In my previous apartment, I had a built in entertainment center (picture shown) which though handy for all my crap, limited the size of my TV screen. I recently moved to a new place and first thing I did was to break down and buy a 52’’ LCD... Supposedly, you can see people Halle Berry and Jessica Alba in all their glory. On the other hand, you have to be careful you stay away from high def when watching people like Howard Stern or Keith Richards or Evil. Anyway, while waiting for my high-def porn shipment to arrive, I decided to watch one show stocked with celebrities to see how they looked. That lucky show was Idol Gives Back…
Since xTian and Evil are always talking about quality and about the high level of standard for The Hose, I found myself with the urge to do a recap in the spirit of Evil’s movie reviews or xTian’s live blogging about the Grammys (little secret between you and me, they are usually done from his bathroom)…
I wanted to get a feel for their style. You know, get the right amount of lameness so besides reading their stuff, I also read some of KillerB’s posts. I immediately fell asleep (reason why I am posting this today instead of last night). I didn’t get to finish watching the show live but thank goodness for my DVR. Is there anything that baby can’t do?
Anyway, below is my recap of Idol Gives Back. Please note that this is done in an Evil/xTian mindset….
-Show starts with some dancers, some of whom are amazingly hot. I wonder where they are from…People always have the hots for dancers. Think that they are going to move the same way when they are in bed. That is simply not true. I can’t dance for crap but I am a tiger in bed….grrrrrrr!!!! Idols are on the side of the stage. They clearly can’t compete with the dancers.
-They bring Nascar Champion Jimmy Johnson…good thing they tell me who he is because otherwise I would have been lost. Perhaps they should have told me he drives the Lowe’s car…
-George Lopez is trying to raise money from the Latino viewing audience. It is very unlikely that if you speak only Spanish, you will be watching American Idol. You are most likely watching Pasion, the tale of a woman who falls in love with the pirate that kidnapped her in XVIII Mexico. This is of course not true if you are a self-hating Latino like xTian.
-Kylie Minogue comes onstage….is she still a celebrity? She must have a new album coming out… 
-Mariah Shriver goes on about how we are the ones we are waiting for. Reminds me of Obama and all his Obama-rama-ding-dongs…Anyway, she was wearing one of those blouses that under unusual or harsh lighting become see through. I was waiting for an Alex Kerry moment...and I have no idea why since I don’t think she is pretty. Oh wait, I know…ta-tas are ta-tas!!!
-Ben Stiller. I had a friend just like Ben Stiller’s character in Zoolander. I wonder what ever happened to him. One day he just stopped calling and writing. What’s even weirder is I still stay in touch with some of his sisters. They send me pictures, throw a sheep at me every so often on Facebook and give me the occasional life update (marriage, kids, etc) but no word whatsoever on their brother…I think Balls even sent him some pics of Baby Balls and still got no response…
-Jennifer Connely – I think she is so hot. Her eyebrows kind of freak me out so if we were to have sex, I would so avoid the face money shot. Oh by the way, she talks about getting clean drinking water for Africans…
-Snoop Dog performs with Charlie Wilson (don’t know who he is) – I love me some Snoopy Dog…guy is/was a hard core rapper…does a porno video but still comes across like a family man. I wonder if that diamond studded microphone is for real or if he has someone from his entourage just to bedazzle stuff…
-Kobe Bryant with probably huge zit on his face asks for money. Is he still married to Vanessa? I vaguely remember her being kind of hot…
-Triple H – Wrestling guy is a blast from the past. It makes me think back in the day when I shared an apt with xTian and Balls. You would not believe the girlish screams from xTian every time the Rock came on stage. And don’t forget about Balls. He would say over and over again “Can you smell what the Rock is cooking?”
-Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson - She looks short. If I were to have sex with her, I would really have to fight my deeply ingrained desire to partake in a game of midget tossing…They are talking about obese children which is funny given Randy’s hefty size. He seems to have lost some weight though…
-Carrie Underwood, Teri Hatcher and some plumber guy who is supposed to be her husband (Desperate Housewives?) – Didn’t watch American Idol the season Carrie Underwood won so I am not emotionally vested. She is kind of hot. Not my type though. I used to like Teri Hatcher back in the day when she was Lois. Teri goes onstage to sing with the Band from TV. I thought it was a joke and that Carrie Underwood was going to come out and sing but they are actually a band. Her breasts kept bouncing….they look real and they look spectacular – looks like she didn’t have any makeup though. She looks really old.
-Who the heck is Mary Murphy? Why is she so annoying? Reminds me of Evil….
-Don’t know who the Jonas brothers are! Are they the new Hanson? MMMBop!!!
-I don’t watch the Disney Channel but it seems that Miley Cyrus is pretty popular. Miley Cyrus and Billy Crystal have a schtick that goes on forever. I walk away to make myself a grilled cheese sandwich (hmmm, cheese) and they are still going back and forth…She sings something…
-Now they go to the studio where the Idols are manning the phones. They have Syesha Mercado front and center. She is remarkably cute given how ugly her folks are...it seems kids of mixed race always pick up the best traits of their parents. I had a huge crush on an Euroasian chick back in college. I have moved on…Anyway, Syesha lives in Miami so I will see if I track her down…maybe she can introduce me to Kristy Lee Cook or Carly Smithson.
-Bono comes on and talks about AIDS. He says they need more money. Who is he again? That guy should keep his glasses on…his eyes are freaking me out!
-Julianne Moore comes on asking for money. I have a thing for red heads and thought she was hot but my brand new TV shows her lip wrinkles. It leads me to count them as if they were tree rings and become quite the huge turnoff…
-Fergie comes out with John Legend. Never thought she was hot and the high def shows her with hairy arms. I am very choosy and I have a thing regarding hairy arms…this takes Fergie out of contention.
-Heart comes out. I don’t know a lot about pop culture and have no clue who they are. Fergie joins them in some leather pants. The whole time was spent looking for camel toe…
-John Cena is another wrestling dude. In the background, there was video of him in his wrestling glory. For the record, I was only looking checking his shirtless body to compare muscles.
-They are back to the studio where the Idols are manning the phones. I am thinking about donating so I can have phone sex with Amanda Overmyer.
-Adam sandler looks like he is 40…that guy is falling apart…at least comb your hair. He reminds me of xTian (the falling apart part).
-Peyton and Eli Maning talk about New Orleans. I can’t say anything about Eli…the guy wins a Super Bowl for my New York Giants while slaying the Patriots. Suck it Boston!!!
-Damn that high definition signal. David Beckman is flawless. I guess there is something to say for metrosexuality (are Metrosexuals still around? Do they prefer a different name? Hey xTian, let me know)…Victoria on the other hand is as skinny as a toothpick and her big head is not proportionate to her body…reminds me of xTian as well…
-Annie Lenox is crying on a video and then comes onstage to sing like nothing happened. I have no idea who she was so I googled her. “Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This).” Woooooo! Now I know…
-Kiefer Sutherland – Love me Jack Bauer. Besides, I can’t say anything about him…that guy will track me down and waterboard me…by the way, who is down to go watch Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay?
-A clip of Celine Dion in Africa…that woman is all bones…I think some of the money will go to feed her…
- Jimmy Kimmel – He starts making fun of Simon and his man boobs. I see that guy and think of Sarah Silverman. I think she would be a wild cat in bed with all the cursing and bad language…
-They cut to a montage of Simon Cowell in NYC in a medical mobile that provides assistance to children without health insurance…Nothing to add here except that they could have used a more photogenic family…They cut back to him on the studio asking for money.
-Carrie Underwood goes onstage. As stated before, I never saw an episode from her season so I probably have only seen her 2-3 times on TV. Know some of her songs though. A LOT of close ups. I guess they know who they can zoom in with high def…
-Whoppi Goldberg asks for money. I noticed the tattoo by her breast…I wonder if she has a tramp stamp too…
-Ellen Degeneres pretends to be Oprah asking for money…
-Gloria Estefan comes out with Sheila E on drums (no clue who the latter is). I remember one time Gloria was one of the mentors and I think it was one of the worst shows ever. Sheila E knocks down the cymbals so just stays with the drums for the rest of the set
-Speak of the devil, there is Sarah Silverman. She is not that pretty but still willing to try the sex thingie. Also, malaria is not funny!
-Now we cut to Forrest Whitaker and his wife with a story about a little girl with malaria. Mosquito nets to prevent…is that so hard? Ooh….the Prime Minister of Great Britain Gordon Brown pledges to purchase 20 million mosquito nets for Africa…impressive but disappointing at the same time because all these governments pledge money and they fail to follow thru. Not to say anything about George W. Bush but I am always impressed at how eloquently British politicians speak. I need to double check if CSPAN still carry parliamentary debates…
-Keith Urban asks for money…
-Reese Witherspoon…I loved her on Election…she has a very pointy chin though…will have to deduct a point…
-The Idols perform “Seasons of Love.” Only reason I know it is because I recently saw the movie version of Rent. Has anyone seen Kids, Rosario Dawson’s first movie? Hard core stuff….I digress though…
-Dane Cook comes on…I never thought this guy was funny…I don’t understand how some people become famous and make tons of money while I toil day to day to make ends meet…
-Alicia Keys is in Africa. She is hot…man, I sound like Paris Hilton…
-Ashley Tisdale and Vanessa Hudgens come on TV asking for money. Apparently, they are from the movie High School Musical. It seems I am missing a whole demographic. Time to start watching Disney….
-Speaking of Disney, Miley is back…does she have a new CD coming out? The whole show was about her…I think she stole Fergie’s pants….and Evil, she is 15…don’t go checking for camel toe…
-There is a montage of Billy Ray and Miley in rural Kentucky...Don’t go breaking my achy breaky heart….that guy is smart….riding the gravy train once again!!!
-Robin Williams comes out as the winner of Russian Idol…Is he trying to be Yakov Smirnoff? Simon is not amused…Neither am I!
-Rob Schneider – another comedian asking for money…
-Tyra Banks – does anybody watch her show besides xTian? By the way, “giving to charity is “fierce”
-David Spade – Hahaha….his whole 10 seconds onstage was to introduce Brad Pitt…reminds me of xTian and Evil’s relationship…
-They kept announcing Brad Pitt for the past 2 months, and all he did was to be on a short clip about Katrina for about 3 seconds…Besides, Katrina is so 2 years ago…Yes we know, Bush doesn’t care about black people…
-Brad Pitt comes onstage and got huge cheers. His mike didn’t work …more cheers...waiting to get a new one…okay…what is he going to say? He goes on to introduce Chris Daughtry who is then shown in a video of himself in Uganda…
That’s it…seems “Idol Gives Back” when longer than its allotted 2 ½ hours and my Tivo stopped recording…
Besides, all this typing should have pushed my enemies' posts beyond the first page...
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Manolo Recaps Idol Gives Back
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
Manolo Needs To Work On His Photoshop Skills
P.S.- Your comments are way off the mark. I am still cool. Even on my worst day, you are no match for me. Darryl Strawberry was an average baseball player especially when he wasn't on crack. Landing on the moon was done in a sound stage in New Mexico and mastadons which are actually spelled mastOdons are not that fuzzy...
A Tale of Two Goodbyes
Evil
Manolo got the boot. No love for Manolo. Hey Manolo, wanna see what it looks like when you have to leave but people actually love you? Check out the above video of the little Filipino, Ramiele getting voted off of American Idol. Look where she gets to bury her face. Heaven. Pure heaven.
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
PR Announcement - A Measured Response
It’s with great sadness that we announce a dramatic shift in the direction of the Hose.
For a long time, The Hose has been about the trials and tribulations of a core group of friends. Originally, it started with xTian then we added Evil, then Manolo. That was a core. That stood for something, as long as we had that we would be ok.
As we grew the Hose grew. Soon, things got completely out of hand. We were joined by conspiracy theorists (The Mamacita), an animal (Bruno) and celebrities (Dr. Cosby). It was great. We were building momentum. However, many people who came also went. Some due to personality clashes (we miss you Sleeve) some because we had no idea who they were (Rina?). This is different. This is new. Today, we say goodbye to a member of our core, Manolo.
Manolo was, for a time, an inspired contributor. Well, he posted often and could spell, that counts in this business. Things were good. Then, he got "busy", whatever the hell that means. Evil and I jut got tired of carrying the load. We found this a tough decision to come to. We agonized. We knew it was necessary but were looking for an out, looking to respect old covenants. We went as far as to put it up to referendum. We let you, the fastidious forty fans vote. Maybe you could bring him back to the fold?
No response, not a word till this random declaration of war. That’s fine. Have your war. We battle. Bring your dancing shoes bitch.
So he's gone. That's it. Clean break.
We’re moving on. Evil aside, The Hose is first and foremost about quality. We think KillerB is a huge upgrade. First off, he posts. Secondly he’s brilliant. What’s not to love?
To Manolo- we say "Thank you. That was nice for a while. We hope the door doesn't hit you on your way out."
Many thanks,
Evil and xTian
Manolo Declares War
On the afternoon of April 7th Manolo learned that fellow Hosers without previous warning either in the form of an email or an instant message or an ultimatum with a Super Wall post on Facebook or a phone call had attempted on cutting Manolo loose from the Hose.
In view of these wanton acts of unprovoked aggression committed in flagrant violation of International Law and particularly of Article IX of the Hose Articles of Incorporation relative to the removal of Hosers, to which both Manolo and the rest of the Hosers are parties, His Greatness' Ambassador at Hose headquarters has been instructed to inform the Hose Board of Directors in the name of His Greatness’ Government in the city of Magic that a state of war exists between our two parties.
I have the honor to be, with high consideration,
Your uncontested master,
Manolo
Just so you know, this won’t be an old war like WWII…it won’t be a modern war a la Rumsfeld/Bush…it will be a war of the future…after I am done with you, you think the Tibetans and the Burmese had it easy…the only flame being extinguished will the yours…
P.S. - For the record, even though Manolo formally declares war on the Hose and its Hosers, Bruno the Bear its exempt...he is so freaking cute in his birthday hat!!!
Manolo Has Hurt Feelings
Over the weekend, I called Xtian for our twice a year phone call…After making fun of Evil for about 10 minutes, we proceeded to talk about life. That conversation lasted about 2 minutes (which I think is a personal record for us). We promptly changed our conversation to the Hose which at this juncture WAS the only thing keeping our friendship together….
I said WAS because xTian and Evil staged are guilty of staging a coup d’état. I didn’t think they had it in them but I am to give credit where credit is due. It is almost genius the way they did it. First, Evil took the Hose as his own personal diary. He started posting every day with these lame posts about leaving [his old job], having sex with Mystery, and flying to India to become the next Siddhartha…
That was around the last time I read the Hose because besides being unbelievably boring, xTian and Evil got their cronies in Wall Street to crash the real estate market. I have been working non-stop to salvage what’s left of my real estate empire…Do you know how time consuming and exhausting it is to kick people out of their homes? You have to involve lawyers, get an eviction notice, and then get the sheriff to throw all those bums out…You give them plenty of time (5 minutes) to gather their papers and most important belongings and they still complain. They also have no control of their kids. You think they will find one minute in those five to tell their kids to stop crying. And another thing, those kids are freaking retards…they always leave their favorite blanket or toy behind. Hey kid, you ever stopped to think that maybe if you didn’t spend your five minutes crying, you could have gotten your Tickle Me Elmo…
Then, xTian and Evil go and draft some elementary school superstar thinking he is the next Kobe Bryant or LeBron James. They don’t tell poor DullerBiatch that he will be playing with the big boys and that his WeeWee skills won’t get him anywhere. Next step involves hosting an election about my future without telling me. I didn’t know there was a vote taking place until Monday with an hour left before polls closed. You know how little time that is to make an informed decision and vote. Luckily, I was able to access six computers and make my voice heard…otherwise I would have lost by a bigger margin. All I wanted was a chance…You don’t think I would have been wooing Hose readers like super delegates at the Democratic Convention, or working on a way to get access to more computers…
Don’t you know how hard I fought for the Hose? I made this place what it is. I can count on three fingers the people I have brought in…What about the times the Hose was left for dead and I went ahead and made a fool of myself for your amusement. I wanted the chance to partake in something greater than myself and you have crushed my dream…Now I will crush you…
Sunday, April 06, 2008
Happy Birthday!
It's Bruno Bear's birthday, and he's been partying up a storm all day today. So much energy! At the next Hose outing, maybe we can pay a tribute to this 4-year old little guy and do some tequila shots.
Saturday, April 05, 2008
Our Friend Algorithm
Friday, April 04, 2008
Inbox Fun!
I just got with the following header details"
From: ColonCleanse
To: xtian's work email
Subject: Flush Up to 20 execess pounds from your body
Thursday, April 03, 2008
Well, crap
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
It's Who I Am
Evil
I notice subtleties now that I never would have when I was a younger guy. In fact, some things I can’t not notice, even if I tried. The size of a person’s pupils, for example. During the morning commute, when we’re shoved against each other on the subway while trying our best to remain anonymous, I steal glances at people’s faces and always take note of their pupils. People with large or just dilated pupils are generally seen as more attractive – scientific studies have shown this.
When I meet a girl, whether at work, at a bar, or on a proper date, I immediately gauge the size of their pupils as a benchmark. I do this without hardly a thought – it’s more like a reflex. On a date, such an observation matters. If you place your hand on the small of a girl’s back and her pupils dilate, it means something. If you move in close to a girl, so close that you’re practically breathing each other’s air, and her pupils dilate, she’s telling you something – just without words.
What a girl does with her hands is also telling. What she does with her feet – even more so. (People have more conscious control over their hands, less so over their feet.) I’m a much more observant person now. I can pick up on hints and nuances. Dates tend to go better now, versus years ago when every first date doubled as a lesson in a new aspect of awkwardness.
But I feel as though the me of today is not as good a person to know, compared to the me of yesteryear. All the tidbits of knowledge that I’ve picked up, I basically use to manipulate. With me, it’s always a game. There’s never not a game. Even when only one person (me) is playing, it’s still Game On.
I was at dinner with Xtian and La Troisieme a few months ago. At one point, I doled out some advice that La Troisieme found to be utterly shocking and possibly immoral. I said, “If she cooks you dinner -- no matter what -- do not compliment her on the cooking.” Why not? Because it’s a game. If you withhold the compliment, you’re implicitly expressing disapproval. And when a girl likes you (and you already know that she does because she went to the considerable effort of preparing an entire meal for you), she tries hard to gain your approval. So if you don’t give it to her, she tries harder. If not by cooking, then by some other means. You win.
People oftentimes tell me, “You have a nice smile.” A common variation of that, and I hear it with regularity, is “Your smile is very sincere.”
Years ago, I would tell a girl she looked nice if I thought she looked nice. Maybe it was the first warm day after a chilly winter and she was wearing a flowery spring dress to meet me at brunch. Maybe I’d bring her some sweets, because on the way to brunch, I happened across a bakery displaying a swath of ornately decorated cookies in their window and the flower cookie just looked so happy and fun and appropriate for a day that beckons the coming of spring. Years ago, I’d buy things, say things, do things “just because” or just to be nice. I can’t remember the last time I felt that way. It’s been a while. But at the same time, I no longer feel lost around women. I know what to say. I know how to act. It’s all an act. It’s all a game. The scoreboard says I’m winning, but I don’t know if I’m having any fun.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
L$$ Gr$$nwood Craps His Pants
Whoa - Lee Greenwood must be crapping his pants right now. Kristy Lee Cook, our own barrel horse riding, apple pie eating singing sensation just blew America away with "God Bless the USA" on American Idol. This is the sort of thing that musicians must dream of. Who gives a crap about Lee Greenwood? This morning, no one did. Now, everyone will. I don't know much about the economics of the music business, but I bet Lee Greenwood sure could use a royalty check these days. He should sit down tonight and write a nice long letter to Kristy thanking her for making him a star again. It's a safe bet that by this time tomorrow you won't be able to find any Lee Greenwood CDs left at your local WalMart. Maybe next week David Archuleta will drop some Glenn Campbell on us!!!
You Decide!
When I was younger, DC Comics did something really innovative. People were not responding to the second Robin, Jason Todd. Not knowing what to do, the editors took drastic action. In issue 427 of Batman, they had the Joker beat him bloody with a crowbar and then blow up the building he was in. The last page of the issue (pictured here) offered two numbers. Dial the first if you wanted Robin to live, dial the second if you wanted him to die. Needless to say the fan boys spoke and issue 428 found Batman pulling Robin's bloody corpse out of the rubble. End the story of Robin II.
Evil and I had a mind meld and agreed that something like this could work on the Hose. Now that Killer B has joined our ranks and we are in a recession, Evil and I are thinking about doing a little house cleaning. Item number 1 here is to figure out if we need to trim the fat at all. We weren't sure who to get rid of, but we are leaning towards Manolo. This week's poll is our attempt to make this a referendum about Manolo. You tell us if he stays or if he goes...
Good luck Manolo...you'll need it.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Irrational Disdain
Evil
Are there qualities in other that you disdain? However irrational it may be?
I hate lispers. Even thinking about lispers makes me mad. That is wrong, I know. I can't help it. I'm sure I have more like this. Will post as I think of them. Share yours!
---
Revision note: original post used "distain" instead of "disdain." This would not happen to me if I were not a child of immigrants! Thanks to Evil Twin #1 for correcting me.
The People Have Spoken
Thank you, voters!
How exciting! I'm not alone! You all think that Evil is simultaneously putting on d-bag airs and very gay.
It's like y'all know him as well as I do!
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Hey. New Guy Here.
The ink is dry. The deal is done. I couldn't be happier.
My previous blogging experience was a real burnout, but after meeting with Evil, xTian and Mamacita last night over a few bottles of wine I realized this would be totally different. I'm really jazzed to join The Hose. They've made a great decision, and have a great font.
When I was in 3rd grade a new kid, Jason Something, joined our school. His novelty (Canadian) wore off quickly, and eventually we made fun of him just like the other dorks. I hope this doesn't turn out like that.
The Hose Family grows by 1
Evil, Manolo, The Mamacita, ET #1 and #2 and the rest of the Hose family would like to take a moment away from our intense negotiations to congratulate Balls and Mrs Balls Mahoney on the addition of Baby Balls to their family. Don't worry baby, we'll protect you from your crazy uncle, Mass-Hole.
Major Announcement Forthcoming
Evil and I are locked in a room right now with a major new talent, trying to ink him to a multi-post deal...the federal reserve has just entered the room and is pressing us to get a deal done before the opening bell on Monday.
(Wow, these guys are suddenly interfering in everything...gotta fight off that recession.)
After we get this deal done, we're going after this girl. Check out what she says starting at the 6 minute mark. WHAT A PERFORMER!
Friday, March 21, 2008
Interesting (or not)
A few weeks ago, I noticed Evil went to drinks with a TA we shared. I thought nothing of it. It took me a while to remember the TA and once I did, I remembered that I thought he we was a self hating Latino.
Later, I noticed that Evil started an email correspondence with with another Latino from our University days, a guy I sort of liked. In fact I did not cut him off for quite some time. I remember exactly when I did though. Kentak3 and I went to dinner with him and about 1/3 of the way through, no one had anything to say. My brother, not comfortable with silence, pulled out a deck of cards and shuffled...for what felt like an eternity, but was at most an hour. Kentak3 and I agreed this was not a good use of our time and stopped meeting up with this cat for dinner.
This week, Evil got all these people in an email chain along with me and another fellow, who's claim to fame was sitting in a computer lab eating bags of chips till he fell asleep at a terminal.
It seems Evil is trying to get together a crew of CS people we went to college with. The question is, why? What is his game? I don't think he's spoken to any of these people since University. I once bore witness to Evil assuming the persona of a wrestler the Hurricane and infuriating a former coworker who he had not spoken to in several years. What drama is he hoping to create?
I have a theory. I think for possibly the first time in his life, my brother is comfortable in his own skin. It's true and I'm happy for him. The question that remains is - what are the implications? What am I being invited along to bear witness to? Maybe I'm just a prop? Here's the worst case scenario, as near as I can figure it:
Evil shows up to dinner, at say Kobe Club, in a Ferragamo tie and his transition lens and rubbing his success in everyone's face.
"Oh, you're still programming? Why hasn't someone like xtian figured out how to outsource you to India yet?" He will ask while staring at his well manicured nails.
I shudder at the thought.
I wonder how long this will go on? Who else will fall prey? PDM? JoDo? I swear to god Evil, if I find myself at a dinner party sitting across from Jizzy Bae, you and I will have problems.
At what point do we switch gears and start focusing on the cute two cute girls who majored in CS - the one with the good feet and the one with the nice smile. Call me for that party.
Scenes From My Cameraphone
Evil
Guess who sat two rows in front of me on my flight from New York to Ft. Lauderdale? Geraldine Ferraro! Surprisingly, she sat in coach. In a middle seat, no less. Poor Geraldine Ferraro. Maybe she would have gotten upgraded if she were black. Because everyone knows that blacks in this country have all the luck.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Scenes From My Cameraphone
Evil
Check out this cuh-raaaaaay-zee old lady that I spotted at Starbucks. Not only did she fall asleep in public, she's got a cart full of plastic bags and random papers.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
The iPhone Girl
Evil
“I was inclined to kiss you,” she wrote in her email. I had asked her to clarify whether it was she who kissed me, or I who kissed her. And that was her response. Although she prefaced it with a suggestion that it matters little who initiated the kiss.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Clarification!
Evil
Here on The Hose, it's not always easy to tell the difference between reality and imagination. Such is the subtle beauty of our blog. But I need to clarify a piece of fact: I AM NOT considering buying those stupid Transitions lenses. XTIAN made that up.
I did, however, buy a couple of Ferragamo ties recently. What's the problem with that? Most of my dress shoes are from Ferragamo too.
I choose me !?!?!?!
A few months ago, I was in bed feeling insecure. I said something that reflected this insecurity. The woman next to me said, sarcastically,
"yeah you're so ugly."
"i know"
"You're crazy. Also, you don't believe that. You are completely comfortable naked. if you did believe that you would not be so comfortable"
A few weeks ago, I went to a benefit to raise money for my little cousins' cycling team. Their grandfather is now married to the woman who was the head guidance councilor at my high school when I was there. We spent a few minutes speaking. Later, she went up to my aunt and started remarking how attractive and nice I was and how it was shocking that I had evolved into such a man from the stoner/goth wannabe of my youth. At one point my aunt had to tell her to calm down as she was so worked up by my awesomeness.
When I was 22, I got drunk, and declared to Sparkes: "Screw these flighty b*tches. I am going to be the most awesome 30 year old ever" and i set about the business of making that true. I stopped weighing 300lbs, I spent an inordinate amount of time on hair and manicuring. I developed a "look" - clothing wise, that is professional, modern, youthful and vaguely rebellious. I pretty much did everything except get it thru my demented head that I could no longer be compared to silent bob or the comic book guy from the Simpsons.
When I first met ET #2, I spent an inordinate amount of time fishing for complements. She was would call BS often and say things like "You're fishing for compliments". Tough love, your name is ET #2.
I was recently telling all this to my mother, and blaming her for never encouraging me to believe in myself. She labored through the conversation before admitting that it was really hard to be a mother to such a headcase, she then handed me off to my father, who could not be bothered to hear my complaints and compared himself favorably to Rudolph Valentino before hanging up.
Random Rules For Social Acceptability
Evil
Was on the R train the other night. It wasn't very crowded, so it was easy to spot a guy sitting on one of those two-seaters in the corner. He was flailing his hands feverishly. He was air drumming, much like the guy in the above video. He looked like a total tool, but I think in his own mind, he must have thought he looked pretty cool.
Why is "air drumming" socially acceptable anyway? The rules for this stuff seem random to me. Like, if you saw some dude on the subway wailing on air guitar, you'd be like, that's crazy.
At the office, once in a while, I see people practicing their golf swing... sans golf club. So I guess you can say it's "air golf." But dude, no one does any "air dribbling," "air running back," or "air stealing second base."
I mentioned this to XTIAN the other day, and he immediately asked why "air masturbation" (including making the "ooooooooooo" face) isn't more acceptable.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Transitions Lenses
Evil
Have you seen the commercials for Transitions lenses? They're the glasses lenses that automatically darken when exposed to sunlight. So when you're indoors, they're regular glasses. But when you're out in the sun, they're sunglasses.
Do you know anyone who owns Transitions lenses? If you do, I have an important question to ask you all... Is that person a douche bag or what? The way I figure, you pretty much need to be a major douche to be so pretentious as to own these stupid lenses.
We Both Love And Hate XTIAN's Looks
Evil
This poll result is pretty amazing. When it comes to XTIAN's looks, the hosers are very polarized! And look how symmetrical the results were: a perfect mirror image.
As it turns out, 25% of you felt that XTIAN is basically on par with George Clooney, Brad Pitt, and James Dean. BUT... on the other hand, just as many of you felt that XTIAN should be wearing a bag over his head so as not to scare small children and sighted women. There was little middle ground, with "average Joe" getting the least number of votes.
How are we supposed to interpret these poll results? Is it totally inconclusive or are there any nuggets of insight to be gained here?
The Road To Damascus
Evil
I've had a change of heart. Now, I believe. Obama is real. His movement and his message are real. He speaks of hope in a voice that seems hardly to come from a man of ordinary flesh.
I might be going away for the next 5 weeks or so. My friend the AY is taking time off from her job to set up an Obama office in western Pennsylvania, a little bit outside Erie. I think I'm going to go with her to help the movement. Pennsylvania is going to be a bloody fight. Obama is strong in the cities, like Philly and Pittsburgh. But the more rural areas are Hillary country and Obama's people are still low on organization there. I think helping to set up this office can make a big difference. Obama's trailing in PA, but I think he can win it. I've gotta believe. We've all gotta believe.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Happy Birthday To Me!
Evil
Hey, thanks everyone for sending me all those birthday gifts. I haven't actually received any of them yet, but I bet they're just in the mail. Can't wait til I get home tonight! Wooo! It's great to have so many adoring fans.
BTW- Check out this video that my nephew made for me.
Too cute!
Monday, March 10, 2008
What's The Plan, Stan?
Evil
According to The Mystery Method, an accomplished pickup artist should be able to "close the deal" with about 7 total hours of interaction with a girl. That could be over any number of dates... one long 7-hour date (unlikely) or plenty of short 1-hour interactions (unlikely too). The reality is probably somewhere in between, but the real point is that it takes a certain amount of time for a girl to become comfortable enough with a guy to be accepting of him.
Since I have an engineering background, these numerical guidelines resonate well with me. But this specific 7-hour thing has me a little flummoxed. You see, I feel as though I only have about 4 hours of good material in me. Don't get me wrong, the first 4 hours of material includes some pretty spectacular stuff. You should see me on first dates -- I tell interesting stories, I listen, I read body language, I can get a girl to initiate casual physical contact.
At around the 4 hour mark, I start to get a little nervous. My material is not as tested. Sometimes not tested at all. And if you've ever seen me ad lib with XTIAN, you know it can be hit or miss. It's hard for me to accept the fact that I don't have much more than 4 hours of interesting material. It's a fact about me that I don't particularly like. After all, I'm over 30 years old. You'd think that I'd have more good stories to tell.
Ask Mamacita (The Series)
Evil
Dear Mamacita,
As one of the very few people I know who's in a loving and stable relationship, can you share something with us? How long after you met KenTak3 did you first get the sense that he could be the one? Was it love at first sight?
Thanks,
Evil
Poll Results - I am Turtle
You guys think I should be turtle to Evil's "Vince". I'm ok being the funny comic relief. That suits me well. I'm a bit tall, but whatever...My question is, Is Evil good looking enough to be Vince? I think not. Further, somehow, Evil has even less charisma than Adrian Grenier. I know, I know, its hard to do but Evil does it!!
I have nothing to say to the deviants who think I would be good at smelling like baby powder in a bikini and high heels
Sunday, March 09, 2008
Making New Friends
I made a new friend this week. About a month ago, Evil and I went trolling for chicks when we ended up at a bar at the lower east side with a large group of people we did not know. After some drinking and an abortive attempt at Jenga, a very tall, very attractive woman spilled wine all over me and my sweater. While I was bloching it out in the restroom. Evil came up and suggested we use this opportunity to leave and find beef patties.
A few days later, I got an email from this woman apologizing profusely and offering to buy me a sweater. I resisted initially then finally relented. Over the course of our emailing, we started sharing our hopes and fears and generally bonding in a legimate way....
After some missed attempts we had lunch this past Friday. A three hour lunch, it was great. She dressed like Lilly Van der Wootsen as an homage to our favorite show, Gossip Girl. I dressed like a guy who has a lot of sex. That's how I always dress. Initially, she brought a friend, as a body guard I suppose. But within twenty minutes she excused herself, once she realized the coast was clear. I got my sweater too. It's great, I'm wearing it now.
I like her, she's funny. Also she finds me charming. New friends! top that
I have recounted this story a few times without any irony. Some think she is into me, some think she is strange, others wonder if I like her.
Honestly, it's none of these...except maybe that we are both weird. I mean we were both really excited about having lunch with someone we did not know. I think it was just a great lunch...that stuff happens all the time...it does to me anyway...
Disappointed and Confused
Many of you know that I have recently learned to play golf. KenTak3's love of the game inspired me to take lessons. I have several golf skorts and a pink hat. Further, I know how much Kentak enjoys going to the driving range with Evil, X-tian, and hopes that someday Mr. Shoulders will come along too.
I thought that golf players were serene, cerebral, and kind people, concentrating on mastering complex skills and appreciating very green scenery.
Did anyone else see this article, and is there any reasonable explanation? Do you all partake in these shenanigans at the driving range, but keep missing the birds?
Do I look like this guy?
Do you guys think I look like this guy?
I'll tell you why I ask. I was at L' Express on Friday hanging out, waiting for a friend. As I stepped outside to make a phone call I saw a table of men point at me. I thought that a bit odd, but not that outlandish. Maybe he was just into my glasses. That happens to me quite a bit.
When I returned the guy ran up and asked if I was on the Colbert Report the night prior..."you're that writer right?"
I admitted I was not and hand no idea what he was talking about, but I was intrigued. Yesterday I hit the colbert report website
and noticed that the guest all night on thursday was john legend...what a blowhard...we get it, you went to penn and you have opinions. Stop troubling us with them.
Anyway, he could not have been referring to John. I've stood next to him. He's much shorter than me. But on Wednesday, the author of "Mongrels, Orphans and Vagabonds..." was on the show.
Was this a racist question? Should I be offended? Or do I actually look like this guy?
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
Getting Political
Fashion Advice for Evil
I'm finally getting around to answering Evil's post below "How Many Pairs Of Shoes Should A Man Have?" Others may have the same question, but I have to warn you: this really needs to be tailored per person. For Evil, the magic number is 9.
Evil: for the office, you need need to keep a stash of nice shoes, and then get 1 or 2 semi-nice pairs for transit to and from the office. You might not be as career successful as ET#2 who has room for a shoe drawer at work, but that's okay. We can still work something out.
You need 2 pairs (one brown and one black) for transit. Then in the office, you need to store 2 pairs of black of differing styles and 1 more brown. I'm leaning a bit more toward black as the dominant color since it will unlikely compete with your choice of very ecletic and colorful office attire.
At home, you can have 1 pair of boots (like cowboy boots), athletic sneakers, and then cool sneakers (not for athletics) like Pumas or Pradas. Finally, you should get 1 pair of mandles. These are man-sandles, where you slide your foot right in and perfect for summer, which is right around the corner. Check D&G.
Evil, I hope this helps and you will soon have happy feet. And, yes, I'm available for consultation for anyone else.
Monday, March 03, 2008
Sunday, March 02, 2008
Hoboken St. Patrick's Day
10am in Hoboken on the first Saturday of march is when the drinking start. The City of Hoboken has a small parade to honor St. Patrick that seems to start around 9:30. Then the families take cover and the town gets invaded by wave after of wave of mid-twenty somethings looking for a bender. Everyone seems to be from a big ten school btw. No one can tell me why.
Like everyone, I like a good pub crawl but this stuff is out of control. I mean what the hell?
- First, I went to meet some mates at a bar. They tried to charge me a twenty dollar cover and also made me stand in line for 30 minutes....for a pub..in hoboken???!!? what?
- Walking down Washington, some dude gets tossed out of a bar and hits the ground hard. I reach down to give him a hand up, he refuses rather violently. I let him fall...screw him...
- On the path into the City, I watched a guy open some chewing tobacco and stick it in his mouth, he had no cup to catch the refuse. He just spit it on the ground.
Are you kidding me?
Glad that's over...come on people
Was This A Reverse Vote?
Evil
Come on, now!!! You Hosers are a funny bunch, lemme tell ya. I appreciate a good sense of humor and you've sure got one. Good one, on the recent poll. So you all think Mr. Shoulders is gonna get married next, huh? Surely, you were inspired by the American Idol-related Vote For the Worst website.
Seriously, the poll turned out in the exact reverse order of what reasonable people would, umm, reason. Mr. Shoulders is certainly not gonna get married first. He's gonna be last! He can't navigate himself into a woman's heart even with a GPS, compass, road map, wireless earpiece, and salary in the top 1% of Americans. Poor Mr. Shoulders.
And you voted for Evil Twin #1 as the second to get married. Serious? Evil Twin #2 doesn't even WANT to get married. So she wouldn't be second... she'd be second to last. (Mr. Shoulders is still the picture of ineptitude.)
At the tail end, with only 1 solitary vote, you had Evil Twin #2. Hmm... odd, considering that Evil Twin #2 is the only person on that list currently in a long term, stable relationship. Or any relationship, for that matter. I'm gonna call it: Evil Twin #2 is next! Her bachelorette party is going to be out of control.
How Many Pairs Of Shoes Should A Man Have?
Evil
Hey Mamacita, thanks for giving me the rundown of how many pairs of shoes (and of what type, and where they should be kept) a man should have. But I was totally... err... not mentally coherent when you were telling me. Can you review? Please? And I figure it would be useful on The Hose, since others will benefit from the knowledge too.
Saturday, March 01, 2008
Like Our Friend Corky, We're All Winners Inside
Evil
A big thank you to our new friend Adrienne for hosting the Oscars party this year. The party was great, although my Oscar ballot was the complete opposite. With only 5 correct answers, I came in tied for last... with XTIAN! At least I had an excuse... I had only seen 1 of the movies nominated this year (Gone Baby, Gone) whereas XTIAN had seen about 75% of them.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Am I Retarded?
Evil
This is a new(ish) Obama video. Watching videos like this just makes me mad. Honestly, have we crossed the line from support to idol worship? What's with the "Obama. Obama. Obama. Obama. Obama..." chant in the background of this video? Seems almost like individual thought, conviction and passion have grotesquely transformed into a mass orgy of groupthink. I refuse to vote for Obama, but I will vote for the Borg.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
To The Man And His Baby On The Subway...
F-YOU! You suck!
You know who you are. You got onto the 1 train at 96th street, same as me. Except that you were right in front of me, with your stupid baby in his stupid stroller. And you're an idiot because you couldn't even maneuver it right. So you barely got onto the train before the doors closed, and since I was behind you, it was an even closer call for me. Luckily, I had the wherewithal to give you a shove in the back so I could make it in.
And you got off at 50th street, also my stop. And yet again you were in front of me, gingerly pushing and twisting the stroller with your kid in it. Did you feel another shove in the back as the doors were closing? That was me, motherf-er.
Listen, unless you are poor (and you did not look poor, based on your clothes and more importantly, your kid's clothes), there's no excuse for not getting an SUV and driving your kid around instead of taking him on the subway. How inconsiderate of you to inconvenience us all like that, just so you can save a few bucks on gas.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Do You Really Know What You Want?
Evil
Back in the day, when I was still in university, there was a saying around campus:
"Barnard to bed, but Columbia to wed."
Barnard, being the all-girls sister school to Columbia University. The implication, clearly, is that there are some people who you want to have a good time with, but other people who you want to keep for the long run.
I've been thinking about this recently as I've been watching the Obama phenomenon unfold. I have a theory:
Obama is the Barnard girl
Right now, it feels cool to support Obama. It feels good. You might even say, with all your heart, that it feels right. To be totally honest, I don't know why I am getting so worked up over this Obama thing, because I am not particularly political. I am not even a registered Democrat. (Or a registered Republican, for that matter. I registered "no party" in New York State.)
I don't know what it is that has me feeling this way. Maybe it's my befuddlement over how so many people are swept up in rosy words and promises. Am I a cynic? Maybe it's my inherent nature to root for the underdog, which Hillary has become. I am not a woman, but I feel like women are letting Hillary down. She's the first credible female candidate for president -- and who knows when the next one will come along? If it were 50 years from now -- two-plus generations from now! -- I would not be surprised. But women and men alike, right now, seem to have "bed" on their mind. Not "wed."
Here is the irony: Obama is going to win the Democratic nomination. The contrarian in me will just have to accept it. But Obama will go on to the general election to face John McCain. And then the American public will take a look at the two candidates, as starkly different as they are, and ask:
"Obama to bed, or McCain to wed?"
And they'll come to their senses and go for McCain. And then we're stuck with a crazy old man in the White House for the next four years, or more.
Post-script: But what about the 2012 election, you ask? Surely, Obama will storm back and claim the presidency. He'll have another 4 years of experience. He'll be that much stronger! No. You see, in four years time, Obama will be old news. He'll no longer be the agent of change. He'll no longer be the fresh new face that the public adores. We will know too much about him. We will have seen his warts. He will be just another Washington insider. I don't like my choices in this election. I think I'm gonna go for Nader.
Date or Die: Spring Time Edition
I'm about to start up date or die again in the spring...watch out...i'm in the gym working out like a maniac...
Me and the Mamacita down by the schoolyard
Everyone knows I (heart) the Mamacita right?
I think she's fun and occasionally funny. Also, I am fairly certain she is quite fond of me, unlike Mr. Shoulders or even Evil, who I think she just tolerates for KenTak3's sake. I am fairly high up there, not as high up there as Le Troisieme...but close.
Why then, we should ask, do I keep picking fights with her?
Why am I saying funny things like "Oh, that's just the Mamacita, she's been planning her wedding for two years!" or "Mamacita, we're thru!"
It's very sad and I want to make a public apology right here and now...
So what if she undermines me at a dinner party that I blow off because it's raining and I don't like getting wet.
So what if she takes Evil's side during his crazy passive/aggressive attacks on my character
These things don't matter...they really don't...these are minor things...let's be friends
I'm sorry Mamacita, I think I'm just being passive/aggressive because I don't want to replace my favorite android friend...
It's been hard enough trying to replace Sleeve with Killer B #1
Friday, February 22, 2008
Desperate Plea
KenTak3 has been playing doubles tennis Wii for several hours. He has two new friends he can't seem to separate from: a blond girl and stocky guy in green shirt. I don't think he knows I am home.
Help. Can someone please call here and ask to speak with KenTak3? Just chat with him about sports or gadgets. I just need a few minutes break from the swip, swip of the tennis balls.
ET#2, if you do it, I'll give you the Wii, and throw in the Carnival Games CD for free.
Getting To Know Chinese People
Evil
For those of you who have Chinese people fetishes and always want to learn more about us... here are some little tidbits of knowledge...
FACT: Chinese people are bad at the "air kiss" on the cheek. They'll actually kiss you on the cheek.
FACT: Almost all Chinese people have freckle-like birthmarks on one of their ass cheeks.
FACT: Chinese people are overwhelmingly for Hillary, over Obama.
Mismanagement Of The War Against Low College Rankings
Evil
Xtian, KenTak3, Mr. Shoulders, and I all went to the same college. We were in the engineering school, which was part of a larger university system. I had always fancied myself as someone who went to a good school. When I hear about cousins and family friends who went to state universities or (*cough*) city universities or even that crap ass not-worth-the-money school, NYU, I secretly and silently laugh at those people.
Recently, an earnest new hire from my alma mater's alumni office has been reaching out to its graduates. Her name is Kim. She pitches us a discussion over a cup of coffee. Do I have anything better to do? So I say yes.
I learn at lot about my alma mater from Kim. Like how they have a 10 year plan to move from #20 to #10 (or better) in the US News & World Report ranking of engineering schools. We're #20!?!? Holy crap! I can't even name 19 other engineering schools. But now I'm hearing that 19 of them are better than us. That blow.
Kim thanked me for my annual donations to the school fund. She asked me why I donate. Then I asked her why she asked that question. Turns out that the donation rate among alumni is only 15%. "50%?" I ask? "No, you heard right. I said 15%." For reference, a school like Stanford has a 60% donate rate. Why is my alma mater so shitty? Kim says they are going to do a phone drive this year. For the first time ever. EVER? Who has been running (or should I say, mismanaging) alumni relations all this time? Donald Rumsfeld?
I just got another email from the alumni office. They've invited me to a party! WOOO! See invite above. Hmm... lemme take a closer look at this. It's an engineering school alumni dance party.
How many engineers do you know who actually enjoy dancing? Especially guy engineers (75% of our class were dudes). Let me see that invite again... But oh! They are featuring a special guest at the dance party... the school's dean! DOH. This idea was embarrassingly conceived. They'd get a much better turnout if they proposed an engineering circle jerk while watching webcam spy video from one of the Barnard communal bathrooms.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
High-End Dining
Tonight I ordered take-out from this Italian place down the street. Minimum order for delivery is $15. It's just me since KenTak3 is "traveling for work" as usual and Bruno is on vacation at his grandparents in PA. Oh well. I get a pesto spaghetti dinner and small pizza - I'll eat the leftovers tomorrow.
Turns out, I don't have enough cash when Alessandro delivers the food.
Bzzzzzzzzz... (door buzzer rings)
Me: Alessandro, I don't have money. Can I walk to the ATM with you?
A: It's $24.37.
Me: I only have $20. Can I come to the store and charge on my credit card?
He volunteers to take my card and swipe it back at the restaurant.
Bzzzzzzzzz...
A: The minimum to charge on credit card is $35.
Me: Can't I come to the ATM with you? Or else walk to the store and charge on my credit card?
A: My English is not so well. The minimum to charge on credit card is $35.
Me: Can you bring me back a tiramisu too?
A: Tiramisu? I can charge on card?
Me: Yes.
Bzzzzzzzzz...
A: The minimum to charge on credit card is $35. (Hands me the receipt to sign. No tiramisu in sight.)
Me: Fine.
A: Fine?
Me: Goodbye.
So I ended up paying a 40% tip. Booo....! Does anyone want to come over for some leftovers? Must bring own dessert.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
It's Not You, It's Me...
Evil
As you may already know, I'm the type of person who loves religion much more than politics. But this Presidential election cycle's got me thinking. I heard an interesting quip on TV the other day, about the two remaining candidates in the Democratic race. It went like this...
"The Democratic race is down to two Senators. One Senator represents New York, but was born in Illinois. The other Senator represents Illinois, but was born in a manger!"
The comment was said in jest and probably with some sarcasm and spite thrown in too. But oddly, I think it reflects what I feel -- or more aptly, what I don't feel -- for Obama.
Obama is undeniably a phenomenon. He sweeps people, even the reasonable ones, off their feet. He inspires. But he doesn't do that to me. I feel nothing for Obama. Except for a bit of annoyance sometimes. At the downward inflections in his speech. When he speaks like that, he reminds me of a college professor who I didn't particularly like. My ambivalence for Obama confuses me. I feel as though an important cultural train has left the station. All the cool kids are on it, but I'm still standing in town. I see them roll out and no one is even waving back at me.
Maybe it's the contrarian in me, but I think I'm rooting against Obama. Anyone But Obama. ABO.... ABO...
Monday, February 18, 2008
Overheard At A Midtown Sushi Joint
Evil
Two people sitting at the bar of a midtown sushi joint. They are talking. The bartender is also engaged in their conversation.
Person 1: So is your BF going to do a make-up Valentines when he comes back to town?
Person 2: I don't think so.
Person 1: Well, if it doesn't work out with him, you can always marry Mihee.
Bartender: Is that a proposal I just heard?!
Person 2: No, I said "Mihee." Not "Me."
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Has Evil Gone Mad?
Now that Evil is back at work, I'm guessing he thinks he's all important and needs to be an adult again, instead of a clown. All this talk about hairless cats and dogs is making me nervous. Has he lost his mind? Also, now there's some random dog on the Hose over to the right - it's like he's forgotten who his real friends are (sniffle). When your life turns around, don't forget those who stuck by you when you were dirt.
I'm posting a little reminder to everyone:
Booya!
I was feeling a little stressed out today, so KenTak3 suggested I play Wii to relax. I'm not sure how genuine this was since he has been increasily playing himself in tennis at 3 AM as a break from doing work, and I think he just wanted to play against someone else. (What a tool.)
Anyway, he whoops my a&&, and after I get all huffy, we switch to bowling so I can beat him. Here are our record scores:
You can't see her in the crowd now, but at one point ET#1 was cheering for us.
Who wants to come over and play me again!? It was a feel good moment, but if you are having a crappy day, I will let you win. (Note on the above though: I beat KenTak3 - he didn't let me win.)
Friday, February 15, 2008
A Distributed Dear Abby
Evil
Yesterday was Valentine's Day. I hope everyone had a good one! I wonder if La Troisieme sent his signature white roses to any lucky ladies? I wonder if Evil Twin #1 and Steph had fun picking up guys. Post your Valentine's Day stories, people! Lazy.
Hey, I need some advice. Check out what I wrote to Evil Twin #2 yesterday:
From: Evil
To: Evil Twin #2
happy valentine's day!
hey, quick question... so you remember how i mentioned that [Xtian] and i are going to this wii party hosted by a friend of his? if big head and i go grab dinner before heading over to her place, would that be gay? after all, it IS valentine's day. so he and i would technically be having valentine's day dinner. what do you think?
And her response:
To: Evil
From: Evil Twin #2
can i come to dinner? then it won't be just the two of you...
That Evil Twin #2 is so squirrelly. She avoided answering the question! So I turn to you, loyal readers of The Hose. What do you think? Would it have been gay? Also, was it wrong of me to be worried about such a thing?
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Evil, Signing Off From The Grammys
Evil
I think I fell asleep an hour ago. I better sign off now. Especially since I have to go to work tomorrow!
Alicia Keys, Featuring John Mayer
Evil
Alicia Keys is performing "No One," featuring John Mayer. I wonder if Alicia Keys has ever featured John Mayer in her pants, if you know what I mean. I say yes. Damn! That lucky John Mayer. Why can't I be famous?
Aretha
Evil
Not to be hatin' or anything, because you know I love Aretha. One of the all time greats, no doubt. But damn! Aretha. Put on some clothes! Cover as much skin as humanly possible. Don't even expose an inch if you dont need to. Because, woman, you are not lookin' good. Not only are you fat, your fat has fat. Your fingers have cellulite. You can pinch an inch on your forehead. You're sweating cottage cheese. I'm getting high cholesterol just by watching you.
Selling Out?
Evil
They just introduced Ludacris as:
Chris Ludacris Bridges.
Why is he going with his real name now. And why does he look so clean cut? He looks like Eurkel could whip his ass. I think he's selling out. He wants to be in some mainstream movies, like Marky Mark.
Kanye please stop
I hate kanye....
Did you notice he claimed he saved hip hop? Has he seen a sound scan sheet lately?
Stop it...spare us...
also, why did he diss common...better album and a production credit on all of kanye's albums
He does get props for getting the producers to cut the music by starting to talk about his dead momma as they were about to give him the hook...
Still, I hate this dude
chris "ludacris" bridges??
Your Grammy Moment
Evil
They are doing this grassroots thing, My Grammy Moment, where they pick a regular person to play on the Grammys. The chick who won it is smoking hot. Her name is Ann Marie Calhoun. But she looks Asian. Xtian and I are trying to figure out of she was adopted by an Asian family or if she just married a white guy. The second option gets a big "booooo!" from me.
They are making her play with the Foo Fighters. All that noise is drowning out her violin. Why did they decide that having a violinist accompany the Foo Fighters was a good idea? They should have made her play Pants Off Dance Off.
Who Is That?
Evil
I'm not sure if I'm watching Tina Turner or some re-animation of Tina Turner's body. Science can do so much these days, but apparently, they still can't re-animate a body to make it move naturally. Tina Turner's re-animated body is stomping around the stage very ungracefully.
John Legend and Target
I think the deal John has signed with Target is pretty neat over all but i'm not going to explain why here...I'll do that on my competitive blog.
I have one question, the song they play in the commercial is one of his "new" tracks...but John..."Slow Dance" is just new set of lyrics over instrumental of one of the great old driving in a car song, "I do love you" by Ms. Barbara Mason...
Beyonce!
Evil
Are her legs getting large? Not that Beyonce isn't hot, but I'm just sayin'.
Excuse my while I take my pants off.
Hey Momma!
Kanye's moma died this year in case you are wondering why he is doing this older song...rest in peace kanye's momma....
Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger....
Kanye is doing Stronger...which is not a great song, except for the hook he lifted to Daft Punk's "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger"
It would be cool if the PUnk came out and did their gay, disco dancing french robot from the future schtick....
the weird neon glow off his glasses and his jacket is all manner of cool though
THERE THEY ARE! DAFT PUNK!
GAY DISCO DANCING FRENCH ROBOTS from the future unite!
Kayne?
Evil
Is that Kayne performing? Or Cyclops (aka Scott Summers)? I can't tell. Don't take off those glasses because his optic blasts might destroy half the audience.
Uh oh, Kayne is doing some sappy tribute to his mother, who died this year. Showing emotion is so weak.
Miley Cyrus...
not cute...
and not in the way that Hillary duff was not cute and now is, we all knew that was coming...Miley..just won't be hot
I'm glad Feist won...what she didn't Amy Winehouse? I hate that b*tch...she sucks...
Where the hell is Jason Bateman?? Why is he there? I hated his character in Juno...Oh he's here to introduce Foo Fighters...that makes no sense at all...he just called me a moron for not knowing that john paul jones was in Led Zepplin...what an ahole...
Hannah Montana!!!
Evil
Whoa, I think Hanna Montana just took a swipe at Cyndi Lauper. She just called Cyndi Lauper an old hag, by referring to how looooong ago she won her Grammy.
For the record, Cyndi Lauper does not look too bad for a woman her age.
Double whoa. Jason Bateman just came on stage. Why? And when are they bringing out Justine Bateman to sing her rendition of "Satisfaction"? I wonder why her Rolling Stones cover never hit it big.
Endless Beatle Melody...
Who are these people singing "Let It Be"?
I might be the only a**hole in this world who hates the McCartney stuff from the beatles catalogue. I find it all trite, you know...Is that blasphemous? I get the feeling that most of the world respects the stuff Lennon wrote, but prefer the poppy sensibilities that McCartney brought to the mix...
I like my art modern...shoot me...cooo cooo ca-chooo
Bizarre
Evil
I'm not understanding this Beatles performance. First of all, the Beatles aren't on stage. Some crazy circus freaks are doing their thing. It's like the Beatles meet Barnum & Bailey. Who green lighted this production? Hold on...
John Lennon's spirit just called. He couldn't chat long but he asked to make this production stop. He asked, instead, to have his songs be used on light beer and car commercials. Anything but this stupid thing on the Grammys right now.
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