The Hosecast Episode 15: DZB and Relationships

DZB, star of everyone's favorite "Ask xTian", stops by gives us a relationship update and preview the season finale of Mad Men

Listen to the whole discussion here.

Unhappy Alum

Evil

What's wrong with the Columbia Lions?! Columbia lost yet another conference matchup today, this time to Harvard. And it wasn't even close, 34-14. Columbia is currently 2-6 overall, with a 1-4 conference record. The only conference win they have is over the sissies over at Princeton. (Boy, what a drubbing it was too... Columbia stomped all over Princeton 38-0.) Can someone get the Columbia football program straighted out already? Calling Herm Edwards! Calling Herm Edwards!

Shocking Fact Of The Day

Evil

Learned this while listening to the NPR Science Friday podcast: Elite marathoners can outrun horses over the marathon distance! That seems shocking to me.

The reason why man can beat out horse: because to keep up with man, the horse has to go into a gallop. And over the marathon distance (26.2 miles) and time (a little over 2 hours), the horse cannot sustain this pace because it can't keep itself cool enough. Indeed, I did some Googling and came across the Man vs Horse Race. Although most of these races were won by horses, the distance was only 22 miles (instead of 26.2) and the human runners weren't truly elite marathoners. They ran the 22 miles in a slower time than the best marathoners would run a full 26.2. So I think in a full marathon with the best marathoners, humans would win by a comfortable margin.

Household Conversations

Evil

Hey glass pitcher that I bought for 30 RMB at the supermarket, you suck as a pitcher! How can you claim to be a pitcher, yet you dribble liquid -- from the spout, no less! -- every time I try to use you. Isn't your fundamental function to be able to pour liquid without dribbling? Don't just sit there and look hollow. Answer me. You are such a disappointment. You're the exact opposite of comforter.

Hey comforter, you rock. I am so glad I found you on sale for only 69 RMB at the supermarket. Not only is that an awesome price, you are an awesome comforter. Using a bedsheet to cover myself just wasn't cutting it anymore now that Shanghai is starting to turn ass cold. Can you talk to pitcher and straighten him out for me? I can't have half of my home-brewed ginger tea spilling to the floor every time I try to have a glass. I mean, half a glass.

temp roommate update

Evil

the temp roommate was misbehaving earlier this week, so i had to put him into solitary confinement for a bit. i think he realized that he had made me mad, so once he got out, he was extra meek. i was taking a leisurely afternoon nap on the couch. the temp roommate came over, plopped his sad face on my belly and soon after decided that he needed to nap too.

World Series Hero and True Yankee Hideki Matsui Lives Up To Amusing Japanese Stereotype

Journalistically irresponsible sports blog (TIME Magazine Asian Edition) profiled Hideki Matsui for its Asian Heroes series a few years ago and wrote the following in paragraph 10:

Indeed, his only eccentricity, if it can be called that, is his extensive private library of adult videos. His refreshing ability to laugh self-deprecatingly about his porno collection, reporters say, is one reason why fans and even nonfans have taken to him so much. Says former reporter Isao Hirooka: "Hideki just wants to be like ordinary people."

Granted, I have known about this for several years but have not brought it up because really, who even is this guy? Right? Then he bats .900 against left handed pitchers and I decide this is worth rehashing...

My Hobby In An Alternate Universe

Evil

Wow! This guy sits in a moving boat and shoots fish jumping out of the water using a bow and arrow! That's some real skill. If I were a redneck, this would TOTALLY be my hobby of choice.

On a related note: The Hose Fishing Trip is on for Spring 2010. KillerB will be teaching all novice fishermen how it's done. See you in Lake George, NY!

World Champs!

Evil

Congrats to the New York Yankees! Hug away, guys! Hug like it doesn't even look gay! YAY! CHAMPS!

xTian Sighting

xTian showed up on someone else's sports podcast to talk WNBA, the Quiddich World Cup, centaurs and professional field hockey.

You can listen here.

Erotic Photo Of The Day

by popular request!!!

Should a Man This Fat Be My Governor?

NJ Gubernatorial Candidate Chris Christie shakes hands with voters before eating his young

More...
On my way to vote today in one of the elections that is a universal referendum on how people everywhere feel about our president (or not), I was accosted by a woman (possibly high on meth) in a green Chris Daggett shirt.

She asked if I was interested in learning more about Chris Daggett. I admitted I was, though not for the reason she thought. I had no intention on voting for him but earlier in the day I had said something to the effect of "Who even is this guy?" and felt uninformed. I don't like being uninformed. I have like one job as a citizen - vote for people I agree with, you do a little research and this is easy. Anyway, I tuned in for whatever she was banging on about.

She started by pointing out that I should trust no man as fat as Chris Christie. She pointed out that I should take this as a sign of his lack of self control. In addition being ludicrous she also made me nervous by her demeanor. She shrieked her thoughts as she bit on her thumb, and thrust her sign under her arm and used the other hand to address a running nose. She then looked at me and at took half a step back:

"I mean you're a big guy, but this man is OUT OF CONTROL". I reflected on how little self control I had as this woman blinked at me incessantly.

I asked about her view on Corzine. She blurted that incumbent John Corzine had had his chance and raised taxes and ruined everything for everyone everywhere. She then began screaming about her landlord and his personal relationship with Chris Daggett (whoever that is). I stayed engaged with her just so others could scoot by and vote but when the coast was clear I made a break for it. As I walked briskly, she yelled some more about how I should vote.

Inside, no one could find my registration and people stared at each other blankly until I started speaking Spanish. They a woman pulled out a provisional ballot and asked me to fill it out, seal it in the adjoining envelope and hand it back to her. I wonder if the tweaker had this hard a time voting...

I can't comment on whether Chris Christie being a fat f*ck (fact!) has anything to do with his self control but I will use the word "slovenly" to describe how he ran his content free campaign. His entire platform more or less added up to "vote for me! I'm not John Corzine! Who used to run Goldman! and is evil! and uses all your tax money to light cigars with his yuppie pals! in Hoboken! QED"

I hope he loses. Then I hope he takes left over campaign contributions and commissions a portrait of himself - half man- half elephant and hangs it over his bed.

Facebook Boo-Boos

Evil

Recently came across two Facebook-related "DOH!" moments. One is from a friend of mine and one was committed by yours truly.

From my friend's status message: [The new Facebook "suggestions" panel is creating alarming moments when friends who have passed away this year are presented as people I need to reconnect with.] Yikes, very sad!

And this one was from me:

One of my friends had posted a pic on his wall. The pic was of two super-buff body builder type dudes sitting on a beach towel. The were shirtless and their arms were around each other's waist. Way in the background of the pic was a stranger, also shirtless, showing his scrawny torso. I weighed in with the first comment: "That pipsqueak in the background needs to go pump some iron!!!"

The next time I log in (which is like 10 minutes later), I see like 8 notifications of people also commenting on his pic. But the comments were ALL something like, "Hey [C], sorry to hear about your loss" and "I'm so sorry, [C]. If you need to talk, I'm here."

WTF? I click on his profile to read his past status messages. And it turns out that one of the dudes in the photo was his ex-BF who had just died the previous day. So here I was making light of the photo while this guy is grieving.

But still! I mean, post a freakin' caption already. Don't just post a serious photo and leave it caption-less / context-less for ever a-hole on FB to comment on, right?

Bonus Photo Of The Day

Quickies

Evil

* At some point, someone stuck me with a counterfeit 50 RMB bill. I've been carrying it around in my wallet for weeks, afraid to use it. I finally offloaded it today while paying some odds-and-ends fees at the university!

* One of my neighbors is a mega douche. He always struts around with a scowl on his face. He think he's some tough guy. He lives at home with his mom and like 10 other relatives. All they do is argue all day long. And on top of that, they leave their door open most of the time so the sound can travel even better. (As if the walls in these cheap China apartments weren't paper-thin to begin with.) Yesterday, I actually visualized beating the shit out of this guy.

* Some people say, "People can't smell themselves." Well, that is not true because I'm pretty sure that my bedroom smells and it's because of me. Ever have one of those "war room" strategy sessions at work where they essentially lock 10 dudes up in a conference room til they figure out some grand plan? Think of how the conference room smells after a full day or two. That's what my bedroom smells like. What do I do? What do I do???

Photo Of The Day

If you guys want, I can also make the t-shirt version of this available on Cafe Press. Oh what the heck, I'll also make the thong version available. I know Manolo would want it that way.

Soon To Be World Series Hero and True Yankee ARod has his most Gay-Rodish Moment Yet

I read this 4 hours ago and can't stop laughing...

A Centaur? HAHAHAHAH

(i am totally going to copy this...)

What The F, Europe?

Evil

I do not know much about world history. In fact, I've only taken one history class and that was in high school and I slept through most of it. (Though to be fair, I think the teacher himself slept through most of it.)

I saw this headline in the NYT: "Europe Still Likes Obama, But Doubts Creep In"

The article is about how Europe is still not happy with Obama / The US in one way or another.

Can someone please explain to me what the F is wrong with the f'ing Euros? All they seem to do is bitch about one thing or another, while never stepping up to do the manly thing, like fight the war on terror. (Except for England. I think they've been OK.)

Mad Men Episode 12: The Grown Ups

Normally, watching people watch TV is decidedly un-compelling.

I know this. I recorded myself watching TV once and I could not imagine anything less interesting. This week, Mad Men decided to subject us to an hour of people watching TV.
More...Everyone is cold, then everyone is hot. The significance of this escapes me. Clearly, its significant. I think it was cold because that was most appropriate for the B plot of the week, where Campbell loses out in the head of accounts race to Ken. Then it suddenly gets very hot. Then Kennedy is shot in Dallas.

So, when you talk to people about the Kennedy assassination, they talk about Camelot and the loss of innocence. People have managed to turn into some larger statement about when America was great and suddenly started to grow up and become what it is now (something people sort of equate with something less than great).

Mad Men has, for the past three seasons, basically disagreed with this hypothesis. There was nothing particularly great or wonderful about late 50s/early 60s America. People were still the same self involved, petty weak people they are now. They were just better at hiding their flaws in a some sort of waspy, well mannered veneer.


I thought about this as I watched several characters on Mad Men use the Kennedy tragedy to their own ends. Jane uses it as a ploy to be a total brat at Roger's daughter's wedding. Betty uses it as an excuse to see the politician and build up the resolve to tell Don she no longer loves him. Duck uses it to bed Peggy. Roger uses it as another excuse to speak to Joan. Peggy's room mate used it as an excuse to host a party. Finally, and most demonstrably, Campbell uses it to turn Trudy against SterlingCooper.

So basically, none of them actually cared much about the Kennedy assassination at all. They just used it as a backdrop for their own pathology. Wild. People have been talking about how Weiner and Co. would handle the Kennedy assassination. I must say, I did not think it would be like this.

Of course, now that I think about it, it makes perfect sense. These small people, they get smaller every week.

Very demure lead in to a big season finale...will Betty leave Don? Will Peter leave SterlingCooper? Will Roger run to Joan? Will Peggy run to Duck? What about the Brits? What about...everything?

Sunday Morning Dancing

Read an article about Julian Casablanca's new album in the NY Times and decided to check the album out. Loved it, I figured between that, our recent conversation on Synth Pop and my recent obsession with Matt & Kim I would share this mix with you.

Wooo

Photo of the Day

I saw this photo yesterday, and it made me think I should be friends with more chimps - if only from a funeral planning perspective. Also, I thought it was pretty amazing.

Birthday Wishes Do Come True!!!!!

Hey Hosers - thank you SOOOOOOO much for wanting to do something half nice for my birthday. It really means half a lot to me.

The thing I would most like half of is a gold bar. Please please please please please.
Thanks!!!!!!

Where Have You Gone Nelson De La Rosa?

I am not watching much of this World Series. There are two reasons for this:
(1) I would rather watch a preseason basketball game than subject myself to 4 hours of baseball (I would rate baseball as my 6th or 7th favorite sport to watch on TV, somewhere after Quiddich but ahead of cricket which can go on for days)
(2) I am an unabashed Mets fan. Again, don't ask me to actually watch a Mets game but I like the Mets. I like the Mascot, I like that Keith Hernandez was drinking in his underwear when his team came back and won the 86 World Series; I like that that the sad story of Doc Gooden is part of mythology of the NY Mets. I like that I can follow the whole tragedy on blogs/existential crisis command center for the chronically depressed like Fear and Faithful in Flushing.

As a Mets' fan, it is intellectually inconsistent to have a rooting interest in this World Series. Met fans hate the Yankees and Met fans hate the Phillies. Also Philadelphians are animals, no one wants to be associated with them. So if you are me, what do you do? I am with a tribe, my tribe has already been conquered. i say I need to stick to it. So instead of rooting or caring, I will hope that somehow both team buses end up in a bloody pile up somewhere on the NJ Turnpike.The only person I don't wish this fate on is Pedro. Maybe he can be hurled from the wreck before the petrol catches fire...

Why? Easy. Pedro is the greatest pitcher ever. I hope he throws 7 shut out innings tonight and makes everyone (NY Mets included) eat it. Then I hope he goes and makes up with Nelson De La Rosa, his mascot/good luck charm from the "Cowboy Up" Red Sox of 2004 - the only interesting baseball moment of the 00s.

Come on Pedro, man up, be a friend!

World Series!

Evil

Umm, hey. Err, you have some white stuff on your face, Robinson Cano.

On a related note... World Series starts today! WOOOO! Go Yankees!

My Pants are Wet Because of Goldman Sachs

Dear Lloyd -

I am at work this morning, as you probably are too. But my pants are soaking wet, and I'm sure yours are not.

More...

"What happened!?" you ask? Well, Lloyd, as you know it is a rainy day. These things happen. And as you know on rainy days in NYC puddles form (you'll find this same phenomenon wherever else in this world you may have homes or kingdoms). Such puddles formed this morning on Stone street. You know Stone Street as the 2 short blocks both east and west of your building - the street the city allowed you to bi-sect when Goldman built the hideous building you now occupy. (I like your new tower at World Financial Center much better - much less goth). Remember when they found all those bones and history and interesting stuff? That street.

As myself and a crowd of others were walking down Stone Street (a consequence of taking public transportation to work), a complete and total jackass in a silver Range Rover SPED UP at the end of the intersection to drive faster through a large puddle in the street. He soaked 6-8 of us. I'm sure he had hoped for more.

Predictably this asshat then pulled over right in front of your building, 85 Broad, where he picked up a dude that had just walked out of the same building. The driver had a big grin on his face. Was really proud of himself. Had he not then sped off, he was about 10 seconds away from a fantastic mob beating. I had already decided my contribution was going to be breaking off his rear view mirrors and smashing them on his face. Would have been so cool.

So, Lloyd, here I am, in my wet pants, without any vengeance to show for it. So I think you owe me. I think you owe me a pair of pants, and maybe even a steak dinner. "Why me?" you ask? Why not. If you are going to employ total jackasses, then you should have a budget set aside to resolve their idiocy.

Thanks for understanding Lloyd. I know you aren't such a bad guy. But I also know you are a rich one. So let's get this settled post haste.

KillerB1

Mad Men - Episode 11 - The Gypsy And The Hobo

Evil

Wow, wow, wow! The most consequential Mad Men episode to date. Can't wait to read Xtian's usually serviceable analysis of it when he finally gets around to posting it. I won't reveal any spoilers. Although I will say that Betty was so detestable yet again in this episode! And so was the Rape Doctor. Since Pete Campbell wasn't in this episode, the Rape Doctor must have felt the need to channel Campbell and play the role of the petulant child. 

Mad Men Episode 11: The Gypsy and the Hobo

The status quo is irrevocably flipped on its ear!

Roger meet his season's quota of witty one liners in one scene!

Campbell and Cosgrove are still nowhere to be seen, put out an APB!

More...
A former client who sells horse meat as dog food shows up and asks SC for help. Apparently, she broke Roger's heart 25 years. Now she's back and in addition to procuring advertising services she is also looking to get the, heretofore unseen, Sterling. She's all like "let's roll in the hay" and Roger is all like "nah, you dumped me". Then she's all like "we are like the pair in Casablanca". Roger is all like "No way, she left him for someone awesome, you left me for a chump". Finally, she's like "come on, give me the high hard one". Roger ends it with "I got a 25 year old hottie at home, its awesome. peace" AND SCENE (Its hilarious when acted out by John Flattery. Nice job JF!)

Still Roger is not all stone cold. Joan calls him and asks for help with a job. Roger flirts, flirts some more, and finally full on sleazes. She is polite and to the point. Roger clearly sort of loves her. After his Heisman of the horse meat queenm he sets out to help Joanie out. Clearly that will bite him in the ass later.

On the home front, Joan's perfect life is now completely undone. Dr. DateRape can't seem to sell himself as a psychiatrist and just wants to cut dudes up. I debated changing his name from Dr. DateRape to Dr. WoahIsMe because he is so pathetic. Finally, he explains to Joan that she has no idea what its like to do everything correctly and still not get what you want. Right, Joan has no idea what he's talking about. One second she thinks she is marrying Dr. Awesome the next minute he is a failure/date rapist/mega d*uche. She is so incensed by this self absorption she has not choice but to whack him with a vase. He must have gotten a concussion or something because the next thing you know he has enlisted as a doctor in the army.

Don packs off Betty and the kids to sort out Gene’s estate. Betty’s brother shows up to play the part of the chump and remind everyone why Betty is so attracted to Don’s take charge style. There is some hilarity when Betty closes the door to discuss Don’s hidden past with the family attorney. Aside form the late 50s gender politics goofiness of the lawyer’s advice; we also get Betty’s brother banging on the door like an insolent child being left out of an important discussion. The writers must have decided that if they weren’t going to use Campbell in this episode the least they could do is channel his whininess through several other characters. HAH.

Don is the man. He is all about Hot4Teacher. He wants to take her to CT while Betty is away. They are set to go but Betty catches him when he tries to put together a bag for his trip. She confronts him then and there in the most forceful way possible. John Hamm plays Dick Whitman in a completely different way than he does Draper. Draper is in control, Whitman is emotional and weak. The physical difference is noticeable; he can barely light a cigarette. Don’s cigarette smoke also makes a break for it, no sass from that jackass this week.

Betty demands the truth and Don/Dick gives it. In rather harsh detail, Betty cornered him and got him to reveal every piece of his history - his mother the prostitute, his drunk father, his step mother, Uncle Mack and of course poor Adam. Learning that Draper actually blames himself for Adam’s death is new. I never considered it before, but I guess they have raised the specter of this guilt before when he has gone out of his way to help Sal, Peggy and even when he helped H4T’s brother. The desperation in his face as he admits to Betty that it was never obvious to him why she loved him at all was sort of compelling. I mean seriously, Don went from a man in complete control to a disheveled mess in about 30 seconds. AWESOME.

Betty’s strength is important here, child-goddess Betty would not have deserved the truth in Draper’s mind. Draper loves strong willed independent women, and Betty does not fit that mold, until now (?).

The entire conceit of this show is that Don Draper is a man who through sheer force of will, can maintain full control of every aspect of his life. So much so that he can will an entirely new persona into existence and an ideal life from out of nowhere. His life is the living embodiment of his work, perfect, inspiring and a complete fraud. This week that was all undone. The entire show is built around Don struggling to maintain this lie. Where do they go from here?

The episode ends with his son dressed as a hobo and his daughter as a gypsy, ready to trick or treat. Betty inexplicably decides to stand by her man, undermining her earlier strength. Or maybe there is a new status quo. They are now co-conspirators after all…

This episode was so awesome I thought of two completely different songs while I watched it. "Ask Me Anything" by the Strokes and "All Falls Down" by Kanye. For serious.

KillberBs' Breakfast Update

Today for breakfast I had 2 lamp chops and some roasted rosemary potatoes with 2 cups of coffee. Before leaving the house I also had a glass of seltzer water, a fish oil tablet, a multi-vitamin, and 2 low-dose Bayer. You gotta keep the heart healthy!

The lamp was leftover from last night's dinner - a lost episode of Cooking With KillerB. I forgot to take any photos until I was almost done.

KillerB2 made herself 2 scrambled eggs.

Photo Of The Day

You can choose from one of two captions for this photo...

Option #1: "Jessica Gil Ortiz of Colombia falls during her routine in the women's floor final at the Gymnastics World Championships in London on Monday. Gil Ortiz was taken to hospital after the fall."

Option #2: "This is a metaphor for evil's life."

Sweet Poncho Advert

This brilliant bit of NSFW advertising featured in Boston's Weekly Dig really got me thinking about a nice, warm poncho for the cool, fall weather.

Poncho Ad from Weekly Dig

Truth on Napkins I Have Not Pooped On Yet

Thanks to Lil A for sharing this!
Healthcare Napkins All

View more documents from Dan Roam.

KillerB1 Needs Your Help

I have gotten into a nasty habit of not eating breakfast the past few weeks - which is terrible. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. We all learned this in the 2nd grade. But here I am, adult KillerB1, skipping breakfast.

As background, you should know that for most of my adult life I have skipped breakfast. But, about a year ago, I said "ENOUGH". My metabolism moves at a glacial enough pace - further exacerbating that by skipping breakfast was unacceptable. So, I started eating a bowl of whole grain cereal with soy milk every morning. It was enjoyable enough. And so it was for 12 months.

Then, a few weeks ago I ate my last box of cereal and haven't replaced it. I can't eat another bowl of Honey Clusters. Now I'm just drinking coffee and going to work. TERRIBLE. And sometimes when I get to work, I buy a $6 sausage egg and cheese sandwich from Pax. Expensive and not healthy!!! TERRIBLE!

So, I'm looking for new in-home breakfast recommendations. What are Hosers eating to get their day started right?

Winter Reading List

Every Christmas, several members of my family look on my amazon.com wishlist and pick several books to give me as a gift. This keeps me knee deep in books well into the summer so I take it pretty seriously.

I have already included Klosterman's new book, the most recent Hornby, and a collection of Nick Tosches writing - still I am pretty sure I am missing some good stuff. Please let me know if anything comes to mind...

obrigado

We Need To Butch Things Up a Bit

Guy I'm Tired Of Looking At

I'm getting tired of this guy. For the past 2-3 months, everytime I go to cnn.com he is just sitting there, flexing in front of me on the bottom right of the page. Just above an add for teaching me how to raise my credit score.

Many Hosers and readers have met me, and know what I look like, but many others have not. For those who have not, let me assure you there is nothing about me that would suggest I could care about this guy or the "naturally bigger muscles" he is trying to sell me. We have the same hairline, and that is where the similarities end. He's creeping me out. How do I get him off of my page?

(He clearly is natural. Don't let the fact that it is a stock photo (as indicated by the shutterstock watermark in the lower righthand corner) fool you. This guy is natural. Clearly.)

Dear Guy in Red Shorts

Yeah, you. The guy who abruptly jumped off of the treadmill right in front of me after being on for just a few minutes. Jumping off just moments before the first tendrils of the worst gym fart ever began snaking up my nose. My God!!! What a horrible gym fart. And now you are gone, and all of the women on nearby equipment are looking at me, like I'm some sort of horrible gym fart animal. Well I see you, red short guy. I see you over by the water fountain, looking back at the treadmill you just prematurely jumped off of. I see you looking back.... wondering.... guilty. And you see me, and you crawl to the locker room. YOU - ARE - AN - ASS. You are worse than airplane fart guy by a factor of 10.

Ask xTian: Should the Jets bench the Sanchize?

As the NY Jets fall to 3-3 we take a hard look at whether they should bench their top draft pick and starting Quarterback Mark Sanchez

More...
So apparently, being a Quarterback in the NFL is harder than we all thought. Interesting.

Rex Ryan decided not to bench Sanchez yesterday, but I would have been OK with it if he did. Not because I was worried about the game but because I was worried about his psyche. In the 4th quarter he was locking on receivers and the ball was sailing on him. The Bills secondary ate that up. He was done for the day. Blasphemy you say? Not really. Why would I be ok benching Mark? Two reasons:

(1) A little benching never hurt anyone
Here is an interesting fact, in the history of the NFL three Quarterbacks have been taken #1 overall and made it to the Hall Fame. They are in order - Terry Bradshaw, John Elway and Troy Aikman (Namath was taken 1st overall in the AFL draft so I leave him out of this part of the discussion and Peyton is not in the Hall of Fame yet). Surprisingly, all three were benched at least once in their rookie season some more than once. I still think somewhere in his heart Jimmy Johnson thinks Steve Walsh is a better QB than Troy (shut up Jimmy). Despite this setback, each rose to the occasion, took their benching like a man, got to watch the game for a minute and learn instead of just getting his clock cleaned all day. Getting benched mid game is not a one way ticket. Anyone can come back from that.

(2) First years are hard on rookie QBs. Here are first year numbers for notable QBs:

Name        Year   Age   Tm   G   GS   QBrec   Cmp   Att   Cmp%   Yds   TD   Int  
Namath      1965   22   NYJ   13   9   3-5-1   164   340   48.2   2220   18   15  
Elway        1983   23   DEN   11   10   4-6-0   123   259   47.5   1663   7   14  
Aikman      1989   23   DAL   11   11   0-11-0   155   293   52.9   1749   9   18  
Manning     1998   22   IND   16   16   3-13-0   326   575   56.7   3739   26   28  

Everyone one of them looked awful and cost their teams games. The Colts were awful so people were fine with Peyton sailing passes all year. Different situation for the Jets. People see them as a borderline playoff team, but borderline playoff teams are .500 teams (or worse) if you let your rookie QB go thru growing pains. Tough call for the team.

There are outliers. Last year, Joe Flacco had a "good year" but really he just hid behind a very good Ravens defense. Matt Ryan handed the ball off to Michael Turner 400 times last year and learned a lot. This year he spends a quarter of his life dumping off to Tony Gonzalez.

This does not absolve Mark of some very clear improvements he needs to make
- He does not protect the ball terribly well when on the move
- He locks onto receivers sometimes, which gives the secondary time to adjust

Yesterday in particular - with Crotchery out of the game, Braylon in a regular double team and Dustin Keller running sloppy routes the Bills sat on Sanchez's look and pounced on the ball. Horrible. This is not good. I will admit, I blame it all on global warming, Sunday played like December. In December, Giants Stadium befriends no man. If you are Kerry Collins, Vinny Testaverde, or a young Brett Favre you throw the ball hard enough that it can knife through those winds. If you are Phil Simms, Chad Pennington or even Boomer Esaison you throw low and you throw tight. If you don't do this your ball gets too much of the swirly under it. People start thinking you aren't a good QB even though you are top 5 at your position (Yes - I still love Eli).

That is two games that Mark has cost the Jets (and counting). By no means, do I think Mark belongs in the same category with anyone mentioned above yet, but similarly we can't discount him yet either. It's all a learning process

Still, he should start against Oakland. Woo, but Rex should not be afraid to pull him if it gets ugly.

You Know You're A Douche When...

Evil

You know you're a douche when...

* Your delusion of grandeur is being a reality TV star

* You name your son "Falcon"

* You teach your kids to lie

BTW- A secondary douchebag award goes to Wolf Blitzer for his behavior in the above clip. After Richard Heene fakes "being appalled" (what a terrible actor he is!), notice how Wolf Blitzer sticks his tail between his legs and starts kissing ass. Pathetic. Katie Couric would have savaged that dude.

Shocker at the WSJ

Did anyone see the front page of the Wall Street Journal today? There in bold, two-inch font was the banner headline: "Colleagues Finger Billionaire."

What are we to make of this? Are we, as a country, mature enough to ignore the double entendre? Am I the only one that got a giggle out of seeing this in the conservative/financial paper of record?

I found it particularly amusing given that the paper's owner, Rupert Murdoch, married a colleague half his age who has almost certainly had to finger the old billionaire. Is this an editorial swipe at the new owner, or just Finance with a Fox Attitude?

PS - I usually like to add a photo to my posts, but typing "finger" into Google Images proved to be a treacherous experiment in workplace inappropriateness.

PPS - Update! Xtian pointed me to a good picture of the front page in question.

Mad Men Episode 10: The Color Blue

The Couch Commie still sucks but now even he realizes. Betty learns that Don’s whole life is a lie (but she’s dumb so she can’t piece it all together). Lane Price grows a heart. Hot4Teacher is a total looney tunes and Don remembers the “Hobo Code”.

The most action packed episode of the series. To make up for it the last 5 episodes of the season will probably contain 240 minutes of intense staring.

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Don is doing Hot4Teacher nightly and ever so rightly. Post Coital – they break down how silly little children can be and how one 8 year old asked Hot4Teacher how she knows that when she sees blue he is seeing the same blue. She says something sufficiently nutty about how she doesn’t but she was really moved by his ability to make her access such a question from her own memory and perception. Then she blew the 8 year old, kidding…maybe. Her brother then shows up and while Don's cigarette sees an embarrassing junkie and calls it like he sees it. H4T just sees her epileptic brother in trouble. Don wants nothing to do with the kid and breaks out till the tool blows town. Hot4Teacher follows him onto his commuter train to confront him. CREEPY!

Randomly, Don’s cigarette softens and “befriends” the kid based on his commitment to the hobo code, which apparently Don’s cigarette still subscribes even though his master has traded it in for a SterlingCooper binding contract (and signing bonus).

All this teacher banging puts the Draper household on edge. So much so that a simple errant phone call puts Don and Betty on the defensive with their paramours. Henry puts Betty in her place and Don confronts H4T on a train (still creepy) but not before his cigarette is all like “don’t call me at home b*tch”. Betty is so confused she finally accesses the drawer of secrets and discovers Don’s divorce papers, his deed to the house in California, two sets of dog tags and several Whitman family photos of depression era poverty and joyless childhoods. She doesn’t know what to make of it all but boy is she steamed! I assume she perceives that Don has been hiding a first marriage, but that’s because she does not have the benefit of three seasons of incredibly deliberate (if you are catjjy replace deliberate with plodding) plot development. She is so steamed that when its time to join the charade and play Betty Draper – MILF Queen of the Universe – she debates it for about 5 minute, considers confronting Don and ultimately gives up. I ALMOST pity you this week Betty. Nice job by, writers.

In office news, (What? They work?) the couch commie comes to grips with his own mediocrity. He thinks Peggy is more appreciated first because she is Don’s pet and second because she’s a woman. Peggy’s perception of her relationship with Don is pretty much entirely based on him recently telling her she is completely replaceable. Kingsly drinks till he forgets his genius idea and gets bailed out on the Western Union pitch by Peggy. He suddenly realizes he sucks and she is actually very good. Poor Kingsley joins the ranks of thousands of Princeton grads, embraces his mediocrity and skulks away, supposedly to drink more.

Lane Price, still totally aware of how disposable he is to the folks in Londontown, realizes he loves NY and his pals at SterlingCooper. Again the perceptions are at work here. His wife’s hatred of NY is based on its crassness. To Lane, obviously of more humble beginnings it is a place to reinvent himself, free of his apparently non Oxford pedigree. This and his overlords rather dismissive decision to sell SC rock his world. He tries his best to make friendly with both Don and Bert. Both of which seem to sorta work. Are we gearing up for a new CooperDraperPrice ad agency run by Joan, with Sal in charge of television?

Mercifully, Roger returns to his rightfully place, cracking jokes and having to put up with his aunt confusing his wife with his daughter.

The episode ends with a Scarface level ham-handed (not Hamm-handed) “The World is Yours” blimp scene. SterlingCooper, which really no longer exists except in the poor deluded minds of its employees, has a 40th Anniversary Celebration with the Brits (who could care less and only see this as a springboard to $$) pushing Roger (who hates Don) to recognize Don’s leadership (who is not at all Don and now several people in this room know it) and his wife’s loyalty and support (HAHA) in front of a bunch of clients who took turns storming out last week.


Prediction – Betty seemed completely non-pulsed by the large amount of cash in the drawer of secrets. She’s pretty, but she’s dumb – because homeboy is getting ready to bounce!

(Btw, image above- Last Supper Much?)

Messages For The New York Jets

Evil

Thanks to an exclusive deal that The Hose has signed with the New York Jets, we now have total access to the Jets executive offices in Florham Park, NJ! Awesome. Lets take advantage of this all-access deal, won't we? Oh, what's this at the front reception desk? Incoming messages left for the Jets? Let's see what they say...

"Message for Mark Sanchez: Hey dude, I want my game back! -- JaMarcus Russell"

"Message for Rex Ryan: How's it going coach? You likin' my old office? Whatever you do, don't look under the desk. Oh, by the way, I want my clock management techniques back! -- Herm Edwards."

"Message for the New York Jets: You had a nice run there, but now it's back to what you always were. Hey, I want my storyline back! -- Flowers For Algernon author Daniel Keyes"

Whoa, that last message is disturbing! The Jets won 3 in a row and then they lost 3 in a row. Does this mean that next week... they'll die???

Cooking With Killer B: Pumpkin Seeds Edition

I've already covered one of the great football dishes in my earlier post on chili (to which Sparks launched an as yet unsubstantiated attack). Another great football season treat: Pumpkin Seeds.

Unless you are a pumpkin farmer, you basically get one shot at this each year when you carve the pumpkin that will ultimately get smashed on the sidewalk in front of your home by some dipshit teenager - and for me, today is that day.

For delicious Halloween fueled football treats, meet me after the jump

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More Semantic Obsession

Evil

I hate it when people say things that they think sound smart, but in reality, sounds stupid. One trend I've noticed in the past year or two is the "affordability turnaround" line. Here is an example...

TV news journalist: "With all the problems facing our country, how can we afford the time and resources to switch to the metric system?"

Smug talking head: "Well, the question isn't whether we can afford to switch to metric... the question is whether we can afford NOT TO."

I hate this! These kinds of statement are almost never substantiated in any way. The people who use them think they are some verbal judo masters or something, but I think they're just unimaginative tools.

Suck It, Bono

Evil

Bono wants to tell us how to re-brand our country? First of all, what do you know about branding, Bono?! You're a singer, not a High Flying Branding Executive. But most importantly, you're not even American. Keep your stupid thoughts to yourself, you elitist Euro. We don't go over to your home country and tell you how to grow your potatoes and drink yourselves into oblivion. Don't tell us how to re-brand our country.

Another Show You All Should Be Watching

I have already admitted a deep and unwavering love of GLEE, but the show I have not talked about yet is Modern Family. It's a little early, but I think this might be evolving into the smartest comedy I have seen since Arrested Development...

The show centers around a somewhat hilarious extended family that include Al Bundy as its randomly wealthy patriarch, Sofia Vergara as his second wife, Julie Bowen (one of this chicks that has shown up on a lot of shows) as his uptight daughter, some dude as his gay son and several other hilarious people as their spouses and children.

I will admit I tuned in most to see Sofia Vergara but after four episodes I gotta admit this show is freaking hilarious. Shelley Long showed up last night as Ed O'neil's crazy, yet overbearing ex-wife.

"We Suck! Let's Beat Ourselves Up!"

Evil

I like how, after the second straight loss, the Most Hated Team In Football has a complete turnaround in attitude. Before, they were trash-talking the hell out of teams they were facing (e.g. Patriots) as well as teams they were not faving (e.g. 49ers). Now they're just kicking the hell out of themselves. Really beating themselves up. Geez, get a grip, Jets! Your current behavior is reminding me of Mr. Shoulders. When that guy gets down, you don't want to be around him. All that constant self-berating is tough to listen to. Did you hear that, Jets?

Jets lost their mojo. Pats lost their mojo. Guess who's gonna sneak in and win the AFC East yet again? DOLPHINS, baby!

The Worst Kept Secret In Politics

Evil

If you pull down Harry Reid's pants, you would find a vagina. Oh, it's true. It's true.

Sparks = Creepy

Congratulations go to Sparks on creeping out The Hose readership with his lust for David Brooks. Catjjy might be advised to look under the mattress for all of the editorials he has cut out and hidden away in there.

Mad Men Episode 9: Wee Small Hours

Betty is having dreams about some dude working her over. Don is suffering from severe insomnia, an issue he acquired so he could better service his looney tunes client. The upside is that he can now more easily bang other womenMore...
Betty cannot get her Italian freedom or Henry the sleezy politico out of her mind. She addresses this by taking on a completely chaste, but completely inappropriate, correspondence with Henry. This is clearly not Henry’s first goat rodeo. He takes the frivolous notes as a queue to happen upon Betty mid day. Third episode ever of this show, Betty was taken down two notches by Draper for allowing an air conditioning sales guy in her house mid day, meanwhile this dude just comes flaunting in, the hell? Sloppy, sloppy Betty. So sloppy that Carla catches them. Henry comes up with a stupid cover story about a fund raising cocktail party and Betty actually follows through on it. This fools Carla not at all. Having said that, it’s still 1963 so Carla knows better than to act like she knows what’s going on. Carla is all manner of awesome with her judging looks. They scream stuff like “Is this white lady serious? Who does she think she’s kidding?” This all comes to a very childish end of course. Henry blows off her fundrairser in an attempt to show Betty who’s boss. Betty, of course, shows up at his office and makes an awful scene, then realizes she is just signing up for another Don but in an older, less attractive body. She politely moves on.

Part of the reason Don is not sleeping is Connie. He making this worse by calling Don in the middle night and insisting on meeting with him. On paper, this is exactly the sort of gayness I have been anticipating between these two for weeks. In practicality, Connie is just a severe narcissist who thinks someone needs to be a witness to every drop of genius that crosses his mind. Don plays along, doing his best to manage his account. Connnie's rambling get Don's creative juices flowing. Connie appreciates the ego boost so much he calls Don his son, more so than his real son. Btw, this exact same thing happened to me. I responsible for client service to this old codger once and his son (on more than one occasion) called him asking him for money in my presence. His son was my age at the time (say 30) so it was really embarrassing. Anyway, all I ever did was help the old timer out. He really appreciated it and took me to a steak dinner when I moved on. He even let me drive his Lexus. He was a really nice guy, much unlike Connie. Anyway, Don builds an above average campaign based on this Connie’s crazy talk. Connie hates it claiming that Don ignored some random comment about the moon and storms out. Don’s cigarette makes a dramatic return and demands that Connie respects his smoldering hot genius, but in a subtle understated way. Don’s cigarette then convinces him that he needs a pick me up to remind himself exactly how awesome and in control he really is.

Cut to Don trolling for chicks in the dead of night. He goes back to the spot where he had previously seen Hot4Teacher jogging (before jogging btw, jogging was a creation of the 70s). Not finding her wandering around he happens upon her at home AND KNOCKS THAT DOWN. Hot4Teacher who, for all her hippy-ness, is just as f****ed up as Don makes a series of meta-comments of just how little Don is thinking this all through. What Hot4Teacher doesn’t know is that Betty has dropped the bar for hiding their issues to an all time low. So low that Don is free to bang the entire town of Ossning at the local Pathmark if he is so inclined. Don almost pleads the line “I want you. Doesn’t that mean anything to someone like you” Note to writers - I find this a little too on the nose. Don is very needy but also needs desperately to hide that (and everything else about him) in a thick shield of cool. So, please a little consistency next time.

The entire Connie withholding affection from Don dynamic is SO GAY that they have draw a parallel between this interaction and Sal’s interaction with Lucky Strike Jr. Sal is a totally awesome commercial director now and Lucky Strike Jr. needs Sal to direct him in some home movies. So much so that he gets a little drunk and FEELS SAL up. Sal feigns heterosexuality, poorly. LS Jr. is so offended he knocks down several more drinks and demands that Harry fire Sal. Harry pulls a chickensh*t move and does nothing, hoping the issue goes away. LS Jr. makes a big scene and storms out drawing the ire from a suddenly under-used Roger who in turn is wasted on a ‘dramatic’ scene with Don. BOO Roger Drama…BOO

Lastly, Carla quietly judges her way through a scene where Betty wonders if the US is just “not ready” for Civil Rights. Carla is now officially shooting both her and Don “you white people are just stupid” looks. This is going somewhere. Pumped about it.

Mad Men

I got distracted by the Jets on Monday night (that won't happen again this year) so in lieu of talking Mad Men (it was a good episode so thoughts will go up later in the week) I will share with you the following. Christina Hendricks (the bodacious Joan) got married this week. To this guy! For those of you who can't place this guy, he is the dude that tries to sell Zach Braff on an "amazing opportunity" in the movie Garden State.

This is shocking.

Things Going on in My Life That I Will Write About in Short, Numbered Items

1) Cooking With KillerB is on hiatus. KillerB's stove is on the fritz. KillerB has fingers crossed for a Viking from the landlady

2) KillerB's in-laws spent the last 2 weekends sleeping on his pull-out sofa - including this weekend, which marked 1 year anniversary of marriage to KillerB2. Was this some kind of test? Did I pass?

3) Waiting for said in-laws at an upper East Side restaurant on Saturday night, a half drunk, 80ish year old man asked me if I had come from the Army v Vanderbilt game (I had not). He was pumped about the Army victory. He played at Army when they won the national championships in 1944/45. He was an offensive lineman. He told me he weighs 4 pounds more now than he did then, which was 258. What's the average weight on the Florida O line? 320>

4) Took a tour of the Woolworth Building on Saturday with some know-it-all smarty pants who wrote a book about it. It took her 12 years. Good Gravy. This post took me 12 seconds.

KillerB1dora - Man vs. Machine

Hey, Deep Blue, Eat This!!!!!

I spent the weekend running a very complex series of calculations in my head based on Sparks suggestion of Time to Pretend by MGMT. Based on this, I plugged the words "fun", "upbeat", "quirky" and "anthem" into my head and let my brain stew. 48 hours, this is what came out.

I have included a bonus Belle and Sebastian track because my mind ended up mired in a recursive loop trying to decide which was best. I also included a bonus Wyclef song because I love it, and it meets all of the above criteria, but clearly is a different genre.

The MGMT track leads off so you know where we are coming from

Evil Update

Evil

The temp roommate is back!!! Evil is no longer lonely. But Evil is still sad.

Taking It To The Next Level - Nobel Edition

Evil

If there's one thing that really puts a chubby in the pants of the International Elitist Intelligentsia, it's giving America the big "F YOU!" Witness what the International Olympic Committee (IOC) did to Barack Obama and the US recently. But alas! Perhaps the only thing stronger than their hatred of America is their White Man's Guilt. This week, the old European whities tried to right their wrong by tossing the Nobel Peace Prize Barack Obama's way. Nevermind that he didn't do anything to deserve it, but their guilt was just too overwhelming.

Well, you know what, whities? That's not enough!!! If you really want Barack and America to forgive you, you have to take it to the next level!!! We demand that Barack Obama gets all the Nobel Prizes. We have plenty of justification:

Nobel Peace Prize - Done!

Nobel Prize for Literature - No brainer! Barack has written two best-selling books and plenty of awesome speeches.

Nobel Prize for Medicine - He's going to reform our healthcare system!

Nobel Prize for Economics - He's going to pull us (no, the world!) out of this recession. Paul Krugman can suck it.

Nobel Prize for Chemistry - Joint award to Barack and Michelle Obama. They have awesome chemistry.

Nobel Prize for Physics - Another no brainer... the man can walk on water! Now if we can just productize this scientific breakthrough, we'll finally be energy independent.

Cmon, old European whities, make it happen!

US Soccer: Not Treading on Anyone

Despite all the mid summer hoopla, the US National Team has not yet qualified for South Africa 2010. So Honduras vs. The USA tonight is a pivotal match on a day with serious ramifications for several countries across the world.

Also keep your eyes on Argentina vs. Peru and Ecuador vs. Uruguay as the South American Region is a dog fight for all involved. A loss tonight could leave Argentina (and top five player in the sport L. Mesi) on the outside looking in. Cristiano Ronaldo and Portugual are in similar dire straits in their grouping. A World Cup without Mesi or C Ronaldo would drive FIFA and ESPN executives to find bridges to toss themselves from. I am pumped!

Moral Question

Evil

For once, I have a moral question that does not involve baskets...

OK, it seems like the overwhelming sentiment is that the FOX series Glee is worth watching. I'd like to start watching this series, but since I am in China, I can't watch this show via normal means:

- FOX does not broadcast to China

- Hulu and Fox.com are blocked in China because they only have distribution rights in the US

So the moral question is this: is there anything wrong with me downloading the episodes on Bit Torrent? My rationale is that if I were to watch it on TV when I'm at home in NYC, I wouldn't pay anything. I would fast forward through all the commercials via DVR. If I were to watch it on Hulu, I would pay anything either. So is there anything morally wrong with Bit Torrent'ing the episodes?

TEA BAGGIN, THAZ NOT HOW U DO IT

Content Overload

Evil

Dare I say, there is too much content on the Internet! Not only did someone write a poem about a cat (was it Turdhurdler???), someone wrote an article about the poem about the cat! Here is the article. I did not read it and you probably shouldn't either. I just wanted to point it out.

Quickies - Morning News Edition

Evil

Some quickies from the news...

* Lab workers abuse Ted Williams' frozen head, including smashing it with a monkey wrench. NICE! Were they Yankee fans?

* NJ Governor Jon Corzine now running commercials making fun of his fat opponent, Chris Christie. NICE! As a former High Flying Advertising Executive, I fully endorse this strategy. Not only is calling your opponent fat an effective strategy, it's entertaining for all. Next up: new commercials calling Chris Christie a "mega douche."

* New York's Least Favorite Columnist, Maureen Dowd, gets her panties all in a wad about Draper-like behavior in today's work environment. SUCKS! We long for the good ol' days of Drinking & Drapering.

Challenge KillerB1 - Pandora v. KillerB1dora

I've been using Pandora a lot lately. It's pretty good. But is it better than KillerB1dora? Probably not.

Here's the deal - you submit a song you would like KillerB1dora to run though it's algorithm - and I'll do it. Then you can compare my playlist to what Pandora generates with the same song. I'll deliver 8 songs.

Give me your submissions in the comments section. I'll pick 1 to work with - so choose wisely.

The Hosecast Episode 14: NFL Round Up Part 2

NFL Week 4 Report - Part 2 of 2. xTian and the Bump continue their trip around the NFL - handicapping the Jets season, discussing the emergence of the Sanchize and playing "Where are they now?" with some of the key participants from "Pandemonium in Piscataway".

Listen to the whole discussion here.

Mystery Photo

Evil

Can you guess the identity of the person in this photo?

Need a hint? That's a University of Michigan uniform he's wearing.

The Hosecast Episode 13: NFL Round Up

NFL Week 4 Report - Part 1 of 2. xTian and the Bump go round the NFL, talk best and worst teams and lay down some early predictions for the Super Bowl. xTian also takes a moment to slam the Worldwide Sports Leader

Listen to the whole discussion here.

Sex With Co-Workers

Evil

For those of you with jobs and co-workers (i.e., everyone except me. boo hoo hoo!), this article called "The Do's and Don'ts of Sex With Co-Workers" might be a handy reference.

Daymares - Volume 5

Today's Daymare is a Daymare that happens at night. Crazy, right? What makes it a Daymare is that it happens while I am awake, but it's too late to rename this feature Awakemares.

Before I go to bed at night, I pour a glass of water and put it on my nightstand - right on top of all of the books I've started and never finished (that Lincoln book is like 19,000 pages).

Then I go to sleep.

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But, I tend to wake up a few times every night. (If you are one of those jerks who claims they sleep straight through the night no problem, keep your comments to yourself. I hate you. I don't do that.) I wake up a few times, do some pillow flipping, maybe roll over, and have a drink of water. It's dark of course, but I've gotten pretty good at reaching out and grabbing the cup - haven't spilled it once since moving to our current place 3 years ago. Anyway, this is where my Daymare starts.

The last thing that always goes through my mind as I put the glass to my lips is "I hope there isn't a bug in here". I guess I have a sense that bugs gravitate towards water - and if they got in my cup they probably wouldn't be able to get out. So I always take a little sip first to see if anything solid hits my lips. Once I've confirmed it's bug free, I take a few more sips and go back to sleep.

I haven't had a bug yet, but if I ever do, that will be the worst night of my life.

Quickies - NFL Week 4 Edition

Evil

* G - I - A - N - T - S - GIANTS! GIANTS! GIANTS! Best team in football, baby. Giants will beat the Raiders next week to go 5-0. Then they play the Saints. If they beat the Saints, then check this out... it's conceivable that the Giants can go 16-0 this year. Just look at their schedule after the Saints. Isn't that an amazingly weak schedule for a team that had a good record last year? There's not a single opponent on that schedule (post-Saints) that would be favored over the Giants in a game.

* Poof! That was the sounds of the Jets bubble popping. 3-13 record for the Jets this year? Maybe... Maybe...

* I declare the Mobile Athletic Quarterback Fad officially over. Vince Young? Michael Vick? Those QBs are so 5 years ago. The age of the Classic Pocket Passer is back! (Joe Flacco, Matt Ryan, Matthew Stafford, Big Ben, Eli... not to mention the old guard, such as Tom Brady and Peyton Manning.)

* Looks like Mark Sanchez just put himself on the Tony Romo career track. That is: great looks, bangs hot chicks, 3+ turnovers per game, and will never win a big game. At least he has his priorities straight.