Mad Men: Episode 3 - My Old Kentucky Home

It's odd man out week on Mad Men. Lots of day in the life type vignettes. Interstign episode construction and lots of hats! Roger throws a Kentucky Derby Party, Peggy smokes some pot and everyone gets drunk!
More... Peyton List makes her first appearance of the season! She uses it to rub her post secretarial pool triumphs in the face of the other girls particularly Joan.

Meanwhile, the JV team is busy casting the new Patio (psst "Diet Pepsi" sounds better) ad and oogling girls long enough for Campbell/Cosgrove to tell them they have to work all weekend on the Bacardi add while they go to Roger's for a Derby Party which is all just a pretext for this weeks two major themes - casual racism (is bad) and feeling left out (is awesome). Which might be one theme, but you have already stopped reading so this is my own vanity exercise and I don't care what you think.

At home, Poppa Gene is making himself at home by making his Granddaughter read "The Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire" to him at home. She repays him by stealing 5 bucks. Poppa Gene casually accuses Carla of taking it (racism!) and Carla busts it trying to find the money before things turn for the worst. Sally realizing what she has done "finds" the money and is punished by having to read more of that dreadful book out loud. The End.

At the Derbey party, Roger puts on some black face and sings for his guests, as you do. Draper squirms - did Draper have a black friend growing up or something? Everyone else seemed to be having a good time. Every lady makes it a point to wear a hat except Betty because she's amazing to look at and even pregnant is all manner of hot. Trudy and Campbell completely fit and charleston their way through the party. Rich Sommer's character is completely out of place. His wife's awful hat is the visual queue you are looking for. Draper and Betty could care less about fitting in. Draper proves this by commandeering a bar and making a drink for the Ghost of Christmas Future who verbalizes the whole point of the episode by talking about how a self made guy like him never fits in at places like this. Don relates so much that he actually tells an honest story about peeing in the back of the cars he used to park as a valet at the nice restaurant back home. Peyton List throws herself at Draper and gets caught by Roger. Draper tells Roger to grow up. The End.

In her own way, Joan is busy desperately trying to fit in by hosting a dinner party for daterape doctor, his coworkers and their wives. It's all quite compelling - See Joan cook, see Joan serve, see Joan quote Emily Post, see Joan realize that Daterape Doctor is not only a dateraper but also a douchebag, see Joan power through all that - just her and her awesome accordion skills. The End.

At the office, the creatives are stuck at work all weekend on the Baccardi campaign. Smitty pressures the couch commie (who went to Princeton! wtf) to get them some of that green. They don't want to share with Peggy because they suck and I guess want Tom Cruise Light (the drug dealer) all to themselves. Peggy finds her pluck and demands that she "would like to smoke marijuana". Two hours later, Smitty and the Couch Commie depart to be mediocre somewhere else while Peggy gets all their work done, high as a kite. The End.

Hotel Observations

1) Dear hotel desk person: There is no way I'm going to believe you are that happy to greet me, and no way I'm going to reciprocate. It's time for you to calm down, check me in, and stop acting like this has been the best moment of both our lives.

2) Elevator on the left - you smelled like puke, so I'll wait for elevator on the right....and you smell like puke too!!!! WTF? How is that possible?

3) Hotel front desk person that was so happy to see me: why did it take 35 minutes to get a corkscrew to my room?

4) Hotel TV - why do your channels always change so slowly? It takes 3 minutes just to scroll through your 25 channels to see if anything is on. You should meet my TV at home. As soon as I push the button, the channel is changed. Get with it.

5) Dear girl in the fitness center: I usually run longer, but I wasn't feeling well. Really. I didn't just quit for the heck of it, and it wasn't you. Don't think it was you.

Kateryna Bondarenko is Ready for the 2009 US Open. Are you?

The Hose is live from the US Open this Tuesday! WOOOOO

One Rant, One Rave

Evil

* RANT... Dear Eric Holder: you are a jagoff. The prez specifically said he wanted to move forward and not get bogged down in prosecuting the past. But you had to go and try to prove that you're your own man so now you're gonna open up a case on the CIA? If you really want to re-open old wounds it seems more sensible to go after the Bush administration lawyers who authored the torture policy. But you're going after the feet-on-the-ground CIA agents who were just doing their job. Nice move, a-hole.

* RAVE... One of my biggest pet peeves is people who are oblivious to the space around them. For example, people who stop dead in the middle of a busy doorway. MOVE IT, A-HOLE! I love that in China, shoving people is just a part of getting around. I was trying to get into the subway yesterday and a guy was standing right in the entryway having a conversation with his wife. I came up from behind him and shoved my forearm right into his back and was quickly on my way. Awesome!

Weekend Quickies

Evil

* I can't find salt anywhere! I've been to two large supermarkets and looked all over to no avail. In one supermarket I found an entire aisle (both sides!) of soy sauces. Who knew there were so many soy sauces. I also found an entire self of MSG. How can there be variations on MSG? It's just a chemical. I need to find salt. Pasta is not yummy when not boiled in salted water.

* Eli Manning looked terrible in the game against the Jets. David Carr kicked ass though! Start David Carr and have Eli come off the bench?

* One more week left at the private school and then I start the semester at the university. Hopefully there will be lots of hot slutty co-eds, just as I imagined university to be my first time around.

Ummm, I'll Pass

Evil

Someone named "saltee.doodoo@gmail.com" wants to be able to chat with me. Ummm, no.

Evil Tells The Truth

Evil

I know a fraud when I see one, and the choir director (tall young guy, furthest left) featured in this NYT article is definitely a fraud!

The article says his name is Michael Sample. Is "Michael Sample" even an Indian name? And if it is, it's got to be a Catholic name, right? And he's directing a Hindu choir?

Look at that picture of him... he's young, tall, charismatic, with flowing locks of hair, and what I assume to be a beautiful singing voice. Old Hindu ladies of Flushing, Queens: watch your wallets! Do not give him your credit card numbers! Do not let him anywhere near your daughters! Or your sons!

If this turns into another David Koresh situation, Eric Holder better have the balls to send in the troops. Go Janet Reno. Woot woot!

Evil - Circa 2014

Friend of the Hose Beerock! posted this to his site the other day. If you are like me, however, you probably never bother reading the Friends of The Hose. Who has the time!?

Anyway, I thought this was something Hosers need to see. This is what is happening to our friend, Evil. This is the person he is becoming. If we don't stage an intervention soon, he's just a few short years away from this level of delusion. And then how will we feel about ourselves?

Quickie Question

Evil

At what point do you think you fully developed your comprehension of the English language? Was it during university? Or was it before or after?

For me, it definitely wasn't any time during high school because I remember studying for the SAT and there was still a crapload of vocabulary that I had never seen before. And I remember barely understanding the most difficult of the reading comprehension passages.

Just wondering. Thought about this topic because I'm doing some homework and just came across the Mandarin word that translates as "sagacious." One of those SAT words I remember from long ago. Learning a second language as an adult is hard... there are so many nouns and verbs that compose a language. Blerg.

Mark Sanchez to the Rescue

It's official.

According to FoxSports, Mark Sanchez was named the NY Jets starting QB for Week 1 of the regular season.

Apparently, watching him get plastered by Ray Lewis and Co this past Friday was enough to convince Rex Ryan that he should be the starter.

Mark - Congratulations from the Hose!

In other Jet QB news, Sports Illustrated is continuing its boycott of all news items related to mega-douche Brett Favre.

Funny Photo of the Day

Do you guys remember when Hilary presented her health care plan to that Star Trek convention? Amazing. I miss the good old days of healthcare debating.

Latest Poll Results - SHOCKING

I would have thought the guy who spends most of his time thinking and writing about someone else's cat would be the most likely to ruin a beer-fest, but it seems there is no correlation between loving others' cats and ruining other people's fun. Who knew?

Of course, X-tian could argue that Sparks and Catjjy are a package deal - which would put them over the top on ruining other people's fun - but I'm not buying that argument. I'm not sayin, I'm just sayin.....

X-tian will get a chance to prove the readers wrong next Tuesday night when he hosts The Hose's First Annual U.S. Open Beer Summit during the 2nd round of the U.S. Open. Go get em X-tian!!!!

Self-Conscious Moment Of The Day

Evil

I think my bed smells like urine.

Fun at Work

Noting that any “Best of the ‘00s” list is not likely to change much between now and December 31, the website pitchfork.com put up its list of the 20 greatest songs of the decade. Such lists are always very subjective, of course, but I always enjoy them. I mean, it’s not like they are going to put BAD songs on the list, right? This list has a very nice write-up on each song, and a link to listen to each one. Unfortunately, it does not have a link to listen to all of them in a row, so you need to keep flipping back.

There is more electronica in this selection than one would expect from a completely neutral observer, but it is still a nice mix that covers the bases from Arcade Fire to Z, Jay. I went through it this afternoon at work and have the following comments:

1. I had not heard of 9 of the songs – a staggering 45%. What was I doing this decade?

2. Remix to Ignition by R. Kelly made the list. Catjjy and I love this song. In our house, for the past six years, Friday does not kick off the “weekend.” It kicks off the “Freakin Weekin.”

3. My list would be completely different, but there are one or two omissions from this list that surprised me. Seven Nation Army, for example, blew my socks off when KB1 played it for me in 2003. Where is it?

4. This list has Crazy in Love at #4. Any credible list has to have it in the top 10. My favorite bit of commentary from the list maker: “If someone told you that the sheet music for Crazy in Love was just a bunch of exclamation points on a staff, you would believe them, right?”

5. The #1 song surprised me, but as I listened to it again today I realized that it is a pretty freaking good song.

Mad Men: Season 3 Episode 2 - Love Among The Ruins

This one’s for the ladies. Or at least about them, the Ann-Margaret is for me and possibly my dad another lover of old Elvis movies. My dad and I used to have "Twist" offs. You have no idea what I’m talking about and that’s a shame. Let’s do some recapping!
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The show opens with the JV Team (minus Campbell) watching Ann-Margaret singing “Bye, Bye, Birdie” in color on an old school reel. Most of the gang are sporting sh*t eating grins (to hide their bones I’m sure). Sal is actually enjoying the song, humming along even. Sal, you’re not even trying anymore.

Peggy is clearly in a huff over their boner-dom and resurrects her feeling of “left outness” from last season. Of course, Rich Sommer’s character tries to placate her by telling her that at least she is “no longer fat”. Nice one Rich Sommer. Peggy is at a loss. Why can’t she be attractive, be taken seriously and get to pretend she never bore a baby that she gave up and drove her to insanity all at the same time? Why? Being a modern woman is tough work.

Regarding the Head of Accounts Wars of 63, Ken is in the early lead. While Cosgrove is trying to figure out how to win the new Diet Pepsi campaign, Peter and the Couch Commie are muffing their meeting with the group building the new Madison Square Garden. Apparently these gentlemen are very worried about the bad PR they are receiving for their plans to knock down the old Penn Station. Peter reminds everyone of his own mediocrity by totally losing control of the meeting and letting the Couch Commie share his opinions. In short order, he thinks the criticism is well deserved and drones about the Roman ruins being in Spain in his haughty Orson Wells poser voice. I can’t wait till the couch commie gives up the beatnick pose and turns into Wanna-Be-Hippie. I hate that guy. I hate that the voice supporting classic NY architecture is left to this blowhard.

The theme of old vs. new is again revisited on the home front. As Betty’s brother shows up with his family with father in tow. Senior Hofstead is losing it and everyone is at a loss as to what to do, especially Betty’s sniveling brother Bill. Btw, bad casting choice by the producers I think. Betty’s brother should be an Aaron Eckart type (or even a Ken Consgrove type). It’s hard to imagine this goon being from the same gene pool as Betty. Though I think the characterization of him as a whimp is spot on. It’s obvious that Dad was a domineering figure in their lives and they never quite got out of his shadow, so much so that Betty found an equally dominating cipher in Don. Much unlike Peggy, who manages to tell Roger (and us) in the elevator that her dad died long ago. Anyway, Betty is concerned about her dad and there is much argument between the siblings. Don ends up resolving the conflict by giving young Bill a verbal Draper. Poor impotent Bill has no choice but to accept an arrangement where he gives money to Don so Betty can assume nursing responsibilities for her dad. Not only does Don stick him with the check and makes sure Bill leaves with no car, no family home and no dad, he also insists they leave right away. All of this is just preamble of course, so the senior Hofstead can make some speech about the old being replaced by the new and the animals running the zoo, just in case the parallel between he and the old Penn Station was lost on those half asleep.

Funny Elizabeth Moss Mirror rendition of Bye Bye Birdie aside, the female empowerment storyline gets no such speechifying but it does go oral (!). Peggy goes to a bar and picks up a Brooklyn College student using Joan’s flirtations from an earlier office scene to kick off what turns into a goofier, more upbeat version of Betty’s seduction of Captain Awesome in last season’s finale. When the boy fails to come up with a condom, she politely reminds him they can do other things. Later, she dudes up and tries to sneak out in the middle of the night. When caught, she hilariously reverts to good girl mood and remembers to say she had a “nice time” as she hustles to the door.

My favorite interactions are always between Don and Peggy. Their bond is pretty neat. Like him, she is on the run from her own history and good at bringing her own life into work. She is also a fixer of things, or at least she is supposed to be.

Open Questions and Demands
Does the split in power mean that there will be fewer meetings that include bother Campbell and Ken? One of the hidden pleasures of the show is watching Ken’s casual awesomeness butt heads with Peter’s massive mediocrity/insecurity. There better be a big payoff to offset for this.

So Peggy owns her sexuality in a much more positive way than she has before and I’m intrigued. Don as the fixer of things and this is confirmed when he fixes things with his wife and with the Madison Square Garden people. Unfortunately, he but can’t figure out what the dickens to do with the asinine Brits, who are insistent on mucking things up. Roger’s daughter hates Peyton List because Peyton List is too hot for words and I’m sure that will come up again. I need more Joan; don’t make me go watch Firefly repeats for more Joan. More Joan!

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Outdated TV Show Review: 30 Rock

Evil

My last three years of TV watching have consisted solely of unscripted shows, so that means I haven't followed a single prime time comedy or drama series in a while. (It's amazing how much time you waste just by watching reality contest shows, sports, and cable news. Who has time for scripted shows!)

Since I am unemployed in Shanghai and my only friend is a non-talkative feline, I suddenly have a lot more time on my hands. Saw the 10 disc DVD set of 30 Rock a couple of weeks ago and decided to give it a go.

Some quickie commentary:

* I find the Liz Lemon character (played by Tina Fey) to be incredibly compelling. Every time I watch an episode, I find myself thinking, "I am Liz Lemon and Liz Lemon is me!" How strange is that? Liz Lemon is a white, female, arts-educated, creative type from smalltown PA. I am an Asian, male, tech-educated, techy type from the big city. The only commonality I can see is that Liz Lemon looks MILFy and I like to look at MILFs. Or I guess the character is so well-written / well-developed that she has universal appeal?

* I can't watch Kenneth the page without thinking of Bobby Jindal.

* Why is Judah Friedlander featured in the opening credits? He's only a minor character and he's not even funny to boot. I've never heard his character say a funny or interesting thing on the show. Also, he's a slob and a slackjaw.

* According to Wikipedia, the Jenna Maroney role (played by Jane Krawkowski) was originally supposed to go to Rachel "Bug Eyes and No Chin" Dratch. Whoa! The show would have taken on a whole different feel with that casting.

* I wonder when the Tina Fey and Alec Baldwin characters are gonna bang. I'm only through 1/3 of season 3, so if it happens in season 3, don't tell me!

The Most Improbable Movie Ever Made

Evil

Saw this at one of the pirated DVD stands around town and just had to buy it. The first thing that caught my attention was that it starred the greatest Mexican wrestler of our generation, Rey Misterio. Great! Wrestling documentary of some sort? I flip to the description on the back and boy was I surprised... it begins:

"For an amateur porn film crew traveling through Mexico, a wrong turn leads to a ghost town..."

CMON! Now is that a jumping off point, or is that a jumping off point? Awesome premise + Rey Misterio as the lead actor = can't go wrong!

As an added bonus, the female lead is Leyla Milani, aka, Deal or No Deal's chick with briefcase #13. WOW.

I haven't actually watched the DVD yet. Just got home. The only thing that worries me is that it got a rating of 4.6/10 on IMDB. Even the universally panned Wolverine movie got a 6.8/10. Yikes.

Awesome Sunday Morning

Three underwear despoilages after finding this link in September's Wired, I have managed to navigate away from that blissful site to share my ecstasy: Beck and friends re-record The Velvet Underground and Nico. With Nigel Godrich. In one day.

As has previously been mathematically proven, Beck + Nigel Godrich + Lou Reed material = a male, wannabe-angsty, 30-something's hetero- / retro- menage au trois extrordinaire . Or maybe that's totally gay.

Anyway, further fueling Xtian's obsession with Actors dry-humping along side Musicians, this recording also features Giovanni Ribisi from the awesome flic Boiler Room sitting in with Beck. (Ribisi's twin sis is married to Beck).

Listen to "Sunday Morning" first. Then go change your drawers.

Date or Die: Things on the Internet I Would Rather Re-Watch than Go on Second Date WIth You

And we're back. You know its a bad date when I am making a joke about evangelicals (the born agains, y'all), she stops you and clarifies she is also born again and ...wait for it...you don't slow or stop your storytelling at all. How excited can one get about an evangelical who shows up and orders a plate of cheese. As she bored me to tears, I thought back to a list of things I have been entertained by recently.
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This guy wins the award for the best sign at these healthcare rallies

Someone gave Michael Moore financing for a new film. This time he takes his fat guy with a bull horn schtick to Wall St. Ummm....hooray? Maybe not

There are basically two people in the world who are glad Brett Favre is back (again) - Chris Berman (the asshole on ESPN who can't stop coming up with very stupid catchphrases) and John Madden, who probably redirected his stupid bus to Minnesota as soon as he heard the news. No one has told the old codger that he's done and no one cares about his RV or crazy turducken genetic splicing experiments. I'm just glad that former Favre fluffer and current SI writer, Peter King finally got off the bus.

I really like this song.

This Rick Pitino story is a little tawdry. I'm talking about the table top in the restaurant part of course. It's a good thing he has classy friends like these to stick up for him. Of course, his friends have problems of their own.

Is it really that hard to figure out if someone is a man or woman?

Next date is Tuesday. Maybe I have something to actually say about that one.

Daymares Volume 4

Many Hosers may not know that I spent my early childhood living in Oklahoma. O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoma, O-K!!!! I lived there from the time I was 2 until I was in the 2nd grade (however old that is). As a kid I really liked it. The dirt is red in Oklahoma, and we had a lot of it, so when you went out and played for a whole day, you could home looking like a real mess. I had a huffy bike. I played t-ball. I learned to look both ways before crossing the street. It was great. But it was in Oklahoma where one of my recurring daymares was born. Check it out after the jump.


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We had lots of critters where I grew up. Scorpions. Fire ants. Cute little things called Horned Frogs that always peed on you when you picked them up. And in the 8-legged realm, tarantulas and black widows.

Tarantulas were okay because they were big enough you could see then from pretty far away. Only occasionally would one catch you by surprise (usually when climbing over fences or on trees). And I don't think these tarantulas were poisonous because I don't remember my parents ever freaking out about them. Black widows, on the otherhand, were made by God to kill small children. To do this, they would hide in your shoes, and then they would bite you. That is how kids in Oklahoma died. So, as a child, it was always a rule that we had to shake our shoes out before we put them on. Pound your shoe on the groud, turn it upside down, and wait for the killer spiders to leave before you put it on. You knew they were killer spiders because they have an hourglass on their back (but it doesn't really look like an hourglass in my opinion). That is how I made it out alive.

And now this is my daymare in 2009 - that I will get bit by a spider hiding in my shoe. I don't always look inside my shoes, but if I'm putting on a pair I haven't worn in a few days, you bet I do. That's what happened this morning - I was going out to get a coffee and I reached for a pair of Puma's I haven't worn in a month or so. So, I smacked them heel down on the floor a couple of times, lifted up the tongues, looked inside and WAIT FOR IT......... No spiders. Whew! KillerB1 lives to see another day.

Evil's Pet Peeve Of The Day

Evil

Pet Peeve: When people insert "... wait for it..." into their sentences. For example:

"You'll never guess what I saw Bob doing in his office today. Wait for it... flipping through a Playboy!!! Who even reads Playboy anymore?"

I can't even put my finger on why I find this so annoying. Maybe because it seems like the person saying it has a heightened sense of self-importance? So annoying. I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.

How did this trend even start? And why do people do this?

Cmon, Now...

Evil

The sore losers who lost to this woman are now requesting a gender test. She ran so fast and kicked their asses so hard that they think she might actually be a man. Cmon, now! First of all, look at the crotch area of that photo. Do you see any male junk there? I don't think so. And no, it could not possibly be "tucked in." Can you imagine running at top speed with your junk tucked in? That's physically impossible.

Mad Men: Season 3 Episode 1 - Out Of Town

It’s 1963. The world is a rapidly changing place. Of course, Don Draper’s mind is still the most interesting place. The opening scene is a flashback to the birth of Don Draper (then a young Dick Whitman). I don’t get hung up on how Draper is able to have a flashback to his own birth. I am too fascinated by what I learn. Draper’s dad and mom were not able to have a baby and the midwife felt sorry for the lady. I guess Draper’s dad ended up knocking up a potty mouthed hooker who all thru labor was focused on an image of chopping the senior Whitman’s member (that’s how he got the name dick, y’all!). Good reason to change your name. Who wants that back story?

More...On the home front, things still look like a Rockwell painting come to life. If you look long enough though, you see that the only suit that Draper seems to not wear well is husband and father. Thank god the crew holds the camera on Don three seconds longer than they need to at home so I can make such observations. John Hamm does a good job projecting his Thoureauian "quiet desperation" in these moments. Of course, the more we learn about his own upbringing the more I am impressed that his only issues are philandering and being emotionally withholding.

At the office a number of interesting things are happening. The British have landed and are a bunch of pansies! Their first move is to fire a head of accounts who promptly starts breaking sh*t. Joan gets a villain – the writers do us the favor of giving him the nickname Moneypenny. Joan is also still marrying Dr. Insecure in spite of his date rape of her. Zoey Bartlett/Peggy gets a secretary who hates her and Ken and Peter both get named head of accounts. For our sake, BritVader (that’s my nickname for him) manages to neglect telling them they are co-heads. This leads to some hilarity and some classic Peter Campbell hissyfit action. Despite his new title, Campbell is still second class - so much so that episode end, Roger encourages him to make himself a drink just "not the Stoli". Suck it, kid.

Draper and Sal go to Baltimore. Draper picks up a flight attendant and Sal picks up a Bellboy, as you do. Sal has a minor meltdown when Draper discovers he blows dudes. Sal should talk to Peggy about how good Don is at keeping secrets. While we are here, I have to point out that Sal is the least believable heterosexual ever. How has he not been found out yet.

There is a long discussion about the name London Fog and how, in fact, there is no fog in London. The haze was just smog; a result of rapid industrialization. Bert Cooper, over drinks in Don’s office says something like “I don’t care if it’s true or not, London Fog is a good name”. That’s a classic ad man for you. Forget the truth. The lie sells better.

Looking forward, 1963 is also the year that Martin Luther King told us he had a dream, the year the Beatles released their first album, the year the first James Bond Movie Dr. No came out and the year Kennedy was assassinated. Other things happened that year, but I suspect these will be highlighted in the halls of Sterling Cooper. I can’t wait.

Quickes - Sports Edition

Evil

* Michael Vick would like to thank Brett Favre for taking over the title of Most Hated Man In Sports.

* How many times am I going to hear/read XTIAN proclaim that he's a "McNabb guy"? We know, we know. You have a huge man-crush on him.

* Is Derek Jeter the best shortstop of all time? Name a single shortstop that's clearly better than Jeter. (Like XTIAN likes to say, "clearly better.") BTW, Derek Jeter is currently #8 on the ESPN Player Rater scale. Even though I am a "Jeter guy," I find that insane. Jeter's not an offensive threat. The the ESPN Player Rater scale incorporate "intangibles" (like leadership and hotness of girlfriend)?

* Oh those poor Cubbies. Poor Cubbies! It seemed like just a week or two ago that they were leading their division but now they're 6 games back. Monumental collapse!

Bolt vs. Phelps

Evil

I'm curious why Usain Bolt is getting near-universal billing as the world's most dominant athlete. Actually, I'm more curious why Michael Phelps seems like an after-thought in these conversations. For example, Phelps goes and wins more gold medals than anyone else ever has in a single Olympics and who wins the World Sportsman of the Year award? Bolt!

Recently, Phelps kicked ass at his sport's world championships but everyone is all wrapped up in Bolt's 100m run.

I guess I would be more impressed with Bolt if he were more dominating in his sport overall, instead of just dominating a single event (the 100m) and being a strong contender in a second, very similar event (the 200m). For example, if he competed in the long jump, like Carl Lewis used to do. Carl Lewis won the long jump gold medal in 4 Olympics! Not to mention a bunch of sprint gold medals. Similarly, Michael Phelps swims all those different weird strokes that the swimmers do.

I wonder how much of this media attention and public acclaim is personality-driven? Usain Bolt is a charismatic, fun-loving Jamaican guy, while Michael Phelps is a boring, tall white guy from Baltimore. The Whities just can't catch a break these days!

A Different Sort of Dirty

Peephole Princess, Erin Andrews and the Columbia University Football Team.

Roar Lions Roar!

Guilt-free

Evil

The thing I hate most about modern journalism is how the media loves to wring contriteness out of people who have done wrong. Listened to the Michael Vick interview on 60 Minutes yesterday and it nearly made me sick. The interviewer, James Brown, did a terrible job. Did he think he was Vick's dad or something? "That was wrong, Michael. That was appalling, Michael."

Not that I am a Michael Vick supporter, but I thought he showed tremendous restraint in answering all the questions without blowing up. The entire interview was one question after another of getting Michael Vick to kick himself in the teeth.

"How sorry do you feel, Michael?"... "I feel disgusted with myself."

"How did you feel in jail, Michael?" "I felt so sick, I cried several nights."

"Why did you feel sick, Michael?" "I felt sick over what I did. I left everybody down. I threw away my career, $135M dollars..."

"Your career and $135M dollars? What about the dogs, Michael?"

James Brown is such a douche. He was trying to get Michael Vick to say that the dogs were more important than $135M. Which Michael Vick DID say. Kudos to him. Tremendous discipline. 

I guess at the end of the day, I just dont understand guilt. I would never run a dog fighting operation, but if I did, I probably would not feel any guilt about it if I did it in the first place. If I had to do one of those interviews, I don't know how I could bear it. I'd probably blow up by the 3rd question and go, "F*CK YOU!!! I did my time in jail. My sentence did does not include beating myself up in this interview. I'm outtie!"

Failed Business Idea #87

Evil

Tried to start a cat fighting ring where I would breed cats to fight and make money via taking bets. Also would have auxiliary revenue streams via attendance tickets, concessions, and merchandising. Had a tentative deal in place with an Akamai re-seller to stream the events. The Ultimate Cat Fighting Championships!!!

But ran into one major hiccup. The cats wont fight. All they do is alternate between napping and snuggling. Oh well. Back to the drawing board.

Mad Men Mondays

Mad Men Season Premiere is Tonight on AMC! I am going to post weekly recaps all season on Monday evenings. Stay tuned!

Ask xTian: Sports Round Up Edition

Wherein we cover a few questions that were raised this week
-World Cup Qualifying
-Michael Vick


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What's up with all of these qualifying matches? Do some teams get a bi from this? Do any big teams ever fail to advance out of their pre-Cup bracket? It would be odd to see a World Cup without England, Spain, Italy, Brazil, Argentina, etc.- Sparks
Great question. There are a ton of qualifying matches. One has to remember that only 32 teams are invited and they come from 6 regions (into which all the countries of the world are broken into)

* Europe (UEFA): 13 places
* Africa (CAF): 5 places
* South America (CONMEBOL): 4 or 5 places
* Asia (AFC): 4 or 5 places
* North, Central American and Caribbean (CONCACAF): 3 or 4 places
* Oceania (OFC): 0 or 1 place
Note: South Africa qualified automatically as host nation for a total of 6 places

As you can see the strength of soccer, number of countries in the region, and population of the regions all come into play. There are some swing scenarios where the 5th place team from CONMEBOL has to play the 4th place team from CONCACAF to see who gets that swing spot.

Now within each region, the countries are seeded and the higher seeds don't have to play in the first rounds of qualifying. This provides some additional advantage to Argentina and Brazil (the tops in CONMEBOL) and to the US and Mexico (I think in CONCACAF).

It should be pointed out that this does not preclude movement. Back when the drug lords were running things Colombia was a World Cup regular. Since abdicating that position a few countries have stepped up to grab that last spot. In the last two world cups Dr. Orgy's adopted country Ecuador has grabbed that last spot It's an open question who will grab it this time.

Why did the Philadelphia Eagles get Michael Vick? Why was Donovan McNabb for this move? Why didn't Michael want to go to a place where he could start? What does Tony Dungy, neither a league nor eagles offical have to do with any of this? - The Bump

From Vick's side - According to Peter King, Vick wanted to come back and prove he was a good teammate and a still an effective football player first. Then in year 2, find a situation where he could be a starting QB. Going to the Redskins, might seem like a good idea, but in addition to having to deal with the fall out and the protests he would also have to win games.

From McNabb's side - McNabb has taken the eagles to a Superbowl and taken his team to 5 NFC Championship games in his career. he is one of the better QB's of the last ten years, third best in my opinion after Peyton and Brady. Yet Philly has never embraced him. If you listen to people like Eagles Super Fan Sleeve, you will come to believe that this is because these jackasses are basically racist and always looking to start a white guy. I can't comment on this, but everyone knows that Philly sports fans are animals and dangerous to themselves and those around them. Normally, the old saying goes that the most famous guy in town is always the back up QB. Will that be the case with Vick? Probably not. Thus McNabb can QB without people screaming about starting Jeff Garcia (like they did 2 years ago) or Kolb (like they did last year)

From the Eagles side - They get a guy who can literally change the game. Whether or not Vick was a great QB is irrelevant. He was a great football player and he could win games by himself. If he can still do any of that then they win. They are also forgiven for taking the chance because Tony Dungy (Apparently, he won the title GREATEST MAN EVER while I was not looking) told the NFL that Vick was repentant and that was enough for the NFL to reinstate him. He also stood with Vick at the Eagles Press Conference and spoke as much as Vick or Andy Reid did. Honestly, that's enough for me and enough for most football fans out.

From my side - I get that what he did was unconscionable. I also get that he went to jail for 18 months and lost 75% of his unguaranteed contract while in there. He's paid his debt to society period. If you don't think he should get a second shot then you don't believe that anyone who gets out of jail should be given a second chance. That makes you unfair and an idiot.

Thanks

Ask xTian: Facebook Etiquette

Several high school friends have joined Facebook in the last few months. You might wonder why they are behind on the trend, I think many of the reasons are socio-economic, but that's not really what I'm hear to weigh in on. Because they joined late, these people are also behind on the learning cure of what you should or should not put up on facebook. So as a public service, here are some recommendations for facebook newbies:

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If you're a guy, don't tell me that the John Legend song "Ordinary People" is the best song ever written, or write small haikus about how much you love your son. It's cute, but its also a little fey. Also, you're a high school English teacher, some cholo could see this as a sign of weakness and consider this ample reason to shove you out a second story window. Remember the cholos we went to school with?

Don't fight with your wife about your children and carry it on in wall posts. That's silly

Don't talk about how the "taint" is awesome and how it's like a second penis. Just don't...

If wish the Cha a happy birthday, don't think I'm talking to you. You are a 300lb black dude I went to high school with. Why would I call you cha? While we're here, stop calling me gummi bear, at some point people will stop thinking we're thugs and just assume we're gay. Neither categorization suits my purposes.

Stop posting generic comments about "haters" being out to "get you". It looks very paranoid or very junior high. or both.

DO NOT, under any circumstances, discuss your ongoing child custody battles and/or describe how awful and frustrated you are with your baby mamma. How could this possibly help your long term cause?

Sometimes I Feel Like This Guy

Evil

The only thing left to go wrong is for me to get hit in the head with a 94 mph fastball.

Things That Evil Learned Today

Evil

* ... that spanking in schools is still allowed by 20 states. good gravy! i always thought that teachers and principals spanking kids was a relic of the bad old days, like segregated schools, polio, and analog tv. but i guess i was wrong. the NYT article linked here also uncovers that disabled kids are spanked more than regular kids. even though Evil has no feelings, even he has to feel a tinge of sadness upon reading this.

* ... that "infernal" is an actual word. The only time i've heard that word is in the context of "Infernal Affairs," the movie title. i had always assumed that they meant to call the movie Internal Affairs, but the translation got screwed up because the people in hong kong cannot pronounce english words accurately for the life of them. (side note: the best FOBby accents come from hong kong. i dont know why. the people on the mainland also speak english with an accent, but it's not the funny kind of FOBby accent.)

Fantasy Football, Anyone?

Evil

Any interest in a Hose Fantasy Football league? I nominate KillerB to be the commissioner, since he's so good at organizational things.

KillerB2Less for 12 Days

Ever since KillerB2 and I got married last year we have spent a lot of time together. That was really the whole point of the marriage. Of course now and then one of us will wander away for a few days. But we always come back. We haven't spent a big number of days apart.

Sooner or later my high flying marketing executive lifestyle was going to catch up with us. With the nation crawling out of the recession companies once again have wheelbarrows full of cash to throw at high flying marketing folks. So tomorrow I disembark on a 10 day trip, without my KillerB2. It will be hard, but worth it. I already know I'm going to be soooooo excited to see her when I come back on Friday the 21st! She's going to be soooooo excited to see me too!!!!

Oh. Nevermind. KillerB2 decided to go to Boston that weekend. Make that 12 days. I hope she brings me a souvenir like a magnet.

Bad Programming

The US plays Mexico in a World Cup Qualifying Match tomorrow. Exciting!

More...The US is coming off the second greatest run in US Soccer history at the Confederation Cup. While the the stars of the first team took advantage of this run and signed several big time contracts in Europe, the JV Team got their butts handed to them by the Mexicans 5-0 in the Gold Cup Final. Now comes the showdown, live from Estadio Azteca, the biggest home field advantage in all of sports! Will the Gooch beat a Mexican senseless (Yes!), can Mexico play with a US squad at full strength(no), will Mexico's head coach kick another opposing player in the crotch (ABSOLUTELY!). Will Jozey finally step up? (maybe). Clearly, I'm excited. I'm also vexed - 2 reasons:
The match is at 3pm EST.
It will only be carried on Univision (Spanish) and MUN2(Spanglish).

ESPN can't carry the game because they only have rights to US home games, and Univision has the US rights to all Mexican National Team game. Meanwhile the Mexican Futbol Federation put the match on at 3pm EST to make sure the American would play in altitude, with smog and heat, a potentially dangerous conversation. How are we supposed to become the world's biggest consumer of Soccer with all this randomness. Why can't I be going through some funemployment. Why? Why?

Eunice Kenndy Bucketization

Evil

According to The Hose's Female Bucketization System (tm), Eunice Kennedy definitely falls into the "HOT" bucket. Pants off! Pants off!

Evil's Media Commentary

Evil

* Don't miss this week's Meet The Press if you like to watch two grown men mentally jerk each other off. David "The Silver Fox" Gregory had as his guests Mayor Michael Bloomberg and Mayer Cory Booker. These two guys spent the entire interview complementing each other's "tremendous leadership." They might as well have also thrown in how impressed they are with the other person's schlong.

* Anderson Cooper 360 needs to fire their producer. This is the only show on TV that still does nightly coverage of the Michael Jackson death. Dude! That story died weeks ago. There's so much good shit you're missing out on.

No-Iron Shirt = Loch Ness Monster

I just spent 20 minutes ironing several No-Iron Pinpoint Oxfords. I don't get it. If I just threw one of these shirts on right out of the dryer and went to work, would Land's End come to my rescue when I got canned for dressing like a schlub? I'm starting to feel like finding a legitimate No-Iron shirt is like finding Bigfoot. The creature, not the monster truck. That being said, these No-Iron shirts are from Sears, so their guarantees are questionable.

Has anyone found ever found a true, wrinkle-free, No-Iron shirt, or are they just another Sasquatch?

Reasons to Stay in at Night

This article makes me sad....

Write Your Own Caption

I Can Barely Contain Myself!

Gearing Up For London 2012

Evil

Hey Michael Phelps, just because you once again dominated an international swim meet, dont get over confident just yet. It's not the enemy you know (that awesome trash-talking Serbian guy), it's the enemy you don't know. But you can now thank me for introducing you to your new competition: see pic above. Yes, that is Russian President, I mean, "Prime Minister" Vlady Putin. As you can see, he's training hard. And he doesn't need no Jaked 01 high tech swimsuit to beat you. He doesn't need no Arena X-Glide. He doesn't even need the Speedo LZR RACER that you wear. Putin is all man and he wants you and the world to know it. He's going to race you in the best suit he has... his birthday suit.

Sometimes I Sympathize With This Guy

Evil

Can't... stand... up.

The Hose hits the big time

As you guys know people have been bringing down major blogs, twitter and facebook all week using a denial of service attack.

45 seconds ago, I tried to load The Hose and got the above message. WOOOO, we're really important (or you know, someone is attacking all of blogspot, but I like my theory better).

Not The Sort of Relationship I Have with Nore Ephron

Read this, its not quite important but its terribly sweet.

Thanks Gawker.

xTian asks: Eli Manning

Eli Manning is on the verge of signing a six-year, $97.5 million contract. That would make him the highest paid quarterback in the NFL. This is big news and a huge turnabout for young Eli.
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About 19 months ago I sat in a bar with Mr. Shoulders watching the Giants play the unbeaten Patriots in a regular season game. As folks were wont to do at the time, Mr. Shoulders declared that he hated Eli and wanted him run out of town. I'm not as big a Giants fan, more of a Jets fan, so I could consider his emotional reaction more analytically. I demanded that Mr. Shoulders name 5 QBs he would rather have than Eli. My theory being that there were very few QBs who clearly better than Eli. Btw at that point I only had Peyton, Brady and McNabb clearly ahead of him. Mr. Shoulders came up with 5, but after a lot of struggle and debate. Two months later, Mr. Shoulders had to sit in Evil's apt and eat a d*ck as Eli Manning led the NY Giants to the Super Bowl and was proved wrong (again).

Anyway, it's two years later and Eli is about to get PAID. I imagine Killer B is somewhere throwing up in his mouth that Eli is making more money next year than Peyton. I will put the over/under for the "Eli is overrated" chats at week 2. Therefore, I pose the question again, but with a twist:

For next year, are there 5 QBs you would rather than Eli? If so, then who?

For the next six years, are there 5 QBs you would rather have than Eli? If so, then who?

I have answers for me, I'll post mine later today. But discuss amongst yourselves.

The Private Humanitarian Mission - Even More Awesome Than I thought

Someone shared this Washington Post article with me. My head nearly exploded. The guy who made Elizabeth Hurley (HOT - now and forever) a baby mama, footed the bill for the private jet that flew Bill Clinton (Agent of Nothing) to North Korea?

A playboy's private jet - wow. Do you guys think its more like the movie Wall St - where the flight attendants are available for sex, or more like Austin Powers with a round rotating bed and shag carpets everywhere?

Being a former President is like the best job ever. I can't wait till Bill decides to hunt Bin Laden and then celebrate by banging every hooker in Dubai (all expenses paid for by GE and Rande Gerber of course)

Quickies - Freed Journalists Edition

Evil

Some observations about this video:

http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/08/05/nkorea.journalists/index.html#cnnSTCVideo

* At 0:23 - OMG, they're both married to white guys. (*shakes fist at whities*)

* At 1:18 - Al Gore gets into the hugging action. Let the perviness begin.

* At 1:25 - One of the girls has already exhausted all the hugs she's going to get from her own family, so now she finds a stranger, taps him on the back, and proceeds to hug him.

* At 1:40 - The beginning of an EXTREMELY long hug from Al Gore. Is this the way any boss hugs an employee? I don't think so. 

* At 1:51 - Whoa! Who is that guy and why is he making out with her?

(Apologies I did not embed the video directly. I can only post via email, so the best I can do is send the link.)

Sincerity

Question for all of you Hosers: What sign-off do you use for your work emails? I do not mean quick little blackberry missives; I'm talking real emails, to clients and superiors and what not.

I used to use “Regards” on all of my office emails. In fact, I had it as part of my auto-signature, so even Catjjy would get a nice “Regards” if I wrote to her from that account. I became bored with it a few years ago. Now I end with “Thank you” if thanks are warranted, or, more often, I don’t put any sign-off at all. The latter looks a little odd at the end of a formal, letter-style email, but I don’t know what else to do.

Some of this is cultural. If I were English, I would absolutely use “Cheers;” if Italian, “Ciao.” Those are great, but Americans look sorta lame using either of those.

One guy I work with uses abbreviations that he leaves the reader to figure out. Two of his favorites are “VTY” and “HTH”, which I’ve guessed to mean “Very Truly Yours,“ and “Happy to Help.” OMFG.

Sometimes I get things like “Warmest regards” or “Very Truly Yours,” but those feel WAY too personal to me. I feel like they can be used in court to prove a common law marriage.

So, what are you using?

XOXOXO,

Sparks

Awesome Typo

Did anyone see this slideshow on the NYTimes web site this morning? This screen capture is a bit too fuzzy to read, but here is the text:

"Former President Al Gore, the founder of the media company that employs the journalists, hugged Ms. Lee. The two women who were stopped on March 17 by soldiers near North Korea's border with China while researching a report about women and human trafficking. They faced years of imprisonment in the gulag-like confines of a North Korean prison camp."

Ahhh, the New York Times. It doesn't matter how much you WANT it to be true, Al Gore was never the President.

Incidentally, did anyone else think that Euna Lee was much cuter in these photos than she appeared in that one picture the press has been showing of her since she was captured? Maybe she should write a book: Lose Weight and Look Great with the North Korean Hard Labor Gulag Diet.

KillerB: Wet Blanket Moment

Sitting here in my hotel room, watching the coverage of the journalists who just arrived back with President Clinton. They are all standing on the tarmac, hugging family, giving speeches. The press are falling all over themselves. Talking about the joy, the hope, the miracle of all of this. The journalists are getting the full, 100% heroes welcome.

Which I don't understand. Shouldn't they be getting the full, 100% idiots welcome. Didn't they knowingly cross a river into North Korean territory? Thinking of all the resources and time that have been spent resolving the implications of their their idiotic adventure makes me a little mad.

It also makes me want to do something idiotic, so watch for some interesting news out of LA today. I might light the La Brea tar pits on fire.

Humpday Quickies

Evil

* The temporary roommate is back for another stay. Even though he is a cat, he's not excluded from the Hose's privacy policy, so I wont use this real name.

* He's currently cuddled up and napping with one of my sneakers. His head is practically stuck inside the sneaker.

* When I come home, the temp roommate always comes greets me and walks around with me for a few minutes. Everywhere I go, he follows closely. I actually have to be careful not to step on him because he sticks so close to me. I used to think he really liked me. But now I realize he just wants to be near my feet.

* Is it possible to teach a cat how to fetch? I can get the temporary roommate to run after something that I throw. He'll run, then pounce on the thing. But he doesn't know to bring it back to me. Cat training tips will be greatly appreciated!

She was not hot by any stretch of the imagination, but when I saw her cut this guy open like a seasoned professional, I must say, I was intrigued. If you're okay with something of a graphic nature, then there is more...

Her name was Ellie and I would imagine her "job title" was senior forensic technician. Ellie was a wan looking 35 year-old white girl with nose and bilateral quadruple ear piercings. Peeking out of the sleeves of her scrubs was a tattoo of what looked like a phoenix on one arm and some Chinese characters on the other.

Ellie was unbelievably nice for her somewhat harsh looking exterior. She was aware that this was my first time assisting with an autopsy, so she showed me around the suite pointing out all of the equipment, and even kindly helped me put on layers of protective plastic clothing (which felt totally awkward given that no one has helped me with my pants since I crapped myself in kindergarten). Actually, her friendliness was almost overwhelming, which kind of made this all the stranger, because many times I wondered how many friends she really had.

After gathering my notes and equipment together in the corner, I turned around and saw her gowned-up and wearing this welder-style face shield. With both hands she's holding a rotating saw, looking like some freaky zombie, and then she goes to work. She starts at the collarbone, then down under one arm, over the top of the lower chest, then up under the other arm to the opposite collarbone.

She then grasps the chest plate from the bottom and flips the entire chest-piece over the head.

"We call this a clamshell," she says. "Sometimes we use the Y, but I thought a clamshell might work better for this."

My thoughts as I peered upon this strange scene and even stranger person:

How on God's great Earth do you do this? I mean, that was a person like 45 minutes ago, and you just flipped his friggin chest up over his head like you were taking off his T-shirt. What sort of messed-up childhood trauma sends you to do this? Or actually, are you totally and completely normal, and I am just projecting my own insecurites?

What did the Want Ad look like for this job? I can't possibly imagine. Is there a High Flying Marketing Executive that can come up with a way to successfully advertise for this job without making me want to puke?

Does she eat clams? After this, I certainly won't.

Question Of The Day

Evil

When the f*ck did "Neanderthal"call out of favor and scientists started pronouncing it as "Neandertal"? Listing to an NPR Science Friday podcast now and the scientists keeps saying, over and over, Neandertal, Neandertal, Neandertal. Don't chance pronunciations on Evil! Evil does not like change!

Outdated Concert Review: All Points West (Friday)

I woke up Friday morning excited, disappointed and fearful.

More...I was excited because I had taken the day off to go to All Points West with my pregnant cousin and her husband. She was an old school hip hop fan who was excited to see Q-Tip and The Pharcyde. Her Husband was pumped about the National, Yeah Yeah Yeahs and other. I wanted to see all of these bands but was most eager to catch Ra Ra Riot. After all, I had continue my ongoing obsession with Alexandra Lawn. We were all disappointed because the Beastie Boys would not be headlining (Get better MCA). We were nervous because there had been a torrential downpour at 5am and i was convinced we were doomed.

Rather than bore you to tears I will simply grade the acts we saw
College Humor Live (doing something stupid) - D
Fleet Foxes - B. Just not My thing.
Ra Ra Riot - B+. Would have been an A if Alexandra Lawn had actually followed through and humped her cello
Pharcyde - B. Maybe a little dated but who doesn't love "Passin Me By", no Fat Lip...who's a total genius. of course, I saw five minutes of this so my grade my not be that fair.
The National - A+. See Below
Yeah Yeah Yeahs - B. I am little over Karen O
Q-Tip - A
Jay Z - A- (great opening. he did "No Sleep In Brooklyn" as a shout out the Beasties)

Here's the National doing Mr. November.


After four hours of rain the whole thing turned into a Refugee Camp...but that's not all bad.

Looky Likey

Evil

Rock Stars wanna be professional athletes and professional athletes want to be rock stars. Well, if professional golfer Juli Inkster and rocker Steven Tyler wanted to swap lives for a day or two, I bet no one would ever notice.

Dear Swimming: Thank You. From: Baseball and Cycling

Baseball: Thank god for swimming. If that sport hadn't gone apeshit crazy this week I would still be running from headlines about the 100 players we knew were cheating a decade ago (damn it Big Papi!!).

Cycling: Tell me about it - I just got around to disqualifying riders of this years Tour de France for drug violations we caught in 2008. We have no choice though - if we don't stretch these things out, no one can race any given year.

Baseball: For real, son. I can't hardly get anyone into the hall of fame now. Fred McGriff is looking like a first ballot, if only because every other player of his generation with better stats is a known cheater.

Cycling: But none of this compares to the absurdity of breaking 43 world records in a single swim meet. Most sports fans would be surprised to learn there are 43 swimming events!!!

Baseball: No shit. Are these clowns that stupid? Breaking all of their 'world records' at one time? Slow down, Charlie Brown! And they aren't even using drugs to do it? OK! That's gay.

Cycling: I've heard swimmers are eating some crazy pro-biotic foods that make them fart really hard in the water, and that is how they are getting such an extra boost.

Baseball: Perhaps, but for sure we know that swimmers are real asshats. Doesn't matter to me though - I'm glad to have them in the headlines. Dipshits.

Cycling: By the way..you have...you have a needle hanging out of your...no, a little higher....higher...there, yeah...there, you got it.

Poof! No more Print Media

Last fall, Conde Naste mailed me a postcard to inform me that Men's Vogue was being discontinued. They offered to fulfill my subscription with issues of Conde Naste Portfolio. Like all Hosers, I had just read Michael Lewis' The End of the Bull Run so I was very comfortable with this proposition. The fact that I was not in fact a subscriber to Men's Vogue seemed like a secondary concen. I was coming out ahead. Hooray.
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Alas, my euphoria was short lived. I received one issue before Conde Naste decided to shut down Portfolio. It did not include a Michael Lewis article. What now, you ask? Well, this subscription was in turn replaced with a subscription to Details Magazine.

Wow! Talk about a time machine. I was suddenly 14 again - a young Latino with hair down to his chin line living in the Black section of a Latino community with no sense of how to be cool aside from a hand full of overside shirts with poka dot and paisly patterns, incredibly think soled shoes and two black hoodies (one for the Miami Hurricanes and one for the LA Raiders). On Mondays and Wednesdays I was a half assed Kwame and Tuesday and Thursdays I was a chumpish version of Ice Cube. Details and a few other magazines helped me address the schizophrenia, self expression rut and cultural identity confusion that I was suffering from all at the same time. I was able to establish a physical identity for myself that I more or less still maintain.

Having said all that, I was 14 or 15 when this happened. I have no use for this magazine. More importantly, why does this magazine live when other magazines are shuttering? Did we really need Portfolio? Maybe not, but we certainly need it no less than we need Details. Right? I would much rather be reading that than reading some article about Jason Bateman or the learning disabled kid who went to vegas to get laid.

Meanwhile, its been like 7 months. No one's asked me for any money.

Sunday Quickies

Evil

* I never thought I'd be writing this, but I'm finding the World Swimming Championships incredibly compelling. There is the whole brouhaha over the high tech suits. How is this different from golf? I don't hear golfer whining about their equipment. But the most compelling thing, to me, about this world championship is Milorad Cavic, a Serbian swimmer who trash-talked the f*ck out of Michael Phelps. Sure, Phelps ended up beating Cavic in the finals, but I still give him props for his outlandish trash talking.

* I've started working out again. But I've also started drinking alone again.

* The Yankees can't beat any team that has the word "Sox" in their name. Hopefully, the Detroit Tigers will win the AL Central and the Texas Ranger will win the AL Wildcard. That way, the Yankees will have an easy run to the World Series.

* I generally find Rick Reilly to be an arrogant douche, but I fully agree with his recent column on why that arrogant douche, Tiger Woods, needs to clean up his act.