Outdated American Idol Review, by The Fifth Judge

The show opens... the judges are introduced by a bodyless voice this year. Why are the judges so great that they need such a grand introduction? Whoa! How come the bodyless voice didn't introduce me? I'm the FIFTH JUDGE. Douche bags. I am getting no respect. I need to have a word with Simon Fuller first thing tomorrow morning.

The bodyless voice introduces Ryan Seacrest. Eeek! What's with the tie clip, Ryan? Hey, tell the wardrobe staff to get your monacle and top hat ready for next week's espisode. If you're gonna do this, go all the way.

Now let's watch the video intro of this week's guest vocal coach... err... is that Edvard Munch's "The Scream"? No, it can't be. Is that a horse? Nono. Holy smokes, that's Randy Travis! He is looking terrible these days. Poor guy.

First performer up, Michael "The Rough Neck" Sarver. OMG, he is mumbling his way through this entire song. Halfway though and I'm already bored, so I'm typing away as he's finishing the song. Surely, the producers put him first to be the warmup act / sacrificial lamb. My first four fellow judges are totally giving this dude a free pass because he's a "nice guy." F-them! Thankfully, Simon is telling it like it is and calling out this dude's miserable diction.

Next up, let's see what you've got, Allison "The Redheaded Rocker Chick." Whoa, I like what the waredrobe staff did with your hair and makeup. Really sexed you up a bit, didn't they. And you're only 16? NICE! I'm not listening to her sing. It generally sounds good, but I am focused on her lips. Randy "The Dawg" Jackson just said that she's DOPE.

Kris "The Generic Young White Guy," I gotta tell you, I don't like you. If it weren't for your good looks, you'd be nowhere, you talentless runt. Oh geez, you chose a slow, dramatic song... is this some sort of "I'm a real artist" kind of statement? Haaaaaaateit! Stick with the uptempo teeny bopper songs! You're on the chopping block this week, buddy.

Lil "No Nickname Needed" Rounds... show us whatcha got! She's dressed like she's going to the 8th grade prom in 1986. Goodness. Randy Travis just sabotaged the R&B girl's chances by telling her to sing it slow. This is on top of the producers hitting her with "Country Week" in just the second week. Zzzzzz. Someone wake me when she's done. Borrrrr-ring!

Simon is keepin' it real again but holy smokes! "Little" Rounds is giving him the icy stare. Brrrr. Watch your back, Simon. You might shiv'd in the ribs in the parking lot.

Hah! Adam "Theatre Queen" Lambert just freaked out Randy Travis. Awesome! Truth be told, this guy freaks me out too, but I am enjoying his performance. Kara is flustered and is being incoherent. Kara, stop playing Paula's role! Kara, your role is "smart, cougar," don't forget it.

Being that this is Country Week, it would have been killer to invite Sebastian Bach, winner of "Going Country, Season 2." I'd love to see Sebastian Bach and Adam Lambert battle it out in some sort of shrieking competition.

Ugh, Scott "The Blind Guy" is up next. I have to endure whatever he's going to sing. This guy is totally getting a free pass just because he's blind. His blank stare? Creeeee-py. His voice? Bland! Paula makes a really good point for once... she calls out that his performances are the same from week to week. Spot on, Paula!!! (Did Paula just say that "he's a brilliant penis"?!)

Hey, Alexis "Hot Mom with Pink Hair" Grace DOES look like Dolly Parton! Good teaser by Ryan Seacrest. Alexis is divorced right? I would do her. "Jolene" is an awesome song. Nice performance by Alexis. Me like, me like! (Randy pans her performance, Kara says it was flat, Paula is babbling but it isn't positive, Simon thought it was sound-alike. F-them! My fellow judges are morons.)

Up next is Danny Gokey Downey Jr. This guy is one of my favorites this year. He can sing anything. He is to singing what Robert Downey Jr. is to acting. Pure talent.

By the way, Paula is showing a whole lotta boob this week. Normally a good thing. But man, her boobs are sitting on the table. *shivers*

Anoop Dawg Desai! I like this guy. But why does Anoop always dress like he just got out MechE class and is rushing off to Chem Lab? I also like how the producers make it a point to show his old Indian parents on camera. They look so mortified that their son is making such a public spectacle of himself. I don't think anyone roots harder against Anoop than his own parents. They're holding their breaths til this kid gets kicked off the show. And they just might get that this week! Anoop bombed last week. And let's be honest... Indian + Southern? The last Indian + Southern combination we saw on TV was Bobby Jindal and we all know how that turned out.

WHOA, Anoop Dawg rocked the house! Nice. Very nice. You're sticking around for another week, kid. The Fifth Judge says so.

This is the most talented season of Idol ever.

Can a chick be hotter than Megan Joy "The Tattoo Sleeve Girl"? Smokin'. I don't care for the song choice, but I love looking at her and listening to her. She has a unique timbre in her voice. I would totally buy her album.

And closing out the night... "Bluesy" Matt Giraud. WTF with this song choice? This dude has great talent but he bombed this performance. Ick. Let's hope America votes for him anyway. Haha, Paula can't manage to say the word "athent...", "authenticnes...", "authenticity." Thank goodness, she finally got it.

That's all for this week, folks! The Fifth Judge thanks you for reading this column. I tried to pattern my writing style after that of Xtian's, i.e., make it unbearably long and uninteresting.