The Hose

Evil

OFFICE CLOWNERY

Although I supposedly work with a bunch of smart people, sometimes I think everyone is just a clown inside. (I know I am.) Here are some crazy ass observations from around the office.

One. There's a sign posted above the main fax machine. It reads, "Please don't throw out any signed contracts that come in on this fax!" DUDE, I couldn't imagine that this sign was put up for no reason. Can you imagine that at some point, some clown was going around trashing signed contracts? Isn't that the only important thing that comes in via fax? Who knows.

Two. Our VP of Sales sent an email to the entire office yesterday. It was a plea for everyone to be more considerate... stuff like, please don't throw trash on the ground, and please don't go around knocking over garbage cans. The email was bizarre. It came from the guy whose team has a $1 Billion quota for the year (or something like that. Or maybe the quota is a trillion. It's a big number, let's just say that). And he's concerning himself with how trashy (literally!) the office looks. At one point, I thought the email was going to say, "And one last thing, if you take a shit in the bathroom, please don't smear your feces all over the walls." But he didn't actually write that. I was relieved. (No one has caught me yet!)

Three. We have the cutest summer intern ever! Of all time!!! She's from some small university that I never heard of. Given that this company is known for hiring brainiacs, I am going to assume this girl slid by on her looks. And boy am I glad she did! My morale has been up 100% since she's been here. Just by virtue of ogling her for 45 minutes (cumulative) each day.

Yesterday was Friday and the intern clearly ran out of business clothes. She shows up to work wearing something that probably belonged to her mom. Ill-fitting. Old-fashioned looking. Crazy outfit that made her look like a 1950's secretary. But whatever, she is way cute. Not hot. Cute. Like, cute face, nice body, if slightly chubby. This girl fits into one of two profiles, but definitely nothing in between...

Profile A: Cute. Has never been poked.

Profile B: Has been poked continuously since age 14. Abandoned vaginal at around age 17. Now exclusively into anal.

I'm not sure which it is.