Wishing Myself A Happy New Year

Evil


I made a huge batch of jello shots yesterday and have been eating them ever since. Whereas drinking at 11am is usually not socially acceptable, eating jello shots seems OK. because, after all, it's eating, not drinking. Happy New Year!

Poll Results

Evil

Catching up on some Hose maintenance, now that I'm back from India. This is a poll results from a while back that deserves some commentary because the results are quite interesting.

So according to you Hosers, a woman is most desirable when she's between the ages of 30 to 34. Hmmm, interesting. I'll bet that 100% of The Hose's female readers are in this age range! So you essentially voted for yourselves. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But look at the 35-39 category... zero votes! Does that mean that a woman's desirability falls off the face of the earth once she hits 35? Very scary.

BTW- Who voted for the 19 or under category? Perv!!!

Here's a poll that XTIAN posted. I'll leave it to him to comment on the results if he would like.

Merry Christmas!

Evil

Merry Christmas, Hosers! Hope you're all spending time with family, friends, and loved ones. (Sorry, Manolo.)

Two moments with two women that left me totally confused/exhilarated this week:

One - I had a hard time making out what I had in my hand. There were several reasons for this. First, it was cardboard but there was something heavier in the middle. Further I was distracted by the kanji characters that adorned it. I don’t know mandarin, so the effort I put into understanding the characters was completely in vain. I looked up, apparently pensively, because she met my gaze with a slightly embarrassed look. She took it back and took it out of the packaging.

“Oh gosh, it cost less than a dollar. It’s a bookmark, see, with a magnet. It just looks nice. Also, it says something to the effect of “a free spirit has the most satisfied life”. I saw it on the street in Taiwan and it made me think a bit about you. So I bought it”

I took it back, and mumbled something about not having anything for her. Of course, why would I? We had one drink before she went to Taiwan for a month. In fact, I had two drinks, hers and mine as she calmly looked on, smiling and laughing at every dippy thing I said. We calmly repeated the dance there and now, with the new weight of expectations weighing us down. She treated. The waitress, a Latina who is always my waitress at this bar, and has seen me, quite unintentionally, parade a bevy of Asian women in here, smirked as she picked up the bill. I ignored her judgments and contemplated the meaning of my gift.

Two – She stood at my desk and arched her eyebrow.

“You know, you dress like a gay guy”

“What?”

That’s a good way to get my attention. I had thought our conversation was over. She had come and asked for some pointed advice. I dolled it out and she looked like was going to leave.

“Well, saying metro-sexual is so over done”

“I agree. But its better than implying I’m gay, don’t you think?”

“You’re not gay. You’re totally a guy”

“Thank you for noticing”

“You’re uber-sexual…which means like you’re a guy’s guy who knows how to dress and what not”

She drifted off.

A moment later, she IMed me

“I was messing with your a head…but I totally made you feel good didn’t I”

I invited her to watch a movie with me that later that evening.

Outdated and Shallow Book Reviews

Evil

Long Walk To Freedom, by Nelson Mandela

As you may know, Nelson Mandela, freedom fighter, father of the democratic South Africa, and winner of the Nobel Peace Prize, spent 27 years in jail. In picking up this book, I thought it would be an easy read. Of the 625 total pages, I figured a good 600+ would go something like this: “Woke up, ate breakfast of gruel, pounded rocks into gravel for 6 hours, ate lunch of stale bread, walked around the courtyard for exercise, ate dinner of mealies, and then lights out.” Multiply that by 27 years and voila – instant memoirs.

But in fact, Long Walk To Freedom didn’t go like that at all. It starts with a detailed and fascinating account of Nelson Mandela’s childhood and tribal history. He was of royal decent in his tribe, but not in line to be king, as some accounts have suggested. Rather, he was pre-ordained to be the key advisor to the future king. Although as a child, he wanted nothing more than to one day become a champion stick fighter, which I found to be an endearing point.

This book is as much about the politics and dynamics of the South African democracy struggle as it is about Mandela’s life, though the two are of course intertwined. We meet the individuals and groups who aided in the struggle – not only Africans, but also Whites, Indians, and Coloureds. Mandela makes a distinction between “Africans” and “Coloureds” throughout the book, although I couldn’t figured out the difference. And it wasn’t just Manela’s categorization: the South African laws at the time discriminated as well. Africans had the least rights, Indians and Coloureds make up the next tier, while Whites were at the top. (If anyone knows what “Coloureds refers to, please post in the comments!)

Anyway, I read this book not because I care about any of this stuff. I just wanted to pose as an intelligent adult on my India trip.

The Blind Side, by Michael Lewis

This book is a rip-off! Don’t read it if you’re expecting an in-depth analysis of the role of the Left Tackle in professional football and its subsequent impact on the economics of the game. Because that’s not what you’ll get. This book is nothing more than a fluffy features piece on a specific person, Michael Oher, and his rise to prominence as a Left Tackle. Big deal! Yawn.

Memoirs Of A Geisha, by Arthur Golden

I didn’t buy this book. I got it from a nice Canadian girl who was traveling through Varanasi as I was. She had just finished it and I mentioned that I, having finished all the books I brought with me (a lie), needed more reading. So she gave it to me. I really wanted something else from this 20 year old Canadian art student, but all she gave me was the book. But oh well… it turned out to be a good book!

If you like the writing style of Evil Twin #1, I imagine you’ll like this book. We meet the protagonist, Sayuri, as a young and innocent girl from a small fishing village. We hear Sayuri’s story through her first person narration, which is touching, detailed, at times heart-wrenching, and always filled with folksy metaphor and simile. It wasn’t until I was one-third through the book that the character of Sayuri solidified in my mind – I kept thinking it was Evil Twin #1. Their writing style and tone are that similar (even though Sayuri is young and innocent and Evil Twin #1 is not).

Among the many though-provoking aspects of this book, I’ll call out one quote for you Hosers to discuss. This was spoken by Sayuri’s mentor and geisha “older sister”:

“Young girls hope all sorts of foolish things, Sayuri. Hopes are like hair ornaments. Girls want to wear too many of them. When they become old women, they look silly wearing even one.”

Current in-progress reading: The Good Earth, by Pearl S. Buck and The Art Of Seduction, by Robert Greene. Just ordered 7 books from Amazon to add to my reading list.

My hetero life mate, my brother?

My good friends invited me up to Freshchester this past Saturday to spread a little holiday cheer. They are a great couple and I love them dearly. The host and I worked together, his wife is awesome and his kid brother always brings the jokes. Also invited was Le Troisieme, who knew the host from their days in university.

I arrived an hour later than Le Troisieme because I'm brown and I can get away with that sort of thing. Besides its a party...do I really need to be timely?

Our host, upon seeing me approach, commented to Le Troiseme "Hey, here comes your hetero life mate". This was a funny joke that started when our host heard we were moving into together a few years ago. When I approached Le Troisieme to say hello he retold the joke and I knew he was finding it less funny all the time. Further, Le Troisieme was exasperated.

Only the night before, I had assured him that we would be the only single fellows there. Still he felt compelled to make this observation immediately and seek consolation. The two ideas juxtaposed in my head brought a smile to my face. Dude, are you sure you're not my hetero life mate?

I was OK with the lack of tail though, I was OK my exasperated friend and OK with the fact that everyone at this party seemed to know my name though I could recall no one else's...not even the people I had been on week long holidays with. I was good with all that...there is wine, there is food, there are jokes...who cares. Besides, I had my hetero life mate at my side to help me with names which he knew no problem. Aren't white people useful? I'm glad I have them around...

At the appropriate hour, right before the neighbors called the police and right before a sick blizzard started. I made my way to the car. I offered those heading back to the city a ride. In piled Le Troisieme, his ex and the drunk cousin of our host. Troisieme got in the front to both help me find the freeway and mock my feminine driving.

From the backseat we got a grip of words a minute from drunk cousin that she tried to pass off as sentences. I wasn't buying it. She bang from topic to topic only to slow down long enough to suggest one of three locations she wanted to be left off at. This uncertainty annoyed me and I agreed to drop her off in the west chelsea club district for two reasons:
(1) It was convienent for me
(2) It was unsafe for her

She interrupted a diatribe to suggest I was being cool about "reparations" which made no sense. Had I enslaved her earlier in the evening without noticing? That sounds like a joke I might made and escalated past the point of reason but I would have remembered that. Besides, when would I have emancipated her? I'm not into random emancipation. I probed a second longer and realized she was trying to thank me for being accommodating. Le Troisieme and I laughed hysterically to the point where she was annoyed. The only single woman at this party, in our car, and we were ripping into her...and loving every minute of it.

Maybe the hetero life mate thing is a bit much...

Pictures of Me

I get a lot of holiday cards from friends and family. Often, they have pictures of the family all dressed in red and wishing me a happy holiday season. I cannot read, so I really appreciate the photos.

My cousin DG's photo holiday card always unnerves me. When she got married, in addition to the rest of her husband's baggage, she acquired the ugliest cats in the world. They seem to have had their eyes replaced with Spanish olives...maybe its a fashion in Miami. Maybe the cats are just hell spawn....

I'm sure they're pure bred and expensive, but a pure bred hell spawn is still a hell spawn. I don't mind admitting that last year I took 5 minutes, stared at my cousin and her husband - absorbing their bliss - and quickly discard their photo, lest I leave it on my desk and accidentally catch a glimpse of their pet Spanish olive-eyed demons.

This year, as I opened their holiday card, the hell spawn barely registered. I was distracted by something else entirely. DG had included two pictures of me, by myself, at her wedding. One was of me reading at a church lectern. The other was of me in profile, smiling and seemingly having a good time. I was wearing a smart suit and an open collared shirt. I look fairly thin and my hair is well kept. This bothered me worse than the sight of the devil cats. I immediately called the bump and told him about the card from DG and the pictures of me.

BUMP: Wait, she sent you two pictures of you? By yourself?
ME: Yeah
BUMP: By yourself?
ME: (Sigh)Right
BUMP: What are you going to do with that?
ME: I don't know. I certainly won't put them up. I mean who puts up a photo of just themselves...I'm certainly not that into looking at myself
BUMP: More like you can't stand the sight of your self
ME: POE-TAE-TOE, POE-TAH-TOH
BUMP: Whatever...you're gay

I shuddered a moment and hung up the phone. I went back to the olive-eyed demons and wondered if maybe they weren't so bad to look at after all.

Mumbai

Evil


Two weeks into my India trip, I was quite down. India was proving too much for me – too much pollution, too much chaos, too much harassment from rickshaw drivers and store owners. It seemed that every ounce of energy I had went into dodging cows. And if it wasn’t cows, then I was hopping over cow crap. And then I was trying to run away from the street merchants who only ask one question (“What country are you from?”) and then all make the same request (“Please come take a look!”). On top of that, I came down with a bad fever and the inevitable stomach problems at two week’s end.

Things got better over the following two weeks. I started to adjust. One time I wasn’t paying as much attention as I should have on the street and nearly walked into a cow’s asshole. I side-stepped it at the last moment and silently congratulated myself on my developing street savviness. One time I saw a cow dropping on the street that was the size and shape of a large dog. Think Marmaduke. Upon seeing this, I didn’t turn away in disgust. I just said to myself, “Another day in India!”

Before arriving in Mumbai, I figured I would be in for more of the same – except multiplied by several-fold. Mumbai, with a population of 16.4 million, is India’s largest city. But instead of getting more cows, more pollution, more chaos, and more harassment, I came upon a very interesting and, dare I say, charming city. The city’s past British influence is everywhere – most noticeable in the Victorian architecture and public squares (well, really circles). Almost everyone in Mumbai goes about their daily lives and couldn’t care less about a tourist like me. The non-attention is a very welcome change of pace. Today, I was trying to buy a bottled water at one of the street stalls and the guy totally ignored me!

It’s been a nice couple of days thus far in Mumbai. Just taking it easy. Going on a few strolls each day to discover more of the city. The picture above is was taken at Oval Maidan, where some (many!) kids were playing cricket. In the background is the 80 meter high Rajabai Clock Tower. On the left and right of the clock tower (not in the picture) are the High Court and the University of Mumbai. Very scenic!

I even watched a Bollywood film today! The NYT gave Aaja Nachle lukewarm reviews and I didn’t understand any of the Hindi dialogue, but it was still great fun to watch.

Evil Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

Without Evil around, I have lost all creativity. I feel null and void. There is nothing interesting and Hose-worthy. Tonight, I am working a long, long night. Here is a puzzle I am doing... Can you do it to?

Evil, come back!

The Einstein Puzzle
Supposedly, Albert Einstein wrote this riddle, and said 98% of the world could not solve it.

There are 5 houses in 5 different colors. In each house lives a man with a different nationality. The 5 owners drink a certain type of beverage, smoke a certain brand of cigar, and keep a certain pet. No owners have the same pet, smoke the same brand of cigar or drink the same beverage.
The question is: "Who owns the fish?"

Hints:
The Brit lives in the red house.
The Swede keeps dogs as pets.
The Dane drinks tea.
The green house is on the left of the white house.
The green house's owner drinks coffee.
The person who smokes Pall Mall rears birds.
The owner of the yellow house smokes Dunhill.
The man living in the center house drinks milk.
The Norwegian lives in the first house.
The man who smokes Blends lives next to the one who keeps cats.
The man who keeps the horse lives next to the man who smokes Dunhill.
The owner who smokes Bluemasters drinks beer.
The German smokes Prince.
The Norwegian lives next to the blue house.
The man who smokes Blends has a neighbor who drinks water.

Varanasi

Evil

today, i'm in varanasi, which my indian friend described as "such a spiritual place. Make sure to wake up before dawn and check out the rituals that go on in the morning." and the lonely planet says, "... is one of the holiest places in India, where Hindu pilgrims come to wash away a lifetime of sins in the Ganges or cremate loved ones... The city is an everlasting symbol of hope to past, present, and future generations." i did wake up before dawn as my friend suggested to catch the morning prayers, baths, and other rituals that happen on the west bank of the ganges. in the short time that i was there, i saw two cremations, which always feels sad to witness.

then afterwards, while walking through the old town, i wandered across a little baby lying on a table and the only reason it caught my attention was that an elderly man was bent over it taking a photo and the flash went off in the corner of my eye. i looked over at the baby and realized that it was deceased, with quite an anguished look on its face and large tumor-like thing protruding from its side. i looked behind me and there were two western tourists who saw the baby too and their eyes instantly welled up with tears. (there were no tears in my eyes because i was born without emotion.) i think it's one thing to be told that you're going to be seeing a dead baby around the corner, but it's another to catch sight of one completely by surprise.

the city and the ganges is apparently also holy to buddhists, since buddha used to bath in the ganges. (the place where buddha gave his first sermon after becoming enlightened is only 6 miles from here, which i visited earlier today.) anyway, so there are a lot of japanese buddhists who visit. all the street vendors think i'm japanese, which tends to irk me. they bark out things like nihongo ga hanasemasuka (do you speak japanese?), nihonjin des ka (are you from japan?), and other phrases that i can't pick up (but presumably, they are saying things like "please come to my shop!"). the japanese buddhists are funny because half of them wear surgical masks and about 95% of them are carrying either a digital camera or video camera or both. and there are these guys at the ganges who catch little fish and put them into little jars. they show the capture fish to the japanese buddhists and the buddhists pay the guys a small sum to release the fish. i'm seeing this and i'm like, dude, they're just going to re-capture the fish and do it all over again! i guess maybe i am short on compassion. :)

Lameness

Evil

What the heck is going on? Is everyone dead?

XTIAN is proving quite well that he cant carry The Hose on his own. He's like Allan Houston - someone who can't create his own shot. Always needs a teammate to set a pick for him.

I'm in Varanasi today. Have stuff to write about but on a really sucky keyboard with super sticky keys. Evil Twin #2 hasn't sent me her new years party invite yet. What's up with that?!

Most Underrated Lead Singer Of All Time

Evil

I was listening to my iPod on "shuffle" mode and "I Remember You" by Skid Row came on. Man, that song is great. No, more specifically, Sebastian Bach is great! Listening to that song made me realize that Sebastian is undoubtedly the most underrated lead singer of all time, covering any band, any genre, any era. His vocal performance on that song is amazing. If you haven't heard it in a long time (like me), go back and have a listen with fresh ears.

It's just too bad that the other members of Skid Row were such dead weights because if Sebastian has a better supporting cast, he's still be around and rockin'. If I could manage to work out the final kinks in my time machine, the first thing I'd do is go back to 1985 and somehow get Sebastian connected with Slash, Izzy, Duff, and Steven Adler of Guns N' Roses. How awesome a rock band would GnR be with Sebastian Bach as the frontman?

But don't take my word for it that Sebastian Bach is the Most Underrated Lead Singer Of All Time... here's the breakdown (as they might do on ESPN):

Vocal Ability: Mentioned above. SB has great range, great timbre in his voice. Can flat out sing. (Closest rival in this category: Chris Cornell of Soundgarden; Totally trounces in this category: Anthony Kiedis of Red Hot Chili Peppers.)

Charisma: Johnny Rotten, Kurt Cobain, and a whole host of others proved that you don't need singing ability to be a great frontman. Charisma is just as important if not more so. Did anyone see VH1's Supergroup? SB rocked on that show. He's so entertaining. And they even have him do some talking head segments on I Love The 80's. Now that's charisma. (Closest rival in this category: Freddy Mercury of Queen; Totally trounces in this category: Vince Neil of Motley Crue.)

Looks: Let's face it, looks matter (sorry, Manolo). SB is so good-looking, he could pass as a chick. (Closest rival in this category: Jon Bon Jovi of Bon Jovi; Totally trounces in this category: Scott Weiland of Stone Temple Pilots.)

Begging

Evil

OMG, the begging children here are relentless. Whether to give money, or anything at all, to begging children is always a moral dilemma. I think most Western travelers now fall into the school of thought that giving anything only perpetuates a culture of begging that's damaging in the long term.

I was in Cambodia earlier this year and that's another country where begging children are everywhere. But I've observed some differences in the begging styles and techniques among children in the two countries.

In India, it's straightforward: kids run up to you, hold out their hand, and ask for money. Sometimes they will make a gesture, lifting their fingers to their mouths to indicate that they're hungry. These kids are persistent. They'll following you for a full kilometer before giving up. Sometimes the kids will run up to you and say, "Shampoo! Shampoo!" Apparently, some tourists have been giving them the little shampoo bottles they get from the hotels.

In Cambodia, the kids have developed fairly advanced techniques. I don't know if it's because they've been begging longer or what. But even this cold-hearted New Yorker couldn't help but be taken on a few occasions. The key with Cambodian kids is that they don't outright beg for money. They usually throw in a little twist, a little juvenile charm. For example, a kid might come up to you and ask (in English): "Hello, where are you from." And you'd answer: "New York." Then the kid will say, "Ah, New York. Population of New York state is 19 million. Capital is Albany." Then they give you this giant, happy grin. This little technique is especially impressive because they can do it with international cities as well. I've heard kids recite the population of cities in Australia, Germany, UK, Canada, and others.

The fact that they know these things probably means that they go to school, or they're sitting at home memorizing tables of capitals and populations. Most kids in Cambodia have surprisingly good English. Sometimes I would just sit and talk to them to help them practice their English, even though I didn't want to give them any money.

There was one occasion where I was sitting down to have lunch by myself. In the middle of lunch, this Cambodian kids walks up to my table and tries to sell me a book of postcards. My immediate reaction is to be annoyed. But he flashed a big ol smile at me and asked, "What city are you from?" I said, "New York City." To which he replied, "New York City. Population is 8 million minus one." There was a pause where neither of us spoke. Then he continued: "You know why minus one?" I asked why. He said, "Because you are here!" I couldn't help but buy some postcards from that kid even though I didn't want or need any. That's a sign of a good salesman!

Bah

Evil

I'm in a complaining mood today. Part of it is that I'm sick. After two weeks of good health, I finally caught a stomach bug. And a bad fever. And body aches all over. I slept for about 18 hours yesterday. Feeling much better today though.

There's an old Mark Twain quote that goes, "The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco." Well, the coldest winter I ever spent was a morning in Agra. No one told me that India would be ass cold during parts of the day. I woke up at 5am yesterday and made it to the Taj Mahal by 6am to catch the sunrise. Prospects for seeing the sunrise were not good from the start. A thick fog and heavy air met me as I stepped outside my hotel. Once I got to the Taj, the conditions were no better. Actually, they were worse. Even though I was wearing a think sweater that I bought from the Tibetan market, the cold bit into me. It's the kind of cold that chills you deep inside and even after you get yourself indoors, you can't shake the feeling.

I wish I had access to upload my camera pics to this blog. I have various photos of people staring into a cloud-like expanse, which is supposed to be the Taj. I had to walk up to within 30 feet to see the Taj and even then, it was very faint.

I'm in India for another month almost. I want to go home! This blows.

The Trip From Bundi To Jaipur

Evil

The two-lane road from Bundi to Jaipur is unremarkable. It's paved, but not well-maintained so it makes for a bumpy ride. I got an early start yesterday for the 180 km bus ride. It's not a particularly long distance but I was told it would take about 5 hours. The lanes of this road are narrow, especially considering that it's mostly used by buses and transport trucks. The buses generally go faster than the trucks. There's a lot of passing, which of course means cutting over the the lane of oncoming traffic. I've seen many close class so far in India, but no actual accidents. Until yesterday, on the trip from Bundi to Jaipur.

First was an overturned public bus on the side of the road. It had already been evacuated, but I imagine the accident couldnt be more than 24 hours old. Next was the wreckage of a head-on collision between a truck and a public bus. The damage was pretty bad. The front ends of both vehicles were smashed. Next was a dead camel, apparently hit by a car. And after that, two more truck wrecks on the side of the road.

I was starting to feel uneasy and wondering if my bus might be next. (If I die, XTIAN can have my baseball card collection, but he has to promise to go to my apartment and delete the porn from my laptop before my parents get there.)

When I was about 60km outside of Jaipur, I came across a man, fully prostrate, on the ground. The bus stopped. I watched the man as he got up to his feet. He took a single step forward. He was a lanky man of average height. He wore a small backpack, with a red pennant flag sticking up from the top. His clothes were worn, but not tattered. He got on his knees and then prostrated himself again. The bus -- any bus -- could have easily run him over if the bus driver were not alert. I watched him repeat this movement over and over... taking one step and prostrating.

One of the passengers got off the bus to get his story. Turns out that the man is from a small village in central India. He's making his way to a temple in the north of India, prostrating with every step. He talked about how his mother fell ill some time ago. They were from a family of means, relatively. But despite spending all of their family's money on medical treatments, the mother's health showed no signs of improvement. So the man, in desperation, prayed for his mother's health. He promised that if his mother could somehow return to health, he would make a pilgrimage from his home to a far away temple. The day after his prayer, his mother began to feel better. A month passed and his mother was back to perfect health.

He said that he's on month 3 of his pilgramage. He estimates he has 5 more months to go. He carries a change of clothes in his small backpack. And he survives on the kindness of strangers. He says that restaurants will recognize that he's on a pilgramage and bring food out to him. He says that hotels will sometimes invite him to stay for free. Otherwise, he sleeps on the roadside, covered by a thin blanket, which he also keeps in his backpack. He says that the journey has been long, but he hasn't been fallen by fatigue or ill health.

The rest of the trip was uneventful, which I consider good news.

India Update

Evil

Still in India. Still have a full month left here. I wanna go home! Waaaah!

OK, it's not that bad. India is beautiful actually. And I think I've got some excellent photos. My (ex) co-workers bought me a digital SLR as a going away present (how awesome of them!) so my pictures wouldn't turn out crappy. One of the guys said, "this camera will instantly make you a 2x better photographer." And he's right!

In Pushkar today. I went down to the lake where they do the prayers and this dude taught me how to say a prayer (for a donation, of course). He had a really effective sales strategy. His best line was, "This is for karma. Money is just paper. Money comes and goes." It's true. For a small fee, he taught me a prayer and gave me some flowers to throw into the lake. Then he tied a yellow and red string on my right wrist and also put a red mark on my forehead. At the end he asked me if i felt peaceful and I said Yes.

On a different topic: Is there resolution on the New Years Eve party topic? Is KenTak and Mamacita hosting or what???

check out my mom snorkling!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Need Help!

Evil

I'm in India through Christmas eve, so that means I have to do all my Christmas shopping online. I have no idea what to get for my family. Can you Hosers help me out with some suggestions??? Gifts for:

- my dad
- my mom (or a combined parents gift)
- my sister
- my brother
- my nephew and niece (sister's kids)
- my brother's girlfriend

Thanks!

WTF? Falling Apart Without Me?

Evil

Xtian and Mamacita are not properly minding the ship! Cmon On, People!

In Udaipur today. I learned that India is far behind most of the world in terms of stamp technology. Went to the post office today to buy stamps for post cards. I didn't expect to get the sticker stamps, like we have in the US. But what I discovered was that stamps in India don't even have glue on the back!!! WTF? I had to borrow a glue stick from the hotel front desk.

Trading in My Ethnic Identity for a Soggy Subway sandwhich

As I was describing this to Buck, he started pulling up Facebook.

"what are you doing?"
"I'm trying to figure out what chick you are doing this nonsense for. She's got to be hot"

"I'm not sure I understand..."

"You're stupid...you're brown. You're probably the only brown guy there."

"No, not at all...The guy who was teaching it is like Algerian or something. Although apparently, he's a professional dancer"

Buck was half right. Apparently, its Ball Season, and I'm going to be busting a move in a ball in tuxedo whites (which means tails and gloves...I just learned that!). Ostensibly, our good friend Le Troisième, put me on to this, but only with promise of bangable chicks.

I arrived promptly, at 18:45 in a sharp suit. I felt clean. It makes me feel good. Now Le Troisième had mentioned to me that he was very interested in a certain lady and showed me her on facebook to prove her worth and described her as a representative sample of the sort of women there. Many of the women there were admittedly good looking. The guys, a bit schleppy. Me in a schleppy crowd, more points for me. I'm also not in a majority at all. There's a Colombian looking chick off to the side, but given where we were I had mis-categorized her as Persian, which I would have looked upon as a plus...because I hate myself and my people.

Without much effort I was paired with Le Troisième's dream girl. She was a good height to pair with me anyway. This bodes well. My friend, a man of refined tastes, sold the girl short. She was amazing looking. I was eager to see him do well and perfectly willing to enable this. I lie. I have no interest in such a thing at all.

She asked me who invited me to participate (its a big word of mouth thing). I mentioned Le Troisième by name.

"oh, I met him last week. He's very nice"

We were mid dance but I heard her just fine. I thought quickly about how to stick myself into this mix...

"Did you say [Le Troisième] is funny?"

"No I said NICE"

"Oh, Agreed! He's very nice. But he's not at all funny"

She smiled. It was a nervous but intrigued smile. Or so my warped mind convinced me.

Extra Points: I ran into a guy I had a met a few times before. I was at a party and he had come accompanying a woman I knew. At some point she dragged me into a restroom so we could have a one sided argument, she argued I watched her pee, no money changed hands. He stood outside the door, knocking...like a chump. He acted as though he did not know me till I shouted something he would remember vaguely. I asked after our shared friend and he mumbled something about a "falling out"...he quickly introduced me to some other guy and hurried away. I love doing sh*t like that to people.

Pervs

Evil
Wow, the results are in. You Hosers are overwhelmingly perverted and amoral. Congrats!

So Mamacita, now that the poll has closed... tell us what REALLY happened. And when are you hosting the next screening of this porn video?

Weird vs Weirder

Evil

What's weirder: that ex-Mets outfielder Lenny "Nails" Dykstra has a regular stock-picking column on TheStreet.com... or... that Boston Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling is a judge on the upcoming tech entrepreneurialism contest, You Be The VC. What's next? I'm putting my money on ex-Met free agent bust Mo Vaughn transforming into a successful housing developer in New York City. Crap, that's already happened? OK, then I'm going to put my money on ex Red Sox pitcher Dennis "Oil Can" Boyd inventing a radical new medical procedure that revolutionizes the rotator cuff surgery. This new technique will reduce the typical recovery time for Major League Baseball pitchers from 1 season down to 2 months. And appropriately, the surgery will be called "Oil Can Surgery."

Somebody Burn Boston To The Ground Already

Evil

Stop it! Stop piling on, Boston! Screw you! First the Red Sox win the world series. Then the Patriots look like they're going to go 100 straight games without a loss and beat every opponent by 12 touchdowns. Now the Boston Celtics are 8-0 to start the NBA season. If Harvard beats Yale this weekend to take the Ivy League Championship, I might have to slit my wrists.

Will somebody burn Boston to the ground already? Will a hurricane go devastate the city, please? Can we send locusts? Can we hit them with the one-two punch of civil mismanagement known as Ed Koch and David Dinkins?

What is this you say? Oh, they have Evil Twin #1 terrorizing their citizens? OK, that's pretty bad.

Correction: In my original post, the last paragraph referred to "Evil Twin #2." I really meant Evil Twin #1. That's been corrected now. Sorry to throw off the first two commenters, Dr. Cosby and Mrs. Huxtable.

A Day in Delhi

Evil

Was easing into the India thing yesterday, so didn't do anything too hectic. Here, you can hire a driver to drive you around for about $20/day. Good deal! Got sort of a late start yesterday because I was just putzing around my hotel room. But eventually made it into Delhi to visit the Mahatma Gandhi Museum, the Samadhis of Mahatma Gandhi, Indira Gandhi, and Rajiv Gandhi. I ended the day at the National History Museum.

The Mahatma Gandhi Museum rocks. If you love Gandhi (and who doesn't?), this is the place to be. They have an amazing collection of photographs from every period of Gandhi's life. Even more impressive, they a crapload of Gandhi artifacts, like towels that he's used, various blankets and bedsheets, old wooden sandals, old leather sandals, monocles, the walking stick he used on the March to Dandi, and even the blood-stained clothing from his assassination. Luckily, the Museum got a hold of all these items before eBay was invented. As comprehensive as the museum was, I'm surprised that they didn't mention the controversy about the Father of the Indian Nation not being full Indian, rather, being some British bloke with sketchy-at-best "Indian lineage." Oh well. The Museum is still great.

And the New York Times is totally right. There are monkeys everywhere!

How Smart Are You?

Let's see who's smart and who is not. Apparently this is an IQ test given to job applicants in China:

"Everybody has to cross the river". The following rules apply:
1. Only 2 persons on the raft at a time
2. The father can not stay with any of the daughters without their mother's presence .
3. The mother can not stay with any of the sons without their father's presence
4. The thief (striped shirt) can not stay with any family member if the Policeman is not there
5. Only the Father, the Mother and the Policeman know how to operate the raft
6. To start click on the big blue circle on the right.
7. To move the people click on them.
8. To move the raft click on the pole on the opposite side of the river.

http://freeweb.siol.net/danej/riverIQGame.swf

First Impressions

Evil

Landed at the Delhi airport. India is hazy. At least, it is tonight.

Evil's Tip Of The Day

Evil

Let's say you're single and in the dating scene. Let's say you meet a girl and things are going well. You get to a point in your dating progression where she says, "Hey, why don't you come over Saturday night. I'll cook you dinner."

This is a good sign, as any dolt can figure. But here's where your average guy will mess the whole thing up: DO NOT, under any circumstances, compliment her on her cooking! Why not? Because she's expecting you to. And if you do, you're playing right into her hands. She won't have any respect for you. And frankly, the vast majority of girls I've met are average cooks AT BEST. That means they're almost always insecure about their cooking skills. So if you don't compliment the cooking, it'll leave her longing. All through dinner, she'll be waiting for the words, "Mmm, so this so good." Her insecurity will compell her to satisfy you in other ways.

I told this to XTIAN and J1m Wh1te. XTIAN was doubtful. But J1m Wh1te was outright offended, dare I say, borderline violent. "How can you do such a thing? That's just. not. right!"

I'll tell you this: I've cooked for people plenty of times. And in none of those times have I done it for the compliment. I do it because I enjoy the process of cooking and if people are around to share in the food, then all the better!

So take it from me, Hosers. Use my tip. It's a good one.

Evil Twin #2 Is Back!

Evil

She's back. The polling feature on this site was suspiciously quiet while ET #2 was away. I think she was somehow voting for 8 people.

Lofty Goals

I'm trying to learn Japanese, and I think it's going to be quite difficult. I ordered my first book today from ebay called Dog Wear & Goods. Here are some sample pages that successfully scored the sale. Those Japanese are so creative!

Someone's Estrogen Level Is High

Evil



I'm leaving for India in two days. Try not to miss me as much as XTIAN apparently will. Check out this email exchange from earlier today...

From: XTIAN (7:52am)
when do you actually leave?

From: Evil (8:08am)
weds afternoon

From: XTIAN (8:24am)
I hope we see each other again. If we cross paths in another universe, we should stop and say hello.

From: Evil (8:34am)
what? are you drunk?

From: XTIAN (8:35am)
lil bit

In retrospect, I now do believe that XTIAN was drunk... drunk on his love for me!

Feelin' Olympian

Evil

Just booked my flight to Beijing for the summer Olympics. No, not as a participant. I know how you could have thought that, with my world class physique and all. But I'll just be a spectator. My friend the AY has 4 sets of tickets to 10 events, so she said I could have an entire set if I get myself to Beijing. Done!

Unemployment, Day 5 (Yesterday)

Evil
The day itself was uneventful, the highlight being a nap that I took on my couch at around 2pm. I didn't leave the apartment while the sun was still out. And why should I? That's the beauty of being unemployed.

I had dinner plans for 9:30pm. Meeting Mamacita, KenTak3, XTIAN, and Mr. Shoulders at the Kobe Club. I met up with XTIAN an hour beforehand at the Borders book store because he needed to pick up a book... a book on hiking trails in the NY/NJ/PA area. Come On, People! This is what the Internet is for? Who wants a 3 year old book on hiking trails? That stuff is NOT still there. Also, who goes hiking in 40 degree weather? XTIAN invited me on this potential death march, but I was smart enough to decline. ("Sorry man, gotta stay home to watch TV and play Guitar Hero.") BTW- If you caught this week's episode of The Office, then you can pretty much imagine how XTIAN's day in the woods will turn out.

While at Borders, I wanted to show XTIAN all the wacky biographies that are currently out. I had been browsing through some of them while waiting for him to show up, but with my bad spatial orientation, I had totally forgotten where the biographies section was. So I hailed the nearest store help, a thing, hip-looking chick with red glasses and asked where the biographies section is.

"We don't have a biography section," she said.

"Yes, you do. I was just there," I said.

At this point, her co-worker, a rail-thin, idie-rock book shelver cut in and said, "Umm, well. We sort of have a biographies section. It's really New & Notables, I think. But it's right there in front of the cafe area." The girl shot daggers at him with her eyes. He makes this gesture with his shoulders and eyebrows as if to say, "WTF? I'm just trying to help. Biotch."

We walk to the cafe area and sure enough, there's five shelves full of biographies. The sign above the shelves even says "Biographies & Memoirs." How is this not a biographies section!

Anyway, here's some recommended reading if you're into reading about people other than me.

WWE Superstars Chris Jericho and "The Animal" Batista have new biographies out because everyone loves roided up men in spandex.

If you're into self-absorbed athletes, pick up Tiki Barber's book. Half of it is pictures of him sweaty and shirtless. That's not gay or anything. BTW- what's with that ridiculous cover photo? It looks like he's sneakily picking his nose. For a more entertaining football read, pick up Michael Strahan's bio. Don't let this gap-toothed oaf fool you, he's got lots of charisma. Sort of like Shrek.

On the more artsy side, don't miss Patty Boyd's bio. Who's Patty Boyd, you might be asking. If you believe what's on the book jacket, then Patty Boyd is "an acclaimed photographer." HAH! Here's a better reference: if you've seen the movie Almost Famous, she's the real person behind the Penny Lane character (played Kate Hudson). The real story behind Patty Body is that 40 years ago, she had the most desirable vagina in the entire music scene. I hope this book was written by her privates!

And then there was dinner itself. We all ate lots of meat. Mr. Shoulders confided in Mamacita about his woman issues and she gave him some good advice. Let's hope that little punk follows through. XTIAN was well-behaved for once, but KenTak3 definitely was not! I think someone messed with KenTak3's programming prior to dinner and inserted some codes for "drink like a maniac." I guess even robots like to let it all hang out every once in a while.

You Love Me! You Love Me!

Evil

Yay! I win!

Thanks, all you Hosers. I love you too.

Unemployment, Day 4

Evil

Picked up my new glasses today and I think they look great! Slightly different look for me. I'm usually unsure about new glasses. It's so easy to pick the wrong ones and end up looking like a dork. But this time, I went to a glasses shop where the guy behind the counter was so over-the-top gay, lisp and all. That gave me instant confidence that I'd come away with cool glasses. And indeed, now that I have them, I think he did a great job.

Different topics...

Why did the writer's guild have to have a strike during my week of unemployment??? That's so F'ed up! No new Daily Shows and Colbert Reports. Not even any new Tonight Shows... that's how you know I'm desperate.

My old friend MG emailed me today. He wanted me to ask all you Hosers to help him find this toy: Aqua Dots. This "toy" contains the date rape drug, so stores are quickly pulling it off their shelves. But MG really wants this stuff, so if you can find it, please buy it for him and he'll pay you back. Thanks!

Hurtin'

Evil


My hands are hurtin' like a mo-fo! Been practicing every day. I mean, what else am I going to do, right? Go to work? HAHAHA.

Exercise In Futility?

Evil

Those of you who see me fairly regularly have probably noticed that I've been putting on weight. Here's the crazy thing... I've been working out with a personal trainer for the past year! But I just keep getting fatter and fatter. And the then other day, I finally realized what's going on. You see, my personal trainer is built just like David Wells (pictured above). And he's training me to have the same physique as him! Argh. That explains why he hardly ever has me do ab exercises. And even when he does, it's half assed crunches. But he does make me do a lot of leg stuff and upper body work, while ignoring my core. At this point, my core is almost as weak as XTIAN's morals.

Unemployment, Day 3

Evil

What is the time boundary between "a nap" and full-on "sleep"? These are the philosophical questions that I ponder during my unemployment. Actually, I just woke up from... err... well, I was going to call it a nap, but saying "two and a half hour nap" doesn't sound right. I wasn't born in this country so I don't have a lot of the cultural things nailed down. Can someone more American help clarify?

I haven't done much today, as you can probably surmise. I haven't even practiced Guitar Hero 3 for the day, yet. My hands hurts. Practicing takes so much work. Although I did watch various Guitar Hero 3 videos on YouTube. These people are soooo good! Here's one example.

I think I need to head out to Starbucks just to get out of the apartment for a little while. And also to check the mail.

Unemployment, Day 2

Evil


On my second day of unemployment, I finally got around to replacing my incandescent light bulbs with the new compact fluorescent ones. Hopefully, this will result in better eco-karma for me. One thing I didn't know about compact fluorescent bulbs before today: they come in some unmanagable sizes! Basically, the bulbs get bigger as the wattage goes up. Something that's the equivalent of a 100W light bulb is gigantic! It's like 9 inches long. Something this big doesn't fit everywhere that it needs to. So my apartment now isn't 100% converted to compact fluorescent, but I've done it everywhere I could.

Unemployment, Day 1

Evil


My trainer said, "If he were actually in good shape, I would really hate him."

I said, "Who?"

My trainer said, "Alec Baldwin. He just went down the stairs."

Like a starstruck tool, I scampered down the stairs to the weight room on the ground floor. Sure enough, there was Alec Baldwin, wearing a baseball cap and an all-black outfit. He was doing dumbell shoulder presses.

My trainer had told me before that Alec Baldwin works out at my gym, but I had never seen him. But since I didn't have work to go to today, I had my training session at 4pm, an hour when working stiffs aren't at the gym.

Turns out that Alec Baldwin lives not far from me! But he lives in a much nicer apartment... the El Dorado.

Moral Dilemma

What would you do (hypothetically speaking) if you found out someone you knew was in a porn movie? Would you still be friends with them?

I'm not sure I envisioned that I would be mixing with such ilk, but it's kind of intriguing, plus I like to have a diversity of friends.

Can we make this the next poll?

Evil's Tip Of The Day

Evil

This is a fun one, if you want to instantly get an irate reaction out of someone. I've done it a few times now and it's a hit every single time!

Next time you're at a Starbucks, or deli, or fast food joint -- basically any place with a tip jar next to cash register -- when you get your change, make like you're going to drop it into the tip jar, but at the last second, toss the change into the garbage can. This move will literally cost you only cents but the reaction you get from the minimum wage loser behind the cash register is priceless!!!

Recent Updates

Evil

Now that I don't have a job to distract me, I can post a lot more! Here are some recent happenings...

Friday night, XTIAN and I went out to drinks with some of my co-workers. Normally, I have to keep XTIAN away from the work crowd because let's face it, that guy is nuts. But I think his medication is working well and he's been pretty well adjusted lately so I was like, what the heck. All turned out well. We hung out for a little while and on our way home, XTIAN and I stopped off for a beef patty, which is almost a tradition now. An unheathy, fatty-pants tradition. But a tradition nonetheless.

Yesterday was a good day. I made a new friend. Steph from here.to.here was in town, so we caught up for a couple of drinks. Also, I bought Guitar Hero III for Nintendo Wii yesterday and have been rocking out in all of my spare time since then. I challenge anyone to a Guitar Hero face off! Loser has to give the winner a reach-around or something similar.

And Evil Twin #2 IM'd me earlier today, from an Internet cafe in Penang. I don't even know where Penang is, but I didnt want to ask so as to appear ignorant and/or racist. Evil Twin #2 said she misses me a lot and thinks about me several times a day. I think she may have an unhealthy obsession with me, but we'll see. The cops are on standby.

I'm doing a series of undergrad admissions interviews at my college alma mater today. Right after the last one is done, I'm heading over to KenTak3's place to watch the big game -- Colts trampling the overrated Pats. Mamacita, Bruno, XTIAN, and Mr. Shoulders will also be there. Sounds like an explosive combination. BTW- I hear that XTIAN's romantic life may be back on track. In-ter-es-ting...

Last Day

Evil

Today is my last day of work. Feels sad. :(

Relevant Targeting Or Just Creepy?

Evil


WHOA. Look what I just saw on the front page of yahoo. Is Yahoo reading The Hose and placing targeted ads based on what I write???

I (heart) The Nurse Practitioner

Evil

I went to get my shots today: Hep A and Tetnus. Not Hep B because it's sexually transmitted. I'll have to try hard to keep the Indian women off of me.

I think I (heart) my nurse practitioner. Her name is Alison. She has round, peaceful eyes. She's built like a distance runner. She's blonde and sports a short, urban haircut. Very New York. After she gave me my shots, we had an awkward moment where we just stared at each other. It lasted for probably two seconds, but it felt much longer. Then she said, "OK, you're all set." Before I left, she suggested that I come back next week for a flu shot. Yay! Or should that be... Yay?

If You Love Me...

Evil

There's nothing I want more than this wi-fi rabbit. If you love me, you'll buy me one! Evil Twin #1, Evil Twin #2, and Mamacita... I'm looking right at you!

Outdated Move Review: Knocked Up

Evil


Watched Knocked Up on the plane ride back to NYC yesterday. This movie is exactly XTIAN's life! Or at least, what XTIAN's life will be soon. Here's the premise:

Chubby, funny guy meets hot girl at a club. Both get smashed on drinks and head back to her place. Various mishaps with contraception take place and before you know it, sperm and egg do their thing. Hilarity ensues.

Actually, if you've ever heard XTIAN do his rant about "I just need to impregnate" someone, this movie is what he's talking about. Because in the end, the shlubby guy and the hot girl become a happy couple, have an instant family, and live happily ever after.

BTW- there are other parallels in this movie, especially the lead character's band of tooly friends. XTIAN has a band of tooly friends too! One of the friends in the movie even has a girlfriend. Mamacita- that's you!

Hello from SoBe!

You may (or may not) have noticed that I posted some comments as Mamamcita. Sorry for the confusion! I've been in a constant drunk state since Wednesday down here in Florida for a conference. KenTak3 is now here with me and we are powering down for a few minutes before back out partying. I'm really hoping we run into Crockett and Tubbs. Manolo, where are you going to meet us?

By the way, we are planning on having an "art deco" weekend. Everything in South Beach is art deco.

Here's a photo of how we spent our day today. Can you spot us off a little towards the right side?

Evil Goes To Hollywood

Evil

As I've mentioned on this blog a few times, XTIAN and I have been having some pretty serious planning meetings about The Hose. We're launching this thing to a broader audience and it's going to be huge.

But I've also started to sense something sinister going on with XTIAN. I'm pretty sure that he's plotting against me at this point. Well, not plotting against me, per se. But he's basically trying to take all the spotlight for himself. While I'm out of the country (in India and China through spring of 2008), I sense that XTIAN will be making the big move to get famous.

So I've decided that I have to look out for myself and make my own plans. I started that earlier this week... during my day off in the LA area, I met up with a friend of mine who's a writer on the NBC show, The Office.

Here's me on the set of the show. I think I made a pretty good impression. I'm up for both a writing role and an on-air role. They're not sure what to do with all the talent that I have. I don't either. It's a curse, really. To be so talented.

They had me pose for some photos. I'm a natural.

This is what XTIAN gets for being selfish. If you run in to him, be sure to ask him what he's doing to get famous. He'll tell you he's "writing a novel." Big f'ing deal! Hah! Good luck, man.

A Surprise For Evil in Beverly Hills

Evil

It's 7:25pm and it's my boss calling me for the second time in the last twenty minutes. He's asking me, "Where are you!?" with a hint of worry in his voice. I tell him (again) that I'm sorry for being late and that I'm really close. My cab is at a red light and I can see the Beverly Hills hotel right in front of me, which is where I'm supposed to be. "Be there in one minute," I say.

When I get there, I hop out of my cab and immediately scoot into the black sedan he has waiting in front of the hotel. "So what's this client dinner we're going to?" I ask. He tells me that everything's been poorly organized and it's a bit of a clusterf*ck, but that our company is basically looking to buy this small mobile-related startup and we're going to have dinner and drinks at the home of the startup's founder. I'm thinking that sounds cool. If the guy lives in Beverly Hills, he must have some money already. I'm looking forward to seeing his place. I take mental notes of opulent homes, because one day, I plan to be a rich douchebag too and I want to play the part well.

We get to the apartment complex, buzz in through the gates with a code that my boss has on his blackberry and walk up to the pool area. There's a crowd there already... obviously, because I was 35 minutes late in meeting my boss at his hotel. Not expecting to know anyone there... but the first person I see is a co-worker. Then another. Then another.

Ooooh! This is my going away party! I'm thinking to myself, "Holy crap! They went so much out of their way to make it a real surprise by throwing the party in Beverly Hills." They had me fly in under the guise of some client dinner and they flew in too, most of them from NYC and a few from SF. How awesome is that?

BUT... this was the real surprise:

My brain is still processing the fact that I'm at a going away party and not a client dinner when suddenly, Mystery walks up to me and starts to "peacock" my outfit. As you regular Hosers know, I'm fairly obsessed with most reality TV shows and this year, VH1's The Pickup Artist was the best show on television (or just in my head, but I loved it).

Turns out that the reason we all came to Beverly Hills was to party at Mystery's place. Poolside BBQ, drinks, and chillin out. Working on our pickup lines.

Mystery's entourage was there in full force. Remember Joe D? He was on the show. Joe D turned out the be super cool. Really chill. Here's a group shot of us making idiotic faces. Joe W (far left) and Brady (far right) were there too. Kosmo, the guy who won the show, isn't in this pic, but he dropped by too.

Part of this Peacock Theory that Mystery has involves wearing outlandish outfits and accessorizing well because those are all conversation starters. And it gives girls a chance to touch things on our body. Like this, for example...

But even if you're Mystery, there are still rules... and one of the rules is that the apartment complex makes you vacate the pool area at 10pm sharp so as to not disturb the neighbors. So we took the crew up to Mystery's apartment, where there was more picking up to be had. Check out the scene behind me.

So there you go! My "client dinner" in Beverly Hills.

Crazy Surprise!

Evil

So you know that "client dinner" in Beverly Hills I was supposed to go to last night? I went alright and it wasn't no client dinner! Huge surprise... probably one of the coolest surprises ever! (You'll never guess. But you can try! Post in the comments section...) I'll post pics later. Not that I'm deliberately holding out on you guys. Just that the pics are on other people's cameras so I have to wait for them to upload.

And that "all day strategy session? for today? Doesn't exist either. In SoCal with a day free. What can be better. Woooo!

Now We Know The Truth

Evil


Well, well, well. Looks like our readers have spoken and the truth has come out! Mamacita, it's ok. We knew it all along anyway. Just that it felt too weird for anyone of us to bring up.

I Am So Important

Evil

Hi all, please try not to rob my apartment while I'm away for the rest of the week. Flying out to LA tomorrow for a client dinner in Beverly Hills. Then going to an all-day strategy session at the Beverly Hills hotel the next day. And by "all-day strategy session" I mean I'm going to pretend to listen to other people talk while starting at whatever boobage might be in the room.

Then flying up to the Bay Area for work. And by "work," I mean let people take me out for drinks because it's my last two weeks at the company. Yay!

So by the way, in case I didnt tell you in person... I'm quitting my job. Going to spend 6 or 7 weeks in India. Then flying back here for 2 weeks around New Years. Then flying out to China for about 12 weeks. Then after that, I don't know.

Still 'Hood

i am sitting here in the dark nodding along to this...word...

The Break-Up

Someone in my group quit today. She did one of those "Do you have a few minutes?", led me to a conference room, and proceeded to dump me while adding lots of reasons why she was sad it was over but clearly time to move on.

She's 11 years younger than me.

The worst part is that I knew this would end eventually (maybe after the Christmas season, I thought) but I wanted to be the one to call the shots.

What do I do now? Does anyone want to work with me? I promise I'm nice. I'm not bossy boots. I'm not controlling. And I almost have a crush on X-tian (which must be possible by a sensitive and thoughtful person) unless someone else votes and Evil wins.

That's not funny

I had the weirdest experience in the gym today. I have been working out a lot lately, striving to get back into California shape for my eventual triumphant return to the only place I have ever enjoyed living, outside of Sao Paolo. People stop and say I am starting to look good generally, and I appreciate their courtesy, but they're wrong. Right now, I look like a guy who played high school football and was in great shape then went to college and drank and pot smoked thru life for the next 8 years and now its now...The upside is that, by my math I look 26, just a "hard lived" 26.

But I digress, in the locker room, I walk around naked. I do I don't care. The unwritten rules is that this is totally allowed so long as we as a community of males who work out focus on whats on him as opposed to looking around. As a result I can walk around with out too much stress. While undressing post workout, I noticed that this brother over my left shoulder was a little to into my movement.

As I walked by, en route to the shower, he held his gaze like it was ok. As I got to the stalls, I had a new thought, what if he's trying to steal my stuff? I race back and decide to weigh myself, so I can see if he's at my locker...he's not, he's still sitting there shirtless staring at me "you dropping some weight?"

Ah, he's a trainer, he's going to hard sell me on working out with him. Odd place to approach a guy I thought but whatever..."lil bit" I said.

He just looked at me and nodded a bit, like he understood, all the while evaluating me, looking me up and down...

Unnerved by the voyeurism, I took a shower, I can see the hand towel dispenser from my shower and looking out I saw him again standing at the hand towel dispenser and staring at me till I noticed him. Then he quickly vanished.

This was getting m-f-ing weird!

As I put on my jeans (my pair of f-me jeans...the only ones in the world that really make my butt look good) I turned around, he was backing out of the locker room looking at me.

What the f*ck?

Does the Mamacita work for the NSA?

Check this out, a comment from the mamacita earlier today:

"Also, should we have real people visible on the site? What happened to no real names? I am afraid that the wrong people will go on Facebook, connect everyone together, and somehow we will all be indicted."

Lots of questions here -
Who is going to take the face that is the "O" in our site and connect it to a real name and then go thru the exercise of connecting all of us together? We need to do a lot of pattern matching across the WWW. I took a computer science course or ten. I know how much resource that takes. Who exactly cares enough to do that? Also, when did Dr. Cosby become a reader of the hose?

Bad Person: XTIAN

Evil

Went to dinner last night with XTIAN, Evil Twin #2, and ET #2's BF. XTIAN did the classic bad person thing by re-opening old wounds. In this case, Manolo was the victim. Apparently, there is an old story about how Manolo put a d1ldo in his mouth in front of about 25 other people. What a classic! That story will never die.

Re-design... IN PROGRESS

Evil

There's no way to work on the re-design in a separate copy of The Hose. So I have to do everything live. So everything is in progress. Not done yet! Please bear with us as we improve The Hose.

Boooooooo!

Halloween is spidering around the corner!!!

In the process of doing some administrative tasks this afternoon, I came across these. Wow-eeee! I think Jagged Teeth would be best for me, but (yowza!) they cost almost as much as Bruno.

BTW, who's having the Halloween party? I want to wear my new contacts in disguise.

A Fishy Voting Scheme?

Evil


OK, I suspect something fishy is going on with the latest poll. How is it that I'm in the lead with 6 votes? The only person who things I have a crush on XTIAN is XTIAN, so that should be only 1 vote at most. I suspect that XTIAN is getting his family to vote as a block on these polls. What a racket.

BTW- everyone knows that Mamacita is totally into XTIAN. You can even see it in the comments section of this post. She asks, "X-Tian, are you free on Friday night?"

Planning Meetings

Evil

XTIAN and I have been having a series of planning meetings about The Hose. We've been meticulously poring over a treasure trove of stats, collected by Google Analytics. We've been analyzing what posts you like and what posts you don't. We've also been planning major improvements for The Hose, to come in the near future! Including a site re-design. YAY.

But XTIAN has also been a huge pain during this entire process. I think his head is getting too big. Check out what he just IM'd me.


XTIAN: i think i got a small problem with you

EVIL: what?
is it a 4 cell problem?
soon to be 8 cells
then 16 cells
what are you talking about

XTIAN: where is your content
i dont think you are pulling your weight on the hose
i think its all me

EVIL: WHAT
who do you think is being funny?
ME!
ME!
ME!

XTIAN: thats our next poll question

EVIL: dude, that's 6 days away

XTIAN: we have to put it to referendum

EVIL: a lot can change in 6 days

XTIAN: i know
i am giving you a heads up

EVIL: my last poll question was the best one yet!

XTIAN: can you win back your audience in the next 6 days?
i think you're shot
nothing left

EVIL: i will not stand for this

Idiocy of Crowds

Evil


James Surowiecki is a windbag and that Wisdom of Crowds stuff is a bunch of crap, especially when it comes to The Hose. You Hosers are strictly contrarian. (Or just plain un-wise.)

So here's the way to interpret the recently-closed poll on marriage order. Reverse the results. Yes. So that means KenTak3 (with 0 votes) will most certainly be getting married first. Followed by J1M Wh1te, getting married next, with this next marriage. Then Mr. Shoulders, who will finally settle on an Indian mail order bride. He's so indecisive! Evil follows, marrying a charming southern gal who also happens to be a tall, leggy blonde (but Evil is not superficial like that).

Last up will be XTIAN. Poor XTIAN. No one loves him.

Date AND Die

Anyone remember this? Well rest assured, that nonsense is long over. xTian is back in full effect. Here's how it went down

I'm at brunch yesterday with some family and I get a call. I take it.

"hey"
"Oh hey, what's up"
"remember when you made that joke one morning about all my male friends being in love with me?"
"sure"
"well, you were right. is totally in love with me"
"interesting"
"He told me Wednesday and we had a long talk about it last night. This is only interesting because I have had intense feelings for him..."

At this point I tune her out and step away from the table so my aunt cannot press me on why I am flush white. I step out side into the second proper autumn day of the year. The nip in the air warming the cold streak that just ran down my back.

"interesting"
"I wanted you to know"
"apparently interesting is what I say when I have no idea what the f*ck else to say."
"right...I really like you I want to be friends"
"right, we should go for coffee next week and...wow...that was going to end very harshly"
"that's ok. I'm sure you will at some point want to say something and you should feel free to call me and do that"
"Sure...I'll call you tomorrow"

I delete her phone number the second I am off the phone. I make smoke with the cold air and my breathe. i stick my hands in my pockets and hang out with my family for the next 10 hours and about 10 minutes in I realize nothing is wrong and I'm completely fine. Just eight hours earlier, around 3am, I was walking through washington square park with Sparkes telling him about her positive attributes but not being terribly convincing at least not to me. Ah well....

Having said all that...Date or Die is back on! Watch out! I'm just getting started....

Welcome Home, Me!

Yawn! I've just come back from a week-long business trip to the UK. Reasons why I had trouble returning:

1. Everyone departs the office at 17:30 or 18:00 to go to the pub!
2. Everyone arrives at 09:30 or 10:00 (see point 1) to drink tea or espresso in the pantry.
3. Everyone is ultra-polite.
4. You can get a half-day's work done in peace and quiet, before New York comes in and makes a lot of noise.
5. The chocolate is delicious, and vodka from parts of Europe does not get imported to the US.

On the way back to Heathrow, an ultra high-maintenance American woman is trying to hail a taxi outside of our hotel. I ask where she is headed, and her cold reply of "Just that way down the road" leaves me waiting a while longer to fetch my own cab. A few hours later, UHMA ends up seated right next to me on the flight! So I say pithily "Oh, I remember you! You were outside the Hoxton hotel. Glad you managed to find your way down the road."

PS. England wins the highly anticipated rugby match vs. France yesterday. Well done, England!

Surprising Vote In Progress!

Evil

We're only half way through the voting period, but the trend thus far is suprising. I dare say, disturbing? Who are all these people voting for XTIAN? Is his huge clan of relatives voting for him because they feel sorry for him? Or is it XTIAN's harem of women, all hoping that XTIAN will pop the question? (That guy is so unstable, he can pop the question to anyone at anytime.) Or is it you, readers of The Hose, voting for XTIAN? Is this some kind of a joke?

BTW- the lone vote for J1m Wh1te thus far is from J1m Wh1te himself. Shameless.

Staten Island Style!

Watch this clip of a Staten Island Councilman completely lose it and you'll know where Mr Shoulders is coming from. This is Staten Island style at its best. Dont take crap from anyone! And lose your mind at the drop of a hat!

See You At Spring Training!

Evil
Sigh... The Yankees lost again this year. So disappointing. So many things went wrong.

Derek Jeter, what happened to you? You were Mr. Clutch, the new Mr. October! You made everyone forget about Reggie Jackson. And now what? Grounding into double plays left and right?

A-Rod: Leave already. Opt out of your contract, please! The Mets will gladly pay you $400 million over 10 years. They'll make all sort of unnatural moves to accommodate you, like shifting David Wright to SS and shifting Jose Reyes to CF. Yes, really. The Mets have such a hard on for you.

Hideki Matsui: OMG, you shamed not only the Yankee organization, but all Japanese people. You know what you need to do now! (Try not to let it be too messy.)

Roger Clemens: You sucked in this series, but that's OK I guess. You're lie 65 years old. Oh wait, the Yankees paid you $28 million dollars this year? For that? What a rip off!

Man, I'm really bummed. But I still love the Yankees. Unless I switch to being a Mets fan!