Party Time in Miami

A few weeks ago I found myself in Miami. Dual reasons. My mom wanted to go and it was her birthday and my cousin who lived down there was throwing herself a double-quinceanera.

Here are some highlights

On the drive out to miami, my mom explained to Bump and I that she would be better off if we married latinas because there would be less debate around supporting her. This is sort of funny right now, but will get very funny later...

We were all decieved by the sun. On an overcast day on the beach my family putzed around on the sand and in the water. We all got very burned. When my cousin mentioned that there were only appetizers at her rather expensive party, i quickly turned to my brother and said "let's go eat".

At the club, a fellow I met once in 1993 walked up to me and was heartbroken that I did not know who he was. My brother and one of my cousins laughed openly in his face as I struggled to remember who he was. When the fellow referenced something called "the shadow program" spittle flew out of my brother's mouth as he struggled to keep from coughing...poor guy...you seem very nice. you should not have been treated that way by my goofball relatives.

My brother bonded with some dude who was completely out of control and they proceeded to get ripped together continually shouting about how much affection they had for each other...it was odd...

My mom spent a bit of time wondering why my cousin had such unattractive friends. I am pretty sure I would have let a few passing comments go but she would not let up on this observation for about 4 days. For example after 4 hours of driving from Miami back to Orlando, we got close to home and my mom half asleep muttered
"gosh that girl was ugly"
"what girl mom?"
"your cousin's friends..."

My dad pounded quite a bit of wine. He was bored.

There are several pictures of my family, our faces are a color that resembles a tomato...

Manolo showed up at the party to say hey. Seeing Manolo is always a good time. My mom, again, in a bizarrely unfiltered moment, wondered aloud if Manolo was gay...My dad took this in pensively, all the while doing a rather solid mike francesca imitation, sipped some wine and agreed it was "possible...its VERY possible"

A cousin had the following exchange with my brother:
Cousin: "[xtian] knows baby, when you roll with me you gotta take care of me"
The Bumpasaurus: "Aren't you 10 years older than me? Why am I buynig you drinks?"

The Bumpasaurus and Manolo found themselves hitting on a couple of 40 something hags ("39" -Bumpasaurus) At one point one girl flirts with Bump and shows him camera phone pics of herself topless on the beach. Mixed in these photos was a picture of the said trollup with severe bruising on her face. My brother attempted to rip the camera from her hand to show my mom saying something like "mom, is this latina appropriate..." During the excitment, my dad looked up, took notice, and asked me if his son was hitting on a man dressed as a woman...I agreed that it was "possible...its VERY possible"

One of my cousin's friends was talking to me...it was fine...she was a princetonian and one thing that is funny about princetonites are their feelings on Eating Clubs, there is no middle ground. My roommates swear by them and think anyone who doesnt is anti-princeton, and possibly anti-american and the HUAC should be reconvened to investigate them. My cousins on the other hand, think they are [something negative] and [something unPC]. Anyway, I was interested in her views on the matter and asked her "so, were you a member of an eating club?". My brother and an old HS friend heard this, gave each other double takes and ran around giggling and telling everyone in sight that i am "still an a**hole". What I left out was that this very intelligent and completely lovely sister was a little big. I thought my question was fine but was disturbed by the sight of several people laughing hysterically. Had I not already had a severe sunburn I would have gone red with shame.

Towards the end of an evening, my very drunk brother was approached by two twins on the dance floor trying to dance. In a classic replay of that skit from the Chappelle Show, The Bump gave both girls the heisman (with one hand- nice form!) suggesting that that both girls "take it easy" as he felt they were a little below his incredibly high Florida, trailer park standards...

Shout out to the family! I miss you guys! Let's do this more often.

Shout out to Manolo, who my mother still refers to as "[xtian's] mother, [manolo]" for always being hospitable...