I missed this show

Christopher: "Allegra?" Ain't that a cold medicine?
Paulie: It means "happiness" in Italian.
Christopher: (pauses) What the fuck's that got to do with cold medicine?

Separated At Birth?

Shout Out 2

Evil

Yesterday, my shakey little friend Bruno turned 2 years old. Happy Birthday! Hope you didn't drink too much, kiddo.

Shout Out

Evil



I've been running a stats tracker on The Hose for the last 5 days and I think I'm addicted to checking stats. Anyway, I just wanted to give a shout out to Evil Twins for being the number 1 referrer of traffic to The Hose (if you don't count people who type in our URL directly and the traffic that comes from random Google searches). Thanks, ET#1 and ET#2.

This is also where I discard all dignity and begs for some links. The Hose only has PageRank of 3. :( Some love, people... some love?

Hips Don't Lie

I have been driving thru central jersey the last few days for work. I like these hour long drives because I get to listen to crappy radio stations. At home, one can't rationalize listening to crappy radio any more. It just doesn't happen. So radio stations have customized themselves to deal with commuters who are in the car a litle under 30 minutes at a pop and need their. It's why radio stations like z100 have 4 songs on their play list.

But I don't spend any time listening to that, I'm not schizo enough to process listening to Kelly Clarkson, 3-6 Mafia and Shakira in a row. It's just too much...even though I love "poppin my collar" while driving.

What I do love is listening to two completely different radio stations

Jack FM

While listening to Jack (a bunch of Journey, Billy Joel, Meatloaf, and like Mettalica back to back to). I get happy. I don't know why "Don't stop believin" makes me happy but it does. It makes me want to not stop believing. I roll up the windows (so no one can hear) and sing "Paradise by a dashboard light" (male and female parts in the same falsetto) (WOOOOOOOO!)

After watching the first couple of episodes of the Sopranos (especially where he was in the coma and Carmela was playing CDs for him) I feel like Jack FM was designed for anybody who ever rode around in a car thru NJ in 1982. Anybody who does not know the words to "Rosalita" just might not get it.

102.7 Classic Dance Mix

I imagine that whatever is going on at the RawHide Saloon (17th and 8th), its being done with this station playing over the loud speaker. I'm a total queer for music by le Chiq and other late seventies Disco. Barry White was almost ruined for me by that stupid show with the skinny soundtrack but almost is not actually. So yesterday I was threw my voice in a baritone (which sounds remarkably close to my falsetto) and sang along to that too..

Damn i love driving!

Btw, I can't get "Hips Don't Lie" out of head. Also I want to bang Shakira (still).
Checkout this video. Not the fans only version the other one

Insensitive

KenTak3, are you going to take this??!!

=====
Roger Clemens was discussing his future Tuesday at the Astros season opener when he responded to a question about his health after the World Baseball Classic with a comment that some might consider racially insensitive.

Clemens, who broke down late last season with injuries, said he felt fine after the WBC and left the tournament impressed by the quality of the international teams.

But he made a questionable comment when speaking about the devotion of the Japanese and South Korean fans.

"None of the dry cleaners were open, they were all at the game, Japan and Korea," Clemens said. "So we couldn't get any dry cleaning done out there, but I guess the neatest thing is that 50,000 of them were at Anaheim Stadium."
=====

BOOZE

A friend of mine is doing something rather impressive. Most dullards start some sort of new media play around social networks or suping search *yawn* Its all very obvious I think.

My boy, David, though has decided to start a liquor company!

www.curiousformore.com

There is a launch party coming up...more info to follow!

Grown Men Will Hug!

On the southeast corner of 27th and 7th, facing north, there is a billboard on top of a building saying "Grown Men Will Hug" and encouraging people to buy tickets to to a NY Mets game.

Is anyone else wondering what about the NY Mets will make grown men hug? Is it the disappointment we will deal with when they eventually disappoint?

"You're Screwed, Dude"

Evil

(This is real-time blogging from the tax preparer's office, baby.)

I get my taxes done by this guy named Steve. This guy is good. He's so good that he only refers to himself in the third person. Actually, what he does is use a third person nickname. So if I'm like, "Hey Steve, how are you?" He'll be like, "The Guru is doing fine, thank you." And if I'm like, "Hey Steve, you look like you lost weight," he'll be like, "Yes, The Guru's doctor told him to lose some weight, or else!"

So anyway, this operation isn't just one-man show. During tax season, they have an entire staff, so the first person I saw today was some woman, who was supposed to "prep" my taxes. To call her a woman is pretty generous because I am pretty sure that she's part ogre, probably on her dad's side. She has fists the size of boulders and I'm sure if she rapped her knuckles upon my skull, my head would surely cave in. She also has this huge, mother-f'ing sore on the side of her lip. Very sexy. She also speaks with a lazy slur.

At one point, she's (literally) punching in the number from my W2 and various other documents and then she pauses and says, "You're screwed, dude."

Spring is in the HAir

Last night, I got the best haircut of my life. I went to this Japanese salon recommended by my co-worker. When you get in there, everyone bows to you and a little man gives you a head massage. Then he bangs on your neck for 10 minutes while your hair air-dries (it's all included in the price). A hipster little supermodely girl (who weighs under a buck) emerges and snip, snip, snip, my head feels 10 pounds lighter. I am pretty sure she cuts each strand of hair individually, but at lightening speed. Soon enough, I'm paying the bill and I get a discount since my friend sent me there.

Who wants to go next? You'll get 10% off too. I'm going to take my dog there. It's been a while and I think he might need it.

Do You Ever Get This Feeling...

Evil

Do you ever wake up and get this feeling like you're falling behind in life? Like you've always considered yourself "doing well," but all of a sudden, that's not true at all and you're moving backwards in life or something. I felt like that for a little bit this morning. But maybe it's just the case that my friends are moving ahead in life, which is good news, not bad.

Congrats to my friend Mike, who now has baby girl #2. She's a cutie (based on photos posted on her blog) and I also heard, very well behaved! Aside from having very femine sperm, I think my friend Mike is a lucky guy.

Kids Are So Smart These Days

Evil

One of my co-workers thought it would be fun to bring kids from his son's school into the office so they could learn more about the company and our products. About 20 kids visited in all, ranging from kindergarten to 4th grade. I helped out during the visit by leading a little product brainstorming session. They assigned me the youngest group of kids, which were K, 1st, and 2nd graders. Those kids were so cute. And smart! Kids are too smart these days. I was surprised that kids so young are even on computers to begin with... not only that, they had some pretty intersting feedback on how we could improve our products. Crazy.

In a bad mood

Domo-kun (?????) is the mascot of Japan's NHK television station, appearing in several short stop-motion sketches. Domo-kun, a strange monster-like creature born from an egg, is short, fuzzy and brown with beady black eyes and an open mouth revealing pointy teeth. He lives in an underground cave with Usajii, a wise old rabbit, who loves to watch TV and drink astringent tea (in Japanese, "Usagi" = rabbit and "Oyaji" = older man). The name "Domo" was acquired during the second episode of his show in which a TV announcer said, "Domo Konnichiwa" (roughly translated to English as "Thanks, hello"). Domo's favorite food is seasoned beef with potatoes and he has a strong dislike for apples (an unexplained mystery in his DNA). Domo is known to pass gas repeatedly when nervous or in a bad mood.

Is It Something In The Air?

Evil

I don't know whether it's the warmer weather coming around or what, but I've been in a good mood lately.

Nephew and Niece

Evil



This is my nephew, Jason, and my niece, Julia. They're "playing" in a basket. That's so old school!!! If we were still in the old country, that would be understandable. Half the pics of me from that age show me sitting in a basket or little plastic tub of some sort. Jason and Julia's mom is keepin' it real.

Feeling Bad, But Feeling Good

Evil

Ran 6 miles today... pretty good result, seeing as I knew my legs were feeling tired within the first quarter mile. Running out doors, which I did today, makes a big difference. As the weather gets better, so too does the people watching!

Bad Dream

Evil

I had another bad dream last night. I can't remember how this dream started, so it basically picks up like this...

My brother and I suddenly realize that the door to our apartment was left unlocked. (In the dream, I guess we were living in the same place.) We both start to panic and I'm yelling, "Why did you leave it unlocked?! Why did you leave it unlocked?!" We both race to the door and try to lock it, put the door chain on, the whole bit.

Just as we get to the door and are pushing it shut, someone is trying to barge in. I lean my back against the door as hard as I can and am trying to push it shut. I feel a fist pounding on the door. It feels like the door is rubber because I can feel the fist on my back. I feel the door is going to break. I tell my brother to go get a knife from the kitchen.

The door indeed breaks... the fist comes busting through. I duck at just the right moment and I have the knife in hand now, so my intention is to slit the wrist of this arm that's coming through the door.

The next thing I realize... I'm slitting someone's wrist, but it's not a stranger's. It's my brother's wrist. He's yelling in pain. I recognize it's him. I notice that his blood is a watery pink. Not deep red as I expected. I also notice that he's not bleeding as fast as I expected, seeing as I just gave him a deep slit on the wrist. So then I slit him again, just to make sure.

And that's all I remember before I woke up.

Good News

Evil

My sister just sent new pics of her daughter (my niece). I'm quite relieved to see that my niece no longer looks like a raisin. Thank goodness! Although.. I will say that my niece is so chubby that she has bends where there aren't any joints. For example, on her arms, there are bends where the elbow should be and where the wrist should be. But in between, there is also ANOTHER bend. There's no joint there!?

Ungentlemanly Behavior?

Evil

At the gym where I work out, there's this really cute Chinese girl. I see her all the time but we both work out with ipods, so it's one of those things where you can't really strike up a conversation, right?

I left the gym yesterday at just after 8pm. Steps outside the gym, there's a guy who sells fruits on one of those street stands. I go buy some bananas. I basically buy every single ripe banana that he has at the moment, which is 3 bags. It was about 15 or 20 bananas. Just as I'm paying, the really cute Chinese girl from the gym walks out and heads toward me. She smiles. I smile. She walks up to the fruit stand and looks for some bananas. What she finds is a whole bunch unripe bananas, which look greener than Shrek. She makes this face that's a cross between pouty and angry. Then she notices that I'm holding a giant bag full of ripe bananas. At this moment, I feel like a real tool. And then I take off!

For The Record

Evil

I was watching the local news today and heard some very sad news involving 2 students from my high school, Stuyvesant. According to the news reports, the kids were killed while traveling to a swim competition in upstate New York. The news reporter also mentioned that even though the competition organizers received word of the deaths, they decided to go on with the meet anyway because that's what the two dead kids would have wanted.

Let me just say -- for the record -- if I should die in a tragic accident, whatever I was scheduled to do the next day... please f'ing cancel it, OK? I mean, geez. Would it inconvenience you too much to mourn my death for a day? Just a day. That's all I ask. If I was due to host a dinner party, but died, please do NOT come over anyway and cook my food and have a merry old time. I would not have wanted the dinner party to go on. If I was due to go get my back waxed with XTIAN and Manolo, but died, please CANCEL the freakin' appointments. I'm sure they won't charge you, even for a late cancellation, if you just tell them that someone DIED.

Thanks, people.

Money Found

Evil

I have this jacket that I don't wear very much. But I wore it today and I just found a 20 dollar bill in the left outside pocket. The bill was folded once along the long edge and then another time along the short edge. It was done very neatly and the bill was crisp to start with. How did this money get into my pocket? I need to get to the bottom of this.

Deal or No Deal

Evil

I've decided to make a pact with the Big Guy in Heaven. Here's the deal: if He shall bless me with a son -- to be conceived no later than the end of this weekend -- then I will name the kid Benedict.

Hitler Moustache

Evil

Today I saw a guy wearing a Hitler moustache and he wore it with irreverence. As if to say, "Hell yeah I know I'm wearing a Hitler moustache. And I fuckin' love it."

Bad Dream

Evil

I had a bad dream last night. I dreampt I was sleeping and my phone rings. It was 3am and I was really annoyed that someone was calling me. I ignored the ring but the person calls back. I pick up and it was my mom. I was doubly annoyed. The reception was bad but I hear my mom saying something to the effect of "Your dad just died." The call drops off. I try to call my mom back but can't connect. I start crying. I finally reach my mom. She says, "No, I said your dad's flight just took off." (This is all in Chinese.) I was like, Oh. Now I'm really annoyed and I ask my mom why she's calling me at 3am. And she was like, Just because.

Why Can't I Be Autistic?

Evil

OK, this autistic kid is getting waaay more props than he deserves. He has a mental disorder... he shot a few baskets. BIG F'ING DEAL!!! Let's see him solve a differential equation or something. Not even a partial differential or even a multivariate one. Just an ordinary differential equation. F'ing little punk. I'm glad Prez B. kept it real by calling this kid what he is: "a special person."

Honest Mistake

Evil

At night, I take 4 pills: 3 vitamins and 1 Ambien. Last night, I mistakenly took 1 vitamin and 3 Ambiens. Hilarity ensues. (If, by "hilarity" you mean "a near coma.")

Futility

I work at a company where there are plenty of employee perks. One of them is that you can get your VO2 Max tested for free.

I had my VO2 Max tested today. Let's just say that my results are SUPER, for someone who is female and in the 75 to 85 age range. Not very good for someone who is male and in the 25 to 35 age range. :(

Sad But True

Evil

Yo, I'm at the airport now... Going out to sf. Anyway, I had just passed thru security before and immediately started fussing with both my cell phone and blackberry because you know, I am a very important "high tech professional." Just as I was about to make a phone call, one of the airport people hail me and she goes, "hey, do you speak her language?" And she points over to this little old chinese woman. I go over to her and interpret a little. Turns out, they just wanted to see her boarding pass and luckily, I know enough chinese to say, "airplane ticket." So anyway, they have this wheelchair out for her and she starts telling me how she's flying out to LA because her son lives there and is taking her to see some sort of medical specialist. She said that she went to see a doctor in chinatown about her bad leg and they told her it would probably need to be amputated above the thigh. But she's going out to LA for a specialist and a second opinion. She seemed like a nice old lady. Isn't that sad? Maybe I am just getting old and gushy.

Should I Be Worried?

Evil

My niece is now 3 months old, but she still looks like a little raisin. I don't have kids of my own, so I'm curious how long it takes for babies to stop looking like raisins. My guess is that it shouldn't take 3 or more months. Well, on the bright side, my niece does look younger than her actual age. She doesn't look a day over... err, 2 days old. It might not be a big deal now, but she'll probably appreciate that fact a little later on in life.

There's a Hole In My Heart

Evil

Literally. There is. I have a cardiac birth defect. I might die before I reach my 30th birthday. Oh, speaking of which, it's coming up! Please buy me something from my Amazon Wish List. Don't get left at the dock when the karma ship sets sail! Remember, I might die!

Manolo Manscapes Himself (Part Deux)

It has been almost 2 years and I never received a response to the following post.

After getting no direction from our beloved Hose readers whatsoever, and not caring if it was gay or not, I have been doing a little bit of manscaping™ here and there. You know, when it gets a little bit unruly I take some scissors and snip away.

Anyways, my little sister came over one time and left a bottle of Nair in my house. I already knew the little bottle’s magical possibilities given the fact that my old roommate Ric the Slic with his Chewbacca-type chest hair used it all the time. Nevertheless, I had never used it myself and it was time for a little haircut.

I proceeded to read the instructions and right on top, it tells you to “Please read the WARNING section before use.” So I did...

It states:

IRRITATION OR ALLERGIC REATION MAY OCCUR WITH SOME PEOPLE, EVEN AFTER PRIOR USE WITHOUT ADVERSE EFFECT. THEREFORE, TEST BEFORE EACH USE BY APPLYING PRODUCT TO A SMALL PART OF THE AREA WHERE HAIR IS TO BE REMOVED. FOLLOW DIRECTIONS AND WAIT 24 HOURS. IF SKIN APPEARS NORMAL, PROCEED WITH FULL APPLICATION. DO NOT USE ON IRRITATED, SUNBURNED, INFLAMED, OR BROKEN SKIN. KEEP AWAY FROM EYES. SHOULD PRODUCT TOUCH THE EYES, WASH THOROGHLY WITH LUKEWARM WATER. IF IRRITATION OCCURS, CONSULT YOUR PHYSICIAN. DO NOT USE ON FACE, AROUND EYES, IN NOSE, EARS, OR ON BREAST NIPPLES, PERIANAL, OR VAGINAL/GENITAL AREAS.

KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN.

I conveniently placed in bold red letters the sections where I went wrong…

I don’t care much for legalese so without finishing the rest of the warning, I applied a little bit of product (about the size of a dime) on my balls and I sat down to watch TV while the 5-10 minutes of application time passed. When I jumped in the shower to remove the lotion and rinse my skin, it seems that the sitting down in the couch and walking from the couch to the bathroom had spread the lotion over half my balls and therefore spreading the aforementioned test area.

I came out of the shower and it seemed just a little bit irritated. By the end of the night though, it was so RED, it looked like a baboon’s ass.



So now, I am walking around with half my balls as smooth as silk looking like the number 3 on a pool table and the other half...well, you know!

I will let the irritation/allergic reaction go away before I do the other half...

Write Your Own Caption

Evil

Write your own caption

A vegas Story

So this 21 year old was telling me about why she moved to Vegas. About how she was living in Sac for years, about how she was in love, about how her boyfriend was on her payroll to body guard her when she went to do incalls throughout northern california. She told me a story about Vacaville...She banged on about Sac. She did this wierd vibrating/gurggling thing with her throat against my croach.

Buck thought it was the best lapdance ever.

I think I almost cried. She was talking about falling in love with a boy who was a bouncer at a strip club she worked at and then became her personal bodyguard and then just drifted into how he's now an addict and how she ran to vegas and is now living with a dude who runs the biggest escort agency in Vegas but is not working for him.

it would have been a great dance if she just shut the hell up.

hmm

i'm drunk...i'm in vegas...i smell like stripper

can't sleep

evil

i took an ambien... but still can't sleep. :(

Super Bowl

Evil

Hey y'all... I have nothing racist, sexist, or downright ignorant to say today. So I will just post a shout out and thanks to Mamacita, Bruno, and KenTak3 for hosting a Super Bowl party yesterday! It was a most excellent party. Even more so because I didn't get pee'd on by Bruno.

Douchebaggery

HAHAHAHAHAH...THOSE GUYS....HAHAHA

Gluttony

Evil

I bought a bag of tangerines today. I've already eaten 6 of them. I might finish the other 6 before the day is through!

Weird Apartment Cleaner

Evil

The apartment cleaner sent over by the cleaning company is a weird chick. In the last 3 hours, she's sat down to take two food breaks. The first time, she was eating a yogurt. And now she's chomping on an apple. Why does it take 3 hours to clean a 1 bedroom apartment anyway? Maybe she has low blood sugar. Or maybe she's just weird.

Rip Me Off Before You Go-Go

Evil

I can't watch even a few minutes of TV without bumping into 18 or so commercials for "Skating With Celebrities." While it's pretty insulting that they're trying to pass off Todd Bridges and Bruce Jenner as "celebrities," I'm most offending by the rip-off nature of the concept itself. I mean, how hard was it to come up with "Skating With Celebrities" after watching "Dancing With The Stars"? If there's one thing I can't stand -- and would NEVER do -- it's stealing other people's ideas.

Have I mentioned that I have a few TV shows in development? I've been a pretty busy guy lately. All these shows are in various stages development -- you know, contact negotiations with the talent, sponsorship negotiations with advertisers, distribution and syndication details to iron out... oh wait, you DON'T know. Because you don't have any shows in development. Losers! Maybe you can just live vicariously through me and all the balls I have in the air right now. (Or you can live vicariously though Manolo and have balls in your mouth.)

Anyway, here's a sneak preview of my TV shows, which should be hitting the airwaves next season:

Dancing With Celebrity Impersonators
Do the cha-cha with Young Elvis! Do the tango with Old Fat Elvis! Do the Charleston with Drag Queen Madonna! Each week, viewers will vote for their favorite dance couple via a toll-free phone line and text messaging. At the end of the season, the last remaining dance couple will be crowned campions and win $20 (in cash!).

Celebrating With Retards
If you're touched and motivated by shows like "The Biggest Loser," you're going to love "Celebrating With Retards." This show documents the lives of 6 very special retards. Follow their lives as they celebrate extraordinary accomplishments ("yay!"), such as eating apple sauce with minimal drooling ("yay!"), going to the bathroom ("yay!"), successfully stepping onto the curb without falling ("yay!"), and being a financial, emotional, and physical drain on their families ("yay!").

Krumping With Osama
Clown make-up, break dancing, and Osama bin Laden. I'm smelling an Emmy, bitches!

Beatifying With Benedict
Each week, three contestants will compete in dare-devil stunts -- such as tightrope walking between two tall buildings, driving a car into a canyon, and eating cow testicles -- to win an audience with the Pope. At the end of each show, the winning contestant gets blessed by Benedict.

Dry Humping With Mormons
OK, I'll admit... I don't really have an angle for this one yet. It might have something to do with jacking off on a Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints pamplet, but I'm not sure.

Begging With Hurricane Victims
Watch and laugh as our cameras track out-of-work, smelly, homeless Katrina victims as they beg for quarters (and dignity) on the streets of San Antonio.

Breaking The News With Gay Teens
This show is essentially the same every f'ing week, but I guarantee you, it'll never get old! Watch along as a homo teenager breaks the news to mom and dad that he's gay. Mom will weep. Dad will turn beet red, forget to breathe for 6 or 7 minutes, then punch Mom in the face, and then storm off to the garage workshop to cool down.

Guess Who's The Clown? (Double Dose!)

Evil

If you correctly guess the identities of Clown #1 and Clown #2, you win a special prize!

=====
Clown #1: did you hear about kobe's 81 point game?
Clown #1: he was getting great penetration all night
Clown #1: no one could stop him from going to the hole
Clown #1: there was no defense against kobe's aggression

Clown #2: was the penetration against the denver nuggets?
Clown #2: because he always does good work in colorado

Clown #1: he was scoring at will
Clown #1: and against everyone else's will
Clown #1: he was able to concentrate and zone out all the shouts of "noooooo!"
Clown #1: what an athlete
Clown #1: and role model

Clown #2: and after the game the other team took a shower and went home, so i bet they'll get over it

Clown #1: ouch!
Clown #1: it still probably hurt them the next day though
Clown #1: even if they didn't want to admit that it ever happened
Clown #1: there was debate over whether the other team just layed down and let kobe score on them
Clown #1: the other team supposedly lays down for everyone

Clown #2: they may lay down for everyone, but they didn't want kobe to penetrate in the back court, so i can see why they might be upset

Clown #1: they should really work more on their back door defense then
Clown #1: they were wide open all night
Clown #1: even a guy has big as kobe was able to slide right in

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Day

Evil

Those of you who don't have to go to work this upcoming Monday may be wondering what the special occasion is. Well, asswipes, Monday is when our great nation celebrates Dr. Martin Luther King Jr's birthday. Unlike lame holidays such as Veteran's Day and Flag Day -- where no one knows what the hell to do in celebration, other than sitting at home in boxers, watching The Price Is Right, because there's nothing better on TV -- there's a long and celebrated tradition around MLK Day. I hope everyone is able to go out (or stay in, as the case may be) and have a good dream on Monday. I know I will.

And for those of you who don't have Monday off: HAH! Suckers! Hey, what can I say? I guess not all holidays are created equal. Three-fifths of us get to tool around at home while the rest of you losers have to slog it in to the office as usual.

Regardless of whether or not you have the day off, I figured that we should do something to commemorate the day. I'm happy to announce that as of right now, The Hose has acquired the domain name www.metabigot.com. (Really, try it: www.metabigot.com.) Why "metabigot"? Well, it's in honor of Sarah Silverman and the improving relationship between Jews and blacks (or as Dr. King would say, "Negros") in this country.

Things To Do When Bored

Evil

Go to the gym. So straight to the steam room. Squat down. Drop a huge shit in the steam room. Let steam.

Question

Evil

Do you love me?

IM'ing fun

Evil

I saw this on the web and thought it was funny...

=====
Anonymous1: i read this article recently about suirrels
Anonymous1: this guy was telling a story about how he was walking behind these teenage girls in nyc
Anonymous1: and they walked by some rats and they acted disgusted
Anonymous1: and then the guy said they werent rats, but suirrels
Anonymous1: and then they thought they were cute

Anonymous2: dumb bitches
Anonymous2: did you watch The Biggest Loser last night?
Anonymous2: it was a special "couples episode"
Anonymous2: those should extend the franchise
Anonymous2: and make similar shows

Anonymous1: only parts, i was watching lost

Anonymous2: like "The Biggest Dick"
Anonymous2: and "The Biggest Asshole"

Anonymous1: i thought that was the name of your autobiography

Anonymous2: why you makey me sad?

Anonymous1: i meant the first one

Anonymous2: oh yes
Anonymous2: of course
Anonymous2: it's so big, i could take my own dick and stick it in my own asshole
Anonymous2: if i wanted, of course
Anonymous2: which, i dont
Anonymous2: but just in theory
Anonymous2: i could

Anonymous1: mtg

Anonymous2: oh
Anonymous2: bye

Big Day

Evil

A great and amazing thing happened to me today. Just after lunch, I got a call from the producers of The Biggest Loser. Looks like I'm going to be on the show for next season! They start taping in 3 weeks... whoa, 3 weeks! I still need to get more info on the details and logistics. I'm not sure about internet access or whether they'll allow me to post during the show. Probably not. Well, who knows. I'll find out soon. Anyway, this is big news for me. I'll see you all when I'm skinny.

Superhandz

Evil

Check out this video of Emily Fox, a girl known as "Superhandz." She's only 12, but in a year or two, her mouth will likely be just as super.

More Pop Quiz

Evil

Remember in high school lit class where all the final exams included an "identification" section? You know, they give you a few lines and you have to identify the book and author.

That shit was ass-hard, especially when you only read a third of the assigned reading list. Anyway, this pop quiz is easier, and again, it's multiple choice.

Identify this: "It wasn't bad. I just went to sleep. I love you."

Is it from...

(a) A dying miner's last note to his family

(b) What Cheo said to The Bumpasaurus after some banging

Danger! Danger!

Evil

Have you ever had one of those days at the gym... where no matter how hard you try, you just cannot for the life of you, seem to avoid getting perilously close to some guy's dirty schlong in the locker room? I mean, wtf?! I had one of those days today. I felt more in danger than a U.S. Army PFC in Fallujah. I was trying to dodge penis like the Army tries to dodge car bombs.

To all the oafs who work out at the upper east side Equinox, I'd like to suggest the following:

1. If you're gonna take a full 5 minutes to blow dry your back hair, you might as well take 2 seconds to wrap a towel around your waist

2. You don't need to stand in the locker room naked and waggle your pee pee around while trying to place a limit order with your stock broker

3. If you really wanted to include squat thrusts in your workout, why didn't you do them BEFORE you came back to the locker room?

Pop Quiz... But It's Only Multiple Choice

Evil

Pop quiz... only 1 question... and it's multiple choice.

Question: I haven't been posting on The Hose lately because...

(a) I've eating so much cheese that my fingers have gotten too chubby to type without significant difficulty

(b) I've come down with a bad case of cancer and/or HIV and/or bird flu

(c) I've been trapped in a mine

(d) I've been too busy hanging out with my "real friends"

(e) I've met a nice girl and come to the conclusion that blogging is for girlfriend-less losers

(f) None of the above

(g) XTIAN is wack

Whoever said the Internet bubble burst?

Clearly no one with any real insight into the world of bits and bytes.

<Click here for some depressing news.>

Holiday Stress

I am very stressed right now. Is anyone else?
The gifts to buy. Chocolate everywhere.

There was just a holiday party in my office. My Secret Santa gift ($15 - $25) was a magazine subscription to Time Out New York. It was within the range since it was buy one get one free - a win for everyone.

Well, my giftee is from out of town, so I let her pick another magazine of her choice. She picked one that is 3 times as much. I think I should just order it since I am too embarrassed to say "No, sorry. It's not within the range."

Generousity will come back to me, right? I guess if I am expecting good things in the future, it's not really generous.

HAH!

From Today's NY Daily News

"Minaya likened his pursuit of another top-of-the-rotation starter to a bachelor seeking a date at the bar. Keep asking, and ask enough people, and someone might just say yes - though get used to rejection."

Omar is great!

It's All About Me (Birthday Post)

In an effort to distract readers from the lovers quarrel between Evil and Xtian, I am going to post about myself and a birthday on the horizon.

I am fairly confident that I am the oldest member of the Hose, but I am looking forward to this birthday, since it will be an even-numbered year. Not that this past year has been particularly terrible, but the odd-numbered years seem to be a bit rocky.

I might want to plan a party to celebrate. Who wants to come? Everyone can bring a date.

Double Standard

Why can't I discuss Evil's manners but he can discuss my poor decision making?

Prediction (Followup)

Evil

Remember my earlier prediction about XTIAN finding himself in a stable, well-adjusted relationship by Jan 5, 2005? Well well well... do I have an update for you! The full prediction hasn't come true yet, but I hear from a very reliable source (awww yeah, I'm pulling a Robert Novack!) that one of XTIAN's ex-women is now back in the picture. I'm not saying that she'll necessarily be the one come Jan 5, but the wheels are in motion. I'm happy for XTIAN. He's clearly too busy having a real life. That's why I'm the loser who keeps posting.

Darkness!

Anybody remember stuff like this. December is a dark time on the Hose. I'm a little scared....

Accomplishment

Evil

Someone viewed my Friendster profile today!!! Hallelujah. Shout out to The Kindergarten Teacher!

Ambition

Evil

It's 7:15 in the morning and I'm already at JFK terminal 8 for my 9:15 flight. I can't stand being late. I can't stand even the thought of being late. It's pleasantly quiet in JFK -- I didn't know what to expect being that it's Thanksgiving week, but maybe people aren't traveling until tomorrow? I walk past a food stand and want to get a glass of the fresh-squeezed orange juice they have sitting on ice. But the juice goes for something like $4.50, so I pass. Every time I walk past that food stand in terminal 8, I always want to get a juice, but I always pass. One time, I was traveling from San Francisco to New York with my friend The AY and as we were nearing the food stand, she goes, "OH! The orange juice! I LOVE the fresh-squeezed orange juice at this stand. I'm gonna get one." Then she asks, "You want one?" I answer, "Nah."

Right next to the food stand is this shop called Alti-tunes. They rent you music and DVDs that you can take on the plane. I never noticed it until this morning. But then again, I rarely notice anything at JFK -- it's usually so hectic and I'm usually in such a blur as I trudge from curb to gate, from gate to curb. But today, the thing about Alti-tunes that caught my eye was one of their video screens. The audio was on mute, but the image was unmistakable: a young Bob Dylan, in grainy, harshly-lit black and white video. This must have been circa 1965, just a couple of years after Dylan arrived on the scene in Greenwich Village. This morning, I can only bear to watch a second or two of young Dylan before moving on. In general, I can't watch any young Dylan footage anymore because it makes me feel too crappy about myself. Seeing Dylan, aged 22, 23 years, singing with the intensity and ambition that he does has this effect on me that goes beyond humbling; it borders on dispair. In Dylan's book, Chonicles Volume I, he has this great line about knowing his eventual fame from a very young age: (paraphrasing) "The world was shining its spotlight right at me, and nobody else."

I have this nagging feeling that I'm falling behind in life. I read and hear about younger people who are more successful than I am, you know, more money, more fame, great abs, the whole bit. Friends and co-workers my age are all on track to having wonderful little families of their own, if they don't already have one.

I'm on the JFK to SFO flight and catching up on my magazine reading. I bring 8 magazines with me on this trip. (I subscribe to about 20 magazines, so I would've brought more, if it weren't such a schlep.) Time magazine has this cover story, "The Secrets of Ambition: A surprising look at life's go-getters from its also-rans." The article profiles various famous people. For example, of Oprah, the article said: "She could read at 2, and although she was just 5 when she started school, she insisted on being put in first grade. Her teacher relented. The next year, young Oprah was skipped to third grade." I mean, crap, I'm pretty sure I wasn't reading until I was 5 or 6. At the end of third grade, I was offered the chance to skip fourth grade and my dad really wanted me to do it. But I was afraid to leave all my friends, so I basically filibustered (i.e. cried) until I got my way.

The article also profiled Vera Wang: she went to work at Vogue right out of college and put in 7-day work weeks. This helped her land the role of senior editor of the magazine at 23. I remember when I was 23: I was obsessed with bidding on Pokemon plush toys from eBay. (Hey, they were rare ones from Japan! You COULDN'T get them retail in the States!!!)

I didn't read the entire Time magazine article, actually. Maybe I wasn't ambitious enough? I just skimmed the little call-out boxes where they do the famous-people profiles, so I never did find out what's really "surprising" about life's go-getters vs. its also-rans.

I know a girl who's really pretty and nice. And smart! She has this endearing thing about her... he tends to blush very easily. Not that I'm the best at reading these things, but she might even like me. At the very least, she doesn't object to my presence. I want to ask her out. Should I?

This is a much more pleasant picture and post than angry Xtian's (no swearing).

F*cking Drunks!

The Pizza man is my boy. He owns a pizza shop on the corner of 23rd and 8th and he's the orneriest muther-f*cker in the world. That is to say, he's never in a good mood. What's really funny is that his tolerance for gays and drunks is lower than one would expect. I would say 55% of his business is drunken gays, with 80-85% of his business being consumers who can be described by at least one of these adjectives. You already know how he feels about the gays...even I was surprised by his feelings on drunks...

Recently, I went to dinner with Ill-Mannered, KenTak3 and the Mamacita...We went to Max. I'm on a first name basis over there and though the service is terrible its great. After a long dinner, I walked home.

On the walk home, I crossed by the scenes of several past defeats, Union Square, The Coffee Shop, Eugenes...as i cruised by the Gypsy Tea I saw a remarkable site...An SUV screeched to a halt and a young woman (of about 20...and I'm being generous) jumped out. She ran towards a modern NYC phone booth (pictured above), dropper her jeans and proceeded to either pee or drop an incredibly loose stool all over the street. I turned, looked, screetched and ran...several of her friends were pouring out of the car and screaming. Everyone was drunk and one of them stopped screaming long enough to call me a perv...yes, that's right, somehow i was the sick one...

I decided to visit the pizza man. I told him the story and he began waving his hands up in the air going "These f*cking drunk people. they're out of control"

Several, pizza consumers, looked up from their incredibly loud conversations sucked their teeth and left...

Evil or just Ill-Mannered???

A friend of mine (who shall remain nameless) is clearly ill-mannered. Towards the end of last week we all agreed we would congratulate Mr. Shoulder's personal and professional success by visiting his elaborate apartment in Hoboken. Mr. Shoulder's very eager to entertain proposed catering a lunch while we watched football and discussed our lives.

I was eager to see how Mr. Shoulders was making out. Kentak was also receptive...our unnamed friend not only matched our enthusiasm but surpassed it. Sunday approached and I secured a ride for my friend and myself from kentak. However, when I phoned him to ask after his status, the nameless one was quick to answer the phone but slow to provide a meaningful answer as why he was not joining us. I am somewhat used to this behaviour so I let it go. However, in the car, kentak recieves a call from Mr. Shoulders asking after us to make sure we did not get lost between the tunnel and Hoboken. It was clear that he was ordering food for several people and I had to alert him to the change in plans. Mr. Shoulders ever a good host was surprised but dide not communicate disappointment. Instead I hung up and rung Evil.

"[Evil], don't you think its appropriate to phone Mr Shoulders, apologize for not being able to join us and remind him to order less food."

"oh...yeah"

"I told him you weren't coming but you should still phone"

"why, you already told him?"

I decided it was time to give up....

Silly Photos

Evil

Earlier today, Tiger Woods won the Dunlop Pheonix golf tournament in Japan. He defeated Japan's Kaname Yokoo in a 4 hole playoff and then was pictured kissing the phallic trophy.



Why do people kiss trophies? I never understood that. (The fact that I've never won a trophy for anything at all is besides the point!) Women should take extra care, I think, especially pro golfer Christie Kerr.

Waiting for Mamacita

Evil

Mamacita has a post in DRAFT mode! She's coming soooooon!!!!!!

Roasted Sea Scallops and Rock Shrimp

Evil

I dropped by Citerella's after work today to pick up some ingredients for a batch of pasta sauce that I'll make tomorrow. It also happens that the the sea scallops looked great today, so I picked up some of that as well. Here's an improvised recipe that actually turned out quite decent!

ROASTED SEA SCALLOPS AND ROCK SHRIMP


* 1/2 pound (large) sea scallops
* 1/2 pound rock shrimp
* 3 plum tomatoes (canned), crushed
* 1 small onion, minced
* 1 clove garlic, minced
* 2 tbs fresh flat leaf parsley, minced
* 1 tbs olive oil
* 1 tsp paprika
* 1 splash of dry riesling -- you know, if you were drinking the previous night
* Salt and pepper to taste


Preheat oven to 400 degrees.

Mix all ingredients, except for scallops and rock shrimp, in a small baking dish. Bake in oven for about 10 minutes, until the liquid is bubbling.

Then add mix in the scallops. Bake for another 5 minutes.

Then add mix in the rock shrimp. Bake for another 5 minutes.

Remove from oven and allow to cool for a few minutes. Serve with warmed baguette and the same reisling that you didn't finish from the previous night. It's not too shabby!

(p.s. - I'm usually not at all picky with ingredients or proportions, but in this case, I'd highly recommend going for the rock shrimp, as opposed to regular shrimp. The rock shimp is much sweeter than regular shrimp. It also smaller and has a more interesting texture... goes quite well with the scallops.)

R.I.P.

Evil



R.I.P., Chavo Guerrero

WWJD?

Evil

This happens to me at least 4 times a week: I'm inside the elevator and just as the doors are closing, someone lunges forth and tries to get in at the last second. My reaction? Well, so as not to SEEM like an asshole, I make this motion toward the buttons on the panel as if I were trying to hit the "open" button. But I really don't and the doors close. And when they do, I relish at having saved myself 3 seconds and depriving that other person of the same 3 seconds. I mean, who can't wait 3 seconds for the next elevator to come? SHEESH!

PW3801 - Advanced People Watching (cont'd)

Evil

After three straight days of not working out and stressing big-time at work, I decide to bring my pudgy butt to Equinox today. Boy am I glad I did, because there was great people watching to be had!

I was in the stretching area, you know... stretching. And next to me is this hot female trainer, training this tooly-looking white dude. The female trainer has her back to me; the tooly white dude is facing me. The trainer's trying to get the dude to do some bend-and-stretch exercise, which essentially involves bending and stretching in the gayest ways possible (if you're a dude. If you're a chick, it's actually quite hot!). She demonstrates: there is lots of bending over, lots of sticking out her ass, lots of arching her back, and lots more of sticking out her ass.

"Now you do it," she says.

The dude protests, not verbally, but I can tell because his face is totally flush and he has this "WFT?!" goofy grin on his face. I look right at him. It is clear I'm not really stretching in the stretching area.

The trainer says, "Go on, do it."

The dude shrugs his shoulders. I look right at him. He glances at me. He decides he has no choice, so he does the gay bending-and-stretching exercise! I am staring at him the whole time for the sole purpose that it's making him all the more uncomfortable. Is that an asshole move on my part? Yah! Hahaha. But it amused me, nonetheless.

Screening Party?

Evil



Interested in the new Bret Hart DVD? You're all invited to a screening party at my place. In addition to the documentary part of the DVD, there are also some great bonus matches, including:

-- Hart Foundation vs. British Bulldogs (Madison Square Garden, July 1985)
-- Bret Hart vs. Ricky Steamboat (Boston Garden, March 1986)
-- Bret Hart vs. Chris Benoit (WCW Nitro, October 1999)

We couldn't have a classy screening party without something to eat and drink, so I was thinking, something like: roasted portobello, roasted figs wrapped in bacon, braised sea scallops, and home-baked biscuits. To drink: well, basically anything from my stash of wines because after all, I AM an alcoholic. And for dessert: baked gooey chocolate pudding, my favorite Nigella recipe of all time.

Welcome!

Evil

Bruno's Mom, welcome to The Hose!!!

Aquaman

The WB has announced that on the heels of a huge ratings bonanza, they are going to spin off the A.C. (Slater?) character from onto his own show...called Aqua...similar to Smallville it will follow the lead's progression from young man to superhero or in this case...aquaman...who has the power to talk to fish and...um...suck...

You may recall that HBO used Aquaman as a spoof for the proliferation of super hero movies in hollywood on the brilliant Entourage. For those of you who aren't familiar with Aquaman. You can read about him and the very gay Superfriends cartoon from the 70s here.

PW3801 - Advanced People Watching (4 credits)

Evil

Why do I pay the exorbitant gym fees at Equinox? I don't get my money's worth in terms of workouts, that's for sure. But ohhh, the people watching.

The people watching at Equinox is well worth the price of admission, and then some. Today, for example, I walked past the yoga studio while on my way to the water fountain. There was no class at the time, so the lights were dim... but I noticed a single person -- a female, young, fit, black hair in tight little curls -- in the studio. As soon as I caught a glimpse of her, for the life of me, I couldn't force myself to look away. This girl, in the dim-lit studio, was practicing what could only be described as posing in various sexual positions. Mostly advanced ones, at that!

I won't get into more detail just because The Hose is a family-oriented blog. I'll just say that I sure worked up a sweat at the Equinox today.

Asshole Move? Or OK?

Evil

From: [Evil]
To: editor@gaycitynews.com
Subject: Feedback on article

Hi, quick feedback on this article:

http://www.gaycitynews.com/gcn_444/aspiritidrowaboutgay.html

Specifically, this section:

Recalling that he confronted anti-Semitism as an undergraduate at Dartmouth, that he developed student tolerance programs at 42 public high schools across the city, and that, before taking a leave from his position with the law firm of Paul, Weiss, he was part of the team waging one of the pending same-sex marriage lawsuits in New York State, Garodnick said, "My background in civil rights doesn't come out of nowhere."

WHOA! Way too unweildy. There's too much that happens in the sentence before we arrive at the subject, "Garodnick."

Just wanted to point that out.

Best,
[Evil]

=====

From: editor@gaycitynews.com
To: [Evil]
Subject: RE: Feedback on article

Yes, [Evil], you are right. I am hoping that my excuse is that there was a lead-in sentence definitively identifying Garodnick as the actor in that sentence that got cut at the last second for space. But I can't tell you that under oath.

Paul

Looking For Travel Buddy

Evil

I've been thinking about going to Turin, Italy in Feburary for the 2006 Winter Olympics. Does anyone want to go with me?

I am Bernie Williams!

Apparently I'm running on fumes...

Its important to mention that I have a new roommate (Young Geezy) and that he's a cool kid...but he's a kid. He has great advise all the time like "ugly chicks put out" and so forth. We also watch Laguna Beach together...its really not that gay. I mean stuff we all know to be true but that we're past worrying about.

Anyway, I went with him to a party....some dude, referred to as "the dude" was moving to either Chicago or San Francisco to become either an equity researcher or a law student i.e. he was turning 25. The Dude is so called because apparently he smokes more of the green than is grown in all the warehouses of california (hydrophonics baby!)

The party was just a bunch of mid twenties princetonites and I recalled that I had been to a similar party (full of people I did not know) at the exact same apartment 6 years ago. people were shocked because I looked so young. I pointed out that I have lived in NY for 10 years

Young Geezy was quick to point out that
(1) 4 of those years were college, so instead of starting at 22 like all of them I started at 17
(2) I spent 2.5 of those 10 years living in Calinfornia...
So realistically I've been in NY for like 6 months...

Regardless, there were three chicks there and no where for me to play with Young Geezy's strategem. Finally one arrived, she was quite plain, but just the sort of Upper East Side Jewish princess that my not-loving-self guy wants to bang just to show "them" (whoever "they" are this week) that I belong...

I went to work. My game is to find something that isolates a woman from a given group and then join her in the isolation. it works...like always, because drunk girls are more insecure than normally and dumber than they would ever be in a any other environment.

I am banging on about something self absorbed that only insecure drunk chicks respond to when suddenly i'm distracted by my ugly friend's much more attractive friend. I run off and join her for a cigarrette (whatever) and in doing so, am sideswiped (so to speak) by the mythical "DUDE" who seems to have waken up (or come down from his high) with a very active libido.

I am now chilling on hte couch with the Young Geezy, really too drunk to care, when Ms Insecure slides back up and rolls around on the couch next to me begging for attention...I take her number but go back to ignoring her. She finds her way back to "the dude" and by some point is sooo drunk that she busts her ass from a still position. I am now officially laughing and her friends are trying to get her out of there.

On her way out, she comes by and encourages me to call...then lays a kiss on my lips. She's so ripped I convince myself that she just missed my cheek.

Young Geezy and I book out and go to get pizza from Bernard... In a mood, I bait Bernard into mocking gays, at 3am on the corner of 23rd and 8th its a safe assumption that Bernard, young geezy, and myself are the only people who have not tasted cock. Lost of customers suck their teeth and walk out as Bernard goes on and on about "f***ing f*gg*ts!!"

Sacrifice

Evil




I've never really had to give up anything before. I guess that's the good part about not having much to start with. I remember when I was 7, I REALLY wanted that Transformer... the one that transforms from a panther into a cassette tape. One day, my mom and I walked past it -- all shiny and on display in a toy store window -- and I was instantly paralyzed by the feeling of Want. But despite all my curbside pleading and hystrionics, my mom refused to buy it for me. Looking back, I can really appreciate that incident because it basically flushed the feeling of Want clear out of my mind. And now that I think about it, I sorta suspect that my mom didn't have the money to buy it for me, even if she wanted to. Maybe my mom was being a wise parent, or maybe she was just poor. Or maybe both. Maybe one day I'll ask her.

So anyway, that "never really had to give up anything before" thing is about to change. My doc called me today with results from my physical and she suggested I give up the fatty, high cholesterol foods. She rattled off some examples: Eggs ("No sweat, I don't even eat that stuff," I was thinking in my head), Butter ("HAH! I never touch that stuff"), Red Meat, especially Steak ("I'd have to actually leave my apartment to get a steak. No danger."), Cheese ("NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! For the love of God, please. PLEASE don't make me give up the cheese!")

I'll be honest: at any given point, I usually have 3 to 5 different cheeses in my fridge. You know, some Nevat always goes well with the crisp summer white wines. GOTTA have some Parmigiana-Reggiano to grate on pasta. Ooooh, and Pecorino! I could sit around all night, slicing paper-thin little slices of Pecorino... transferring cheese to mouth... cheese to mouth... cheese to mouth.

I guess that's my problem right there.

OK, I'll start eating better. Maybe I'll even lose a bit of this chub! Woooo!

Making Friends

Evil

I hung out with XTIAN and Evil Twin #2 this past Saturday night. (Read more Evil Twin #1 and #2 here!) It almost felt like a CSI crossover. Shout out to Evil Twin #2! (No shout out to XTIAN. That guy is a maniac.)

Prediction

Evil

I say that by Jan 5, 2006, our friend XTIAN will be in a well-adjusted, stable relationship. I'm calling it!

The Best Week Ever (NOT!)

Evil

I've known my friend Mike since kindergarten. Every year that goes by, I marvel at how long I've known Mike... currently at 24 years! Actually, what I really marvel at is how damn old I'm getting, but that's neither here nor there. Last week, I called Mike. I almost never call Mike and he almost never calls me. We're guys, so our primary form of communication is email. And even at that, the vast majority of our email communication is sending funnily "gay" articles back and forth. For example: "Check this out! How gay! (link to article here)"

So anyway, I call Mike and Mike tells me that he's in Chicago. Permanently. He moved from Queens to Chicago 2 weeks ago. Mike has a great new job at a VERY COOL company. It all happened pretty quick, I was told. Mike's also closer to his wife's parents now, so they can visit the baby more often. All wonderful news... but at one point during the phone call, tears started running down my face. Although I rarely talk to Mike and see him even less often, it always felt good to know that he was around.

If I were emailing with Mike right now, I would send him a link to THIS blog post, because man, it's pretty friggin' GAY!

In other news from last week...

I decided to get my various doctors appointments / checkups out of the way. First appointment of the day: the dermatologist. To my surprise, the doc turns out to be young, Chinese, and quite attractive! She has a pretty smile and nice skin. The first thing she says: "You're Chinese, like me." I furtively glance at her left hand. No ring! She asks why I came in and I tell her: "Well, first, I was wondering why I'm 29 and still have this acne." (*Points to forehead*) "Can I do something about that? And also, I recently started having this weird rashy skin thing on my back." (*Points to rashy skin thing on back*)

She examines me and at one point, says: "Is it hot in here? You're all sweaty." Yes, I was sweaty. Sweaty, pimply, and rashy-skinned. Way to make a good impression, Evil! She gave me a prescription for acne cream and some topical steroids (YAH!!!) for the rashy skin. I wonder if my back is gonna get all muscular and ripped from the steroid cream. That would rock! She told me to come see her again in 3 weeks. Should I bring her some flowers?

Second appointment of the day: the internist for a physical checkup. Blood pressure: normal. Resting heart rate: normal. Weight: could stand to lose 5 or 10 pounds. When she draws a vial of blood and I squirm like Cindy Brady. Lastly, she snaps on a pair of latex gloves and announces that she needs to check me for ball cancer. Have you ever had your balls squished by a middle-aged woman? It's a weird feeling. But it only took a few seconds and then she scooted over to the sink... (*snap*, *snap*) Her latex gloves come off and she's scrubbing at the sink. A few seconds later... still scrubbing. More time goes by... scrubbing, scrubbing. Hey, WTF?! She was wearing gloves! What's with the intensive scrubbing?! Me and my testicles feel self-conscious.

The Col-BORE Ruh-pore

Evil



Has anyone tried to watch The Colbert Report more than 3 nights in a row? This show is f-ing unbearable! I would've never guessed, but it is. This dude sooo CANNOT carry 30 minutes all by himself. I guess it's because watching a self-absorbed and obnoxious buffoon is only entertaining in little 5-minute bite sizes. If I wanted an entire half-hour buffoonery, I might as well hang with Manolo.

Support DiscoSkater

Support this site. If he sees a lot of traffic from our site, he might support my request for a xtian-ophile tee-shirt...

xTian's Gay Moment of the Month

Was at a club two weekends ago,checking in on some cool local bands, One was called Lolita Bra, there was one called Looker and the last was called Hopewell. I liked Hopewell the least, although they won me over when they did what was an incredibly rocking cover of Moonage DayDream (sidebar: is there a better opening line than "I'm the aligator!")

Anyway, during the Hopewell show TV's Vinny Chase walked in. That's right I was rubbing elbows with Adrian Grenier. Literally...i'll explain.

After the show, I was quick to point to Steph that Vinny Chase was there.

"who's that?" she said and she walked over and started hanging out with the band. Hot chicks can always do that...I was of course shrieking like a girl that my current big boy crush was 2 ft from me. I mean dude, imagine being in this guy's entourage. he must be turning down tang left and right. I could be turtle I could drive the car. Sure...

After much internal debate I rolled over there. There was music playing, so I grabbed him by the elbow, leaned in and was like "Adrian, I'm a huge fan". He was staring at my hand (on his elbow) the whole time. Then he looks up and says "thanks". I was suddenly mortified. I mean how gay is that? I took several steps back and came up behind Steph and grabbed her in a very masculine way, not that I'm dating her or anything, I just wanted to remind people i was not gay. Where people is mostly me. Steph, was used to this, as I had pulled this act a few weeks ago when we happened into a very gay bar.

Update on Our Lives

Evil

Dear Faithful Reader(s),

Even though there hasn't been a lot of activity on The Hose lately, it's not actually representative of what's happening in our real lives. There's been lots going on. I felt it was only fair that you should get an update. Here's what we've been up to:

Manolo - Working on his memoirs. Hit severe writer's block by page 5. Has been whittling away time (i.e. jerking off non-stop) ever since.

Xtian - Banging a war path through the women of New York City. Too busy to hang out with Evil anymore.

Kentaro - Steadily checking off every milestone in his master plan for taking over that fancy-pants investment bank that he works on. Most recent accomplishment in the master plan: appointing one of his key lieutenants, Bruno, as co-head of Global Capital Markets.

Mr. Shoulders - Who knows what Mr. Shoulders is up to? Is he still alive?

Cheo - Desperately trying to find underwear in his size.

The Bumpasaurus - Reading comic books. Writes the occasional love letter to David Beckham. In his remaining free time, fills his belly button with peanut butter, then scoops it out with his finger, then eats it.

Evil - On a serious note, last week, my son was born. A healthy 8 pounds, 4 ounces. Really healthy set of lungs. Will post some pictures shortly, as soon as the kid stops looking like a raisin, because no one wants to see pictures of freakish alien-like babies.

OK, bye now.

L'Chaim y'all!

Congrats to the Newlyweds!

Manolo Gets Some Sugar

I was going thru a kind of dry spell and I hadn't had sex for a few months or so. In my defense though, I was so busy I had failed to notice (yeah right!).

Anyways, it rained last night and I had myself some sweet honey. The only thing is that I am not feeling the typical high of a sugar rush.

I don't know if its the fact that I am out of shape or the fact that we were trying some fancy schmancy moves (I shouldn't given my past back problems) but all sorts of muscles and body parts are aching. Besides having to wake up early for a morning meeting, I received 5 calls before noon so not am I only physically tired but mentally and emotionally as well.

=====================================
And a pre-emptive strike against Evil.

No Evil, it wasn't a guy so none of that,"was it good for him too..."

You should ask your mom though...

Manolo IMs with Xtian

An actual instant message conversation between myself and Xtian yesterday afternoon.

Xtian: Hey
Manolo: Hey
Xtian: What's up? Everything good?
Manolo: Everything is good. How about you?
Xtian: Everything is good.
Manolo: What else is up?
Xtian: Not much...and you.
Manolo: you know, same old...working.
Xtian: Yeah...me too...
Manolo: yeah
Xtian: ...okay...
Manolo: ahem...
Xtian: bye
Manolo: see ya...

As the conversation attests, it seems Xtian and I have ran out of things to talk about...

A Good Day

Evil

I've been emailing with a friend of mine recently. We haven't communicated the previous half-year or so for various reasons. Most of it was due to her job cutting off her IM. Damn you, The Man! (*shakes fist defiantly*)

Over email, I asked my friend, "When was it that we first met? Was it while I was unemployed? That must have been 2 and a half years ago."

She wrote back, "...you were unemployed and giving me tips on how to roast a whole chicken. you told me to stick a lemon in its butt! i still do it that way..."

Maybe this is weird, but her comment made me feel pretty good. It made me feel like I've actually made a difference in someone's life, however insignificant.

What I Love

Evil

If I had children, my way of showing my displeasure would be to say: "I would trade you in for a wheel of cheese, I swear." I really love cheese. I might love cheese too much.

Face Transplants

Evil

Finally! Doctors figured out how to do face transplants. Now there's hope for those ugly (but loveable) mofo's, Xtian and Manolo. What about Cheo? That guy need much more than a face transplant.

Barry Sucks

Evil

Barry Bonds announced that he plans to lose 28 pounds. And that's just from his head!

When does the Jay Fielder era start?

Get your Tivos ready!!

Angelina Joile and Dr. Jeffrey Sachs (of Columbia's Earth Institute and the author of one of the better books I've read in the last few months are going to Africa to end poverty. The whole event will be recapped on MTV.

The possibilities are endless...for comedy...

Disturbing conversation

i had a really disturbing conversation with sangay today. we were talking about the previous night and he mentioned that he "really liked my look". I was a bit confused

"how do you mean?"

"did you get new glasses or something?"

"no..however, it might be the new products I am using i am using a new facial scrub and also have a moisterizer that has some anti-oil elements and I also use a different creme that takes care of the bags under my eyes. I also have a bit of a tan..."

"oh...its working"

I don't know where my ambiguous lifemate was but I was walking down the street in the west village and feeling very uncomfortable by this whole line of questioning...

whoa

evil



whats going on in this photo?

Sad News

Evil

I heard some really sad news today and I think most of you will probably hear about it in the coming days. Info is still coming in, but all I know thus far is that there was a huge hurricane in the Gulf coast region and there was a lot of damage. I heard that New Orleans is under water... don't know to what extent the damage is, but it sounds pretty bad.

Santo Subito

Evil

Chief Justice William Rehnquist was laid to rest yesterday. As sad as it is, we now have to look forward. And all I can say is... I CAN HARDLY WAIT FOR THE CONCLAVE! By tradition, 9 days after the dead Chief Justice is buried, all Senators from around the country will gather and sequester themselves under the majestic dome of The Capitol. They will remain locked in and stinky until they elect a new Chief Justice by at least a two-thirds majority. Personally, my money is on Francis Arinze of Nigeria.

Tokyo, Part 2

Evil

I NEVER thought I'd say this, but... I am all hentai'd out! I mean it.

Tokyo

Evil



Top Things I've Learned While in Tokyo

1. Scarlett Johansson does NOT hang out at the Cerulean Towers hotel bar. (Tonight, I'm heading to the Park Hyatt, where they filmed that movie, to look for her.)

2. I can't find those vending machines where they sell used women's panties. Is that an insider thing? Who do I have to know?

3. Japanese toilets are very advanced. They have a feature that squirts warm water right at your butt hole.

4. Japanese schoolgirls ACTUALLY wear the uniforms you see on Japanese schoolgirl porn. It's weird.

5. Tokyo is at the same latitude as Memphis, TN. It's about 250% humidity here.

Good bye...

Evil



Good bye, Chief Justice William Rehnquist... we will always love you!