Manolo Goes On A Date

I don’t like Miami from a transportation perspective. Miami lacks a mass transit system which means you can’t be spontaneous…you can’t hop on a train or a bus or a cab and go somewhere. You always have to plan it ahead of time. You can’t be dynamic a la Xtian…There is always a set of questions that need to be answered before you step out the door. Where are you going? Who is picking who? Who is the designated driver? Where is everyone meeting? Who is following who?

I invited this young lady to go out dancing with me to Bongos (local place where big Spanish bands sometimes play). My lady friend comes over to my place where I quickly make some amaretto sours as I give her a tour of my 1-bedroom apartment in my Melrose Place wannabe complex. I show her the living room, the kitchen, the bathroom and the bedroom. I show her the pool and hinted at us maybe going skinny dipping later on. The whole tour was over in about a minute which was probably a preview of things to come, gggrrr!!!!

We engaged in trivial conversation and I found out that she doesn’t like seafood. I excused myself for a moment and very discreetly called “The Rusty Pelican” to cancel our reservation. Some of you, knowing the fact that I am a very picky eater who doesn’t eat any seafood or vegetables may ask yourself why am I making reservations to a seafood restaurant. I was taking a gamble...Most seafood restaurants have at least one land-based dish and the restaurant itself is on an island which has a beautiful view of Miami’s skyline and I was hoping the romantic value was worth more than my appetite.

After some more conversation, I find out that she is not a big eater either…We decide that the best option for us would be to do is to go to a tapas restaurant and get a variety of items of small-sized items so we could share…Since it was kind of her decision, I let her order…I am “like seriously, what can she order at a tapas place I wouldn’t eat”…Boy, was I wrong!!! She ordered some duck quesadillas, buffalo (boofalo soldiers-shout out to Balls Mahoney) meat empanadas and stuffed mushrooms. Simple and delightful delicacies I would never ever touch…

I am very discreetly making my way around my quesadilla, while having the normal date conversation of parents, siblings, work, sexual positions, etc. I guess my bringing up sexual positions raised some alarms because all of a sudden she started talking about God, how she had a very serious catholic upbringing and to this day she is a virgin who is saving herself for marriage. This is all commendable stuff, for somebody else! The situation does not bode well for me…

I don’t know if it was the fact that at that point I knew I was not going to get any, not unless I devote a large amount of time to this girl, or that I was very hungry, so hungry, but something snapped.

I decided to complete obliterate this “God” world of hers and kept asking all sorts of existential, philosophical, and science questions. Don’t you get horny? What do you do when that happens? Haven’t you seen that in the movies, when a woman is about to reach her height of erotic pleasure, she screams “God” and sometimes try to touch him? Don’t you want to be closer to him? Don't you want to touch Him? Do you touch yourself?

She went on this crazy tangent about Adam and Eve and how all of us are paying our dues because Eve ate the apple (I don’t know, maybe all her options were some buffalo empanadas and she was hungry)…Then that led to a discussion on evolution and the big bang theory…lo and behold, she doesn’t believe in any of that crap. Who doesn't believe in Evolution or the Big Bang Theory? I thought it was the crazy people in the Red states (I forgat, I am in a Red state).

I am prodding and prodding until she yells, “ARE YOU CRAZY? WE DON’T COME FROM MONKEYS.” It happened right as there was a general lull in the whole restaurant…everyone turned and looked at us.

I was turned on…she was all flushed, tense, like a beast…all this pent up sexual energy…My whole future flashed before my eyes…I imagined the church, I imagined marrying this woman and then I imagined the wedding night…oh yeah!

Somehow, kids popped into the picture...I saw myself in a never ending tug of war of things to come…my “wife” spewing her religious beliefs and telling the kids about God, how evolution doesn’t exist, and how there is no big bang theory and I in the other end trying to raise my kids as “secular humanists.”

Anyways, after a little bit of an awkward silence, I told her that she was entitled to her own opinions and that I respect it her for it, and blah blah blah. Dinner ended and we went to dance the night away. Things did improve on the dance floor, and all the tension from dinner had somehow dissipated. We were actually having fun…

I finally took her to my place to get her car, and as we are saying goodbye, we ended up in a big passionate kiss. It was one of those strong kisses where you just grab each other and don’t want to let go. I opened my eyes and I noticed that her two arms, which are kind of resting on top of my shoulders, have that fuzz of hair that some women have (which I found coincidentally amusing).

She finally got in her car and drove away…I took inventory of the night, to see what went wrong or right, what conversation topics needed to be changed, what anedecotes needed to be updated...mind you, not for this girl...that was crazy, a chick with arm air…that’s one second date that won’t be happening (shiver)...