The x(Tian) Clan: The Return Part 2 : Hot Wet Bitches

The day my brother arrives, I am working from home with someone I spend far too much time with.

My brother walks in declaring Fantastic Four on the top of the agneda. Never mind that there is a rehearsel dinner that night. Never mind that we are hitting a strip club, never mind there is a wedding tomorrow. We gotta watch fantastic four.

The three of us nearly cry its so terrible.

Later, me and Baby bump stop at a hot dog stand in tribeca and wait for Uncle Boobie. Who is picking out flowers with his soon to be wife. We show up several hours late to the actual church rehearsal.

My brother nearly fights with the priest> I'm not sure if its because he can't tell him how to find the bathroom or because he tells the lil big head to stop complaining.

The more things change...

At the rehearsal dinner (which is outdoors) we eat more grilled meat than we know what to do with. The in-laws judge us for our eating habits. The Bumpasaurus makes it a point to suck the marrows out of every bone on his plate.

Domingo steps up, after downing half a bottle of rum, and calls me a punk. Domingo and I have had a special bond ever since he beat the shit of me with a bucket of baseballs in 1987. He is the arbitrar of tough love. He's tough on me and I love him for it. His logic was once again sound

"xTian, How can you as the best man be asleep at the wheel. Where are the strippers?"

Uncle Boobie's future father in law looks up from his steak with an arched eye brow. We pointedly act like he's not there, because his punk ass is irrelevant to this conversation.

"Fine lets go"

"Yes, we're all too drunk to drive. The bumpasaurus should drive"

"Agreed. he's drunk but young"

me, the bumpasaurus, domingo and frank the tank (boobie's brother) grab boobie and drag towards an unsuspecting SUV.

We spend the next several hours in a strip club. No one can find Boobie anywehre but someone hands domingo an out of control bill. Lord knows what he was up to. Domingo can barely stand and Frank (the Tank) can't stop laughing.

The Bumpasaurus can't stop laughing either. Only it's because I managed to spill a red bull all over myself and I am shining green.

As we wlak out of the strip club. A russian fellow pulls up to the club and loads all his russian white slaves (sorry I mean strippers) into his beat up Winebego. My uncles have a good laugh at how these woman are paying off their illegal immigrant status in NJ.

We deposit my uncles (boobie and Frank the Tank at Boobie's house) and depart with the cooler of beer and all the meat we could find.

We head over to Domingo's house. We got beer. We got meat we get down to it. At four am we're making Quesedillas, eating burgers, getting the drink on. Domingo is like "[Bump] this is the first time you're in my house. Let me show you around"

Bang, walk into the room my grandparents are in. Turn on the lights

Grandparents:"the hell?"

Domingo:"here are your grandparents!"

Bump:"right"

We go upstairs

Domingo:"this is my daughter's room" (flick the lights on)

Domingo's daughter: "are you guys a$$holes"

Me and Bumpasaurus: "HAHAHAHAHAHA" (in unison)

Bump: "where are my parents?"

Domingo (leading us into another room): "here" (Flick on the lights)

Domingo: "I need to find you guys the air mattress and you fuckers are going to sleep o nthem too. I spent all day in Wal Mart getting you air mattresses"


We walk into his bedroom. The lights come on

My Aunt: Godddamn you domingo what are you doing?

Domingo: Shhh...people are sleeping...

My mother walks in form some other room half groggy.

Mommy: "what are you idiots doing, laughing and following him around"

There is no good answer.

Domingo decides that his son is on the air mattress reserved for the Bump, and starts dragging him off by the leg. Monkey Boy Three is shrieking. Me and Bump continue to laugh like the monkey boys we are.

Later as we're filling up the air mattresses we have to endure Domingo diving head first into the mattresses and making the air pump fly across the room and onto an unsuspecting wall (several times) It's 530 by the time we're done.

...How are we going to get to this wedding at all?