Outdated Movie Review: Pan's Labyrinth

Evil


According to Netflix, Pan's Labyrinth is a "fairy tale for adults." I was expecting something like Edward Scissorhands or even Beetle Juice. But noooo. Pan's Labrynth is a different type of movie altogether. First of all, it's not even in English. WTF? The entire movie is narrated in German. Or Mexican. Or something. Who the hell knows? Isn't English the official language of the great United States of America?

Back to the Netflix description, which adds: "10-year-old Ofelia (Ivana Baquero) stumbles on a decaying labyrinth..." Whoa! 10 years old? C'mon. This role was completely mis-casted. The girl had little boobies and child-bearing hips. It was quite uncomfortable, actually. When I watch a movie, I want no doubts as to whether I should be pants-on or pants-off. This movie was squarely in between. It sucked!

There's not much good stuff I can say about this movie. The characters are completely one dimensional, with no development that takes place over the course of the narration. The flat characters are epitomized by the Facist officer, Capeetan (Sergi Lopez). Why is that guy such a dick throughout the entire movie? I mean, cmon. Take a chill pill, dude.

Even if you're totally bored and have nothing better to do with your life and must absolutely get this movie on Netflix just to get your money's worth from your $21.95 membership (you cheap bastard), at the very least, avoid the DVD director's commentary at all cost! Holy crap! This director is the most self-absorbed douche bag this side of Dennis Miller. His commentary is unbearable. He comments on his movie as if he were the combination of George Lucas, Woody Allen, Jesus Christ, Albert Einstein, and Walt Disney. Two words aptly describe his commentary: mental masturbation. Someone hand me two Kleenex.

Overall, this movie gets 1 star (out of 5,000).