The Hose

Evil

OUTDATED MOVIE REVIEW

Seems that The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King has been getting a lot of buzz lately. Well, I saw it, and if you haven't seen it yet... dont bother unless you have some sort of homo midget fetish. This movie should really be called The Gaylord of the Rings or something. Remember in the mid 1980's when kids used to run around and call each other "gaylord"? That was hilarious stuff. Why did that term fall out of favor? For that matter, why did terms like "doofus" and "dickweed" disappear from the popular venacular? Booooo...

Anyway, back to the movie... in this film, we follow our heros Frodo and Sam as they go on some sort of "journey" together. Sam is in love with Frodo, but Frodo is a heartless little bitch and all he cares about is the bling bling. To complicate matters, there is this weird love triangle involving a computer generated animation. I just don't get why Sam and Frodo bother so much with a CG character. Don't they know that he goes away once they power down the computers?

I sort of feel bad for Sam because he's the "loyal pal" who's not-so-secretly in love with his friend. At eight different times during this movie, I thought that Sam and Frodo were going to either tongue kiss or have a full-on bitch fight.

Parents be warned: there are sexually suggestive scenes in this movie and not really suitable for kids. In the cave scene, Frodo gets his ass kicked by a big spider and is left for dead. Sam, trusty as ever, comes along to save Frodo by peeling away the spider webs from his buddy and then undresses him altogether. Gay midget sex is one thing (some of my best friends are gay midgets!), but gay midget necrophelia is crossing the line!

My favorite scene is probably when Frodo comes back after dropping the ring in the volcano and he wakes up in a bed back in his home village. This scene makes deft use of porn lighting, you know, the soft white lighting effect. Frodo looks toward the door and Sam comes skipping in and jumps on the bed and the two hobbits hug and frollick. (It reminds me a little of X-TIAN and SCP from back in the old days, but that's neither here nor there.)

To be honest, I don't remember 90% of the movie because it was so ass long. At one point, I lost circulation in my butt cheeks and didn't know what to do with myself.

Despite the overall gayness of this movie, I am sort of pumped up about the 4th installment of the LOTR trilogy. I hear that the next movie actually stars our own Mr. Shoulders. I remember in college when XTIAN, Mr. Shoulder, KenTak3, and I used to get together for study groups. Inevitably, the first thing to happen is that Mr. Shoulders would take off his shoes. DUDE, that guy has big hairy toes. Have you ever tried to do graph isomorphism while staring at some kid's big hairy toes?