Pictures of Me

I get a lot of holiday cards from friends and family. Often, they have pictures of the family all dressed in red and wishing me a happy holiday season. I cannot read, so I really appreciate the photos.

My cousin DG's photo holiday card always unnerves me. When she got married, in addition to the rest of her husband's baggage, she acquired the ugliest cats in the world. They seem to have had their eyes replaced with Spanish olives...maybe its a fashion in Miami. Maybe the cats are just hell spawn....

I'm sure they're pure bred and expensive, but a pure bred hell spawn is still a hell spawn. I don't mind admitting that last year I took 5 minutes, stared at my cousin and her husband - absorbing their bliss - and quickly discard their photo, lest I leave it on my desk and accidentally catch a glimpse of their pet Spanish olive-eyed demons.

This year, as I opened their holiday card, the hell spawn barely registered. I was distracted by something else entirely. DG had included two pictures of me, by myself, at her wedding. One was of me reading at a church lectern. The other was of me in profile, smiling and seemingly having a good time. I was wearing a smart suit and an open collared shirt. I look fairly thin and my hair is well kept. This bothered me worse than the sight of the devil cats. I immediately called the bump and told him about the card from DG and the pictures of me.

BUMP: Wait, she sent you two pictures of you? By yourself?
ME: Yeah
BUMP: By yourself?
ME: (Sigh)Right
BUMP: What are you going to do with that?
ME: I don't know. I certainly won't put them up. I mean who puts up a photo of just themselves...I'm certainly not that into looking at myself
BUMP: More like you can't stand the sight of your self
ME: POE-TAE-TOE, POE-TAH-TOH
BUMP: Whatever...you're gay

I shuddered a moment and hung up the phone. I went back to the olive-eyed demons and wondered if maybe they weren't so bad to look at after all.