The Hose Idol Bracket is a Go

Click here to see everyone's selections.

I'll update after the results show tomorrow!

American Idol Rewind

90 Minute episodes! 90 minutes!!!! It’s like when the first leaves start turning brown in the fall. So sad. Let’s hope the judges behave themselves and the contestants sing like they give a crap.

Sweet!!! – a wide open song catalog. This should separate the cream (Kris) from the lumpy stuff that sinks (Blind Guy).

So, let's get to the performances after the jump....

More...
Anoop - Frat Anoooooop is back (I wrote that comment before Kara said it). He is soooo good at remembering lyrics!!! Also, he’s wearing a random Michael Jackson chain over his shoulder. And his collar is up, like his 15 minutes.

Megan – Why does her singling voice sound so different from her talking voice? And why are her choices (song, artist, arrangement) so terrible? And why didn't she grow up in Fort Wayne Indiana? And graduate high school in 1994. And have a thing for responsible looking normal guys that drove a Honda Accord and played on the golf team? Why!!!!!

Danny – This is the first time I can remember a fiddle (violin to you yuppies) as an accompaniment on Idol. Personally I think everyone should do it – the most expressive instrument by far. So, is Danny playing the widow card with his song choices? Would you? I’m just sayin.

Allison – She looks like Joan Jett and a Triceratops made a baby. A baby with some serious pipes! I really like this girl, but I’m afraid America won’t, because she looks like the daughter parents aren’t proud to have (sorry Joan Jett) and the peer kids don’t want to be seen eating lunch with.

Scott – Someone find me a tip jar! I’ve got a quarter for this guy. Looks like the stylists finally got their hands on him, but then took a long smoke break and never came back to finish the job. One of his best performances to be sure – but clearly this guy doesn’t have the chops to make it all the way.

Matt – Is it fair that he gets to perform in the crowd? If not, he didn’t take advantage of it. That really blew. That blew so hard. Also, I’ve never heard that song – which makes me feel out of touch – and I’m not going to vote for someone that makes me feel old.

Lil – Well, it was a big song. Celine Dion isn’t small potatoes. But Lil still isn’t blowing me away. She should have sang the phone book after all. And unlike other contestants, I don’t find myself wanting to like her. Sorry.

Adam – I’ve always hated this song. Every frat party I went to between 1998-2002 played this song, and while I liked those parties, I hated this song. This guy just mailed it in this week in my opinion. Also, did Paula rehearse her comments? She must have. I think she wakes up every Tuesday morning and her first task is to prepare her adoring Adam comments.

Kris – He definitely is winning the battle of the white piano playing guys. KillerB2 doesn’t agree with me on this – but I think Kris is in it to win it. Whether or not he will is another matter – but don’t count this guy out.

The Hose Idol Bracket

As we have been discussing, we are starting a American Idol Game on the Hose. For those of you watching American Idol this will be a great way to demonstrate you know more than KillerB #1.

Participating should be straight forward. Just tell in what order you think the remaining contestants will be going home:

• Adam "Theatre Queen" Lambert
• Allison "Red Headed 16 Year Old" Iraheta
• Anoop "Doggy Dog" Desai
• Danny "Downy Jr." Gokey
• Kris "Chris" Allen
• Lil "No Nickname Needed" Rounds
• Matt "Pianoman" Giraud
• Megan "Tattoo Sleeve" Joy
• Scott "The Blind Guy" MacIntyre

More...
Scoring
Rank each of the remaining nine contestants in the order you think they will depart from the show, 1-9 (e.g., if you think Danny is going home next week and Lil Rounds will win, you will rank them 1 and 9, respectively).
The winner is the person with the least points!

You will be assessed points for each contestant based on the formula:
2 ^│Guess - Actual│ - Note that the exponent is an absolute value.

For example, if you thought Megan was going home 2nd but she actually made it to 5th, you will get 2 to the power of│2-5│ = 2 to the power of 3 = 8 points.

Please return your picks no later than 7pm, Tuesday
March 31st to thehose@gmail.com along with an appropriate handle for us to refer to you as.

I'll post and maintain the results in a publicly viewable googledocs spreedsheet online.

Under the Gun

I know most of you think Nicholas Kirstof is a bore. I agree but I am also starting to feel for him. I mean his last two facebook status messages alone tell us a lot about his current state of mind.



Sure, there is some new competition but dude, chillax! It will be alright.

Look at Tom Friedman, he doesn't care. He just makes sh*t up. Here is one example of what I mean. This article looks like something he thought up while looking for naked pictures of Meredith Baxter Birney on google.

His books are no better. They are the epitome of lazy writing. "I'm sorry, you say I owe you three more chapters on my book before you publish it. That's fine, I'll just mix the order of several paragraphs from the first three chapters and send something to you tonight. Ok, I'm off to swim in my vault full of money"

Hey Friedman - F you!

Manolo Pitches A New TV Show

Hey people,

I AM BACK!!!! Not really...You see, I am no longer failing in life or online so I don't need The Hose for validation...I have a life unlike some people (I am looking at you Evil)....

Nevertheless, I came across the following video of Ricky Gervais and Elmo on Sesame Street and I could not in good conscience not share it with my dimwitted Hosers and their 3-4 readers...



Can you imagine a show with these two? I don't know who was funnier...Are there any TV network executives paying attention? I would so watch this show in a heartbeat...

"Where did you lose this interview? Where? Where?" Hahaha...Brilliant on Elmo's part....

"Do you know what necrophilia is?" GENIUS!!!!

The Miseducation Of Evil

Evil

I learned four new words today:

• How to say "Google." It's 谷歌. Literal translation: "Valley Song."

• "Yahoo" is 雅虎. Literal translation is: "Elegant Tiger."

• "Blowjob" is 口交. Not sure what the literal translation is because the second word can mean like nine different things. My best guess is that it's supposed to mean "mouth friendship." (Editor's note: After some further investigation, it appears that the best translation is actually: "oral intercourse.")
  

• "Handjob" is 打飞机. The literal translation is "to hit an airplane." Although that makes no sense at all. I've been doing some Internet research and it appears that "eggbeater" might also be a translation although I am not 100% sure.
  

Kudos To The NYT

Evil
If you want to say that someone is a total douche, but can't say it outright because you're a newspaper and supposed to be impartial, what do you do? The NYT made a genius move by posting a pic of Glenn Beck making "air quotes." One look at this pic and the first reaction is, "What a douche!"

Canine Trivia

Evil

I had always assumed that Bruno has the largest ears of any canine. But I learned something new while watching the Discovery Channel today. The largest ears of any canine belongs to the Fennec Fox.

Looky Likey

Evil

Sean Penn (left) and Tim Geithner (right)

Is This Gay?

Evil

Errr... I just bought two Adam Lambert singles from iTunes. (Black or White and Tracks of My Tears.) Is that gay?

Hoser Appreciation Day

Evil

This graph is from Haloscan, our comments technology provider, showing Hose comments activity over the past 13 months. As you can see, we are at an all time high. A big shoutout to all Hosers (except Manolo) for making The Hose what it is today.

Now what we have a canine contributing editor, we can grow the reader base beyond humans. In a few months, perhaps we can recruit a feline contributing editor as well. Then we'll be unstoppable.

Breaking It Down: Tuxedos

For our inaugural edition of "Breaking It Down", xTian, L3 and Sparks discuss proper Tuxedo etiquette.

xTian went looking for guidance prior to a big hoity toity event and ended up with conflicting advice and more than he could handle. A full on "posh b*st*rd" debate broke out between L3 and Sparks.

Watch how L3 casually dismisses everyone at the end either exhausted by the conversation or running late to a Thursday gray out.
More...
From: xTian
To: Le Troisieme, Sparks
Subject: Tuxedo Guidance

Fashionistas unite!

So you are going to the first annual [redacted ]Winter Gala - New York. The invitation lists attire as "Black Tie Optional"

What is the right scenario here? Should I

(1) Wear the full tux and tux fixins (vest and bow tie)
(2) Wear the full tux with bow tie, no vest or anything like that
(3) Wear the full tux with a straight tie

Also, if we go "mellow" formal (options 2 or 3) can I go with a straight white shirt or should I still wear my tuxedo shirt?

Thanks

xTian


From: Le Troisieme
To: xTian
Cc: Sparkes
Subject: Re: Tuxedo Guidance

The only right answer is (1). Organizers of these events wish they could say black tie required, but it would hurt turnout. Go full black tie.

From: Sparks
To: xTian
Cc: Le Triosieme
Subject: Re: Tuxedo Guidance

L3 and I have different takes on this. I agree that the organizers want you to look your best, but I believe you have a bit of leeway on how to pull that off. I think the following things almost always look goofy/wedding-rentaly/prom-esque: vests, cumberbunds, wing collars (i.e., collars where you can see the tie in the back), pleating or other similar distraction on the shirt. I think the following things are really awesome: studs, patent leather shoes, black bow ties (tied yourself, of course), structured shirts (i.e., super stiff with perhaps a barely noticeable detail; not pleats). As for the suit itself, I have a black suit which looks nicer and more formal than my tuxedo (or indeed, any tuxedo I have ever tried on) and can be worn with tuxedo accoutrement.

If it were me, I'd be in my black, awesome-fitting suit, closed-collar tuxedo shirt with studs, black bow tie, patent leather shoes. I would look as good and as formal as a Moby-looking dude can look. It's about looking your best, not about the silk ribbon running down the leg.

For inspiration:



Note that he skips the studs. I agree that the studs are a weak-link in my otherwise modern take on the tuxedo. I think I like that part just because I have a set of 1920's studs and cuffs that I just like to wear.

Here's a photo of my black suit (worn here as a suit, not as a tux):

[redacted]

Has L3 thrown up in his garbage can yet? Are we still friends?

From: xTian
To: Le Troisieme, Sparks
Subject: Re: Tuxedo Guidance

yeah this is exactly what I am trying to avoid. I like my tux, it fits me well etc but the bun is sort of gay and the vest is "eh".

good meeting guys.

thanks

PS- Sparks - you and i are on the same page. Thus why i even asked the question

From: Le Troisieme
To: xTian, Sparks
Subject: Re: Tuxedo Guidance

I threw up a little in my mouth. If the tuxedo doesn't fit, you are buying the wrong tuxedo. I'm more of a stickler for the satin lapels and satin stripe running down the side of the leg. This stripe is the reason why your trousers on your black tie or white tie pants should not be cuffed.
And don't get me started on renting tuxedos (as opposed to white tie tails and pants).

Agree that point down collar is perfectly acceptable for black tie, whether with real bow ties or real neckties. If you wear a spread collar, I might have to punch you. So long as it it is a formal shirt, I'm not sure if I need to have pleats -- my white tie shirt (with detachable wing collar) has the required stiff pique front, as did my point down shirt I wore for my wedding -- but I don't find anything prom or cheese about pleats. Ruffles, on the other hand...

Studs are a must, unless there are no buttons revealed by the shirt (as opposed to the vest covering the studs). French cuffs (aka double cuffs) or single cuffs are okay (single cuffs are a must for white tie), but the point is that you should be wearing cuff links.

Compared to vests and waistcoats, I am least enthusiastic about cumberbunds, but they are perfectly fine.

That is all.

Postscript: That is all indeed. I ended up going no vest, no bun, bow tie with suspenders. It worked well, I'll post pictures if I get one from some one else

magic

Click More
More...
TADA!

Remedial English

Evil

English isn't my first language so I sometimes have trouble with its nuances. I am a semi-regular user of FriendFeed, a service where you can read people's comments on various topics and threads. Semi-regularly, I will come across a comment like this:

"I'm just sayin'..."

or a variation:

"I'm not sayin', but just sayin'..."

What does this mean??!! I don't even know what it means and everytime I see it, it bothers me. It just seems like a douchy thing to write. Does it mean any of the following:

"I told you so."

"I am telling you so... even before the fact."

"I don't want to say outright that you're a dumbass, so I will just imply it."

Anyone know?

American Idol Bracketology

I’m so far down on my NCAA bracket that I need a new diversion. I propose an American Idol bracket.

I’ll throw out the following scoring system, but am happy to use another method if someone has something better.

Rank each of the remaining nine contestants in the order you think they will depart from the show, 1-9 (e.g., if you think Danny is going home next week and Lil Rounds will win, you will rank them 1 and 9, respectively).

You will be assessed points for each contestant based on the formula:

2 to the power of│Guess - Actual│

Note that the exponent is an absolute value. For example, if you thought Megan was going home 2nd but she actually made it to 5th, you will get 2 to the power of│2-5│ = 2 to the power of 3 = 8 points.

Scores will be tabulated golf-style, with the lowest point total winning.

Everyone will also submit their prediction for the contestant who will earn the judges’ override, and the week the judges will use it, to be used for tiebreakers.

The winner gains the esteem of his or her (probably his) peers. The loser has to enter into a record deal with 19 Management and perform on the American Idol stadium tour for the next year (also, the loser may have to buy the first round of beers at the next Hose board meeting).

Who’s in? I’ll send around a bracket to interested parties.

Today's News

5 of the following 6 are headlines I've seen on various news sites today - and I'm not talking Fark. These are all from CNN, MSNBC or Fox, and they weren't in the "News of the Weird" areas. Good God, what has the internet done to us?

1) Jim Calhoun Eats His Own Poo
2) Doctor's Reattach Man's Arm After 900 Pound Pig Attack
3) Teen Paints Giant Dirty Picture on Parent's Roof
4) 'Sex surrogates' put personal touch on therapy
5) Man Jailed for Sex With Car Wash Vacuum
6) Cops: Bobcat Walks Into a Bar, Attacks Patrons

Find out which is made up in the comments section.

Idol's Fifth Judge Breaks It Down

Evil

There are 10 contestants left. So in a blind draw, each contestant has a 10% chance of winning it all. That is, assuming the drawing is fair, i.e., Scott "The Blind Guy" doesn't get a free ride in the blind draw like he's getting on the show. But of course, it doesn't work that way... this is a competition, baby! And here's how the Fifth Judge sees the odds...

The Long Shots

These people all have a 1% chance of becoming this year's Idol: Michael "The Rough Neck" Sarver, Scott "The Blind Guy," and Lil "No Nickname Needed" Rounds.

The Rough Neck's lack of chops has been exposed and I think everyone can admit that. Nice guy or not, this guy is not long for the competition.

The Bling Guy annoys the heck out of me. The first few weeks, I blamed it on his very creepy blank stare. That's still annoying, but this week I finally pinned it... you know what annoys me the most about him? The fact that he sings like his nose is completely stuffed up. How come none of the judges have raised this issue? Oh, because he's blind and they feel sorry for him. This isn't the Special Olympics, dude! You're getting the boot within 2 weeks.

Yes, I know you all love Lil Rounds's voice but don't act shocked that she's a long shot. She just doesn't stand out. This week proved it. She should have KILLED motown week. But as it were, she was ho-hum at best.

The Improbables

Kris "The Good Looking But Plain White Guy" has a 3% chance of winning. Like Kara said this week, it's all about artistry from here on out. By definition, if it's "all about artistry," do you know what it's NOT about, buddy? Your good looks. Kris is gonna get exposed as the producers throw the wacky and varied genres at him.

Anoop Dawg has a 4% chance of winning. He's in Kris's boat in terms of chops (he'll get exposed too) but he doesn't have the good looks. He makes up for it by being actually likable. Plus he's Indian and you know what an army of call center operators the Indians have. They could mobilize behind him so I give him slightly better odds than Kris.

Matt "The Soulful White Guy" has a 6% chance of winning. This guy has soul, has vocal chops, has piano chops, and has overall artistry. But he also has the fatal flaw of being a straight white guy. His competition's gonna eat him up in the later rounds.

Megan "The Tattoo Sleeve Girl" has an 8% chance of winning. She's original, yes. But the best thing she's going for her is that she's a smokin' hot girl at a sausage party. That's gonna keep her in the competition for several more weeks and after that, she might just get her sea legs and steal this thing.

The Heavy Hitters

So that leaves Danny Gokey Downey Jr, Allison "The Read Headed 16 Year Old," and Adam "Theatre Queen" Lambert as our favorites.

Danny has a 12% chance of winning. He's a great singer and performer. He's got soul. He's 27 and already has a dead wife. His guy's got some heart and America will vote for him. He's definitely going to be in the final 3.

Allison has a 14% chance of winning. As the leading chick in a sausage fest, I've got to give her slightly better odds than Danny. Beyond the demographical advantage, she also has a better shot at becoming a successful recording artist. She's contemporary. She's original. She can sell records. With Danny, it's a crap shoot. He may very well become the next Taylor Hicks. Taylor who? Yeah.

So now we're down to Adam. If my math is correct (which is dubious, because I've been drinking), he has a 50% chance of winning. This guy has got everything going for him. First of all, he's basically got a mulligan in his pocket because if he gets voted off, you know the judges will use their "save" on him in a heartbeat. So that means he has liberty to take some chances artistically. He also has damn fine control of his facial expressions. This is a big advantage for him. If you watch his performance with the TV on mute, I'd bet you'd still like it. Do the same thing with Anoop Dawg and notice that there's a huge difference. And on top of all that, this guy is contemporary, has an amazing vocal range, is gay, is great looking (I bet he gets tons of ass, and by "ass" I mean "anus"), and is so artistic I bet he farts artistry. He's got this one nearly locked up. The biggest runaway win since Carrie Underwood.

Looky-Likey

Left: Adam Lambert
Right: Mario Lopez

Call It!

Evil

What, no Idol predictions this week? What a bunch of sissies.

Ok, I'll go first: I say Sarver "The Rough Neck" is going home. How can an oil rigger fall flat on his face at being tough? Smokey told you to hit it hard, dude! Fatal flaw at not executing.

Also, I see that the good folks at Vote For The Worst are thowing their supporting behind Megan Joy "The Tattoo Sleeve Girl." Thank goodness. We can't let Idol become more of a sausage fest. And Megan is oh so easy on the eyes. We should keep her around til at least the finals.

Inappropriate Office Talk

On Wednesday's my team has a two hour meeting first thing to discuss what we are working on. Today the topics ranged from the articles we are trying to publish on how we are automating internal management decision making to our ability to leverage internal collaboration tools (blogs, etc) so we can serve as an external reference to clients. I know, compelling...

As we left this meeting a fellow asked me about my scent. More specifically He said
"xTian, what perfume to do you wear?"

I was confused. I don't wear perfume. I wear cologne. I think there is a difference but I can't articulate it. I mumble out that I wear Paul Smith London...

"Is it unisex?"

Now I want to fight the dude...I mean wtf? right? I tell him, no its for men. I am totally self conscious about cologne. Usually I try new colognes on and walk away. If I don't hate it three hours later I make plans to return and purchase it. Even then, I usually bring a woman to help me out. I recall buying this 2 years ago with my friend W. She has a good sense about these things. Trust me this is rigorous process.

We are now on the elevator. There are other people on it with us and he presses on talking about the scent. At this point, I had to ask,

"Why does this matter?"

He looked away wistfully, "It just reminds me of a woman I used to know".

I could see the pain in his eyes, I looked at the other woman in the elevator with us and she had a full on "Geithner Face" on. I was just glad she was there, lest this dude tried to kiss me or something.

Ask xTian: Computer edition

Cha Cha is getting a new computer for his birthday from his grandparents, who want to Skype with him. His mother's computer is a 5 year old PowerBook G4 hand-me-down from his uncle. His mother hates it. It has no memory, slow processing speed, can't handle her iTunes nor her digital photos.

What should Cha Cha get? Here are the needs that this new computer should fulfill:

1. Skype
2. Some kind of video editing program, maybe. We have a video recorder with MiniDV tapes. Can anything be done with these things?

Woooo. Big list, eh? Being neither a Brooklyn hipster nor a fop in a bowtie, I don't know whether to get a Mac or a PC. Can I buy a computer from Costco? Is that just not done?

American Idol Rewind

Motown Week - what an exciting week this wasn't. Boo. Bored. How could this happen! How could so much mediocrity make it into the top 10? This is the long slow part of the season when we learn who we really like, and who we have to put up with for awhile. Let's recap.

Matt – Let’s Get it on. Marvin Gaye. I have a bias against this dude, and I can’t put my finger on why. Maybe because he is just a normal guy – like he could be my friend perhaps – and my friends certainly aren’t worthy of fame, so why should he be?
Chris – How Sweet it is. Marvin Gaye. Chris performed it well – and I’m starting to get a feel for what his ‘style’ is. I think this guy is a lot more bankable star than Matt – and goodness knows there isn’t room for both of them in the final 4.

[If you are keeping score at home – 2 guys, 2 neckties. Scott coming up after the commercial. I think this will be painful…..]

Scott – You Can’t Hurry Love. Diana Ross and the Supremes. He’s wearing salmon colored pants. Is it fair to hold this against him? He also informs us he is single, so now he and Evil have something in common. Also, it was a weak performance. I think he has the worst vocals of anyone left in the show, so make that 2 things in common.

[Seacrest pronounces “crayons” “crowns”, which is weirder than pronouncing “ten” “tin”. ]

Megan – For Once in My Life. She received, and deserved the judge kiss of death when the first comment from ¾ judges was that they liked her outfit. More importantly, I’ve figured out who she is - Jenny McCarthy, circa Singled Out. Looks like her. Sounds like her. Seems fun like her. Too bad she sucked ass tonight.

[Four performances in and I haven’t heard anything I would listen to a second time. Anoop is up next. After last week expectations are high!]

Anoop. Oh Baby Baby. Smoky Robinson and the Miracles. It takes some nuts to sing a Smoky Robinson song to Smoky Robinson. But isn’t Smoky just thinking “royalties!!!!”? He has dollar signs in his eyes. Papa got a brand new bag. Regarding the song, Anoop is back to his old tricks – sucking ass, in falsetto. Yawn. This song lasted longer than my 8th grade dance.

[I don’t like it when the judges tell the contestants what they should do next week. Where else on earth do judges give advice about what contestants should do in a competition?]

Michael. Ain’t to Proud to Beg. Temptations. Best advice of the season from a guest performer: “Pound it. This is your last chance with your woman. Lay it all on the line.” Dude didn’t pound it though. It pounded him.

What the hell? We’re 6 performances in and this has been one of the most unremarkable nights ever! Is it me? Am I crazy? Do I hate Motown?
Best judge’s comment of the season: “At this stage of the season, it isn’t about singing, it’s about artistry” – from THE NEW GIRL.

Lil Rounds. Heat Wave. Thank God. Finally someone sounds like a winner.
I think next week she needs to call these judges on their bluff and sing the phone book. They keep telling her she can do it. So let’s see it Lil. I suggest starting in the Zs and working backwards.
Adam. Tracks of My Tears. Smoky Robinson. Doing his best Mario Lopez looky likey, he gets all anti-Adam on us. No eyeliner. Xtian style hair. Just when you thought he was a one trick pony BAM. This solidifies his front-runner status. A Smoky Robinson standing O doesn’t hurt.
Danny. Get Ready. Danny is almost as adorable as Jonathan Lipnicki (the human head weighs 8 pounds).

Alyson - Pappa Was A Rolling Stone. Best performance of the night. I've never voted before, but feel like I should now.

All in all - this show gets 3 stars out of 10. The only performance I watched twice was Adam (man crush). Given the amount of ass sucking we saw tonight, there are reasonably 5-6 people that could be on the blocks tomorrow night. Yikes.

DILF?

I'm needing a break from all this banging one's head against the economic brick. Here's a hoser question: what do you think of this new Dora? She's a tween now.

My predictions:
xTian will go out and buy purple leggings asap.
Evil will take a break from class and go find a private place.
Sparks will say "who's Dora?"
KillerB will asses the value of her brand in a slightly older market.

Oh Snap!

Maxine Waters was trying to emulate Daniel Hannan. It just came off a bit flat.

Embarrasing Democrats Part 1

Most of you know me for the pinko that I am. I want big government, gays everywhere (generating awesome dance music day and night if possible), and embryonic stem cell research into accentuating my cheek bones.

I hope you also acknowledge that I am an equal opportunity hater. Sure I think Glenn Beck is frightening and Lou Dobbs is a criminally bigoted, but I also find Keith Olbermann totally insufferable and Rachel Maddow's default smirk face really annoying.

The place where my equal opportunity skin crawls the most is Congressional hearings. We consistently learn a few things from these hearings
(1) Barney Frank is partisan but hysterical
(2) Every member of the House of Representatives is a grandstanding tool
(3) Most of them have no idea what they are talking about

Maxine Waters is the Congresswoman from Watts (LA County). Last week, she was investigated for potentially directing TARP funds to a Bank her husband is on the board of. Yesterday, during the AIG hearing with Secretary Geithner and Chairman Bernake, she made a point of implying that some how Goldman Sachs and their alumni were driving all the bail out decision in such a direction that would be beneficial to Goldman. Geithner almost threw up in his mouth when he realized where this nonsense was going:


Given that over half of our readership are employees at Goldman (according to Sparks), I have to take umbrage here. Shut up please. The people of Watts deserve better.

The incomparable Michelle Bachmann is also on this committee. Yesterday she managed to prove she has no idea how the Constitution and the legislative process works but that's a discussion for another day.

Three Minute Post

Evil

Before coming out to Shanghai, the last time I was in Chinese class was like 12 or 13 years ago, while I was still at university. Back then, we used this old school text book that you know had to have been written by Communists. Because in the vocabulary list were words like: 同志 (comrade) and 解放军 (People's Liberation Army). Why the F would university kids in NYC need to learn vocabulary like that?

Anyway, for some reason, the word for comrade came up in class yesterday. I mentioned the word and the teacher goes, "Do you know what that means?" And I said, "Sure, it means comrade." And she said, "Do you know what else it means? The slang meaning?" I shook my head. She said, "It means gay. So don't go around on the street greeting people as 'comrade' because they probably wouldn't like it." Ah, good to know.

We [heart] Paul Krugman!

I usually think that posting music videos is lazy, but this different for two reasons. First, it is about everyone's favorite bearded Nobel laureate economist, NYTimes columnist, and George Clooney uncle impersonator Paul Krugman. Second, it's really pretty catchy.

Oh No!!! Fuel for the Douche List Fire

My defense of Peyton Manning has been dealt a punishing blow!

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

BREAKING NEWS: Bankers drink alcohol and use drugs

According to this head-turning piece of journalism, bankers and Wall Street types apparently aren't the goody-goodies we've all been lead to believe. To the contrary, they drink and use drugs!

"Alcohol has long oiled the wheels of commerce on Wall Street, where bankers working long hours will entertain clients over dinner and drinks, or let off steam at late-night clubs with hard liquor and drugs."

This reminds me of the time I went into the bathroom at Bungalow 8 and walked in on Alan Greenspan and Le Trois snorting a line of coke with a rolled up Collatoralized Debt Obligation. Awkward.

On the other hand, this article also does a really good job of summarizing what I imagine Evil's time in Shanghai has been like. There might be a future in banking for you when you get back to NYC Evil!

You say tomato....

Sparks and I grew up in different pockets of the US. Though he has not lived in his pocket for a very, very long time now, one of the few discernable legacies is that vowels are sometimes pronounced the same. For example, PEN and PIN are both pronounced PIN. When he wants to mock my pronunciation of PEN, he will say PUH-HEN.

Tonight we were watching DWTS (save your mockery for another time) and both of us were commenting on the minstral aspects of David Alan Grier's routine. But it sounded a lot like he was saying menstrual. The night only devolved from that point on.

Calmer Heads Prevail?

Evil

Judging by the current stats on the poll, looks like the outrage is dying down. Whew.

Monday Quickies

Evil

• Nice little time waster, if you're looking for one... check out these funny "literal videos." Classic music videos w/ lyrics changed to narrate literally what's happening on the screen. Pretty cleverly done.

• Chairman Meow has gone back to his momma so I am roommateless.
  

• Snaggles will be in the area (that is, Asia) in 3 weeks, so I'm gonna head down to HK and meet up with her for a few days. Should be fun.

• Also, can't wait to meet up with Mamacita and Kentak3 in Shanghai in a few weeks! It's gonna be awesome. We'll have a grand ol' time sipping fancy cocktails from swanky rooftop lounges with a cool view of the Shanghai skyline. And the entire time, we'll bitch about what a bad friend Xtian is.

• Praying for Uncle Sam to bail out the New York Yankees. Please, take the A-Rod contract off our hands! If his contract is not a toxic asset, I don't know what is. Cmon, Geithner, waddaya say?
  

We [heart] Le Troisieme!

Catjjy and I saw this plate for sale at a vineyard this weekend. We thought of Le Troisieme with a smile.

Quick Hits on a Sunday

Battlestar Galactica is over. This has probably been the most emotionally exhausting television viewing experience of my life. Here is a Sunday NY Times article about the ending and questions explored throughout the series. This article will either make you cringe or run out and buy the DVDs. I recommend the latter.

I just watched "I Love you, Man". I will post an outdated movie review next week, but it got me thinking about something. Yesterday, I mentioned to Killer B #1 that I was interested in seeing Ra Ra Riot in concert in 2 weeks and asked if he was interested. He made some comment about the awkwardness of seeing a concert with another man. The response did not make much sense to me. We can go to a concert together, right? I mean I go to concerts by myself all the time. Usually, I buy two tickets, offering the other to friends liberally if that does not work I offload on Craigslist. Let me know if I am off base here.

This is a great Ra Ra Riot song "Too Too Too Fast"


Finally, I went for a drink with a girl right before she went on holiday. She is due back sometime this week I think. If I don't hold her hand soon I may cry.

Have a great week, Hosers!

Cat Fanciers' Update

Evil

I think my temporary roommate, Chairman Meow, is sulking. He's sitting in his carrying case (which he normally hates), facing away from me, and staring off into space.

You see, I've been ignoring him for the past couple of hours because I've been concentrating on doing homework. When I first sat down to do homework, Chairman Meow would jump onto the desk and snoop around. You know, check out what I'm working on. He is so curious. He likes to check up on everything I do. If I'm at the sink washing fruit, he jumps on the counter to watch. If I'm on the laptop, he comes and sits next to me while I type. I shoo him away from the desk, which apparently makes him unhappy. He jumps back on the desk and then sits down right on top of my notebook! I start tapping hit butt with my pen because usually this drives him nuts, but this time he ignores it and just stays sitting on my notebook.

Luckily, I am bigger than him so I pick him up and toss him. He scurried over to his carrying case and has been sitting silently there ever since.

Boooooo To Obama!

Evil

The prez is pre-empting American Idol yet again this week? This is the second time this season! What does he have to say to the American public that's so important? More important than seeing Matt The Roughneck bomb his performance this week? More important than watching Megan The Tattoo Sleeve Girl do her chicken dance?

The Hose opposes H.R. 1586

Yesterday the House of Representatives passed H.R. 1586, a bill that would institute a 90% tax rate on employee bonus payments from firms taking more than $5 billion in TARP money. The bill received overwhelming bi-partisan support, resulting in a vote of 328-93. The Senate seems likely to support a similar bill, and the President has expressed interest in signing something along these lines. The Hose editorial board soundly opposes this capricious, retroactive, and possibly unconstitutional seizure of property. H.R. 1586 has the following troublesome provisions:

• The bill is a reaction to the excessive bonuses paid to executives at the morally and fiscally bankrupt insurance giant, AIG. However, by including in its reach employees at any firm accepting more than $5 billion in TARP money, the bill extends the punitive provisions to even low-level employees at basically every major American financial institution.


• The bill covers banks like JPMorgan and Goldman Sachs that took TARP money at the request of the Treasury. Punishing these healthy and helpful firms now seriously undermines any future effort on the part of the Treasury to orchestrate financial relief. No CEO in his/her right mind will participate in Treasury-coordinated programs when such abusive retroactive costs are a possibility.


• Several prominent Hose supporters will be ensnared in this unsavory wealth-grab. We look out for our own.


• Americans deserve a certain degree of tax predictability. Most of the money involved here was paid out in January of 2009 (bonus season for banks). People have spent the money, invested it, paid down mortgages or other debt, etc. Many of these people will have real trouble coming up with funds to pay this retroactive tripling of their taxes.


• This represents an unwanted and unpleasant distraction from March Madness.

The Hose editorial board urges you to contact your Senators and tell them to vote NO on the Senate version of H.R. 1586.

Sometimes I Feel Like This Guy

Thank You Digital Revolution

There was a time when if I wanted to watch basketball all day during work, I would have to skip work. Well, thanks to the Digital Revolution, and the good folks at CBS and ESPN, those days are over. I'm frankly amazed (and grateful) that I can just click the "watch live" link on ESPN.com, and the game magically appears right here on my screen, at work, in the middle of the day, on a Thursday. That's potentially 2 whole vacation days a year saved. Assuming I work another 30 years, the Digital Revolution might save me 60 vacation days. Nice.

Does not compute

Came across this article in the NYT Home section today, about grown men putting life-size replicas of Captain Kirk's chair in their homes. Some of the men are married. This is mystifying to me. I shudder to think about Sparks coming home with plans to make Homer's nuke control room in our office.

Outdated American Idol Review, by The Fifth Judge

The show opens... the judges are introduced by a bodyless voice this year. Why are the judges so great that they need such a grand introduction? Whoa! How come the bodyless voice didn't introduce me? I'm the FIFTH JUDGE. Douche bags. I am getting no respect. I need to have a word with Simon Fuller first thing tomorrow morning.

The bodyless voice introduces Ryan Seacrest. Eeek! What's with the tie clip, Ryan? Hey, tell the wardrobe staff to get your monacle and top hat ready for next week's espisode. If you're gonna do this, go all the way.

Now let's watch the video intro of this week's guest vocal coach... err... is that Edvard Munch's "The Scream"? No, it can't be. Is that a horse? Nono. Holy smokes, that's Randy Travis! He is looking terrible these days. Poor guy.

First performer up, Michael "The Rough Neck" Sarver. OMG, he is mumbling his way through this entire song. Halfway though and I'm already bored, so I'm typing away as he's finishing the song. Surely, the producers put him first to be the warmup act / sacrificial lamb. My first four fellow judges are totally giving this dude a free pass because he's a "nice guy." F-them! Thankfully, Simon is telling it like it is and calling out this dude's miserable diction.

Next up, let's see what you've got, Allison "The Redheaded Rocker Chick." Whoa, I like what the waredrobe staff did with your hair and makeup. Really sexed you up a bit, didn't they. And you're only 16? NICE! I'm not listening to her sing. It generally sounds good, but I am focused on her lips. Randy "The Dawg" Jackson just said that she's DOPE.

Kris "The Generic Young White Guy," I gotta tell you, I don't like you. If it weren't for your good looks, you'd be nowhere, you talentless runt. Oh geez, you chose a slow, dramatic song... is this some sort of "I'm a real artist" kind of statement? Haaaaaaateit! Stick with the uptempo teeny bopper songs! You're on the chopping block this week, buddy.

Lil "No Nickname Needed" Rounds... show us whatcha got! She's dressed like she's going to the 8th grade prom in 1986. Goodness. Randy Travis just sabotaged the R&B girl's chances by telling her to sing it slow. This is on top of the producers hitting her with "Country Week" in just the second week. Zzzzzz. Someone wake me when she's done. Borrrrr-ring!

Simon is keepin' it real again but holy smokes! "Little" Rounds is giving him the icy stare. Brrrr. Watch your back, Simon. You might shiv'd in the ribs in the parking lot.

Hah! Adam "Theatre Queen" Lambert just freaked out Randy Travis. Awesome! Truth be told, this guy freaks me out too, but I am enjoying his performance. Kara is flustered and is being incoherent. Kara, stop playing Paula's role! Kara, your role is "smart, cougar," don't forget it.

Being that this is Country Week, it would have been killer to invite Sebastian Bach, winner of "Going Country, Season 2." I'd love to see Sebastian Bach and Adam Lambert battle it out in some sort of shrieking competition.

Ugh, Scott "The Blind Guy" is up next. I have to endure whatever he's going to sing. This guy is totally getting a free pass just because he's blind. His blank stare? Creeeee-py. His voice? Bland! Paula makes a really good point for once... she calls out that his performances are the same from week to week. Spot on, Paula!!! (Did Paula just say that "he's a brilliant penis"?!)

Hey, Alexis "Hot Mom with Pink Hair" Grace DOES look like Dolly Parton! Good teaser by Ryan Seacrest. Alexis is divorced right? I would do her. "Jolene" is an awesome song. Nice performance by Alexis. Me like, me like! (Randy pans her performance, Kara says it was flat, Paula is babbling but it isn't positive, Simon thought it was sound-alike. F-them! My fellow judges are morons.)

Up next is Danny Gokey Downey Jr. This guy is one of my favorites this year. He can sing anything. He is to singing what Robert Downey Jr. is to acting. Pure talent.

By the way, Paula is showing a whole lotta boob this week. Normally a good thing. But man, her boobs are sitting on the table. *shivers*

Anoop Dawg Desai! I like this guy. But why does Anoop always dress like he just got out MechE class and is rushing off to Chem Lab? I also like how the producers make it a point to show his old Indian parents on camera. They look so mortified that their son is making such a public spectacle of himself. I don't think anyone roots harder against Anoop than his own parents. They're holding their breaths til this kid gets kicked off the show. And they just might get that this week! Anoop bombed last week. And let's be honest... Indian + Southern? The last Indian + Southern combination we saw on TV was Bobby Jindal and we all know how that turned out.

WHOA, Anoop Dawg rocked the house! Nice. Very nice. You're sticking around for another week, kid. The Fifth Judge says so.

This is the most talented season of Idol ever.

Can a chick be hotter than Megan Joy "The Tattoo Sleeve Girl"? Smokin'. I don't care for the song choice, but I love looking at her and listening to her. She has a unique timbre in her voice. I would totally buy her album.

And closing out the night... "Bluesy" Matt Giraud. WTF with this song choice? This dude has great talent but he bombed this performance. Ick. Let's hope America votes for him anyway. Haha, Paula can't manage to say the word "athent...", "authenticnes...", "authenticity." Thank goodness, she finally got it.

That's all for this week, folks! The Fifth Judge thanks you for reading this column. I tried to pattern my writing style after that of Xtian's, i.e., make it unbearably long and uninteresting.

BREAKING NEWS

Evil has conceded his position on American Idol posting. Starting next week I will offer same day re-caps of performances and fashion!!!!

Stop the Presses

The news has been busy reporting on how the news is going under. Newspapers, specifically. People are consuming more news than ever, but they are getting it online (often times from newspaper-run sites) which kills the economic model. I don’t understand this.

Someone on NPR last week did an interesting analysis. I’ll spare you the details, but the conclusion was that hard copy sales (subscription + newsstand) don’t quite cover the costs of the blank cut paper that newspapers use. Just the paper here…no content, no editing, no reporting, no headquarters building, etc. Everything else is paid for by ad revenue.

In theory, going online should be great. Papers don’t make money on subscriptions anyway, since that portion of their revenue doesn’t quite cover the paper costs. But they are all still having trouble with the online switch because they can’t make as much with online ad sales as they do with hard copy ad sales. This is apparently because online ads sell for a very small fraction of the price of hard copy ads.

For me, the Macy’s ad next to the wedding announcements in the hard-copy NYTimes is just as effective as the Orbitz ad next to the same section in the online version; I pay very little attention to either. In fact, the online one is probably more effective because there is some chance that I’ll throw out my hard copy NYTimes before I even get to that section, whereas if I’m on the weddings section online, I’m certainly looking at it. I thus find the price differential surprising.

Question for Evil and KillerB and anyone else working in the marketing world: are advertisers paying too much for hard copy newspaper ads, or are they paying too little for online newspaper ads? Why is there such a huge difference? I know online ads have miniscule click-through rates, but hard copy ads have no click-throughs at all. Why do advertisers assume one is more effective than the other?

Cat Question

Evil

Dear cat fanciers of The Hose,

How long is a cat's memory? I am getting Chairman Meow again this weekend since his owner will be out of town. It was a month ago that I had him for 6 days. Will he still remember me and/or my apartment?

I'm F@!*%cking Mad!!!

Evil

I am outraged. OUTRAGED!!!

Over what? I dunno. Someone please throw me a suggestion at what to be outraged about. I just don't want to feel left out. Being outraged seems to be the popular thing to do these days, thanks to the TV talking heads like Rick Santelli, Jon Stewart, etc.

I've been listening to talking heads debate this AIG "retention" bonus. I'm wondering if it's really the case that AIG needs these folks, i.e., they do a specialized job and there just aren't that many people who you can bring in off the street to clean up this mess. I'll give them the benefit of the doubt since it seems plausible enough. Anyone have a better grasp of this?

Since I am a marketer by trade, I can only suggest fluffy marketing-related ideas. So here's one:

It's hard to get rid of these AIG employees and bring in replacements, even if they have the skills. Who wants to work for AIG? Ugh. They should create a subsidiary of the company and call it something like the Economic Recovery Group (ERG). When offer letters go out from ERG, they should be signed by President Obama himself. Employees of ERG will make a very competitive wall street salary and be eligible for nice bonus packages based on performance. And just in general, the new employees will feel like they're doing something for their country (in addition to having a job), instead of working for a shitty company like AIG. I imagine there are at least a good handful of ex-Lehman, ex-Bear, ex-Merrill folks worth picking up.

Classroom Snickering

Evil

In class today, the teacher was mentioning a phrase that is sometimes used in Mandarin. It's written as 吞吞吐吐. The figurative meaning is to hesitate in saying something, e.g., to hem and haw. But the literal meaning is "swallow swallow spit spit."

When the teachers was saying, "So you do know what it means to swallow swallow spit spit?" all the students started snickering. It took me like two whole minutes to regain my composure. Thank goodness she didn't ask anyone to explain why we were snickering. That would have been awk-waaard.

American Idol Fashion Wrap

Since Evil won't let me write about the singing, I thought I would write about the fashion. What a mess. This will be easier when they get rid of the rift raft. I won't make you suffer through all of the details - some that stand out

· Michael Sarver – looks like an 8^th grader trying to impress a girl that goes to a private school. “Look, I’m in a sport coat kinda thing! And…. I’m wearing pseudo dog tags which your parents will totally hate!”

· Kris – Normal looking dude. His shirt matched his eyebrows.

· Lil – Hmmm. Not understanding this. Pink. Bow kinda thing. Like a pink taffeta shell attacked her in the green room.

· Adam Lambert – I really don’t like it when guys where really low cut sternum baring v-necks. Even if you are trying to look edgy and creepy. Just take your shirt off if that is what you are into. Earlier today I saw a picture of Robert Plant from the Led Zeppelin days, and dude was walking off a plane shirtless. He just travelled that way. And black nail polish? And racing gloves? And eyeliner? Careful, Lambert.

· Alexis - I really don’t like the pink highlights in her hair. Never have. I wonder who talked her into that? I don’t think I can really like her until she fixes this. Her hair in the pres-segment with Randy Travis looks nice though (straight) – but on stage it looks like she got caught in an electric storm on the way to the studio.

· Danny. “I’m astronaut Brian Fellows”

American Idol Prequel

This week is Grand Ole Oprey Week. Having lived in Nashville for several years, I feel particularly qualified to tell you what is going to happen.

Adam - Will pick a Johnnie Cash or Hank Williams song, and will make it work
Alexis - Will pick a Patsy Cline song you will soon forget
Allison - Will go rockabilly to something you've never heard before, and will be better for it
Anoop - Doesn't matter - dude is toast.
Danny - I'm afraid actually. He will get through, but something tells me he goes all cornball because it might be funny - but the Opry aint funny.
Kris - Perhaps will pull out a really tender Gram Parsons track - Grevious Angel or $1000 wedding. Solid performance no matter what he does. Through to the next round.
Lil Rounds - We all love Lil Rounds, but this is a challenge for her. Thank God Anoop is here to take the pressure off.
Matt - This time next week you will still be asking, "Who is Matt?"
Megan - Will take her place as America's Darling - perhaps with Dolly Parton song - but that is a bit predictable - I would think Coal Miner's Daughter by Loretta Lynn would be gold. Also, look for a wardrobe malfunction. Get your Tivos ready.
Michael - Will walk off the stage in protest when he learns Chris Gaines is not a member of the Opry.
Scott - This should be in his wheelhouse,but I think he struggles - though the square dancing number that kicks off the results show should be memorable.

Join the Hose Tournament Bracket!

Join The Hose Tourney Bracket here!

Group ID# is: 143385
password is: tool01

My picks are going up now

Update: Scoring Rules
After a debate with Killer B we settled on this as a scoring system
2^(round-1) + (round x Seed differential)
Where
Round =1,2,3,4,5,6
Seed Differential is:
0 for picking any favorite
1 for picking 9 in an 8/9 game
3 for picking 10 in a 7/10 match up
...

Signs of the Madness Part 4: The Accidental Standard Bearer

John Calipari has an ax to grind and I think he's right.

Cal went on WFAN today and vented. He thinks the selection committee is BCS biased - picking un-deserving football oriented programs in some synergistic circle jerk. As I mentioned yesterday, I totally agree.

Coach Cal is one of the best coaches in college and has won more than 30 games four straight years. Cal deserved a 1 seed this year and didn't get it because he's in Conference USA. Never mind that he plays the toughest out of conference schedule and goes anywhere and plays anyone. His team was resigned to this last night and refused to cheer when CBS cut for team reaction. I like that.

Meanwhile, Cal will do what he always does - make everyone else look like chumps. See you in the Final Four, Coach!

Sports Network breaks down the mid majors who got screwed and who should have been left out.

Check out Cal in the old days, pissing off legendary John Chaney to the point where Chaney tried to assault him mid press conference.

Ask Xtian - March Madness Edition

Evil

Dear Xtian- Which coach has left a greater coaching legacy: Pat Riley or Bill Parcells?

Signs of March Madness Part 3: America's Thugs

Headbands? (check)
Tattoos? (check)
Scowls? (check)

After a completely wild Big East Tournament, people are falling all over themselves talking about the Syracuse Orangemen. How could you not love a team that won an overtime game against West Virginia within 24 hours of winning a six overtime game against mighty UConn? Sure they lost the final, but that was to eventual NCAA Tournament overall #1 seed Louisville. No shame there!

Their star backcourt of Johnny Flynn and Eric Devendorf is battle tested, not afrait to take a big shot and walk around with ginormous chips on their respective shoulders.

A multi-racial pair of thugs have not gotten this much love since these two:
(Extending the metaphor, Paul Harris is the Duh duh Man and Coach Boeheim the Old Man who shot Neno Brown outside the courthouse, naturally)

Congratulations to the Big East for getting 3 number 1 seeds! It's like the mid 80s all over again! I keep waiting for Chris Mullen to start leading a fast break out of no where! I can't stop typing !

Congratulations to the Big Ten for losing to every legit school they played out of conference, putting me to sleep regularly, setting basketball back several decades every time two big ten teams got together and played to a 46-43 finish, and grabbing 3 of the bottom 5 at large bids away from more deserving Mid Majors like St. Mary's (California) and Creighton or even a more deserving SEC team. Only Michigan deserved to get in, certainly not Wisconsin or Minnesota. I have said this once and I will say it again, the only good thing about the Big Ten this year is Club Trillion and Mark Titus' amusing stalking of Erin Andrews(-Titus).

This is a developing story of the tournament so far, the lack of love for the mid majors. I suspect that the lack of compelling mid majors will lead to diminished viewership of the tournament overall.

I'm just glad we can all adopt the Syracuse Orangemen for the tournament.