sangay leave a message on my cell phone that summed up the surrealness of the situation

"did you tell me at that party that [she] dragged you into a bathroom to watch her pee...or did I dream that up?"

I Confess... this concert was strange

A few weeks ago a chum of mine made me aware of the fact that The English Beat would be performing live in Hoboken. I was shocked for a few reasons:
The venue in question (Maxwells) was quite small and the English Beat are like a really big deal.
Who knew the English Beat were still touring, much less in hoboken...I mean they broke up into like two separate bands...totally random

Then I recanted this idea because in truth the Beat were never than big but it was an anticident of two very important late 80s bands...General Public and the Fine Young Cannibals. But the in the mid 80s when I was too young to be hip the music of the beat really resonated with me, the fun horns, the vaguely punk guitar riffs, a vaguely raggaeish baseline...the faux dandy act of the lead singer...it was really freaking fun...

Lots of important questions came to mind:
What do you get when you show up to a concert in Hoboken for a not quite popular mid 80s, new ware, british ska/punk band that never had a US hit?
Answer: 200-300 people, of preposterously inconsistent ages and demographics...a handfull or rastas, reformed english hooligans transplated to NY, a couple of young kid hipsters, late 30s bankers how just spent two hours talking their sister in law into watchig their kids...ME...It was quite a site...
What does a band full of people who could be categorized as wierd in the 80s look like 20 years later?
Unsurprisingly, nothing at all like you would expect...but for a completely different reason than the one you would expect: The Beat was an 8 piece band featuring the original lead singer and several guys in their early 30s. He had replaced every...David Wakeling had coopted the band's name and image..dude...what about Ranking Roger? Where is RR?
What do people do at an English Beat Concert?

Surpisingly enough the fellow next to me took his shirt off and threw it at the crowd...that was weird, most other people skanked till their knees hurt (if they were over 40)...many people sat on these weird bleachers...everyone sang along...to everything...but most excitedly to "I Confess" which Wakeling can no longer quite hit the high notes on...that's ok dude, you're like 50...

Kurt Cobain

Evil

Sunday night. Drinking alone. Watching a documentary on Kurt Cobain. I miss Kurt Cobain. He was only 27. He died 12 years ago. Is that possible?

For A Fleeting Moment, I Felt Like A Kid Again

Evil

I went to the corner grocery store to buy three serrano chilis. The Korean lady rang up my purchase: 22 cents. I took a quarter out of my pocket and put it into her open palm. She gave me three pennies in change.

Apple TV Product Review

Evil

My apple tv came in the mail yesterday. I immediately hooked it up and have been using it ever since... IT'S AWESOME. I love it. I haven't actually used any of the "TV" features in apple tv yet, just the music features, which is really why I bought it.

My Setup

apple tv basicallys let me (automatically) sync my entire itunes library over to the apple tv hard drive. the apple tv is in turn connected to my flatscreen tv (Panasonic TH-50PX60U), which is then connected to the home theater speaker system (Panasonic SC-HT940). The apple tv supports HDMI output, but I'm already using the 2 HDMI ports on my Panasonic TV, so I had to use the component video and component audio outputs on the apple tv, which I guess is OK. The Panasonic TV connects to the home theater system via HDMI. The cool thing about HDMI is that it allows 2-way digital communication between devices, so for example, when I'm playing music on the apple TV, my Panasonic TV knows to automatically shut off its own speakers and play everything through the home theater system speakers, which are of course, much better.

This sure beats my old setup for playing music, which consisted of an Apple Airport Express connected to the home theater speaker system via a 3.5mm analog mini-Audio jack. (Booo!) In this setup, I'd play music in iTunes and stream it over the air (AirTunes) on the wireless network and into my speaker system. That's still pretty cool though, right? But one of the downsides is that it's inefficient to stream music through the wireless network every time you play a song, because it slows down my wireless network for other stuff that I might be doing at the same time. Also, when there was a lot of network traffic, the music sometimes got choppy, even with the maximum buffer length allowed by iTunes.

apple TV - The Good

Well, definitely the looks, but that's obvious. And at $300, the cost is reasonable. The video output to the TV is amazing. Really takes advantage of the 1080i capabilities of the TV. As opposed to what I used to do, which was connect my MacBook Pro to the TV via DVI. For some reason, I was never able to get good resolution doing it that way. Plus, who wants a stupid DVI wire running from the laptop to the TV anyway? That's sooo uncool (like Manolo).

apple TV - Improvements I'd Like to See

First, they need to get the announced YouTube integration done ASAP!!! C'mon, get on it, people! Watching a blubbery fat kid blubber away in a roller coaster will be even funnier on a 50 inch plasma screen.

In general, the software on apple TV is pretty bare bones. I know this is the first release, but it's still a little disappointing that they didn't build in more features. For example, I'd definitely like to see more screen savers. Right now, you get to choose between having an apple logo bop around your screen or having a collage of your iPhoto photos, which can also be sync'd over from your computer. They should implement the Visualizer effect in iTunes -- no brainer!

Overall Rating

Overall, I'd give apple tv 4 stars (out of 5). Once they get YouTube videos integrated, it'll be totally kick ass at 4.5 stars. And with some additional software features to make things more customizable, apply tv could easily be the first 5-star product rated by The Hose since the bread slicer.

Random Thoughts on a Wednesday Evening

Evil

1. On the road again. Away from home. Sigh. Ordered room service. The guy bringing food shows up to my room. After a moment, he says, "Oh, just 1 person?" He takes the 2nd set of silverware off the tray and adds, "I didn't know whether this food was for 1 or 2." Man, am I eating too much?

2. The Latin Mass is coming back! WOOO! Thanks, Pope!

3. I'm on a longer losing streak than the New York Yankees. How do I snap out of this?

4. I just ordered an Apple TV. I don't even know why I did it. I don't know what to do with it when it arrives. I guess I just wanted to order it.

5. If I were an animal, what animal would I be?

I Never Feel Like This Guy

Evil



Why is Rudy Guiliani so happy?

Why is Rudy Guiliani so crazy?

Why is Rudy Guiliani in so much pain?

What the hell is going on in that picture? I can't believe this guy is the mayor of my city.

Sometimes I Feel Like This Guy

Evil


This is a one eyed kitten. He was born with a single oversized eye, no eyelid, and no nose. Sadly, he only lived one day.

(I am sure that at some point, Manolo will author an extensive post on the reproductive cycle of one eyed cats.)

Outdated Movie Review: Pan's Labyrinth

Evil


According to Netflix, Pan's Labyrinth is a "fairy tale for adults." I was expecting something like Edward Scissorhands or even Beetle Juice. But noooo. Pan's Labrynth is a different type of movie altogether. First of all, it's not even in English. WTF? The entire movie is narrated in German. Or Mexican. Or something. Who the hell knows? Isn't English the official language of the great United States of America?

Back to the Netflix description, which adds: "10-year-old Ofelia (Ivana Baquero) stumbles on a decaying labyrinth..." Whoa! 10 years old? C'mon. This role was completely mis-casted. The girl had little boobies and child-bearing hips. It was quite uncomfortable, actually. When I watch a movie, I want no doubts as to whether I should be pants-on or pants-off. This movie was squarely in between. It sucked!

There's not much good stuff I can say about this movie. The characters are completely one dimensional, with no development that takes place over the course of the narration. The flat characters are epitomized by the Facist officer, Capeetan (Sergi Lopez). Why is that guy such a dick throughout the entire movie? I mean, cmon. Take a chill pill, dude.

Even if you're totally bored and have nothing better to do with your life and must absolutely get this movie on Netflix just to get your money's worth from your $21.95 membership (you cheap bastard), at the very least, avoid the DVD director's commentary at all cost! Holy crap! This director is the most self-absorbed douche bag this side of Dennis Miller. His commentary is unbearable. He comments on his movie as if he were the combination of George Lucas, Woody Allen, Jesus Christ, Albert Einstein, and Walt Disney. Two words aptly describe his commentary: mental masturbation. Someone hand me two Kleenex.

Overall, this movie gets 1 star (out of 5,000).

Memorial Day Plans

Evil

This is what happens when you don't have any friends. You end up with no plans for the long Memorial Day weekend. If anyone wants to reach me, you can find me in my apartment. I'll be busy moping, drinking myself into a hole, watching DVDs non-stop, surfing the internet for bomb-making tips, IMing with people I don't know that well, trying in vain (yet again) to write that most awesomest craigslist post that finally makes it onto the "best of" craigslist section, watching the Yankees lose, avoiding phone calls from my mom, contemplating why no girl wants to date me, eating pizza (large, please!), micro-managing my fantasy baseball team, going to the gym but not really working out that hard, sitting in starbucks and looking sad, trying to fix my broken vacuum cleaner, berating myself of my shortcomings ala Mr. Shoulders, failing to get out of bed before 11:30am, and generally wondering. Wondering about what? I don't really know.

Manolo Decides To Eliminate Someone?

My very dear old friend Yakov came into town this past weekend to celebrate his birthday (hopefully I will have some time to write some stories…) and to spend some quality time with dear old me. I do not mind that the least but that meant I had to put on hold my rather busy romantic life…That meant that this week was time to catch up...

Last night I invited this lady friend of mine who I had not seen like in two weeks came over for a romantic rendezvous. She is actually an older lady (in her mid 40s). I see her every now and then and it is just a pure sexual relationship. In fact, the only words spoken the whole night was through the gate intercom “I am here…can you open the door for me?”

This morning she sends me a text message which reads:

“U are amazing! I love being with u. I love u! Good thing that im very realistic about our relationship. Lovers forever. Besides, I know too much info. Kisses!”

This has me rather worried…what info is she talking about? Do you think she has a competing blog where she does a blow-by-blow (no pun intended) of the night festivities? Does that mean I can’t cut her off? What if I eventually meet someone I want to settle down with? Is she going to blackmail me? Am I still going to be forced to have sex with her on the side? Do I tell her that since she is old, our thing can only go until her fifties? What if I decide to run for President of the Parent Teacher Association or something? This is something my political operatives need to be aware of…I wonder if they have gotten their hands on any polonium 210…

American Idol Finale - RIGGED!

Evil

Holy crap. Watching the American Idol finale. They rigged this show!!! What a rip off. They totaly stacked the deck in Jordin's favor. Blake Lewis got a raw deal. They're gonna start calling him Blake "Hurricane" Lewis.

So get this, both Blake and Jordin had to sing the same song. The producers chose the song. It was the winning song in the song writing contest. That song totally played into Jordin's wheelhouse and did not work AT ALL for Blake. Why didn't they pick a song with all beat boxing and make Jordin sing it? Crap. The injustice makes me feel dirty.

Xtian's Romantic Date

evil

Check out what Xtian did this past weekend. He really hit it off with a lovely young lady. Their date was quite the rush.

Manolo Gets Shocking News

I have been trying to get into this young lady's underpants for the past few years. She is a friend of a friend and no longer lives in Miami. She would come into town every few months or so to see her old high school/college friends so I saw her sporadically and always in group settings. Every now and then, we would manage to sneak out for some mouth to mouth Mambo but never more than that…since she lived out of town and I hate the phone, our post lip wrestling relationship would quickly fizzle out.

About a month ago, she finally got instant messenger. This technology was of course quickly misused by both parties to engage in rather adult conversations…I found out why we never went past the old third base. Another thing I found out was her love of erotic material and her rather large collection. With this newly found knowledge and a new level of intimacy, she planned a trip where she got to Miami one day early to hang out with yours truly.

After picking her up at the airport and doing the whole dinner thing, we ended up at my apartment where things quickly progressed. I am not going to give you a play by play but I will tell you that everything was going rather fine and dandy. That is until she started caressing my buttocks and tried to do the male version of the shocker…I know some of you are into that (i.e. - Evil, Xtian) but that definitely killed the evening for me…

Anyway, the lesson of the day is that persistence pays off!!!

There is a bonus lesson though which is way more important...if a girl tells you she is into porn and in fact has a full fledged collection, make sure you find out what kind of porn she is into before you sign up for the voyage…

50 ways to leave your lover?

Nor'easter Update

Evil

Half of the upper west side is now washed away by the Nor'easter. The downpour is also drenching my spirits.

A Crack Pack Wedding

At a wedding this past weekend, I watched as the groom hazed in the following manner.

One of my friends yelled "Gas Pedal" at the top of his lungs.
The groom was wrestled to the ground, with his shirt lifted over his head ala a hockey fight.
he was grabbed by his ankles
the person holding his ankles mashed down on his crotch as though he were pumping a gas pedal
Someone came up immediately behind him yelling "ice crotch"
Someone else shoved a bunch of ice down his pants

Then a lively game of flip cup resumed.

Sometimes I miss college....

Am I Still Alive?

Evil

A little groggy. A little buzzed, too, since they upgraded me to first class and I had about 5 glasses of wine, but they were the little glasses they use on planes, so maybe it was only two and a half glasses in reality. Plane was delayed. First on the ground in Chicago and then in the air, circling above LaGuardia. I got off the plane finally. Tired. First stop: the men's room. Have to pee. Too much drinking? I pee. Then I try to wash my hands. I put my hands under the spout. Crap, broken. These infrared motion sensors are so flakey. I move to the next one. Fuck, broken too? I move to the next. This is pissing me off. All I want to do is wash my hands. I wave my hands in front of the sensor. I put my body in front of it, then move it away, then move back in front of it. Nothing? I move to the fourth sink, the last in this row. Nothing again. The guy next to me sees all of this. He's washing his hands. The sensor works for him. There are now other guys using the other sinks. It works for everyone but me? The guy next to me motions to me to wash my hands in his sink. I do. Then I leave, but not before questioning whether or not I'm still alive.

Afternoon of Gayness and Federal Offenses

The picture below was not taken at the 2007 Gay Pride Parade but at the start of something that ended up being far less pleasant. Recently Evil and I met up with a mutual friend SWCnBTA (someone who cannot be taken anywhere) for an action packed afternoon of theater, talking to strangers and committing federal offenses.

When I got to the theater, I spied SWCnBTA with a huge bouquet of flowers. Total sidebar but i find women holding flowers really attractive. Is that wierd? She was also talking to a very strange man with a name tag. Knowing SWCnBTA as someone who often carries around an entourage of randoms (witness EVIL) I let it go. I read the name tag and started talking to the fellow like he mattered. He soon drifted off and she admitted that she had no idea who she was. I stepped away to get a coffee and when I returned she was doing more of the same...with someone equally random. This time I did not take the bait.

By the time Evil showed up, I was already looking for a quick get away. Evil does not want to be here. He told me so. In fact, he's pretty passive aggressive about being here at all and holds me personally responsble. SWCnBTA is entirely apologetic. I'm confused. If he did not want to come and she knew, what is he doing here? Who am I to judge, I'm gay for musicals so I'm totally pumped.

We sit in our seats which are terrible. SWCnBTA decides she's had enough of that and with a total disregard for the rules claims much better seats. She then argues with the usher right up until curtain rise. Evil can't decide if he's horrified or bored. I am humming along to the music.

SWCnBTA does not know you cannot take pictures and is going nuts. It's borderline disrespectful but she is not the only one so I do not care outside of the fact that it might be disruptive to the show and her figiting is irksome. I'm still humming. I'm also suffering from censory overload as the director decided against having an orchestra and has the 10 odd cast members banging on instruments right on stage. The net effect being similar to someone trying to act out a scene in the middle of a marching band...a very good marching band, it was just a bit much for me.

As luck would have it. My friend was caught and had to delete all her digital photos but not without a huge fight. Evil is completely unplugged from this whole event. I'm trying to fit my 6ft 2in frame under my seat in shame.

Backstage, we try to get to SWCnBTA's friend to congratulate her. We are standing next to a young woman who "does not know" the lead but has seen "several of his tapes" and would like to chat with him. My mind wonders if he does some sort of porn or something. SWCnBTA yelps out something about how she could sneak around back and shift thru his trash. I wonder aloud if SWCnBTA should really be allowed to go anywhere. When we do get backstage, SWCnBTA's friend makes a comment about how horrific it is when people start taking pictures. I suddenly wish I could look away and whistle. Except my whistling is terrible and full of spittle.

The evening ended with Evil and I overcompensating for our masculinity by ordering more BBQ than we could possibly eat and watching college basketball till we could not move. SWCnBTA was so bored by this that she went to watch a dvr of an old "Boy meets Grill" in the bed room.

Write your Own Caption!

My Empire of Dirt

I don't know of you will laugh or cry or cringe...all reactions are appropriate.

I'm Home

Evil

I'm back now! Thanks to everyone who sent flowers and other gifts and various "I Miss You, Eviltom!" cards to my apartment. My doorman said he could barely keep up with all the deliveries coming in. You are all too much!

I just realized that I have 3 full weeks worth of DVR'd shows to catch up on. Better get hoppin'! If you don't hear from me for about 3 weeks, you know why.

Manolo Goes On Vacation Too

I just wanted to make everyone jealous and let you know that I am going on vacation to the Dominican Republic and Puerto Rico for the next 10 days. I will be returning to Miami on April 2...

If anything interesting happens, I find it highly doubtful that I will post about it. I am not one of those losers that are on a trip to Southeast Asia and spend half the day trying to find some sort of Internet cafe so they can post about running to an old friend in some "nice little town with a lot of charm and [Spanish] colonial architecture still largely intact."

Anyway, I do need a volunteer to attend the baseball draft in my place and pick some good players for the Fantasy Baseball league...

I will miss you all...not really!

Manolo And The End Of Female Landscaping

I hope this will serve as some sort of informal poll and does not offend anyone...

I have always just assumed that after Sex and the City and as Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears have led me to believe, every woman out there has been maintaining their private parts free and clear. If there is anything left, it is something small like a lighting bolt or an arrow or a runway…

Anyway, when did women stop following the aforementioned ritual? It seems that anyone in the past weeks that has been letting me get close enough to inspect has let that general area run wild…

Am I wrong? Has it always run amok? Was it the company I was keeping and their hidden addiction to Brazilian waxes?

I don’t know…it just seems to add another layer to the proceedings...

MORE GUS JOHNSON!

COLLEGE BASKETBALL!!! CBS Sports!!! THIS...is March MADNESS!!!

This guy could make the hot dog eating contest engrossing!

Flu-Like Symptoms

Evil

I'm in Laos + bird flu is in Laos + I like to roll around in bird crap = formula for disaster and/or great fun. In all seriousness, there are chickens everywhere in country! They just roam around freely. I can't figure out how they keep track of whose chicken is whose. What's to preven someone from stealing their neighbor's chicken and cooking it for dinner and they saying, "maybe a car ran over your chicken? don't look at me dude!" The other day, I was riding a rented bike down the street and passed a street food vendor. The woman was sitting in front of a small grill... she was grilling chicken kabobs. Standing next to her was a chicken, staring at the whole process quite intensely. The chick sees his future and the future does not look good.

Posting Vicariously

Evil

Since I am a sucky poster, I will live live vicariously through someone else's post. Check my friend FZ's blog for an update on what I've been up to lately.

http://francie.wordpress.com/2007/03/17/hey-we-know-that-dude/

It's amazing what comes up when you google "Superman + Porn"

Check out more details here...

Random Run-Ins

Evil

While strolling down the street yesterday, I ran into my good friend FZ. This was in Luang Prabang, Laos. How random is that! Luang Prabang isn't even the capital city of Laos. It's not the most tourist-visited city either. It's a nice little town with a lot of charm and French colonial architecture still largely in tact. Anyway, I was really glad to see FZ. She's on week 10 of a 50 week trip through Asia. Needless to say, I didn't expect to see her here. In fact, I expected to NOT see her, since her travel blog said that she was due to be in Burma this month. But as it turns out, she enjoyed the beaches of Thailand so much that she stayed a few extra weeks (who's counting?), so that's why she in Laos now.

Who's Pooh for Today?

It's someone's birthday...

Wooooooo!

Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?

Huge Intl Fan Following?

Evil

I'm at an internet cafe in Cambodia right now. I just set the default homepage on this computer to be The Hose!!! Will we have a huge international fan following in the near future??!!

Overheard in Bangkok

Evil

My cab driver in Bangkok asks if I've heard of the Ping Pong Show. The answer is no, but I'm also thinking, why the hell would I care. I mean, bring me to the arena so I can check out some Muay Thai or something. Those guys are tough. They could break a baseball bat with their shins! The cab driver says that mostly only cab drivers know about the Ping Pong Show. Turns out, it's not a Ping Pong match. But the main act does feature a ping pong ball. Another part of the act features an egg (which gets cracked). Yet another part of the act involves huge bananas.

This is Really Important!

While Evil and I have been putzing around on this stupid blog, mother f*cking Brody Jenner and Spencer Pratt have been making an international brand out of themselves.

Apparently, the douchebaggery on "The Hills" is totally contrived by them to make themselves famous and they are really proud of it.

Read this really important thing here!

I'll Be A-Seein' Ya (No I Won't)

Evil
I won't be around for a few weeks, people. Play nice while I'm away.

Manolo Gets His Heart Broken For The Last Time

For the past few months, I have been throwing a get together at my place in the lieu of happy hour. I invite all the neighbors, friends, well wishers, and other members of the Manolo entourage. This past Friday was "Bubbles and Berries" (TM) February. As the party was nearing its conclusion, my guests were already making plans with the leftover champagne. I told them to count me and my champagne out.

They couldn't understand why I couldn't go sailing with them on Saturday or why I couldn't attend that rap video shoot at the mansion in the beach. They didn't know that I have been expecting xTian since early January ever since he told me not to make any plans because he was coming for his cousin's wedding in late February.

Anyway, he calls-drunks me from the wedding and we make plans to meet Saturday. The plan is to have brunch by the pool. We are going to eat some eggs benedict and sip some Mimosas. Then we are going to make fun of Evil or Mr. Shoulders and we will reminisce about the good old days...

Saturday morning rolls around and I wake up from my champagne induced coma by the sound of a text message coming in. The message came in at 10:29 AM and it reads..."We had to go! See u next time."

I don't understand why there is always some sort of a 36-hour limit to any Miami-based xTian visit. Why can't they all be like that magical weekend of 2005...

It's always an excuse with you xTian, isn't it?. Always with the emails or 10 AM text messages trying to make up what you so dastardly destroy time and time again. Sorry it's not going to cut it this time. I will no longer play the role of your enabler. I won't let you walk over me anymore...

Write Your Own Caption!

Guest Starring the Bumpasaurus!!! And other fun Family members!

More Weddings! Part 1

I love this song.

I was in Miami this past weekend for a wedding! My cousin, DEEG, though technically already married threw herself a rocking party for her friends and family in Miami.

Lots of upside to this wedding for a bunch of reasons. Anyone remember this comedy? Same crew, same town, new situation. My mom was not coming as she's on the 15 Day Disabled List, but lots of potential for crazy with the Bump, my pops, and the rest of this zany crew.

It was going to be a bang, bang, in and out trip for a bunch of reasons. But as my brother later pointed out it was mostly so he could avoid hanging out with Manolo for an extended period of time.

Bump feigned being ill on the drive down. When we stopped to get gas I walked into the rest area to get some airborne for us and a green tea for the kid. Of course Bump grabs a red bull and a green tea and my dad has his 3rd cup of coffee as a chaser to the airborne i hand him.

We spend the rest of the ride bouncing off the walls and taking turns demanding to pull into rest areas so we can use the bathroom and accelerate our collective caffine induced dehydration.

At the hotel, we grab a quick lunch. Soon several cousins stop by proclaiming that yesterday at the rehearsal dinner was fun. One also proclaiming that nothing was his fault. As he left my dad asked me what that was all about, I asked him how much he really cared.

As he took a bite of his grouper sandwhich he stuck out his hand palm side down lightly fluttered it in such a way that I unsure if he was answering "not much" or telling me his sandwhich was at best ok.

No one said anything else at the table till we were done eating.

As we got on the trolley, a stocky fellow grabbed me and handed me a sheet. Apparently I was meant to read this at the church. It was in spaSo the translation nish, I had not read it or prepared so I started looking at it.

Getting on the trolley a stephen king look a like stops me and says "holla". Bump asks him to stop being racist. It turns out to be the groom's father. he has a corona in his hand, we're on our way to a church. Actually everyone has a corona in their hand, except me. Had I stayed at the Day's Inn I'd have more beer money.

At the church, the ceremony starts. While I read what I have to say over and over. The grammer on this stuff is wrong by the way...way wrong, even in english its an awkward sentence. The translation must be busted.

I'm judging the collective ability of my family to structure sentences, clearly they are frequent visitors to the xTian School of bad grammer and run on sentences. While thats going on, Bump is doing a comedy routine for my dad. The priest is happily ignoring us.

My reading goes off without a hitch but I get to sit at the alter while Stephen King does a reading. DEEG is facing the alter as well and breaks into a laugh during something about obeying your husband. I can't stop myself and let out a squeel. My uncle who is sitting next to me grabs me tersely by the neck. I put my face in my hands. Oh god, I just got here and already I suck.


Songs of the Car Trip
Debaser(cover) by Rogue Wave
I Will Remember by Bloc Party
Black Swan by Thom Yorke
Smack That by Akon
Sweet Escape by Gwen Stefani
Chips Ahoy by The Hold Steady

The last Killers Album was also extensively discussed and polarized the car over whether it was any good or just exhausting in its seriousness of tone

Wierd Home Stuff

My dad just flipped to this on TV and talked about what a pretty song it is.

My dad = freak on a leash???

Other Terrible Blogs covering the Oscars

The ShowBiz Show also covered the Oscars. If you have nothing funny to say don't say anything at all.

Poser

Evil

WTF is up with Gwenyth Paltrow? She's sporting a fake British accent. So lame!

Mid-Oscar update

Evil

I just finished eating an entire roast chicken. I've had 4 glasses of sparkling wine. And I'm ironing my dress shirts for the upcoming work week. The Oscars are riveting. I might go eat 4 tangerines during the next segment.

The ghost of James Taylor

My boredom is interrupted by Randy Newman dragging out James Taylor's corpse and re-enacting a scene from Weekend at Bernies.

What? They're nominated for Best Song? Really?

The Girl From Little Miss Sunshine

Evil



The girl from Little Miss Sunshine is on stage presenting some award. I'm already too hammered to keep track of which award is which. How old is that girl? She's wearing a strapless gown, exposing her shoulders. Is that appropriate? How long before a sleezy old guy, like Scott Baio, gets in her pants? I give it 18 months. Hollywood is a cruel place.

Clowny Tall Guy

Evil

Do you remember that tall guy from SNL? They're making him sing about being a clown. OH NO! Jack Black just jumped in! Jack Black needs to take a sedative. They're both singing about being clowns / comedians. They cut to Leo DiCaprio in the audience. Is that his wife or his mom sitting next to him? Whoever she is, why can't she afford a nose job?

Whoa, who's the 3rd person who just jumped into this musical skit? Is he from the MTV show Jackass, starring Johnny Knoxville?

I hate this skit. I am singing at home. I wish you could all see this.

Jack Black and Will Farrell

Jack and Will come out and sing a song about how it sucks to be them and make movies that make a lot of money but are not taken seriously. I'm not sure this applies to Jack, I mean who liked King Kong? What about that wierd movie with Ben Stiller, and doesn't he take himself way to serious?

My line of thinking is interrupted by John C Rielly coming up and singing about occasionally doing something like Magnolia so people take you seriously. that's exactly what I need in my life Will Farrell doing serious movies. Didn't that trick blow up in Adam Sandler's face?

There are several overt come ons to Helen Mirren...i gag a bit

Pan's Labrynth wins again...that movie is fine...

Opening Monologue

Evil


Ellen DeGeneres is doing the opening monologue. She's wearing a red velvet suit. She keep stumbling on her words, but that's her shtick. Yeah, being a poor speaker is my shtick too. It's on purpose.

I gotta hand it to Ellen though. She's held up much better than Melissa Ethridge. They cut to a brief shot of her earlier. Melissa Ethridge looks like she's been tortured the past 5 years. Tortured by having Cheetos stuffed down her throat.

Everyone takes a Bow

The Oscars open witha wierd montage no one likes. Then they ask all the nominees to stand at their seats and take a bow. Isn't the whole night about taking a bow?

Ellen Degeneres's purple velvet suit and white shoes is a little too vegas...

I'm betting she won't be funny. Wait she always wanted to host the academy awards? Really? Is that something little girls dream about?

Let's assume she's terrible

Greatest Actress of Her Generation

Evil



Lisa Ling is interviewing Kate Winslet. She throws out the tidbit that, at age 31, Kate Winslet is the youngest actress to have 5 Oscar nominations. Kate Winslet is the greatest actress of her generation. Although Natalie Portman isn't far behind. Linsay Lohan is a dark horse in that race. Have you seen Mean Girls?!

The Three Stooges

Apparently this is the first time Mark has been invited to the Oscars. Please note, Tracy Edmunds, I'm sure Mark brought a date too...but we have no idea who she is or what she looks like. The only time you should get on a camera is when you have a nip slip...


They just compared the del toro, ignarratu, and cauron to Coppola, scorcese and de palma. del toro just made an obligitory three stooges joke. the woman interviewing them just grab del toro's ass. I don't get it, are they segregating the mexicans? Why did they have to be interviewed together?

Lisa Ling asked kate winslett about doing a nude love scene, between that and her prodding Nicole and Naomi to describe their relationship I think we have a developing story here. Over/Under on Lisa tonguing down a female oscar attendee? 12 minutes

Ryan Gosling Montage

After a crazy montage that includes him dancing on Mickey Mouse Club with Britney we cut to Ryan Gossling is "rolling large" according to Chris Connelly. He thanks chris saying that he was "rolling like snoop" with his mom and sister on both arms.

I really liked Half Nelson.... I hope he wins

Penelope to more Eddie

Cut to the PriceWaterhouseCoopers guys. They are skeeving out Penelope Cruz, who is so unnerved by their presence she fails to say anything coherent. Chris Connelly asks her a very long winded question that includes the answer she eventually spits back in his direction.

jada Pinkett Smith is 4ft 8. the Gay dude interviewing him wants to re-enact the scene from his first movie....they cut away from will before he gets sodomized in front of his son.

A rapidly deteriorating Cameron Diaz is all in white. She's a bit bloadted and drunk. JT clearly got off that train at the right time...bastard

Oh no, Lisa Ling is talking to Eddie (again). Who is Tracy Edmonds and why does she have to be introduced as well? I mean she's good looking and what not but what about Scary Spice? Is she home 8 months preggers with his kid? He just shouted out Pluto Nash...

Comedians Are Unbearable On The Red Carpet

Evil

Chris "I Wish I Were Kurt Loder" Connelly is interviewing Steve Carell ("40 Year Old Virgin"), who is trying to be funny, but actually falling flat on his face. Much like this post. Comedians are so unbearable on the red carpet. People, just be yourself! Why do you always feel the need to play the clown? You're not funny when teams of genius writers aren't scripting your lines.

Steve Carril and Chris Connelly

While Chris is interviewing Steve a factiod flashes indicating that Steve once was a mail carrier in rurual Massachussetts.

A british chick who was in Devil Wears Prada is interviewed. Anna Hathaway has nothing to say. I wish she would show us her tits again...

Jennifer Hudson is Fat and Ugly

There I said it...we can all move on

Chris Connelly

Evil

ABC hired Chris Connelly to work the red carpet? Isn't that scraping the bottom of the barrel? I mean, the last time that Chris Connelly was cool was... I guess that was back when *I* was cool. That is, never. C'mon! This is the Oscars. I want to be entertained. Oh, they just cut to Lisa Ling. She's interviewing Nicole Kidman, who's towering over her. Asians just don't get that tall.

Pre-Game Meal

Evil

I'm in the process of eating an entire roast chicken. Wade Boggs (All Time Yankee Great!) always ate chicken before baseball games. I'm well on my way to obsesity. Half way though a bottle of champagne (well, actually, sparkling wine).

8:01 pm Openning Scene

Th Happy Feet Penguins do this wierd montage thing to "boogie wonderland". It doesn't make much sense to me.

The announcer, Chris Connelly, welcomes us and chris mentions that they have camera's they have never been before. (In Chris' place does this mean a girl's private parts?...that's right I said it, I went cheap early with the gay jokes)

Leo leads off talking about how hard it is to make a movie in the hollywood system about "something". He's apparently referring to blood diamonds. Which looks completely unbearable.

He cuts to Lisa Ling! I beg a question, is the Oscars Red Carpet where pseudo celebrity interviewers go to die?

Lisa is asking Nicole Kidman and Naomi Watts how much they hang out. No one cares

Live from the Red Carpet

That automaton Ryan Seacrest and Eddie Murphy just held an impromptu MENSA meeting on the red carpet. Ryan asked Eddie if given that the was on Saturday Night Live (?!) did he feel pressured to entertain during the red carpet speech.

He also asked Mark "don't call me Marky" Wahlberg about his troubles with the law as a youth, twenty years ago in South Boston...

I'm left wondering if Ryan's hard drive has serious disk errors on all data collected after 1985.

Pre-Gaming

Evil



I just finished watching the final day of the Tour of California on the Vs. Network (formerly the Outdoor Living Network). Switched over the the Barbara Walters pre-Oscars special. My testosterone-to-estrogen level has not adjusted yet. It's like spending 2 or 3 days in a spider hole and then suddenly being thrust into direct sunlight. Your eyes need more than a few seconds.

Barbara Walters is interviewing Helen Mirren ("The Queen"). Helen Mirren just said, "But I have a huge bottom" and then her and Barbara Walters both giggle. Someone kill me.

Real Time Blogging, Oscars Edition

Evil

Get ready people! Real Time Blogging (TM) coming up! Also, I've been drinking since 5pm today. If I blog anything stupid, just blame it on XTIAN.

At Last!

Evil

Even though my family is crazy and super stressful to be around sometimes, at least one good thing came out of Chinese New Year: As part of going back to Queens to see them, I also got to drop into a Best Buy in Queens. And guess what?! They had Wii controllers in stock! Woo! It's been impossible to find any supply in any of the Manhanttan stores or even online (except on Ebay where they rape you in exchange for the controllers). Now I have 4 full sets of controllers. Now all I need is 3 friends. That'll be the toughest find.

Yo, What Up Bitches?

Evil

Hey, happy lunar new year, y'all. Also, happy valentine's day. I haven't heard much from KenTak3. I wonder if he did anything special for Mamacita and/or Bruno. Or if his emotion chip is still on backorder. If you think getting hold of a Nintendo Wii is hard... Anyway. Mr. Shoulders has been quiet lately. I haven't ridden in this Porsche yet! Although at this point, there's probably already too much DNA all over the seats for me to go in there without a hazmat suit. Evil Twin #2 said she was coming over next week to check out my apartment (at the recommendation of KenTak3, who was apparently giving my bathroom fixtures a really hard look). I doubt Evil Twin #2 will actually come though. What I think she'll actually do is call me from someone else's apartment and tell me how nice that other apartment is. Lastly, Mr. and Mrs. Balls is in town this weekend! Try to catch them if you can. (Or, if you're like me, you'll just say, "Meet you at 11pm? Hah!")

Too Much Or Too Little?

Evil

When people don't post, I always wonder if it's because they have too much going on in their real lives, or too little? I wonder what Manolo is up to? I wonder if XTIAN and his new roommate (bedmate?) are getting along nicely.

So have *I* had too much or too little going on the past couple of weeks? Neither, really. Although I did book a 3 week trip to southeast Asia. Planning to visit Thailand, Cambodia, and Laos. I told me mom and she was like, "What is there to see in Laos? It's so small. Sometimes, I think you're kind of weird." My dad called me last night and he was all freaked out. Among other things, he said, "Do you realize that Cambodia is a dangerous country? Before you were born, we fled the country, your mom, me, and your sister, we almost didn't get out alive. They look at foreigners like you and it's not out of the question that they would kill you."

DUDE! That was 30+ years ago. Is my dad stuck in a time warp?

Anyway, I plan to go to these countries and adopt unwanted Asian babies by the basketful. Any one want one? Just shoot me an email and tell me boy or girl preferred. And light skin or dark skin.