The Hose

Evil
SATURDAY OBSERVATIONS

One. My friend called to say she's running a little late and I say no sweat, I'll be waiting for you at 70th and Lex. I brought a book with me, some John Cheever because I am trying to be a more serious person, and I lean against the corner of a building to begin on chapter 4. Of course, I don't lean on the corner itself because who wants the corner of a building pointing right into your back; I lean against one of the flats but very close to the corner and before I am two paragraphs into chapter 4, people are running in to me. Sometimes they say sorry and sometimes I say sorry, but it is clear that both parties are annoyed, where the "sorry" is really a proxy for "fuck you, dickwad." I am thinking to myself, who are these people that they need to cut the corner so close? Are they Jeff Gordon? This is New York City and it seems to me that cutting a corner so closely is a dangerous proposition, I mean, someone, anyone, could easily have built a little wooden jig, stuck oh, a bayonette in it, and stationed it snugly at the corner of a block. I'm pretty sure that people would impale themselves at the rate of one a minute. I might toss this idea to one of those hidden camera shows.

Two. I can't get the terrorists out of my mind... specifically, those al-Qaeda training videos that they show on the news, where terrorist trainees are running an obstacle course in a desert somewhere, you know those videos, right?, and you've seen the part where the trainees are doing the monkey bars, right? MONKEY BARS? I can't get over how training on monkey bars is so unpractical for today's terrorism. I mean, when was the last time you, or anyone, had to navigate a set of monkey bars in New York City? The way I figure it, they should set up some subway turn-styles to duck under, some police barricades to hop over, and for good measure, a maze of velvet ropes to weave in and out of. Or whatever.

Three. Huge props to SLEAVE for really knowing how to throw a party on a roof. I am pretty sure I freaked out at least two girls there (WHY? I wish I knew!) but I managed to make it thru the nite without getting punched in the face. Which is not to say that EVERYONE was so lucky. SLEAVE has pictures! After my failed attempts at conversation with the C programmer girl from the Museum of Natural History and the girl wearing a t-shirt that had her own face on it ("Oh wait, that's NOT a picture of you?"... "No, it's not. You can't tell?"... "No".... "Are you serious?"... "Yes"... "Wow"... "Well, all white people look alike to me."), I found a better audience with some dude who might or might not have been Uday Hussein in a tan blazer.