I played tennis last Saturday for the first time this season. It was a lot of fun, except for the time my opponent hit a drop shot, and I ran full speed to the net, and lunged, and made the shot, only to stumble and skid across the pavement on my knee and elbow for a few yards. Opponent then hits a winner past me.
Result: lost point, and a big gnarly scrape on my knee and elbow. Scrapes which have now become big gnarly scabs. Scabs I oddly find myself wanting to pick.
A few times today I've had to remind myself that I am an adult, and adults don't pick scabs. Or do they....?
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Gross Out Post of the Day
The Hosecast: Episode 2 - Swine Flu Attack!
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This sound 85% better. You can understand the Bump this time! Woo
We break down the swine flu, Mark Sanchez, Sanjay Gupta before we lose ourselves in the darkness of Mike Tyson's existence.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
MSW Rolls on - Mark Sanchez's Family
Check out this happy video of Mark and his awesome family BBQing. They're just like us!
They are all made for TV - his dad when asked about supporting his kid says "yes, I'm his biggest athletic supporter" with a wry grin!
We need an ESPN Deportes reality series on these people ASAP!
If this kid learns to merengue he will own NYC!
Things I Did Not Know About Until Older Than Imagined (TIDNKAUOTI)
In no particular order:
1. The Golem of Prague
2. Stinky Cheese
3. Economics
4. Mixed drinks
5. Food allergies
6. Birth control
7. Serious stupidity
8. Sacrifice
9. Credit
10. Hummus
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American Idol Rewind
We’re in!!
First off, a word about the episode theme: Rat Pack, although every single one seems to really be from a musical written by Cole Porter or Ira Gershwin in the ‘30s….so let’s call this show the American Songbook episode. EVERY song is durable, impeccably written, so that even we could sing it and you would still say, “wow, great song.” Note to husband: don’t ever sing me “My Funny Valentine”, which is the biggest backhanded compliment song ever written…”You’re ugly, but I love you, isn’t that funny?” Blech.
Also, what’s up with KB1 suddenly becoming an NBA fan? You think you know a guy after 7 years. NBA finals last like 4 months, so I assume he is out for the duration of Idol. Reviews after the jump.
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Kris “What Wife?” Allen – He picked perhaps the best song of the group, and chose the swingin’ Frank Sinatra arrangement. Smart move. He wore a nice suit. Catjjy thinks his stage presence is small. He’s in the bottom two of the remaining contestants in terms of actual singing ability, so he benefited mightily from going first this week. Did anyone else notice that he is building up his heart-throb cred? No mention of his young wife during that very romantic song. Not even a quick shot of her in the stands.
Allison “Transitioning Back to Brown Hair” Iraheta – Another very good song choice. Very loung-y, perhaps the next Diana Krall. She still feels like she is killing at a talent show, rather than headlining at the Bowry Ballroom.
Matt “What Mole?” Giraud – The judges say this is a very difficult song to sing. I’ll take their word for it. It certainly isn’t very fun to listen to, then or now. So long, Matt.
Danny “Downy Jr.” Gokey – Continues to compile his resume for Best Wedding Singer in the MidWest. KB1 made that comment weeks ago, a bit facetiously. We mean that as a real compliment. He’s going to get people out on the dance floor, wailing out “Brick House” and the like. But, again, we aren’t lining up to buy his first album.
Adam “Theater Queen” Lambert – Goes the full Liza this week: over-the-top Broadway camp. Love a man whose suit matches his teeth. We reiterate our comment that he seems to get preferential use of lighting and stage props. We can’t WAIT for the rock episode. And, of course, the forthcoming vampire puppet rock opera.
Come back next week, KB1!
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
We Interrupt This Broadcast......
Um..... I take my Idol blogging pretty seriously - meaning I do it most of the time, except when I can't. Tonight is one of those nights. Consider this:
- Game 6 of the Celtics and Bulls. Score is 62-61 right now.
- Game 7 of Rangers and Capitals. Score is tied 1-1 right now.
Tuesday Quickies - Boston Edition
Yesterday I was in Boston meeting with various people around the city - 7 hours - 5 meetings - 5 different places - which made it feel like a really condensed episode of the amazing race. Some highlights.
- I took the Amtrak. The guy sitting across from me wore a purple tie on a purple shirt. Other than that he looked like any other professional on the Acela. WTF?
- I had the oldest, grumpiest, most foul-mouthed cab driver I've ever encountered. He was also a racist. I know because he told me. First thing.
- I found Chinatown. I've been to Boston a lot, and somehow always managed to miss it. I did not see Evil, however, which supports his claims of being in the real China.
- The combination of warmth, sun, and a weekend sweep of the Yankees seemed to create a perfect storm of uncommon friendliness, even to a visiting New Yorker. Thanks!
- I took the last flight on JetBlue home. That same douche in the purple on purple sat across from me again. Awkward.
- 2 girls on the plane were in med school - the same school that produced that hooker killer guy apparently. They talked really loud about him for the first half of the flight. I think they wanted people to hear them. They wanted us to say "ohhh, you KNOW him?!?! What's he like?!?!?!" I wasn't about to do that. Nice try.
MSW- Tuesday - Sanchez gets Dirty at Citi Field
Yesterday, the newly appointed King of NY made his presence felt!
Mark Sanchez brought his charisma, good looks, and leadership qualities to the CitiField to throw out the first pitch and lead the Mets the to an 8-1 victory over the first place Marlins! What leadership! What charisma! Can we fit him for a fur trench coat already?
That was after an action packed day of throwing footballs to his brothers at Baker Field and getting yelled at by the governmental overlords now running Citibank! Mark's Twitterfeed is after the jump!
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I Hate This Guy
Evil
I saw this picture and read the headline: "Florida High School Senior to Try for Fifth Consecutive No-Hitter" and automatically hated this guy. Look at his douchy face. Who pitches like that. Dude, what happened to sportsmanship? If you're so much better than everyone else in your league, go play in another league already. Going for your 5th straight no-hitter is an a-hole thing to do. I hope your arm snaps off while you pitch.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Poll Results - Lazy Ass Edition
Evil
My problem is that I'm too lazy. Too lazy to write any witty commentary. So I will crowdsource the commentary for this poll. Have at it, Hosers!
Mark Sanchez Week!
This week will be Mark Sanchez Week for me on the Hose. Every day I'll post something about Mark just so we can all get to know him better.
For those of you who don't know the Jets traded up to draft the best looking, most charismatic QB on the board. That's just like the Jets, judging a QB on his looks instead of his arm strength. 
Here is a picture of Mark and his girlfriend, It's not obvious what her name is. It is obvious why he's dating her if you know what I mean. If you don't know what I mean then let's just say she has awesome boobies.
By all indications she is not the one who accused him of assault two years ago.
I can't imagine a better college gig that being the USC Starting QB. Can you?
Quick Warning - The last thing anyone should do from work today is google "Mark Sanchez's girlfriend". A lot of random madness comes up.
Monday Morning Quickies
Evil
- Had a total craving for Burger King but sure as hell did not want to leave the apartment. So I called for delivery. Their minimum order for delivery is 65 RMB (about $9.50 USD). So I ordered: 1 Double Whopper, 2 BK Fish Burgers, 1 Six-Piece Chicken Tenders, 1 Onion Rings. Just ate everything in under 10 minutes flat. I hate myself.
- Just read that Jaime Foxx chiseled his formerly perfect teeth to play the role of a homeless guy. WHAT!
- My apartment is not the same w/o Chairman Meow. I want him back!
- This week is my 12th and last week of class. Next week, I start backpacking around China. First a quick trip up to Beijing. Then off to Xi'an to see the Terracotta Soliders. Then gonna head west and going all the way to western China, where the country borders Khazahkstan and the Chinese people basically look white.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Quickies from Nihon
Konnichiwa!
Just a quick post to let everyone know that Kentak3 and I are alive and kicking. Today is his birthday, so we have been wandering the streets of Hiroshima looking for a gift. We saw a pet store with chihuahuas, but no luck in convincing him that it was just the birthday present he wanted.
Anyway, Japan is great. My Top 5 Favorite Things About Japan so far are after the jump. Soon, we'll be off to Shanghai to see what tomfoolery Evil has been up to.
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1. All of the toilet seats are heated and come with a variety of other functions (including playing music) even in public bathrooms. Nothing can beat Toto's widespread innovation.
2. Cars and taxis turn off their engines in the street when not moving (like at red stoplights). Then, they turn them back on when the light turns green. How is that for Japanese efficiency?
3. There are loads of women in short skirts and knee socks, almost bordering on pantless. (See photo of GoGo from Kill Bill Vol. 1 up top for a helpful visual.)
4. Sake can be purchased in convenience stores (like the 7-11) for 375 Yen. Also, there are many delicious red bean snacks. (Note: Kentak3 made me add the part about the red bean snacks. Who cares about those when you already have the sake?)
5. Japan's inadvertent entertaining use of English. Examples include: "Happy Discount" for items on sale, "Happy Bath Day" for shower gel, "Casual Sweets" for pastries, and "Morning Banana" for juice bottle.
Breaking Idol News!
Evil
In case you're not following Slash on Facebook and/or Twitter... check out what Slash just posted! He's been asked to be the mentor/coach for Rock Week. I hope he does it. That would... err... that would Rock!
Allison would of course kick ass on Rock Week. She was born for it.
How would Adam do? Is it possible to be super gay, yet Rock? Of course it is! Maybe Adam should do a Judas Priest song? NAH. That would be so gay. He should go totally do Paradise City (full 6 minute 48 second version!!!) with Slash playing lead guitar. WOW. That would bring the house down.
Kris would totally suck c*ck during Rock Week. I cannot think of a weaker-looking, weaker-sounding douche than Kris. He's keeping his fingers crossed for Lilith Fair week.
Robert Downey Jr Lookalike (all of a sudden, I can't recall his name) will do a serviceable rendition of some song that's only borderline Rock. Maybe something by Phil Collins. Maybe that stupid Drops of Jupiter song. You get the point. Slash will be disappointed and so will America.
Mole Man Giraud will already be off the show by then, thank goodness. His mole is giving me nightmares!
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Unpopular Position of the Day
I think I don't object to torture - not the kind everyone has their panties in a bunch about lately. If the torture they have been talking about was cutting fingers off torture, or pulling teeth out torture, I would be against it. But this doesn't really bother me so much.
Now, I do think waterboarding anyone 150+ times is probably a little pointless. But if doing that a few times helps, I'm not sure it's worthy of a big kerfuffle.
I also think it is a shortcoming in the english language that the same word (torture) can be defined by both waterboarding, and slowly pulling somebody apart by the limbs (which is what I usually envision when I hear the word). Seems like we could use some gradation here.
Manolo Is L-O-V-E
My birthday was just a few days ago and I want to thank everyone that is part of the Hose for all the birthday wishes sent my way. I have been having quite the blast...
Unfortunately, today I had to come to the office and instead of finishing what I am supposed to do so I could go back to partying like a rock star, I find myself procrastinating by checking out the latest lame Killer B post. That guy does not disappoint...he is like the little engine that couldn't...I definitely do not feel like that guy...
It kind of made me wonder as to why that was...in 32 years on this earth, it had never occurred to me to do the math until now...I am not to good with the graphics a la sparks and I did fail Calculus in college so I may have messed up a negative sign here and there but here it goes...
My birthday minus 40 weeks(y)=possible date of conception(x)
Solving the first equation for y means possible date of conception gives us a range of July 18 to July 25...
Thus second equation is log4range/(special occasion+birthday(32). Solving the inequality (1/2) <= x <= 32 = parent's one year wedding anniversary.
One year wedding anniversary=weekend getaway + the horizontal mambo parental unit A / parental Unit B + 240 seconds = L-O-V-E = GOD = MANOLO
I bet you Evil or xTian can't say the same thing for themselves, no matter how much fuzzy math they use...
I Never Feel Like This Guy
After taking some heat from Evil (the most territorial blogger I know) I've decided to launch an original, brand new feature to The Hose. Using pictures I find in the mainstream media, I will demonstrate just how pedestrian my life is, by showing how remarkable other lives are. It's completely new, and probably the most original thing The Hose has ever seen.
To kick things off, I give you Kevin Youkilis, who hit a walk off home-run in the 11th inning at Fenway last night (after the Yankees gave up a 2 run lead with 2 outs in the ninth (Evil, consider Mariano Rivera for your lame and tired feature Sometimes I Feel Like This Guy)).
Friday, April 24, 2009
Do I Have Catnip On My Feet?
Evil
 |
| From Chaiman Meow and My Foot |
Check out Chairman Meow going totally crazy for my foot. Notice that he does a Russell Crowe at the end... notices that he's being videotaped and takes a swipe at the camera!
Thursday, April 23, 2009
American Idol Bracketology
Well - after last night's big Eliminationpalooza our bracket competition is really beginning to heat up. A few observations:
- Manolo is a jerk
- Sparks and Catjjy are clearly are meant to be together forever.
- (or, Sparks, Catjjy and Evil are meant to be together forever)
- KillerB1 and KillerB2 are very different people (but still meant to be together forever).
- x-tian prefers nonsensical capital letters which I won't acknowledge
- Our chart is fuzzy.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Things That Make You Say "Good Gravy"
Every now and then I come across a fact, a tidbit, a picture, an anecdote that makes me think "Good gravy! Can that possibly be true?" I've had a couple from the natural world lately so I thought I'd share them with Hosers to see if you are equally gobsmacked.
1) In doing some reading for my upcoming trip to the Galapagos (which Evil was very excited about, and convincingly lead me to believe he was also in for the journey, for which I did oodles and oodles of research and haggling with the tour company, only to be dumped and left on my own) I read an interesting fact about tortoises. Back in the day when whalers would stop there, they would collect hundreds of tortoises to hang in the hulls of their ship to have as fresh meat. Turns out a tortoise can live for up to a year, hanging upside down in a sunless ship hull, without food or water. Good gravy!
2) Ants make up 10% of the Earth's biomass - that is 10% of the mass of all living things - plants and animals. Good gravy!
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
The Hosecast Week 1: Summer Movie Preview
xTian and his brother, the bumapasaurus, discuss a wide range of topics including the homoerotic subtext of the new wolverine movie, Stacy Dash vs. Zoe Saldana, portugese colonies, the impact of the recession on Yankee ticket sales and other unintended consequences all while trying to figure out which of this summer's super dorky scifi/comic book/cartoon based movies are the most interesting.
Add to my Page or subscribe via iTunes here.
I'm still getting the kinks out but I wanted to demonstrate some progress. A couple of programming notes: On Friday, I'll invite Manolo on to discuss his most recent post. Next week I'll recap Shanghai living with Evil. Stay Tuned.
Shout out to the Bump for being a good sport!
American Idol Recap - The Wrath fo Girard?!?!?
It's Disco Night! and Ryan welcomes us by reminding us that "THIS....IS AMERICAN IODL". I am so pumped to be covering for KillerB this week I can't stand it, Especially on Disco Night! I am already hoping that Allison sings Barry White's "Ecstasy". I am also hoping Danny does something like the BeeGee's "Inside and Out" because though the disco era was primarily about the boogie in many ways it was also about the inversion of sexual roles. We should never forget that. Also, if anyone should own this week, it's Lil...I'm not saying, I'm just saying.
We'll do some recapping inside the jump
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Couple of thoughts going out - did they have to share one Donna Summer album or something? Could no one mix it up a bit?
What about some "Boogie Wonderland", "Brickhouse", "Do you love what you feel?" anything like that?
See ya in hell Anoop and Matt!
Manolo Doesn’t Want to Call It a Comeback
About a year ago, I was unceremoniously dumped in what was clearly a fixed and corrupt poll. I disputed the poll results and when that didn’t pan out, I took to the mountains and staged a bit of a revolution. I was doing okay for a while but changing real estate market conditions meant I had to go back to my regular life. I took refuge in my work and tried to keep the banks at bay. You would think I owe them money…oh wait, I do.
As an escape, I also started blogging in the new and improved Hose… That didn’t last too long since I was too busy and my lack of activity had nothing to do with the fact that a lot of nights I stayed home drinking my sorrows away or playing with my Wii (Evil, please mark this as a single entendre).
Every 3-4 months I would come back and scan the Hose and saw how everyone was patting themselves in the back. I saw how snide comments were heaped upon me every few posts. This did not happen with the Bumpasaurus or Sleeve or Cheo (previous members of the Hose). I saw how charts were made up to showcase how the amount of comments per month went up during my absence. Of course, said chart did not take into account that the number of posts per month increased as well. Where is the chart to show that the number of comments were proportional to the number of posts and that said ratio has kept pace, if not decreased through the years?
It seems that the Hose became a popularity contest were quality was eschewed in favor of quantity. Trust me, I know about quantity versus quality. I have slept with quite a few ugly chicks in my day…Nowadays, it seems the Hose now revolves around American Idol and lame “looky-likeys”, and teabagging all in a ploy to pad the numbers in the Google page rankings….
Can’t you see that money and fleeting popularity have blinded you? Can't you see that you sold your souls for the ad revenue?
The Hose has failed to live to the founding tenets of its charter….and I quote “The Hose is like "id Gone Wild". Join us as we fail to push our agendas both online and in real life.”
How are Sparks and Catjjy failing online and in real life? Beautiful family, happily married, probably in the top 1% of wage earner, living in San Francisco, beautiful kid, tons of Facebook friends with photos to prove it…
Where is the emotion exposed? Where is the rawness? The pain? Where are people’s dark and inner secrets? Why doesn’t anyone talk about the time xTian gave himself a roofie? Does anyone make fun of him for his love for Gilmore Girls? Where is the counter to see how many 16-and-under country girls Evil has "erroneously" banged while in China? Why isn’t anyone questioning Killer B’s sexuality? Come on, you kind of have to wonder with all his American Idol reviews...
You see, I was going to comment all this on a random post, but as I was scrolling the Hose, I was very surprised to find my name listed back as one of the contributors…Perhaps it was an editor’s mistake (someone should be fired for this)….I took it as a sign from above (not religious at all but the thingie that moves my chair up and down broke and since I am too lazy to swap it with the one in the office next door, technically the monitor is kind of above me)…
I have decided that I may not be the most popular but my stuff will always be from the heart with no filters...it will be raw, emotional, personal…it will be just like the original Hose except that my posts will include the more/hide feature (once I figure how that damn HTML code works...Satan's spawn, I tell you).
More to come...that is unless my access is revoked once again...and please, don't call it a comeback because I'm gonna knock you out [huuuhhh!!!].... More...
3 Things you did not know about Asians but thought you did
Monday, April 20, 2009
Date or Die: The Every Down Back
In football, there are usually two extremes for the running back position. On one side you have a power running back, sometimes referred to an every down back. This guy tends to be bigger than other running backs and basically always gets 3-4 yards. He wearing down his opponent and eventually being able to make a bigger play. On the other extreme, there are these “change of pace” backs, sometimes considered a scat back; he is usually quicker and smaller than the back on the other extreme. He can basically get by people with his speed and break bigger plays. Unfortunately, he tends to take less punishment. Teams occasionally try to have complimentary guys on their team to keep defenses guessing. The every down back might need a breather so the change of pace back comes in and blows by some tired defenders.
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I have always considered myself a power back, able to carry a big load, take the hits and keep coming, eventually wearing some poor woman down. In this analogy my left handed draper is essentially a good stiff arm.
Umm…We are in danger of over-extending this metaphor so I am just going to move on to my point. Sunday, I went on a 6 hour brunch date. This was not my plan so I was not ready. I did not even have my pads on (ok I’ll stop). Normally, brunch is easy. You sit down, you reference the NY Times, eat some eggs, discuss David Gregory vs. George Stephanopolus and you stick your tongue down her mouth. Easy peasy.
Not in this case, this girl makes everything hard. Our first date was like a month ago. We went for drinks at the Modern. She got loaded and I was in the middle of experimenting with sobriety so I got to watch. Which is fun, watching is fun, watching is so fun that I needed to go home and hide and sulk. Meanwhile, before I could regroup she ran off to LA for what was like 2 weeks. Conflicting schedules and a busy workload on both our parts left us trying to have brunch this past Sunday. Normally, I would categorize a second date brunch as a bad sign and usually not worth my time. Only problem is, we kept emailing while she was with her family in LA. Truth is, I went from thinking she was ok to ‘desperately wanting to hold her hand’. I put it in quotes because I actually told this to catjjy using these exact words without realizing it till after I said it.
So I was cautious but hopeful. I was reassured when she phoned me. She was pumped but lost. I gave her some directions. She laughed heartily. As soon as she met me she mentioned to me that she usually enjoyed going to a very specific bar on Sunday afternoons, she thought it would be fun if after brunch we walk from Chelsea to Tribeca and get a few drinks there. She chided me for doing work while I waited for her. Suddenly I was emboldened. Brunch was awesome.
During our walk, she goofed on me endlessly. I had met her at the birthday party for a 1 year old and I admitted that I was friends with the child’s mother from university. I also admitted always found her husband a bit awkward and rejected his overtures of friendship a few years earlier
“Another bromance done in by mild homophobia” she smirked for a solid two blocks. The cheery mood was broken the second I admitted that the west village was hard for me to navigate and I was no longer convinced we were moving south.
Our conversation had to this point been sort of perfect, rapid fire, casual, snappy. It was like something out of Gilmore Girls. We were two hours in, and though still going strong, I noticed I was low on material. Remember, it was supposed to be David Gregory to *ssplay in four easy steps. Unfortunately, the sun was still out (stupid brunch) and I just was not sure the kids playing in the park we cut through needed to see a poorly executed draper. Screw that, I’m an every down running back! I can make this happen.
Once we got to the bar, I was happy about it. The music was cool, and the DJ was fly. The windows were open. There was an off beat crowd, a few hipsters trying to hard, and a couple of brothers chilling in the corner. Just my scene…it reminded me of a post millennial BBQ in Brooklyn.
The better news was that she was actually a regular at this bar. The bartender was getting us drinks and very attentive even as models had to stand around waiting for someone to take their orders. She even knew a few other regulars, not well enough for them to matter but well enough to be part of a conversation. It came out that one was a hip hop photographer. I found myself in a rather involved conversation on mid 90s hip hop where we discussed the merits of the Luniz and took opposing positions on which was the better Pharcyde album (for the record I enjoyed Labcabincalifornia and our new friend took Bizarre ride to the…) . I was convinced this would impress anyone of color from LA. This also gave me what I needed most, more material as I tried to make it to the end.
By this point, I was full on drunk. While I was not paying attention some dude tried to make a play at my date. Who did this erkle looking motherf*cker think he was? Offended, I took the opportunity to dress him down. For those of you who don’t know, I grew up in the Black section of a predominately Hispanic community. I know how to make fun of people. Further, I know how to goad others into piling on. Before I knew it, there was 3-4 cats were hurling mocking comments at this dude. Hey, there’s my offensive line. It got so bad I bought him a drink. I am magnanimous in victory. I had officially run out of stuff to talk about, I knew when she brought up “The Real Housewives of New York City” Not knowing what to do I tracked down Erkle and encouraged him to go hit on a model across the way. A desperate move no doubt, but hilarious and worth an addition ten minutes of laughter, she had a surprising mean streak, awesome. Stil, this had turned from awesome chippy conversation bliss of earlier in the day to some bizarre multi-ethnic transgender Mean Girls. I needed to get out of here before things got worse.
I had planted a seed early that I needed to go home and do work. I even had a laptop with me. She agreed it was a good idea to part ways. She reassured me with a smile and promised a Thursday dinner. Progress, slow deliberate progress but progress. No touchdowns, just racking up a lot yards.
American Idol Bracket Clarification
We all knew the judges wouldn't have the grapes to use their one "save" in a late round. Last week they used it to save Matt "What Mole?" Giraud, so that he could go out tied for 6th place instead of alone in 7th. I think we all agree that this isn't a compelling addition to the show. Perhaps next season they will allow rejected contestants to arm wrestle Simon for survival.
We didn’t know exactly how this feature was going to work when we put out the brackets last month. Now that we do know, it is worth clarifying how scores will be tabulated. This week two contestants will be eliminated. For scoring purposes, both contestants will be given a 3 (even if the producers announce their relative rank). Next week’s reject will go out as number 5. There will not be a number 4.
Innocent Mistake of the Day
I'm working on a proposal today. We have a client whose target market are teenage boys and they are looking for a new way to understand them. 14 year old boys to be precise. I don't know a thing about kids this age. I don't know anyone who has one. I can't remember the last time I was around one. I'm even having a hard time picturing what they look like - are they young adults, or still just kids? Are these the kids I see skateboarding in the park or are those dudes really 17?
So I went to Google Images to search for "14 year old boys" to find out. Big mistake. I'm sure the FBI is on their way here now.
One of the little known perils of being a high-flying marketing executive is that you risk being confused as a child pornographer.
Agree With Glenn Beck!?!?
Evil
From this NYT article:
“Look, I’m a libertarian,” Mr. Beck said on his Feb. 26 program. “You want to legalize marijuana, you want to legalize drugs — that’s fine.”
Wow, I didn't know that.
Happy 4/20, y'all!
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Give That Man A Bonus!
Evil
Hands down the most elegant Chinese-to-English translation I have ever seen!
New Champion!
Evil
After a long, virtually unchallenged reign as Master Of The Single Entendre, Manolo has been knocked off his thrown! BIG NEWS. May I introduce your new champion... MSNBC's Davis Schuster.
All kidding aside, the above is shameful "journalism." Not even Xtian and I would stoop to such immature levels. OK, actually we would. But we don't have a show on a cable tv network.
Thanks to MG for submitting the video to us.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Culture Gap
Evil
One of my teachers is quite fashionable and elegant for a woman who's already 35, married, and has popped out two kids (twins). Sometimes she'll show up for class in simple, well-fitted suit and accessorize it nicely. Sometimes she'll show up in long flowing dresses, which I think were made for younger women but the dresses work on her.
Problem is, she wears her outfits two days in a row. Sometimes three!
This is not at all uncommon in these parts of the world. Fairly common, actually. It always reminds me of the first few years after my parents left the old country and came to America. I still remember the frequent scenes of my mom looking in the laundry basket and then stomping over to me to ask, "Hey, what's this doing in the laundry basket? You just wore it today! You can still wear it tomorrow!"
Side note: If you're bored and want to read about ungrateful Asian children making fun of their Fobby moms, go check out My Mom Is A Fob. For the record, I do not condone this site!
Friday, April 17, 2009
Weekend Quickies - Scenes From My Cameraphone Edition
Evil
Poor Batz Maru. Some bread shop at the local mall hijacked his image to help them sell bread. Look at poor Batz. He is not happy about it and I don't blame him.
Poor girl. I spotted her while walking to school. If you cant make out the text that's right above her anus (that's 肛门, if you're wondering how to write "anus" in Chinese) says "Do You Have Coins?" WHAT!? Did I disappoint by not rushing up to her and stuffing few RMB up her butt? I am so confused at what is allowable behavior and what is not. I wish I had Mamacita here to advise me.
一路順風
Kentak and I are shortly off to check up on Evil, and make sure he's really spending his time abroad efficiently. Woooooooooo!
We'll be rounding up the Date or Die (Shanghai edition) posts that have been lacking.
Stay tuned!
Happy Friday!
Literally, please have a happy friday. All this talk of traumatized children, teabagging, marital strife, and intra-hoser fighting is bring me down. So I am going to switch it with a totally happy photo.
Let's agree to roll like my niece for the rest of the week. Here's how you get in this good a mood...
Step 1 - Put on a flowery Easter dress
Step 2 - Kick a dog
Step 3 - Charm and disarm - Give everyone a playful look like you are totally innocent
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Lookey-Likey: Sports + Hollywood Affair
Looking at that beefy picture of Jason Giambi earlier today reminded me of someone. Not sure everyone will agree - it might just be that they both float through this world with a constant look of amazement and despair. Or it might just be their faces. I present, Jason Giambi and the douchey kid from the Sopranos, Robert Iler.
Thursday Quickies
1) I haven't been to the gym this week and I feel like poop. I usually roll my eyes at people who say how great going to the gym makes them feel. Usually.
2) KillerB2 and I are going to NC this weekend. Going to have lunch with my step-grandmother tomorrow in Raleigh, then on to Charlotte to visit friends for the weekend. My step-grandmother is 92. She still gets around well, is out of the house everyday etc. Hope some of that rubs off on KillerB2 and I.
3) KillerB2 has a broken Tivo she refuses to get rid of or replace. It is worse than having no Tivo at all because it freezes on pause so you can't even watch live television if you want. It's causing friction in our marriage.
4) Spring is here! I've been walking to and from work across the Brooklyn Bridge. 3.2 miles and 57 minutes each way. I need a new Spring walking playlist post haste.
Greatness
Evil
Is Catjjy also an editor for Yahoo Sports? Because look what I just saw on its front page. This is the pitcher that Catjjy was talking about.
Animal Patriots
Evil
Whoa! Even animals are so upset at US Tax Policy that they're getting into the teabagging action. Go animals!
More teabagging
I live in the Bay Area, where any tax is a good and justifiable tax. But today I took a business trip to the Inland Empire – California’s GOP country. Hosers occasionally call me a rich guy. I’m not there yet, but I have nothing to complain about (though I would trade it all for a little more). Today I was cruising around with my boss who really is a rich guy, and a guy whose company we bought for nine figures. He’s a really, really rich guy. We drove by all these crazy MF’s protesting the tax system.
More...
Don’t get me wrong - we were all very touched that these working stiffs would cash in their precious vacation days to protest President Obama’s tax policy, which would raise taxes very slightly for the guys in my car, and lower them for all the sign wavers. That shows a real commitment to their countryman. Still, I’m not sure I understand their position. Are all these people really out here protesting a 3% increase in the marginal tax rate for people making over $250,000? Who would possibly be sympathetic to that position, except plutocrats?
The only other explanation is that these people cheered while their party dramatically decreased government revenue and increased government spending during an economic expansion, but are now taking to the streets because the other party is also increasing spending, this time to stave off the next great depression. That makes even less sense.
This is going to be a bizarre couple of years, GOP-wise. I predict they will put forth a real crazy dude in 2006.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Write Your Own Caption: Teabagging Edition
This was taken at a Santa Barbara Tea Party.
WTF?
Also, what are you doing later? Call me.
Bachelorette Night
Sparks is again on the road, so I am a bachelorette tonight. I just put down the Cha and am settling for a night of Idol, but while I wait around to see if the Cha will go to sleep or talk a bit or decide he needs another stuffed animal/new diaper/one more hug, I turned on the TV and there's a Giants v. Dodgers game on. The announcer says a kid named Clayton Kershaw is the starting pitcher. This kid graduated from the high school at which I taught in Texas. From the same class, another kid named Matthew Stafford became the starting quarterback at the University of Georgia.
Several pre-cocktail thoughts:
1. This is not normal for there to be two very good athletes in the same graduating class, right? I know there are athletic feeders and academies, but this is just a public school.
2. No one gave a hoo-ha about this baseball kid, but boy, did that qb walk on water. Still seems to me that being a 21 year old starting pitcher for the Dodgers is more notable than being a college quarterback.
3. I am trying to recall someone from my graduating class who went on to any kind of public life. Cannot. Can you?
More...
Okay, cocktail time. The Cha wanted Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. See you tomorrow, Sparks!
Teabagging in the Free World
Political protests are fun. People are all worked up, there are usually hot chicks floating around. It can be a good scene. There's a dark side though. People who are out there earnestly are usually pretty nuts. I remember 2003 when the Iraq War was hot, I attended a protest in downtown San Francisco to soak in the scene. Ostensibly, everyone was there to talk Iraq. As I looked around, I noticed that people were out there representing a variety of interests and agendas, shouting things about gay marriage a ban on nuclear stuff etc.
There's More...
So basically you have no control over what's going on out there. I get that. Still it's a little dangerous. Sure you might be out there because you are some intense deficit hawk. Hey, if that's what you care about, great. Who am I to judge? 
But you run the risk of standing next to some libertard nutjob who wants more automatic weapons and no taxes. I mean what if you end standing next to a dude holding a sign that says "End the Fed", like I saw on MSNBC today. Who wants to end the fed? What are you talking about? How would our banking system (such as it is) work without that?
Worse yet, what if you end up standing next to this dude. Not only is he crazy, he's mixing metaphors worse than Manolo on a whiskey bender. What do the Wayans Brothers have to do with anything?
I also think this might lack the purity of other protests. I am not entirely sure how credible this "movement" is. Fox News have been undermining the event by becoming part of the story. .There's a lot of debate about how "grassroots' these things are and the connection between these events and the Boston Tea Party are tenuous at best. Of course, that has not stopped d*uche bag politicians (sup Rick Perry) from stepping in and pandering to anyone who will listen. Of course, idiots that they are, CNN undermined their credibility by just showing up and picking a fight.
You gotta love that Anderson Cooper though. As a master of giving and receiving teabags, he just can't get enough of this joke. I'll be honest. Neither can I!
Sometimes I Feel Like This Guy
Evil
Today's installment of Sometimes I Feel Like This Guy is being sourced from ESPN...
Jason Giambi pulled himself out of a game Saturday night. Why? Because of exhaustion. Why was he exhausted? Because he ran out a single and had to sprint after a foul ball. (Yes. Both of them! During the same game! The humanity!)
"This is way too much running for me," Giambi said. "This is a little out of control for me. This is way too much running this early in the year."
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
American Idol Rewind
I touched on the issue last week - but I really think 1 hour doesn't do these contestants justice. At this point in the competition we really need to hear full songs - all verses. We also need to hear the contestants defend themselves, explain their decisions, show some aspect of what they will be like as a celebrity, because that is what they are competing for. Instead we get a bunched of rush judging, almost no discussion with the contestants, and they still didn't make it under 1 hour (my DVR cut off before they announced Lil's phone number). It's not like this is a struggling show. I'm not a telvision producer type business guy, but I do know if you can take a top rated show from 60 minutes to 90 minutes, it makes sense. My $.02. More after the jump.
More...Allison – Glad the producers cut the casting couch portion with Quentin. Girl can really belt out a tune (even if the audio seemed a little whack – was I the only one to notice this?) I agree with Simon that she is the only female hope, but what a did dick thing to say before Lil has even taken the stage tonight.
Anoop – well, he’s wearing a sleeveless sport coat, so obviously I’m not listening to a thing he’s singing. And a Burberry shirt? WTF Anoop? Ah SNAP! He did the point in the camera trick on the last note with a tight shot and sang “I do it for youououou (voice quivering)” This kid is going for the hearts!!!! America –lookout! Someone call the medical school and let them know they might have a spot open next year. Anoop has star quality
Adam – Born to Be Wild. This was a little corny. His vocals are still otherworldly, but all the prancing and headbanging were pretty lame. Paula creamed her pants though, and since I believe the rest of America is about as batshit crazy as Paula (see: Glen Beck ratings), that bodes well for him.
Matt My Bags Are Packed Girrard - I don’t like it when a guy asks me 35 times whether I’ve ever loved a women. I have. OK. You want proof? You want me to send a photo? I’ve got some? Huh Matt? You want to see that? I bet you would like that eh? Pervert.
Danny – I can’t remember the last time I was this bored. The DMV maybe? The third time I watched That Darn Cat? That Spring Break I spent in my apartment seeing how high I could count (got to 32,689 before I quit).
Kris – Did he and Danny have side bet for who could sing their song the slowest? I call a draw. Also, is he married? I just noticed a wedding ring. He might want to take that off if he’s vying for the college freshman vote. I take mine off just to go to the deli for a sandwich.
Lil Rounds – Well, she took Catjjy’s advice and got herself some extensions. Looking good. Now if she could just get an apple bottom. Joking! I think she lives to see another well deserved day. I especially like the fact that after the song they showed “Lil’s cousins”.
Lil Rounds Hair Timeline
Let's start the week off with some easy reading. Here's a visual timeline of Lil's hair. Has the hair and makeup team on Idol contributed to her growing loss of self? Will Simon berate her for style choices that are certainly attributable to other people? Will she wear a prom dress again? Tune in tonight to see the next iteration of Lil.
Lil auditions with a very sassy look.
The asymmetrical waterfall down one side of the head, the caramel highlights very reminiscent of everyone's favorite hip hop trio, Salt-n-Pepa.
More...
Then the sassy waterfall is gone...
...replaced with a fadeless fade.
And now the worst. 
Prince Valiant.
Adam Lambert Young Elvis Presley - Looky Likey
Evil
Adam Lambert totally looks like a Young Elvis Presley. I can't believe no other Hosers have posted this one yet.
Civics Question
Evil
Since I am an Asian male, all my parents wanted during my schooling years was for me be good at math and science. Check. And Check. But as a consequence, I never really learned much about other things, like American Government. So I am hoping the Hoser community can answer a question for me...
Several months ago, after the Ted Stevens corruption charges came down, there was a rumor that Alaska Governor Sarah Palin would appoint herself to the Senate seat that Stevens would be evacuating.
I just heard in the news today that Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal is contemplating stepping down from his post and running for the Louisiana Senate seat.
Which raises the question: Is a US Senate seat more valuable than being a Governor of a US State?
I always thought that being Governor is more valuable. There are only 50 Governors, but there are 100 Senators. Also, Governorship is the more typical stepping stone to the Presidency. So the above two data points confused me. Can someone help clear up?
Monday, April 13, 2009
Adam Lambert Lookey-Likey
This guy is like a chameleon - he probably has 10 legitimate lookey likeys depending on the look. But some times I look at him and just think Liza Minelli.
Stuff I Think Up When I Spend Too Much Time Alone
I have taken to reading NY Magazine online lately. Today I read about the return of the "Down-Market Sitcom", where we can all rediscover the hilarity of an Archie Bunker type standing on an unemployment line and meeting a down on his luck banker (I actually remember this episode).
One of the new shows around this seems to star Michael Strahan of all people "as a former NFL pro who returns home to help his wheelchair-bound sibling". This gives me pause. I few years ago I floated a 1 page outline around for a potential high end cable TV series. The concept was simple and inspired by a Chris Rock stand up routine that end with the point that a guy's whole job as a dad was to keep his daughter "off the pole". I thought there was a lot to that idea and outlined something about a fairly middle class guy who gets in a car accident and gets into a coma. He wakes up 15 years later and his wife has moved on and remarried and had a perfectly nice life. While he was away his now 20 year old daughter had a daughter of her own and became a mid level stripper somewhere in a somewhat emotionally taxing relationship with a deadbeat. The first season would be about him figuring out where he fit in, rehabbing physically (he was in a wheel chair due to his muscles atrophying) and ultimately settling with his daughter who could use help of the form he could not provide. It would of course be a light comedy. No one liked it, calling it too depressing...
I’m pumped, my time might be now.
American Idol Quickies
Evil
- The New York Times ran a pretty retarded article discussing Adam Lambert's supposed gayness. Is this really a topic that needs to be written about in the NYT? I think the NYT has gotten pretty silly in recent years. I see tons of retarded articles in it in a regular basis.
- The article includes the pic above, but amazingly does not discuss why Danny Gokey is looking so clueless. Dude, what is he doing? Now if the blind guy got all out of sync with dance moves, I would understand. But whatup with Danny?
- My Idol prediction for this week... Bottom 3 will be: Lil Rounds, Anoop Dawg, and Pianoman Matt Giraud. Hitting the road will be Lil Rounds. (Leaving the 16 year old redheaded girl to fend for herself against the guys.)
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Hong Kong Quickies
Evil
- That's a pic of me chillin' out at a fancy rooftop lounge, enjoying the 70 degree weather, enjoying a pitcher of sangria, and enjoying the view of the Hong Kong skyline. Suck it, all you employed people! Who needs a job? (Oh, I do.)
- I flew in to Shenzhen, China and took a bus across the border to Hong Kong. The bus dropped me off at what appeared to be the strip club and hookers section of HK. Score! My first impression of HK? "Very Niiiiiiice!" (Say it like Borat says it.)
- I was totally freaked out by how many white people there are in Hong Kong. After being in Shanghai for 2+ months, I'm just not used to being around so many whites. I dread to think what's going to happen when I'm back in NYC. It'll be pretty traumatic.
Private Lesson for Xtian. Funding Needed
Hosers! We only have 4 days left to get our $$$ together and make a bid for this most fortuitous auction currently up on eBay - lunch with Draper. As we all know, Xtian needs to work on his game a little bit - and who better to learn from than the man he idolizes, Don Draper. Send an email to xtian+draper=surething@gmail.com letting me know how much you are willing to contribute and I'll put a bid in on behalf of the Hose.
Three Minute Post
Evil
At the Shenzhen Airport, about to get on the plane for Shanghai. Had a great couple of days in Hong Kong hanging out with Snaggles and one of her friends, a cool chick who works for the US Navy and currently stationed in HK. Thursday night as I previously mentioned, we played pool, drank, danced, and drank til 4am. Friday we strolled around Hong Kong Park and other parts of the island. For Saturday, Snaggles suggested we go to Macau. For some reason, she thought Macau was just another neighborhood in HK and not another terroritory altogether. HAH! Once she realized that, we decided to bag the idea since dealing w/ passports, immigrations, currency exchanges, etc makes it too cumbersome for a day trip. Instead, we ferried it to Kowloon and hung out at the markets and also visited a nunnery with a great garden. Very zen. I feel at peace. We also had a proper English afternoon tea at one of the fancy hotels. A string quartet played as we ate little sandwiches and sipped tea. Sunday morning I went to Easter service with the Navy friend, which I quite enjoyed. She is a cool chick and is very curvy for a short/small Chinese girl. Then we all met up for brunch. And that was it. Time for me to go. And now it's time for me to stop typing. Getting on the plane!
Friday, April 10, 2009
Scenes From A Hong Kong Pool Hall
Evil
Since Snaggles is in Asia on holiday, we decided to meet up for the long weekend in Hong Kong. Thursday night I fly down to Hong Kong and give Snaggles a call to see where she's at. She says he's at a pool hall with some friends and gives me the address. I taxi it over there to meet up with her.
(No pics of Snaggles or me below, per Hose regulations re: privacy. Only pics of strangers.)
This girl was two tables away from us. Apparently, HK chicks get really dolled up to go shoot pool. And I, for one, was glad. BTW- notice her shoes. I bet she has nice feet. Xtian would like this girl.
Including a second photo of this girl. I think this is a more artistic photo, but too bad it does not include her feet. Boo!
This girl was a really good pool player. She noticed me taking pics of her and gave me the stink eye, so I stopped. When she's bending down to take a shot, people can totally see down her shirt. Maybe that's why she was upset at me for taking pics?
WOW. This girl was surrounded by white frat guys, totally ruining the scene.
We played pool till around 12:30am, then went off to a bar/club with a live band that played awesome/cheesy tunes and we boogied til around 4:30am. More on that in a later post...
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