Can we Help a Brother Out?

PLEASE!

Date or Die: Death by a Million (electronic) Paper Cuts

On 8/22/07, APR wrote:

hi xTian,

i'm sorry, but i don't think we're a good fit. i think you're a great person, and i enjoyed spending time with you. i wish you all the best.

APR

ON 8/23, xTian wrote:

that's too bad. I really enjoyed our conversations.

Can I ask a small favor? if you see me on the street please feel comfortable enough to say hello. It will be non-awkward I promise

:-)

take care

xTian

But I lied, it will most assuredly be awkward...I may even stub her toe...or, more likely, lick her face and run away.

This however was not the coldest rejection I ever received over email. Note this from 2 years ago. from a girl I sort of messed around with once in a club and the emails we exchanged after that were initially about making a plan to hang out but ended like this...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't know...I can't tell if you are insulting and complimenting me at the same time.

I feel the same way when we are together, which may be the reason why I am not too keen on the idea of us hanging out.

I am sorry. Can we just chalk it up to having conflicting personalities and leave it at that?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I keep these things....and think about them

Vote or Die

Evil



you astute readers of the hose might have noticed that we've implemented a polling feature, which is in the right hand side bar. only 3 days left to vote on the first question! and it's a close one. 50% of you think that someone loves xtian. 50% of you think that no one loves him. it's a nailbiter!

any suggestions for the next poll question? submit them in the comments section!

(Rare) Moment of Vulnerability

Evil

it was relatively late in the evening. i was online, doing some work-related emails. and xtian IMs me. a good 80% of our IM conversations are basically:

"woooooooooooo!"

but in a rare moment of vulnerability, i asked xtian via IM, what will happen to me once he has a steady, caring girlfriend? where does that leave me? so sad.

I knew I loved this girl for a reason

http://www.timeout.com/newyork/article/11137/the-single-file

Date Or Die: Midweek Update 2

SMS ruins everything...here is a unclear exchange with the Southern Belle

Her:I bought a copy of Theodore Rex last weekend. I'll let you know it goes once I finally get to it....
me: You realize its part2 to the Rise of...? I was going to phone you tonight. When do they let you out?
Her: I did not realize that. I'm out at 6 but I'm running over to double dinner appointments from there.
Me: Hmmmm two q. How does one attend 2 dinners at once? what are your weekend plans?
Her: One at 6:30 and one at 8. I wouldn't recommend it to everyone. Saturday working all day and dinner. Sunday - breakfast, lunch, movie, dinner...you?
Me: You are a tightly schedule person. I was thinking a rainy weekend would be optimal for some crosswording action.
Her: usually you would be correct. Ill see if any times get shifted around. Saturday may be earlier than I think. We haven'tgotten confirmation for end time for work on saturday
Me: I'll phone you later in teh week to inquire further. This texting business is generally an ungentlemanly way to extend invitations. I am only participating because I'm sure it beats the alternative. Where your alternative is paying attention in training and my alternative is paying attention to this conference call.
Her: duly noted :-)

I was really proud of myself this week. For the second week in a row I blew off someone who almost ruined my life 5 years ago, there by remaining consistent to my date or die manifesto (as described in the prologue).

Date or Die...Change or Die...its all the same here...

Doing OK

Evil

Mosquito bite on my left eye went down. Eyes back to normal now! Doing OK. Drinking alone, yes.

Date Or Die 2: The Wake

It's 9pm and I am way too happy to be at this wake consoling my cousin. Well, she's not my cousin. She's my mother's cousin...after a fashion. Let me explain

One of the most beautiful things about being Latin is the fluid definition of family. I occasionally struggle with this. I'm the first to admit it. I'm OK with that because I have further observed that white people just don't understand this at all. So this woman is not my cousin and might actually be my mother's second cousin once removed. But my grandmother and her mother grew up together (while not strictly sisters) in the same house and started the second half of their life together again in a different country. She's family...I know this because when I was small we had family gatherings and she was there. Her whole family was there, my family.

Still I'm doing a horrible job consoling her, I'm too perky. Further, when her mom died and my grandmother moved to Florida that familial connection loosed. Remember, I used the word "fluidity" and i meant it. Still, I got here in a pretty good mood and it has only got better over the course of the hour. Seeing these people I had not seen in 15 years made me think of happier, more innocent times. Soon I was joined by my uncles (who are in their 40s and more like big brothers...more fluidity) and their families and another cousin( who was actually a second cousin once...well you get the picture) and our grieving cousin told her dad's grieving widow how this was her Aunt Isabel's family and we were all family and she nodded with approval and made mention to the stories she heard from the old days...

This made me tingle a bit. Yes, I'm single and melancholy but I'm also part of something larger, a mythology I guess. It starts with bunch of guys in their sixties decided in the 1970s to show up in this country and try to build a better life for their huge and preposterously young families. Then these guys met a a fellow country man, a life long bachelor who passed for much younger than he was and how one of them introduced them to a daughter who had come to this country (as luck would have it) with a completely valid passport that was attained through a completely invalid process and how later a preposterously large baby was the first product of this union. My grandfather was one of these guys, and this fellow in the casket, he was there too...

Let's not focus on what a good guy I am. When my mom asked me to attend on her behalf I immediately balked. I was drunk after a concert and further had made plans for a date...how do I kill my date and attend this random event...It's saturday I'm trying to make a day of it but how do I start off in jeans then end up in a suit...what if I get lucky? Too many variables and I needed to simplify the situation...I committed to going on the date (to my mom...she hates me now) and if things went horribly awry I would make my way to Union City to the funeral home and pay respects. If things were going well, I reserved the right to bail. My mom reserved the right to use my grandmother's voice if need be. I was talking big but knew where this would end.

The date itself started ominously, I went to the wrong museum...a bad sign...clearly my argument with my mom had thrown me off. It got better and worse from there simultaneously. Neither of us were as into the art as we were in exploring each other's mindset. We discussed her oral fixation (she used to smoke) and how often she screened her dad's calls (something like 85% of the time). We discussed her sisters and how one of them dated a really bad actor who was apparently a super genuine guy. I mentioned half heartedly how my mom calls me every day and how I'm trying to ween her down to every other day. We got bored with the exhibit, except for the bit where we stood in a room with a mirror for the floor and the security guard pointed out to her that she was wearing a skirt and everyone (read: me) could see her panties. That was worth an awkward laugh.

We gave up on the post modern art and walked around central park and talked about the great restaurants we have eaten at (and failed to properly name half of them), theorized on the origin of the rollerskating rink that always seems to happen in the park and talked at some length about the people we have been with in the past...I suggested it might be a bit early for this conversation but she pointed out that we have probably gotten to know more about each other in two dates than she has in 5 or 6. I agreed and was aghast to see it was 6pm...crap I was on the verge of letting my grandmother down...I'm a jerk by design not by conscious act. She asked what was wrong and I admitted a confounding commitment and bit of family history. I thought this would be a strike against me in the grand scheme of things as she she had just spent all afternoon screening her dad. She apologized and admitted that when she is having a good time she could be a marathoner. I agreed that it was something we shared...just like diametrically opposed views on tapas was something we did not share. I further admitted that 5 hours is not a marathon per se...just a really good time...

I rushed home slapped on a suit and got lost all over Hudson county...

Later that night, we (family) sat there having a late dinner. We goofed on each other , shared some laughs and ate some great tapas. I was exhausted by my day but glad I was there...glad about all of it...I wondered how fluid it would be to insert my earlier date into this scene. We'll need to work on the tapas thing for sure...and we might need to make her wit a little more biting but all in all, I could see it happening...I guess...

P.S. - My grandfather turns 95 in November. I think in the run up to that, I may explore the Mythology a bit...stay tuned...

Desperation

Evil
Got an email from MENSA. They wanted me to re-join. Those guys are are more desperate than X-Tian! The last time I was in MENSA was in 1994. Top 2%? C'mon! Any monkey can be in the top 2%.

Argh

Evil

Little flying insects in my room last night. Biting me up. One of those bites was on my left eyelid. Eye swollen up. :(

Feist - 1 2 3 4

this i making me smile right

Startling Discovery

I came across this picture while reading the NY Post online, and I think KenTak3 might have a child* out there somewhere. No... actually, clearly Little Child is somewhere in the NY metro area, and worse yet, he likes the Yankees.

I'm not sure how to bring up this topic with KenTak3 to validate my findings. Help... anyone?

* the little guy on the left

Manolo Gets The New iPhone Shuffle

Shocking discovery

While watching some animal on plushy fetishist porn I came across some very disturbing video that included a frequent commentator on the Hose.

That's right Bruno has joined Paris Hilton and Lauren from the Hills as the latest celebrity sex tape victim. I'm sure it was before he met the Mamacita and KenTak3 and I'm sure he just did it for the money but this is some rough stuff...these were the only stills that I could put up on this site. The rest are on my facebook site though!

Date or Die: Mid Week Update

Called APR yesterday and left a slightly rambling message encouraging her to call me back to discuss a follow up date scenario (called out two options...a late saturday afternoon/dinner plan and a friday night plan that would include "the clown car" of friends I have.)

I am eagerly awaiting her call and burdened my chum (who I was meeting for a drink) with a ton on insecure thoughts like "she could either be at a tennis lesson or blowing another dude..."

NYT Girl is off the grid entertaining her mom...

I guess I got hot plans with my netflix tonight

Manolo Goes On Vacation (Midwest Style) - Day 0-1

(Editor’s Note: In my last post, I started telling all of you how I went to visit some old friends of mine up in Rochester, MN. Its big claim to fame is that the town is the home of the Mayo Clinic where my friends are doctors. This is a recap of Day 0-1 of the trip)

I finally get to Ike & Ella’s house where my friend Ike gives me the nickel and dime tour and shows me to the room where I am going to be staying. As soon as you walk in, you know my friend Ella had a hand in it. You see, my friend Ella is a neat freak. She is super clean. Everything is into little neat piles. She probably won’t admit it but I think she even irons the baby’s diapers.

After my long flight and I just want to get to bed but that can’t happen until I spend at least 5 minutes taking all the pillows down from the bed. I finally hop into bed where I then have to fight with the sheets. Those sheets are tucked in as tight as Yakov’s behind on Castro Street…

I wake up and decide to take one of my weekly baths. I ask for some soap and my friend Ella gives me one of those shower gels. She seemed to have memorized the packaging because as she hands it to me, she tells that the soap is for clean skin that looks and feels soft and healthy. She tells me that it provides abundant, creamy lather and contains nourishing vitamin E, pro-vitamin B5, white tea and shea butter. It is also designed to work with the warmth and humidity of the shower to maximize the moisture delivered to your skin and leaves skin feeling soft and smooth long after you leave the shower. Also, its vanilla fragrance transports you to a place of deep comfort. What the hell! Just give me a damn solid bar of soap woman…

Anyway, I spend the day playing with the baby and the neighborhood kids until the evening when we go to the “fancy” Mexican restaurant in town (by the way, there is only one other Mexican restaurant in town) to meet up with a friend who is having a going away party and was moving back to Ecuador (they are everywhere. I think Ecuadorians are worse than Mexicans). I engage in conversation with two young ladies who had joined the festivities a bit later than everybody else. We were never formally introduced but a friend of my friend is a friend of mine…

I was regaling them with stories about my life in Miami and how close my place is to the beach and how I went to Ike & Ella’s wedding in Peru and how you wouldn’t need any Viagra in Lake Titicaca (hehehe…Titicaca). I can yarn a pretty good tale when I want and they were eating everything up. How could they not? I was a burst of fresh air in that 2 Mexican restaurant town…

At one point, we were posing for pictures and I licked the Japanese girl by mistake…when she didn’t recoil in horror or anything, I took it as a sign that things were going well. The conversation on the table then drifted to the oncoming county fair. I mentioned that the 5 story corn (tallest structure in town) looks like a freaking dildo. The two young ladies smiled and giggled like silly little schoolgirls…then they mentioned that sometimes “corn” is all you have to do in that town. That was the second sign and I knew then it was on….I went in for the kill and told them I couldn’t wait for them to take me out in the town and show me what they usually do with “corn”.

They were going dancing that night and invited me to come along. We were expected somewhere else and not to seem overly anxious, I told them I wouldn’t join them that night since but that I would see them later in the week….Everyone went their separate ways…A day or two days later, when I asked my friend Ike for the girls info, he told me he didn’t know them. He asked his other friends…they didn’t know them either. It seems that the only person who knew them was incommunicado on his way to a forsaken South American country and would remain so during my stay...I never found out what they did with "corn" in Rochester, MN.

P.S. - Later in that same evening, and in the most interesting turns of events, I proposed to a man. He made the most delicious and well seasoned steak I have ever had and in a moment of orgasmic ecstasy, I proposed marriage…I never got a reply...

hmm

i just spent the last thirty minutes looking up Dashboard Confessional Live performances...

True Story, this is the bumpasaurus' favorite band. He knows all the words to Screaming Infidelities...What a girl...

Trying New Things

Evil

Went running in Central Park with Evil Twin #2 today. Good run... fairly hot day... by the late afternoon, I was really hungry. But I didn't know what to eat!

I walked down to the Fairway on to see what was up. My original plan was to buy a black seabass and steam it Chinese style and have it with rice. But when I got there, I saw that they had wild baby octopus! These little guys are like 2 inches big. So cute. So I decided to go with the baby octopus. Here's how it went down...

- Render 3 slices of bacon over medium-low til the bacon is almost crisp and the fat is all liquid.

- Add half a diced onion and cook til the onions are almost translucent.

- Add two cloves of garlic, sliced.

- Add one serrano chili, sliced thin.

- Let these guys cook together for a bit and when they're all chillin' out together, add a 28 oz can of whole tomatoes (but crush the tomatoes by hand before you add them); bring to a simmer and let simmer for about 20 minutes.

- Meanwhile, prepare the baby octopus with a little bit of olive oil and salt. Place the baby octopus on a baking plan.

- When the sauce is almost done, stick the baby octopus in a broiler and broil til the little guys have a bit of a black char on the edges.

- Turn off the heat for the sauce and then stir in some rough chopped basil. The residual heat will wilt them nicely.

- Pull the little guys out, and put some french baguette in the oven to toast them up real quick.

- Spoon the sauce onto a large plate, put the almost charred little baby octopus on top, and serve with the toasted french baguette.

So how did it turn out tonight? Pretty good... I was generally happy with the result, especially since I've never cooked baby octopus before and also since I wasn't working off of a recipe. The thing that could have been better is the cooking time of the baby octopus. I should have put those little guys closer to the heat when I broiled them so they could cook up faster. That would have made the meat a bit more tender. Oh well... lessons learned.

Date or Die; Date 1

Who: Asian Pharma Rep
Where: Madison Bar and Grill Hoboken NJ
Means of Introduction: The internet
Back Story: She hit me up on the interweb thinking me very amusing. I tested her intelligence by discussing the magazines she had a subscription to and what was in them. She struck me as remarkably genuine. I met her sight unseen.

The Synopsis

As she approached the restaurant (with me standing on the corner watching her) I was shocked by how attractive she looked. I grabbed my phone and acted like I was composing a text message when in reality I was trying to take a camera phone pic of her to forward to evil. I desperately wanted to ruin his day.

She claimed flexibility about where to sit but had made frequent disparaging remarks about her Asian freckles and how strange that was. Evil knows this, I am a huge fan of Asians with freckles. So I was sort of digging it. Still I found a table that would allow me to bask in the sun and her to shade herself under an umbrella.

Our conversation was great and free flowing although I was really disturbed by the fact that she sounded exactly like Sparkes' wife Cathy. So much so that I pointed it out and used the word "off putting" which as it shot out of my mouth I desperately tried to retrieve but to no avail. She laughed it off and I found myself in intense lust. How do I bang her now? On the corner of 13h and Broadway in Hoboken on a glorious day...how?

We pressed on, we got into families. I talked about the insanity in mine and she talked about how close she is to hers. I realized a friend of mine had had sex with her little sister in 2005 in Philly (the world is EXACTLY that small). She admitted that her dad is a Christian Korean minister and he might be dating a 32 year old woman in Seoul.

I liked her. I wanted more of her. She gave me a ride towards home (it was on her way). I asked to do something either Friday or Saturday. She agreed (reasonably enthusiastically). I like her too much, i will be on the outside looking in, by this time next week. I start recalculating my other two dates and start weighing the relative value of a second date with a good looking, awesome woman or the first date with the woman I met on facebook who I have deified to the point where if she is anything short of smartest, hottest woman ever I will be disappointed.

As I get out of the car I wave with a small smile, high on life. I check my messages before I jump on the PATH train and realize that my conversation with the southern belle from the night before was continuing via text message. I'm convinced there is no way any of this will end well. I hope you all enjoy it at least.

Date or Die: Prologue

I've decided to try something new for you guys. I have (i think) confirmed 3 first dates over the next ten days and I figured I would blog about them give you a sense of what I have been up to. I've spent the last 3-4 months reading intensely and got a bit bored with that. So I made a few deliberate changes in my world view to enable this

• I am now "In It To Win It" at all times...if I'm talking to you and you are an unsuspecting female, know that I will not relent until I at least get a phone number.
• In reality I am targeting an ass-licking
  
• The worst that could happen is you say "NO" and all that points to is your own pattern of self defeat not the limitations inherent in xTian
  
• Any medium is completely appropriate for meeting a new woman, this includes movie theaters while the movie is playing, retail outlets, dermatologist waiting rooms, the internet, the office, the quikie mart
  
• Rehashing old history with old women is the dark path and why I am not making any progress
  

As I was devising my manifesto this past friday, my homegirl reached out and invited me to a dinner with some of her friends. I was busy at work but had been earnestly trying to put together an impromptu drinking scenario that include ET2, le tuasieme the BF of ET2, Evil, KenTak3, the Mamacita and Bruno...none were receptive outside of ET2. Though I could sense her searching for an exit hatch when she realized she would have to spend more time with me sans the crew...one trip to Maine is more than enough...

I arrived at Fig & Olive fashionable late...as one does...
I was met by my homegirl(who's awesome btw, In a different world I probably would have found occasion to lust after endlessly. Somehow, in this one we have managed to become close without unlocking my baser instinct...a true testament to her awesomeness ) Her friends were a reasonably cool ghanian fellow from CT who she attended grad school with and an elegant southern girl she now works with.

Somehow our conversations split off very quickly. My friend talking to her ghanian friend and me talking to southern girl...we hit it off well enough...her rapid fire, interview approach to conversation kept things moving. As she peppered me with questions I wondered if it was a defensive mechanism to keep the focus away from her. Her skin might not be great. It was a recurring concern throughout the night.

The record skipped a beat when I bumped up against the record player by making a comment about her "hard hitting style of conversation". It took her a second to react but managed to play it off with a bad joke at Nancy Grace's expense.

Later at the bar she admitted she wanted to go to some museum or other. I thought on this for a second and asked "when are we going?"

She hesitated and said "a sunday soon"

I countered with a "we can meet for brunch do a cross word and then go"

She laughed at my directness

My grin exposed my canines...

"you're very proud of yourself right now"

"give me your number and..um...your last name"

I store her number and send her a text "this is xtian. we are going to xword then hit a museum..." I showed her text on my phone and said "my lawyer friend tells me text messages are legally binding..."

As we all left the bar I deposited her in a cab. she was quick to say "cross word and museum...a sunday"
I nodded and gave her a two cheek kiss in order to examine her skin some more.

What Does It Mean?

Evil

Serious question: if a girl is wearing a ring on her ring finger (left hand), does it 100% mean she's engaged or married? Are there any occasions where someone would wear a ring on that hand for any other reason?

I ask because there is this super cute (hot) girl. Recently I've noticed that she has a ring on her ring finger. I dont think it was there a few months ago. Anyway, it looks nothing like an engagement ring. It looks more like a class ring. The band is sort of yellowish / antique-ish in color. And there's a stone on the ring, but it's small and I think it's also black (or dark). It doesnt look like the typical engagement ring... and I've seen dozens of chicks who couldn't hold a candle to this girl strut around in ginormous diamonds. Evil is confused. Can someone help clarify?

Is My Wife Mad At Me?

Evil

Slept on my couch the last two nights and will likely sleep on my couch again tonight.

A Trip to Maine with the Evil Twins and the Balls Family

On 8/7/07, xTian wrote:
So I had a great time this past weekend. I'll admit I was scared sh*tless when we got in the car and you started yelling at me. I was like "oh crap. This whole weekend is going to be me getting yelled at by ET1? Plus, I forgot to bring my checkbook and I owe ET2 for the flight"

Why were you yelling at me again? I forget...I do remember that ET2 AND EVIL knew you would be pissy with me and did not warn me so I could deal with it in the appropriate way.
On 8/7/07, ET #1 wrote:
I was yelling at you because you had not responded to any of my emails the week before.

On 8/7/07, xTian wrote:
This is the start of our process homey. Reply again but be more expansive. tell me about being sick the week before and you know if you encountered any issues picking up the car or what you did while you waited for our plane to take off an land...that sort of thing

On 8/7/07, ET #1 wrote:
Maybe we should back up this tale to two weeks ago. You send this enigmatic e-mail to the Lobsterfest posse: whats the deal with lobsterfest? can i show up and crash with et#2 and et#1?

I replied that of course you could crash with us, but if you want your own bed could please call the B&B to see if they have cots. I give you the name of the place and the website to expedite things. You reply that was too much work, and then proceed to send out a mass email lamenting you have no where to stay when we get up there. Mahoney takes charge and finds room for you.

Then you complain you don't know how you will get there. So I email that you can ride with us. I also say please email back if you need the ride because then I will upgrade from the original economy car we were going to get and to also tell me where you are flying into so I know if I am picking you up from Boston or Portland. Once again no reply. Instead now I get an email from ET#2 that she bought your ticket.

Actually the only email you ever sent back to me was the one saying that you brought music for the ride. So I told Evil and ET#2 that you were a lazy SOB.

On 8/7/07, xTian wrote:
ET #1

I see. That's a pretty scathing indictment. I'm not sure what to say. Other than to remind you that as a man its my prerogative to be uncommunicative and that I'm very sorry.
Besides, Balls independently committed to me that this was all an non-issue and that we could make it work. I was not worried. Further, your pro activity in securing a larger car made the whole ride much more pleasant...

Also I am very happy that you can be bought off with colorful Malaysian desserts. That dinner at that restaurant was pretty good. I had a great time.

I was also really excited you liked Jenny Owen Youngs...she rocks doesn't she. I don't care that ET #2 got annoyed that I kept playing her album over and over. It's what I do.

You're not as bad a driver as advertised. Aside from not being aware of the invention of the "one way" you are super serviceable...

On 8/7/07, ET #1 wrote:
Thanks, Xtian. Besides my family, you may be the only person on the world that would not put me under the Asian woman driving stereotype.

I am slightly confused with you invoking "manly prerogatives," considering all the decidedly unmanly comments of the weekend: "Jem, truly outrageous," "I am a B&B guy," and your love of emotive women folk singers.

Gosh, we really did talk a lot about feelings on the drive up to Maine. Didn't feel like three sorority sisters on spring break?

On 8/7/07, xTian wrote:
et tu, ET #1?

As "sorority sisters" you have to do your part to keep up the facade that I perpetuate that I am all man....

J.O.Y. is awesome in concert. Yes her songs are emotive but she also makes BJ jokes all the way and generally shows up drunk. For her last show (at Joe’s pub) she showed up dressed like a boxer with a dude banging on bagpipes and a ring card girl in a little bikini and everything. It was awesome...

Moving on, that lobster was great. I don't know if it was obvious but I am not in the habit of working for my food. Grapes with seeds etc...Who needs it. But I really enjoyed the whole energy around cracking lobsters and what not. Did you see me hit sherry with all that lobster meat? It was so much fun. That picture of you and I revving up to eat lobsters is awesome.

Also, Jem is truly outrageous.

On 8/7/07, ET #1 wrote:
Aren't you glad you coordinated outfits with Balls before you came? The blue blazer might have gotten in the way and drenched in lobster juice and melted butter. But your sexy black t-shirt was able to stretch and move with your Herculean motions to crack the lobster shells.

There was a lot of exercising this weekend. First and foremost we did exercise our jaw muscles and our digestive tracts with the massive amounts of carnie food. Then there was all that walking around the faire, climbing walls, running 10ks, winning whack-a-mole. Oh wait that was me.

The one activity we all did was people watching. What did you think about typical New Englanders? Not counting the crazy Chinese doctor woman.


On 8/7/07, xTian wrote:
I have no clue about a lot of things. One of the things I have no clue about is the variance of people in New England. I understand Balls and his family, but there is even variance in that. I have only been to Nantucket (Brahman style) and Boston (preppie white boy style) so who knew I could go to Maine and see down home folk. So I would have thought a blue blazer appropriate. What do we when we get to the country club? Should I bring my tennis racket?

I like down home folk...except for the ones missing teeth. They scare me.

What was up with that B&B owner. She was weird. "I am from Philadelphia" she said with no irony whatsoever. Even as she pronounced spelled and spoke with a British accent. Wierdo...



On 8/8/07, ET #1 wrote:
Never really got to talk to her. I asked her for a banana in the morning and she seemed extremely annoyed. S and V told me that she was kind of a sour person, except when you and Mrs. Mahoney were chatting her up.

But the weather was too nice that morning to let an encounter with any weird pseudo British woman ruin it. The sun was shining and it was 75 degrees outside, and yummy Moody's diner in our tummy. We even cracked open a new driving mix cd for the ride home.

Were you conscious for any of that ride back?


On 8/8/07, xTian wrote:

Barely. I got a call from a friend who wanted to talk and I just was no game. I asked the same question 3-4 times.

Later I emailed her and apologized. She admitted she thought I was high and cut it short. Maybe I was...but on shellfish...ew

Open Call

Evil

Hey, posting this on behalf of my friend Mr. Shoulders. He's going to Napa for a weekend and would like a travel buddy. Has to be female, but Mr. Shoulders will be a gentleman (so long as you want him to be). I feel for my friend. He was going to do a Napa weekend solo, but that seems unacceptable to me. He's a good guy... makes bank... getting his MBA at one of the best schools in their executive program... offering up a nice weekend to Napa. Tentatively on the agenda are Cakebread and Neibaum-Coppola. And lunch at French Laundry.

Manolo Goes On Vacation (Midwest Style) - Day 0

I have done quite an amount of travel and to this day, I don’t know how to pack. I usually start throwing stuff in the couch about a week before and let it pile up until I have a critical mass of rags…The night before (usually on the wee hours) I start assembling at least two outfits (day/evening) for each day I am going to be away.

The next step it’s to actually fold the clothes so they fit in the suitcase…that’s usually a problem. Problem is that I am a big muscular guy and my clothes do take certain amount of space…I am not one of these petite Asian friends of mine whose tops fit in the palm of your hand once they are folded. I have never been able to properly fold my clothes. Somehow growing up, I chose not to learn…Just like two snowflakes are never the same; no two shirts of mine are ever folded the same way.

I leave work extra early so I can finish packing and arrive at the airport for my 9:00 PM flight. Of course, some people decided to have an accident on the highway and slow traffic to the pace of a centipede. I finally get to the airport and see the huge line of people waiting to check in. I point at them and laugh and proclaimed to friend dropping me off that e-tickets are so much easier loud enough for those in line to hear...

I proceed to use one of those fancy e-ticket machines. First one does not work. Second one does not work. They are all currently rebooting. I wait five minutes. The machines are still not working. After standing in line for ever, I finally get to the front and check in. It seems that my suitcase is 1 pound over the 50 pound limit. Seriously, dude, you are going to charge me $25 for 1 pound of stuff…I promptly remove my Costco size bottle of KY Jelly as well as other assorted toiletries and in an act of defiance I give it to the agent and loudly proclaimed “for you and your boyfriend.”

I think he put something about me in the system because when I asked at the gate if I could get bumped up to first class, I thought the agent would burst into tears.

Anyway, the flight was pretty uneventful…the highlights are as follows:

Flight Time: Flight to Minneapolis from Miami is supposed to be 3 hours and 35 minutes. Flight was delayed an hour and did not take off until 10:00 PM. Once we were up, I realized pilot was a wuss. He was afraid to go through some storms that were buffeting Minnesota so he made this huge roundabout through Iowa and the Dakotas. Total flight time including one hour delay (7 hours)

Reading Material: Skyscraper Dreams. Have been trying to read the book since April. Its a good book but only seem to be able to read a chapter a week. Switched to a really old copy of US Weekly someone left behind. It was all about Tom and Katie's wedding. Lots of celebrity pictures. Shocker article was how they did not invite Oprah...the nerve!

Service: it took the lady 344 seconds to find the whisky to go with my sprite. It was after midnight…where is my damn booze? Cost: four dollars

Personnel: we had two stewardesses. One took 11 minutes to respond to my buzzer and another 6 to find me a blanket. The other one looked like Gorbahev with tits. I was afraid to ask for another drink.

Grub: they no longer give you snacks on these flights. You could buy a bag of pretzels for $2 or a snickers bar for $3. I refuse to participate in their food monopoly and found nourishment in half a box of Nerds and 2 jolly ranchers.

Entertainment: CBS Eye on America (60 Minutes. David Letterman. Two and A Half Men and How I Met Your Mother). Seriously, I haven’t found one person that watches those shows.

Toilet: Not tested

Overall: 2 ½ stars out of 5

Manolo Makes A Pledge

I was away on vacation for the past ten days and I have been playing catch up with my life (bills, emails, probation officer, etc).

Anyway, one of the emails was from Evil discussing the top pages on the Hose in terms of page views. Not counting the generic pages, such as the home page and the archive pages, the five top posts had a common denominator (hopefully, not the lowest common denominator)...myself as its main protagonist.

I know I have said it before but I have decided that for better or for worse, I will try to post on an almost daily basis...Its the only way to contain Evil and his bag of crap...I just hope Bruno understand where I am coming from and doesn't attack me like he did last time...that was really harsh!

Improvements To The Hose!

Evil

Since I wasn't invited to Lobsterfest and had all weekend to tool around, I decided to improve The Hose. Xtian has previously suggested that it would be nice to have our posts tagged and then be able to view by post popular tags. So I went ahead and started that! On the right hand side bar, you'll see a new section called Labels, with links to the most popular tags thus far. It's not comprehensive yet, but we're working on it.

Xtian and I brainstormed some "standard tags" for things like recurring features and/or recurring themes. Here are some for starters:

Recurring Themes

• "Evil Feels Sorry For Himself"
• "Unheathy Relationship With Food"
• "Clueless About Women"
• "That's So Wrong"
• "You Have To Be Smart To Be So Stupid"
• "Those Were Better Days"
• "Feeling Like A Champ"
  

Recurring Features

• "Sometimes I Feel Like This Guy"
• "Outdated Movie Review"
• "Write Your Own Caption"

These are just some starters. I'm sure Xtian will add more of his own once he's back from Lobsterfest, all full of lobster and happiness. Manolo and Mamacita might add some too.

Enjoy!

PS - I broke the Haloscan comments feature. Need to wait til Xtian gets back on a computer so he can fix. It's only temporary!

Evil Hopes His Luck Improves

Evil

Friday morning. I was glad to be headed home. Not that the California weather wasn't great, but it always feels like to be headed home, right? 12:15pm flight. I was sitting at the terminal and at about 12:10pm, the woman gets on the speaker and says that we got pushed back to 2:15pm. Two hour delay! Argh. I pull out my laptop and wireless card and spend the next hour tooling around on IM. I spend the following hour drinking at the airport bar. 2:15pm comes and we're actually on our way. Going home! Wooo!

Somewhere over Michigan, the pilot comes on and says that we've been re-routed. Instead of flying in from the north (through Canadian airspace), we need to take a longer route... down to Virginia and then back up. This will add an hour an a half to our flight. Booo!

Once we actually get to the Virginia area, the pilot comes on again and says that JFK is closed due to some storms in the area. He also announces that the plane is out of fuel. Booo! So we make an emergency landing in Atlantic City. It takes about 45 minutes to re-fuel the plane and then we wait another hour or so for the storm to blow out of JFK.

All in all, I got home at 3am Saturday morning.

Got out of bed at 10am Satuday. Respectable, right? I was running some errands and while at the bank, I dropped my iPhone and completely broke the glass. Booo!


What now?

Evil Is Expecting Dinner!

Evil

What? Women are now earning more than men? I don't mind this at all. In fact, I think I like this. Open note to Mamacita, Evil Twin #1, Evil Twin #2, and any women who might be reading this... feel free to buy me dinner! And I know you're wondering, so I will answer the question... yes, you can take advantage of me if you pay for dinner.

thinking, thinking...

Evil

it wasnt until the thirty first year of my life that i noticed this. i was lying in bed, relatively early in the night, but late enough that it was dark. like the sun, the moon also sets. the moon was close to us the evening i noticed this. it was big and yellowish grey. it hung just above the rooftops of the manhattan high rise apartments. i only noticed the moon because it was so big that night and maybe because i was alone in bed. in a matter of minutes, it set. disappeared behind the rooftops as the sun does behind the horizon. it happened so fast, which i guess makes sense, since the sunset is also so fleeting.

bated breathe

It started over a week ago...I had just joined Facebook and did not know what to do so i just started looking around. Not knowing what to do I took the opportunity to "poke" several people.

One person poked back! I poked her back. She poked me back...after some of this she sent me a message

"Do I know you? Why are you poking me?" but in an engaged way.

and she was cute and she was interesting and well read and smart and pretty and from the south so when I read her messages I imagined reese witherspoon voice overs. It was great we would talk books and the world and life...loved it. Then she stopped writing. I was mad with anticipation. What would happen next? Did that last joke come off wrong? What do I do now?

After a few days I was having dinner with my old roommate. The book, The Omnivore's Dilemma came up...and i quickly shot her a message asking if she had read it...she had and quickly gave me a recap then admitted she had to run back to work (at 1152 pm?)

How do i get her to a bar?

Evil Turns Down A Date (He Thinks)

Evil

Cute Korean girl. Wanted to go out tonight. I said yes but then I canceled. Have to work. Not sure what she wanted. Maybe she just wanted to hang out. Confused. I dont even live in CA. I'm here like once a quarter or whatnot.

Evil's Feeling A Little Down Today

Evil

Tired. Got in to work at 6:30am today. Hit the wall by about 9am. Want to go home. In CA this week.

Upcoming...

roadtrip for xtian and the evil twins!
Guest staring Balls and Mrs. Balls and sister balls...

Evil Makes A Mid-Year Resolution

Evil

Need to be friends with more famous and influential people. So I can hang with Julia Allison and other beautiful people. Will be great times. And the second that happens, I am ditching the likes of Xtian and KenTak3 as friends. Who needs them? But I'll most likely keep Mr. Shoulders. By comparison, he makes me look good. I still need that.

New Favorite Blog/GF

http://blog.juliaallison.com/

Oldie But Goodie

Evil


I love this story!

Gay

What exactly did I sign up for?

Me

Evil

Feelin' Lobstery

EvilEvil has a couple of tips for those of you who are heading up to Lobsterfest...

1. Please do not eat Brad ("Mr. Balls") by mistake. Although he sports a lobstery-red complexion, he is indeed not a lobster.

2. "Crab boil"... good. "Crab boil in Xtian's pants"... bad. The first is an awesome seafood cookout. The second is literally crabs and boils in Xtian's pants.

xtian and evil pick up chicks

Two Fridays ago, you would have found me lying on my bed, working with a laptop squarely on my chest, as you do and I was quickly getting bored. I decided it was time to take Evil up on his offer and crash his office.

I dressed in a pair of jeans and a semi-sheer white button down shirt. The sort of shirt people get away with when they work out a lot, have a good tan and live in Miami…I am not quite any of those things but still I try in vain…

I arrive at the office and am seen into evil’s office. We spend about 30 minutes stalking around with Evil checking women out. I wonder what he actually does for a living at this point.

At some point we find our way back to his office, he’s sending an email. I am slumped on a chair close by. I find his office mate attractive…she’s tall, dark and very smart…those three variables all work for me…I try to kick it to here, ignoring the fact that she is clearly trying to work

“what’s up?”
“huh?”
the conversation is awkward and stilted till we drift onto Mormons…and her story that Mormons cannot consume caffeine except in the form of some company in whose stock they may own…like if you own coke stock and you’re a Mormon you can drink coke because then you are simply supporting your own financial well being or something. I thought this whole line of thinking dumb and she continued to press it as being so later explaining that she grew up with many Mormons in Oakland, Ca! ?!!? Is she drinking? Oakland and Mormons where? I know Oakland and claim my allegiance to the region.

Evil tries to save this awkward situation by pressing for a flip cup tournament…no one wants in…he then presses for a situation where we all get drinks…she claims she has too much work to do…in the end its just Evil on the elevator by ourselves wondering what to do…I’ll leave out the part where I noticed her escaping out a side entrance… minutes after we said our goodbyes

Later, we are The Other Room I spy a waitress with way too much confidence. Evil and I are hunched over at the bar wondering what to do. She is just off shift and sitting there staring at her depressed dog who has not moved in an hour. I start speaking to her calmly. We discuss the band playing on the ipod (The National...the song about astronauts...) at some length. Some hipster at the other end of the bar tries to include himself in the conversation and talking about his affinity for the band...no one cares

Our conversation has an ok pace. I'm enjoying it. I come to a logical point where I inquire what she has planned for the evening not sure what I would get out of this information. She admitted she was torn...either go to a party she was not interested in or painting her apartment a project she has been attempting to start for 4 months. As she speaks its still unclear to me what to say next, I'm hoping something brilliant will come out. but it does not seem likely.

Finally she commits to going home and painting but does not move...either then or for the next twenty minutes...she and her depressed dog maybe have a lot in common. As we leave I say something silly that makes her smile but not that much.

On the street heading towards a destiny that includes 18lbs of BBQ meats, Evil rightly points out that the depressed bartender would rather watch paint dry than hang out with me.

Am I Secretly A Surgeon?

Evil

I can't figure it out. Both my hands have been smelling like latex all day. Why?

NBC, ABC, CBS, The Hose

Evil
Check out The Hose's traffic for the last 13 months. We're getting big time! (Although I wish we could get Page Rank 4, like here.to.here. They must be really big time.)

Who's Tough

Yesterday morning, on Day 1 en route to the new gig, someone we will not identify slipped completely on their back in the rain trying to step over a massive puddle by the curb. It was a choice of either getting splashed by a passing car or hurdling the puddle.

This is a current picture of the injured elbow healing from a painful fall in the middle of the street... All bleeding through my white shirt yesterday, but I left it like that all day that so everyone could see who's tough and not not to mess with. Now, it's very swollen and purple with slight yellow undertones.

Today, the abovementioned person went back to the curb for a rematch but the puddle was gone.

(Picture is not to scale and has been minimized a bit for the audience due to it's graphic nature.)

Manolo Thinks He Offended Someone

I have been working with a buyer who is interested in buying a sizable chunk of my project. The lawyers have to fix some minor line items in the contract but the deal has been agreed upon on principle. The developer wanted to meet this buyer so he invited the buyer, his Realtor and me to his house for cocktails.

I have been in this house and it’s the house I want when I finally have some money. This house was designed, built and decorated by the developer himself. It has an open floor plan. The whole first floor is open with no dividing walls so you can see everything and everybody whether you are the kitchen, or the dining room or the living room. You have huge windows all around so you can see the backyard or the people jogging by. Anyway, we are engaging in small talk when this super cute 6-7 year old girl with long flowing black hair wearing a light pink swimming trunk with lots of flowers and a dark pink shirt comes running in. She shyly waves hello to everybody when she is introduced as Andy and immediately starts to play with two Labradors that were lying by the pool.

After 5-10 minutes the little girl gets tired of playing with the dogs and sits next to me. I have always been great with kids so I kind of engage in small talk but no reaction. This is expected because she doesn’t know me and probably has been properly taught not to talk to strangers. She just looks down at her feet and after a minute or two, she leaves again. As she opens the door, the dogs sneak into the house and run towards me. They already know me from my previous visits so they just jump on me hoping that I will play with them…I borrow a tennis ball little Andy has and throw it a couple of times. The kid and I start then start playing catch having the dogs go back and forth between us.

It seemed as if the dogs had vouched for me because all of a sudden the little girl started talking to me. She told me how she went fishing and caught a lobster with her hands and how she swam with the dolphins that morning and how…….All of a sudden, I became her best friend…

It also seems our host has his door always open because other kids and adults are coming in, saying hello, hanging out for 3-5 minutes or giving each other the heads up as to the next event and walking right out…At one point, we transition to the kitchen where our host is going crazy on his Viking stove while we are munching on cheese and olives and engaging in chit chat. Everyone is exchanging recipes and I let everyone what a mean piña colada I can make, or succulent roast pork or how I make the best mango salsa ever…

As this is going on, I hear the front door open and someone else walks into the kitchen and says: “My kid loves mango salsa…You MUST give me the recipe”

I am always very protective of my recipes so I jokingly answer to the group in a very serious tone…”No, I will not give you my recipe…I don’t give my recipes to just ANYONE…I guess I could tell you but then I would have to kill you.”

No one laughs at my joke. Maybe it wasn’t funny but they could have given me a pity laugh or something. I turn around and I am looking at the Godfather III himself. I am a huge Godfather fan and have seen the movies a gazillion times (even Godfather III which is not even on the same scale as the first two…freaking whiny Sofia Coppola messed up the movie…)

Anyway, I digress….I am looking at none other than Vincent Mancini…It is freaking Andy Garcia in matching pink shorts with one of those old Cuban straw hats and Harry Potter glasses…

He just looks at me funny and walks away without even giving me a chance to say I was joking. He goes on to sit in the dining room by himself. Our host then proceeds to tell us how he has been friends with Andy since 1972 and how they play the drums together and how they try to keep up with Arturo Sandoval to no avail…He is obviously proud of his friendship with Andy and talks of their days back in high school…

The little girl comes in yelling "daddy" and sits on Mr. Garcia’s lap. I am glad I spent those 10-15 minutes talking to the kid because the kid will now smooth any ruffle feathers between me and Mr. Garcia…They just need some quiet time….father and daughter…father will ask the daughter what she has been up to and she will say she was playing catch with me and the dogs and how much fun she had…I need this conversation to happen so the guy doesn’t think I am a total douche bag.

This conversation is interrupted by the ringing of my cell phone which is on the dining room table where Mr. Garcia is sitting with his daughter. Again, huge Godfather fan so if you haven’t heard my ring tone before, you can guess what it is. It is the actual Godfather theme music…As I am walking towards the table, Mr. Garcia grabs the phone and hands it to me while giving me a very quizzical look.

The rest of the night progressed with Mr. Garcia and I keeping our distance even though we were less than 3 feet from each other. After a few more drinks and more chit chat, it was time to say our goodbyes. Mr. Garcia was being polite when he gave me his hand. I knew it and he knew it but that was okay because the lovely little girl Andy came out of whatever corner she was hiding out to become my savior. She comes to tell me how one of the dogs licked her in the face and that she will show me pictures of her lobster and…I see a smile forms in the proud father’s face…

I start to apologize about the mango salsa and proceed to tell him that if I knew that the mango salsa was for his kid, I would have given to him in a heartbeat because of such a lovely kid. I tell him how she and I became best friends and how she told me how she caught a lobster and how she swam with the dolphins and…

His smile is gone…his eyes narrow…his jaw clenches…his lips move…

“SHE IS A HE…HE IS A BOY….”

Evil Surfs The Web

Evil

From this page:


"... you are going to come up against a female who simply will not stand for a male. This is a frustrating situation if you know the bitch is ready to breed. Some bitches are just spoiled and will not tolerate a male..."

holy crap, who wrote that? it's so angry. mr shoulders?!

Unemployed - Last Day

I've received a few offline requests looking for an update on how unemployment is going. Sadly, today is the last day I can officially report on this topic.
Booo....!

In summary: it's hasn't been all that.
Double boooo...!

I've tried to wake up each morning at 6:30 AM along with others-in-the-household-en-route-to the-office, but end up joining Bruno on the couch for morning naptime shortly thereafter. Yawn! There have been a few visits by the FedEx man delivering online goods, including a fancy recycling can for the apartment, wine and spirits of sorts, and some eyeshadow from eBay. There have been consistent cocktails in the early afternoons, and I've stumbled among several nannies with strollers around Park Slope while logging a few miles each day. I have developed a new affection for Beef Jerky and have read thirteen books.

However, there has been no one to talk to by the water cooler and minimal Internet surfing. I've nearly forgotten how to type!

So, for all the people who complain about our jobs and yearn for some time off... don't be fooled! I'm looking forward rejoining our capitalist structure on Monday in pursuit of the American Dream again. Weee!

Sometimes I Feel Like This Dog

Ask Yakov (The Series)

Evil

Question 1. As an adult, have you ever peed or crapped on your bed?

Question 2: What is your position on "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"?

Question 3: Why are your eyes so dreamy?

The National - Mistaken For Strangers

my new favorite band

Things I'll miss (Part 1)

I woke up. It was winter so it was still sort of cold. Especially my room which for some reason fails to heat to the same degree of other rooms. I traipsed downstairs in my underwear. I have a new female roommate but don't care. I like my underwear besides its quite presentable.

In the living room, I see something of a mess with my roommate asleep at its nexus. I am staring at her bare legs trying to make sense of the situation. There is a peanut butter jar on the ottoman and a peanut butter laden spoon on the floor nearby...what's passing for her top has quite a lot of peanut butter on it...as does the upper area near her boobs...No set of thoughts will help this make sense. I have no chance...

I clean up a bit and decide to sit down and watch some TV. She wakes up for a moment and wishes me a good morning. I reciprocate. Then I ask a question that has been on my mind for 20 minutes.
"Did you hook up with the peanut butter last night?"
She's inspecting herself mildly grossed out but still very groggy and potentially hung over.
"I think so. that peanut butter sure is a smooth talker"
I let her roll over and fall back asleep.

We don't talk about this again...until

I am a bit late for work, rush downstairs and discover a similar scene. Rather than do anything about it, I send her a quick text
"you and that peanut butter are bad for each other. this relationship won't end well"
Her reply (later that day)
"i'm such a peanut butter tramp!"

Blind Item

Which contributor of the Hose (and mother of the Hose' mascot) has been having secret rendevous with which francophile member of xtian's posse?

If said francophile thinks he can claim my spot on the Hose' writing staff...then, Jim you've got another thing coming....

Bruno Style...

Team - I have to come clean. I have not gotten my nob rubbed in a quarter and its bad news. At some point in the next few weeks, there will be no difference between hanging out with me or bruno. I will also start peeing on a white sheet and humping everything i see. If my tongue were long enough i would probably be licking my pooper toon...

In my mania to resolve this imbalance. I have been shooting vibes at women everywhere I go. Last week, Mr. Shoulders witnessed this first hand. It was so bad Mr. Shoulders was taking pity on my game.

Early one evening enroute to the gym, a dirty footed woman lost control of her dog and I retrieved him for her. Now, mere hours later she was standing in line at a deli in between Mr. Shoulders and I. I had sort of forgotten what she looked like so at most I was staring at this mildly attractive girl waiting to order. When we had placed our orders and were seated I listened to Mr. Shoulders blabber endless about his schedule and yet another trip to vegas (Season Three of Cathouse on HBO should be subtitled "The last good days of Mr. Shoulders") I continued to stare a girl that was attractive...but overly tanned. Her feet were horrible. I could not look away. I like looking at terrible feet. I have a problem.

I was talking to Mr. Shoulders about something but as I stared at her toes I dropped him and went right to her....
me (to him):yes we should plan something for next week...
Me(to her):hey didn't I help you with your dog like two hours ago
her: that was you?
Me: yes
Her: oh thanks
Me: we should hang out...

awkwardness prevailed...she stared at her toes, why I dunno....i thought we had already covered they were gross. Maybe she was trying to figure out what to do about it. Again, I dunno...

her sandwhich came she ran out...

Mr Shoulders said nothing but would not meet my gaze...

Scenes from a Bad Date

Her: I like to read
Me: Do you?! Me too...what's the last book you read?
Her: A book on Fixed Income
Me: Oh...great....what about before that
her: A book on Structured finance. it was very helpful
Me: I see what about for fun?
Her: I don't have much fun.
Me: Right now I understand you exactly...

I miss you, PBT!

i miss my Peanut Butter Tramp (PBT)...there I said it. I may even say it again because its true.

She earned the name because on more than one occasion I woke up went to the living room and discovered her asleep, in some manner of undress with peanut butter on her in a non trivial way. When challenged she would admit a fascination wiht peanut butter. I was always saddened that I was never there to see her in action. hmmm

I'll miss her for the time she showed up at 3 in the morning and the dude that followed her in sat down and watched an episode of scrubs with me

I'll miss her for the time some crazy drunk chick tried to follow her home and that was worth a laugh for like a week

I'll miss her for the hottie friends that would randomly be hanging out when I showed up.

that's a lot of missing...i'll miss you PBT! Come BACK!

Unemployed - Day 4

Well, I don't really have anything interesting to say today, so I'm going to post a few Pictures of the Day, circa last weekend at the beach.

Unemployed - Day 3

Today I am in hiding.

Why, you ask? Well, yesterday I posted a bunch of furniture for sale on Craig's list and now my phone will not stop ringing. For someone who doesn't really like to yap yap yap on the phone all that much, this is bothersome. And Craig's list is strange - people call right away and ask is the item is still available?, can I pick it up tomorrow afternoon?, I need to borrow a car from my brother on Saturday, etc.

But time passes... people don't show up, or call again, and never come to get the item. This has been independently confirmed by the neighbors downstairs - the same thing happened to them. It's a mystery.

It's only 8:46 and I have already gotten 4 calls for today, plus about 20 from yesterday. KenTak3 has advised that I should respond to the calls in the order that they were received, so I organized a spreadsheet with name, phone number, time of call or email, item, and yay/nay of interest. This is stretching the capabilities of my home computer.

If anyone plans on calling me shortly, I would advise against it otherwise I will confuse you with prospective buyers, and you might end up mixed in the spreadsheet. Please just come over yourself with a pick-up truck and end this madness.

Manolo Wants To Play

Where do I sign up? This video reminds me of my T.A.T.U. phase. Don't know what they are singing about but love the video...

Unemployed - Day 2

Today I am waiting for a UPS package. Anyone who lives in a non-doorman building and shops excessively off of the internet should know about this. Getting packages delivered to your apartment via UPS is a pain unless someone is home to sign for them.

If you are not home, they leave a stupid yellow post-it on your door, and you helplessly wait for another one to show up again tomorrow. Eventually, you have to trek into the depths of Bushwick, Brooklyn on some shady road with warehouses and dead people lying around, where the UPS headquarters is to pick it up. Any you can’t send someone else - it has to be YOU. In Manhattan, I think the UPS building is off of Houston street by the Holland Tunnel.

Anyway, I am waiting patiently but plan to furtively sneak out of the apartment at opportune times to get sunlight and run other errands.

Unemployed - Day 1

I'm now officially in-between jobs, which means that I get to spend the next 2 weeks in complete freedom, embracing recklessness, and without responsibility to anyone. I thought I would check in from time to time with some daily accomplishments.

Today I have done some laundry and am now having a grapefruit vodka cocktail. The vodka was purchased in Duty Free at the Cancun airport two weeks ago. It was only $12.99 USD, but it's great!! I might go for a run later, although it's 100 degrees outside and there is a really good article in TimeOut magazine outlining the fact that running in poor weather conditions and smog actually has negative effects on your body. What a pain! Going through all that trouble for reverse exercise! By the way, if you've clicked on the link above you'll notice there is an advert for Restaurant Week coming up shortly. If people tell me their preferences, I'll make some reservations. But it's NOT in honor of X-Tian's birthday because he gets all fussy boots about that!

Bruno has been sleeping all day, and has recently moved from the couch to a pile of warm laundry on the floor. What a life he has!

I hope these next two weeks do not fly by too quickly.

Alone and Abandoned

A long running theme of this blog is how KenTak 3 thinks and acts like he doesn't need me anymore, like he's better than me because he's all happy and domestic with his woman and his tiny dog (the main advantage of his tiny dog being that it from a proportional perspective he looks way bigger than he is, hands and otherwise)

Anyway, I'd like to point out that recently KenTak had been altering his behaviour. I must have seen him socially 6-7 times this past spring/early summer...but that is all changed. Who exactly does he think he is? He's been going out of town without me a lot lately and I'm not liking it...

KenTak...where is the love

Followup to Good Karma...

Evil

(Follow-up to "Good Karma. Oh Crap, Now What?")

the convenient thing about meeting someone while waiting to buy an iphone is that you have a built-in excuse to call each other. talking to her on the phone feels different from talking to her in person. not worse, just different. her voice didnt sound quite the same or maybe it's that i had already created a character of her in my mind and that character's voice was slightly different... more bright and bubbly than that of the real person.

we're both upper west siders but she didnt feel like staying in the neighborhood. "i'll swing by your apartment at 8 and we'll cab it down to meatpacking for a drink and then take it from there."

at 7:45, i get a text message that says she's running late. more like 8:20, not 8, sorry.

at 8:20, i get another text message. more like 8:45. really sorry.

at 8:45, she calls me and says she's downstairs. i head down. she's sitting on the bench in the building lobby. her hair is still damp. she must have just showered. she's rail thin. she looks great in a black summer dress with a little flower pattern. i immediately feel under-dressed because i'm wearing a janis joplin t-shirt and jeans.

Response to "Stale Crackers"

Evil
(In response to "Stale Crackers")

if i were the typical immature, insensitive male friend, i would response to xtian's post with something along the lines of: "whoa, what's up with that post, xtian? is it that time of the month? are you depressed because you feel like your fallopian tubes are shriveling up?"

but i am indeed not that type of person, so here's what i really have to say in response to xtian's "stale crackers" post...

dude, it was only two years ago that you almost witnessed orgy's death by weed. that means two short years from now, your life might be totally different. you know... marry a white girl (because you are self-hating), making major bank even though you dont need to because your new wife will have a crapload of family money. and who knows, you might even have a "little big head" in the oven. as in a bun in the oven, not that you would put a kid in a real oven.

put yourself together, xtian. at least you're not mister shoulders!

btw- anyone who's interested, meet xtian and me at this rooftop happy hour on july 17th. watch me demonstrate my techniques in being a horrible wing man.

Stale Crackers

Two weeks ago the crack pack had a big reunion. I am reasonably sure this is the first time we have had a quarum since the last time someone stole a large potted plant from the steps at columbia university. Everyone was there except for Miguel, who apparently hates everyone. But that's fine because we all still love Miguel

We were there for Taylor's wedding. I am happy for him because I think he might have married the prettiest girl ever. I mean like seriously. I was floored. Apparently I went to University with her and she claims she remembers me but I was apparently too busy messing with weed and hitting on indian chicks.

We managed to regress and act like the lovable chumps we were at University. There were a series of bets about and around the wedding which I might have won. Questions ranged from "how many brides maids will there be?" to "is taylor's little sister actually not now that she's 19 instead of 12?". At the end of the night in a drunken stupor we did actually debate what a SHOCKER was, with shouting, and hand gestures and rhymes and ending with us being asked to excuse ourselves from a bar.

But things are different. Things are wierd now. Sparkes for example has a baby. What the hell? I'm too young to be a cool uncle. In lieu of naming me godfather the heathen has named me Uncle in charge of Pop Culture and Cool Music. I feel that affords me a certain cache but like most things I am not going all the way on this front. If I did, i would be doing A&R at a record label. I could have a lot of tattooes and one cool leather jacket...

Others are getting married, others are married. Dr. Orgy, bless his heart is married with a mortgage and a private practice. When did that happen? Wasn't it just two short years ago that Orgy and I went thru this!

Wow...i feel like something dramatic needs to happen but I'm not sure what.

Later, I came home and the Last Kiss starring Zach Braff and Summer Roberts was in my mailbox from netflix. I watched it and wondered if I was a chubbier version of the slacker/bartender/waster...

Can You Make My Eyes Slantier?

Evil

i think i need a little pick-me-up. going to get some plastic surgery from this place:

http://www.asiansurgery.com/

" Dr. Edmund K. Kwan, a New York-based Korean American plastic surgeon is targeting Asian American patients who want to preserve their ethnic heritage while seeking plastic surgery."

Manolo Wishes Himself A Happy Anniversary!!!

Here at the Hose we do not just celebrate America's b-day. We celebrate Manolo's addition to the greatest country on earth...

You see, it was 18 years ago today that Manolo came to this country...July 4, 1989. I remember it like it was yesterday...I was 12 years old with a baseball glove in one hand and a piece of tried and true American apple pie on the other (I had flown first class and I had not eaten my dessert).

I won't admit that I was stupid enough to believe that the Macy's fireworks going on that night were for me but it did feel nice. I guess the only drawback was my stay at Ellis Island while my TB cleared up...

Anyway, I am not familiar with immigration law but I think being 18 makes me legal. I think that means no one can call INS on me anymore. I believe that the rules state that America has to make me an honorary citizen. As long as I don't get drafted, we are cool...

Happy Anniversary Manolo!!! You are the best!!! America Loves You!!!

Write your own caption!

Happy Birthday, America!

Evil

happy birthday to the greatest country on earth (current foreign policy notwithstanding). america, you dont look a day over 225. even though we know you're really 231. you're letting yourself go a bit in the midsection (shape up, you fatties in chicago!), but we still love you. luckily, you're in such good health for your age, because you have no healthcare. but whatever, botox and boob lifts arent covered by insurance.

and to our loyal following on the hose, some words of advice as you celebrate america's birthday (because i care about you and want you to have a fun but safe holiday)...

xtian: no really means no.

the bumpasaurus: you shouldnt try to clench that roman candle in your butt cheeks, no matter how good you are at it.

manolo: there's a difference between a bottle rocket and a pocket rocket. try not to mix them up (like last year).

kentak3: yes, you can take today off from work, even though you're japanese (and a robot).

mamacita: see you at the BBQ... dont pretend like you dont know me! makes me sad. :(

evil twin #1: if you're going down to the esplanade, might as well pick some pockets.

evil twin #2 (TFME): will you post some more on your blog already?!

bruno: stay away from the bbq grill at all costs!!!

Flight of the Conchords: ''Most Beautiful Girl in the Room''

YOU COULD BE A PAAART TIME MODEL!

Oldie But Goodie

Evil

Golfer Cristie Kerr won the U.S. Women's open today, defeating Lorena Ochoa. Every time I read about Cristie Kerr in the news, I always think of this classic photo:



This might be the 3rd or 4th time I'm posting this pic on The Hose. But I SERIOUSLY cannot get enough of this photo. It makes me laugh every single time!!!