Manolo Recaps Idol Gives Back

In my previous apartment, I had a built in entertainment center (picture shown) which though handy for all my crap, limited the size of my TV screen. I recently moved to a new place and first thing I did was to break down and buy a 52’’ LCD... Supposedly, you can see people Halle Berry and Jessica Alba in all their glory. On the other hand, you have to be careful you stay away from high def when watching people like Howard Stern or Keith Richards or Evil. Anyway, while waiting for my high-def porn shipment to arrive, I decided to watch one show stocked with celebrities to see how they looked. That lucky show was Idol Gives Back…

Since xTian and Evil are always talking about quality and about the high level of standard for The Hose, I found myself with the urge to do a recap in the spirit of Evil’s movie reviews or xTian’s live blogging about the Grammys (little secret between you and me, they are usually done from his bathroom)…

I wanted to get a feel for their style. You know, get the right amount of lameness so besides reading their stuff, I also read some of KillerB’s posts. I immediately fell asleep (reason why I am posting this today instead of last night). I didn’t get to finish watching the show live but thank goodness for my DVR. Is there anything that baby can’t do?

Anyway, below is my recap of Idol Gives Back. Please note that this is done in an Evil/xTian mindset….

-Show starts with some dancers, some of whom are amazingly hot. I wonder where they are from…People always have the hots for dancers. Think that they are going to move the same way when they are in bed. That is simply not true. I can’t dance for crap but I am a tiger in bed….grrrrrrr!!!! Idols are on the side of the stage. They clearly can’t compete with the dancers.

-They bring Nascar Champion Jimmy Johnson…good thing they tell me who he is because otherwise I would have been lost. Perhaps they should have told me he drives the Lowe’s car…

-George Lopez is trying to raise money from the Latino viewing audience. It is very unlikely that if you speak only Spanish, you will be watching American Idol. You are most likely watching Pasion, the tale of a woman who falls in love with the pirate that kidnapped her in XVIII Mexico. This is of course not true if you are a self-hating Latino like xTian.

-Kylie Minogue comes onstage….is she still a celebrity? She must have a new album coming out…

-Mariah Shriver goes on about how we are the ones we are waiting for. Reminds me of Obama and all his Obama-rama-ding-dongs…Anyway, she was wearing one of those blouses that under unusual or harsh lighting become see through. I was waiting for an Alex Kerry moment...and I have no idea why since I don’t think she is pretty. Oh wait, I know…ta-tas are ta-tas!!!

-Ben Stiller. I had a friend just like Ben Stiller’s character in Zoolander. I wonder what ever happened to him. One day he just stopped calling and writing. What’s even weirder is I still stay in touch with some of his sisters. They send me pictures, throw a sheep at me every so often on Facebook and give me the occasional life update (marriage, kids, etc) but no word whatsoever on their brother…I think Balls even sent him some pics of Baby Balls and still got no response…

-Jennifer Connely – I think she is so hot. Her eyebrows kind of freak me out so if we were to have sex, I would so avoid the face money shot. Oh by the way, she talks about getting clean drinking water for Africans…

-Snoop Dog performs with Charlie Wilson (don’t know who he is) – I love me some Snoopy Dog…guy is/was a hard core rapper…does a porno video but still comes across like a family man. I wonder if that diamond studded microphone is for real or if he has someone from his entourage just to bedazzle stuff…

-Kobe Bryant with probably huge zit on his face asks for money. Is he still married to Vanessa? I vaguely remember her being kind of hot…

-Triple H – Wrestling guy is a blast from the past. It makes me think back in the day when I shared an apt with xTian and Balls. You would not believe the girlish screams from xTian every time the Rock came on stage. And don’t forget about Balls. He would say over and over again “Can you smell what the Rock is cooking?”

-Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson - She looks short. If I were to have sex with her, I would really have to fight my deeply ingrained desire to partake in a game of midget tossing…They are talking about obese children which is funny given Randy’s hefty size. He seems to have lost some weight though…

-Carrie Underwood, Teri Hatcher and some plumber guy who is supposed to be her husband (Desperate Housewives?) – Didn’t watch American Idol the season Carrie Underwood won so I am not emotionally vested. She is kind of hot. Not my type though. I used to like Teri Hatcher back in the day when she was Lois. Teri goes onstage to sing with the Band from TV. I thought it was a joke and that Carrie Underwood was going to come out and sing but they are actually a band. Her breasts kept bouncing….they look real and they look spectacular – looks like she didn’t have any makeup though. She looks really old.

-Who the heck is Mary Murphy? Why is she so annoying? Reminds me of Evil….

-Don’t know who the Jonas brothers are! Are they the new Hanson? MMMBop!!!

-I don’t watch the Disney Channel but it seems that Miley Cyrus is pretty popular. Miley Cyrus and Billy Crystal have a schtick that goes on forever. I walk away to make myself a grilled cheese sandwich (hmmm, cheese) and they are still going back and forth…She sings something…

-Now they go to the studio where the Idols are manning the phones. They have Syesha Mercado front and center. She is remarkably cute given how ugly her folks are...it seems kids of mixed race always pick up the best traits of their parents. I had a huge crush on an Euroasian chick back in college. I have moved on…Anyway, Syesha lives in Miami so I will see if I track her down…maybe she can introduce me to Kristy Lee Cook or Carly Smithson.

-Bono comes on and talks about AIDS. He says they need more money. Who is he again? That guy should keep his glasses on…his eyes are freaking me out!

-Julianne Moore comes on asking for money. I have a thing for red heads and thought she was hot but my brand new TV shows her lip wrinkles. It leads me to count them as if they were tree rings and become quite the huge turnoff…

-Fergie comes out with John Legend. Never thought she was hot and the high def shows her with hairy arms. I am very choosy and I have a thing regarding hairy arms…this takes Fergie out of contention.

-Heart comes out. I don’t know a lot about pop culture and have no clue who they are. Fergie joins them in some leather pants. The whole time was spent looking for camel toe…

-John Cena is another wrestling dude. In the background, there was video of him in his wrestling glory. For the record, I was only looking checking his shirtless body to compare muscles.

-They are back to the studio where the Idols are manning the phones. I am thinking about donating so I can have phone sex with Amanda Overmyer.

-Adam sandler looks like he is 40…that guy is falling apart…at least comb your hair. He reminds me of xTian (the falling apart part).

-Peyton and Eli Maning talk about New Orleans. I can’t say anything about Eli…the guy wins a Super Bowl for my New York Giants while slaying the Patriots. Suck it Boston!!!

-Damn that high definition signal. David Beckman is flawless. I guess there is something to say for metrosexuality (are Metrosexuals still around? Do they prefer a different name? Hey xTian, let me know)…Victoria on the other hand is as skinny as a toothpick and her big head is not proportionate to her body…reminds me of xTian as well…

-Annie Lenox is crying on a video and then comes onstage to sing like nothing happened. I have no idea who she was so I googled her. “Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This).” Woooooo! Now I know…

-Kiefer Sutherland – Love me Jack Bauer. Besides, I can’t say anything about him…that guy will track me down and waterboard me…by the way, who is down to go watch Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay?

-A clip of Celine Dion in Africa…that woman is all bones…I think some of the money will go to feed her…

- Jimmy Kimmel – He starts making fun of Simon and his man boobs. I see that guy and think of Sarah Silverman. I think she would be a wild cat in bed with all the cursing and bad language…

-They cut to a montage of Simon Cowell in NYC in a medical mobile that provides assistance to children without health insurance…Nothing to add here except that they could have used a more photogenic family…They cut back to him on the studio asking for money.

-Carrie Underwood goes onstage. As stated before, I never saw an episode from her season so I probably have only seen her 2-3 times on TV. Know some of her songs though. A LOT of close ups. I guess they know who they can zoom in with high def…

-Whoppi Goldberg asks for money. I noticed the tattoo by her breast…I wonder if she has a tramp stamp too…

-Ellen Degeneres pretends to be Oprah asking for money…

-Gloria Estefan comes out with Sheila E on drums (no clue who the latter is). I remember one time Gloria was one of the mentors and I think it was one of the worst shows ever. Sheila E knocks down the cymbals so just stays with the drums for the rest of the set

-Speak of the devil, there is Sarah Silverman. She is not that pretty but still willing to try the sex thingie. Also, malaria is not funny!

-Now we cut to Forrest Whitaker and his wife with a story about a little girl with malaria. Mosquito nets to prevent…is that so hard? Ooh….the Prime Minister of Great Britain Gordon Brown pledges to purchase 20 million mosquito nets for Africa…impressive but disappointing at the same time because all these governments pledge money and they fail to follow thru. Not to say anything about George W. Bush but I am always impressed at how eloquently British politicians speak. I need to double check if CSPAN still carry parliamentary debates…

-Keith Urban asks for money…

-Reese Witherspoon…I loved her on Election…she has a very pointy chin though…will have to deduct a point…

-The Idols perform “Seasons of Love.” Only reason I know it is because I recently saw the movie version of Rent. Has anyone seen Kids, Rosario Dawson’s first movie? Hard core stuff….I digress though…

-Dane Cook comes on…I never thought this guy was funny…I don’t understand how some people become famous and make tons of money while I toil day to day to make ends meet…

-Alicia Keys is in Africa. She is hot…man, I sound like Paris Hilton…

-Ashley Tisdale and Vanessa Hudgens come on TV asking for money. Apparently, they are from the movie High School Musical. It seems I am missing a whole demographic. Time to start watching Disney….

-Speaking of Disney, Miley is back…does she have a new CD coming out? The whole show was about her…I think she stole Fergie’s pants….and Evil, she is 15…don’t go checking for camel toe…

-There is a montage of Billy Ray and Miley in rural Kentucky...Don’t go breaking my achy breaky heart….that guy is smart….riding the gravy train once again!!!

-Robin Williams comes out as the winner of Russian Idol…Is he trying to be Yakov Smirnoff? Simon is not amused…Neither am I!

-Rob Schneider – another comedian asking for money…

-Tyra Banks – does anybody watch her show besides xTian? By the way, “giving to charity is “fierce”

-David Spade – Hahaha….his whole 10 seconds onstage was to introduce Brad Pitt…reminds me of xTian and Evil’s relationship…

-They kept announcing Brad Pitt for the past 2 months, and all he did was to be on a short clip about Katrina for about 3 seconds…Besides, Katrina is so 2 years ago…Yes we know, Bush doesn’t care about black people…

-Brad Pitt comes onstage and got huge cheers. His mike didn’t work …more cheers...waiting to get a new one…okay…what is he going to say? He goes on to introduce Chris Daughtry who is then shown in a video of himself in Uganda…

That’s it…seems “Idol Gives Back” when longer than its allotted 2 ½ hours and my Tivo stopped recording…

Besides, all this typing should have pushed my enemies' posts beyond the first page...