The x(Tian) Clan: The Return Part 2 : Hot Wet Bitches

The day my brother arrives, I am working from home with someone I spend far too much time with.

My brother walks in declaring Fantastic Four on the top of the agneda. Never mind that there is a rehearsel dinner that night. Never mind that we are hitting a strip club, never mind there is a wedding tomorrow. We gotta watch fantastic four.

The three of us nearly cry its so terrible.

Later, me and Baby bump stop at a hot dog stand in tribeca and wait for Uncle Boobie. Who is picking out flowers with his soon to be wife. We show up several hours late to the actual church rehearsal.

My brother nearly fights with the priest> I'm not sure if its because he can't tell him how to find the bathroom or because he tells the lil big head to stop complaining.

The more things change...

At the rehearsal dinner (which is outdoors) we eat more grilled meat than we know what to do with. The in-laws judge us for our eating habits. The Bumpasaurus makes it a point to suck the marrows out of every bone on his plate.

Domingo steps up, after downing half a bottle of rum, and calls me a punk. Domingo and I have had a special bond ever since he beat the shit of me with a bucket of baseballs in 1987. He is the arbitrar of tough love. He's tough on me and I love him for it. His logic was once again sound

"xTian, How can you as the best man be asleep at the wheel. Where are the strippers?"

Uncle Boobie's future father in law looks up from his steak with an arched eye brow. We pointedly act like he's not there, because his punk ass is irrelevant to this conversation.

"Fine lets go"

"Yes, we're all too drunk to drive. The bumpasaurus should drive"

"Agreed. he's drunk but young"

me, the bumpasaurus, domingo and frank the tank (boobie's brother) grab boobie and drag towards an unsuspecting SUV.

We spend the next several hours in a strip club. No one can find Boobie anywehre but someone hands domingo an out of control bill. Lord knows what he was up to. Domingo can barely stand and Frank (the Tank) can't stop laughing.

The Bumpasaurus can't stop laughing either. Only it's because I managed to spill a red bull all over myself and I am shining green.

As we wlak out of the strip club. A russian fellow pulls up to the club and loads all his russian white slaves (sorry I mean strippers) into his beat up Winebego. My uncles have a good laugh at how these woman are paying off their illegal immigrant status in NJ.

We deposit my uncles (boobie and Frank the Tank at Boobie's house) and depart with the cooler of beer and all the meat we could find.

We head over to Domingo's house. We got beer. We got meat we get down to it. At four am we're making Quesedillas, eating burgers, getting the drink on. Domingo is like "[Bump] this is the first time you're in my house. Let me show you around"

Bang, walk into the room my grandparents are in. Turn on the lights

Grandparents:"the hell?"

Domingo:"here are your grandparents!"

Bump:"right"

We go upstairs

Domingo:"this is my daughter's room" (flick the lights on)

Domingo's daughter: "are you guys a$$holes"

Me and Bumpasaurus: "HAHAHAHAHAHA" (in unison)

Bump: "where are my parents?"

Domingo (leading us into another room): "here" (Flick on the lights)

Domingo: "I need to find you guys the air mattress and you fuckers are going to sleep o nthem too. I spent all day in Wal Mart getting you air mattresses"


We walk into his bedroom. The lights come on

My Aunt: Godddamn you domingo what are you doing?

Domingo: Shhh...people are sleeping...

My mother walks in form some other room half groggy.

Mommy: "what are you idiots doing, laughing and following him around"

There is no good answer.

Domingo decides that his son is on the air mattress reserved for the Bump, and starts dragging him off by the leg. Monkey Boy Three is shrieking. Me and Bump continue to laugh like the monkey boys we are.

Later as we're filling up the air mattresses we have to endure Domingo diving head first into the mattresses and making the air pump fly across the room and onto an unsuspecting wall (several times) It's 530 by the time we're done.

...How are we going to get to this wedding at all?

The x(tian) Clan: The Return Part 1: Don't Rock the Boat!

Vanglorious!

It's been a big month for the blood of xTian. My dad's niece (yes, my cousin) had a daughter! My Mom's two baby brothers (my uncles) got married. Good Job and many more to all of them I say!

Of course all this hoopla needed to be frist hand by the 'rents and after much plodding and a ton frustrating disorganized logistical planning I was driving my cousin Paco's van to pick them up.

En route I thought it wise to ring my mom on the mobile and leave her a message letting her know to call me when she got off the plane...of course she picks up

mami, you cant pick up the phone while the plane is flying
mami: we're not flying
me: why not?
mami: I forgot your grandmother's ID and I dont want to talk about it (click)

the woman hung up on me! the hell!
I called my aunt, who was like "I know, she threw your father and [grandfather] on the plane by themselves and now she is waiting in Orlando with [your grandmother].

I sit in the airport with my grandfather and father and wonder what to do with them. We go on a death march and find some chinese food. It looks like my grandfather is bored. I have no idea what to do.

My little cousin calls me to inform me that the plane is on time
My brother calls me and informs me that the plane is delayed.

I can't trust either of these boobs to be right, so I call my aunt and ask her to check.

The outcome is even more disturbing. There are several possible flights they could have gotten on none have left the ground but all have pulled away from the gate. I am standing at Laguardia but its possible that my mother and grandmother could either be going to JFK or Newark.

Crying is something I consider doing. However, my grandfather don't need me crying. Should I cry he might have to beat me to a pulp. Getting the sh*t kicked out of me by a 95 year old man would be too much to bear.

Several hours later I track down my mother and grandmother who pleasantly get off the plane as if nothing is wrong.

I suggest my mother is a clown and she does not speak to me the whole ride to NJ.

It's going to be an interesting visit.

Jazzy jaff invades NYC

"Where did all these brown guys from?"

My roommate was looking down on me and I was wondering what he was doing in my room. Then I realized I was in the living room on the couch. I sat up and asked:

"Can you check if the guy sleeping in my bed is still alive?"

My roommate knew better than to acknowledge this request but pressed on, in the hopes of clarifying his own confusion...

"It looked for a second there like you weren't wearing any clothes" he said. He looked relieved that I was only wearing boxer shorts. I was just hoping my ying yang was not exposed.

The brown guys in reference were not me, I mean I do count as one brown guy, but my roommate should, by now, be used to my brown ass stumbling into the apartment, wasted, and making pillows out of my suit jacket on the floor.
The brown guys in reference were in fact Jazzy Jaff who was sleeping on the adjoining futon and Dr. Orgy (the doctor of love?) who was passed out in my bed.

How did we get to this point? Well Jazzy Jaff is one of my closer friends from Business School and Dr. Orgy is one of my closer friends from undergrad and we were all kicking it last night. Dr. Orgy celebrating finishing his residency and Jazzy Jaff was in NYC celebrating a recent BJ from a white chick (where da white women at? Holla!)

After dinner at my favorite gay cuban restaurant I took Jazzy Jaff over to Sin Sin to hang out and meet up with a crew. As Jazzy is Eritrian that means that all manner of cousins and people are going to come bounding in and lord knows where things will end up. One fellow showed up and managed to hit on 4 women en route to greeting his cousin. DA appeared and I was glad for it. Not knowing what D is up to has been a point of concern for me ever since he arrived in NY. I have on occasion stepped up and invited my nigerian brother out. But often an 11pm call will find him still working so I leave him be.

After bopping around Sin Sin for several hours and a surprise cameo appearance by Speed Racer aka The Marlboro Man appeared. During the 5 minute Marlboro Man interlude I proclaimed to him that I would be hooking up with the bartender. Marlboro Man who has been a convert to the xTian Church of Lunacy actually believes something will come of this and to that end leaves before the something that comes of it is me getting out on his ass on Avenue B.

There is a lot of discussion among the group of going to Babble or Bubble or Bobble in a few minutes. Neither I nor a recently arriving Dr. Orgy has any idea what Jazzy's cousin was going on about. The heat was unbearable, and I mean it was literally hot, i was sweating thru my shirt. As we left the bar I wrote my phone number on a the check i paid with my credit card and slimily winked at my potentially underage bartender. Surprisingly she didn't vomit...though it was touch and go for a while...

Later when we finally got to Babel (AH!) we realized we were in a Hooka bar full of hot middle eastern chicks. I went to work trolling the place and failing to make anything happen. La Tortura came on and actually fit the proceedings quite well.

Dr. Orgy came up with the right plan and suggested we get some weed. I had some, squirrelled away in the back of my freezer and we were off. we hit a cab and then walked some because like the over educated incredibly uppwardly mobile goofs that we were we had 4 dollars between us. In my apt we sparked doob in the heat and pontificated on when hip hop achieved perfection. After 5 minutes of debate we agreed right then and there that the releases of The Low End Theory and Midnight Marauders bookend the greatest era in hip hop. Happiness pervaded the room...

Dr. Orgy made an interesting point during this conversation

"xTian, you know what's wierd, your bullshit makes all sorts of sense when one is high"

I nearly kissed him, on the mouth! HARD!

(ok, no not really, but learning a universal truth that I make more sense when someone is under the influence of the green might be the key to me advancing with one of these trippy broads currently bisecting random parts of my life. So the kiss is hyperbole for a deep sense of gratitude not any actual gayness)

We then had a magically thought! We could recreate Harold and Kumar go to White Castle with me playing the part of straight laced Harold and he playing Kumar. We agreed right then and there to go to the White Castle on on 38th St. As we started walking it was suggested that we hit the Chelsea Papaya first and get some Chili Cheese Dogs. The idea of walking all the way up to 38th was not at all appealing but press on we did, past all the disturbing stuff, the trannies, the homeless the nasty New York Smelly Garbage.

At White Castles we rocked out to a 10 pack, the good dr's stomach turned as a mid-op tranny walked in, drunk with an exposed breast, i helped myself to his burgers. On the walk back to my apt he pointed out to me that his belly was expanding and it was, and I was disturbed that he felt the need to lift his shirt and expose his rapidly expanding belly.

Somewhere north of Penn Station he sat down on a booth normally reserved for flowers in front of a bodega. Not knowing what to do I ran inside to get him a ginger ale.

Later Orgy said that were he able to he would have shouted "Don't leave me again"

An allusion to an episode at Sharmin's (bar is SoHo from the late 90s) where I once left him puking at a table, as I went across the street and bought a pack of cloves, which I proceeeded to smoke while he sat inside vomiting. I was smoking at the time, mostly for effect...and mostly to avoid situations like that.

I did not abandom him tihs time, and i don't smoke. so I went and got him Ginger Ale, because the last time I went to the doctor (being sick) he gave me ginger ale, this was 1987 I believe...

I walked him back to my apt and let him sleep in my bed while I sprawled out on an incredible uncomfortable futon in my incredibly hot living room. Jazzy Jaff (walked in) and asked what was up, I said something about somthing being gay, and having lived with me for a year somewhat recently, took the comment at face value, shRugged and jumped on the adjoining futon...

My closing comment to him was that if Orgy died, Jazzy would have to help me dispose of body, and potentially kill his soon-to-be fiancee. Jaff, with his usual indifference, concurred and offered himself up, once more, to the righteous task of saving me from my own failings...

And that's how two brown guys ended up passed out in my apartment on one random friday night/saturday morning...

The Summer of (not) XTian

My summer has been decidedly not xtian centric. I honestly can't recall anything I have done for myself in the last six months. I am not sure what's up with that but it needs to change. Yes, totally.

Still that's not to say that my summer has not had its moments and I feel the need to recap some of them. So every other day this week I'll be dropping knowledge on my summer. Highlights will include:

- xTian and Orgy go to White Castle
- "xTian why are there two brown men passed out in our living room?"
- A series of unfortunate events (at a strip club) aka mama and papa Xtian visit xTian
-"Fuck xTian and his white linen pants"
- The Jersey Shore Invades Manhattan
- xTian meets up with 300 Indians in Salt Lake City
- xTian goes on an anti-Mormon Mission

RIP, Big Head

Evil

:(

Be Honest

Evil



I need to know something. I need to know! Am I like the Miles character from Sideways? Am I him? AM I HIM?!

Self-Destruction Hall Of Fame

Self-Destruction Hall Of Fame 

Manolo Gives You A Tip

If you are eating Tostitos and the Salsa falls on your shirt, tuck it in before you go out or you will look like an idiot.

Self-destructive things said over dinner

Evil

I had dinner with XTIAN, KenTak3, Gail, and Mr. Shoulders last night. One of us was saying self-destructive things all night long. It was very sad actually. So as to not hurt any feeling publicly, I won't say who it was... but I will share with you some things that were said:

• "Are you going to make me a rhinestone collar?"
  
• "I was sitting on the couch with my mentor (who doesn't like herself very much) and then her shirt buttons started to fly off."
  
• "I want to move to central Jersey."


• "Can I just impregnate a girl and start a normal life already??

Manolo Hates Something Too

You know what I hate...

I hate when I take off my pants and my penis all of a sudden sticks out the little hole in my boxers...I understand my penis might feel like it has just been released from prison and wants to say "Hey People, I am free!!." I don't know if its the lack of a full erection or the fabric of the boxers itself but you are only able to see the tip, you know, the top 2-3 inches.

I guess I would feel better if my whole penis came out, if it showed itself in all its glory, but alas, it doesn't work that way...I guess prison does break the spirit...

Anyways, that's what I hate...

David Cross, Genius, second only to Dave Chappelle!

Proof Point 1

Explained!

this explains it...

I was an Enabler!

When I invited her to the game it was mostly out of desperation. Not that she's not cute, far from it, She's really cute. Vexingly cute really. But none of that matters, I just need to leave people at work alone on the dating front. Its a new rule. I don't need any confusion and if things do work somewhat positively (and that doesn't happen all that often) at best I've ended up with a reasonably cool friend...

Due to some complications associated with IM communications my original plan to go with a buddy from work, VB, was blown up. He thought I was talking about a client event I was talking about two tickets I had secured from a fellow co-worker...things went south from there. Not knowing what to do, I circled thru a number of friends and could not find anyone available the next evening. A business related conversation with my sales specialist openned the option of redemption. It was set, we were going to the game together, me with my perky sales specialist with a great body and amazing hair...my subconscious, or the master chef had set out the ingredients for his recipe of disaster...

When I saw her, I knew I was in trouble, B-Shah called her sloppy cute one day and the description was apt. Mostly i ignore what B-Shah says on most subjects about other women, because she's a total hater, but in this case she's right. She is sloppy cute. Unlike another girl in my office, a string of pearls would look disingenuine on her, almost like part of a costume. Anyway, her top was quite revealing and exposed quite a bit, enough that i spent most of the evening with my eyes pointing towards the ground, trying to revisit the nip slips of a few days prior...

The game itself was great, Yankee Stadium can't be beat. VB even stepped up and got us closer to the action, about 5 rows from the third baseman. My friend was overwhelmed and a little too impressed. That last part disappointed me a bit...

Yes I was here with a pretty girl and yes we sort of work together, but no this was not a date. I was clear on that and everyone accpeted this except VB who, you gotta love him, is a big kid sometimes. Of course, during a break he came back to where we were sitting and said something like "i'm going to mess up his game" to the people he was sitting with. I was slightly mortified and watched my game drift off its course. She (acted like she) had no idea what was going on..

I had just spent the last 30 minutes explaining to her that he was just looking back at us probably to goof on me about something that happened earlier in the day rather than amusing himself by checking where my hands, her hands, our faces were at any given moment.

On the subway platform at Yankee Stadium I noticed she was cold and fought off the urge to keep her warm with a hug for a few minutes before finally relenting just as the downtown train approached...

I dropped her off at her door, the pretense of getting a pizza slice providing the excuse. she kissed me on the cheek and bolted for the door, I turned and walked away briskly as it was starting to rain. However, in the reflection of a glass i saw her sprint back out for a second, think better of it and turn back towards her door.

The next day, I IMed iwth my buddy and aggressively called him a cockblocker...
His sole defense...
"I was an enabler!"

yeah right dude!

I let things be...

I thought nothing of it, till she started drunk texting me several days later at around 1am while at her friends party, basically telling me to come out...Given my track record it will still all translate into something pretty meaningless

One thing I hate about NY in the Summer

There are somethings I love about NY in the summer. I like the heat. Actually, I hate hte heat, but I always nod at the heat because I get it and it was captured in a song perfectly. New York by U2.


In New York summers get hot well into the hundreds
You can walk around the block without a change of clothing
Hot as a hair dryer in your face
Hot as handbag and a can of mace
New York, I just got a place in New York
New York, New York


I really like that song, and the heat makes me think of it, so at the end of the day I don't hate the heat. But its a passing moment, the I sweat thru my shirt and then I hate the heat...

I really love that the city empties out, that I can walk into any bar or restaurant, that it's basically my city. I wake up, put on some shorts, throw on a top hat and fetch my cane and walk around like a pimp profiting well from his hoes...

What I hate though, what i absolutely hate:
Are these random street fairs that spontaneously happen everywhere and they are always generating noise and its always like "what the hell?" sor ot of thing and they are completely useless, i mean what the hell are they selling exactly? Nothing useful thats for sure



and another thing, how do they always manage to make a crappy falafel?

Sometimes I Feel Like This Guy

DAVES BACK!

WHEW

The Return of the Kicked Puppy

One of my great friends in life made this great observation about me:

We were drunk (of course)

"[My last name, she always called me by my last name, her smokey voice, pronouncing it properly, with the accents in the right place], you know what your problem is?"

"which problem exactly, i have a few?"

"you're like a dog thats been kicked too much. It seems to me that you just love people for not kicking you."

I think, finally, on the cusp of my 29th year, I am getting past this...

The boyfriend is out (she's a girl but she's emotionally closed off and a poor communicator, so a co-worker and I have taken to calling her the boyfriend).
There's only enough room for one emotional waste land around here and thats me sister. You're out. I don't care what Ivy League University almost awarded you a PhD, you're young minded and wack.

Of course the day I took this massive step forward, a total "I choose me" moment if you will, I managed to find a way to take several steps back. Unfortunately the victim of my pathology is unsuspecting and undeserving. she's been a subject here before. She was also what this was all about.

We were getting coffee and i said something, who knows what. She gave me half a look. It's what she does. She doesn't always challenge, but when she does its sort of fun, in a sick way. I pounced on that look and probed...under her breathe she relented that she did not always know what I was talking about or if sometimes, I didn't have some sort of agenda. I hated myself a little, more than a little for once again confusing this girl.

All she needs is a friend., apparently no more than one at work, because she puts zero effort into trying to make any others there. For self defeating reasons of her own, she chose me and she pays for her folly every so often, mostly when i'm drunk or just in need of being a dick.

Before 10am, before she jumps on a conference call, i remind her of my limitations. She puts the reciever down and looks at me saying something like

"I can't believe you just said that to me just as I'm about to do this conference call"

some other words are exchanged. she picks up the reciever again and says something like

"Sometimes, i feel like I'm part of some psychology experiment you're running"

My heart breaks. I can't even do intense right anymore. Now its like I just want to apologize and crawl into a ball under the table.

I committed myself righ then and there to do better and get over myself, I'm her overprotective brother and it blows her mind everytime I give into my baser instincts and come on to her. It's completely unacceptable, even I feel like a dick afterwards...

I'll betray her trust again. That's just me. Its what I do. Poor girl...

Grilled Meat

On Sunday, I went over to KenTak's house to hang out with him, the GF and their gay dog Bruno. I brought along MikeT just because he did not seem to be doing much and also I figured bruno would crush hard on Mike's shaved head and plaid shirt. Totally nailed that one too...

KenTak apparently has not upgraded his OS for the summer, because his grilling skills were severely lacking. The GF of course, delivered across a number of dimensions. Baking cookies, keeping me from stepping on Bruno's doody rag and generally being a good hostess. The real hero of the day was Evil Twin 1 who showed up and dropped so BBQ-Fu that will be the talk of BBQs from NY to Boston for seasons to come. It got really interesting when she started flipping beef while doing the worm. WHAT TALENT!

Evil Twin #2 was also on sight. She and I had the best conversation.

her:"hey, how are you?"

me:"Great you?"

her:"I'm good!"

me:"really?"

her:"yeah why?"

me:"I read your blog"

her:"oh yeah...so you know how I'm really doing"

me: "right..."

her:"i'm ok. Things are getting better"

Our conversation moved on to what we have been up to for the last several months at one point i started something with "And then in Miami..."...She cut me off with a "oh yeah that was a great blog entry. I liked the part where..." I tuned her out...whats the point of talking when we can BLOG!

Not much else happened, I ate, there was a food coma, for some reason MTV came on and we settled into TRUE LIFE : I'M A JERSEY SHORE GIRL

There was one really friggin annoying guy there, who upon hearing that Evil Twin 2 was leaving her job went into this diatribe about the increasing demands by the market that large corporations divest of businesses and focus on core competencies, and somehow tried to analogize it to ET2 quiting a crappy lawyer job for a better one with more money. MikeT not know what to make of that said something sarcastic like "that was the most insightful thinking on business trends I've heard in quite some time, should I put that in my next analyst report?"

I wondered if someone left an economist at this dude's bbq. what a tool?

Musings on Revenge of the Sith...(SPOILER ALERT)

I spent a great deal of time trying to figure out why Yoda quits towards the end of Revenge of the Sith. Why do he and Obi Wan agree that the only strategy is a retreat? Obi Wan has defeated Vader. Surely together Yoda and Obi Wan could stand against the Dark Lord, Siddious. I cam up with an idea that worked for me, you guys let me know what you think. When Shaft almost killed Palpatine, it was obvious to me that he used anger and darkness that he was in fact on the path towards the Dark Side. It’s an eerie foreshadowing to the same scene in Return of the Jedi, where Luke on the verge of defeating the Emperor was on the verge of succumbing to the dark side. Is it true then that any Jedi in order to defeat a true dark lord has to access the dark side, that there must always be a balance between the light and the dark, that there must always be a Dark Lord?

Vader is the fulcrum in both scenes. In RotS, he kills Shaft, thereby cementing his position as one of the two dark lords. In RotJ he kills the Emperor and thereby finally ending the reign of the Sith by keeping his son from succumbing to the dark side. The fact that Vader then dies naturally is the only cause for the end of the dark side, no Jedi had to access the darkness to defeat him. Also when you line these scenes up against each other, you realize that Vader is truly the focal point of the series. Lucas has often pointed out that the 6 films when viewed together are essentially the redemption of Anakin Skywalker. The crucial decision, the one he makes the “wrong choice: in RotS he handles quite differently in RotJ. What’s funny is that I don’t think Vader ever gives up the dark side. Vader, when he throws the Emperor over the scaffolding still working from a fear of loss, loss of his son. As Yoda, accurately points out fear of loss is a path towards the dark side. So I challenge Lucas’ set up of this series as the redemption of Anakin. Yes he “undoes” the damage he does by saving Luke, but he never finds his way to the Light of the Force, he uses the same tools he always used, anger, passion, frustration. I might be revisiting an old inconsistency here.

So viewed from this lens, we understand what’s happening. We understand that Yoda and Obi Wan can’t take the fight to the Emperor directly; doing so will take them to the Dark Side. The New Hope, then is that Vader’s son will somehow be able to influence Vader’s actions so he can fulfill his destiny and restore the light to the force.

Btw, it seems to me that Siddious explains to us the origin of Vader. It seems to me that Siddious’ master is this fellow he mentions to Anakin when he is attempting to seduce him to the Dark Side; the one who can manipulate midiclorians to shape life. Assuming Siddious is the pupil who kills that Dark Lord then we can now clearly account for the origin of Anakin.

Many were confused by the implication that Anakin was conceived immaculately. It’s the one counter point to Jon-El’s reasonably well thought out theory that Lucas fundamentally posits that science is the new religion in the second trilogy by trying to explain away the force as scientific fact like gravity, much unlike the earlier trilogy where it is all masked in mysticism. I actually think it’s a little different. I think he’s saying that the decay of society can most quickly be noticed in the decay of the knowledge that this society wields. The society in the Classic Star Wars Trilogy is most clearly in decay and as a result, a culture has re-emerged where the unknown rather than be properly explored is now simply mystified.

Cross/Up Selling

My first post on Ordinal Rule is up. You can read it by clicking here.

PLUS

We now have an RSS Feed for the Hose, all you information syndicators can now leverage the power of RSS. Click here to find out how to leverage this powerful tool.

Miami and other Gayness

At the airport, while waiting for the plane, I really didn’t know how the weekend would end up. I had no idea how much or how little sleep I would get. I had no idea if I had packed appropriately for the weather. I didn’t even know if I was flying down by myself or not. Jon-El was had been vacillating all week on whether or not he would appear, at last check he was not. But really, who was to say with any certainty.

Read more about xTian and Manolo in Miami here.

Manolo Gets Motivated

Did anybody watch the Simpsons or Family Guy this weekend? I must have stopped the shows 4-5 times because I was laughing so hard...

In the last episode of the Simpsons, Bart gets kicked out of Springfield elementary and they are having a family discussion around the dinner table and how they are going to have to send him to private school.

Then Homer goes:

“And if you get kicked out of that one, you are going straight into the army where you will be sent straight to America’s latest quagmire. Where will it be? North Korea? Iran? Anything is possible with Commander Cuckoo Bananas in charge.”

HAHAHAHA!!!!

Then, in Family Guy, the neighbors were having a discussion outside when all of a sudden; a giant chicken appears out of nowhere. The giant chicken and Peter Griffin then spend the next 10 minutes fighting all over town…he finally defeats the giant chicken, and appears all beaten up to renew the discussion he was having with his neighbors like nothing happened.

Hah! They are freaking geniuses…Where do they come up with that stuff?

I remember that there was one time where Xtian and Evil were trying to take the Hose of its doldrums existence and started targeting MTV and VH1 executives via personalized ads in Google. I don’t think it went anywhere as it seems the executives were not vain enough to “Google” themselves…what's wrong with them? How can we be part of “Best Week Ever” or “When _______ ruled the World” if we are still relying on metrics from the old hey-days of the dot com era? Eyeballs? Unique visitors? Wtf?

Anyways, the point of the story it’s that the Hose lacks such geniuses and everything at the Hose seems falls on my shoulders…I just hope that my discussions with Xtian this weekend and this post are a rallying cry for somebody to think outside the box...

Coming up next month: Top 10 Hose Posts (as voted by our readers)

A distinguished panel consisting mainly of ME will decide on 20-25 posts. Our readers will vote on them at a latter date via electronic voting (e-mail). These votes will then be discarded to the trash bin. I, in conjuction with my politically appointed cronnies will finally decide on the top 10 posts...

Dave Chappelle explains himself!

Hurry back!

We need you...

read the article here.

The Hose Makes a Friend or two

Evil Twins is a blog at least partially maintained by someone who has been referenced a few times on this blog, to the point where she earned a nickname, however ill-fitting...

Also, I'm a soon-to-be contributor to Ordinal Rule, a blog created by my friend and brother Weise-Son (better name to follow). Similar in mandate to the Hose, but with one caveat. It's list based.

Someone should point out to the future Mrs. Evil that she should update her friendster profile to say "In a Relationship" so Evil can stop hatching plots that he will never follow thru on.

Also, I finally finished this post from last month...

Manolo Prepares For The Invasion

Actually, Manolo WAS preparing for this weekend's invasion when Jon-El goes ahead and pulls one of his patented moves and decides to cancel on us at the last minute...

It seems that after seeing his name online in the previous post, or perhaps suffering from a slight bout of TBS (touchy bitch syndrome), Jon-El got scared...

What followed was a series of actions, one more drastic than the other, and mainly involving me whining like a girl via voicemails/emails to him, his wife and even his mother to convice Jon-El to come down to the Dirty South after all...It seems that he is afraid that this week is going to be too wild for his taste...

I have decided to post a reply email I sent to Evil back in July 2002 after a similar weekend visit by xTian aka Big Head aka Purple Mushroom and his brother aka Little Big Head aka the Bumpasaurus aka Pacey J. Witter aka Mo Vaughn...

As you can see, there was nothing wild about it...I just hope this alleviates his fears, and those of his significant others and that he will be able to join us after all.

My Mom hates me

My mother hates me.

She hated me a few weeks ago when I missed her birthday. I felt so down about it that I made up this story about surfing and getting a concussion and told everyone I knew just to convince myself it was the truth.

She hated me this past weekend when I failed to come thru again on Mother's Day. It was friday and I had no idea what to do, no one was able to deliver flowers to my mother...the hell?

Not knowing what else to do, I outsourced the responsiblity to a local resource, my brother, The Bumpasaurus - Pacey J. Witter. A recipe for disaster.

Sunday, I ring him eagerly at 10am

"what did my mother and grandmother think of the flowers?"

"I did not get them yet. the futbol is on"

"Can you take care of it now please?"

"Can you cut me a break? Give me an hour."

Not knowing what to do with myself I rung a few aunts. My youngest Aunt was my second call. Her husband picked up and passed the phone to her, yelling

"Miy! [xtian] is on the phone"

"hey, sweetie I'm talking to your mom on my cell phone. Hold on she's saying somehting to me"

"what?"

"she said "{explative], why don't you remind him he has a mother and that should be his first call..." and then she hung up"

"Oh"

Sometimes you just can't win :-(

xTian uses the Force

........TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF A PINATA


Check all the faces of shock and awe!

(Either that or these guys are coming down off a heroin buzz...you decide)



Next xTian and Jon-El invade Manolo's Gay bachelor Pad
A wild weekend of singing 60s R&B hits, doing each other's hair and watching Jerry Maguire awaits...plus coke and hookers!!!

Manolo Reads The Paper

I was online and came across the following article...

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/05/03/health/03ugly.html?8hpib

Somehow, Big Head and Big Little Head and their growing up stories popped into my head...

three inch Package

COurtesy of Davey K


http://www.wackmcs.com/wackmcs/crispy.wmv

Manolo Gives You Some More Animal Trivia

I am back!!! The master plan is to write a day by day travelogue of my 2 week getaway to Spain...Please bear with me!! Hopefully it will be more interesting than the "Man Dates" post Xtian is currently working on...

In the meantime, did you know that the female bedbug has no vaginal opening? If you’re a male bedbug you have to rip open her abdomen with your penis to deposit sperm...nevertheless (and this is for Evil), that doesn't mean it shouldn’t be good for her too.

Man Dates

Periodically, I meet KenTak3 for lunch. its not as frequently as i would like but it happens often enough...It was a nice day so we sat outside a food bar I like on Maiden Lane called Zeytunas.

As is often the case on a weekday around noon, its pretty packed. But the same pretty blonde is always sitting there anxiously reading some document or case study or something.

Without letting KenTak know, I positioned us near the pretty blonde, intending to attract her to our conversation. Little did I know how far south we would have to go before she would even look our way.

KenTak is an engaged conversationalist but has low tolerance for self deprication or general depression. As a result he hardly ever talks to the rest of our study group from college. Mr Shoulders and Evil are just too far gone at this point. He's still amused by me, because like people at work, I have the potential to get it right at ANY GIVEN MOMENT. of course I don't. If I did then this blog would be duller than it is.

Our conversation that day mostly centered on women and mixed success in recent months. As someone in a committed relationship, KenTak is amused by my flailing and i think uses it a remind for how good he's got it.
Bored talking to myself, and not thinking it will attract the pretty blonde into our web. I shift the conversation from chicks I'm not banging to an article I had recently read in the NY Times about dudes who go on date like things, like going to the movies or going to a museum, just a couple of metros pumped for a night on the town. Mentioning this as we both sat there in shirts we spent far too much money was amusing. She was looking over and just kind of sizing us up and down.

Ken actually said something funny and our blonde friend snorted.

I looked over at her, and was all like "Would it be wierd if me and this dude had a nice dinner somewhere?"

"I dunno, I dunno what's acceptable anymore.."

"I'm pretty sure at any given moment, it will be acceptable for a straight dude to suck another straight dude's cock and still be straight"

"sucking cock" the quickest way to end a conversation with a random person...

The Prodigal Son Returns!!

It seems nothing has changed since I last posted a blog on this site. The writing is piss poor, Evil is horrible, X-tian is still playing with himself because no woman will touch him, and the stories are boring.

I must apologize for my inactivity on this blog. Life has dealt me the shittiest cards you could imagine. I won't go into details because frankly, I don't like any of you. I just wanted to let you know that my eye is on all of you.

Manolo Goes On Vacation

I will be out of touch from March 31st to Apri 14 (Spain, baby, Spain!!!). If you are looking for something to pass the time, you can either look at the Manolo archives or come back after April 15th where I hope to entertain you with some stories from my travels across Spain...

Of course, there will some other postings on The Hose from Xtian and Evil but we all know those aren't as good as mine...I suggest you read those just so you can feel better about yourself and thank your lucky stars that your life its not as sucky as theirs...

Manolo Goes On Another Date

I have a friend at work that is really smoking hot. In my business, the women usually are...

I was regaling my coworkers last week with stories from my last date (come on, who the heck doens't believe in evolution?) when she told me about a friend who she wanted to set me up with who was a lot of fun and "believed in evolution". At first I wasn’t interested since I am not a big fan of blind dates (this was my second...the last one involved a Jewish girl and the search for a chinese KOSHER restaurant in the Upper West Side of NYC) but then I figured, “Hot girls usually hang out with hot girls…if her friend is half as hot as he is, then there’s nothing to worry about.”

We agreed to meet at a bar. I get there early and was having a few beers when a midget walked in. I tried not to stare, but the midget was walking in my direction. I then giggled a bit because I started reminiscing about old 3 AM drunk conversations I had back in school (Casa Latina) involving midget tossing.

Anyways, she sat down right next to me, and we began chatting. That’s when I found out she was my date. Things were going pretty well, and feeling comfortable enough, I decided to ask her what it’s like to be a midget. She gave me funny look and then proceeded to knock me off my bar stool (shout out to John-El...inside story!). She then kicked me with her tiny feet as she screamed, “I am not a midget, you asshole! I’m a little person.”

A few bouncers surrounded us, but they decided to watch and laugh for a couple of minutes before they pulled the "little person" off me. The bartender, who was FULLY hot, felt bad and offered to get me drunk for free. It was a really embarrassing night, but at least I learned that a) literally, she was half as hot and b) midgets have feelings too.

A Scene from Someone’s Forthcoming Autobiography

She was plumper than he expected. It was a muscular plumpness so he didn’t mind.

Things progressed as they’re meant to. As is often the case, past experience has him cautious when it comes to removing another person’s clothing. A history of ripped pants and broken panties has him concerned that he’s stronger than he ever lets on.

As he clumsily tries to remove her top he stops half way and takes a deep breath and speaks….

“I’m going to need for you to not internalize it when I kick your ass out of here at 930 in the morning.”

She looked at the clock and that it was 5am. She pulled her top back down as if she was going to go.

“Who are you kidding?” the pained look on her face broke his bravado “nah, seriously stay, I’ll buy you a bagel before I toss you out…”

That ended that bit of the conversation and led to another different sort of communication…

Thursday Night

At the end of the night on thursday, I was not ready to go home. It occurred to me that Sangay was still out and about at Serena's, which is right near my apartment. Perfect....

I walked in and there was a hot indian chick staring me down...I walk over to her and am all like:

ME: "whats up"

HER: "hey"

ME: "do I know you?"

HER: "no"

ME: "oh you're looking pretty hard at me is all"

SOME OTHER DUDE: "you talking to my girl?"

ME: "wha...she's staring at me"

Then I found Sangay and stood around a for a few minutes. Then the dude walked over to us and did a little dance...I think he was challenging me to a dance off for his woman. Either that or he wanted to bang me. Regardless, I got freaked out and left...

Head to Head - Evil vs. Pat O'Brien

Check this article out...Pat O'Brien is apparently crazy!

This is outside the Hotel Metropol, which is right next to Red Square. One day, a military brigade appeared suddenly and no one could determine why. 

We went to a restaurant in St. Petersberg where there was a "no guns" and "no headphones" policy. Thank goodness! 

This girl was also in the arena. She was amazing. 

2005 World Figure Skating Championships in Moscow. Check out Michelle Kwan's ass. 

Misadventures in the Great Search for Poontang

Evil

Weird that this chick would be calling me after all this time. I had deleted her from my phone so when she called, just her number showed up, not her name. I let it ring through to voice mail. I barely even answer when it's someone I know, much less someone I don't know. I checked the voice mail a couple of days later (these things slip my mind easily). She was like, hey [Evil], it's me, J... I know we haven't talked in a while, but call me back some time.

The last time we talked, I was sitting on her couch. She was sitting on her couch too. She was trying to watch TV while I was trying to slide my hand up her thigh. I barely got past her mid-thigh when suddenly she leapt into the the air and announced, "I want to read now!" So she bolts to her room and comes back with a book. She wedges herself on the very far end of the couch and starts to read.

I am not the type of person who picks up on little hints, but this was no little hint. I leave. That was the last time we talked.

Her voicemail intrigues me. But not enough to call her back. Instead, I email her and suggest that we can watch a DVD at my place. She emails me back and says yes, so long as there won't be any funny business going on. What? Am I wearing a clown nose and big floppy shoes. I don't need none of that. I have better things to do. (Actually, I don't, but I just wanted to say that anyway.)

A Date full of Escape Clauses

A bizarrely attractive blonde woman contacted me over Match.com recently. So we got to it over the email…I was charming witty, dangerous and flirty…everything I’m not in real life. It was great and she was pumped. She did not have a profile available for viewing. Which I found odd, I mean what’s the point of being on match.com if no one can see your face and bombard you with emails?

A few weeks ago I had bought 1, single ticket to a Julieta Venegas concert. I was convinced I could not talk anyone into going with me so I bought one, single solitary ticket. Because there was no one else involved in the purchase I also convinced myself that it was two Fridays ago and then last Friday.

She asked me what I was up to on Friday and my lame explanation that I was going to a concert by myself just was not flying…then I realized my ticket was for the 1st. I mellowed out and agreed to meet up with her at 10pm at a bar. She had somewhere to be midnight.

Escape Clause #1 – If I’m lame, she takes off and goes to meet up with friends no problem…

Our drinks were great. She revealed that she did not drink that much and I revealed that I drink far too much but that I’m being good for Lent.

I asked about the private thing on with her match.com profile. I asked her in an indirect way, I asked how many emails she got an hour.

She was unnerved. I left it alone

Eventually she warmed up to my vibe. She asked if I wanted to go to the concert. I got past the first escape clause

At the bar where the concert was happening, we encounter her friend. Her friend knew the score. She came over and over the music I could make out her asking my date if I was on the up and up. She said yes.

Escape Plan #2 If I pass the first test but later prove to be wack or cannot be shaken, there’s her friend to bail her out…There I was shooting past the second buffer of security.

Drinks with the band after the show was fine…at the end she had a ride set with her friend and took off with it.

I ran off to meet with some dudes who were getting falafels down the street she called me back.

“Where are you? Do you want to split a cab?”

I was waiting for a falafel so I said no and mentioned I was several blocks away. But somehow I made it past the last escape plan…a win’s a win’s a win…

Not Having Sex with anywhere from 4-5 women at any given moment

Since I’ve come back to NY I’ve not had sex with about 22 women. It’s a new personal best for me. Normally I sit around not having sex with 1 woman for months before I realize it’s just not going to happen and go crawl in a ball and swear women off forever.

I’ve been sticking and moving this time around like boxing is going out of style (obviously neglecting the drag effect of a stupendous show “The Contender”)

In order to accomplish this feat in the 6 months between September and now, it’s taken a ton of effort and I have to acknowledge all parties who have helped me along in this journey thru their support and mockery. This includes but is not limited to: Buck, Manolo, Jon-El, B-Shah, Pacey Witter, Jazzy Jaff, cousin Maria, Evil, KenTak3, sleeve, HVR, DJM, MaybeItsMaybeline, The Marlboro Man, Elmo's Uncle and of course all the silly bitches that have been so gracious as to not sleep with me...

Manolo Goes On A Date

I don’t like Miami from a transportation perspective. Miami lacks a mass transit system which means you can’t be spontaneous…you can’t hop on a train or a bus or a cab and go somewhere. You always have to plan it ahead of time. You can’t be dynamic a la Xtian…There is always a set of questions that need to be answered before you step out the door. Where are you going? Who is picking who? Who is the designated driver? Where is everyone meeting? Who is following who?

I invited this young lady to go out dancing with me to Bongos (local place where big Spanish bands sometimes play). My lady friend comes over to my place where I quickly make some amaretto sours as I give her a tour of my 1-bedroom apartment in my Melrose Place wannabe complex. I show her the living room, the kitchen, the bathroom and the bedroom. I show her the pool and hinted at us maybe going skinny dipping later on. The whole tour was over in about a minute which was probably a preview of things to come, gggrrr!!!!

We engaged in trivial conversation and I found out that she doesn’t like seafood. I excused myself for a moment and very discreetly called “The Rusty Pelican” to cancel our reservation. Some of you, knowing the fact that I am a very picky eater who doesn’t eat any seafood or vegetables may ask yourself why am I making reservations to a seafood restaurant. I was taking a gamble...Most seafood restaurants have at least one land-based dish and the restaurant itself is on an island which has a beautiful view of Miami’s skyline and I was hoping the romantic value was worth more than my appetite.

After some more conversation, I find out that she is not a big eater either…We decide that the best option for us would be to do is to go to a tapas restaurant and get a variety of items of small-sized items so we could share…Since it was kind of her decision, I let her order…I am “like seriously, what can she order at a tapas place I wouldn’t eat”…Boy, was I wrong!!! She ordered some duck quesadillas, buffalo (boofalo soldiers-shout out to Balls Mahoney) meat empanadas and stuffed mushrooms. Simple and delightful delicacies I would never ever touch…

I am very discreetly making my way around my quesadilla, while having the normal date conversation of parents, siblings, work, sexual positions, etc. I guess my bringing up sexual positions raised some alarms because all of a sudden she started talking about God, how she had a very serious catholic upbringing and to this day she is a virgin who is saving herself for marriage. This is all commendable stuff, for somebody else! The situation does not bode well for me…

I don’t know if it was the fact that at that point I knew I was not going to get any, not unless I devote a large amount of time to this girl, or that I was very hungry, so hungry, but something snapped.

I decided to complete obliterate this “God” world of hers and kept asking all sorts of existential, philosophical, and science questions. Don’t you get horny? What do you do when that happens? Haven’t you seen that in the movies, when a woman is about to reach her height of erotic pleasure, she screams “God” and sometimes try to touch him? Don’t you want to be closer to him? Don't you want to touch Him? Do you touch yourself?

She went on this crazy tangent about Adam and Eve and how all of us are paying our dues because Eve ate the apple (I don’t know, maybe all her options were some buffalo empanadas and she was hungry)…Then that led to a discussion on evolution and the big bang theory…lo and behold, she doesn’t believe in any of that crap. Who doesn't believe in Evolution or the Big Bang Theory? I thought it was the crazy people in the Red states (I forgat, I am in a Red state).

I am prodding and prodding until she yells, “ARE YOU CRAZY? WE DON’T COME FROM MONKEYS.” It happened right as there was a general lull in the whole restaurant…everyone turned and looked at us.

I was turned on…she was all flushed, tense, like a beast…all this pent up sexual energy…My whole future flashed before my eyes…I imagined the church, I imagined marrying this woman and then I imagined the wedding night…oh yeah!

Somehow, kids popped into the picture...I saw myself in a never ending tug of war of things to come…my “wife” spewing her religious beliefs and telling the kids about God, how evolution doesn’t exist, and how there is no big bang theory and I in the other end trying to raise my kids as “secular humanists.”

Anyways, after a little bit of an awkward silence, I told her that she was entitled to her own opinions and that I respect it her for it, and blah blah blah. Dinner ended and we went to dance the night away. Things did improve on the dance floor, and all the tension from dinner had somehow dissipated. We were actually having fun…

I finally took her to my place to get her car, and as we are saying goodbye, we ended up in a big passionate kiss. It was one of those strong kisses where you just grab each other and don’t want to let go. I opened my eyes and I noticed that her two arms, which are kind of resting on top of my shoulders, have that fuzz of hair that some women have (which I found coincidentally amusing).

She finally got in her car and drove away…I took inventory of the night, to see what went wrong or right, what conversation topics needed to be changed, what anedecotes needed to be updated...mind you, not for this girl...that was crazy, a chick with arm air…that’s one second date that won’t be happening (shiver)...

Manolo Watches Over the Kids

My parents, needing a well deserved vacation, decided to take one week off and went to the Dominican Republic to visit family, but mainly to sit at the beach and drink rum and cokes. I know, we are all so jealous…

This meant that my brother and sister (21 and 18 years old respectively) would have been left home alone. I am sure this is what they were secretly hoping for but given the fact that I don’t trust the little bums, I decided to pack my things and go home for the duration of my parent’s trip.

I was not prepared for what was to come. I was actually worried about the little rascals…I left work right on the dot so I could go home and cook for them. I would yell at them for not picking up their rooms or doing their chores. I would pepper them with questions…What did they do all day? How come they didn't wash the dishes? Had they eaten something? Where were they going? Who were they going with? How long were they going to be away? Did they have gas in their cars? Were they wearing clean underwear? Could they bring me a coke from the fridge?

It rapidly became a very surreal experience…I would break out into giggling fits any time people would invite me out for drinks or dinner and I would have to politely decline because I had to go home and “watch over the kids.”

What the @#$?

My parents came back about a week ago and I haven't been back since...

The Sort of Conversation One Never Expects to Have

On Wednesday, I was scurrying to and fro in NJ...visiting clients, hitting the Trader Joes and dropping off late birthday gifts for my godson.

In the midst of all this activity, I received a call from my friend, and she's all like, "what are you up to?"

"not a whole lot...in Jersey stuck in traffic"

"What about tonight?"

"I dunno"

"We're going to a show, we're going to see Pieces (of Ass) and my friend J is going to be there"

A few hours later, I was standing outside the theater, waiting for my friend and her friend who I may or may not being set up with. Its hard to determine but I think is one of those open ended things that could go either way. Whatever...

We all meet up, I notice that the girl I had spent the last 10 minutes staring at is actually the girl I was meant to meet. This bode well.

Of course, it’s all up to the execution right…

The show itself was fine. It’s about chicks complaining about how hot they are. Btw, is there anything more potentially annoying than hot chicks complaining about being hot? Baby, try being a “non-traditionally” handsome man with a great personality…you can’t get much worse than that. Your life is like this…you walk around living your life and beautiful women love hanging around with you especially when they have just recently been done dirty. They hang out use me for my wit, charm and grace and then just as they find their confidence and I make my move, it’s like a look of horror…then its pity “you poor boy, you actually think I would sleep with you? No, not now…not ever”
That sucks….pretty girls could blow me with their complaining complaints…

But I digress…

Afterwards, we all head to my apt. She offers to spice it up with her own sense of style. Looking her over, I note her sun dress and fishnet combo. I tentatively agree but know that I am going to need to have veto power on any of her decisions. Her idea though is promising…this bodes well…

As we’re walking to Pastis for a late (late) dinner. We see your friend and mine, Jon Bon Jovi walking out. My vaguely JAPy, vaguely bohemian friend immediately pipes up and is all like

“hello jon, how are you?”

“I don’t think I know you”

“sure you do, we’ve met…” Then a somewhat exhaustive list of parties, event, and high profile shin-digs falls out of her mouth. All the while his face goes from slightly amused to perturbed. The woman he is with is luckily still amused.

“Is she stalking me…” He’s looking at me now, like I’m supposed to know something…I don’t at least not anything I’m will to share

“Oh screw you” She’s pointing and raising her voice and occasionally pointing. She’s babble and finishes with “I don’t like your music anyway”

Of course we did not get to go into the restaurant so we went up the street and did not really discuss it any further…

My Fortune

Evil

I cracked open the fortune cookie. The piece of paper read:

The person who loves you most is sitting by your side.

I was alone.

The Wrong Way to Do the Right Thing

There are good things to do in the world and bad things. In my personal life, I tend to pick the bad. Recognizing this limitation, I decide periodically to offset this with great acts of kindness. So inevitably, I'm out there collecting trash and being environmentally sound and mentoring young people and generally just trying a bit too hard...

Now that I've settled into my job and the demands that are typical of it. I have decided to re-up on my commitment to help everyone in sight, whether they want to or not. To that end I've been checking out some of the community service organizations in NYC and what they have to offer.

I hit the NY Cares orientation program a few weeks ago. I walked into the jewish community center on a Sunday, grabbed a form and sat in the back. The fact that it was 70% women (ages 24-27) did not escape my notice. I did my best to supress my glee. The Orientation coordinator was a volunteer of 10 years who showed up in a really good mood for a sunday morning. His openning comments were innocent enough about the opportunity to do the world some good and how inspired he is when he's done with his saturday reading program.

Over the course of his presentation though, he began to pepper his comments with slightly off color comments. For Example:

"And I mean look around you, do you want to do these great things with some of the beautiful people."

Later, he said something like "and if I like you and you can't get a date here, then I'll help you out I have 3 single daughters, ages 21-30"

I was dumbstruck...This guy was completely out of hand. people are here, hung over and droopy on Sunday morning trying to redeem the sins of the past weekend, not accelerating the their opportunity to repeat these past mistakes. The hell?

When he closed by encouraging everyone to mingle and sign up for stuff together, I seriously began to question this fellow's interest in reading to academically under performing minority children.

Later, I went to orientation for God's Love We Deliver. When I was a kid I remember the one commercial they did, where a dude would run up the stairs and give a big box of food to a drag queen dying of AIDs. Wait, did I make that up?

The orientation was reasonable enough, a mix of kids, older people and 20 somethings, somewhat disproportionately gay, looking to cchop potatoes to the beat disco music in a judgement free environment.

The orientation coordinator took a different tact. He focused on what was amazing about helping others and some of the demographics of the people we could be helping if we stepped up, put on our flashiest, fishnet shirt, got our groove on and chopped some potatoes. Over the course of the discussion he mentioned that he was divorced recently. He sighed heavily and presed on with his presentation.

Towards the end he got very honest and said that he used God's Love We Deliver to help him thru the toughest part of his divorce finding himself working 4-5 shifts in a week, or basically every night. Right, he's not at all missing the point...

Other Faces to Lick

Here is a long post that I put elsewhere for the sake of saving screen space...

We were somewhere around Barstow...

Evil

George Plimpton, the pioneer of participatory journalism, talked his way into pitching at Yankee Stadium, quarterbacking for the Detroit Lions, and playing goalie for the Boston Bruins. Hunter S. Thompson, pioneered another type of journalism -- Gonzo -- which involves loading up on drugs til your head is totally whacked and then you report on various escapades in the first person.

"We were somewhere outside of Fayetteville on the edge of golfing country when the drugs began to take hold..."

That's the first line of my upcoming collaboration with Xtian. The rest has yet to unfold. In about a month, Xtian and I will take the NJ Transit to Newark Airport and rent a Toyota Camry, which will probably have more than a faint aroma of urine. Then we're gonna drive that bitch straight down 95, headed for golf school and possibly the worst acid trip of our lives. The combination of golf school and Gonzo... Plimton and HST... Xtian and Evil... and you know what, biotch? Cash. We're doing this for Reason Magazine. I, as "the attorney," negotiated a $500.00 advance on the story and when it's done, they pay us 6 cents a word. Officially, Xtian and I are splitting that 50/50, but I might just throw him into a ditch when the writing is done because the only thing worst than having to share cash is having to share the plentiful poontang that comes after fame taps me on the shoulder. The light is shining right at me, and nobody else.

Disappointment

Evil

Xtian has hit rock bottom. He is figuratively down in the dumps but literally he's in a ditch. Well, not technically a ditch, but a rain gutter somewhere near 26th street and 7th ave. No one has bothered to help Xtian get out of the ditch. I would, except that I have various DVDs queued up to watch. I'm pretty disappointed in KenTak3 and The Bump.

Outdated Movie Review: The Motorcycle Diaries

Evil



In The Motorcycle Diaries, Gael Garcia Bernal (above) reprises his role as the impressionable gay youngster from the homoerotic thriller, Y Tu Mama Tambien. This movie is about a nubile young man and an older, experienced man who ride 8000 km through South America on a motorcycle.

Before watching this movie, I thought it was going to be like Easy Rider -- a kick ass movie about kick ass manly dudes -- except in Spanish. DUDE, was I wrong. First of all, these two guys didn't have their own motorcycles. Instead, they rode through South America while sharing the same bike: one guy's groin pressed to the other guy's ass... all while the motorcycle was vibrating vigorously upon the rocky terrain.

Unlike Y Tu Mama Tambien, this movie didn't involve any man-woman screwing in an attempt to hide its gayness. Let me tell you, my friends, this movie is full-on GAY.

And on a somewhat unrelated note (and I don't mean to get all political on you)... the two homos in this movie traveled from Argentina to Venezuela, so those countries and the ones en-route (Peru, Colombia) got prominent mention... Oh wait, they left out Ecuador. What happened to Ecuador? Is it a second-tier South American country? I guess it's sort of like if I were traveling from Miami from Boston, I wouldn't bother to mention anything that happens in New Jersey.

BTW- I am so smashed right now.

Outdated Movie Review: "Ray"

Evil

"Ray" is a movie about the early life of Ray Charles, who apparently is some handicapped dude who played the piano and sang. I've heard a few people describe "Ray" as in inspiring story, but I just don't see it. I mean, yeah, Ray Charles had this crazy limp, but that doesn't really make piano playing and singing all that tough.

Story aside, Jamie Foxx's interpretation of Ray Charles is difficult to fathom. Instead of feeling like I was watching Ray Charles, I felt like I was watching Adam Sandler doing a Ray Charles impersonation. What was with that mumbly, slurry speech? Was this Water Boy? Happy Gilmore? Little Nicky?

There was one bright spot in the movie though: Kerry Washington, who played Ray Charles's wife. She made me want to lose my pants.

Separated At Birth?

Evil



Above left: Kerry Washington, who recently played Ray Charles's wife in "Ray." Above right: Scarlett Johannson, who recently played Mrs. Evil in most of my dreams.

Josephine, the Brown/Blue Eyed Girl

Evil

Josephine's eyes are one brown, one blue. It runs in her family actually; her brother has the same except in the opposite eyes. I don't know what's more rare for Chinese people: to have a set of blue eyes, or just one. I don't know any Chinese people with both eyes blue, so I guess having just one is actually more common. Go figure.

I saw Josephine on the train this morning. She was sitting in the next subway car, but I saw her thru the scratched up plexiglass. I recognized her instantly. Not by her eyes, because you can't see that stuff through scratched up plexiglass. I'll always recognize her because she has this smashed-in looking face and too-thick eyebrows. The last time I saw Josephine was about a month ago, also on the subway. The last time before that was a long time prior. I was 14 and she was 10. It was the last day of Chinese summer school and I thought I would see her again the next year as usual, but who knew... my parents didn't make me go back the following summer.

In my mind, I play out the scene where I cross the subway cars and walk up to Josephine. I say, Hi, and smile and she glances up. She wears a sullen look and it doesn't change when she sees me. I say, You're Josephine, and a glimmer flashes across her brown/blue eyes. I think it's a glimmer of fright, but I'm undeterred. I say, We went to Chinese school together, way back when. I knew your brother, Ba. Then I smile. When I smile, she cracks a smile, but it's forced. I know a forced smile when I see one. In the scene that I play out in my mind, we get to my stop and I'm relieved. I bolt out of there and wonder why I couldn't amuse even a brown/blue eyed girl with smashed-in face and too-thick eyebrows. It gets me sort of down.

In real life, we actually come to my stop. I step out, walk past the car that Josephine's in and check her eyes. Yes, one brown, one blue. It's her. She sees me, but she doesn't recognize me.

Bye bye, Bubba the Giant Lobster

Evil



This is a picture of Bubba, during his better days, i.e. when we was still alive. Bubba died earlier today and in a Pittsburgh aquarium, no less. Oh, the indignity. Pittsburgh is such a slum town.

Bubba's death is not for naught though. When Bubba's capture off the coast of Nantucket first made the news, the world learned an interesting tidbit about lobsters: them critters take 5 to 7 years to grow a single pound! So when you eat a 2 pound lobster, you're chomping on a 10- to 14-year-old.

Check back here soon... no doubt, Manolo will follow this post with an in-depth analysis of the sexual behavior of lobsters.

Self Indulgence Alert

What is Antonio Banderas doing singing this song, first off, who decides what gets nominated for what? Couldn't someone dig up Mana or Juanes or someone legit to do this. Not to question, Carlos' legitmacy, all bay area cats and my brothers in the green should know I got love for Carlos...but Antonio is almost embarrasing himself...lounge singing act?

Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz

Why are they presenting together? I like Penelope better than Salma from a physical sense, but I find Salma to be the less horrible actress and she also has better cans...

Still, two accent challenged hotties on a stage together at the same time, just isn't working for me...not sure why...possible self hating alert...

Jeremy Irons and Short Films

Jeremy Irons just went up there and gave the category "Best Action Short" more gravitas then the field could possibly deserve. I'm with the nominated director who acknowledged that he did not matter and napped when his name was called.

The guy who won for "Best Animated Short" treated this forum as a place to acknowledge the Canadian film industry. I thought i heard snickers...

Actress In A Supporting Role

Evil

The Nominees are:

Cate Blanchett -- Good looking for a white woman
Laura Linney -- Laura "Plastic Face" Linney? ICK.
Virginia Madsen -- Somewhat sexy, but wide hips.
Sophie Okonedo -- Woooo
Natalie Portman -- PANTS OFF PANTS OFF

Whoa, I just realized that I didn't see any of these movies last year. Dammit, no one likes me. I can't even get a chick to go to the movies with me. Better luck this year? YAH!

Get off the stage!

Evil

HEY!!! Who told Robin Williams he could do a 10 minute comedy set? WTF?! Present the award for the Best Animated Feature already. Why are you telling 10 minutes of jokes. Is Robin Williams back on the cocaine?

Beyonce

Why does Beyonce get to sing all the Oscar nominated songs?

Did she perform the Phantom song on the CD?

wierd

Did Beyonce Knowles dad show the academy guys photos he has of them with little boys and catholic priests? I don't understand...maybe he took over the worl while no body noticed. She's beautiful I get it..she has also fatter thighs than I do...

HUH?

Morgan family did not win an Oscar for Glory? Surprising?

Chris did not punk out

Chris Rock is delivering all over the place.

The best bit was "After I did, Pooty-Tang, Cuba Gooding sent me $80"

"...and will next be seen in the eagerly awaited CatWoman 2"

Best line ever

Lemon Face

Evil

Renee Zellwegger is wearing this deep red gown. She looks like a used tampon. She also has a lemon face. I, umm... I mean XTIAN, wants to cut off her head.

Actress of the Generation

Evil

Who is the best actress of the generation: Scarlett Johanssen or Kate Winslet?

Billy Bush

Evil

How did Billy Bush ever break into show business? That guy is short, talentless, and amazingly uncharismatic. I swear, he must wear platform shoes. That guy is like 5'3" and dressed like a waiter.

Gold and Bloated

Who is this gold and bloated woman doing the pre-show. She looks terrible, thankfully she does not have to stand next to penelope cruz, she just has to stand next the auditors of PriceWaterHouseCoopers

Billy Bush just stepped all over Penelope's rambling answers with "I could not agree more" who gives a shit waht Billy Bush thinks about anything?

Real Time Blog: The 2005 Oscars

Me and Evil are going to kick it old school as Chris Rocks roasts SIdeways and other gay movies...


THE ACTION STARTS NOW!

Real Time Blogging -- Oscars Edition!

Evil

Hey y'all bitches and mofos, Real Time Blogging -- Oscars Edition, is about to begin! XTian will also be in on the mix. If he can manage to get his 10 fingers out of his pants, The Bump will also be blogging. Maybe Sleeve too, if he's not called away last minute to service some random chick. I will be drunk/depressed blogging. WOOOO!

Real Time Blogging -- Oscars Edition!

Evil

Hey y'all bitches and mofos, Real Time Blogging -- Oscars Edition, is about to begin! XTian will also be in on the mix. If he can manage to get his 10 fingers out of his pants, The Bump will also be blogging. Maybe Sleeve too, if he's not called away last minute to service some random chick. I will be drunk/depressed blogging. WOOOO!

Sighting

Evil

I thought I saw Betty Ng at the Starbucks this morning. My heart skipped two and a half beats. I grabbed the cup from the Starbucks girl's hand and quickly shuffled out. I've been in-between beats ever since.

Truth

Evil

I love Iris.

And Iris loves me!

Toys for Poor Kids

Evil

Dislaimer: Please don't read this post if you grew up in New England and played golf with your dad at the country club ever since you were 10... I don't want you to think less of me.

Toys for Poor Kids #1

Dissolve a teaspoon of Metamucil in a cup of water. Let it sit for a day. Don't disturb it! Guess what happens to it? Amazingly, that teaspoon of powder turns into a fist-sized clump of "fake boogers." It's oozy and gooey. If you eat it, it even tastes like boogers. What kid wouldn't love that?

Toys for Poor Kids #2

To most people, flies are a nusance. But poor kids can take advantage of this fact: the number of flies that hang around your living quarters is directly proportional to how poor your family is. Anyway, when swatting flies, don't smash them against the wall. Instead, swap them out of mid-air and BE CAREFUL not to swat too hard. You want to stun the fly, not kill it. So once it's stunned and lying on the ground, tie a little piece of thread around its neck, like a little leash. When the fly regains conciousness, you can take it for walks around the house and treat it like the puppy that your parents couldn't afford. Here's the beauty of it all... as soon as you're bored with the fly, just tug on the ends of the thread to tighten the makeshift leash... and the fly's head pops right off!

Text Messaging how you brush people

Here's Text Messaging conversation I recently had. Some background. I met this girl at an alumni event and she seemed interested. It was hard to read, even Ann, my default chick evaluating friend could not read if she was into me or just high on weed. Anyway, after a few weeks it died on the vine. Then this past saturday after two months of radio silence she calls me and asks what's up. i had plans for the evening so I could not commit. However, we agreed to do something the following day. These are the text messages that occured an hour after we were supposed to meet up...
-----------------------------------------
HER: Hi, xTian- how was ur show? am just leaving jersey after a huge meal and am too beat to rally tonite. am traveling this week, how about dinner next week?

ME: I am in la till thurs what r u up to saturday night?

HER: In atlant until monday, leave again friday 4th for a week. april????

ME: What about wednesday the 2nd? April seems far off...

HER: Just seems tough with our schedules. Lets chat when I get back next week?

ME: Cool (although not really...f her) call me when u get back
---------------------------------------------

What's that business about? Who exactly does she think she is? I don't understand what this flakey person wants from me...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Is This Normal (The Bumpasaurus Edition)

My little brother, the Bumpasaurus,used to have a terrible lisp. I recall that my friend’s little brother had a condition where he blinked 5-6x more than the normal person. People used to call him blinky. No one ever called Bump Lispy, or Blinky for that matter,with the possible exception of my mother.

Bump’s lisp was bad enough to make him go to a trailer, adjacent to the school, to work on this condition. What was the deal with those trailers anyway? It seemed like if anyone was behind on anything they had to go to a trailer and sit there. Is there a worse punishment for being dumb/emotionally unstable/have a speech impediment than being lumped together for a few hours in the back of a trailer parked in front of the school. So weird...

Anyway, the used to give Bump little poems to read aloud to help him pronounce the words. I recall leaving the room whenever little Bump would pull out his red folder full of poems to practice. I like to think it was because I wanted Bump to practice in a risk free environment where no one would judge, snicker, laugh, point, or even cry. But, really I think I just wanted to watch TV in silence.

One afternoon, I spied my mom in the kitchen, standing in the door facing where Bump was studying. She was quiet but working hard to contain laughter. I came upon her to see what all the fun was about.

She had been standing there quietly, listening to my 6 year old brother, baby Bump if you will, practice his stupid limericks. She could barely contain her laughter. I wanted to say something, lecture her on what a bad mother she was or possibly how she was undermining her son’s confidence and eventual development. Instead I just laughed out loud and went to another room to watch TV in silence.

To this day when the Bump gets out of line or a little stubborn, my mom knows what to do, what buttons to push….her face lights up, and she exposes her teeth like she’s going on a hunt

“Thwan, Theweet, thwan…how thweet…”

That’s the quickest way to get Bump to shut about anything. If you do it long enough, he might even cry.

Asking her Number

I had a few friends come into town this weekend to hang out with me. It was great. Heather and her husband came into town, as did Darren and his wife. My friend, Anne and I put together a rather rigorous itinerary and we went about executing.

On Saturday, Heather brought out a friend to the Barney’s Warehouse Sale with us. Since Heather is somewhat slinky and blonde and her friend fits that description too, we’ll have to call her Slinky Blonde #2 for the purposes of this discussion. I purchased a suit btw, It was great. So happy. While at Starbucks, I took proper stock of the woman that my good friend heather brought out. Normally, I don’t notice blondes. It’s the contrarian in me. I make it a point to look right past, tall, skinny blondes with huge racks. Its just what I do. All loyal readers understand I’m limited. This is just another sign of my limitations

I was in a bad mood the night before and having given up boozing for lent, I decided to mope. The suit had really gotten me back in the game though. I was pumped and feeling like a new man. Also, this girl's rack got me cranking too...

I immediately started flirting. Flirting is a unique art and I’m terrible at it. Here’s what an xTian flirt sounds like

“everyone in my building is like really good looking, so be on the look out. They’re all done up too. I was sitting in the lobby one day and felt like I was violating the social contract or something/”

But I delivered it looking at her the whole way, like “this one is for you, baby”
As I was delivering it she noted me looking at her and looked up and was smiling back the whole way, like “I like it, I like where you’re going with that…direct hit”

Ok, OK, I’m overstating it but not really, I might just be overstating my interpretation

Moving on….Later at my place we were all hanging out watching Napolean Dynamite. She mentions something about her Valentine’s Day implying that she planned it. She confirmed she did.

K, don’t ask for her number

Later she asked if I had any single roommates. Curious. Also, I am the most decidedly single person in my apt. What’s the right answer. I just said “all those guys are involved in something”

K, definitely ask for her number.

The next morning at breakfast, she starts telling a story about her boyfriend and never calls him her ex.

K, don’t ask for her number

Later that day, she follows me when I break off into Kate’s Paperie to buy high end notebooks. She hangs out there with me for some time and we goof off for a good bit.

K, ask for her number

SideNote: My Haas friend Anne, took a page out of my mother’s book upon inspecting my high end notebooks and suggested that I should have purchased a different, even more high end notebooks. Thanks for the undermining holmes!

At Ted Baker, I buy a shirt, slinky blonde #2, asked my opinion as she bought one for her earstwhile, not quite boyfriend.

K, definitely let the dead dogs lie. No phone numbers here

After dinner I went for a drink with Heather and Dan. I asked for clarity on this earstwhile slinky blonde.

The explanation was long winded and sorta private. The one part I will share is the one that hit like a baseball bat to a car window...

“he said something like “I have enough love for the both of us””

I got choked up, it sounded weak, like something I’ve mocked in the past, like something I might actually try to say.

“you should totally call her. She would never date you, but she has a ton of female friends”

K, definitely ask her number

Question regarding the teacher

Evil, why does the teacher hate me?

Smile Like you mean it...

I went to the movies on Friday afternoon with my spunky sidekick from work. Each part of the nickname she has earned separately. The reasoning is defined below:
(1) She’s fantastically sassy at all appropriate and occasionally inappropriate times. She’s genuinely good at making sure I stay in my place, not too high on myself and not to low, this modulation is quite appreciated.
(2)She’s part of my conspiracy to rapidly rise up the corporate ladder by doing as little work as humanly possible. Watching movies at 3pm is part of this strategy.

Btw, I’m not so secretly completely infatuated with her.

She walks into the theater spies me in the corner messing with my iPod and gives me the weakest wave ever and stalks off. There is something off with her. When I got up to where she was buying the tickets I came up from behind seeking a hug

“Don’t- I’m cranky.” She said rather coldly.

“Why”

“No reason, I’m tired, it’s cold, and people were walking 5 across in fr-..”

I’m sure she kept talking, but I tuned out. I got the gist and it’s a gist I think I effectively communicated to you so let’s just leave it at that. She’s in a bad mood.

My typical reaction is crap like this is to jump in a cab and leave. Who needs shit like this right? Of course, I’m f***ed here. I’m not in full control of my reactions when it comes to her. Also, I', pretty sure i could stare at her all day (see what i mean)

So anyway, I toughed it out, it’s a movie after all, the possibility of pissing off an already pissed of person when you’re not talking is pretty low, so long as you avoid talking.

I started reeling off jokes like there was no tomorrow. I started by joking that being in a bad mood makes it ok to be borderline rude, she moved up a few steps in the escalator subconsciously signaling her displeasure.

I persisted. It’s what I do, persist. I pushed more random jokes, all of them falling flat. Fuck her! She’s going to smile even if I have to start juggling on a unicycle.

Finally I hit-

“Do you need anything from the concession stand?”
“No, do you?”
“No, I just wanted to make sure you were not too distracted by your stalking to remember that you wanted a soda or something..”

She smiled. I won!

Sorta,

What did I win? Why did this fucking matter so much to me? What does this victory really represent?

Would it have kept us from having the eventual fight that’s starts the second I confuse my life for an episode of Dawson’s Creek?

Well, it didn’t…

The Gates

I went to see the gates two Sundays ago. It was a date, facilitated by our friends at Match.com. My roommate, the Marlboro Man, got winked at by a woman recently. He showed me her picture and asked me my opinion. I was non-committal in that way that says, “If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all.".

I, of course, followed these thoughts up by rushing to my room and winking at her on match.com. Our emails were great, back and forth witty banter, incredibly long. The last email I left I offered my phone number and encouraged her to call. I spent the ensuing Saturday, high as a kite at my boy’s apartment uptown and missed her call, her somewhat spontaneous call was to invite me to see the gates. I returned her call the next day and we agreed to meet that afternoon.

She was incredibly tall, and very thin. I am also incredibly tall but shaped like an apple, at least we were at eye level. Our conversation was far reaching and last six hours. Ever go from zero to dating? I might have, of course I’m an idiot I can ruin anything, I can ruin everything and not even notice it and sit there and lie to myself about it.. I’m sure I will soon. Like in the next story…

F-Bomb

I dropped the f-bomb on a conference call at work the other day. It was Ash Wednesday. I went to church. It was great. I spent the whole daying trying my darndest not to touch my head. Towards the end of the day at the most inopportune moment, while on the phone with a client I rubbed my forehead. Of course, I had done such a good job not touching my forehead up to that point, that it was packed with ash. Most of which was just begging for a reason to go for a ride on nature’s roller coaster, gravity.

As soon as I did it, I paid the price. Ash was all over my eyes and I was in seering pain.

“FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK”

After the first fuck, I put the phone on mute. Somewhere between the first and second fuck (the second being a reaction to the first) I banged my toe against a wall and I dealt with that pain by swinging my arm wildly knocking a water bottle over. I leave it the reader to allot f-bombs to embarrassing actions.

Within seconds my screen was populated with IM messages asking why I’m cursing.
I had no good answer and was trying not to cry from the seering pain in my eyes.

I stayed on mute the rest of the call and debated how to punish myself.

Things Fall apart

What’s been going on with this blog? No one is posting stuff anymore. What are the members of Team Hose up to?

Evil- Somewhere in the throws of depression on the Upper East Side. I can say with some certainty that Evil has watched over 35 movies in the last month and spent more time interacting with his HD TV than with real people, either virtually of physically. Post a movie review already you freak…

KenTak3- Has moved to Brooklyn (virtually) and is too good for either me or Evil at this point. In my mind’s, I see him walking around with his half, gay, dog thru the street of Ft. Greene like he owns the place

Sleeve- Sleeve has not been seen since Superbowl Sunday, where he and his dad held each other as Donovan McNabb had an emotional breakdown. He is also posting on a competing blog; I try not to hold it against him.

Manolo- Manolo is still out there failing fabulously. His promise to post more and more was of course empty.

Where have I been? I’ve been failing fabulous at life, work and love - same as always. Right this second though, I have a backlog of stories to share. Tragic stories, funny stories, tragically funny stories; Stories about moment of extreme honest, stories about arguments in the back of cabs, stories about extremely honest arguments in the back of cabs; moments of sheer confusion; self defeating stories and finally tragically funny self defeating stories about extremely honest arguments that happen in the back of cabs.

I’ve got something to say and its time I got back to saying it.

Manolo Gives You A Pearl Necklace

WHOO-HAH! I couldn't sleep last night and for some reason, my brain would not shut up even after stabbing it with a Q-Tip.

Anyways, after shouting "I'm in the dark, here!" my brain started shutting down but not before giving some last minute pearls of wisdom. Here they are for your emotional and mental growth.

* Laughter is the best medicine, Vicodin is a close second (reminiscing about the time I broke my back while trying out the Kama Sutra and was on pain medication for 2 years).

*Foreplay’s for sissies!!! You show her your ceiling right away or you show her the door.

*Sympathy sex...it ain’t pretty but it works.

*Your hand...think about it!!!

*Lesbians pouring liquid latex on themselves..(i fell asleep)...

Beisbol

Baseball season is upon us and rather than hanging in Florida, throwing some balls around, all the big stars are running for cover.

Owners are thinking back nostalgically for the days when their biggest problem in February, would be covering the dead hooker that David Cone would wake up to in his hotel room.

But now, the original 40/40 Man himself, Jose Canseco is broke, bitter and insanely jealous of Mark McGwire and has decided to make some money off of Paul Bunyon's shine.

You know what I say? GOOD FOR HIM! You have no idea how exhausting it was to watch McGwire get a free pass from the media. Everybody loves Mark, MARK, MARK. They caught him with the Andro, "oh its no big deal", his body suddenly fails on him "oh, he just got old"...

I don't care much about the controversy overall, steriods won't help you hit a 90mph fastball, in fact bulking up might inhibit your ability to do so, but when you do connect WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW...watch it fly. I'm just very tired of everybody running out there defending freaking Mark McGwire...

Manolo Goes To The Zoo

My mother has 11 brothers and sisters, and with each of them having 3-4 kids, it means that I have 40 cousins or so.

Every now and then, it falls on me to grab a handful and take them to the movies of take them to the park.

Anyways, this past Saturday a couple of my younger cousins were at my parents house playing Xbox and chatting online. I decided that this was not the proper way for kids to spend a lovely Saturday afternoon.

I told them to put on some pants (it runs in the family…shout out to Xtian) and for them to get in the car. We get to the zoo and after standing behind some kids from the yellow short bus and giving the zoo $10 per kid and having $70 electronically magically disappear from my bank account, we get in.

Anyway, we see all sorts of animals…we see the giant tortoise and the chimpanzees…we see lions, tigers, bears, oh mine!! We eventually get to the elephants and lo and behold, there is a male elephant.

My seven year old cousin Erica grabs my arm and pulls it until I am bent to the point where she can whisper in my ear. Mind you, the volume of this particular whisper can be compared to the level found on somebody who talks while listening to really loud hard rock on their walkman.

Erica: “MANOLO, WHAT's THAT? THAT THING HANGING THERE?”

Me: “What thing?”

E: That thing hanging from the elephant, the purple thing with the gray spots”

Given the fact that he has no pants, I am very certain it wasn’t a roll of quarters in his pocket. That elephant had a fifth leg, the size of a small man. It was probably 4-5 feet long just hanging in the cool South Florida winds.

Me: (laughter) I don't know honey...I think he is just a sick....a very sick elephant...(i am of course secretly hoping of being struck down with said disease)

I start laughing…the young couple next to me starts laughing. My sister joins me plus the other cousins in the group. After a minute of everyone laughing and pointing at each other (no, you tell her, no you tell her), my little cousin, who had joined the laughing, stops and asks:

E: “What are we laughing at?”

Of course, there is another laughing episode between us, the aforementioned young couple, and the other 7-8 people who had joined the festivities.

Deep down, I am prolonging this laughing fit in order to formulate a proper response. She is seven years old…she is not my kid. I don’t know how she is being raised on a daily basis. I don’t want to be the one responsible for introducing the word penis into her vocabulary…I am secretly hoping she just gets interested in something else and she forgets. I am hoping that one of my siblings or cousins is smart enough to see in what dire straits I am and will rescue me…but alas, they are my family and are totally useless…

But oh wait… It’s the most amazing coincidence…a stroke of luck…she tells me she needs to go to the bathroom...

Me: Sure honey, let’s go everybody…double time!

We are swiftly moving past all the other animal exhibits just giving them a cursory glance…and then my luck runs out…we ran past the cutest pigmy hippos which of course my little cousin has to stop and see…

Lo and behold, there is a pigmy hippo with a similar problem as the elephant…only thing is this pigmy hippo is relieving his bladder…

My little cousin starts giving me the most quizzical look, then at the little tiny hippo, then at me, then at the tiny little hippo, then at me, then at the little tiny hippo, then at me, then at the tiny little hippo…then she just walks away…

I then patted myself in the back for a job well done…