Evil
PRODUCTIVE MEMBER OF SOCIETY
Congrats to XTIAN, who today is officially back in the workforce, earning an honest living. After sitting on his ass for two years and hiding from the realities of the world (aka Business School), I'm glad that someone is now earning a salary and paying taxes. I will also be glad when someone cashes his first sales commission check, so that I can enjoy the viewing pleasure of this new high-definition plasma TV.
Monday, June 28, 2004
Saturday, June 26, 2004
Evil
BAD HYGIENE?
I woke up. Body hurting all over. Hurting. Was I in a fight? While sleeping? Improbable, but I still hurt. Stumble to the bathroom. Don't remember the details. A shower might have happened. Then hunching over the sink. Listerine-ing. Swishing swishing. Spit out.
Running down the drain... Listerine AND A ROACH?! What was a roach doing in my mouth? Disturbing.
Evil
I wanna know who's managing Shannon Hoon's estate. Who sold out "No Rain" to Pespi? Have you seen the commercial? What is that crap.
BTW- XTIAN's favorite song to product tie-in is Jewel's "Intuition" for the Schick Intuition razor.
Thursday, June 17, 2004
One-Man Bukkake Show
Let me present to you a hypothetical situation that happened to (ahem) a friend of mine...A girl comes over to your (your friend's) new place but its "her" time of the month so you (your friend) is somewhat limited as to what he can do. In order to avoid paying the cleaning lady extra you (your friend) forego the normal repertoire of patented moves and you go for the old bj...you are having a grand old time and all of a sudden, there is "man juice" all over her face and breasts. You draw a couple of happy faces and stick figures with your drawing tool and then you pass her the bounty and send her to get herself cleaned up...
This aforementioned young woman then calls you the next morning and tells you that she just came from the eye doctor because some "man juice" had gotten into her right eye the night before and her eye had gotten all red and puffy.
My hypothetical question is that given the fact that she has no health insurance (damn the fact that we have no universal health care) and she had to pay close to $250 in eye drops and the doctor's visit, is my friend obligated to repay her? Are these risks she should have been aware of? Is this part of the fine print, part of the social contract? Are these occupational hazards and is therefore my friend free from any liability?
Curious in Miami...
Tuesday, June 15, 2004
Evil
PASTY WHITE BOY FROM INDIANA
This is my outdated news commentary because I am perpetually 3 days to 3 months behind the world. Anyway, Charles Barkley made an amusing comment:
"I'll tell you what was really funny was . . . we always thought it was an insult when they put (Bird) on one of us, because he was the worst defensive player ever," Barkley said.
Larry Bird is right though. The league really does need more white stars. It's interesting to note that the league's best Chinese player is far and away better than the league's best white player. Witness:
I love how Mark Madsen is totally getting mugged in that photo.
Monday, June 14, 2004
Evil
MY PEOPLE
You know what's crazy? The fact that I wasn't invited to this...
YIN Magazine, which launched quietly a few weeks ago, celebrated its debut with a swanky party last Thursday at a New York City art gallery. The magazine--a fashion, beauty, and entertainment book aimed at 20- to-30-something Asian-American women...
I mean, CMON! What do I have to do to break into the New York Asian Media scene. Let's face it. That couldn't be a big scene. It's like breaking into a group of 11. Yet another affirmation that I am not popular. Oh wait, you are a blog reader, not my shrink. I will take this up with her...
On an unrelated note, but still regarding Asians. Did anyone notice the new Friendster CEO? He's Japanese!!! Scott Sassa. You wouldn't know by the name, but the dude really is Japanese. Check out his pic and bio.
Can someone fill me in on how a Japanese dude gets a last name like Sassa? Someone? Kentaro... umm, I mean, Anonymous?
Sunday, June 13, 2004
Friday, June 11, 2004
Thursday, June 10, 2004
Evil
Jack Black beat out Will Ferrell for best comedic performance?! COME ON!!! That's not right. Granted, Jack Black is the second most talented man in Hollywood (behind Robert Downey Jr.), but clearly Will Ferrell's performance in Elf was superior. I mean, he's like a 12 foot tall dude playing an elf. Talk about range.
Jack Black is going nuts during is acceptance speech. HEY! I just saw a pigeon fly out of his beard. Did anyone else catch that? That was crazy.
Evil
Eve, Ice Cube, and the goblin are presenting an award. The goblins in definitely the star of this show. They are presenting for best fight.
Keanu vs. Hugo Weaving
Queen Latifa vs. Missy Who?
Uma vs. That sexy little schoolgirl!!!
Hugh Jackman vs. someone
The Rock vs. some dudes in a jungle
UMA WINS! That Japanese schoolgirl was way sexy. I bet I could take her.
Evil
Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore just won for best on screen team. Hey, when did Drew become so thin? Her legs are looking great. Is she on Trimspa?
YO!
YO!
Why is their acceptance speech being bleeped all over the place. This is cable! WTF? This blows. This blows like an insecure 16 year old looking for acceptance.
there is a troll imprisoned under the stand...someone get him out! He's trapped!
Uma Thurman is drunk and just implied Tarantino was dead ?! She just said that Kill Bill was about women voting....right...sure...
Did anyone notice that both Jaime and Cruise had a shit face on when they kissed Uma as congratulations...it was totally like "ew...girls...boobs...ew" who are these guys? Carson and Jai Rodriguez?
You know what would be a sick porno video? Christina Aguilera, Sharon Stone and Lil John! They could do something with molases and Lil John could be yelling "YEAAAAAAAAAAAH" the whole time. I always figured sharon stone would suck in bed...i dunno why...but Xtina might make someone take a dump on her.
I am not sure what gives Ashlee the right to judge what anyone is wearing...her dress looks like Jean-Paul Guiter and P Diddy got in a hissy fight with yellow paint. She looks like Jessica but only after 35 surgeries to combat the effects of a disfiguring car accident.
Paris Hilton: so ummm...what's your favorite movie?
Matthew Perry: Ummmm
PH:...
MP: Did you ever watch "Jacob's Ladder"?
PH: No
MP: It's a scary movie
PH: I'll have to watch it...and now lets cut to Sway
MP: HuH?
Xtian: The problem with having Paris do red carpet interviews is that she has the personality of a newt and also that she's wearing clothes....
Staring the pregame show!
Suchin is live (five days after the event was recorded) from the red carpet as Suchin, Lil John and Paris Hilton are here to say hello!
Suchin goofs on Lil John for 3 minutes without him noticing. Does anyone else think lil john is high as hell?
Ashley Simpson looks like Jessica but hit by a baseball bat!
Evil
NOT AN OUTDATED MOVIE REVIEW -- Garden State
I caught an advanced screening of Garden State earlier this week. The movie stars Natalie Portman, who -- I am disappointed to report -- looks a bit older and a lot less space-er-iffic than the last time I saw her. Why can't 14 year old girls remain 14 forever? Oh wait, forget I said that last part. Anyway, the movie also stars some other dude, whose character grew up in New Jersey, which means that his character was basically unbearable. I mean, popping anti-depressants, moping around, bouncing around Hollywood doing various acting gigs. Why can't that guy just get a cushy job at Morgan Stanley and drive around in an Audi? That's clearly the thing to do.
Back to Natalie Portman. She was great. Greater than great. Her character is some spazz. They used a medical term to describe it. Eppilepstick. Something like that. She was so spazzy, she needed to wear a helmet on a day to day basis. I thought that was great. Natalie Portman looks cute in a helmet. And besides that, she did a great job with the character because the character could have easily been one annoying chick, but as it turned out, what might have been annoying turns out to be endearing.
To be honest, I don't remember much about the movie. I'm a bad movie watcher that way. It did have a prominent soundtrack tho. Too prominent. Every other scene cut away to some "emo" track. I mean, wasn't Kid A so 5 years ago?
Did I have a point? Clearly not. I am just trying to up my word count! HAH!
Evil
Some of you might be wondering's what's the latest with my nephew, Jason. You know, the emotionally-scarred-by-parents, unhealthy-relationship-with-food, emotionally-withdrawn kid. Well, my sister reports that Jason was caught hitting another kid in daycare because the other kid tried to take his sippy cup. Jason's favorite word is "NO!", which he uses in almost all contexts, but maybe that's because he only knows two words (the other is "Daddy"). The kid hasn't learned how to say "Mommy" yet, which I think is hilarious.
Tuesday, June 08, 2004
Monday, June 07, 2004
Evil
THE OFFICIAL PASTTIME OF SUMMER
There's a simple way to tell whether or not your neighborhood is keepin' it real: by the amount of stoop-sitting that takes place. I just moved and I've noticed that there's much stoop-sitting activity around me and I'm glad to see that. It reminds me of the old neighborhood, of growing up. The old neighborhood had lots of stoops and also lots of asses to sit on them. The asses mostly belonged to Colombian dads and moms. On summer evenings, my parents always liked to go for walks around the neighborhood -- mostly from our house to the elementary school and back. This was before everyone had cable and Xbox, so after-dinner family entertainment was decidedly low tech. I remember we would walk past house after house, decorated with sitters on their stoops. The kids of the family would be out front, kicking around a soccer ball. My dad liked to cheer, "Maradona! Maradona!" when he saw Colombian kids playing soccer. In retrospect, I don't know if that was a stupid thing to say or what because I wouldn't want no Colombian dude coming up to me and cheering "General Tso! General Tso!" I'm just glad no one ever got popped in the eye.
Anyway, my new neighborhood is kind of like the old neighborhood, except that most of the families here are black. Not much kicking around of soccer balls, but there is much grilling of meats on the street. On a random summer night, I see at least one active grill per block, you know, the ones that are huge half-spheres will three legs sticking out of them. Seeing this makes me want to get a grill. I swear I could eat grilled meats three times a day. But I'm hesitating on that decision because really, how sad would that look? Some random Chinese dude who is grilling all by himself. Most likely I will also be sobbing quietly to myself. Also likely, I will be wearing clown makeup.
I don't know. Maybe I'll get a grill anyway. I'm going to go think about it. Outside, sitting on the stoop.
Evil
Go Pistons! Who's better than Ben Wallace? Nobody!
I am a little disappointed that the NBA Finals are on ABC. I liked it much better when the earlier rounds were on NBC, or whatever network has Marv Albert and Mike Fratello. I love it during Laker games when Kobe drives to the hoop and the announcer shouts, "WHAT GREAT PENETRATION BY KOBE!" It gives me the mental image that Marv and The Czar are doing play-by-play for a Kobe rape scene. That shit cracks me up every time.
(The above is funny all around, besides just the Kobe/rape thing... Marv Albert and sexual deviance is a winner every time. And imagine The Czar telestrating a rape. This could be an edgy SNL skit, if SNL were an x-rated show.)
Sunday, June 06, 2004
2004 MTV Movie Awards
This thursday I will be watching the 2004 MTV Movie Awards with my brother, Pacey. Similar to what Evil and I have done in the past, we are going to try to do some real time commentary. LIndsay Lohan's boobs are hosting so its probably ripe with material. Hopefully, Sleeve, Cheo and Evil can jump on to lend a hand...
Saturday, June 05, 2004
Evil
OFFICE CLOWNERY
Although I supposedly work with a bunch of smart people, sometimes I think everyone is just a clown inside. (I know I am.) Here are some crazy ass observations from around the office.
One. There's a sign posted above the main fax machine. It reads, "Please don't throw out any signed contracts that come in on this fax!" DUDE, I couldn't imagine that this sign was put up for no reason. Can you imagine that at some point, some clown was going around trashing signed contracts? Isn't that the only important thing that comes in via fax? Who knows.
Two. Our VP of Sales sent an email to the entire office yesterday. It was a plea for everyone to be more considerate... stuff like, please don't throw trash on the ground, and please don't go around knocking over garbage cans. The email was bizarre. It came from the guy whose team has a $1 Billion quota for the year (or something like that. Or maybe the quota is a trillion. It's a big number, let's just say that). And he's concerning himself with how trashy (literally!) the office looks. At one point, I thought the email was going to say, "And one last thing, if you take a shit in the bathroom, please don't smear your feces all over the walls." But he didn't actually write that. I was relieved. (No one has caught me yet!)
Three. We have the cutest summer intern ever! Of all time!!! She's from some small university that I never heard of. Given that this company is known for hiring brainiacs, I am going to assume this girl slid by on her looks. And boy am I glad she did! My morale has been up 100% since she's been here. Just by virtue of ogling her for 45 minutes (cumulative) each day.
Yesterday was Friday and the intern clearly ran out of business clothes. She shows up to work wearing something that probably belonged to her mom. Ill-fitting. Old-fashioned looking. Crazy outfit that made her look like a 1950's secretary. But whatever, she is way cute. Not hot. Cute. Like, cute face, nice body, if slightly chubby. This girl fits into one of two profiles, but definitely nothing in between...
Profile A: Cute. Has never been poked.
Profile B: Has been poked continuously since age 14. Abandoned vaginal at around age 17. Now exclusively into anal.
I'm not sure which it is.
Monday, May 31, 2004
Shrek 2
My wife and I recently took my daughter to watch Shrek 2. I figured it would be a nice movie to watch with the FAMILY. Amazingly, I was actually able to sit through the entire film without me spilling my popcorn on top of someone's head. Anyway, after the movie was over, I found myself very confused. I had just realized that Antonio Banderas' charater Puss N Boots was a closet homosexual. I found this completely appalling, considering that this was my daughter's favorite movie. My daughter is too young for me to speak to her about sexuality, but she is old enough to ask questions about why Puss is hitting on Shrek. This is my moral dilemma. What can I do? What should I do?
Stupid things you do when you're drunk.
I recently returned from a convention at the jersey shore. It was a beautiful weekend full of barbecues, horseshoes, and alot of liquor. But what compelled me to write about my weekend was what happened during one of the nights we stayed. After a brief stroll down the boardwalk, my wife and I and another couple decidedto go back to the hotel for some drinks. I figured that I could get my wife drunk enough to have sex with me. But, when we arrived back at the hotel, we found the wives of the other members drunk in front of our door trying to pry open our door. They had found out that we were storing several bottles of liquor in our room for which they felt compelled to relieve us of. Well, after beating them off with a stick, I reluctantly gave them a bottle of Hennessey to leave us alone. After about five minutes, the women were back wanting more. I tried to fight off as many women as I could, but I was severely outnumbered. They were able to take a bottle of Hypnotic. I was crushed!! Fortunately, the women left us alone and proceeded to bang on everyone else's door the rest of the night. Unfortunately for me, my wife felt it unwise to drink that night and I ended up relieving myself in the bathroom. What a waste of a weekend!!!
Evil
Random thoughts for the day...
(1) It was raining but Kentaro and I played golf anyway. Showing some toughness. Until I got home and immediately hit the sack for a nap. Then woke up. Head hurting. Is this why moms don't let their kids play in the rain?
(2) Some words are clearly underused in popular culture. At the top of that list is Gringo. I mean, how great is that word. It's one of those words that sounds funny even if you don't know what it means. Everyone should make an effort to incorporate Gringo into daily conversation. Once a day is fine (to start).
(3) Back to Kentaro. He is a bad person. Let me ask you... who goes and seeks out the video of an American dude getting his head sawed off by some Iraqi dudes? Who has interest in watching something like this? Anyway, if you're interested in that, check this out. It's a video of a black kid beating up a white kid. Hilarity ensues.
Outdated Movie Review
TROY
WOW! Was this movie a questionable choice! Let's start by saying that I loved the Illiad. Tough book (epic poem) to get thru? Sure, especially with a blind minstrel singing it to you. But the story rocks hard. I liked the fact that the whole thing took 10 years. I liked the fact that no one seemed to have any redeeming qualities. Here is where this movie went wrong:
The whole thing seemed to take about 3 weeks, if you include the 12 days for Hector's burial ceremony.
Odysseus was played up like a hero, wasn't he somewhat greyer in the real story. Here they play it like he has some sway over Achilles, whereas I always had the impression he just duped him.
What is up with Achilles? Brad Pitt played him like a primadonna sports athlete, and he was too F***ing whiney, toughen up yo!
Anyway, no real love for the movie!
I do think that any summer movie watching list should include the following two films:
Saved
Garden State
Sunday, May 30, 2004
Evil
I don't know what to make of this photo:
I also don't know what to make of the site where I found it: Jewsweek. Whoa. Hah!
Friday, May 28, 2004
A man ahead of his time
I find it surprising that no one has mentioned the death of David Dellinger. A true hero of the American people. His views may have been a bit socialist, or maybe even a bit communist. But they were pure; they were honest; and more importantly, they were very accurate. Capitalism has corrupted this society. It has made us believe that we are free while it strips every fabric of individuality from our souls. Is that what we want our lives to become? Take it from me, I envy where David is right now.
Fidel in 2004!
Evil
HITTING THE WALL
Yo, has anyone seen John Elway lately? That guy is not looking good at all. Check out his pic here.
Evil
DEATH TRAIN
From my new apartment, it takes me 12 minutes to get to work. (Woo hoo!) But I also run the risk of dying at any given point during the ride. (Boooo!) I take the 2/3 and you've probably never noticed, but check out the huge, uninterrupted stretch between 110th Street and 96th Street:
What this means is that the 2/3 is barreling down the tunnel with all of the speed of a Japanese bullet train, but with none of the technology. Every morning I find myself clutching onto the pole for dear life. You'd think this would be a sensible thing to do, except when the train hits one of those 90 degree turns (see map above) and slams my balls right into the pole.
I am still alive today. Enjoy me while you can.
Thursday, May 27, 2004
Evil
My new apartment is randomly smelly. I can't figure it out. Like, in the bedroom, the corner where the dresser is smells like very ripe papaya. It actually smells sort of nice for a second, but you can tell the papaya is 5 minutes away from rottenness. Except that there's no papaya. Where's that smell coming from?!
My kitchen in general smells like feet. Not my feet. But it's a generic feet smell. I bet no one's feet actually smells like that. But if someone engineered a Scratch-N-Sniff sticker of feet, it would smell like my kitchen. Not very appetizing, I know. I didn't invite you over for dinner though, so leave me alone.
The area near the stove smells like smoke and ash. Oh wait, that makes sense.
When I lie on my bed, the scent of dryer sheets lingers on the half of the bed that's empty. I think there's a laundry room right outside my window. It must be in the next building. There's no laundry room in this building. There's no drop off laundromat in a 5 block radius. I really have no idea what the laundry situation is. I've started wearing suits to work. That's the only thing that's still clean. At some point, I might start wearing suits to bed. At least my bed smells laundry fresh.
Wednesday, May 26, 2004
Evil
The cleaning lady set my apartment on fire, leaving me with a dusting of ash and a moral dilemma.
These pictures are just a re-creation of the scene... notice the cleaned up stovetop and the wipe marks on the cabinet.
Here's how things went down:
I get this cleaning lady from craigslist because I was moving into a new apartment and I had a feeling that the crackwhore who used to live there wasn't so clean. So the cleaning lady comes, I let her in, and I tell here I'll be back in 3 hours. Off I went to finish packing my old apartment for the move.
I come back 3 hours later, open the door, and the cleaning lady stands there startled. Black smudges are all over her face. She tells me there was a fire. I go, What? She explains. Her story seems implausible. I have never in my life seen fire appear out of nowhere, with no warning.
Here is my dilemma: the cleaning lady said she would take responsibility... pay for the replacement parts to the fridge, the stove burner, clean up the walls. That sounded good, but now I feel bad about it. The replacement parts come out to about $150. Is that a lot of money to a cleaning lady? Was it really her fault to begin with, or just dumb luck? Should I offer to pay half?
I have her address. She lives in the East Village. There's a good chance she pays more rent than me, considering that I live in a crackden in Harlem. Every other building up here is boarded up.
What should I do? Weigh in!
Monday, May 24, 2004
The Hustle endth
So The Hustle got shut down when I got serious about my job search. After all was said and done it was a better use of my time to actually go out and get a job rather than writing occasionally funny columns about failing to get one.
Here is how the Hustle ended .
The Complete (and unedited Hustle) can be found here.
Wednesday, May 12, 2004
Happy Birthday!
Today, The Hose turns 1 years old! That's pretty exciting no? No, I guess its not. What had initially started as me talking about what was going on last summer in Brazil is now a completely different thing. I can't even describe it. I know for about 3 months all anyone did was talk NBA Playoffs (btw, NETS!) then that ended. We tried a B School thing, but I was the only tool in B School. Then no one knew what to do. At various points we had a number of random contributors show up but none had the interest or humoric (not a word) consistency to deliver on a day to day basis. Even the guys who did stick around lack those traits, but, what are you gonna do, right? It looks like its just going to be me, Evil, and Sleeve moving forward.
Thanks to everyone who has written or read. which i think sums up to 4 people total!
Here's what to look out for in the year ahead:
X-Tian moves back to NY, sells out to the man and fails to get a girlfriend
Evil fresh off the biggest IPO of the century somehow still fails to translate it into getting any ass.
Sleeve manages to keep lots of random ass around just in case
Tuesday, May 11, 2004
Smarter than its target Audience
Ok, I love Tina Fey. I love her wit, I love "Weekend Update" I love her geek cool style, and I love the scar on her left cheek. ANYWAY, the point was I was going to give Mean Girls a chance no matter what.
And let me tell you, I loved it. It was clearly smarter than its target audience. They took the idea of a Heathers took the campiness and darkness out of it and made it a little snarkier. Its really hard to think Lindsay Lohan could ever be a dork, so its cool they acknowledged that and made her a product of her upbringing. The metaphor of High School as a jungle though old felt fun here as Lohan's character tried to find analogues for her new world in her old one.
Tina Fey rocks!
Also, the thing was basically a celebration of overdeveloped 16 year old boobs! Its a winner for everyone.
Monday, May 10, 2004
Guess who's the clown?
Poor Social Skills
It's a new feature!
Everyone involved in this conversation has poor social skills:
"i put in a request for one at the apple store...the guy was less then helpful..first he made me guess which one was in stock(i guessed pink, then silver, then he pulls it out from behind his back and says..."c'mon be more observant" angered by his faggetry i proclaimed, "all i want is the gay powder blue one" in as commanding and masculine a voice as i could muster and he says okay and allows me to put in a request..i then asked how long the wait would be and he sighs "i dont know, could be weeks"...the proper action in such a situation would've been to beat the crap out of him..but exhausted from the ordeal i went home and ate a bag of french onion sun chips in my underwear while watching last week's episode of one tree hill"
The only question that remains is:
Who wrote this?
(a) Manolo
(b) Evil
(c) The Bumpasarus
(d) Sleeve
(e) Xtian
(f) Charles
(g) Cheo
Thursday, May 06, 2004
Sunday, May 02, 2004
Evil
CAMP X-RAY, UPPER EAST SIDE
We live in tumultuous and uncertain times. People used to laugh at others who constantly crane their heads upward to check that the sky is indeed not falling. But now you never know, whether it's the bigness of planes above your head or the smallness of microbes before your face. So you might well imagine my consternation when the peace of my apartment was invaded by a big ass bumblebee.
When I first saw him I leapt to my feet. I swatted at him. He evaded. I swatted again. He dashed. He dodged. I decided to put on some pants seeing as the window shades were wide open.
With pants on, I got serious. Swat. Swat. Flailing. Failing. But wait. The wind from my swatting just pushed the bee into the ceiling lights. The heat stunned it. It fell to the ground. I dumped out my metal mesh garbage can and used it to cover him. YES!
Hour 1 of captivity: He buzzes around wildly, sometimes smashing against the metal mesh. I ignore him.
Hour 2 of captivity: He has calmed down. I walk over and ask rhetorically, "Who's tough now?" I walk away.
Hour 3 of captivity: I rap viciously against the side of the metal mesh and he falls off. He climbs back on. I lift the garbage can slightly and thump it hard on the ground. He falls off again. I laugh. I tell him I'm going to H&M to buy some linen shirts for spring. I go.
Hour 6 of captivity: I consider spraying him with some chemicals stashed beneath the sink. I decide not to, because doing so would be cruel.
Hour 9 of captivity: He is now on the floor. I lift his cage. Is he still alive? Yes, he's moving, but sluggish. I snap a few photos (above).
Hour 18 of captivity: The next morning. I check on him. He's dead.
Thursday, April 29, 2004
Evil
Today was a big day for me. I've been waiting for this day for years. Literally. Ladies, gentlemen, friends, and Mr. Shoulders... I am happy to announce that today, I received my renewed passport in the mail. (For some history, see the "FIASCO" post earlier this month.)
My passport has been expired since 1998, so a few years ago, when XTIAN, KenTak3, and Mr. Shoulders went to Montreal, I had to bail. I missed out on seeing Mr. Shoulders pay $30 (Canadian!) to punch a hooker in the stomach. But then again, I bet that's not really too different from seeing Mr. Shoulders pay $30 USD to punch a hooker in the stomach.
Anyway, I just wanted to announce that I am officially good to travel, which is handy, because me and The Future Mrs. Evil are scoping out Bali for our honeymoon.
Wednesday, April 28, 2004
Monday, April 26, 2004
Perishable Goods
Yesterday on a lark, I decided it would fun to sit in the 90 degree weather as the As played the Angels.
i called up A&W and Clay and figured we could get psyched up to watch some ball. Clay is only now reading MoneyBall so that would help keep us engaged as we discussed the relative merits of Jeremy Brown and Corey Bradford.
I packed an extra shirt and A&W drove so it was already gearing up for a good time. When we picked up Clay, Clay stopped to admire A&W car. It is a nice car so the admiration is well deserved.
When we arrive at the stadium we park and Clay again stops to glance at the car. This time he notices that it is covered in sap and somewhat scratched. A&W somewhat chastised, admitted that the sap was so frustrating he tried to rub it out the day before and stopped when he realized he was scratching it. Clay suggested a detail shop he knew that could take care of this in a bout an hour.
The game itself was unremarkable, the way most games played in oppresive heat tend to be. The highlight was when we realized that with a AAA membership card we could sit in the 300 level for 4 dollars. (what other team does membership discount deals with AAA? SOmeone save the As!) Btw, the As lost 4-3 and Vlad did not even play so I was pretty frustrated.
Back at Clay's, I sat there reading while Clay took adam to drop off his car for a "1 hour detailing to remove sap" Its around 430. i should be able to make my 6pm dinner party by 7pm nice and easy. Of course, I was not even thinking in these terms. I was severely dehydrated and only thinking about water. What to do What to do.
I don't know how much time passed but i must have fallen asleep because when Clay suggested we watch Sopranos I did not connect it to mean that this meant it was 9pm on the East coast and 6pm on the west coast. After the Sopranos I watched A&W frustratedly try to contact the detail shop and get the update on his car. When he was told it would take another 30 minutes.
By this point, i had gotten a call from my hostess for the dinner party I was meant to attend. Not knowing how to handle this, I went to base instincts (fight or flee) and of course, anyone who knows me knows how that ended. After I pressed the ignore button on my phone I decided to call Darren and half explain why I sucked. Just to practice, so I could see if I could effectively present this argument to Heather and not come off like a scrub. Mission Failed! I could not even bring myself to stick with my phone conversation with Darren, put the phone down and picked up the NYTImes Magazine and played with Clay's cat.
When we finally got to the shop, we had another problem. Suddenly, the interiors guy had run off with with A&W car keys. At this point none of us knew what to do and stood around chatting with the owner of the shop for over an hour. Anxious to get out of there himself, he suggested A&W get his spare and only need to pay on return of his original key. Clay was ready to be done with me as well and suggested that he drop us off at my place and get A&W to and fro to his house to collect the spare and later collect his ride.
By the time it was all said and done, it 10pm and I still did not know how to explain what I had done for the last 4 hours....
Sunday, April 25, 2004
Evil
HAPPY BIRTHDAY KENTAK3
I met The Future Mrs. KenTak3 (TFMKT3) the other night. It was Ken's birthday party at the Gaslight Lounge and a great crowd turned out, owning mostly to TFMKT3's presence I suppose.
Early on, I spent a good 15 minutes being captivated by a tall dude who was recalling his barnstorming of the SoHo Bloomingdales grand opening. "Are you in the fashion industry?," I asked. "No," he said. "I'm a professor of computer science at NYU." Hmm, interesting. Later that evening, I found myself cozying up to that dude's roommate on the couch, making as if I had known her for years. Luckily, no one got punched in the teeth, or if I did, I don't remember because my face was already numb.
At some point, we lost track of Ken, so somebody had to go check the bathroom. Naturally, I was like, "Ezra, go find Ken in the bathroom." Haha. Clearly, I am a bad friend. This is all the more reason for XTIAN to move back to The NYC because someone has to keep an eye on that guy at all times.
On a personal note, might I also add that I met The Future Mrs. Evil (TFME) at Ken's birthday party. She was the co-host of the party, also celebrating her 28th. When I scooted over to say hi, she told me that she has read this blog! I immediately attempt to apologize for the misogynistic content on this blog, but I am tripped up by my own words. I fall on my face (figuratively), get up, dust, dust, dust... and place the blame squarely on XTIAN and his influence. I consider mentioning how my posts on the competitive blog are actually quite pro-female, sensitive, and reflective, but instead I concentrate my efforts on not tipping over while speaking to TFME. I think she appreciated that.
In lieu of a coherent ending, I will just mention that I'm heading out to the Knicks/Nets playoff game at MSG. I will wear my Tim Thomas jersey and might get some playing time coming off the bench. Look for me!
Evil
ALL YOU HAVE TO BRING...
Big Head and I have not had many phone conversations, ever. And when we do, they are usually like this:
"Yo. Where are you?"
"In a cab. Almost there."
"Ok, see you in a few."
"Ok, cool. Bye."
So it was a little strange when Big Head called and wanted to talk about advertising and media. It had something to do with the Yahoo job he's trying to get or whatnot. Which got me thinking...
What is the greatest advertising campaign of our generation?
Was it Nike's Just Do It campaign, which ran for 14 consecutive years and arguably brought experiential marketing to the mainstream? Or, on the other end of the spectrum, was it Apple Computer's 1984 super bowl commercial, which ran only once, seen by relatively few people, but has made such an impact that 20 years later, people still understand references to it?
No.
The greatest advertising campaign of our generation was for Mount Airy Lodge. C'mon, you know the jingle!
All you have to bring, is your love of ev'rything.
Virtually everyone we know who grew up in the northeast remembers the Mount Airy Lodge commercials. Aided Brand Recall. Check. You know what, whenever someone mentions that they grew up in the Poconos, the first think I'll say is "OH! That's where Mount Airy Lodge is!" Unaided Brand Recall. Check.
A couple of years ago, I read in the Times that Mount Airy Lodge had fallen into dilapidation and disrepair and was making plans to close down permanently. I told my friend (also a northeasterner) and immediately, disappointment shadowed her face. "Oh nooo... that's the saddest thing I've heard in a long time," she said. Brand Favorability. Check.
A slight pause and then a lightbulb went off... "We HAVE TO GO before it closes!" What? The article says that the place is falling apart and she still wants to go? Won't the heart shaped tubs have cracks all over them? Likely. But's that how great the Mount Airy Lodge advertising campaign really was. Purchase Intent. In advertising, it all comes down to purchase intent. Check.
Saturday, April 24, 2004
Wednesday, April 21, 2004
Welcome to the NYC, BITCH!
There's a wierd energy to NY. It might be kenetic. People just bouncing off of other people and generating all this heat, this heat stink; just plain rawness.
I knew I was back immediately. Even at 2am in LaGuardia, people are talking Yanks/Red Sox. People are acting like its the middle of the day. It was wierd, till I remembered I was in NY. It's always the middle of the day in NY.
I showed up on the first real spring weekend in NYC. NYC came out and said hello in the sluttiest dress she coudl find. The icy chill that brought 20+ plus days of snow this past winter was long gone, and the icky stink of mid summer was still months away. This is NY at its best. People are sitting outside drinking. Women walking around in the latest fashion, white skirts with diagonal stripes which though mini length, frilled outward. These things rock btw, very hot. I highly recommend to any chick with legs worth mentioning...
I don't really have an ending....all i know is that at 4am I was standing on Boulevard East, on the Jersey Side of NY, staring back at the NYC skyline. It felt right all around...
Monday, April 19, 2004
Thursday, April 15, 2004
Evil
FIASCO
I travel a lot for work, but my driver's license has been expired since my most recent birthday. This means I can't rent cars (bad) and I always get frisked at airport security (somewhat good) for not having "valid" government issued photo ID. I tried to get a renewed license. Here's the sequence of events:
1. Show up at the Express DMV (I'm a busy man!) for license renewal. Got rejected because my current license is from California and they only do in-state renewals at the Express DMV.
2. Show up at the regular DMV and wait 2 hours, which isn't bad all things considering. Got rejected because my proof of identity is an expired passport. Crap! I have no physical birth certificate because I was born in Vietnam and they don't really keep records at the hospitals there. Also, there was a war of some sort. So I have to renew my passport first.
3. Show up at the post office with passport renewal form filled out + 2 little headshots of myself + the old passport. Go up to the window. Got rejected because I was 17 when my last passport was issued. Apparently, I can only renew an EXPIRED passport in person if I got my last one at age 16 or younger! (Ironically, I could have also renewed in person if my passport weren't already expired.) They give me a form and say I have to do it by mail.
4. Filled out the form and go to the post office to send it certified mail. (I have to include my old passport, so it's important to get it certified.) Show up at the post office and see a GIANT ASS LINE. Realized that it's April 15 and everyone is filing their taxes. CRAP!
WHAT NOW? Crying...
In New York...
A Prologue
Hitting the big City this weekend. Looking forward to the weekend, i got it worked out a couple of different ways.
(1) It could be a good time if I get a chance to hang out with my family and catch up with everyone necessary (Cheo, waiting for your call back! What the hell?)
(2) It will be a great time, if in addition to hanging out with family, all my lame ass friends make out to OpenAir Saturday night to hang out with me and celebrate how great we all look two years later
(3)This trip will be the motherf*cking bomb if i do all that and get a motherf*cking job, yo!
Saturday, April 10, 2004
This picture was done by someone on something called catchdub. Check it out....if you get a chance
On a related topic:
I don't get these Jerry Seinfeld and Superman commercials. Are they supposed to be an old married couple? Also, is the implication that Superman is cheating on Green Lantern with Jerry Seinfeld? wierd
Watch the Jerry/Superman American Express commercials here.
That got me thinking of the time....
Gosh, I guess it was 911, right after the WTC went down. No one knew what was what. I found myself in a IM chatroom with a bunch of heads I knew. They all knew me but that did not really know each other. One of them had a handle that referenced an x-men comic book character. Anyway, it was a heavy day (as one might expect) but Evil pops on, and suddenly starts goofing on the AIM ID! Talk about inappropriate....saying stuff like "What if I get a handle thats GreenLantern123? Would that be cool?"
I swear, you can't take that kid anywhere, not even virtually....
Friday, April 09, 2004
Thursday, April 08, 2004
Sunday, April 04, 2004
Pointless Predictions.
figure since Baseball is starting up I will give a few predictions
(Ordered by Record)
AL EAST - YANKS
WILD CARD - RED SOX
AL WEST - ANGELS
AL CENTRAL - ROYALS
NL CEnTRAL - CUBS
WILD CARD - HOUSTON
NL EAST- PHILLIES
NL WEST - umm....dodgers? This division sucks awful
Additional points
A-Rod will play the last 90 games at SS and Jeter's game is going to come apart at the seems
Contreras won't be with the big club past the all-star break
Barry will hit for .305 this year but walk more than ever as the Giants have no one to protect him in the line up.
For those interested, the mets will win about 84 games.
Also, the mets are going to start 10 different pitchers this year that get 5 starts.
Reyes will play about 140 games and steal about 25 and hit for an ok average
Matsui will bat about .250 and slide down to 8th in the line up
Piazza will play about 30 games at 1st base and then get traded somewhere like Tigers.
Thursday, April 01, 2004
Does anyone know if this is real?
My two asian roommates got really burned over this in last month's details magazine.
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
Evil
BE HONEST!
I just heard that John Kerry tore his right rotator cuff. The articles says that he tore it while campaigning in Iowa. C'mon now. What does that even mean? Take it from someone who has firsthand knowledge: Mr. Shoulders. There are only two ways to tear your right rotator cuff:
1. Throwing too many 98mph fastballs
2. Well... you know
Baseball is your favorite co-dependant ex-girlfriend
It's baseball season again! HooRay! That's great! I love baseball, its means summer and peanuts and openning day and "root root root for the hometeam" and box scores and crazy stats (OPS? Holds? what? who?) and fantasy league.
Baseball is great, I love baseball right up until the first pitch. After that it's all down hill. There is no where to go, but down. You ate your hotdog, you got indigestion. You're mets fan, and somehow you are ten game out 4 games into the season. You're a yankee fan and with every loss you're worried about Jeter getting traded to the Orioles for a bag of peanuts and Brady Andersen. Somehow, 1 game into the season your fantasy team is 15th out of 16th. Its just not fair.
I mean has anyone sat in Yankee Stadium in mid July, Its hot and people are crazy! Who needs it, the sweat and the smell and the $6 dollar icey treats.
But you'll all be back next April....
Tuesday, March 30, 2004
Air America
Air America is starting on March 31st tomorrow. Check this website for air times and where to find it on the dial.
Thursday, March 25, 2004
Evil
BETTER THAN THE SPICE CHANNEL
The WWE is launching a 24 hour wrestling channel? Woooo! Even better, the channel will be like ESPN Classic. I'll be able to sit in my underwear and watch Hulk Hogan and Andrew the Giant vs. King Kong Bundy and Big John Studd. And then some vintage footage of Superfly Jimmy Snuka vs. Rowdy Roddy Piper. Damn, I am pumped up.
Monday, March 22, 2004
Evil
WEEKEND AT BIGHEAD'S
Traveling for work is sucky, but the one cool thing is staying the weekend in California. I was pumped for the weekend because baby, I had big plans. Unfortunately, my Well Profiled Friend cancelled her CA weekend trip sort of last minute. Oh well. I wasn't going to let that stop me from having a kick ass weekend tho. Enter Plan B. Unfortunately, my little PhD friend from Berkeley cancelled also because it's the start of spring break and she decided that she'd rather go camping in Joshua Tree than hang with me. No matter, because I am a dynamic person. Enter Plan C. Unfortunately, My Maniacally Overworked Friend (MMOW) cancelled because she's tied up with a new product launch. Damn. What now?
I had two choices for Plan D: sit in my hotel room and cry -or- hang with Big Head in the East Bay. It came down to a coin flip and the coin said to hang with Big Head, so hang with Big Head it was.
Clownery started on Friday night. First up: Golden State Warrors vs. Houston Rockets. The arena was nearly packed and 80% of the people were there for the visiting team. That's right: Charles Oakley in a Rockets uniform. (Mark Jackson too! Jeff Van Gundy and Patrick Ewing on the coaching staff!) Too bad Oak only played 20 seconds. 0 points, 0 boards, 0 assists, but a whole lot of toughness. You can't put toughness in the box score.
After the game, we went in search of food. Someone decided that Korean would be a good idea. After putting away 13 little appetizer dishes, 1 bi bim bop, 1 spicy chicken bbq, 1 bulgogi, and 1 fish and egg dish, all parties admitted to having an unhealthy relationship with food. We then proceeded to look for bubble tea as a dessert and actually found a place, but the asians in there gave us dirty stares so we blew outta there.
Back at Big Head's Oakland Hills estate, we watch Sportscenter and promptly pass out from either exhaustion, food guilt, or both.
Saturday morning: two guys stagger to the driving range. One guy is wearing a giant coffee stain on his shirt. The other guy is wearing a tshirt with cutoff sleeves and showing some big guns. The dude in the pro shop gives us a squinty stare. This is what happens when two ill-dressed dudes show up at a posh golf club. Whatever. I go to the ball machine and proceed to dispense 100 balls directly onto the ground. (Damn! Forgot the bucket!) Balls go bouncing and scattering everywhere. A guy with a stained shirt and another guy with a cutoff T are running around chasing golf balls. Everyone at the range turns and shoots glares of disgust. No one asks us to leave, which is a win in itself.
Back at the Estate, we watch School of Rock on DVD and I have an internal monologue about making a porn parody called School of Cock. It would involve young girls in private school uniforms. Now that's a winner!
Unfortunately, I had to leave Sunday afternoon and miss some grilling action at the Estate. Big Head apparently has a gay hanger-on who chills at the estate in exchange for certain services, like cooking and preparing a very involved marinade for grilled ribs.
I'm just going to trail off now and pretend that I actually wrote an ending....
Tuesday, March 16, 2004
I think Sleeve was going to proposition Beniot Benjamin in the same way!
Sopranos Recap
David Chase is challenging us. He's challenging us to continue watching The Sopranos and he redefines the notion of television pacing. Last night we were given hour two of his attempt to set up the entire season. A new character, Tony B was introduced and then played for comedy. There was about 20 minutes of dialogue. It was really frustrating.
Monday, March 15, 2004
Wednesday, March 10, 2004
Outdated Book Review
The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay by Michael Chabon
The author of Wonder Boys apparently took the world by storm six years ago with this prototypical great American novel. At the time I was too far into the grips of self loathing to notice or do anything about it. I remember reading a lot of Camus and lying down a lot. (SHOUT OUT TO EVIL)
Sam Klayman (later Clay) is laying in bed one night minding his own business, when his mother walks into the room shoves him aside in his own bed and introduces him to his cousin Joseph Kavalier, a trained escape artist who managed to escape the Nazis and get to New York. The two cousins quickly strike up a friendship and convince Sam's boss (a woopie cushion maker) to get into the comic book business. From this lush backdrop we get it all, a view into the jewish experience during the 1940s, the second world war, Gollems, the Kevaufner Hearings during the 1950s, repressed homosexuality and of course comic books (yah!). Sam and Joe leverage their marginal fame into meeting people from Orson Wells to Salvador Dali. Joe even manages to fall in love with a member of the Saks family before he leaves it all to enlist and fight in World War 2.
I managed to read the whole book on the flight to and from Atlanta in about 2 days. Check it out..
Monday, March 08, 2004
Sunday, March 07, 2004
Evil
HOT IN THE CROTCH
Ever have a habenero pepper? Lemme tell you, these babies are HOT. How hot, you ask? Well, I was slicing some of these up and apparently, I also mistakenly touched my scrotum while having pepper residue on my fingers. DUDE, my crotch is on fire right now. This stuff doesn't even wash off. What should I do???
Evil
HELP WANTED
Hey XTIAN, my nephew noticed the help wanted sign that you posted for becoming a writer on this blog. Dude, that kid meets all the requirements, man. And he's only 14 months old! He's got a lifetime of emotional closed-offness, struggles with food, and emotional scarring ahead of him. You wanna get in on the ground floor here. This kid is gonna be a star. Attached is evidence that he meets the requirements:
"Emotionall closed off": This is a pic of me and him hanging out. We literally keep each other at arm's lenght. Also notice the giant box of Veniero's in the foreground. I sat there and ate no less than 1 dozen mini canolis. (Hey, they were mini!) I think some of that rubbed off on the kid. See next pic...
"Unhealthy relationship with food": No futher commentary needed.
"Emotional scarring due to underloving parents": This is a pic of new nephew and his dad. Apprently, in that household, a crying baby is not really a crying baby. Instead, a crying baby is an excellent shield against the paparazzi.
So apparently the New Sopranos' poster is supposed to be an homage to The Raft of the Medusa a painting by Theodore Ge'ricault. The painting depicts the story of the Medusa a ship that ran into problems on the way to the Port of St. Louis in Senegal, apparently due to a slightly overbearing captain, continued to the point where certain crew members were throw overbored or chopped to bits, and ended with members of the crew on a raft, resorting to Cannibalism.
Crazy internet rumor? maybe...but you have to admit there is something to be said for the parrallels in the story.
Friday, March 05, 2004
Evil
SCUMBAG MOVE
EVIL: dude, go apply for the apprentice 2
Manolo: lets roll
EVIL: i am not kidding
EVIL: you are a shoo in
EVIL: you'll win that thing
EVIL: plus you are ethnic
EVIL: they need you
Manolo: why? because of my rugged good looks
EVIL: that show it too whitebread
Manolo: lol
Manolo: i haven't seen the last two...have them on tape
Manolo: don't spoil anything
EVIL: how many times during a season do i have to listen to "i'm just a good ol country boy from boise idaho"
EVIL: omarosa gets fired
EVIL: HAHA
Manolo: fuck u
EVIL: have a good weekend :-)
Evil
OLD SCHOOL
Michael Powell has been in the news a lot lately. He's the FCC chairman and there's this whole uproar about Janet Jackson's boobie and Howard Stern.
For yucks, go check out this dude's page on the FCC website.
DUDE, that is sooo old school. The only thing that page is missing is making reference to "my little corner of the Internet." Oh, and maybe links to some of his favorite sites, like espnnet.sportszone.com and the SGI homepage, featuring the Silicon Surfer character.
Wednesday, March 03, 2004
Evil
UNWANTED
Poor Marcellus Wiley (CC'98). Just three years ago, he signed the richest contract of all time for a defensive player. Now he's kicked to the curb. No wonder he's looking beat. Rough patch.
Evil
OVERHEARD...
Someone on the other side of my cube wall should try to be more aware of what she says out loud. Overheard just now:
"The cockroach crawled right up my crotch!"
LADY, this is a professional work environment. And yikes, what kinds of disrepair has your crotch fallen into that you now have pest problems down there???
I went to vote today in the primary, more important than deciding who was more charismatic (Kerry vs. Edwards) I felt compelled to weigh in on the California (Kah-LEE-Four-NYA) budget crisis. The governor ( who i think is being incredibly aggressive trying to get things done, for good or bad, its hard to say) has been heavily supporting Prop 57-58 which are inexplicably tied together, the gist being, a bond to bail Kah-LEE-Four-NYA out of its budget crisis in the short term and basicaly refinance it all ( I am oversimplifying yes, so feel free to yell at me, but its late and whatever). I voted yes on these props but almost wanted a little dialogue box where I could suggest some alternatives or complain about my options.
Here's my deal:
I get the point that mortgaging future is not the way to go and how in the long run that does not help anyone. But gosh, why would I vote against this refinancing. If I do vote against it, its not like some politician is going to grow a backbone, make a tough choice and raise taxes. NO, they would never do that, there are re-election campaigns to run. This stuff is going to come out of necessary services which I generally think we don't have enough of.
I run around Lake Merritt sometimes and honestly, its the prettiest part of Oakland. Really nice, about 3 miles in perimeter. Unfortunately, one cannot run around there without being accosted by the some f*cked up homeless guy. My heart breaks for them, because they are clearly slow or demented or sometimes it seems both. I asked someone how all these guys congregate around the lake and what I was told was that some time ago, a mental hospital just kind of closed and let all these people go. Damn! I have no idea how true it is, regardless there is a problem. These people aren't being served, clearly no one is rounding them up and taking them somewhere to get help so clearly there is a service here that should be rendered.
Let's not even touch, schools. That's a whole other issue. Anyway, I don't know what the right answer is, but I felt like I was backed into voting for this thing.
Tuesday, March 02, 2004
Evil
OUTDATED MOVIE REVIEW
Seems that The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King has been getting a lot of buzz lately. Well, I saw it, and if you haven't seen it yet... dont bother unless you have some sort of homo midget fetish. This movie should really be called The Gaylord of the Rings or something. Remember in the mid 1980's when kids used to run around and call each other "gaylord"? That was hilarious stuff. Why did that term fall out of favor? For that matter, why did terms like "doofus" and "dickweed" disappear from the popular venacular? Booooo...
Anyway, back to the movie... in this film, we follow our heros Frodo and Sam as they go on some sort of "journey" together. Sam is in love with Frodo, but Frodo is a heartless little bitch and all he cares about is the bling bling. To complicate matters, there is this weird love triangle involving a computer generated animation. I just don't get why Sam and Frodo bother so much with a CG character. Don't they know that he goes away once they power down the computers?
I sort of feel bad for Sam because he's the "loyal pal" who's not-so-secretly in love with his friend. At eight different times during this movie, I thought that Sam and Frodo were going to either tongue kiss or have a full-on bitch fight.
Parents be warned: there are sexually suggestive scenes in this movie and not really suitable for kids. In the cave scene, Frodo gets his ass kicked by a big spider and is left for dead. Sam, trusty as ever, comes along to save Frodo by peeling away the spider webs from his buddy and then undresses him altogether. Gay midget sex is one thing (some of my best friends are gay midgets!), but gay midget necrophelia is crossing the line!
My favorite scene is probably when Frodo comes back after dropping the ring in the volcano and he wakes up in a bed back in his home village. This scene makes deft use of porn lighting, you know, the soft white lighting effect. Frodo looks toward the door and Sam comes skipping in and jumps on the bed and the two hobbits hug and frollick. (It reminds me a little of X-TIAN and SCP from back in the old days, but that's neither here nor there.)
To be honest, I don't remember 90% of the movie because it was so ass long. At one point, I lost circulation in my butt cheeks and didn't know what to do with myself.
Despite the overall gayness of this movie, I am sort of pumped up about the 4th installment of the LOTR trilogy. I hear that the next movie actually stars our own Mr. Shoulders. I remember in college when XTIAN, Mr. Shoulder, KenTak3, and I used to get together for study groups. Inevitably, the first thing to happen is that Mr. Shoulders would take off his shoes. DUDE, that guy has big hairy toes. Have you ever tried to do graph isomorphism while staring at some kid's big hairy toes?
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