Rip Me Off Before You Go-Go

Evil

I can't watch even a few minutes of TV without bumping into 18 or so commercials for "Skating With Celebrities." While it's pretty insulting that they're trying to pass off Todd Bridges and Bruce Jenner as "celebrities," I'm most offending by the rip-off nature of the concept itself. I mean, how hard was it to come up with "Skating With Celebrities" after watching "Dancing With The Stars"? If there's one thing I can't stand -- and would NEVER do -- it's stealing other people's ideas.

Have I mentioned that I have a few TV shows in development? I've been a pretty busy guy lately. All these shows are in various stages development -- you know, contact negotiations with the talent, sponsorship negotiations with advertisers, distribution and syndication details to iron out... oh wait, you DON'T know. Because you don't have any shows in development. Losers! Maybe you can just live vicariously through me and all the balls I have in the air right now. (Or you can live vicariously though Manolo and have balls in your mouth.)

Anyway, here's a sneak preview of my TV shows, which should be hitting the airwaves next season:

Dancing With Celebrity Impersonators
Do the cha-cha with Young Elvis! Do the tango with Old Fat Elvis! Do the Charleston with Drag Queen Madonna! Each week, viewers will vote for their favorite dance couple via a toll-free phone line and text messaging. At the end of the season, the last remaining dance couple will be crowned campions and win $20 (in cash!).

Celebrating With Retards
If you're touched and motivated by shows like "The Biggest Loser," you're going to love "Celebrating With Retards." This show documents the lives of 6 very special retards. Follow their lives as they celebrate extraordinary accomplishments ("yay!"), such as eating apple sauce with minimal drooling ("yay!"), going to the bathroom ("yay!"), successfully stepping onto the curb without falling ("yay!"), and being a financial, emotional, and physical drain on their families ("yay!").

Krumping With Osama
Clown make-up, break dancing, and Osama bin Laden. I'm smelling an Emmy, bitches!

Beatifying With Benedict
Each week, three contestants will compete in dare-devil stunts -- such as tightrope walking between two tall buildings, driving a car into a canyon, and eating cow testicles -- to win an audience with the Pope. At the end of each show, the winning contestant gets blessed by Benedict.

Dry Humping With Mormons
OK, I'll admit... I don't really have an angle for this one yet. It might have something to do with jacking off on a Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints pamplet, but I'm not sure.

Begging With Hurricane Victims
Watch and laugh as our cameras track out-of-work, smelly, homeless Katrina victims as they beg for quarters (and dignity) on the streets of San Antonio.

Breaking The News With Gay Teens
This show is essentially the same every f'ing week, but I guarantee you, it'll never get old! Watch along as a homo teenager breaks the news to mom and dad that he's gay. Mom will weep. Dad will turn beet red, forget to breathe for 6 or 7 minutes, then punch Mom in the face, and then storm off to the garage workshop to cool down.