Happy Birthday, America!

Evil

happy birthday to the greatest country on earth (current foreign policy notwithstanding). america, you dont look a day over 225. even though we know you're really 231. you're letting yourself go a bit in the midsection (shape up, you fatties in chicago!), but we still love you. luckily, you're in such good health for your age, because you have no healthcare. but whatever, botox and boob lifts arent covered by insurance.

and to our loyal following on the hose, some words of advice as you celebrate america's birthday (because i care about you and want you to have a fun but safe holiday)...

xtian: no really means no.

the bumpasaurus: you shouldnt try to clench that roman candle in your butt cheeks, no matter how good you are at it.

manolo: there's a difference between a bottle rocket and a pocket rocket. try not to mix them up (like last year).

kentak3: yes, you can take today off from work, even though you're japanese (and a robot).

mamacita: see you at the BBQ... dont pretend like you dont know me! makes me sad. :(

evil twin #1: if you're going down to the esplanade, might as well pick some pockets.

evil twin #2 (TFME): will you post some more on your blog already?!

bruno: stay away from the bbq grill at all costs!!!