Mismanagement Of The War Against Low College Rankings

Evil

Xtian, KenTak3, Mr. Shoulders, and I all went to the same college. We were in the engineering school, which was part of a larger university system. I had always fancied myself as someone who went to a good school. When I hear about cousins and family friends who went to state universities or (*cough*) city universities or even that crap ass not-worth-the-money school, NYU, I secretly and silently laugh at those people.

Recently, an earnest new hire from my alma mater's alumni office has been reaching out to its graduates. Her name is Kim. She pitches us a discussion over a cup of coffee. Do I have anything better to do? So I say yes.

I learn at lot about my alma mater from Kim. Like how they have a 10 year plan to move from #20 to #10 (or better) in the US News & World Report ranking of engineering schools. We're #20!?!? Holy crap! I can't even name 19 other engineering schools. But now I'm hearing that 19 of them are better than us. That blow.

Kim thanked me for my annual donations to the school fund. She asked me why I donate. Then I asked her why she asked that question. Turns out that the donation rate among alumni is only 15%. "50%?" I ask? "No, you heard right. I said 15%." For reference, a school like Stanford has a 60% donate rate. Why is my alma mater so shitty? Kim says they are going to do a phone drive this year. For the first time ever. EVER? Who has been running (or should I say, mismanaging) alumni relations all this time? Donald Rumsfeld?

I just got another email from the alumni office. They've invited me to a party! WOOO! See invite above. Hmm... lemme take a closer look at this. It's an engineering school alumni dance party.

How many engineers do you know who actually enjoy dancing? Especially guy engineers (75% of our class were dudes). Let me see that invite again... But oh! They are featuring a special guest at the dance party... the school's dean! DOH. This idea was embarrassingly conceived. They'd get a much better turnout if they proposed an engineering circle jerk while watching webcam spy video from one of the Barnard communal bathrooms.