we might need a clarification: is it sleave or sleeve? Or is just evolving over time, like language in general? Very nice

Festa Junina
I want to tell you all about my saturday but its a blur, I remember the part about running in the park and I remember walking into a clothing store and nearly getting talked into buying a shirt that was too small in the shoulders from the hotest girl ever with red highlights. I also recall starting the evening with myself and the Charles River Bandit hustling out of the house and heading to some chick's apartment in Morumbi. It should be pointed out that everyone here lives with their parents till they get married. I mention this not because it is relevant to my story but rather because its one of those interesting cultural differences which is subtle but kind of important. She is the friend of a friend of CRB's and we were all (me, CRB, his friend, and his friend's friend) going to go to a Festa Junina Party at a country club that someone was a member of. What is Festa Junina you ask? Well, it seems like it can best be described as a Hoe Down or something, right down to the honky talk band. There are also a lot of people walking around in stentsons and what not (although more than once I was amused to see people wearing Titlest golf hats and trying to fit in. hah! Country club people across the world unite). I asked repeated what Fest Junina was about and I got all sorts of answers from "some sort of celebration of a saint" to "a typical brazilian party that people in the country celebrate" to "it comes from the north" to "the celebration of the saint of weddings either Paulo or Antonio" to finally "I really don't know". The point was I was at a country club at a hoe down and there was square dancing and everything and at one point I turned to myself and said "christian, you are having great fun and all, but this is a hoe down in a country club. When did you sell out?" and i turned back to myself and said "friend, I sold out a long time ago. Kick back and enjoy it, babe". I then stepped away from the mirror and bought some hot wine. Again, I noticed with glee when the crowd roared as the music switched between Creedance Clearwater Revival towards Chubby Checker and then the music lost all consistency, which was fine by me.

After a while, I noticed things were awkward, then I realized it was just me. People here are all about random eye contact. People are always making eye contact. Looking across the dance floor you can make eye contact 10 times and it means nothing. Very odd. By 3, the event was dying down and we decided to investigate another party which was occuring near my place, someone had closed off the court yard and was having a huge party to celebrate the same event. It was great fun, but I was exhausted. PDA is pretty common by the way and CRB pointed it out to me constantly. I started taking note of some of it hoping to spy some girl on girl action. Instead i spotted this one incredibly tall, kinda of chubby girl making out with this dude quite intensely and jamming her hands down her pants. WOW! What!? Crazy. around 430 I realized I was almost asleep on my feet drinking hot wine and found my other party friends sitting somewhere near the stage, probably contemplating their pained feet. We agreed we were thru and that was it.

Evil
SATURDAY OBSERVATIONS

One. My friend called to say she's running a little late and I say no sweat, I'll be waiting for you at 70th and Lex. I brought a book with me, some John Cheever because I am trying to be a more serious person, and I lean against the corner of a building to begin on chapter 4. Of course, I don't lean on the corner itself because who wants the corner of a building pointing right into your back; I lean against one of the flats but very close to the corner and before I am two paragraphs into chapter 4, people are running in to me. Sometimes they say sorry and sometimes I say sorry, but it is clear that both parties are annoyed, where the "sorry" is really a proxy for "fuck you, dickwad." I am thinking to myself, who are these people that they need to cut the corner so close? Are they Jeff Gordon? This is New York City and it seems to me that cutting a corner so closely is a dangerous proposition, I mean, someone, anyone, could easily have built a little wooden jig, stuck oh, a bayonette in it, and stationed it snugly at the corner of a block. I'm pretty sure that people would impale themselves at the rate of one a minute. I might toss this idea to one of those hidden camera shows.

Two. I can't get the terrorists out of my mind... specifically, those al-Qaeda training videos that they show on the news, where terrorist trainees are running an obstacle course in a desert somewhere, you know those videos, right?, and you've seen the part where the trainees are doing the monkey bars, right? MONKEY BARS? I can't get over how training on monkey bars is so unpractical for today's terrorism. I mean, when was the last time you, or anyone, had to navigate a set of monkey bars in New York City? The way I figure it, they should set up some subway turn-styles to duck under, some police barricades to hop over, and for good measure, a maze of velvet ropes to weave in and out of. Or whatever.

Three. Huge props to SLEAVE for really knowing how to throw a party on a roof. I am pretty sure I freaked out at least two girls there (WHY? I wish I knew!) but I managed to make it thru the nite without getting punched in the face. Which is not to say that EVERYONE was so lucky. SLEAVE has pictures! After my failed attempts at conversation with the C programmer girl from the Museum of Natural History and the girl wearing a t-shirt that had her own face on it ("Oh wait, that's NOT a picture of you?"... "No, it's not. You can't tell?"... "No".... "Are you serious?"... "Yes"... "Wow"... "Well, all white people look alike to me."), I found a better audience with some dude who might or might not have been Uday Hussein in a tan blazer.

Falling apart over time

For those of you who are wondering what I am talking about...






Obviously, I might be in a mini dip this week, for unknown reason... Shout to Sleeve for helping out.....

Open questions
How many points do you loose off the Falling Apart Index if you start crying during a repeat of the season finale of Gilmore Girls

Say you cut yourself shaving in the morning (a lot, and for no reason at all...you almost loose a pint of blood) and you start blaming your dad (who is know in some circles as the Crazy Conejo Man) responsible for not teaching you how to shave, do you loose points off the FA Index for that?

Snoop gone Wild

Snoop and "Girls Gone Wild" have ended their relationship. Apparenlty, Snoop is angry they aren't giving sisters enough love. I agree with Snoop, however I am unsure how many sisters there are in Panama City Florida...Also, I dunno, someone might have to fix me on this, but I am pretty sure that being a woman of color would prevent you from being white trash. Thank god for www.BangBus.com, which takes diversity much more seriously. Read about it here

Hammered

Last night, Endeavor had a happy hour and I rolled in with the boss. I knocked back about 8 choppis and sat there picking at some meat grilling on a little grill in front of me. I am going to guess its called Poquino, but i am unsure. All the eMBAs were there so it was pretty easy to get hammered. I was still a little hung over from the 7 Ciapirinhas (with sake and Kiwi, yum, yes its quite a poofy drink...leave me alone) from the night before so drinking was no where near as good an idea as I thought. Some chick there pretended she knew me from somewhere and I was only able to play along for about 5 minutes because i was drunk and had never been to San Diego. Eventuallly the Santos v Boca match came on and i watched some brazilians and argentinians call each other putas for 2 hours. I staggered out of the bar around 1230 with the Charles River Bandit in tow as we were walking towards a McDonalds (btw, McDonalds F*CK U!! for being where ever I get drunk...) The scene in the parking lot was straight out of the 2FAST 2FURIOUS so we decided to skip it. I staggered back to the hotel and had a rather loud conversation in poor portuguese with the bell hop about getting a fold out bed for my bud. That did not work out and i ended up on my couch watching some public access porn. I fell asleep thinking this was exactly what living in NY was like for 4 years and got slightly sad.

This morning I woke up slightly nasueus and kind of laughing at the Charles River Bandit, who passed out on my floor. I meditate on the fact that sleeping on floors and eating after midnight are cause to lose 5-10 pts a piece in the FA Index. I would also like to point out to sleave that whip its etc should be about a 25 pt deduction.

Evil
I've had a lot on my mind lately and one of those things is canned tuna fish. There's been a can of Bumblebee sitting on top of fridge for the last three months. I can't remember how it got there in the first place but all I know is that it looks a little out of place and that kind of stuff tends to bother me more than it would bother your average person. But even so, I never worked up the energy to move the can into the cupboard.

My apartment has been in the process of running out of food for a week now. It's like the fuel gauge in your car... it can be on "E" but you know there's gotta be something left. It's all a matter of degrees until you're really REALLY out. In the past week, I've found myself being quite pleased at scrounging up goodies like: half a bag of dried cranberries, a bar of semi-sweet baking chocolate, some pine nuts, a Powerbar, 4 slices of bacon, and almost an entire Chorizo. Good deal!

Today, I figured out that actually eating the contents of the tuna fish can would be a Win-Win: I wouldn’t need to fret over moving it any more... and also, I would be eating something. But then it occurred to me: HOW DOES THE TUNA STAY FRESH IN THAT CAN??? I mean, it's about 93 degrees and humid today. And also, it's FISH. Surely, that's not a good combination. I opened the can and sure enough, it smelled and tasted good as new. Who knew??? HOW DO THEY DO THAT? I am currently baffled by this situation.

(Note: This was written yesterday but I couldn't post it because Blogger was down.)

So apparently, Alien Ant Farm busted in on the BET Video Music Awards to film their new video "Fish out of Water". MTV has the story here. Pretty funny, imagine if it was the Source Awards, would ish have gone down?

Evil
Just because I haven't posted today (until now), you might be relieved to know it's not because I couldn't muster enough motivation to roll out of bed. I assure you, I wasn't curled into the fetal position all morning and afternoon listening to Stern, followed by The Michael Kay Show on 1050am, followed by Mike and the Mad Dog on WFAN. That was yesterday. Today, my God Fearing Indian Friend is in town from Philly so we met up for breakfast. I wasted little time in hitting her up for Friendster friend-of-a-friend linkage, but all she gave me was a dirty look when I asked her if Jesus Christ is on her friends list. I need to link up to a better group of friends because judging by my current crew, you'd easily mistaken the site for Clownster or something to that effect.

(BTW- I had more to say about the COB's metrosexuality --HAHAHA-- but my original post was lost because either Blogger or God, or both, hates me.)

BTW, if you are on Friendster so am I. Link up Yo!

MetroSexual and Proud

I have gotten this article from this past Sunday's NY Times emailed to me three times so far. It was funny the first time then began to approach insulting. Guys, I have socks with holes in them. I can show you! Anyway, I figured I would share thoughts. Apparently, everyone has assigned me to this customer segment and after much internal debate I now embrace this non-gay definition of me. What is a metrosexual? Apparently its just a dude who doesnt think sweatpants are appropriate for any given occasion. It has nothing to do with sexuality, so the name is probably ill suited. Anyway, like I said nothing to do with sexuality so straight guys like me (and gay guys like EVIL) can all be part of the team.

The article lists the Bumpasaurus' boyfriend, Mr Posh Spice aka David Beckham, as the poster child of this crowd. Meanwhile, if you want a closer look a this crowd, you should check in with Sparkes. He is clearly ahead of me in line...

Evil


Somebody shoot me, please.

Wanted to send this official email announcing the birth of my son, Charles William Elliott. He was born on June 19 at 8:30 in the morning. He weighed in at a hefty 8 pounds 15 ounces and was 21 inches long. To those of you outside the loop, this has been a long anticipated event. I am very happy to have him here and I wait anxiously for the day when he will start to look like me. As it stands, he is currently a combination of Nicole and the mailman we had back east. Needless to say, I will be monitoring this situation closely. For those of you who know me best, you might want to save some cash for my bail…..just in case. He has shown strong signs of being an Elliott though. Just a few minutes ago, he blew his pamper out in a way only a shit taking connoisseur like my self could appreciate. Plus the fact that he keeps strange hours and always wants to suck on some titties. So, eat, shit suck titties then sleep. Yeah, we sound related.

Again for those of you outside the loop, I’m currently residing in Southern California (Not LA) and living a suburban lifestyle. It’s a nice change form the city and I spend most the majority of the time trying to convince my neighbors that the property values of their condos are not decreasing due to the fact that I’ve moved into the neighborhood but because the country as whole is going through a bad patch. But seriously, for the most part people have been nice. I’ve managed to find some friends who feel comfortable enough around me to say that they’d like to, ‘see a brother out on a surfboard’. I’m guessing they have yet to receive a copy of ‘Your new black friend’ I suspect that the post office too is going through a bad patch. For those of you who know me (especially Ed) you know that the chances of seeing me on a surfboard is just as likely as seeing a Yeti. By the way, I saw one. It’s currently hiding out in NYC. Nicole won’t let me capture it. Damn her, we could use that reward money.

I plan to chronicle my adventures out here. I just have to have some. I’m not sure, but I think it might mean my leaving the house.


Later, you people.

Evil
At one point while we were seniors in college, the COB pointed out to me that had we chosen to major in IEOR instead of CS, we could have done a Visual Arts minor on the side and STILL come out of college with the same job offers that we had. I blame this all on my academic advisor. A GOOD academic advisor should have said something like this:

Evil (freshman year): I'm thinking of majoring in CS.
Advisor: Okay?... Don't you want any poontang, kid? CS is good and all, but I'm just sayin'...
Evil: There's no coochie in CS?
Advisor: Well, there are, but they're all Orthodox Jewish poon. I don't think you're gonna get near any of that stuff.
Evil: I also want a good job when I graduate.
Advisor: IEOR, kid. Go IEOR.
Evil: I can get some in IEOR?
Advisor: No. But that's where the Visual Arts minor comes in. Those girls will do you in the name of art. And they're pretty smokin' too.
Evil: NICE. (You can also replace Evil with the COB in this conversation. Everything would probably go the same, except, instead of saying "NICE" the COB would do the head nod and scratch his chin.)

Why am I dredging up this old stuff? It's not because I'm bitter (HAHAHA). Actually, it's because I came up with this great idea and I'm applying for a grant from the National Endowment of the Arts to carry through with it. Picture this...

Every day for the next 3 years, I will take a picture of myself. Naturally, over time, the pictures will show me falling apart in various and sometimes disturbing ways. HOWEVER, when I display the pictures, I will arrange then in reverse chronological order. The viewer will think that I'm actually putting myself together... but after the last (really the first) picture, there will be some note about the reverse order. I think that's powerful stuff. In anticipation of receiving the NEA grant, I'm running out and buying a beret.

Is NO ONE disturbed by this? Is Ashton Kutcher dating Demi or her daught Rumor? What gives? Where is the uproar? A few months ago I read that Demi spent 200K in cosmetic surgery, after seeing the trailer for Charlies Angels Full Throttle yesterday in front of2 Fast 2 Furious Yesterday I could see where it all went, she looked amazing but damn, she's still 40 and he's still the dude who "created" Punk'd and was in Dude, Where's my car. I just realized that I am not sure who in this whole thing is disturbing me more.

Evil
Is anyone else freaking out over their Heaven application? I'm actually putting some decent work into this thing because the last thing I want is to be wait-listed. Hate being in limbo like that. Not really sure what to do about the recommendations. One needs to come from a direct ancestor. Both my parents hate me. One needs to come from a peer. All my friends hate me (after all, I don't have "real friends," like some people). In any event, I am padding the Good Deeds sections by passing along this public service announcement of the day...

If your legs are ever sore, say after a workout or a run, and you find yourself in CVS looking to buy a hot water bottle to loosen up the muscles, be sure to look carefully at the packaging of the hot water bottle:

See? The first one is a regular hot water bottle. The second one is a very similar looking thing, except that it's a DOUCHE and ENEMA kit. DUDE. NOW WHAT???

Congrats to Frank and Sorie (my uncle and his wife) on their second kid. here is the blow by blow from the Bumpasaurus
(read from the bottom up). As is often the case, my brother and father come out looking like a later day laurel and hardy. if I was there I would also have contributed to the clownery but I would have been more subtle and funnier.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wednesday, June 18 2003 01:50 pm
From: Bumpasaurus
To: XTian
Subject: Re: the plan

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

no...it wasnt her water...it was already on the floor..and she went down...i originally thought it was her water that's why i took off in the other direction when i noticed her lying on the floor...my dad was at the entrance when she was being wheeled out complaining about how he wouldnt have bought her milk if he knew she was going to fall and being carted off to the hospital...he tried to go back and return it but i forced him out the door with a visibly shaken ali [Frank and Sorie's 7 year old(???) daughter] on my arm..he then made a joke about how Paco was gonna be angry at sorie [for not being careful and busting her butt while 9 months pregnant i guess - christian] with ali in the backseat..hahahahah

classic
------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: XTian
To: Bumpasaurus
Sent: Tuesday, June 17, 2003 11:49 AM
Subject: Re: the plan
------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Deleted Section]
I talked to my buddy who traveled with me to rio and we both had some sort of mild food poisoning. I am recovering. I am fine, just a little light headed. drinking some water. no biggie..am trying to eat right now, seems to be going ok

So did her water break and then she slipped on it? what a clown? thats wacky stuff.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Bumpasaurus
To: XTian
Sent: Tuesday, June 17 2003 08:25 AM
Subject: Re: the plan
------------------------------------------------------------------------
[deleted section]
she also says to get to a doctor because she thinks you are sick..i told her you had sars, and she freaked out on me then i told you had monkey pox and she stormed out of
the room...sorie had her baby 7:15 am on monday morning..the lil runt came out like 6 pounds 3 ounces...these people do not know how to bear children ...where's the 9 lb baby my mom can pound out...anyway...if mommy didnt tell you sunday sorie fell on some " i dont know ...some kind of wet water" and had to be taken to the hospital from there..me and my mom, grandma, and paco had a big laugh about the "wet water" part...after that he went to the hospital

Evil
Yo, that is CRAZY!!!

Evil
As much as I want it to be like 1998 again, it's clear that things have changed. Mr. Shoulders got his nickname because back in the day, he could easily be mistaken for an Indian Tim Hardaway, built like a bull and flashing a killer crossover. To my surprise, Mr. Shoulders comes back from London all trimmed down. Don't get me wrong --he's not gayishly thin, like an ex-collegiate-swimmer we might know-- just lean and mean. Actually, just lean. What happened to the meanness? The rage against women? The white-knuckled fist cocked and ready to knock the lipstick right off someone's face? This was a new Mr. Shoulders and I demanded to know why:

"Are you just off your game tonite?" I asked.
"No... I'm not really into this scene anymore," he told me.
"Are you GAY?"
He replied with a calm "No," and nothing more.

WHAT? Where is the defensive "Nooooo!" following by the crazy flexing of the shoulders and delts a la The Hulkster? I need to get to the bottom of this. My going theory is that Mr. Shoulders now has a Knightsbridge or South Kensington young lady that he answers to. Everyone reading this should help full court press the issue.

Its good to see that 3/4 of Team Rachel is getting together in NY. Give Manolo's best to the bouncers at Flashdancers.

To this day, the most disturbing evening I have ever had (where no one actually got hurt or called me a bad person anyway) was the night myself and EVIL walked into Mr Shoulder's dorm room in Furnald Hall to watch the HBO film "Gia" starring a young and pre-freaky Angelina Joile. To recap it went something like this

[disturbing rape scene...Gia is trying to score heroin and gets raped and punched in the stomach]
Mr Shoulders [fist pumping in the air, screaming at the top of his lungs]: Yeah thats what she gets...

[EVIL and X-tian shoot either looks and try to find the nearest exit]

who cheers rape scenes? very odd....

Completely Unrelated
I ate something that did a number on my stomach a few days ago. Yesterday it was so bad I had to go home early and pass out. I had something of a fever dream I figure I would share it now

The dream is me, more or less, in my parents old home in Perth Amboy, which has somehow been moved to Florida. I am in some sort of state, trying to get myself organized because I am moving apartments in NY of all places. Somehow or another my apartment in Astoria has ended up in Washington Heights, along with my roommates...and when I finally get back to the apartment I realize that it is completely empty because I moved out some time ago.


What? What?

Evil


Mr. Shoulders is in town. Ladies of NYC, watch out! Hanging out with Mr. Shoulders reminds me of Swingers sometimes.

MIKE: She didn't like me anyway.
TRENT: She thought you were money.
MIKE: I don't think so.
TRENT: I heard them talking. They both thought you were money.
MIKE: Yeah, a good friend.
TRENT: Baby, you take your self out of the game. You start talking to them about puppy dogs and ice cream, of course it's gonna be on the friend tip.

I guess the moral of the story here is that you should always look to paperbag a girl's head, and if she's a heroin freak, then it's OK to punch her in the stomach too. I learned that from Mr. Shoulders.

Evil
Even though I am Someone Who Is Falling Apart, I still find time to enjoy watching other people throw away their dignity. Thank goodness for reality TV. Did anyone else catch Anything For Love on FOX last nite? Man, those people were train wrecks. For SWIFA, this stuff is better than heroin.

Speaking of falling apart, I picked up How To Lose Friends and Alienate People from the bookstore today. It's a memoir about some dude who goes thru a rough patch. From the back cover:

High-flying British journalist Toby Young set out for New York to become a contributing editor at Vanity Fair. Other Brits had taken Manhattan, so why couldn't he?

But things didn't go according to plan. Within the space of two years he was fired from Vanity Fair, banned from the most fashionable bar in the city, and couldn't get a date for love or money. Even the local AA group wanted nothing to do with him.

------
Toby Young was born in 1963. In the course of his career as a journalist he has been fired from a succession of prestigous newspapers and magazines, including the Times of London, the Guardian, the Independent, and Vanity Fair. He lives in London.

Lastly, and completely unrelated, I just want to mention that as I was walking thru the park today, I saw two dogs humping ferociously.

i forgot to mention something odd I saw. Last night I went to get a haircut. The barber realized that my portuguese was pretty bad and we would not be chatting very much, so he handed me a stack of brazilian playboys to read while he cut. One thing I noticed is that blonde women dont all shave their legs here. Some might bleach them (???) because its very light. I noticed this the other day while going up SugarLoaf and mentioned as much to CRB, who agreed he had seen it before. Once I saw it in Playboy, I figured that it must be pretty normal. Which is odd I think, not because I got some issue or whatever, but because isn't a brazilian wax a very intensive process to remove a lot of hair from certain areas? I assumed it was named so because people in brazil came up with the process. If this is the case, then wouldn't leg shaving be far more prominent? I dunno...whatever....


As an FYI, my haircut doesn't not resemble Joey Tribianni right now. Considering the language barrier myself and marquoz had to overcome I will chalk that up as a win.

I just read that sopranos won't start again till March. That's very strange because I thought the whole reason it started so late last year was because it was plotting the next two seasons of the show. This vexes me. I personally like the idea of starting the show within a year of the end of the season preceding it. I dunno that just might be me. Any momentum generated by the season before is basically disappaited. Do I have to go watch the season before in the weeks leading up to the new season? Will the new season pick up 18 months after Tony and Carmela decide to get a divorce? There are teen type people on that show, AJ might be 22 or something at the end of next season, how will that get explained? Very odd....

Evil
Hi everyone. I hope everyone had a good weekend being that it was Father's Day and how nice it must be to have a father who loves you. OOPS, nipping potential digression early on. That's not what I wanted to post about. What I wanted to say is...

The block that I live on is pretty low key and out of the way. Aside from a small row of pre-wars, there is a Korean dry cleaner, an auto body shop, and a depot for the city street cleaning trucks. You've seen the street cleaning trucks in New York, right? They are the hulking vehicles with spinning brushes and a water spritzer on the underside. I peeked inside the depot one day and was impressed by the complex structure of ramps needed to house all those street cleaning trucks in a relatively small space. What I can't figure out is... with all the street cleaning trucks leaving and re-entering my block, why is my street SO FREAKING DIRTY? And I don't just mean messy. I've been to Big Head's Washington Heights digs. His street was messy by virtue of having uncollected garbage bags everywhere, but it wasn't necessarily dirty. My street is legitimately dirty, with a thick coating of dirty and grime on the street. Why? Why? My street is dirtier than Christina Aguilera. It's a mystery. If anyone can get to the bottom of this, there might be a doctorial thesis in it for you.

BTW- Does the sports moratorium cover professional wrestling? Because, you know, wrestling is officially "sports entertainment." Wooooooo! WHAT? Wooooooooo! WHAT?

BTW, SPORTS MORATORIUM in effect for 30 days. The last thing I want is google to start spitting out CNNSI ads on this site. Only stories about falling apart personally(EVIL), moody laments about being a new parent (CHUCK) or whatever Danny the Bumpasaurus and manolo want to chat about allowed..

Notes from Rio Trip
Got on a friday nite plane from SP to Rio de Janerio (pronounced HEE-O JANERO) on a TAM flight (pronounced TA) operated by VARIG (pronounced VARGI....someone shoot me). Me and the Charles River Bandit (CBR for short) checked into the Excelsior Copacaba and then went looking for eats, we started walking the wrong way and came across a bunch of hookers, which i guess amused the concierge when we ran back to the hotel because she was lauging at us. I ate far too much Sushi and Rodizio at this place in Ipanema and got ripped off of 2 incredibly strong Ciapiriahas (sp?) The next day we hooked up with CRB's friends and did typical touristy stuff (Corcovado, Pao de Azucar etc)

One funny side note, the crowd at this club we were at, almost started roaring with enthusiasm whent he DJ popped on Rick Ashtley. I suspect that brazilians in general, though great fans of american pop culture have no sense of american kitsch. No one seemed terribly amused by my "Rick Ashtley/Miguel Cruz" shoulder dance with finger snaps, maybe I need to be wearing a sports coat which I could pull down to elbows for added effect. Oddly enough, X-tian's game is just as limited in the southern hemisphere as it is in the northern one. I did not bust out the "do you find my american passport sexy" move though, thats next.

While going up sugar loaf i found myself starring at a chick that jordan from G string Divas hot. CRB promptly pointed out that she might be 14 years old and suddenly I realized that there may yet be a place for the BEF COUNTER (FYI BEF COUNTER:00000000000000000000)

Evil

OPEN LETTER TO MY FRIENDS
I hate you all. I wish I had "real friends," like Mr. Shoulders does. How many times have I casually mentioned that "I'm going to drink myself into a hole"? People, I am practically begging for an intervention here. Let me recap for you yesterday's shenanigans:

1. Woke up at around noon.
2. Ate a piece of bread. The label read "Packaged on May 30." Yesterday was June 12. WHAT?
3. Ran 10 miles.
4. Rushed over to Columbia to crash the business school's Thursday night happy hour at Uris Hall.
5. Quickly downed 4 beers. (Free beer. Woooo!) Should have eaten more than just a piece of bread during the day.
6. Went home and stumbled into bed.
7. Woke up repeatedly in the middle of the night due to being bitten by bed mites. This is what happens when you wash the sheets but dont actually put the sheets back on the bed for 5 days (and running).

Just to recap... Friends: you suck. Hahahha.

CRAZY ARTICLE DISSIN RJ HERE.

(after the finals there will be a 1 month sports moratorium...no sports specific comments for a month)

Heading to Campinas in the AM with the boss and then flying to Rio with the Charles River Bandit (CRB) in the evening....write more from the consulat in Rio after i got robbed by a cab driver!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Hose
I think impacted feces is allieviated by running marathons. Apparently people loose control of their bowels at the 15 mile marker. Don't get too attached to your shorts.

There is this guy I know...maybe I am related to him...maybe not. The one fight he has been in that I know about was with a dude that had just finished running a marathon. Apparently, the dude got clocked. There is a life lesson in there for anyone who thinks EVIL runs his mouth off in the fantasy baseball league.

EVIL, you should give up this wack dream of selling enterprise software and pursue your life dream of reviewing talk radio shows.

I don't think this site is GT3 yet

GT3=Gayer Than The Toneys

Evil
Getting a late start today. I spent the morning lying in bed and listening to Stern, which has really started to disturb me lately. They keep running this commercial for the Puristat Internal Body Cleanser. They run that commercial during every break and every time I hear it, I start fretting about what impacted feces matter might or might not be lodged in my intestines. I hate that commercial. It's accelerating my mental breakdown.

A few other thoughts for the day:

1. Yo Big Head, when did I write off the Nets? This is your revisionist history at work again. Check your IM logs. Or maybe you were confused, because I might have been writing off the Knicks all week.

2. Has anyone else noticed that Art Howe says the gayest things? During spring training, he was talking to a group of reporters and said something like, "Have you touched Mo [Vaughn]? He's completely hard." Silence from all the reporters, after which, Howe laughed it off. And just yesterday, I was listening to Mike and the Mad Dog. It went something like this:

Mike: Hey Art, let's start with the good news first. How 'bout that kid Reyes?
Art: He's something, isn't he?
Mike: Well, we know one thing... He sure is fast.
Art: He sure is. And how 'bout his hose?

I was like, WHAT? Mike and Mad Dog didn't know what to make of this either. Apprently, "his hose" was a reference to his throwing arm. DUDE... I've never heard that term used before. I'm just going to assume it was a gay Freudian slip.

3. Has anyone noticed the ads at the top of this site? In case you didn't already know, those ads are powered by Google's "Content Targeting Advertising" feature. Google's ad engine tries to determine what this site is all about and place relevant ads. So far, it looks like this site is confusing the heck out of Google. I'm just waiting for the gay-related ads to come on because, let's face it, it's just a matter of time.

4. On a personal note... Results of the NYC Marathon entry lottery were posted yesterday and I am in. Wooooo. Does anyone know how long a marathon is? I should probably find out at some point.

Yo Chuck, you in NYC? I am. And I am not generally busy except for drinking myself into a hole and lamenting about being in a rough patch. Other that, I am just chillin.

The Ship Not be Sinking!!
Everyone (well mostly guys named Evil and Chuck) have been writing off the Nets all week...The series was set to be 3-1 and over. There were all the fans on their feet unsure whether to cheer, wearing retro Dr J, ABA style Nets jerseys that you can get at the jersey gardens mall a stones throw away, with the tags still on in case the Nets lost. But there was Richard Jefferson playing above the rim, put on afro on him and I confuse him for a young Dr. J, put a stutter on him and I confuse him for Michael Ray Ricardson(pre coke head version) There was J Kidd dropping an almost triple double and chasing around that freaky limbed argentinian all around the court. There was Mutombo, all elbows and chest, doing what they traded the big weak white guy for him to do, moving Duncan and D Rob around under the basket, grabbing big rebounds and altering shots. There was K Mart, in one sequence getting blocked twice before finally getting the foul called, battling, wanting it more than anyone (shawn bradley?, Derrick Coleman? Joe Barry Carroll? Sam Bowie? Darryl "chocolate thunder" Dawkins?) than anyone who played in the paint at the meadowlands ever did.
Screw you CHUCK!!

I'd like to say that I'm honored to be apart of this Blog. To be among the likes of Evil (When are me going to meet dude?) and the great Chris is truely a great thing. Chris to honor you, I'm going to make my son a Nets fan. You think Jason Kidd's son will play sports?

woah, with the cussing.
ground rules!
(1) No cussing
(2) No quasi cussing
(3) no real names except mine or the proper name of the person making the entry.

Anyone notice this blog has degenerated into a bunch of commentaries on sports? I am waiting for Danny Barrera to jump on and start waxing poetic about his boyfriend (pictured Right). Where you at, Danny? Woooo!

Evil
While making my way to the Yankee game last nite, I found myself on a very crowded uptown 4 train because I managed to wedge into a little spot right near the door opening. Unfortunately, a rather rotund woman had the same idea so I ended up spending the ride with my front pressed against the hand rail of the two-seater, and my backside slathering against the sweaty big woman. Here's the thing tho... the hand rail was right against my bits and pieces, and with all the rubbing, there was some arousal happening. It felt a little inappropriate because the person sitting down was one of those hardcore Orthodox Jewish girls. She probably didn't appreciate having a thing that close to her face, but what was I supposed to do?

One observation from the game itself... I saw some dude wearing a Steve Balboni jersey. Damn. Which made me wonder real hard if that dude was Steve Balboni himself. I mean, really, who would own a Steve Balboni jersey anyway?

Evil


Everytime I see Jean-Sebastien Giguere on TV, I keep wanting him to say: "I'm just an Unfrozen Caveman Goalie. Your world confuses and frightens me!" And then he would skate onto the ice and make some highlight-reel saves.

Just to clear up my position in the SAMMY discussion below... If you re-read the original IM log, you'll notice that I'm an innocent bystander here. Someone with a big head is framing me in an unflattering light.

Woah, hey is Ashton Krutcher with Demi Moore? Is that like a publicity stunt or something for Demi's big screen comeback. Someone clarify stuff for me, I am stuck down here without E! Entertainment Television!

CHEO recently decided to put me and EVIL in our place about this whole Sammy Situation. It was well thought out and accurate (as opposed to most things posted on this blog) He seems a little worked up about this, but I suspect he had just read EVIL's recap of the Puerto Rican Day Parade and was momentarily bummed out about not being young and single anymore.Here is his response:
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: CHEO
TO: COB
Subject: Sammy Sosa

I recently read your little conversation about MLB being racist. I cannot believe in any way, shape, or form that MLB is to blame for all the Sammy backlash. I also cannot believe that men making 15 to 20 mil a year have any right to complain. Especially the two spoiled brats in Boston. They get everything they want and still there not happy. What Sammy did was wrong, PERIOD! He admitted it and he apologized for it. Yes, the media has blasted him for what he did.
He's Sammy Sosa. He's held to a higher standard. His fans have forgiven him and that's all that matters. Rick Reilly and Bill Madden are fools if they think his 505 home runs don't mean anything. But, they don't represent MLB. And as for Mark McGwire, the only reason he didn't get blasted was because Andro was legal in baseball at the time. Only the NBA, NFL, MLS and the NCAA had banned it. That makes it different. So, I think you and your boy EVIL there should calm down and not go overboard over all of this.
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I wonder what set him off? Actually he is right, we were being unclear. We (well at least me, EVIL is crazy I dont know what he is thinking ever) don't think Bud Selig is racist or anything, I thinking more of the reporters and other members of "the institution of baseball". Later, CHEO wrote me back and amended that "All the Dominicans in Amboy are crying bloody murder and it's pissing me off." HEH! Thats great. I think WEB should provide us with the Dominican view at his earliest convienence.

Dumb American Move of the Day

I just walked out of a pharmacy without buying what i needed. Honestly, does skin care lotion need to be in completely different bottles here? Everything I picked up said Shampoo, so i assumed i was holding shampoo and put it down. The real question though is, where is the lubriderm?

Christopher Reeve was AWESOME on that episode of Smallville! he played like Stephen Hawking or something, it was DISTURBING! The one where he tells Clark Kent that he is from Krypton. Although I am disturbed by the size of his head. What is up with that extra small head? Did we loose him in the amazon or something, did some indiginous cats get a hold of him?

Dude, blogger needs to add a polling applet or something because I got a question, who's pisses me off more? Nets head coach, Byron Scott or Rory's boyfriend Jess on Gilmore Girls? Email me your opinions and I will post results.

I'll give you the weekend update later today once I get it all straight in my head.

Evil Weekend Commentary

I ran into the Puerto Rican Day Parade today. Literally. One minute I was jogging toward the park on 72nd street and the next minute I am rubbing my hip region into some girl's ample rump at 72nd and 5th. Everyone was so distracted (What there a Ben Affleck float?) that I managed to work my way down a row of asses without getting punched in the face. Deciding to quit while I still have all my teeth, I attempt to get past the parade and into the park to bang out 8 miles (pauses typing to flex). I try to shimmy in between the police barricades but this one cop catches hold if this and jumps out in front of me with both hands up and shouts "Exit only! Exit only!" in a frantic and defensive way. I was like, WTF? The dude acted like I was trying to get into his rectum and not the park. What a tool.

On a related note... I saw this one guy hanging with his buddies and his girl. His buddies all had on matching Fubu "Puerto Rico" jerseys. His girl had on something sexy and skin tight, with "Puerto Rico" across her boobies region. But this dude... guess what he was wearing... an Alexi Yashin jersey. What? What?

What?

That guy is self hating.

Lastly, and completely unrelated, I accidentally caught a bit of the Tony Awards on TV tonight and saw Christopher Reeve present an award. Christopher Reeve, if you're reading this... I have a heartfelt plea: Fucking stop making public appearances! You are freaking me out to no end.You will give me bad dreams, you are THAT freaky.

Evil Halftime Commentary
It's halftime of the Nets-Spurs game. All I can say is: Holy shit! I saw the finger wag. Did everyone catch the finger wag?

SAMMY
Me and BEF had a conversation about Sammy Sosa today that pretty much sums up my feelings on the matter. Note how I draw BEF to my side by implying that caucasians are threatened by asian encroachment into baseball.

EVIL: conspiracy?
Christian: huh?
EVIL: "Last year, the first one standing up against me because he wanted a new face in baseball was [ESPN's] Peter Gammons," Martinez told the Courant. "[He was] standing up and saying, 'No, I'm going with Zito because we need a new face in baseball. We're tired of seeing the same Pedro on the team, the same face as Pedro all the time. We need a fresh face, a guy that plays guitar, is cute, a white Caucasian. We don't want the Latin [expletive] to be in front of the TV all the time.'
EVIL: "They campaigned against me for the Cy Young. It's the same [expletive] they're doing with Sammy."
Christian: i agree
Christian: manny ramirez broke his media silence to address these issues with the media
Christian: dude
Christian: mcguire got caught with Andro
Christian: and everyone still loved him
Christian: f***heads
EVIL: ha
Christian: i think its very clearly racism
Christian: baseball is very racist
Christian: its the only thing white guys have left
EVIL: right
EVIL: The Man
Christian: and the dominicans and the asians are taking it from them
Christian: f*** them
EVIL: a chick from DR won miss universe
EVIL: yo
Christian: she is legit HOT

Woah, wierd flash back thing. So i fell asleep on my glasses (Item #5 on the "Signs that Chris is approaching rock bottom" list) and today they feel a little loose. I am hoping i will fall asleep on them again tonite in a different way to bend them back into shape...so sad....as it were...they were sliding down my nose a bit and I took my index finger, straightened it and deliberately shoved my glasses back towards my forehead. I remember when i was about 15, I was at this thing called Upward Bound all summer. Anyway, myself Channon Johnson and David Pierre had a good time making fun of this teacher (Mr. Watson??? Danny, Diane?? little help) for doing something very similar. Anyway that memory just plowed thru my head as I did. Sigh, I am slowly approaching what I used to mock....that Sign #4 on the list of "Signs that prove you are aging", again SIGH.

As I have been saying all along, Jean-Sebastien Giguere is not very good. Not that I watched the game or understand hockey...

OH RIGHT, I forgot:
I think Lisa Marie Presley is really pretty. She is. It is odd that she looks like her dad, but I guess her dad makes for a cute chick. What can I say? Anyway, I don't really mind her songs either. But her performance last night during half time of the Nets-Spurs game was pretty unbearable. She has less personal charisma than Danny Barrera on Valium. She might well be a charismatic black hole.

First off, for Non basketball types, some at the NY Times wrote a hilarious review of Zootopia and Summer Jam X, those annoying clear channel sponsored concerts where they browbeat artists into performing for free in exchange for not pulling their songs from the playlist of a 1000 radio stations across the country. The end result is a bunch of unmotivated, no talents singing songs that I will be vaguely nostaglic for in about 10 year. Read that here.

Dude, R Jefferson killed me. Deke did his part, WORD! But someone needs to box the f*ck out of D Robinson (who would have thought that would have mattered). J Kidd will show up money time on the next game. Also, I think K Mart should be taking it to Duncan down low more. Match up problems are two ways.

How horrible was that loss to the Spurs? I am going to do what I do best and pass out the blame... I think we have to pin this loss on Richard Jefferson, who pulled a Van Horn and completely disappeared. The only Net who distinguished himself (in a good way) was Mutumbo. Diving all over the place like a young man. I was looking for the finger wag. That would have been key. The finger wag. That's what the Nets need in Game 2. By the way, who was wearing #50 for the Spurs? Was that David Robinson, or a young Bill Russell?

In unrelated news, some insect really bit me up in my sleep. I have bug bites all over. I also might have malaria, which is only fitting seeing as we've been getting rain forest-like weather lately.

JESERY BABY JERSEY

Check out the news.google.com right now and see how New Jersey is one of the most frequently searched news topics. The little known fact is that Drazen Petrovic and "The John Starks Theory" are 11 and 12 respectively.

This long wait between the conference finals and the NBA finals is really out of control...10 days for the Nets? 5 Days for the Spurs? Out of hand!

I just got a message asking me if I was available to interview for the Toronto Raptors Head Coaching job.

Jersey BABAY JERSEY!!!

Have you all noticed I am only from Jersey when either the Nets or the Devils are in the finals or there is a new season of the sopranos...otherwise i say "I'm from NY". As my cousin Diane put it, "its because you are a punk"

Late Start, just got out of a meeting sorry...
My mom called me last nite just to make sure I was alive and then hung up on me!

Figure I would do a little Nets Spurs preview for kicks....

The Nets will win if
Kerry Kittles is a bigger factor than Stephen Jackson and/or R Jefferson outplays Manu Ginobli
Rodney Rodgers drags Malik Rose outside to guard him (leaving the rebounding open for Kidd and K-Mart)
the Nets have a fast break advantage of +10

The Spurs will win if
Tim puts K-Mart in early foul trouble (and they have to dust off Deke)
Spurs have a +5 advantage on rebounds (=No Nets fast break)

I got the series going the distance with the Nets pulling a minor upset. K Mart,"The Bad Ass Yellow Boy" will have a huge series, Deke's elbow will be a major factor (10 minutes, 5 rebounds, 2 blocks and 6 fouls)

Double Parade in the PARKING LOT outside Continental Airlines Arena!!
How obvious is it that I am from Jersey?

this is great. Click here to read more...

Almost immediately after posting my comment about Mr. Shoulders and his emails, I get this. Is he trying to pull a Bob Ryan here or what?

From: Mr. Shoulders
To: "'Ken", "BEF"
CC: "xtian"
Subject: RE: Question about head size
Date: Mon, 2 Jun 2003 14:07:51 +0100

I wonder wht TJ's (J. Kidd's son) head size is going to be when he
grows up?

No news here to report - just working too hard.

-Mr. Shoulders


In other news, BEF and my brother, DAB might be joining the Barrera Blog team. No idea what that means yet, hopefully something good will happen but it will probably end badly.

I dont even want to touch last night's devils game. What a mess...

Dumb American Move of the Day - Muscle Memory
For some reason, here, (ALT-F, S) does not save i need to do (ALT-A, S) I am going nuts. I still have no idea where the apostrophe key is. My muscle memory is very ingrained. Someone shoot me..

Here is an email I got from BEF on friday.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: BEF
TO: barrera@haas.berkeley.edu
Subject: yo


Good to hear that you're still alive and not in jail or whatever. You should
have a counter on your blog that shows how many 16-and-under chicks you've
banged south of the equator.

....

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

First off, how incredibly inappropriate. My mom might be reading this blog. I am unsure. Clearly, BEF is a bad person (BEF, 10 bucks if you can figure out what BEF stands for?) Still its an intriguing idea. So...umm....Here it is the BEF Counter:

BEF COUNTER:0000000000

These updates are turning into the types of emails I used to get from Mr. Shoulders when he moved London. Typically the emails would start with a description of busy it is at work and end with a promise to do something interesting in London. I seem to be falling into the same pattern. How sad. Even I am yawning and i write these things.

Target Barrera

I spent this past weekend making a target of myself for pickpockets and other people that would try to take advantage of me. I spent saturday passed out under a tree in parque Ibirapura. That is pretty much how I spent most of my lost saturdays in Central Park when I lived in ny. Sunday I hit a street fair. I was primarily looking for a tour of the center of SP. Apparently, this tour had been cancelled some years ago and the Lonely Planet Guide failed to update (DAMN YOU LONELY PLANET!) So I walked around asking dumb questions and even managed to find to some ecuadorians playing those andien flutes. Have you ever noticed that ecuadorians are everywhere and they always have their flutes. While there I stumbled onto a Brazilian Hip Hop Festival which featured one group trying really hard to be Rage Against the Machine and another group trying really hard to be a tribe called quest. Anyway, apparently I fit in. Because at no point did any twelve year old try to stick me for my money