Ask xTian - Breaking Up The Tension

Former Hoser DZB1 checked in with this email to me today
From: DZB1
To: xTian
Re: Spontaneous Masturbation

...So this girl im dating and I are having a robust(I dare say arguement)about her boyfriend. She says she wants me to be her main boyfiriend now that the summer has ended(along with his usefulness of having a house in the Hamptons) and the fall is approaching. I state that although Im flattered by her offer I'm content with being the number two man. This rejoiner for some reason causes her to "tense up' so in the middle of our conversation she pulls down her pants and starts masturbating herself. Although I am not one to state the obvious i had to ask, "Are you masturbating yourself?" "Yes," she says, "I'm tense and this helps me relax."

Any thoughts on this issue? I'm telling you this because I'm hoping that you of all people sum it up in that wry way you have.
--------------------------------------------------
More...
Well DZB1, this is certainly a pickle. In the past, when I've been presented with such a situation I have considered two options (1) look around for something to steal and quietly excused myself or (2) jump in for some angry sex.

These are the obvious things and I am sure you checked off these options as sub-optimal given the obvious depth of your relationship. Here are a few options might have failed to consider -
1. Say something like "Oh OK, let me know when you are done." and find something to read. The Atlantic has some good stuff this month
2. Watch it go down. If she at all closes her eyes ask accusingly "Who are you thinking about?" and demand that she focus on you
3. Invite a friend over. I'm usually very busy but Mr. Shoulders has nothing going on at work. He used to play basketball for two hours a day but recently broke his finger so now he can't even do that. Besides, I think Mr. Shoulders still thinks he can beat you at spades, you gotta remind him who is boss. If he does come over, stare at him while he stares at her. He hates that. I paid a stripper extra once to stare at him from across the room while she gave someone else a dance; he got so upset he tried to leave
4. Hold her and cry a little. Chop an onion if you have to, there is no better way to deal with an awkward situation than to escalate it to its illogical conclusion